No Rangers Allowed

In our inaugural episode, we prologue with our actual first session which recording was completely deleted due to gross incompetence. What follows is conversations: with a nice tea laundress, with a root vegetable-obsessed undead river sorceress, with a giant drug dealing spider grandma. We try not to kill things unless we really have to, mostly because we suck and would probably die. Join us at www.selectbutton.net

The gang meets Grinkelstink Grumpkin, hairfancier and writer of erotic undead fanfic, as well as expert in apocrypha, burgeoning social revolutionary, and all around good guy. All clues regarding our Tsathoggua problem lead to the Ravenlocks' ostentatious burial mound. Ven's feline fixation notwithstanding, our descent begins.

Depths are plumbed. Tsathoggua is revealed, and is much more adorable than imagined. A reckoning with the town cult is inevitable. Can our heroes avoid slaughtering pretty much every named character they've encountered and depopulating the entire village?

The villagers have awoken from their adorable puppydog-induced slumber, but danger yet threatens. Ven fulfills his destiny with explosive panache. Honeydew fulfills his with a fair bit more porcine romance. Our heroes grieve, recoup, and bask in some well-deserved accolades, but the stormcloud of Authority gathers on the horizon... ft. Ax Felix & Tokyo Rude

The Heroes of Tumford dust themselves off from their gritty victory in the Barrows. Spirits are high, but not everyone in town is undamaged. Leads are chased, biographies are written and riveted mail is painstakingly handcrafted during the seven days of downtime. We end with a cliffhanger regarding the fate of one of our band - but it'll still be two days til we say we're sorry.

Our heroes must rescue one of their number, the devout Ven Ryefort, from certain doom. The sands run through the hourglass as they attempt to discover the secrets of the barrow where he is trapped before he is seized by the stygian hand of death. Can they uncover the Irtyan conspiracy that lies at the heart of this gravemound? Mostly, kind of. Guest starring a humongous fungus among us.

Ven having been rescued from the grim clutches of death, our heroes return to the light and experience the cosmopolitan delights of the Tumford Millennial Faire. Leaf merchants are interrogated; sheriffs are elected; charlatans are karmically counter-swindled; hogs are beautified. Perhaps most importantly, our heroes smell adventure on the horizon, and begin to make overtures of leaving sleepy (though no longer so somnolent, perhaps) Tumford for points south.

Meet Fatgris. He controls lightning, he's depressed, and he loves to party. He's also something of a straightedge, which is a recipe for unpopularity in Gabbalusian Tumford, home of leaf merchants, spider juices and facial spores alike. With an elven Narnia portal lurking, God knows what remaining in the market, and the mysteries of the South beckoning, can our heroes resolve these 8000 quest hooks before they break out to the wider world?

The party learns the unnecessarily real rules to the revenants' ancient dice game, but Fatgris' plans for mathematical domination of the table are interrupted early by the characteristically loud arrival of our favorite conman. Tempers flare, and what begins as a noble attempt to defend Fatgris' honor escalates almost out of control. One last javelin could have ended it forever - but murder isn't in our heroes' blood, and now a nemesis lurks, seeking revenge...

"We're all going to die one day. May as well die a weird death." Our heroes spread out through the Market Festival and seriously get some shit done. Areas north, east, south and west are discussed, and a plan for striking out into the wider world is fully developed. We learn of the Old King, suspended in mortal superposition, and guess at ye olde Creepy Spike's contribution to resolving his Heisenbergian dilemma. And many other feats besides! Featuring roboTulpa, Samson ASMR, and a really unfortunate fake Hatsune Miku Stones cover. We have a Patreon now! Please consider contributing: https://www.patreon.com/norangersallowed   ~~smoke weed everyday~~

Do you think there is life on the moon - and if there is life, is there love? After a truly stupendous amount of buildup, the gang hoots n hollers its way through shoving noble Bartholomew out of obscurity and into Tumford legend. No interference is brooked; no nos are taken for answers. Featuring a small struggle sesh with Tulpa's minor DMing insecurities. (Tell Tulpa how great they are at DMing, guys.)

Though the importance of new revelations about the true nature of the Spooky Spike can't be overstated, the adventure takes another great leap forward as the gang, for the first time, venture as a unit beyond the warm comfort of Tumford. They find themselves in a mysterious and hostile alien land. Druids are revealed as undercover cyberpunk transhumanists. We witness the birth of Tiger Schulmann's Holy Katana of Vengeance. Battered and bloodied, can our heroes find their way home?

In between theoretical discussions of binary planet cosmogeny, the party further learns that corrupted Elf Isle is really a pretty shit place. Despite some halfhearted efforts to keep watch, Mab, all innocence and light, is stolen away in the night. Now there is one question urgent above all others: Where's the Girl?

Mostly, we fight snakes. Envenomed and close to death, BJ becomes a rage monster. Honeydew, 4 levels and 14 episodes in, finally gets to Thunderwave. And our DM learns a little something about inspiration. Also, it turns out we're on the hematothurgical research island of a mad king but we already knew this place sucked so what else is new. WARNING: this episode features an attempt to represent the subjective experience of BJ not-tolerating a Gorm monologue

Pies, prog, and Peruvian panpipes. A horse accidentally named Horse bromances BJ and reveals new secrets of Gorm's past. His dick is an open question. But nevermind: into the depths of Vittorik the party must descend. Mab still must be saved and the encroaching Nothing dispelled. And one halfling has the power to open the hearts of man and fish alike.

The gang's MIT degree really pays for itself. With the fish and shark people being drawn slowly into revolutionary fervor (and elf porn), our heroes uncover more sinister features of the Vittorik hemomancy facility, as well as an experimental hazardous environment armor. But they also find something more important than magical baubles: friendship.

A very manually-centric episode, involving little grabby hands, fishmittens, and alien Mars Reactor-esque power pedestals. The party falls under a hilarious curse, divers in its effect, but still finds time to discover ancient secrets about The Seed nee The Egg, as well as foment the piscine communist revolution. Meanwhile Honeydew says a lot of stuff about aluminum and electrolysis? A lot happens in this one is what I'm saying.

The party begins to peel back the layers of the dark underbelly of the Egg. Valorous battle is entered: BJ uses filthy ninjitsu; Bernie employs, and immediately breaks, what she affectionately calls her Warbags; and Ven rends the darkness with a megachurch Cuisinart. Honeydew's claustrophobia interrupts the spoofs and goofs, however, and the party barely begins to deal with the presence of a new darkness before a newer, even darker, darkness is revealed...

A CLIMAX. The party begins by solving Rivenesque puzzles to unlock interplanetary secrets. Irtya is even more than she has seemed, but before the party can understand the cosmological significance of these partial revelations, the Dragon in the Basement is unleashed. Our heroes fight both monsters and the clock as they struggle to evacuate the Egg. But not every comrade will make it. Sometimes, to save the lives of others, a sacrifice is required.

The party has a TMNT (original live-action movie version) spiritual experience with the ghost of their friend(?) Gorm, but have no time to properly grieve before set upon by a pack of bandits and their mincing leader. When they part ways, the party is laser focused on the twin goals of Revenge and Escape - until someone offers to give BJ a bath. That's worth a sidequest.