Normalize therapy.

“How couples argue and disagree about issues appears to be more consequential to the success of marriage than what they argue about or how often they experience conflicts.” To reword the above quote taken from an article by Hanzal and Segrin in the Journal of Family Communication, you could simply say “how we fight has far more influence on the future of our marriage, than what we fight about”. Therefore, our fighting style, or how we fight, really matters. Conflict in marriage arises from differences in preferences, backgrounds, and values between partners. Conflict in marriage is a natural and inevitable part of relationships, as two individuals bring together their unique perspectives, habits, and expectations. Before I get into the different styles of fighting, we need to be aware that gender differences make a big difference in our fights. In fact, a husband and a wife will experience the same fight differently. Not just because they have different perspectives, but because they are different genders. You might not be a typical couple, and that’s not necessarily a problem, but the following things, about how most couples operate are good to keep in mind. Studies show women tend to be more negative in conflict and use confrontational behaviors that say “this is all about me”, rather than the marriage. The behaviors include being demanding, hostile, threatening, insulting and insisting that all the change should come from their husband. Research shows that wives tend to use more destructive conflict behaviors than husbands, which can contribute to higher divorce rates. But to generalize men as well for a moment… Men are more likely to avoid. They get scared of the big emotions, so feel safer avoiding them altogether. Withdrawal behaviors, such as keeping quiet or leaving to cool down, especially when used by either husband, are linked to higher divorce rates. Another thing for men to keep in mind is that the less influence a woman feels she has in her marriage, the bigger the artillery she has to use to gain influence, so the more confrontational she will be. Husbands, if you want a happier wife, receive her influence! Remember, both husband and wife have the same end goal of trying to save the marriage, but they come at it from two completely different angles. Couples who engage in a demand-withdraw pattern, where one partner demands and the other spouse withdraws, are at a higher risk for divorce. Not only do they have different perspectives, but conflict behaviors in the early years of marriage can predict divorce rates over a span of 16 years. Some conflicts in marriage are perpetual and rooted in fundamental differences in personality or lifestyle, and unresolvable conflicts are inherent in all relationships because each partner is a unique person with their own reality. Nearly 70% of all marriage conflicts are considered perpetual and essentially unresolvable, but healthy conflict in marriage can lead to growth and deeper intimacy when managed well. Introduction to Conflict If you’re reading this, you likely understand that conflict is a natural part of your relationship journey—and yes, that includes your marriage. No matter how deeply you love your spouse, you will face moments when disagreements surface—whether they center on finances, parenting decisions, control dynamics, or simply the overwhelming pressures of daily life. Here’s what truly matters: it’s not whether conflict happens in your relationship, but how you and your partner navigate these challenges together as a united team. Learning to resolve conflict in a healthy, constructive way represents one of the most transformative skills you can develop for building the strong, loving marriage you deserve. Your marital conflicts often emerge from the beautiful complexity of bringing together two unique individuals—each of you carries distinct opinions, values, and personality traits that make you who you are. The key lies in approaching these differences with genuine mutual respect and a deep willingness to understand not only your own emotional experience, but your partner’s inner world as well. Effective conflict resolution begins with developing strong communication skills that will serve your relationship for years to come. This means you’ll practice active listening with intention, express your feelings with honesty and vulnerability (while avoiding the destructive patterns of finger-pointing or blame), and together create a safe emotional space where both of you feel truly heard and valued. Relationship expert John Gottman’s research demonstrates that couples who invest in truly listening and empathizing with each other experience far greater success in resolving conflicts and actually strengthening their bond through these challenges. It’s also essential for you to recognize that some disagreements—what Gottman identifies as “perpetual conflicts”—may never find complete resolution, and that’s perfectly normal. Rather than allowing these ongoing issues to create resentment or letting yourselves go to bed carrying anger, you and your partner can work collaboratively to address the deeper underlying concerns and discover constructive pathways forward. By genuinely acknowledging each other’s perspectives and functioning as a true partnership, you can prevent minor tensions from escalating into major threats to your relationship’s foundation. When you or your spouse feels hurt or misunderstood, addressing those vulnerable feelings with genuine care and shared responsibility becomes absolutely crucial. By avoiding blame and focusing your energy on deep understanding, both of you can feel supported and valued, even during moments of disagreement. Remember, your goal isn’t to “win” any argument, but to discover solutions that honor both of your needs while strengthening the intimate connection you share. By making conflict resolution a central priority in your marriage, you’re making a profound investment in a relationship that can not only survive life’s inevitable challenges but actually emerge stronger and more resilient over time. Whether you’re working through a specific difficult situation or simply navigating the everyday complexities of married life, developing the skills to manage conflict with empathy, respect, and open communication will help you build the loving, lasting partnership you both envision for your future together. Anger in Marital Conflict One thing that surprised us in the research for this topic, was that an angry wife has a far greater negative impact on marital satisfaction than an equally angry husband. The Proverb that says ”It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman” apparently is very true! It’s important to remember that hurt feelings in marriage can occur even when neither spouse has done anything wrong, often due to unmet expectations. Wives need to take their anger seriously! Yes, male anger can be more dangerous (and I don’t want to minimize that in any ways, but in non-abusive marriages a wife’s anger not only lowers their marriage satisfaction but their husband’s as well. The angrier we become (this goes for both husbands and wives but I’m specifically thinking of women), the more tempted we are to use nasty behavior such as demand, withdrawal, contempt, and criticism; all of which are particularly corrosive to marital well-being. Instead, expressing feelings openly and calmly, and acknowledging when you or your spouse feel hurt, can prevent anger from festering and help foster understanding and empathy. When anger has caused hurt, offering a genuine apology is valuable—sincere apologies can help heal wounds and strengthen the bond between partners. Styles Dr. John Gottman identified several marital conflict styles that describe how couples typically handle disagreements. Every marriage has its own particular set of disagreements, often rooted in the unique backgrounds, temperaments, and experiences of the two individuals involved. These differences naturally lead to relationship problems, as couples encounter conflicting desires and expectations. For example, a typical relationship problem might involve disagreements about money, division of chores, or parenting approaches. Couples often find themselves having the same argument repeatedly without resolution, which can lead to feelings of unfair treatment and misunderstanding. It’s important to recognize that most unresolvable marriage conflicts involve differences of opinion rather than moral issues, making it possible for couples to agree to disagree and address these challenges constructively. This model of fighting styles is taken from Dr. Gottman’s study in 1993. The first three are functional and work fine. The last two are considered unstable. 1. Avoiders Typical Behaviors Avoiders don’t think they are avoiders but don’t have any specific strategies for resolving conflict. They may wait stuff out or even talk stuff out, but never really go deep with each other. They kind of state their points, reaffirm their common ground and move on after coming up with some ambiguous solution. Impact on Marriage When issues are left unresolved, couples may end up feeling distant and lonely. Often have the same argument repeatedly without resolution, leading to feelings of unfair treatment and misunderstanding. Avoiders tend to shy away from open conversation, which is essential to solve problems and build intimacy. Couples who avoid discussing their differences are less happy over time, particularly women. Tips for Improvement Agree to start opening up to each other and stop bottling up issues in your marriage. Practice active listening and make time for honest conversations. Consider taking a communication and conflict resolution course like Talk To Me 101. Compromise and find solutions that benefit both partners, such as alternating preferences for vacations or family gatherings. 2. Volatiles Typical Behaviors Volat

Key Takeaways Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse that makes victims question their memory, perception, and sanity through deliberate manipulation The term is originally derived from the 1938 play “Gas Light” where a husband manipulates his wealthy wife into doubting her reality as he attempts to steal her generational wealth Common tactics include lying, denial, minimizing feelings, blame-shifting, and rewriting history to gain power and control Victims often experience anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and difficulty trusting themselves or others Recovery involves seeking support, documenting incidents, trusting your instincts, and potentially leaving the abusive relationship https://youtu.be/NfJGNfpg2IQ If you’ve ever found yourself constantly second guessing your own memories, wondering if you’re “too sensitive,” or feeling like you’re losing your grip on reality in a relationship, you may be experiencing gaslighting. This insidious form of emotional abuse affects millions of people, leaving them confused, isolated, and questioning their own sanity. It is important to remember that gaslighting is not the victim’s fault; the abusive behavior is a choice made by the gaslighter. Be reassured: you’re not imagining things, and you’re not alone. Gaslighting is a real, documented form of psychological abuse that mental health professionals recognize as deeply harmful. Understanding what gaslighting involves, why people do it, and how to protect yourself is the first step toward reclaiming your reality and your life. What is Gaslighting? Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse where one person manipulates another into doubting their own memory, perception, and sanity. This deliberate psychological manipulation causes confusion, self-doubt, and increases the victim’s reliance on the abuser. Unlike simple lying or disagreement, gaslighting specifically targets your sense of reality itself. As a result, victims often feel unsure about their own perceptions and reality, further deepening their confusion and vulnerability. The longer gaslighting continues, the more a victim may start to rely on the gaslighter to define reality. The term gaslighting comes from the 1938 play “Angel Street” (later called “Gas Light”) and the 1944 Alfred Hitchcock film adaptation. In the story, a husband systematically manipulates his wife’s environment—dimming the gas lights in their home while insisting she’s only imagining the changes. He denies her perceptions so persistently that she begins to believe she’s losing her mind. This is a classic example of a gaslighter gaslighting their victim, using manipulative tactics to make her question her reality. This deliberate campaign to undermine someone’s grip on reality gave us the word gaslighting. The distinction between gaslighting and other forms of manipulation or lying is crucial. While all relationships involve disagreement and (unfortunately!) even some lying, gaslighting specifically targets one’s sense of reality. It’s not about winning an argument—it’s about making you doubt your own perceptions, memories, and mental stability to gain control. Gaslighters may even suggest you have a bad memory, using phrases like “You’re crazy – that never happened,” to discredit your experiences and undermine your credibility. Gaslighting can occur in romantic relationships, families, workplaces, and friendships. The National Domestic Violence Hotline reports that 74% of women seeking domestic violence support have experienced gaslighting, making it one of the most common forms of psychological abuse. Women and marginalized groups are more likely to experience gaslighting due to systemic power imbalances. Types of Gaslighting Intimate partner gaslighting is the most recognized form, occurring in romantic relationships where an abusive partner systematically undermines the other’s reality. This might involve denying conversations, rewriting relationship history, or making their partner feel “crazy” for having normal emotional reactions. Workplace gaslighting involves colleagues or supervisors undermining your credibility, denying conversations about work assignments, or dismissing your concerns about workplace issues. This form of abuse often targets competent employees to maintain power structures or avoid accountability. Parental gaslighting occurs when caregivers manipulate children’s reality and emotions, denying abusive incidents or rewriting family history. Children who experience this form of abuse often struggle with self-trust and healthy relationship patterns into adulthood. Racial gaslighting involves denying or minimizing experiences of bias and discrimination. This might include dismissing someone’s experiences of racism as “oversensitivity” or claiming that racial bias doesn’t exist in certain situations. Racial gaslighting discredits the experiences of an entire racial or ethnic group to undermine their credibility. Medical gaslighting happens when healthcare providers dismiss patients’ symptoms or concerns, particularly affecting women and minorities who report pain or unusual symptoms. This can lead to delayed diagnoses and serious health consequences. These patterns are examples of an abusive person’s behavior, which can occur in any relationship type. Psychology of the Gaslighter Understanding why people gaslight others reveals a disturbing pattern of power-seeking behavior rooted in deep psychological issues. Gaslighters are primarily motivated by an overwhelming need for power, control, and dominance over others. Manipulative people often use gaslighting as a tactic to achieve their goals. Their actions stem from a fundamental inability to handle accountability, criticism, or perceived threats to their authority. Gaslighting harms those who experience it and leads to increased dependence on the partner who is behaving abusively. Some people who engage in gaslighting behaviors display specific personality traits that make them particularly dangerous in relationships. They typically lack empathy, show excessive need for admiration, and exhibit grandiose self-perception. These individuals often present different faces to different people, maintaining a charming public image while privately tormenting their victims. Gaining control over others is a core motivation for these individuals, driving their persistent use of psychological manipulation. Mental health professionals have identified strong connections between gaslighting behavior and certain mental health disorders. Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is particularly associated with gaslighting, as individuals with NPD require constant validation and cannot tolerate being wrong or challenged. They view relationships as competitions they must win rather than partnerships built on mutual respect. Gaslighting can also contribute to or exacerbate mental illness in victims, leading to conditions such as anxiety, depression, or PTSD. Antisocial personality disorder also correlates with gaslighting behaviors, as these individuals often lack conscience and view others as objects to be manipulated rather than people deserving of respect. However, it’s important to note that not everyone who gaslights has a personality disorder—some learn these behaviors from childhood trauma, dysfunctional family systems, or as part of covering up an addiction. Some gaslighters may be unconscious of their behavior, using reality distortion as a defense mechanism to protect their fragile self-image. However, the most damaging gaslighters are deliberately manipulative, systematically planning their psychological attacks to gain control over their victims. The role of childhood trauma cannot be overlooked in understanding gaslighter psychology. Many people who gaslight others grew up in homes where emotional abuse was normalized, where they learned that manipulation and control were acceptable ways to handle relationships. This doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it helps explain how these destructive patterns develop and perpetuate across generations. Common Gaslighting Tactics Gaslighters use systematic patterns of manipulation designed to confuse, control, and undermine their victims’ confidence. They may dismiss hurtful comments or actions as ‘just a joke’ to minimize their behavior and make the victim question their own feelings. These tactics often escalate in frequency and intensity over time, creating a web of psychological control that becomes increasingly difficult to escape. Recognizing the signs of gaslighting is crucial for understanding emotional abuse and taking steps toward recovery. Outright Lying and Denial One of the most blatant gaslighting techniques involves bold-faced lying, even when evidence clearly proves otherwise. Gaslighters will deny conversations, agreements, or events that obviously occurred, often responding with phrases like “That never happened” or “You’re making things up.” This tactic specifically targets a person’s memory, making them question and doubt their own recollection of events. This reality distortion goes beyond simple dishonesty—it’s a calculated attack on your ability to trust your own memories. When someone consistently denies obvious facts, they’re training you to doubt your own perceptions and rely on their version of reality instead. Gaslighters also create false narratives to justify their actions or behavior. They might claim you misunderstood their intentions, rewrite the history of arguments, or invent entirely fictional motivations for their abusive behavior. This constant reframing of reality keeps victims confused and off-balance. Reality Questioning Perhaps the most insidious tactic involves directly challenging your memory and perception. Gaslighters use phrases like “You’re remembering it wrong” or “It’s all in your head” to make you question your own experiences. They particularly target traumatic or significant events, insisting these incidents never occurred or happe

Discovering that your partner might be struggling with sex addiction can feel overwhelming and frightening. You may be experiencing confusion, deep hurt, or uncertainty about your next steps. If you’re asking yourself, “Is my partner a sex addict?” this article is here to provide you with the understanding and clarity you deserve during this difficult time. Sexual addiction, also known as compulsive sexual behavior or hypersexual disorder, is a complex mental health condition that affects many individuals and the people who love them. Recognizing the signs and understanding the true nature of sex addiction becomes a powerful starting point for addressing its impact on your partner, your relationship, and your emotional well-being. Key Points in This Article Understanding Sex Addiction: Sex addiction is a mental health condition rooted in emotional and psychological wounds, characterized by compulsive behaviors similar to other addictions, affecting about 3% to 10% of the population. Distinguishing Sex Addiction from Healthy Sexuality and Porn Addiction: Unlike healthy sexuality, which fosters emotional connection, sex addiction involves secrecy, shame, and behaviors used to avoid difficult emotions, often linked with broader compulsive sexual activities and pornography use. Signs, Symptoms, and Causes of Sex Addiction: Signs include loss of control, preoccupation with sexual thoughts, risky behaviors, and continuation despite negative consequences, often caused by trauma, family background, neurochemical factors, and co-occurring mental health conditions. Treatment and Support Options for Sex Addiction: Effective treatment includes individual, group, and couples therapy, sometimes medication, and support groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous, focusing on managing urges, addressing emotional wounds, and rebuilding trust. Supporting Partners and Moving Toward Recovery: Supporting a partner involves encouraging professional help, honest communication, boundaries, and patience, with recovery being a long-term process that can restore trust and foster emotional healing. What Is Sex Addiction? Sex addiction is a real, tangible challenge rooted in deeper emotional and psychological wounds—not simply a relationship issue or a matter of willpower. It’s crucial for you to understand that sex addiction isn’t caused by a lack of love or attraction toward you; rather, it stems from underlying psychological struggles that require specialized, professional support. Sex addiction mirrors other addictions, such as substance abuse, involving compulsive behaviors, intense cravings, and difficulty stopping despite devastating consequences. Studies suggest that sex addiction may affect about 3% to 10% of the general population in North America. Additionally, sex addiction occurs more frequently in men than women, with research indicating that for every two to five males with hypersexuality, one woman is affected. This article explores what sex addiction truly is, how it differs from healthy sexuality, the underlying causes, and the proven treatment options available for those ready to reclaim their lives from this condition. Defining Sex Addiction Sex addiction is often misunderstood, creating confusion about what actually constitutes compulsive sexual behavior versus a healthy sexual appetite. It’s important for you to understand that sex addiction isn’t simply having a high sex drive or enjoying frequent sexual activity with your partner. Healthy sexuality involves intimacy, closeness, and affection that foster emotional growth and deeper connection between you and your partner. In contrast, compulsive sexual behavior is characterized by using sexual acts to avoid difficult emotions, ultimately leading to significant amounts of shame, lies, betrayal and alienation within your relationship. Sex Addiction vs. Porn Addiction Sex addiction is also distinct from porn addiction, though the two can be interconnected. While some individuals struggling with sex addiction may frequently engage in pornography or phone sex, sexual addiction encompasses a much broader range of compulsive sexual behaviors. These behaviors include reckless sexual activity, excessive masturbation, frequent one-night stands, infidelity, paying for sexual services, seeking out strangers for sexual encounters, or involvement with sex workers and strip clubs. Cheating on you as their partner is a behavior that arises from the compulsive nature of sex addiction, creating even deeper wounds in your relationship. Moreover, sex addiction is not synonymous with sex offending, although many sex offenders may also struggle with sexual addiction. Criteria for Sex Addiction Mental health professionals rely on specific criteria to identify this disorder, including: Loss of control over sexual actions and compulsive behaviors despite repeated efforts to stop. Preoccupation with sexual thoughts and fantasies that dominate daily life. Inability to fulfill personal, professional, or relational obligations due to compulsive sexual behavior. Continuation of sexual activities despite devastating consequences such as relationship breakdown, legal problems, or physical and mental health deterioration. Escalation of sexual behaviors to satisfy increasing cravings. Experiencing withdrawal symptoms when unable to engage in sexual acts. For example, your partner may find themselves engaging in inappropriate sexual conduct even when it puts their work and/or personal health at risk or interferes with their daily responsibilities. Sex Addiction Assessments Sex Addiction Screening Test – Revised (SAST-R) This is one of the most widely used screening tools, which has been used in at least eight published, peer-reviewed empirical studies, and is routinely used in practice at several inpatient residential treatment centers, and by certified sex addiction therapists (CSATs) across the United States, and in other countries (Carnes et al., 2012). Originated in 1989, and has been subsequently revised to adjust to homosexual or female populations. In our practice, we use this as part of a larger assessment called the SDI which is a very comprehensive bundle of assessments which form an effective basis for planning treatment of sexual addiction. However, it is freely available on the Internet and is a great tool to use at the start of therapy to begin to understand the severity of your partner’s addiction. PATHOS Because the SAST is a little bit long, some folks also developed an assessment called PATHOS. It’s just six questions long and has had a couple of studies done already to establish its validity (Carnes et al, 2012): Do you often find yourself preoccupied with sexual thoughts? (Preoccupied) Do you hide some of your sexual behavior from others? (Ashamed) Have you ever sought help for sexual behavior you did not like? (Treatment) Has anyone been hurt emotionally because of your sexual behavior? (Hurt) Do you feel controlled by your sexual desire? (Out of control) When you have sex, do you feel depressed afterwards? (Sad) If your spouse answers “yes” to 3 or more of those questions, we gently recommend that you reach out to a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist who can walk alongside you on this healing journey. Please remember that this is an informal assessment, and there’s always the possibility of false positives or negatives—connecting with a qualified, compassionate clinician will help you gain the clarity and support you deserve for a proper understanding of your situation. We encourage you to approach self-diagnosis with care and kindness toward yourself. For instance, you might consider the example of a 22-year-old who is struggling with pornography—perhaps viewing it once a week. He could easily answer yes to 4, 5, or even 6 of those questions, but labeling him as a sex addict would really overstate and misrepresent the true nature of his challenge and potentially cause unnecessary distress. Many of the young adults we’ve had the privilege of supporting through pornography concerns find their path to recovery and maintain lasting sobriety after just 10 to 14 counseling sessions. In contrast, someone with a more complex sex addiction typically embarks on a deeper 3 to 5-year therapeutic journey to build the robust foundation of sobriety and healing they deserve. Your journey is unique, and there’s hope and specialized care available no matter where you find yourself today. The Addictive Cycle As compulsive sexual behaviors escalate, individuals often experience intense excitement or heightened arousal that reinforces the addictive cycle, making it even harder to break free. This cycle is influenced by the type of dopamine response triggered by different types of sexual stimuli or behaviors, which can further entrench the addiction. These signs and symptoms reflect a serious impulse control disorder that deserves the addict’s attention and compassionate care. There are various types of proven therapy available to address sex addiction, and treatment is often tailored to your partner’s individual needs and any co-occurring mental health conditions. If you’re concerned about your own or your partner’s behaviors, take a moment to journal about the patterns you’ve noticed. This can help you determine whether these behaviors fit the patterns of sex addiction and guide you toward the support you both deserve. Differences Between Addictive and Healthy Sexuality Understanding the contrast between addictive and healthy sexuality can help you gain clarity about whether your partner’s sexual behaviors might indicate a serious problem. Characteristics of Addictive Sexuality Addictive sexuality often involves shame, secrecy, and dishonesty, frequently compromising personal values and creating self-destructive patterns. It may rely on fear, reenact childhood abuse, disconnect individuals from their authentic selves, and foster a world of unreality. Addictive sexuality also often includes controll

Loving someone who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is a journey many walk but few discuss openly. As the partner, you stand in a unique and often challenging place. You may feel confused by triggers, hurt by what feels like rejection, and helpless in your desire to connect with the person you love. The past trauma can feel like a third person in your marriage, impacting everything from sexual intimacy to everyday affection. You are not alone in this. And more importantly, there is hope. Healing is possible, not just for the survivor, but for the relationship. We invited author, speaker, and survivor Mary DeMuth to Normalize therapy for a compassionate and practical conversation. She and her husband, Patrick, have navigated this path and offer a rare window into the journey from both sides. https://youtu.be/XcpGYV0JfJ8 Here is an edited transcript of our conversation, offering practical wisdom for partners who are committed to loving their spouse toward healing. Meet Mary DeMuth: A Survivor’s Perspective Caleb: Mary, thank you so much for joining us. Your willingness to speak on difficult topics like this is a lifeline for so many. Before we dive in, for listeners who may not be familiar with your story, could you share a little bit about why this topic is so close to your heart? Mary: Yeah. So as you mentioned, I am a survivor of sexual assault in, uh, several different kinds of forms, primarily one year as a kindergartner, uh, for multiple times. And so there’s just a lot of sexual brokenness there. Knowing the statistics and knowing how many people, whether men or women who have been sexually assaulted… it deeply impacts your intimate relationships. And… no one ever talked to us about it, and it was not an easy climb out of that hole. So I just am here to offer some hope because there were many years where I felt hopeless about it. The “Hottie For Your Honey Seminar”: Why Culture Gets Sex Wrong for Survivors Caleb: In one of your articles, Mary, you described being at a woman’s conference where the speaker was exhorting women to be a “hottie for your honey”. And… your description of feeling so uncomfortable and out of place… you also use the phrase of feeling like a “skinny girl at a sumo wrestling seminar,” that kind of really powerful image of feeling alienated. Can you talk about that gap between the common cultural or church narrative about marital sex and the actual reality for survivors of childhood sexual abuse? Mary: I remember sitting in that room… and I was so mad. I knew the statistics and I knew that between anywhere from 40 to 75% of those women had been sexually assaulted in some way. And for them to be forced or pressured… to act a certain way, was hard enough for someone with no injury, but… almost impossible for someone with sexual injury. There’s two problems. One problem is, as a survivor of sexual abuse, some of the things they were telling us to do were impossible for me, at least at that time. The second part was that in a lot of these spaces… they’ll be like, “Don’t have sex before marriage”. Okay, great. The moment you’re married, then suddenly… you have to just be a hundred percent okay with everything when you’ve been told that it’s bad and awful and terrible up until that point. So if you take those two things together, if you’re a sexual abuse victim and you’ve been raised in that kind of evangelical complex… it makes for a very disappointing and freaked out… wedding night. Caleb: Yeah. And then day of marriage, you’re supposed to flip a switch… I can’t even imagine layering on top of that when you’re a survivor of sexual violence and your body is just like, “What? This is safe now?” It’s very confusing. Beyond the Bedroom: When Even a Hug Feels Unsafe Caleb: And so while it… makes sense that the sexual intimacy is a huge challenge, you’ve also written about how trauma affects… everyday non-sexual affection too. You used… this beautiful and kind of funny metaphor about it being easier to “chase an aloof cat” than to hug your own family sometimes. Can you unpack that for us? How does the trauma footprint extend beyond sex into daily acts of physical touch? Mary: Well typically, and not always, but typically in an abusive situation, um, your body helps you by disassociating you. For instance, when I was being harmed… as a five-year-old, I’d fly up to the top of the trees. I would dissociate from it. And… that becomes this like safety pattern for you… this fear of connecting with your body. I also was raised in a home where there was very little affection. I had to beg for it. And so when my kids would be injured, I knew what the right thing to do was. I knew that I needed to comfort them. I needed to wrap my arms around them. …but that was not innate to me. And I, so I had to tell myself to do those things… My fallback was to disassociate. And so I had to coach myself internally. Like, “Your child is crying. They need a hug”. …there’s a huge vulnerability in eye to eye contact or kissing or hugging. You… open yourself up… to be harmed if you’re vulnerable that way. Caleb: …it makes a lot of sense that it does have that reach. And it’s almost like you had to coach yourself into that… real time… to remind yourself, “Okay, this is safe right here. This is my child.” Mary: Yes, at along with a begging of the Lord, “Please help me do this naturally”. …there was a real ache inside of me of I just… I’m tired of coaching myself and I want this to be a natural thing. The Partner’s View: “Why Doesn’t She Love Me This Way?” Caleb: …just shifting a little bit toward the partner experience. One of the things that you have written about… is from your husband, Patrick. …he wrote part of, Not Marked. …at the end of every chapter, he shares his perspective. For the husband or partner listening right now who feels… completely lost or just… unsure, what were some of Patrick’s initial reactions, uh, misunderstandings when you realized the depth of how your past was impacting your present? Mary: I think part of the problem was… myself. When we started dating, I’ve, I’m always a very open book… He knew all about the sexual abuse. But I couched it in, “But God has healed me”. Not understanding that the moment I had sex, I would be 100% triggered. Not realizing that I would be on layers and layers and layers of healing for the rest of my life. So… to be fair to him, I… did disclose. He thought everything was fine. ’cause I told him it was fine. And the moment we got married… I just pushed it down because I wanted to be this godly Christian wife. Any sort of… terror or fear, I just tolerated it. Now that is not fun for a couple. And then… his bewilderment over, “Why… does she have to psych herself up and why doesn’t she love me this way?” “Why is it hard? It’s like a chore for her, but for me it’s a delight”. …for several years I just pretended… because I wanted to be a good Christian girl. Caleb: …it makes sense too that when you… don’t really have a frame for fully understanding what’s going on, like perhaps in Patrick’s case, it’s easy to blame yourself or to… interpret it as rejection. Mary: 100%. He felt rejected. I mean, it’s a valid feeling because it happened. …it wasn’t intentional. I was… trying my hardest, but it still feels that way. I think… he even said once he was just… really, really mad at those neighborhood boys that did that to me as a 5-year-old… because they stole something from our marriage. And I agree they did. The Turning Point: From Helpless Anger to Empathetic Partner Caleb: In one article I read Patrick wrote with incredible honesty about his own journey from feeling helpless and angry… to becoming a safe place for you. What… was that turning point for him? Mary: When I was writing, Not Marked… he started reading some books about… trauma and sexual trauma and his eyes were really open. And he… was like, “Oh my gosh… You are trying so hard. And you, I thought you weren’t trying at all”. …there’s this metaphor… I talked about this maze… I was at the end of the maze and there were a hundred obstacles before I would make it to the end. He was at toward the end of the maze and had to make maybe two or three turns to get to the end. …he finally realized that I was at the back of the maze and I was just beginning my journey. …he thinks we’re starting at the same place. But I’m way back here. Caleb: …it makes a ton of sense. And I… love the fact that he read books too. …it sounds like that was a real turning point for him just getting educated about the experience of survivors. Practical Advice for Partners: How to Rebuild Safety and Trust Initiating Intimacy Without Causing a Trigger Caleb: What practical advice can you offer partners on how to initiate intimacy, both emotional and physical, in a way that feels safe and honoring to their survivor spouse? Mary: A sexual abuse victim had no agency… and obviously no intimacy before that happened. …a sexual abuse victim feels raped, even though it is not the intention of the spouse. They would be completely devastated to hear that. But it’s a reality. And so you have to be extra cautious about… approaching your spouse if you’ve done no deposits into the relational bank. [We] will just feel so used, like “I’m just a body to you.” …it will trigger us back. Now that’s a different thing… than them doing something that triggers you. So that’s, that requires an honest conversation. …it’s very delicate. But I found that as we were more honest in those areas… there was a relief that came. …it’s better if we’re honest, even though it’s… so scary. …once we… jumped over that hurdle, things got… so much better. The “High Dive”: Inviting Your Partner into Emotional Connection Caleb: Patrick described a division of you on a high diving board, afraid to jump into the family pool below… representing fully-present emotional engagement, connection, togetherness. …how can a partner gently and patiently encourage their spouse… to risk emotional

For many performers, the voice can feel like a mystery. You practice the techniques, you know the music, but a persistent block, chronic tension, or crippling stage fright holds you back from your true potential. What if the root of that struggle isn’t in your technique, but in your history? The body keeps a score of our experiences, and for a singer, whose very instrument is their body, the impact of past trauma can be profound. Unresolved trauma can manifest as physical “body armoring,” a deep sense of being unsafe on stage, and a destructive inner critic. To explore this powerful connection, Therapevo’s Caleb Simonyi-Gindele sat down with our colleague Ron de Jager. Ron lives at the unique intersection of world-class performance and clinical counselling. As a Doctor of Musical Arts, an accomplished vocalist, and a specialist therapist, he offers a unique and compassionate perspective on what it takes to heal the instrument and set your voice free. https://youtu.be/h67KrGHF7hg Here is a polished transcript of their conversation. Why is a singer’s experience of trauma so profoundly different? Caleb: For our listeners, can you start by explaining one of the powerful statements from your research: “A singer’s body is his or her instrument.” Why does that make a singer’s experience of trauma so profoundly different? Ron: I started as a pianist, so my instrument was here in front of me. It was me and the instrument, and the audience was there. Then all of a sudden, you take that away and it’s just me. That becomes a much more vulnerable situation. When you’re vulnerable, more things will start to show up. We might be a little bit naive in thinking that we’ve got it masked and covered very well, but sometimes the audience is pretty perceptive. No matter our best job at covering it, our body will still show certain things. As a singing teacher, I started to become aware of those things, like, “Where is that showing up, why is it showing up, and what is it indicative of?” It’s a symptom of something rather than just being the problem. Just something like getting nervous—if you get a little nervous when you’re speaking, the voice can start to quiver, you don’t get enough breath underneath it, and all of a sudden you squeak and crack. That body stuff might show up more for singers than other kinds of musicians because it’s just you and your voice out there. How can past trauma manifest in a singer’s performance? Caleb: You’ve said that trauma affects the entire organism—physical, mental, social, and spiritual. Can you give us an example of how a past trauma, like childhood sexual abuse, might manifest in a singer’s voice or performance in a way that most of us would probably not even recognize? Ron: For sure. Especially if it’s undealt with, it can show up physically in different ways. Some things that I’ve noticed with singers is locking through the lower abdominal areas, through the solar plexus, and right into the pelvis. It can be in the knees and the buttocks as well. All those areas will just lock and get tense. It can be jaw or tongue tension as well. You can see it sometimes if the individual is really trying to get sound out without releasing; you can see trembling in the lower abdominal area. Jaw tension is often a position of “we’re not going to let anybody in.” In a place where you’re trying to express very openly and freely, when you’re not letting people in, people can see something’s going on there. If the tongue is really tense, it will pull the larynx high, which means you’re going to have to work extra hard. Imagine if we’ve got tension here, and here, and we’re trying to make a free sound—how much that’s going to hold the singer back, not just in their sound, but in their storytelling. You’re working against all these roadblocks. How can singing be both healing and re-traumatizing? Caleb: Many people see singing as a joyful and expressive act. How does unresolved trauma create a paradox where the very act of singing can be both a source of potential healing and, simultaneously, a source of re-traumatization? Ron: Music is such an amazing healer, and we can never underestimate that. From a singer’s standpoint, the fact that we have to inhale from a really deep place and then release breath—that breathing itself is cathartic. But then feeling that all of a sudden we can make sounds, that we actually have a voice and that voice matters. Often with abuse, the voice is squelched, physically or psychologically. If there was ever a time when the individual felt that their voice didn’t matter, all of a sudden it starts to matter. You have something worth saying. And you don’t have to just say it with words; you can say it with music added to it, because there’s so much more behind it. At the same time, it can be retraumatizing. I never really thought about this until I was working with singers more and I would ask them to breathe low. You’d think, “Why can’t they let go? Just breathe.” But especially if there’s been childhood sexual abuse, we’re asking them to release the very part of their body where they were violated. There’s no wonder they can’t. So this is a much more gentle process, and you have to be patient. It’s about finding that space that’s safe to let go. That part can be incredibly healing—letting go of the violation as well while you’re breathing. What is “body armoring” and what are the signs? Caleb: You use the term “body armoring.” In your work with singers, what are the first things you look for that tell you that their technical struggle is possibly more rooted in trauma rather than a lack of training? Ron: That’s a great question. I think it’s probably the persistence of whatever technical thing that we’re trying to overcome, that there’s just no release in it. When you listen to a singer, some things you watch for are physical things. Is there actual holding on? Is there tension? How about the release of breath? Can they actually just sigh and make it sound consistent? Then the actual sound can tell you a fair amount. The rate of vibrato, which is just a natural wave if the voice is free. If that vibrato is typically really fast, we call that a tremolo. If it gets really wide, we call that a wobble. That can be from a lack of proper breath movement or hypertension through here. The sound can tell you a lot. And lastly, how they interpret a piece. Are there certain pieces that are traumatic for them that they just can’t connect with?Maybe it’s too close to home for them to connect with where they’re at in their journey. How does attachment history make the stage feel unsafe? Caleb: Performers often seek validation from an audience. How might a history of insecure attachment, which so often stems from childhood trauma, amplify that need for approval and turn the stage into a place that feels very unsafe? Ron: If there’s been a time when an attachment has been broken, especially between primary caregivers like a father or mother, it definitely transfers over into, “We want to be accepted and we want to be good enough.” Especially if a parent expected more of a child, and what they did was never good enough. No matter how hard the child strove, they could never reach that full approval. If we translate that into going in front of an audience, it’s almost like the performer can put the burden of the response on the audience before they’ve even performed. “I know that they’re not going to like me because my technique isn’t up to snuff, and Sally Jane, who just sang before me, is a much stronger singer. They’re going to like her better.” All those thoughts are racing through someone’s head. That’s a huge burden to carry. And then to say, “I’ve got this incredible message I want to share with you,” and yet it’s hampered by all this going on in the mind. It’s just the hamster wheel. It’s exhausting. So working through where that lack of validation started and how is it different now? And taking that burden off the audience. What if we actually allow them to just respond however they’re going to respond? It’s about trusting the process more than trying to exert so much control over it. Can trauma cause a literal or psychological loss of voice? Caleb: You wrote, “When the silenced voice is that of a singer, issues of both childhood sexual abuse and singing are compounded.” Can you unpack that a little bit? Are we talking about a literal loss of vocal function, a psychological block, or both? Ron: It can be both. There’s something called Muscle Tension Dysphonia, which can come from a variety of things, and one of them is trauma. I have worked with singers who have experienced trauma and within a few days, lost their voice because something traumatic happened. The muscles through here get really tight. So it can be psychological that affects the physical, for sure. Another one is called Mutational Falsetto or Puberphonia. That can happen with young men when they’re going through puberty. It just means the voice doesn’t change. Typically the voice will drop an octave, but with Puberphonia, they’ll go right through it and the voice won’t drop.Those are sometimes indicative of something traumatic that’s happened where the young man just can’t get through into that lower voice. How can a teacher create safety and avoid triggering a student? Caleb: It was fascinating to read that even specific pedagogical exercises can be triggering for a singer. When a singer works with you, how do you create that sense of safety that allows them to explore their voice without that fear of being re-traumatized? Ron: I just discovered this more and more into my years of teaching, when I started to become more sensitive towards things that could possibly be triggering. For example, alignment and breathing are the basics of singing. I would get students to stand against a wall to line their body up and feel their shoulders opening back. Some of those positions can be a little bit triggering. If I open my chest up wide

Key Takeaways Dr. John Gottman’s research identifies four critical predictors of divorce: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling Safety must come first – marriages involving abuse cannot and should not be repaired until the abusive partner commits to change Many seemingly hopeless marriages can be saved through emotion-focused therapy when both partners show willingness to reconnect The presence of fundamental respect, shared values, and mutual commitment to growth often indicates a marriage worth saving Professional intervention through couples therapy significantly improves outcomes for distressed marriages when both partners participate https://youtu.be/wvZFraXEKyQ Asking yourself “how do I know when my marriage is beyond repair” represents one of the most painful moments in any relationship. When your marriage feels broken beyond repair, it’s natural to wonder if the damage can ever be undone. The constant fear that your entire relationship has reached an irretrievable breaking point can create an overwhelming emotional toll on your physical and mental health. Yet here’s what decades of research in emotion-focused couples therapy reveals: not all marriages that feel beyond repair actually are. While some relationships face truly insurmountable challenges, many couples who believe their marriage is beyond saving can rebuild their emotional connection and create a healthy relationship through professional guidance and mutual commitment to the healing process. Understanding the difference between a troubled marriage experiencing severe distress and one that’s genuinely beyond repair requires examining specific warning signs, recognizing when safety concerns must take priority, and knowing when hope for rebuilding remains possible. Immediate Warning Signs Your Marriage May Be In Serious Danger When couples find themselves feeling uncertain about their relationship’s future, certain warning signs indicate that immediate intervention is necessary. These symptoms don’t necessarily mean your marriage is beyond repair, but they signal that professional help is urgently needed to prevent further deterioration. Complete emotional shutdown represents one of the most serious warning signs. When one partner or both partners feel absolutely nothing positive toward each other anymore, the emotional distance has reached a critical point. This goes beyond temporary disconnection during stressful periods—it’s a persistent state where spending time together feels forced and artificial. Persistent contempt emerges through eye-rolling, name-calling, mocking behavior, and deliberate attempts to make your spouse feel inferior. Unlike healthy disagreements that focus on specific issues, contempt attacks your partner’s character and worth as a person. This toxic environment creates lasting damage to self-esteem and mutual respect. Total communication breakdown lasting months or years without any genuine attempts at resolution indicates that both partners have essentially given up on genuine communication. When conversations only involve logistics about daily life or escalate immediately into harmful behaviors, the foundation for rebuilding trust becomes severely compromised. Repeated betrayals involving infidelity, financial deception, or other major violations of trust—especially when accompanied by no genuine remorse or commitment to change—create a pattern that becomes increasingly difficult to overcome. The repeated betrayals destroy the safety necessary for emotional intimacy to survive. Active avoidance of each other and complete refusal to discuss relationship issues may indicate that one or both partners have emotionally checked out. When couples live separate lives under the same roof and actively avoid quality time together, they’re functioning more like hostile roommates than married partners. Spouse refuses all forms of marriage counseling or professional intervention, demonstrating an unwillingness to acknowledge problems or work toward solutions. When one partner categorically rejects the possibility of change or growth, the prognosis becomes much more challenging. The Four Horsemen: Gottman’s Predictors of Divorce Dr. John Gottman’s groundbreaking research spanning over four decades has identified four communication patterns that predict divorce with remarkable accuracy. These “Four Horsemen” represent toxic patterns that gradually erode the foundation of even previously strong marriages. Understanding these patterns helps distinguish between relationships experiencing temporary distress and those facing more serious threats. Criticism vs. Complaints Healthy marriages involve addressing problems through specific complaints that focus on particular behaviors or situations. Destructive criticism, however, attacks your partner’s character rather than addressing the underlying issues causing conflict. Constructive complaint: “I felt hurt when you forgot our anniversary dinner because it’s important to me that we celebrate our milestones together.” Destructive criticism: “You never remember anything important because you’re completely selfish and don’t care about anyone but yourself.” Notice how criticism uses absolute language like “always” and “never” while attacking character traits rather than specific actions. This pattern gradually erodes your spouse’s self-esteem and creates defensive reactions that prevent meaningful problem-solving. Contempt: The Most Dangerous Horseman Among the Four Horsemen, contempt stands as the strongest predictor of divorce when left untreated. Contempt involves deliberate attempts to make your partner feel inferior through expressions of disgust, superiority, and emotional cruelty. Common contempt behaviors include: Eye-rolling during conversations Name-calling and verbal insults Mocking your partner’s concerns or feelings Sarcastic responses designed to hurt Acting morally superior or talking down to your spouse Contempt destroys the emotional safety required for vulnerable communication and creates a toxic environment where emotional support becomes impossible. When contempt becomes a regular pattern, it signals that the fundamental respect necessary for a healthy marriage has been severely damaged. Defensiveness and Stonewalling Defensiveness occurs when partners respond to legitimate concerns by playing the victim, making excuses, or counter-attacking rather than taking responsibility for their actions. While occasional defensive reactions are normal, chronic defensiveness prevents couples from resolving conflicts constructively. Stonewalling involves completely shutting down emotionally during conversations, often accompanied by physical withdrawal like leaving the room or refusing to respond. Men tend to stonewall more frequently than women, often as a response to feeling emotionally overwhelmed or criticized. Both defensiveness and stonewalling prevent the honest communication necessary for addressing deeper issues in the relationship. When these patterns become entrenched, couples find themselves stuck in negative cycles where every attempt at connection leads to greater emotional distance. When Safety Must Come First: Marriages Involving Abuse Any marriage involving abuse cannot and should not be repaired until safety is established and the abusive partner demonstrates sustained commitment to change. This represents an absolute boundary where the question of whether the marriage is beyond repair becomes secondary to protecting the victim’s well being. Physical violence of any kind—hitting, pushing, blocking, throwing objects, or any form of physical intimidation—creates an environment where genuine therapeutic work becomes impossible. The constant fear generated by domestic violence prevents the emotional vulnerability required for healing and rebuilding trust. Emotional abuse through threats, intimidation, extreme control tactics, isolation from family members, financial abuse, or persistent verbal attacks creates equally harmful psychological damage. Victims of emotional abuse often struggle to recognize the severity of their situation because the abuse may be intermittent or justified by the abuser as “loving” or “caring.” Critical safety considerations: The abused partner cannot work on marriage issues while living in constant fear or under coercive control. Professional safety planning and often separation are necessary before any repair attempts can begin. Marriage counseling is actually contraindicated when active abuse is present, as it can escalate danger for the victim. In these cases, the abusive partner must demonstrate sustained commitment to change through individual therapy specifically addressing abusive behaviors, accountability groups, and consistent behavior modification over an extended period—typically measured in years, not months. Only after these safeguards are in place and the abusive partner is showing sustained commitment to reform over time would it be reasonable to consider engaging in couple’s therapy. Victims should contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for confidential support, safety planning, and resources. Local domestic violence organizations can provide legal guidance, emergency housing, and specialized counseling services designed for abuse survivors. Important note: Again, couples therapy should never be attempted while abuse is ongoing. Individual therapy for both partners, with specialized treatment for the abuser, must occur first. Only after sustained safety and genuine accountability can any form of relationship work be considered. Signs Your Marriage Can Still Be Saved While recognizing warning signs is crucial, understanding when hope remains possible can prevent couples from giving up prematurely on relationships that could be restored. Even marriages experiencing severe distress often retain certain qualities that indicate the relationship feels salvageable with proper professional gui

Key Takeaways Pornography withdrawal can cause both psychological symptoms (anxiety, depression, irritability) and physical symptoms (insomnia, fatigue, headaches), commonly referred to as porn addiction withdrawal symptoms (PAWS). The most common porn withdrawal symptoms include intense cravings, mood swings, difficulty concentrating, and sleep disturbances that typically peak within the first week. Additionally, increased sexual thoughts that are difficult to control and irritability are frequently reported. Withdrawal symptoms occur because regular pornography use alters brain chemistry and dopamine pathways, creating dependency similar to other behavioral addictions. Symptoms usually last anywhere from a few days to several weeks, with severity depending on frequency and duration of previous pornography use. Professional support and healthy coping strategies can help manage withdrawal symptoms and prevent relapse during the recovery process. https://youtu.be/ol8Ypi3v5hk If you’ve made the brave decision to quit porn, you may find yourself experiencing unexpected physical and emotional changes. These withdrawal symptoms are your brain’s natural response to breaking free from a behavioral addiction that has rewired your neural pathways over time. Professional help is often recommended to manage these symptoms and navigate the recovery process successfully. Understanding what to expect during this recovery journey and having a competent addictions counselor walking through it with you can help you navigate the challenges ahead with greater confidence and self-compassion, leading to stronger sobriety. The symptoms of pornography withdrawal are real, well-documented, and temporary. While the experience can feel overwhelming, especially in the first few weeks, recognizing these symptoms as part of your healing process is an important step toward lasting recovery and improved well being. Understanding Pornography Withdrawal Pornography withdrawal happens when someone who has developed a strong porn habit suddenly cuts back or stops using pornography altogether. This change sets off a complex series of neurobiological adjustments as the brain learns to function without the artificial dopamine rush that comes from watching porn. These brain changes are similar to those seen in other addictive behaviors, where compulsive use leads to dependence and then withdrawal symptoms. The intensity of these symptoms often relates directly to the severity of the addiction. When you regularly watch pornography, your brain chemistry—especially the dopamine pathways that govern pleasure, motivation, and reward—undergoes significant shifts. Over time, your brain gets used to these intense dopamine spikes, which can lead to tolerance. This means you might need more stimulating or novel content to feel the same satisfaction as before. This neuroadaptation plays a central role in what makes pornography addictive. Just like other addictive behaviors, repeated pornography use can trigger withdrawal symptoms resembling those experienced in substance addiction. Additionally, changes in libido, including a drop in sexual desire, are common after quitting as the brain recalibrates. The experience of withdrawal shares many features with other behavioral addictions such as gambling or compulsive gaming. However, unlike drug or substance addiction, porn withdrawal generally does not involve severe physical dangers, though it can produce significant psychological symptoms driven by dopamine dependence. While the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) does not currently recognize pornography addiction as a formal diagnosis, compulsive sexual behavior disorder (CSBD) is discussed within the context of behavioral addictions. This highlights the importance of recognizing and understanding these conditions for effective treatment. It’s important to note that not everyone who stops using pornography will face withdrawal symptoms. Those most likely to experience them are individuals who have engaged in compulsive sexual behavior, used pornography daily over long periods, or relied on porn as their main way to manage stress or sexual release. Early evidence suggests that pornography withdrawal shares traits with other behavioral and addictive disorders, underscoring the need for more research and clinical focus. Psychological Symptoms of Pornography Withdrawal The psychological symptoms of pornography withdrawal often emerge within 24-48 hours and represent some of the most challenging aspects of the recovery process. Physical symptoms, such as insomnia and muscle tension, may also accompany these psychological changes. Understanding these mental health changes can help you prepare for what lies ahead. Anxiety and Panic Attacks Many people experience withdrawal symptoms in the form of heightened anxiety and, in some cases, panic attacks. This anxiety often stems from the brain’s struggle to regulate emotions without its usual coping mechanism. The anxiety may feel particularly intense during times when you would normally watch porn, such as when alone and stressed. Depression and Emotional Numbness Depression frequently accompanies porn addiction withdrawal as the brain’s reward system recalibrates. You might experience persistent sadness, feelings of hopelessness, or a condition known as anhedonia – the inability to feel pleasure from activities you once enjoyed. This emotional flatness is temporary but can be particularly distressing during the early recovery period. For other people, withdrawal can actually alleviate symptoms of depression and feelings of numbness. Intense Cravings and Urges Perhaps the most significant or likely withdrawal symptom involves powerful cravings to return to pornography use. These urges can be triggered by stress, boredom, loneliness, or even seemingly unrelated stimuli that your brain has associated with porn consumption. The intensity of these cravings typically peaks in the first week but may continue in waves throughout the recovery journey. Brain Fog and Concentration Difficulties Many individuals report experiencing brain fog – a mental cloudiness that makes it difficult to think clearly, focus on tasks, or remember information. This cognitive impairment can affect work performance, academic achievement, and decision-making abilities. The brain fog typically improves as your neural pathways heal and adapt to natural stimulation levels. Mood Swings and Irritability Emotional volatility is common during pornography withdrawal. You might find yourself experiencing rapid mood swings, becoming easily frustrated, or having angry outbursts over minor triggers. These emotional fluctuations reflect your brain’s efforts to restore emotional equilibrium without artificial stimulation. These mood swings or the irritability may also be revealing the fact that your coping mechanism of choice is no longer available to you and so you will need to learn new ways of tolerating, expressing, and processing difficult emotions. Social Withdrawal and Relationship Challenges The recovery process often involves increased social anxiety and a tendency to withdraw from friends, family, and social situations. This isolation may stem from shame about past behaviors, fear of triggers in social settings, or simply the emotional exhaustion that accompanies withdrawal. Again, for other people the withdrawal may actually have the opposite effect of opening you back up to friendships or social networks you may have been drifting away from. Not everyone’s experience is the same! Physical Symptoms of Pornography Withdrawal While pornography addiction is primarily psychological, the physical symptoms during withdrawal can be surprisingly pronounced and uncomfortable. Sleep Disturbances and Insomnia Sleep problems represent one of the most common physical symptoms of porn withdrawal. Many people struggle to fall asleep, experience frequent night wakings, or have vivid dreams related to sexual content. These sleep disturbances occur because pornography often served as a sleep aid, and the brain must now learn alternative ways to wind down. There may also be latent sexual material in your mind and nervous system that will take a while to defuse, sometimes leading to nocturnal emissions (for men). Fatigue and Low Energy Persistent tiredness and low energy levels are frequently reported during the early stages of withdrawal. This fatigue results from the brain’s energy-intensive process of neuroplasticity – literally rewiring itself to function without pornography. The fatigue typically improves as the brain adapts to more sustainable energy patterns. Sexual Dysfunction and Changes in Sexual Desire Paradoxically, many people experience a temporary decrease in sexual desire or erectile dysfunction after quitting pornography. This “flatline” period occurs because the brain is readjusting its response to natural sexual stimuli after years of artificial overstimulation. While concerning, this temporary loss of sex drive typically resolves as the brain heals. Physical Discomfort and Tension Headaches, muscle aches, and general physical tension are common during withdrawal. Some individuals also report restlessness, difficulty sitting still, and an overall sense of physical discomfort. Less commonly, people may experience nausea, sweating, or mild tremors, particularly during the acute withdrawal phase. Changes in Appetite Both increased and decreased appetite can occur during pornography withdrawal. Some people find themselves eating more as they seek alternative sources of dopamine, while others lose interest in food entirely. Maintaining proper nutrition becomes especially important during this time to support brain health and recovery. Timeline of Withdrawal Symptoms Understanding the typical progression of withdrawal symptoms can help set realistic expectations for your recovery journey. When you quit pornography, it is common to

If you’re struggling with pornography addiction, you’re not alone in wondering how long the road to recovery might be. The journey to break free from compulsive pornography use is deeply personal, but understanding what to expect can provide hope and direction during what may feel like an overwhelming time. Recovery from porn addiction is absolutely possible with proper commitment, support, and professional guidance. While there’s no universal timeline that applies to everyone, research and clinical experience show that meaningful progress often begins within the first few months of treatment, with complete recovery typically unfolding over one to two years or more. In this comprehensive guide, we’ll explore the realistic timelines for porn addiction recovery, the stages you can expect to navigate, and the factors that influence how quickly you can heal. Most importantly, we’ll discuss how professional counseling can significantly accelerate your recovery process and provide the support you need to reclaim your life. https://youtu.be/eTEl270oQEE?si=ahbpJp9RvADNEZah Key Takeaways Understanding what lies ahead in your porn addiction recovery journey can help set realistic expectations and maintain hope during challenging moments. Here are the essential points to remember: Recovery from porn addiction is possible with proper commitment, support, and professional guidance from mental health professionals who specialize in sexual addiction The recovery timeline varies from 3-6 months for initial progress to 2+ years for complete recovery, depending on individual circumstances and addiction severity Sobriety is often achieved within the first month or two of counseling, though this represents just the beginning of the healing process Treatment involves multiple approaches including therapy, support groups, lifestyle changes, and addressing underlying mental health issues that may drive porn addiction Relapse is not uncommon and should be viewed as part of the recovery process, not failure – most relapses occur within the first year Building a strong support system and developing healthy coping mechanisms and attachments are crucial for long-term success in overcoming pornography addiction   Understanding Porn Addiction Recovery Porn addiction recovery involves breaking free from compulsive pornography consumption that has begun to negatively impact your mental health, relationships, and daily functioning. While pornography addiction isn’t yet formally recognized in the DSM-5, many mental health professionals treat it as a behavioral addiction similar to gambling or gaming disorders. How Pornography Affects Your Brain Understanding the neurobiological basis of porn addiction can help reduce shame and provide hope for healing. When you watch pornography, your brain releases dopamine in reward pathways similar to those activated by substance abuse. This creates a powerful reinforcement cycle that can lead to compulsive behavior over time. Repeated pornography consumption causes neurological adaptations, particularly desensitization, meaning you may require more frequent or intense stimulation to achieve the same level of excitement. What begins as pleasure-seeking behavior can evolve into compulsive porn use performed to avoid discomfort rather than gain enjoyment. Many former porn addicts report experiencing emotional numbing, difficulty finding pleasure in ordinary activities, and persistent, intrusive cravings. The good news is that these brain changes are not permanent – with proper treatment and time, your neural pathways can heal and return to healthier patterns. The Scope of the Problem You’re far from alone in this struggle. While precise statistics are challenging to obtain due to variations in self-reporting, available data suggest that a significant portion of adults struggle with problematic pornography use. Estimates range from 2% to 8% for clinical-level problematic use, but self-identified problematic use in surveys can reach up to 50% of adults reporting some level of difficulty controlling their porn use or experiencing negative consequences. The shame and stigma surrounding sexual addiction often prevent people from seeking help, which can worsen the addiction and delay recovery. Remember that seeking professional support is a sign of strength, not weakness. Recovery as a Gradual Process While periods of sobriety from watching porn may be achieved relatively quickly, lasting recovery requires sustained, multi-layered effort involving self-awareness, therapy, and changes in emotional and relational strategies. Many clients cycle through periods of abstinence and porn addiction relapse before achieving long-term recovery – this is completely normal and doesn’t indicate failure. Recovery involves much more than simply stopping porn use. It includes developing healthy coping mechanisms, addressing underlying mental health disorders, rebuilding damaged relationships, and creating a fulfilling life that doesn’t rely on addictive behaviors for emotional regulation. Timelines We Typically See In Our Counseling Agency Based on extensive clinical experience with porn addiction counseling, recovery timelines vary significantly depending on the severity of the addiction and individual circumstances. Here’s what we typically observe: Addiction Severity Treatment Duration Typical Outcomes Mild Addiction 8-12 weekly sessions Significant progress in 2-3 months Moderate Addiction 3-6 months weekly sessions Substantial change and improved control Serious Addiction 6-12 months weekly sessions Major life improvements and stable recovery Very Serious/Sex Addiction 2+ years ongoing support Long-term recovery with maintenance Mild Addiction Recovery Clients with less entrenched patterns of compulsive porn use often achieve significant progress in 8 to 12 weekly counseling sessions, roughly 2-3 months. These cases typically involve decreased but not completely eliminated control over pornography consumption, with fewer structural life consequences. People in this category may have recognized their problem early and sought help before the addiction severely impacted their relationships or daily functioning. They often respond well to cognitive behavioral therapy and basic coping strategies. Moderate Addiction Recovery The majority of clients seeking porn addiction recovery fall into the moderate category, where 3 to 6 months of weekly counseling is recommended for substantial change. This period allows for rewiring ingrained habits, developing effective coping strategies, and exploring triggers and emotional roots of the addictive behavior. During this timeframe, clients work on addressing underlying mental health issues that may contribute to their porn use, such as anxiety, depression, or trauma. They also begin rebuilding trust in relationships and developing healthier patterns of intimacy and sexual expression. Serious Addiction Recovery For those experiencing severe consequences from their pornography use and/or compulsive behavior with intrusive thoughts about pornographic material, 6 to 12 months of regular counseling is typical. The recovery process includes managing withdrawal symptoms, emotional volatility, addressing comorbid mental health disorders, and often couples or family therapy to repair relationship damage. Clients in this category may have escalated to more extreme porn content, experienced significant relationship breakdowns, or developed other mental health symptoms alongside porn addiction. Recovery often requires intensive therapeutic work and may include group therapy or specialized treatment programs. Very Serious Addiction Recovery In the most severe cases – such as when porn addiction behaviors overlap with other compulsive sexual activities or have continued for many years – 2+ years of counseling is often needed. Recovery becomes a long-term process similar in scope to recovery from substance use disorders. These cases often involve complex trauma histories, multiple addictive behaviors, or severe relationship and life consequences. Recovery requires comprehensive treatment addressing not just the pornography use but the underlying emotional wounds and life circumstances that fostered its development. Individual Variation in Recovery It’s crucial to understand that recovery timelines are highly individualized. Your motivation, life context, access to support, willingness to engage with difficult emotional work, and presence of other mental health disorders all impact the pace and completeness of your recovery from porn addiction. Some people may achieve stable recovery more quickly than these averages, while others may need additional time and support. The key is persistence and working with qualified mental health professionals who can tailor treatment to your specific needs and circumstances. Initial Recovery Stages (0-8 months) The early stages of porn addiction recovery are often the most challenging but also the most crucial for establishing a foundation for long-term healing. Understanding what to expect can help you navigate these difficult months with greater confidence and hope. Crisis/Decision Stage (0-3 months) This period typically begins with recognition of crisis, whether due to personal distress or a catalyzing external event such as relationship breakdown, job repercussions, or health consequences. During this stage, you make the crucial commitment to change and begin taking concrete steps to address your pornography addiction. The crisis/decision stage is marked by high motivation but also intense vulnerability. You may experience acute cravings, anxiety, and preoccupation with pornographic material. This is when you need the highest level of therapeutic and social support to maintain your commitment to recovery. Common interventions during this stage include: Seeking professional counseling specialized in sexual addiction Installing digital restriction t

What if I told you that the people who seem the most controlling are often the ones who feel the most out of control on the inside? This paradox is a profound truth frequently encountered in couple’s counseling. That constant need your spouse might have to check who you’re texting, manage your schedule, or question your spending—it’s almost never really about you. Instead, it’s a coping mechanism, a flawed attempt to manage a storm of anxiety, deep-seated fears, or even past trauma raging inside them. Understanding this distinction is crucial because the behaviors we label as controlling can be complex, and the defining line between a frustrating dynamic and abusive control often comes down to the presence of fear and power. Ask yourself: Does your spouse’s controlling behavior seem to stem from their own internal anxiety or fear? Or does it feel like a deliberate tactic to isolate you and maintain power over you? The core difference lies in your emotional experience—are you feeling frustrated, or are you genuinely afraid of your partner’s reaction? If fear, intimidation, or isolation are present, you may be facing coercive control, a serious form of domestic violence. In such cases, your safety is absolutely paramount, and connecting with resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline is essential. If you are in danger, it is absolutely necessary to prioritize your safety and seek help immediately. However, if you feel fundamentally safe yet struggle with frustration due to your partner’s need to control, then this article is here to support you in navigating that challenge. https://youtu.be/Ip3HCn9SGP0?si=6D6UwPFC16UrfvHJ Part 1: Introduction – The Frustration is Real When your spouse exhibits controlling behavior, it can feel overwhelming and deeply frustrating. You might find yourself constantly questioned about where you are, who you’re with, or how you spend your time. Perhaps your partner micromanages the family finances down to the last dollar or insists on approving every plan you make with your friends. Sometimes, what initially seem like “helpful suggestions” turn into directives about how you should dress, what you should eat, or even how to parent your children. It’s important to remember that a controlling person can take many forms—some may be overtly domineering, while others may use subtle or manipulative tactics. Not all controlling people act the same way. Such controlling behavior can leave you feeling not trusted, infantilized, and filled with resentment. Many individuals have felt isolated, anxious, or powerless in response to a controlling person’s actions. These feelings are real and significant. At the same time, reframing controlling behavior as an attempt by the controlling spouse to manage internal chaos or emotional pain can help you discern how to navigate this problem in your relationship. Recognizing this can help you develop empathy for your partner, even when their behavior feels counterproductive. In this article, we will explore the root causes behind controlling behavior, develop compassion for the spouse who struggles with it, and provide practical tools for the other spouse to respond with strength, understanding, and love. This approach aims to foster a healthier connection within your marriage or relationship. Part 2: The “Why” Behind the “What” – Unpacking the Roots To effectively address controlling behavior, it’s essential to understand what lies beneath it. Typically, it’s not about a desire to dominate but rather a flawed strategy to cope with deep fears and anxieties. Many controlling behaviors are learned from parents or family dynamics, especially when parents themselves were authoritative or maintained strict control within the household. As humans, there is a natural tendency to seek control or security in relationships, which can sometimes lead to unhealthy patterns. Several factors often contribute to a controlling spouse’s behavior, including past traumas or betrayals that happened earlier in life and continue to influence current actions and emotional responses. 1. Anxiety & Fear For many controlling people, control is a way to manage an unpredictable and chaotic internal world. When anxiety is high, predictability feels like safety. A controlling spouse may expect certain behaviors or outcomes from their partner, and when these expectations are unmet, their anxiety can increase, leading to more controlling behaviors. This need to control can manifest as constant criticism, questioning, or even the silent treatment when things don’t go as expected. 2. Unresolved Trauma or Past Betrayal Past traumas or betrayals, whether in the current relationship or earlier in life, can leave a person’s nervous system constantly on alert. For example, a husband whose father was unfaithful might compulsively check his wife’s phone—not out of distrust toward her personally, but out of fear of being blindsided again. This behavior can deeply affect the wife, making her feel distrusted, controlled, and emotionally hurt, undermining her sense of autonomy and respect within the marriage. This trauma-driven controlling behavior is a misguided attempt to protect oneself from future pain. 3. Perfectionism Perfectionism often acts as a defense mechanism against shame or failure. The belief is that if every detail is controlled—from how the house is kept clean to how the family spends money or how a partner manages their tasks—disaster and judgment can be avoided. This can lead to expectations that become unfair within the marriage and family, causing tension and conflict. 4. Low Self-Esteem & Relational Insecurity A core wound such as “I’m not good enough” or “I’m unlovable” can drive controlling behavior. The controlling spouse may fear abandonment and try to keep their partner close by controlling their actions. Ironically, this behavior often pushes the partner away, creating a cycle of insecurity and control. This dynamic can affect the entire family, including children, who may sense the tension and feel unsafe. Wives, in particular, may be especially impacted by controlling dynamics within a marriage, sometimes experiencing challenges related to dependency and loss of identity. Understanding these factors helps clarify that controlling behavior is often less about a desire to dominate and more about a person’s internal struggle with fear, insecurity, and past wounds. Part 3: What to Do – Actionable Steps for Connection If you find yourself on the receiving end of controlling behavior, there are healthy ways to respond that foster connection and reduce conflict. Take time to talk openly with your spouse about how certain actions make you feel, and encourage honest dialogue about control issues. These steps emphasize communication, respect, and boundaries. Suppose you notice a pattern where your partner makes decisions without your input—this could be a sign of control, but it might also be a misunderstanding. In such situations, it’s important to make your point clear when discussing boundaries and needs, so both partners understand each other’s perspectives. Sometimes, a single moment of honest conversation can lead to a shift in understanding and help both of you move toward a more balanced, interdependent relationship. Interdependence in a relationship allows both spouses to meet each other’s needs without feeling controlled, fostering mutual respect and autonomy. Step 1: Get Curious, Not Furious Instead of reacting with anger or defensiveness, try shifting your response to one of curiosity. Ask open, gentle questions that invite your spouse to share their feelings and fears. For example: “I notice you seem worried when I spend money on my own. Can you tell me what fear comes up for you around our finances?” “Help me understand how you feel when I’m out late with my friends.” This approach encourages open conversation and helps you hear the underlying emotions driving their controlling behavior. Step 2: Practice Differentiation Differentiation is the art of staying connected to your partner while maintaining your own sense of self. It means empathizing with their anxiety without taking responsibility for fixing it. You might say: “I hear that you’re scared, and that’s okay. Your fear is yours, and my need for autonomy is mine. Both can exist.” By setting this emotional line, you protect your well-being while honoring your partner’s feelings. Achieving this balance and interdependence can bring a sense of emotional rest and relief to both partners, allowing each person to feel safe and respected. This balance is key to creating respect and safety in the relationship. Step 3: Set Loving Boundaries Boundaries are essential for protecting your peace and are different from ultimatums or punishments. Setting clear, loving boundaries communicates your needs while respecting your partner. Even when married, it is important to maintain personal boundaries and autonomy, as boundaries in marriage should not mean giving up your independence. Examples include: “I love you, and I also need to make plans with my friends without needing to run it by you first. I’ll make sure our shared calendar is updated.” “I’m happy to discuss our shared budget, but I need autonomy over my personal spending allowance without justifying every purchase.” Creating these boundaries helps both partners understand expectations and reduces the feeling of being controlled or micromanaged. Part 4: Conclusion & The Path Forward Moving forward in a relationship with a controlling spouse requires compassion for the underlying reasons behind controlling behaviors and the courage to take action with loving boundaries and differentiation. Successful couples often engage in respectful negotiations rather than demands or sacrifices, creating a foundation of mutual understanding and shared decision-making. If you recognize these patterns in your marriage or partnership, the next step is seeking guidance.

Disclosing an affair is one of the most critical and challenging conversations a husband can have with his wife. When mishandled, this revelation will certainly extend the healing process and possibly could mean the end of the marriage. However, for those who genuinely want to save their relationship and show as much care to their betrayed partner as possible, there are ways to approach this conversation with clarity, care, and respect. Understanding what to tell your wife about your affair—and how to say it—can make all the difference in whether your marriage survives this painful breach of trust. Infidelity affects about 20-25% of marriages, highlighting how common yet devastating this issue can be. https://youtu.be/nPlogRdjb18?si=YoPnDPSijA9Bcvac The fear of causing pain and facing the consequences of infidelity is very real and understandable. Yet, how the conversation starts is crucial; it should not be about damage control (i.e., mere self-preservation) or minimization. Instead, it must be rooted in honesty, integrity, and a commitment to building a foundation for possible healing. If your goal is to save your marriage, knowing how to communicate the truth about your affair is the first vital step. TLDR; being honest and transparent from the beginning is essential for rebuilding trust and demonstrating genuine remorse. Healing From An Affair Begins With Thoughtful Disclosure The healing process after an affair is never simple, but it is possible with the right approach and mindset. The reality is that both partners will experience a wide range of emotions, from anger and grief to confusion and hope. Recently found research shows that couples who approach this journey with empathy and a willingness to work through difficult issues are more likely to rebuild trust and potentially create a stronger relationship than before. Rebuilding trust takes time (more than you think!) after infidelity, requiring patience and consistent effort from both partners. It’s important to keep your heart open and acknowledge the pain that has been caused, both to yourself and your spouse. Seeking out a counselor who understand betrayal trauma can provide the guidance and structure needed to address the complex issues that arise after infidelity. In some cases, the support of a parent or other close family member can also offer comfort and perspective. Many people struggle with the decision of whether to involve friends and family in the recovery process after infidelity, as it can be both a source of support and a potential complication. Remember: there is no single “right” way to heal. Every couple’s circumstances are unique, and what works for one may not work for another. The key is to remain open, communicate honestly, and be willing to put in the work required to move forward. Healing takes time, but with empathy, the right support, and a commitment to facing reality together, it is possible to start rebuilding your relationship from a new, solid foundation. Preparing for the Infidelity Disclosure Preparing to tell your wife about your affair requires careful thought and planning. The right environment can make a significant difference—choose a time and place where you both feel comfortable and free from distractions, so you are able to be fully present with the fallout. Before the conversation, take time to write down your thoughts and disclosures. This can help you clarify what you want to say and ensure you don’t fall back on lies or excuses when emotions run high. It’s also wise to consider seeking the guidance of a counselor for betraying partners before you start this difficult conversation. A professional can help you prepare, offer advice on how to approach this discussion, and provide support as you work through the aftermath together. Being prepared means not only knowing what you want to disclose, but also being ready to listen to your spouse’s feelings and concerns with empathy and validation. Remember, the goal is not to justify your actions or shift blame, but to take responsibility and start the process of healing. By approaching the conversation with a commitment to honesty, openness, and a willingness to work through the issues, you lay the groundwork for rebuilding trust and moving forward together. The Temptation to Hide Affair Facts, Minimize, or Dishonesty One of the most common and damaging pitfalls when confessing an affair is the temptation to hide facts or minimize the situation. This often leads to “trickle-truthing,” or what we call “staggered disclosure”, where information is revealed in pieces over time rather than all at once. While it might seem kinder or safer to disclose details slowly, this approach always causes more harm than good. Each new revelation acts like a fresh emotional betrayal for the betrayed spouse. A wife who experienced this shared her pain: “He has trickle-truthed me endlessly, every iteration of the truth being the ‘final truth’… It sets us back further every time, shatters his credibility even more, and re-traumatizes me.” Staggered disclosures are experienced as re-betrayals. Each new piece of information is another shattering moment for the betrayed spouse. Hiding the truth in this way does not protect the relationship from harm; in fact, it often deepens the wounds. The fear of revealing everything often stems from a deep sense of shame. However, the only way to combat shame is through complete vulnerability, which requires surrendering control over the outcome. Once your wife suspects that you are holding back information, she will always wonder what else you might be hiding. This suspicion makes healing and forgiveness far more difficult. Another betrayed spouse described the destructive impact of staggered disclosure: “First, it was just ‘sexting.’ Then I found out they met for coffee. Months later, I learned it was a full-blown physical affair. Each lie felt like D-Day all over again… The constant lying was more painful than the cheating.” The initial pain caused by infidelity is compounded exponentially when facts are withheld. Therefore, a thoughtfully handled, honest, and complete disclosure is the only path forward if you want to minimize the trauma caused to your wife. Don’t Blame or Justify When you confess your affair to your wife, it is essential to avoid blaming her or justifying your actions in any way. While it is true that many affairs happen in marriages that are distressed, emotionally disconnected, or sexless, this is not the time to bring up those issues. Doing so will only add fuel to the fire and deepen her hurt. Trying to convince your wife that your actions were justified will only make her feel more betrayed and intensify her pain. There will be time later—perhaps in couples therapy or through professional help—to explore the many factors that contributed to the breakdown of your relationship. But during the initial conversation, your sole focus should be on taking full ownership of your choice. No matter how difficult your marriage was, you made a deliberate choice to betray your wife and break your marriage vows. That is the best stance to take at this point in your recovery. Avoid using pity or self-loathing as a shield either. Expressing overwhelming guilt or focusing on your own pain can subconsciously shift attention away from your wife’s grief. While that may seem productive, it only delays her healing: her hurt, anger, and devastation must have space in this conversation. What Truth To Disclose About The Affair Building a new foundation of honesty requires that your disclosure be factual, thorough, and free of minimization. The goal is to share all the relevant facts—not to provide a graphic or sensationalized account. Here is what we generally recommend you should tell your wife about your affair: Who the affair partner was, including how you knew her (the other woman). Revealing this information is crucial to avoid creating suspicion towards other individuals in your life. When the affair occurred, including start and end dates. Where and when the affair meetups took place. The nature of the affair—whether it was emotional, physical, or both. How you concealed the affair, owning up to all lies and secrecy. How the affair ended, or if it has not. Offer access to your emails and other digital communications to demonstrate transparency. When answering questions, be prepared to respond honestly to anything your wife asked, no matter how difficult (see What Not to Disclose, below). Your wife may ask you to explain the reasons behind the affair, as she tries to understand why it happened. Be cautious here: most husbands do not know how to provide an explanation without blaming their wife, which is certain to backfire. Inevitably, our experience is that betraying husbands have unrecognized, unmet emotional needs and longings that subconsciously are projected onto the affair partner. But to really articulate those reasons in a thoughtful, non-blaming, responsibility-taking way often takes some good therapy work. You might consider telling your spouse, “I am not sure why. But I will figure it out so that I can become a safe partner for you.” When Truth About Your Mistake Is Confessed Well One wife described a disclosure that made recovery possible: “He sat me down and told me the truth—the whole truth—in one go. He didn’t wait for me to find evidence… It was brutal, but it was honest. There were no more secrets waiting around the corner to ambush me. That complete transparency… was the one thing that allowed me to even consider trusting him again.” In her case, she discovered the affair after noticing unusual behavior and finding messages, which made the honesty in his confession even more important. When you disclose, choose your words carefully. The right word or words can make a difference in how your remorse and sincerity are received. Complete honesty is the only way to dismantle the system of deception that infidelity creat

Cultural scripts and traditional myths often oversimplify male desire, shrinking it into a single, physical dimension. But the reality is far more complex and beautiful. What if your understanding of male desire is only part of the picture? Consider these real-life scenarios: A paramedic is drawn to a nurse, not because of her looks, but her strength and compassion under pressure. A husband of 15 years finds his deepest arousal in the shared history and profound trust with his wife, not her physical appearance. A husband on Reddit describes the best sex of his marriage beginning with a simple, vulnerable conversation, leading to deep connection. These aren’t exceptions; they highlight a more nuanced truth about male desire that often goes unacknowledged. Let’s explore these common myths and uncover the real story. Myth #1: For Men, Sex is Purely Physical, Not Emotional This is a tired cliché: “men want sex for connection, and women want connection for sex.” While there’s a grain of truth in it, this idea is far too reductionistic and misses the profound emotional layers of male desire. Scientific research consistently debunks this oversimplification. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that emotional intimacy was a significant predictor of sexual satisfaction for both men and women. Men often seek connection, validation, and a sense of being desired through sexual activity. In fact, the experience of feeling emotionally close to a partner can be a powerful aphrodisiac for men. Another key finding from a daily diary study in the same journal revealed that for both men and women in long-term relationships, higher levels of intimacy were associated with higher levels of sexual desire. This directly challenges the notion that male desire operates independently of emotional connection. Feeling emotionally close to a partner can be a significant catalyst for sexual desire in men. Consider this perspective from a Reddit thread: “The other night, we weren’t even planning on it. We were just talking on the couch for an hour, really connecting about our fears and future, and I felt so incredibly close to her. That feeling of being completely seen and accepted by her… that was the arousal. The sex that followed was on a completely different level. It wasn’t just bodies rubbing together; it felt like an affirmation of everything we were talking about. Without that connection, it’s just mechanics.” This powerful anecdote underscores that men want to feel emotionally safe and connected. As Dr. Barry McCarthy, a professor of psychology and certified sex therapist, emphasizes, good sex for men doesn’t happen in a relational vacuum. Unresolved conflicts, constant criticism, or emotional distance are significant barriers to male arousal. Attending to emotional needs can profoundly improve the quality of sexual experiences for men. Myth #2: Men Always Initiate Sex The traditional myth paints men as the perpetual initiators and women as the “gatekeepers” of sex. This cultural script, often perpetuated in media, suggests a one-sided dynamic where men are always pursuing, and women are always holding back. However, these roles are actively changing, and research indicates that increased satisfaction for both partners is linked to more mutual and flexible initiation. This dynamic moves beyond rigid cultural scripts towards a relationship where desire can flow back and forth freely. It’s important to distinguish between “desire” and “willingness to be aroused.” A partner might not always feel spontaneous desire, but their willingness to be receptive and engage can be a profound expression of love and commitment, fostering deeper connection. This willingness should flow both ways, not just from women. Here’s another powerful story that illustrates this shift: “Honestly, when my wife comes up behind me and kisses my neck and tells me she wants me, it’s the biggest turn-on in the world. For her to take the lead makes me feel seen and wanted in a way that just doesn’t happen when I’m always the one asking.” This highlights a crucial point: men, like women, desire to be desired. A study in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality specifically found that both men and women desire to be desired, and mutual initiation is linked to higher relationship and sexual satisfaction. When a partner takes the lead, it signals desire and engagement, which can be incredibly arousing for men. Moving away from these restrictive cultural ruts allows couples to experience a more vibrant and mutually fulfilling sexual life, built on shared desire and flexible responsiveness. Myth #3: Men’s Sexual Desire is Driven Solely by Physical Appearance While physical attraction certainly plays a role in initial interest, it is rarely the sole, or even primary, factor in long-term desire for men. This is a delicate topic, as we absolutely advocate for physical health and wellness as a gift to ourselves, our spouses, and our families. But the question remains: do you need a “perfect” body for your partner to desire you? Psychological research emphasizes that a variety of factors contribute to male attraction and desire in established relationships. These include a partner’s intelligence, humor, kindness, and confidence. Emotional connection, shared experiences, and a partner’s expression of desire become increasingly important over time. The idea that men are perpetually “trading up” based purely on looks is simply not supported by the science of long-term attachment and bonding. Let’s revisit the paramedic story: “I’m a paramedic, and I started dating a woman who is an emergency room nurse. The first thing that made me truly ‘desire’ her had nothing to do with her looks, even though she’s lovely. It was seeing her in her element at work. She was so competent, compassionate, and in control under immense pressure. Seeing her care for people with such strength and grace was an unbelievable turn-on. It was pure admiration. That respect and awe for who she is as a person is at the core of my attraction. It’s a kind of desire that doesn’t fade when we’re tired or stressed or haven’t been to the gym. It’s an attraction to her character, and it’s rock solid.” This clearly demonstrates that attraction extends far beyond physical traits. It’s about character, competence, and a deeper appreciation for who a person is. Similarly, consider this reflection from a husband after 15 years of marriage: “After 15 years of marriage, do I still think my wife is physically hot? Yes. But is that what gets me going? Not really. What’s truly arousing is our shared history. It’s the inside jokes, the way she can finish my sentences, the feeling of complete trust. It’s watching her be an incredible mother to our kids. Sex becomes a reflection of that entire partnership. The idea that I would trade all that for a younger, ‘hotter’ body is insane. You don’t build a life with a body; you build it with a person. The desire is for the person.” These stories highlight that for many men in committed, long-term relationships, desire is built on a foundation of shared life, emotional intimacy, and admiration for their partner’s qualities and actions. The body isn’t irrelevant, but it’s part of a larger, more intricate tapestry of connection and appreciation. The “dad bod” story later in the post further exemplifies this, where a wife finds her husband’s engagement with their children and his loving fatherhood to be incredibly attractive, seeing his body as beautiful within that context. Myth #4: Men Are More Visual Than Women When It Comes to Sexual Arousal This myth, closely related to the previous one, asserts that men are primarily visual when it comes to sexual arousal, while women are not. This is another pervasive cultural script that is undergoing a significant shift. While historically men may have been given more “permission” for visual arousal, and this is still often portrayed as an all-or-nothing difference, the reality is far more nuanced: Shifting Cultural Norms: We’re seeing more male grooming and “manscaping,” indicating an increased emphasis on male physical presentation. Rising Female Visual Consumption: The consumption of pornography by women has risen significantly over the last two decades (up to 300-400% in some estimates), signaling that women are increasingly giving themselves permission to be visually aroused. Women’s Visual Arousal: Research, including studies using fMRI brain scans, confirms that women are also clearly aroused by visual sexual stimuli. While men, on average, may show a stronger physiological and self-reported response to a wide range of visual stimuli, the differences are a matter of degree, not an absolute. Context Matters for Women: Interestingly, research notes that the content and context of visuals matter for women, with some evidence suggesting they may be more responsive to stimuli that include relational and emotional cues. This means it’s not just about what they see, but the meaning and connection embedded within the visual. Ultimately, this myth is being challenged by a growing understanding that both genders can be visually aroused, and that the expression of this arousal is influenced by cultural permission and personal experiences. It’s not about one gender being “more visual” than the other, but recognizing the complexity of human sexuality where visual cues interact with emotional connection and relational dynamics for both men and women. This discussion also brings up another important point: the pressure society places on women’s physical appearance. It’s crucial for men to challenge their own biases and for women to feel empowered to ask for what they desire from their partners, including efforts in self-presentation that are not solely about meeting external beauty standards. Beyond the Myths: Building Healthier, More Satisfying Relationships The stories and research we’ve shared today collectively highlight a pro

For centuries, female sexuality has been misunderstood, wrapped in myths that have been presented as truth. From assumptions that a woman’s sex drive diminishes after kids or is inherently lower than a man’s, to beliefs about what visually stimulates women, or that a “perfect body” is essential for great sex, these ideas often create unnecessary challenges in relationships. As licensed counselors, we’re here to take a deep dive into these common myths, looking at the latest research to help clarify and empower your understanding of female sexuality and relationship quality. #1: The Myth of the Expired Libido (Post-Baby & Menopause) A widespread belief suggests that after women have children, or once they reach menopause, their interest in sex simply disappears. However, research paints a much more nuanced picture, revealing a temporary state of adaptation rather than a permanent loss of desire. Postpartum: A Time of Adaptation Physical Reality: The period after childbirth involves significant physical healing, which can include pain (dyspareunia) and dramatic hormonal shifts. Lower estrogen levels can lead to dryness, while elevated prolactin (due to lactation) can suppress libido. These are real, physical barriers that impact sexual activity. Psychological Reality: Beyond the physical, new mothers often experience overwhelming fatigue, a profound identity shift to “mother,” concerns about their body image, and the immense stress of caring for a newborn. These psychological factors are powerful contributors to a temporary dip in libido. The Timeline: It’s crucial to understand that sexual satisfaction typically doesn’t return to pre-pregnancy levels overnight. Research indicates it’s a gradual recovery, often taking 12 to 18 months or even longer. This period is a phase, not a permanent end to sexual desire. It’s an investment in bringing a new life into the world, requiring couples to adjust their expectations. For men, being prepared for this extended timeline can prevent misunderstandings and a sense of disappointment that can lead to relational distance. Menopause as a Transition, Not an End The narrative around menopause and female sexuality is often oversimplified, suggesting an inevitable decline. In reality, it’s a complex transition, not an abrupt halt. Challenges: As women age, hormonal shifts, particularly lower estrogen levels, can lead to vaginal atrophy and reduced sensitivity, impacting the frequency of sex. General health considerations can also play a role. Sexual Satisfaction Beyond Frequency: A crucial insight from research is that sexual satisfaction in a relationship is not dictated by the frequency of sex. In fact, relationship satisfaction itself is the single strongest predictor of a person’s sexual satisfaction at any stage of life. This means that a healthy, emotionally connected relationship is far more important than a numerical “score” of sexual encounters. Key Predictors of Sexual Satisfaction: Emotional intimacy, deep emotional connection, effective communication, and a woman’s subjective perception of her own body are all strongly linked to sexual satisfaction. Reframe the Narrative: Many women remain sexually active well into and after menopause. Some even report enjoying sex more without the fear of pregnancy. Solutions exist to manage physical changes, such as lubricants, moisturizers, localized estrogen treatments, and adapting sexual activities to new comfort levels. If sexual satisfaction is a concern, focusing on the quality of the overall relationship and seeking medical advice when needed is paramount. #2: The Myth of the “Lower” Female Sex Drive The stereotype that a woman’s sex drive is inherently lower than a man’s is deeply ingrained in our culture. However, current data reveals that this isn’t a simple “lesser than” issue; it’s about two different operating systems and a wide range of individual experiences. Averages vs. Individuals While, on average, men may report more frequent sexual thoughts in studies, the overlap between genders is significant. Counter to popular belief, approximately one-third of women actually have a higher sex drive than the average man. This highlights that individual variation is immense, and blanket statements about gender differences in libido are often misleading. Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire This is a core concept for understanding female sexuality: Spontaneous Desire: This is the classic “out of the blue” desire, often associated more with men. It’s the feeling, without any external stimulation, of wanting sex. Responsive Desire: For many women, desire awakens in response to arousal and intimacy. This means that the desire for sex grows as physical or emotional connection begins. This is not a “low” sex drive, but simply a different, and very common, pathway to arousal. Understanding this difference can help partners appreciate and navigate desire more effectively, realizing that “romancing” a woman is often a prerequisite for her desire to ignite. The Power of Context Female desire is often more “plastic” and sensitive to relational factors. Emotional intimacy, trust, open communication, and low stress are often prerequisites for a woman to desire sex. When these foundational elements are strong, a woman is more likely to experience desire. Therefore, fostering a healthy, connected relationship becomes an investment in a couple’s long-term sexual satisfaction. Desire Discrepancy is Normal Mismatched libidos are a standard feature of long-term relationships. It’s not a female failing; men are just as likely to be the lower-desire partner. Blaming one partner for a perceived lack of interest misses the point. Instead, couples should focus on communication and mutual understanding, recognizing that different desires are normal and can be navigated through open conversation and a focus on relationship quality. Key Takeaway: It’s not about the quantity or level of sex drive (higher vs. lower), but the quality of the relationship and the nature of desire (spontaneous vs. responsive) that truly matters for sexual satisfaction. #3: The Myth of the Unseeing Woman (Visual Arousal) The old adage “men are visual, women are not” has been largely debunked by modern neuroscience. Our brains don’t lie; fMRI studies show no significant gender difference in the brain’s fundamental neurobiological response to erotic images. The arousal machinery in the brain is similar for both males and females. Content is King (and Queen) The key difference isn’t if women are visually aroused, but what they find arousing. Women respond more strongly to visuals that include context, romance, plot, and emotional connection. This broader definition of “erotic visual” for women includes: Seeing a partner act with confidence. Being in a beautiful or romantic setting. Observing a partner who is well-dressed or engaged in a meaningful activity. For example, a woman might find her partner incredibly attractive when he is focused and competent, even if engaged in a mundane task like fixing a leaky pipe. This is not about a posed, static “sexy” image, but rather the unconscious power and focus of a partner demonstrating traits that foster emotional connection and admiration. The Mind-Body Disconnect While a woman’s body can show physical signs of arousal, her brain can “veto” it if the visual content triggers negative feelings like shame, disgust, or anxiety. This cognitive appraisal means that even if the physical arousal response is present, negative associations can prevent it from leading to a desire for sex. This underscores the importance of a holistic approach to sexual intimacy that considers both physical and psychological factors, ensuring the visual experience is tied to positive emotional context within the relationship. Key Takeaway: Women are absolutely visually stimulated; the myth is based on an overly narrow definition of what constitutes an “erotic visual.” Understanding what truly ignites visual desire for women can transform sexual connection. #4: The Myth of the “Perfect” Body Finally, the pervasive idea that “better bodies have better sex” is arguably the most damaging myth of all. Research clearly indicates that sexual satisfaction is not linked to objective measures of attractiveness. Perception, Not Perfection Sexual satisfaction is not tied to objective measures like BMI or weight. Instead, it is strongly linked to your subjective body image—how you feel about your body. If a woman feels good about her body, regardless of its objective appearance, she is more likely to experience better sexual satisfaction. The “Spectator” Effect A negative body image can force an individual to become a self-critical observer of their own body during sex. This “spectator effect” acts as a cognitive distraction, pulling focus away from pleasure and connection with a partner and instead directing it inwards, killing arousal and pleasure. This internal self-critique can be incredibly detrimental to sexual experience. What Really Predicts Good Sex Studies analyzing dozens of factors consistently find that the top predictors of sexual satisfaction are psychological and relational, not physical attributes: Overall relationship satisfaction: The health and stability of the relationship are paramount. Emotional intimacy and romantic love: Deep connection and affection are strong foundations for good sex. Believing your partner is satisfied: A partner’s perceived satisfaction significantly contributes to one’s own sexual fulfillment. Good sexual communication: Open, honest, and vulnerable communication about desires, needs, and insecurities fosters a deeper and more satisfying sexual life. For women, a significant antidote to body shame is vulnerability. Sharing insecurities with a partner can reduce shame without requiring any physical changes, leading to increased confidence and a more satisfying sexual experience. Attractiveness as a “Gatekeeper” While physical a

If you’ve ever found yourself caught in a frustrating cycle of trying to quit pornography—which can take many forms, including images, videos, and artwork—only to relapse days or weeks later, you’re not alone. Many people experience this pattern, often feeling like it’s a lack of willpower. In fact, many individuals are actually addicted and recognizing it as such is crucial for effective porn addiction recovery and relapse prevention. This cycle is often accompanied by emotional and behavioral struggles that make breaking free even more difficult. Triggers, such as certain emotional states or environmental cues, can also play a significant role in ongoing relapse. But what if your struggle isn’t about willpower at all? What if it’s about a brain that’s been rewired to crave the very things you’re trying to escape? Overcoming Addiction Is Hard As specialized counselors specializing in porn addiction and relationship counseling, we understand the profound challenges people face. Overcoming porn addiction can be incredibly challenging, requiring persistence, support, and effective strategies. Our goal is to offer empathetic, research-based wisdom to help you navigate these complex issues. Numerous studies have explored the psychological and biological factors that contribute to porn addiction and inform effective recovery approaches. Today, we’re unpacking the science behind this addiction, the insidious role of shame, and the deeper emotional needs that often drive this behavior. We believe everyone can heal from addiction. https://youtu.be/SAwiLbKT5p8?si=y_ogNHvJ1EzOcfRU Introduction: What Is Porn Addiction? Pornography addiction, often referred to as problematic porn use, is a condition where a person finds themselves repeatedly struggling with the urge to watch porn, even when it leads to negative consequences in their life. This struggle can impact every area—damaging relationships with a partner or family, lowering self esteem, and increasing feelings of anxiety and depression. For many, the urge to consume porn becomes difficult to control, creating a cycle that feels impossible to break. The negative consequences of porn addiction can be far-reaching, affecting not only the individual but also their loved ones. It can lead to secrecy, isolation, and a sense of being trapped by the habit. Fortunately, there is hope. With the right combination of professional help, support from community or loved ones, and healthy coping strategies, it is possible to recover and break free from the hold of porn addiction. Whether you are seeking advice for yourself or someone you care about, remember that overcoming this challenge is possible, and reaching out for help is an important first step toward sobriety from porn addiction. The Brain’s Role in Porn Use: Why We Keep Relapsing Let’s start in the brain and try to understand why a person’s porn habit is so hard to kick, and what makes pornography addictive. “What Were You Thinking?”: The Neural Disconnect A common question we hear, both from individuals and their partners, is “What were you thinking?” in moments of disclosing that they used porn again. The surprising truth is, often, they weren’t thinking consciously about what matters. In the grip of compulsive behaviors, the part of your brain that desires the porn becomes profoundly disconnected from the part that sees and weighs the consequences. This means that while you might fully commit to stopping when you’re calm, in the moment of craving, your rational brain is essentially offline, leading to compulsive pornography use. The Mesolimbic Dopamine Pathway: The “Wanting” Circuit At the core of this disconnect lies the mesolimbic dopamine pathway, often called the brain’s “wanting” system. Located in the primitive midbrain and extending to the forebrain, this pathway is responsible for the intense “hit” or “high” associated with addictive behaviors. When you consume pornography—whether videos, images, or stories—dopamine is released in the nucleus accumbens, creating a powerful reward signal for this compulsive sexual behavior. Over time, your brain becomes less responsive to this dopamine hit, requiring more frequent, longer, or more intense exposure to porn to achieve the same effect. This is why usage often escalates and, crucially, your brain also becomes less responsive to natural, healthy rewards. Amygdala, Hippocampus, and Euphoric Recall This primitive brain activity doesn’t stop there. The amygdala, our brain’s emotional center, becomes connected to this pathway, linking stress and negative emotions with the dopamine release. Pornography consumption effectively “medicates” these difficult feelings by flooding the brain with “happy chemicals.” Furthermore, the hippocampus, where memories are stored, plays a key role through what we call euphoric recall. This isn’t just recalling the act itself, but the excitement, anticipation, and perceived discovery associated with past moments of watching pornography. It’s the brain’s way of reinforcing the behavior, making you feel excited about returning to it, much like anticipating a new date or a fun activity. The Prefrontal Cortex: Impaired Decision-Making In stark contrast to these primitive reward circuits is the prefrontal cortex, the front of your brain responsible for higher-level thinking, decision-making, impulse control, and problem-solving. This is the part that helps you regulate behavior and weigh consequences – telling you that looking at porn might not be a good idea, or reminding you of how you will be upsetting your partner or girlfriend, or even suggesting healthier alternatives to reduce stress like engaging in physical activity, such as a jog, or spending time with loved ones. In addiction, the prefrontal cortex becomes significantly impaired. The neural pathway between this rational, consequence-aware part and the desire-driven mesolimbic pathway weakens, or even disconnects entirely. This explains why, in moments of relapse, individuals often report feeling like they “weren’t thinking” or “just didn’t care anymore.” The part of your brain that could tell you to stop watching porn is not connected the part of your brain that is creating the desire to watch porn. Reconnecting Neural Pathways for Lasting Porn Addiction Recovery When caught in this cycle, the primitive, desire-driven circuits dominate, overpowering the complex, rational ones. Breaking free requires a dual approach. First, it’s crucial to deprive the mesolimbic dopamine pathway of its unhealthy highs. This means abstinence from pornography so your brain can re-attune to normal, healthy pleasures. Secondly, and equally vital to avoid relapse, is actively building and strengthening the neural pathway between the desire for pornography and the awareness of its negative consequences. For some, this might involve consciously reminding themselves of the fallout in moments of craving. In addiction therapy, we use techniques like brainspotting to literally help rewire these connections, linking the desire for watching porn with the real-life consequences of watching porn. This helps rapidly build that neural connection so that your ability to stop watching porn before it happens is much morre present in your conscious mind. Porn addiction therapy does even more to help you quit looking at pornographic material. A key part of this process is learning healthy coping mechanisms and better understanding your triggers, which supports long-term recovery. This work helps diminish the intense craving, allowing for the restoration of normal intimacy and connection. Shame: The Hidden Fuel for Porn Addicts When the “Painkiller” Becomes the Pain Shame plays a profound and often counterintuitive role in perpetuating pornography addiction, especially for those who experience strong moral incongruence – the feeling that porn use goes against their core values. Many try to use shame as a motivator to stop, believing that self-punishment will deter future use. “If I beat myself up enough,” the thinking goes, “I’ll finally quit.” However, this strategy backfires. Pornography can actually be a maladaptive coping mechanism for shame. The images often present an illusion of desire and validation, acting as an antidote to feelings of worthlessness and low self-esteem. Yet, after the act, the shame returns, often intensified. This creates a vicious cycle: you feel bad, you use porn to temporarily alleviate the feeling, you feel worse afterwards, and then you use porn again to cope with the increased shame. Shame also thrives in secrecy, pushing individuals further into isolation and perpetuating the very behavior they wish to stop. It’s a painful paradox: the intended “painkiller” becomes the very source of the escalating pain. Beyond “Just Horny”: Unpacking Deeper Needs Debunking the “I’m Just Horny” Myth Often, individuals rationalize pornography use by saying, “I’m just horny.” While sexual arousal is certainly part of the experience, this simplistic explanation often masks deeper psychological truths. The euphoric recall system can trick your brain into associating uncomfortable feelings with sexual arousal, making you believe that addressing your “horniness” will solve the underlying issue. For a porn addict, these rationalizations are common and can make it harder to recognize the need to find treatment. This promotes a sense of helplessness, as if the drive is an unstoppable force. Culturally, there’s also a prevalent, yet often inaccurate, script that “men need release,” equating sex drive with basic biological needs like hunger. Unlike food, which is essential for survival, you won’t die without ejaculating. The body has natural mechanisms, like nocturnal emissions, to manage sexual tension. Believing these cultural myths lowers inhibition and rationalizes the addiction, leading to a cycle of seeking relief in unhealthy ways. The Valid Longing for Connection What’s truly going on beneath the surface of

What if the struggles you face today are actually signs of childhood trauma you never knew you had? When we think of trauma, we often picture extreme events. But it’s possible that the persistent big emotions, the relentless perfectionism, or the constant people-pleasing you’ve experienced for years are actually signs of something deeper rooted in your past. In this post, we’re going to uncover the hidden signs of childhood trauma that frequently manifest in adult life. These can include anxiety that never fades, the nagging feeling that you’re never good enough, or constantly overthinking relationships. You’ll learn the surprising ways unresolved trauma can affect your emotions, body, behavior, relationships, self-worth, and even your career. Most importantly, we’ll discuss how you can begin your healing journey with tools backed by psychology and compassion. This isn’t about blame, nor is it meant to shame. Our goal is to empower you to understand *why* you feel the way you do. Perhaps that lingering grumpiness, the tendency to “fly off the handle,” or those dysregulated emotional eruptions have a reason beyond simply being “you.” Once you connect these dots, you can begin to break the cycle and start your healing today. The Unseen Impact of Childhood Wounds Many adults navigate significant challenges in their relationships, work, and overall emotional well-being without ever realizing these issues stem from their childhood. Our discussion aims to foster self-awareness and compassion for what you may be experiencing. What is Childhood Trauma? More Common Than You Think! Childhood trauma isn’t limited to what we might call “Big T” traumas – severe events like a car accident, a house fire, or experiencing violent crime. While these are undoubtedly traumatic, many distressing experiences that happen to us as children can also constitute “small t” traumas. These might be sudden moments of abandonment when a parent wasn’t there when you needed them, even something as seemingly innocuous as getting lost in a supermarket. In such a moment, the child’s world, which they thought was safe and reliable, can feel shattered, even if no one was physically harmed and help eventually arrived. This experience, while not a “Big T” trauma, can still be deeply traumatic in how it’s experienced and stored. A significant portion of trauma also stems from what are known as Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). These come from extensive research and include a list of 10 specific experiences: Physical abuse Sexual abuse Emotional abuse Living with someone who abused drugs Living with someone who abused alcohol Witnessing domestic violence in the home Living with someone who was sent to prison Living with someone with a serious mental illness (leading to dysregulation in the home) Losing a parent through divorce, death, or abandonment It’s estimated that about 47% of people have experienced at least one ACE, with roughly 10% having four or more. The more ACEs an individual has experienced, the higher the likelihood that the impacts will manifest as symptoms in their adult life. Why This Conversation Matters: Reducing Shame, Finding Healing This conversation matters because it helps reduce the shame often associated with these struggles. When you understand that there’s a reason for your current behaviors or emotional patterns, it lessens self-blame. Instead of thinking “there’s something wrong with me,” you can begin to say, “this is why I’m doing this.” Once you’re aware of the root, you can then take steps towards healing. It’s crucial to remember that we’re not here to blame anyone, especially for “small t” traumas that weren’t intentional but still had an impact. The focus is on self-awareness and empowerment. Unmasking the Hidden Signs: How Childhood Trauma Shows Up in Adults Childhood trauma can manifest in various ways, often subtly weaving its way into our adult lives. Recognizing these signs is the first step towards healing. Emotional Rollercoasters & Inner Turmoil: Psychological Signs of Past Trauma Persistent Sadness, Anxiety, or Depression That Won’t Lift: If you experience chronic feelings of sadness, anxiety, or depression that go beyond a temporary mood, these could be rooted in childhood trauma. Difficulty Managing Emotions (Anger, Numbness, or Feeling Overwhelmed): Struggling with emotional regulation is a common sign. This might look like intense bursts of rage, feeling emotionally numb or flat, or being easily overwhelmed by feelings. We often say, “if it’s hysterical, it’s historical,” meaning if an emotional reaction is disproportionate to the trigger, there’s likely a deeper history at play. Your body may be crying out for past pain to be seen, named, and healed, or you might be rigidly locking down emotions out of fear of being flooded. Negative Self-Talk & Low Self-Worth: A strong inner critic, low self-esteem, and persistent feelings of shame or guilt can be fueled by trauma, especially from relational experiences like neglect, anger in the home, or even violent corporal punishment. Feeling Detached or Unreal (Dissociation): Moments where you feel unreal, not truly in your body, or checked out (depersonalization or derealization) can also be rooted in traumatic childhood experiences. Always On Alert (Hypervigilance): Constantly scanning for potential danger, anticipating bad things, and working excessively hard to keep everyone and everything safe can be a symptom of childhood trauma. This hyper-alertness makes it difficult to relax, be present, and trust that you’ll be okay. Behavioral Clues: Actions That Might Signal Unresolved Trauma Self-Sabotage & Risky Behaviors: Engaging in harmful coping mechanisms like substance misuse, self-harm, or risky, dangerous activities can be a sign of unresolved trauma. People-Pleasing & Weak Boundaries: An excessive need to please others, difficulty saying no, and consistently prioritizing others’ needs over your own (caretaking to the neglect of self-care) are very common for individuals who experienced childhood trauma, especially in homes with addiction. Perfectionism Overdrive: While striving for excellence is healthy, when perfectionism becomes a burden, used to feel in control or worthy, or to compensate for feelings of shame, it can signal deeper unresolved trauma. Indecisiveness & Fear of Failure (or Success!): Chronic difficulty making decisions and an intense fear of either failing or even succeeding can indicate trauma’s impact on your actions. Your Body Remembers: Physical Symptoms of Lingering Trauma Our bodies store trauma in the nervous system, even if our minds don’t consciously remember the events. This can manifest physically: Unexplained Aches, Pains, & Digestive Issues: Chronic headaches, stomach problems, digestive issues, and muscle tension without clear medical cause can be the body’s way of expressing unresolved trauma. This can also include a lack of bodily awareness, perhaps from growing up in an environment where you had to focus so much on external threats that you didn’t learn to tune into your own physical sensations. Sleepless Nights & Nightmares: Insomnia, restless sleep, and frequent nightmares are common signs that your body is trying to process stuck trauma. Subtle & Overlooked Signs: The Less Obvious Ways Trauma Affects You Lack of Self-Compassion: Being excessively hard on yourself emotionally, or even physically (like not noticing minor injuries), can stem from a past where you didn’t receive the compassion you needed. Persistent Feelings of Emptiness: A deep, vacated feeling of inner emptiness can be a symptom of unresolved trauma. Self-Blame as a Default: If you find yourself taking responsibility for things beyond your control, especially if you were blamed for difficult situations in childhood, this could be indicative of trauma. Children in challenging environments often blame themselves as a way to make sense of mistreatment. Trauma’s Echoes: How It Impacts Your Adult Life & Relationships The impact of childhood trauma doesn’t just stay in the past; it reverberates through our adult lives, significantly affecting our relationships and daily functioning. Love & Romance: Why Past Trauma Can Sabotage Your Intimate Relationships Trust Issues & Fear of Intimacy: If primary caregivers were inconsistently available or reliably unavailable, your default might be to build walls and protect yourself rather than open up. This contributes to insecure attachment styles (anxious, avoidant) and interferes with deep intimacy. Communication Breakdown & Toxic Conflict Cycles: Reactivity in relationships, like the “fight” response, can be an old fight-or-flight reflex from childhood. Dr. Gottman’s Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) can be amplified by trauma. For instance, growing up in a chaotic home might have taught you that the angriest child was the safest, leading to intense anger during adult conflict, even with a loving partner. Choosing Familiar (But Unhealthy) Partners: Sometimes, individuals unconsciously pursue situations similar to past traumas in a phenomenon called “traumatic repetition” or “reenactment.” This is a subconscious desire to re-experience the trauma but this time, come out feeling in control or safe. It’s also often about choosing what’s familiar, even if it’s unhealthy, because you know how to navigate it, unlike a gentle and compassionate relationship. Family Fallout: Breaking the Cycle of Generational Trauma Strained Relationships with Parents & Siblings: Prominent strain in family relationships can often be a sign of unresolved past trauma within the family system. Impact on Your Own Parenting Style & Kids: Childhood trauma significantly influences our emotional availability, patience, and ability to regulate our own emotions as parents. You might find yourself reacting disproportionately to your child’s behavior, realizing it’s your own unresolved “stuff” coming up. Unde

Do you find yourself repeatedly involved with people who leave you feeling drained, confused, or questioning yourself? Have you ever wondered, “Why do I keep attracting toxic people?” If so, you’re not alone. This question often places the blame squarely on your shoulders, leading to significant self-blame and shame, especially if you’ve been harmed repeatedly. But here’s the truth: It’s not just about who you passively attract. The real issue lies in how individuals with exploitative, manipulative, or abusive behaviors actively target specific vulnerabilities and even positive characteristics in others. In this article, we’ll uncover the psychology behind these toxic relationship patterns. We’ll show you how manipulators identify and exploit vulnerabilities, reveal their subtle and overt tactics, and most importantly, provide you with research-backed tools to heal, build resilience, and break free from these cycles for good. This isn’t about blaming yourself; it’s about understanding the pattern, reclaiming your power, and learning how to choose healthier, happier connections. Shifting the Focus The word “toxic” is frequently used, and in our profession, it generally refers to people who engage in harmful behaviors: exploitation, manipulation, abuse, or general disrespect. If you’re experiencing this, we want to shift the focus from the self-blaming question, “Why do I attract toxic people?” The Trap of Self-Blame The question “Why do I keep attracting toxic people?” places the onus entirely on the person who has been harmed. It implies that something is fundamentally wrong with you that draws these individuals in. This perspective can lead to deep shame and a feeling of being inherently flawed, especially if it’s a recurring pattern. People struggling with this often ask, “What is wrong with me?”—a truly difficult and painful place to be. New Perspective: They Actively Target Vulnerabilities We want to shift away from the idea of passive attraction to focusing on how exploitative individuals actively target others. They aren’t just randomly showing up; they are often consciously or subconsciously seeking out specific traits and vulnerabilities. This means the responsibility for the manipulative or abusive behavior lies solely with the person exhibiting it, not the target. Responsibility: Where It Truly Lies The person who abuses or exploits is the one responsible for those actions. Understanding this is crucial because it takes the burden of blame off the person who has been targeted. While you may have vulnerabilities, the issue is their exploitation by someone else. As counselors, we believe you should be able to have your vulnerabilities, your challenges, your past experiences, and not be taken advantage of. You should be able to heal and exist in the world without fear of exploitation. The Predator Analogy: Understanding the Dynamic Consider a predator analogy. A bunny in a garden, happily eating, might ask, “Why do I attract hawks and coyotes?” This isn’t the right question because it implies the bunny is flawed. Bunnies are resilient and vital to the ecosystem. They aren’t inherently wrong for being bunnies. A better question for the bunny is, “How can I be safer in this world, given there are predators, and I don’t have many defenses?” This shifts the focus from self-blame to understanding the environment and developing strategies for safety and resilience. Similarly, for humans, having vulnerabilities doesn’t make you flawed; it makes you human. The focus needs to be on understanding how to navigate relationships safely when exploitative people exist. Vulnerabilities are Not Flaws: They Are Targeted This is a critical point: Vulnerabilities are not personal defects or flaws. They often stem from past experiences like trauma, attachment injuries from early caregiver relationships, or even inherent personality traits like a high degree of empathy. To healthy people, these traits are often seen as positive. But to very unhealthy, exploitative people, they are seen as opportunities. The issue is the exploitation of these vulnerabilities and qualities. Zero vulnerability is not a realistic or healthy goal. We want to empower you to heal, understand what’s happening, gain knowledge to protect yourself, and build relationships based on mutual respect and safety. The Vulnerabilities they Exploit Targeting by exploitative individuals is rarely random. They often possess a keen sense for identifying sensitivities or unmet needs in others, seeking specific “targets” that make someone more susceptible to manipulation and control. Targeting is Not Random: Seeking Openings Manipulators are skilled at spotting opportunities. They may look for unmet needs from childhood, like a longing for attention or validation, or sensitivities developed through difficult life experiences. They then use this awareness not to nurture these needs, but to exploit them for their own gain. This targeting aspect is key. Vulnerabilities are Not Weaknesses: Origins and Perspective Again, your vulnerabilities are not weaknesses. They are often psychological patterns or sensitivities from past experiences. Understanding this is part of recognizing the manipulator’s tactics, not blaming yourself. For example, someone who grew up with an emotionally unavailable parent might have a deep unmet need for affection. An exploitative person can sense this longing and “love bomb” them, providing overwhelming attention that feels comfortable but is ultimately used for manipulation. Zero vulnerability is not the goal; being safe with your vulnerabilities is. You should be able to have the challenges life has handed you without someone taking advantage. Common Targets: What do Toxic People Consciously or Unconsciously Target? Based on research and clinical experience, here are some common vulnerabilities and traits that exploitative individuals often target: Low Self-Esteem & Weak Boundaries: Individuals with low self-esteem or difficulty setting boundaries are more susceptible to manipulation. They may be less likely to assert their needs or leave harmful situations. Manipulators actively erode their confidence further through criticism and blame, gaining more power. They often test boundaries early with small violations. Insecure Attachment Styles (Anxious/Avoidant) & Fear of Abandonment: Our attachment patterns, shaped by early caregiver relationships, can become vulnerabilities. Anxious Attachment: People with anxious attachment often fear abandonment and crave closeness. A toxic person may use love bombing to create intense dependency, combined with intermittent reinforcement (a cycle of highs and lows) and threats of leaving to keep the person desperate for validation. Avoidant Attachment: People with avoidant attachment are often uncomfortable with intimacy. A toxic person might use superficial charm to draw them in or trigger their fears about closeness. Boundary violations might be harder for avoidant individuals to recognize early. History of Trauma (Childhood Abuse/Neglect, Past Toxic Relationships): A history of trauma impacts one’s ability to trust, regulate emotions, and perceive themselves. Dysfunction can make unhealthy dynamics seem “normal,” making it harder to spot red flags. Manipulators may see a history of trauma as a sign of vulnerability they can exploit, assuming the person is used to poor treatment or has deep-seated insecurities. Codependency & People-Pleasing: Codependency often involves an excessive reliance on pleasing others or prioritizing their needs. People-pleasers find it difficult to say “no.” Exploitative individuals see this as a prime opportunity, making unreasonable demands, inducing guilt, or playing the victim, knowing their target will likely comply. High Empathy: While a wonderful trait, deep empathy can be exploited by those who lack it. Highly empathetic individuals may make excuses for a toxic person’s behavior, be susceptible to guilt trips, or feel compelled to “fix” their partner. Their capacity for forgiveness can inadvertently keep them stuck longer. Exploiting Positive Traits (“The Goodness Trap”): Toxic people can even turn your virtues against you. Loyalty, compassion, trust, and a willingness to give the benefit of the doubt—”prosocial values”—are wonderful qualities. But with the wrong person, these become tools for exploitation. Your desire to understand them, your loyalty in staying, or your compassion for their supposed struggles can be leveraged to keep you invested and compliant. These vulnerabilities are often interconnected. For example, a history of trauma might contribute to insecure attachment or low self-esteem, creating multiple points of potential exploitation. The Predator’s Playbook: How Vulnerabilities Are Targeted Exploitative behavior isn’t just about who they target; it’s about how they do it. They have a playbook of tactics designed to erode self-worth, confuse reality, and create dependency. This is an active process involving observation, recognizing cues, and testing boundaries. Active Process: Observation and Testing Toxic individuals are often skilled observers. They watch for signs of vulnerabilities. Once they identify a potential target, they begin testing boundaries. These might be small violations initially, just to see how the person responds. If there’s a “gap” or willingness to yield, they see an opening they can widen over time. Common Manipulation Tactics: The Tools of Control Here are some common tactics used by exploitative individuals: Love Bombing: Overwhelming the target with excessive affection, attention, compliments, and grand gestures early on. This makes you feel amazing and is designed to create intense dependency, distracting you from red flags. Gaslighting: A tactic to undermine your reality, memory, and sanity. The manipulator might deny things they said or did, twist facts, or make you doubt your own thoughts (“That never happened,” “You’

The discovery of a partner’s betrayal can instantly shatter your world, leaving you reeling with shock, disbelief, and profound pain. This isn’t an exaggeration; it’s a deep psychological impact that can trigger an “existential crisis,” questioning trust, shared reality, and even your own self-worth. This guide offers immediate, trauma-informed “lifelines” to help you navigate these overwhelming initial hours and days, focusing on self-preservation amidst the chaos. Understanding the Initial Impact: Why You Feel This Way Discovering a partner’s betrayal is widely recognized as a traumatic event. Concepts like Betrayal Trauma, developed by Dr. Jennifer Freyd, describe the specific injury when someone you depend on for safety violates that trust. While not a formal diagnosis, Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD) describes a real cluster of trauma symptoms similar to PTSD, arising from infidelity. Experts like Sheri Keffer and Michelle Mays highlight that betrayal trauma deeply affects the attachment bond and can mimic symptoms of Complex PTSD, underscoring the severity of the psychological wound. The immediate aftermath often brings a symphony of painful reactions: Emotional Overwhelm: Intense waves of anger, profound sadness, grief, pervasive fear, anxiety, confusion, and jealousy. Cognitive Disarray: Difficulty concentrating, racing thoughts, intrusive mental images of the betrayal, and obsessive rumination. Physical Symptoms: Nausea, tension headaches, migraines, profound fatigue, changes in appetite or sleep patterns, heart palpitations, and muscle tension. Numbness or Dissociation: Feeling emotionally numb, detached, or as if you’re living in a dream. This is a psychological defense against overwhelming pain. Hypervigilance: Being constantly on edge, scanning for threats, and an inability to relax or feel safe. Loss of Trust: Deep trust issues not only with the unfaithful partner but potentially with others and your own judgment. Shame and Self-Blame: Questioning what you did wrong, if you’re responsible, or if you’re “not good enough.” It’s crucial to understand that these reactions, however extreme, are normal human responses to an incredibly painful and abnormal situation. You’re not “going crazy”; you’re experiencing the effects of trauma. This profound traumatic impact often stems from the shattering of the attachment bond. Romantic partners become primary attachment figures, sources of safety and security. When this trusted figure becomes the source of pain, it creates an “attachment-based bind.” The person you’d normally turn to for solace is the cause of your distress, leading to intense emotional and physiological dysregulation, often mirroring Complex PTSD. Furthermore, the trauma is often amplified by deception. Dr. Omar Minwalla argues that infidelity often involves creating and maintaining a “secret, separate reality” or a “secret sexual basement.” This “deceptive compartmentalization” is a “profound system of deliberate deception,” which he characterizes as a form of psychological abuse. The betrayed partner discovers they’ve been living in a manipulated reality, leading to profound confusion and questioning of their own sanity—a hallmark of gaslighting. Recognizing this element of systemic deception is vital for challenging self-blame; you are not at fault for “not knowing” or for the betrayal itself if you’ve been actively and intentionally deceived. Your First 7 Lifelines: Trauma-Informed Steps for Immediate Self-Preservation In the disorienting whirlwind after betrayal, these concrete, trauma-informed actions can provide crucial direction and immediate self-preservation. Action Item 1: Prioritize Your Immediate Safety (Physical and Emotional) What & Why: The initial shock throws your nervous system into overdrive. The absolute first priority is to create a sense of safety, however minimal, to begin calming this acute stress response. This is foundational; without a baseline of safety, effective processing is hindered. Your traumatized brain cannot engage in rational decision-making when it perceives an ongoing threat. Establishing safety is a neurobiological necessity. How-to: Physical Safety: If you feel physically unsafe or fear escalation, remove yourself. Go to a trusted friend’s or family member’s home. If feasible and safer, ask your partner to leave temporarily. Emotional/Psychological Safety: Find a space where you feel relatively secure. This could be a quiet room or in the company of a calm, trusted person. Consider temporarily turning off your phone or limiting contact with unhelpful individuals. Create a “Safe Harbor”: Consider putting the relationship into a “safe harbor” for an extended period, such as six months, implying an initial need for distance to reduce ongoing harm or pressure. Nervous System Regulation: Initiate simple techniques like breathwork and grounding. Trauma significantly narrows your “window of tolerance” for stress, making safe spaces where your body can relax essential. Safety planning, even now, empowers you. Action Item 2: Acknowledge the Truth and Your Intense Emotions What & Why: It’s natural to want to deny or push away a devastating reality. However, acknowledgment is the crucial first step toward healing. Suppressing the truth and feelings prolongs distress. “Betrayal blindness,” where one unconsciously suppresses awareness of betrayal to maintain an attachment, can contribute to the shock. Gently resisting the urge to revert to “not knowing” and facing the new reality is key. Acknowledging the truth begins to bridge the chasm between your old belief in the relationship’s integrity and the harsh new reality, addressing immense cognitive dissonance. How-to: Verbalize the Reality (to oneself): Simply stating, “This has happened. I have been betrayed. This is real,” is a powerful act of acknowledgment. Name Your Feelings: Identify and name your emotions to make them feel more manageable: “I feel devastated. I feel enraged. I feel confused. I feel physically sick.” Use “I” statements to own your feelings. Accept these emotions as valid reactions. Allow, Don’t Judge: Grant yourself permission to feel whatever emotions arise—sadness, anger, fear, confusion—without judging them as “right” or “wrong,” “too much” or “not enough.” All feelings are valid. Gentle Confrontation of Avoidance: The truth is exposed; your task is to begin integrating this painful new reality. Action Item 3: Anchor Yourself: Simple Grounding Techniques for Overwhelm What & Why: When emotions surge and thoughts race, grounding techniques bring you back to the present moment and into your body, providing an anchor. They directly help regulate your nervous system, often highly activated after trauma. Grounding is a conscious, self-directed action that can shift you toward a sense of internal control, regaining a sense of agency. How-to (2-3 simple, memorable examples): The 5-4-3-2-1 Method: Engage multiple senses: Name 5 things you can SEE. Name 4 things you can TOUCH (and touch them). Name 3 things you can HEAR. Name 2 things you can SMELL. Name 1 thing you can TASTE. Deep Breathing: Inhale slowly and deeply through your nose, letting your abdomen expand. Hold briefly, then exhale slowly and completely, making the exhale slightly longer. Repeat several times. Physical Anchors: Place both feet firmly on the floor and notice the sensation. Press palms together firmly, or splash cool water on your face to interrupt overwhelming thoughts and bring awareness to your body. Action Item 4: Activate Your Support System (Wisely and Safely) What & Why: Betrayal can be incredibly isolating. Connecting with trusted, empathetic individuals provides comfort, validation, and practical assistance. However, choose wisely, as unhelpful responses can cause more harm. The “social betrayal” component of intimate partner betrayal makes trustworthy external validation critical. Reaching out to genuinely supportive people offers a corrective experience, counteracting the gaslighting and self-blame inherent in betrayal. How-to: Identify Safe People: Think of one to three individuals who are good listeners, non-judgmental, and offer empathy without trying to “fix” or dictate actions. Be Clear About What is Needed (If Possible): Articulate your needs: “I’m in shock; I just need someone to listen,” or “Can you just be with me?” Avoid Those Who Might: Blame you, minimize your pain, pressure for quick decisions, or engage in gossip. Consider Support Groups (for later): Know that specialized support groups like Infidelity Survivors Anonymous exist for future reference. Crucially, Do Not Rely on the Betraying Partner for Primary Support in These Initial Moments: They are the source of the trauma. Action Item 5: Create Breathing Room: Postpone Major Decisions What & Why: In the immediate wake of betrayal, you’re experiencing profound shock and cognitive disruption. This is not the time for life-altering decisions about the relationship, living arrangements, or finances. Judgment is significantly clouded by trauma. The urge to make immediate, drastic decisions can be a trauma-driven attempt to escape overwhelming pain and regain control, but these decisions are made from a place of dysregulation. Impulsive actions, though offering temporary illusions of control, often lead to regret. Delaying significant decisions is an act of self-protection and wisdom. How-to: Commit to a Pause: Make a conscious decision: “I will not make any major decisions today,” or “I will give myself at least a week before considering any major actions.” (Or, like the “six-month safe harbor” concept mentioned earlier.) Focus on Immediate Needs: Your primary “task” is to navigate the crisis and focus on safety and basic self-care. Resist Pressure (Internal or External): Gently resist the urge to “do something” definitive or external pressure. A simple, valid response is, “I need time to process this and think clearly.” If a Dec

Infidelity vs. Sex Addiction: Navigating Betrayal and Paths to Healing When betrayal hits, the pain runs deep. It’s an experience that shatters trust and leaves individuals grappling with intense emotions and profound uncertainty. Understanding why it happened can be the first vital step toward healing. But sometimes a deeper question comes up: Is it infidelity, a heartbreaking breach of trust, or something more complex, like sex addiction? Today, we’re diving into one of the most misunderstood topics in relationships to help bring clarity to your situation. As licensed counselors, we approach this delicate subject with profound compassion and a non-judgmental stance, recognizing that this information may be encountered by both those who have betrayed and those who have been betrayed, often during a very fragile and intense moment in their relationship history. Our aim is to provide educated, understandable, friendly, and empathetic guidance. This discussion will address some of your toughest questions, including: What are the key differences between infidelity and sex addiction? What are the signs and symptoms of sex addiction? I just found out about my partner’s affair: how do I know if this is a one-time thing or the start of an addiction? What role does pornography play in infidelity and sex addiction? Are there assessments for sex addiction that I can use and trust? Let’s get into it. Understanding Infidelity vs. Sex Addiction: Key Differences One of the most common questions we hear is, “How do I know if this is infidelity or addiction?” When a couple is grappling with a recent discovery or disclosure, it can be incredibly challenging to differentiate between these two distinct patterns of behavior. While both involve sexual acting out outside of a committed relationship and cause immense pain, their underlying drivers and characteristics differ significantly. Defining Infidelity At its core, infidelity is defined as sexual activity with someone other than a primary romantic partner or spouse. It’s important to clarify that today’s discussion focuses specifically on sexual infidelity, not emotional affairs. While emotional affairs are undoubtedly a profound betrayal and cause deep hurt, they do not fall under the clinical definition of sexual infidelity, which specifically involves sexual behaviors. Infidelity can manifest in various ways: it might be a single, isolated incident, or it could involve multiple extramarital partners, either serially or even simultaneously. The complexity increases when, for instance, an affair partner is also a sex trade worker, or if a long-term, even decade-long, secondary relationship or “second family” scenario exists. Even in such severe cases, the behavior can still be classified as infidelity if certain key elements of addiction are absent. Defining Sex Addiction Sex addiction, in contrast, is characterized by a recurrent failure to resist sexual impulses. The most crucial differentiator here is the concept of impulse control, or rather, the lack thereof. This isn’t just about having sex multiple times with an affair partner; it’s about a high level of spontaneity, impulsiveness, and uncontrollability surrounding the sexual activity. The individual feels compelled to act despite a desire to stop. Core Differentiators Between Infidelity and Sex Addiction Impulse Control: This is paramount. With sex addiction, there’s a profound lack of impulse control, where the individual feels driven by compulsive urges. In infidelity, while there’s a choice made to betray, it typically doesn’t exhibit the same level of uncontrollability. Escalation Over Time: Infidelity might deepen emotionally over time, but sex addiction often involves an escalation in the intensity, frequency, and risk of the sexual behaviors. This can mean progressing from one type of acting out to another, or engaging in increasingly dangerous scenarios. Variety of Behaviors: Sex addiction typically presents a wider variety of sexual behaviors compared to a more contained affair. While an affair might involve different positions or locations, sex addiction can encompass diverse scenarios like encounters with paid sex workers, anonymous hookups, voyeurism, exhibitionism, or extensive use of pornography, even if these don’t involve a traditional “affair partner.” Desire to Stop vs. Continue: This can be particularly hard for betrayed partners to hear, but it’s a key distinction. Individuals struggling with sex addiction often express a persistent, genuine desire to stop their behaviors, experiencing profound remorse and shame after acting out, only to find themselves repeating the cycle due to compulsion. Affairs, however, often involve a persistent desire to continue the relationship with the affair partner, driven by a fantasy or idealized projection of that person. Motivation and Underlying Issues: The motivation for an affair is typically emotional and tied to current relationship dynamics or personal unmet needs. Sex addiction, on the other hand, is generally driven by deeper attachment issues and unresolved trauma. While trauma can certainly play a role in someone’s propensity for affairs, its severity and direct link to the compulsive behavior are typically more pronounced in sex addiction. Scope of Harm: While infidelity causes immense emotional harm primarily to the betrayed partner, sex addiction often brings a wider array of severe consequences to the individual acting out. This can include significant financial ruin (hundreds of thousands of dollars spent), sexually transmitted diseases, legal issues, or physical dangers due to engaging in risky scenarios. An affair, while devastating, often occurs in a comparatively “contained” scenario. It is crucial to state that none of this comparison minimizes the pain of infidelity. The betrayal, whether it’s an affair or sex addiction, causes profound suffering. The purpose of differentiating is to understand the nature of the problem, which guides the path to effective healing and recovery. Recognizing the Signs and Symptoms of Sex Addiction Building on the core differentiators, let’s explore the specific signs and symptoms that characterize sex addiction. Much of our understanding in this area draws from the pioneering work of Patrick Carnes, a foundational figure in sex addiction research and treatment. This will repeat some of the information given above, but for the sake of clarity, we will repeat and build on that. The following indicators are often present in patterns of compulsive sexual behavior: Lack of Impulse Control: As mentioned, this is a hallmark. The individual repeatedly fails to resist impulses to engage in sexual behaviors, even when they desire to stop. Wider Variety, Greater Risks, Longer Period: The pattern typically involves diverse sexual behaviors, often escalating in intensity, frequency, and the risks taken (financial, physical, legal, social) over a longer period, sometimes even a lifetime. Rarely, sex addiction can manifest suddenly due to significant physiological changes, such as starting testosterone supplements, leading to unexpected compulsive behaviors. Repeated Unsuccessful Attempts to Stop: Individuals often make numerous earnest attempts to stop, reduce, or control their sexual behavior, only to relapse. This chronic relapsing cycle is a clear sign of addiction. Inordinate Time Spent: A significant amount of time is dedicated to obtaining sex, engaging in sexual activity, or recovering from sexual experiences. This preoccupation can consume a person’s life, far beyond what might be considered “steamy” in an affair. Extensive Preoccupation: There’s a persistent and consuming preoccupation with sexual behavior, sex, or preparatory activities (e.g., planning, fantasizing, seeking opportunities). Continued Behavior Despite Negative Consequences: A defining characteristic of any addiction is continuing the behavior despite clear knowledge of persistent or recurring social, financial, psychological, or physical problems caused by it. While an affair has profound consequences for the relationship, sex addiction often brings direct, severe, and personal harm to the individual’s life outside the relationship as well. Is It a One-Time Affair or the Start of an Addiction? This question, born from fear and pain, is deeply unsettling for those who have just discovered their partner’s affair. The honest answer is: you don’t really know for certain at first. However, we can offer insights to help you understand the probabilities and potential directions. In many cases, it may indeed be “just” an affair. We use “just” not to minimize the devastating pain, but in the context of differentiating it from the complexity of addiction. Statistically, infidelity is more common than sex addiction. General social surveys indicate that 20-25% of married men and 10-15% of married women admit to having sex outside their marriage over their lifetime. Among younger adults (in their twenties), women report higher rates, closer to 20%. Some broader definitions of infidelity, including any sexual interaction that could jeopardize or hurt the relationship, push women’s rates even higher to nearly 20% across all ages. Overall, approximately one-quarter of all marriages will experience infidelity at some point. Conversely, sex addiction is estimated to affect about 10% of the population, and this figure often excludes individuals whose primary compulsive behavior is pornography. Therefore, statistically, it’s rarer to be married to a sex addict than to someone who has committed an act of infidelity. When to Suspect Sex Addiction Consider the possibility of sex addiction if: Extensive Premarital History: Your partner had a history of excessive or compulsive sexual activity prior to your marriage, and this behavior was never addressed through counseling or recovery work. The affair you’ve discovered could be a relapse in an ongoing pattern. Undisclos

In the intricate dance of life and relationships, the concept of boundaries often arises as a critical tool for maintaining balance and well-being. However, despite their importance, many people unknowingly approach boundary setting in ways that are counterproductive, manipulative, or even harmful to themselves and their relationships. As trained and licensed counselors, we frequently encounter individuals struggling with this very issue; feeling overwhelmed, burnt out, or trapped by dynamics they desire to change. Our goal today is to demystify healthy boundaries and show you how to implement them effectively. There are two primary situations where boundaries become essential: Overextension and Burnout: This occurs when you find yourself saying “yes” to too many demands on your time, energy, and involvement, leading to exhaustion and a sense that your own priorities are constantly being pushed aside. Learning to say “no” is crucial here to reclaim a manageable life. Relationship Challenges: This involves situations where someone is consistently not treating you with respect or kindness, or where the interaction itself is becoming harmful. These are the boundaries that require careful articulation to safeguard your emotional and psychological space. While both aspects are vital, our focus today is on the second scenario: setting boundaries within relationships. We’ll delve deep into how to articulate a healthy boundary that feels authentic, isn’t controlling or manipulative, and ultimately fosters healthier, more respectful relationships. 1. How Boundary-Setting is Abused It’s common to see boundaries being used incorrectly, leading to misunderstandings and further relational damage. Many people believe they are setting a boundary when, in reality, they are engaging in behaviors that undermine the very purpose of healthy limits. Let’s explore some common misuses: Ultimatums: The “If You Do X, I’ll Never Speak to You Again” Approach An ultimatum is often a desperate attempt to protect oneself or prevent a harmful situation. For example, telling someone, “If you do that again, I’ll never speak to you.” While the desire for safety is understandable, ultimatums rarely work in a pro-relational way. The problem is that they force the boundary-setter into a position of rigid enforcement. If the person crosses the line, you are then obligated to follow through, even if you don’t want to sever the relationship entirely. This can leave you feeling trapped by your own declaration, and it often creates a dynamic that is not conducive to mutual growth or a healthy connection. It’s like saying, “I value the absence of this behavior more than I value our ongoing relationship,” which isn’t always the case, especially if the relationship is otherwise important. Coercive Control: Forcing Behavior Through “Boundaries” Another misuse is disguised as coercive control, where the “boundary” is an attempt to force someone else to do or stop doing something. Consider the common parenting trap: “If you don’t clean your room, I’m going to take away your favorite toy.” While consequences for children are necessary, this can easily devolve into manipulation if the consequence is disproportionate or unrelated, or if the primary goal is control rather than teaching responsibility. The true purpose of a boundary is not to make someone change their behavior for your comfort, but to define the terms under which you are willing to engage. If your “boundary” is just a veiled threat to get what you want, it lacks the invitational, relational quality of a healthy limit. Manipulation: Consequences Unrelated to the Boundary Manipulation is closely linked to coercive control. This is when you use consequences that are completely unrelated to the behavior you’re trying to address, or when you use power to compel someone. For instance, an older parent saying to an adult child, “If you don’t spend more time with me, I’m going to take away your driving privileges.” This isn’t about setting a personal limit; it’s about leveraging power to force compliance, often leaving both parties feeling resentful and disrespected. Healthy boundaries define *your* space and *your* willingness, not dictate *their* actions through unrelated punishments. Cut-offs: The Quick Exit from Conflict Cut-offs involve completely ending a relationship over a perceived slight or difficulty, often without attempting to work through the issue. It’s the “I’m done with this person” mentality after a single bad conversation or insult. While in certain extreme situations (like abuse, which we’ll discuss later), no contact is essential for safety, most everyday relationship challenges do not warrant a permanent cut-off. It’s a common buzzword in popular psychology that can be misused, devaluing the true meaning of a boundary. It’s often easier to “drop the axe” on a relationship than to engage in the uncomfortable work of conflict resolution. Healthy relationships require room for imperfection and the benefit of the doubt, where both parties can make errors without fear of complete severance. Overuse and Misapplication: Complaint vs. Criticism Sometimes, the term “boundary” is simply overused or misapplied. What might be needed is not a boundary, but a clear, respectful complaint. Dr. Gottman distinguishes between a criticism and a complaint: Criticism attacks the person’s character: “You always say nasty stuff because you’re a jerk so I’m not going to talk to you.” A Complaint focuses on the specific behavior and its impact on you: “I feel hurt when you frame things harshly.” Framing your concerns as complaints, rather than criticisms or false “boundaries,” promotes healthier dialogue and problem-solving, inviting engagement rather than defensiveness. 2. The Best Definition for a Boundary that I’ve Ever Heard After navigating the pitfalls of misused boundaries, let’s turn to a definition that truly encapsulates the essence of healthy boundary setting. This definition offers a profound paradigm shift from how many of us have been taught to think about limits: A healthy boundary is stating the loving terms on which you are willing to engage with someone. A Paradigm Shift: From Control to Engagement This definition challenges the common perception that a boundary is about controlling or changing another person’s behavior so that you can feel okay. Instead, it places the focus on your own terms of engagement. It’s not about saying, “You need to change for me to be okay around you,” but rather, “Here are the conditions under which I can lovingly and healthily participate in this relationship.” This shift empowers you to define your space and needs without dictating another’s actions, fostering mutual respect. The “Loving” Component: Affection and Respect The first crucial part of this definition is “loving.” For a boundary to be truly healthy and well-articulated, it must stem from a place of affection, care, or at least sincere regard for the other person and the relationship. In a professional context, this might translate to “kind,” “collegial,” “warm,” or “sincere” terms. For friends and extended family, it means setting limits with an underlying affectionate disposition. When we are offended or angry, it’s easy to lose sight of the love or bond that connects us. Approaching a boundary from a place of genuine care helps to preserve the relationship and ensures that your message is received as an effort to get back to a safer, more productive level of interaction, rather than an attack. “Willing to Engage”: An Invitational Disposition The second key element is “willing to engage.” This signifies an invitational disposition in your heart when you set the boundary. Unlike the common perception of a boundary as a “push away” or a “shove,” a healthy boundary implies, “I want to continue this relationship, but on these terms.” It’s about how you and the other person can move towards each other, rather than moving apart. It acknowledges that while you are defining limitations, you are also expressing a desire for continued interaction within those defined limits. For instance, instead of slamming the door and walking out in anger, you might say, “I want to continue this conversation, but I need us both to be calm to do so.” This clearly states your willingness to engage, while setting a necessary condition. Using “I” Statements for Clarity and Ownership To effectively articulate these loving terms, it’s essential to use “I” statements. This means focusing on how the other person’s actions affect *you* rather than making accusations or generalizations about *them*. For example, instead of saying, “You always interrupt me, which is rude,” you might say, “When I’m interrupted, I feel unheard and it makes it difficult for me to express myself fully.” This approach takes ownership of your feelings and experiences, making the boundary about your needs and willingness to engage, rather than about correcting the other person. Defining “Me” and “Not Me”: The Essence of Boundaries As renowned boundary experts Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend explain in their work, boundaries are fundamentally about defining ourselves. They state: “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins—leading me to a sense of ownership.” Think of it like a fence in your backyard. That fence clearly delineates what is yours and what belongs to your neighbor. Your yard is your responsibility, and you have ownership over what happens within it. Similarly, personal boundaries define your responsibilities, feelings, thoughts, and limits, and distinguish them from someone else’s. When there’s no clear boundary, it becomes easy to blame others for your problems or, conversely, blame yourself for theirs. A healthy boundary clarifies this distinction, allowing you to take responsibility for your “yard” and empowering you with a sense of ownership over you

Have you ever felt constantly on edge? Like no matter how much you try to relax, your body just won’t let you? Maybe you struggle with sleep, feel disconnected from others as you go through daily life, or find yourself reacting to situations in a way that surprises you. It’s just kind of not you. And the worst part is, you don’t really know why. Today we’re breaking down what PTSD looks like. We’ll discuss how it can show up in your daily life and the twelve leading signs that you may be living with unresolved trauma. We’ll explore why these patterns develop, how they affect your relationships and daily experiences, and what steps you can take to start making sense of it all. To make this as helpful as possible, we will pull from our experience as therapists who work with trauma survivors. We’ll also refer to the book “The Body Keeps Score,” by trauma expert Dr. Bessel van der Kolk. Whether you’ve been through a major life event or a series of smaller things that have stacked up on you, if you feel like something isn’t quite right, this post could give you the clarity that you’ve been searching for around PTSD and whether that describes what you have been experiencing. Dr. van der Kolk outlines twelve leading symptoms of complex PTSD. We’re going to break these down for you here.  1.   Hypervigilance The first leading symptom of PTSD is a constant feeling of unsafety and hypervigilance. Dr. van der Kolk says that patients with PTSD are always on guard. Their bodies are chronically tense and defensive as if they’re still in danger now. We often see this play out in our therapy sessions. When people come in for counseling, they don’t necessarily use the word “hypervigilance.” Instead, they tend to say things like, “I’m very aware of everything that’s happening around me.” They say they feel like they’re “always on watch,” they’re “very aware of others and interactions,” and that they’re “always on guard.” They may also say that they “feel super awake, all the time.”  Hypervigilance after betrayal: As therapists, we do a lot of work with survivors of betrayal – of infidelity or when your partner has an affair, for example. Our clients who have experienced this type of trauma often tell us that they always feel very aware of when their partner gets a text message. They’re keyed right in on that little text notification. If something’s a little bit off about how their partner is conducting themselves, or if their partner is two minutes late – things that would’ve never bothered them in the past – suddenly catch their attention. That’s hypervigilance. One of the biggest things our clients have talked about is always tracking their spouse. If their spouse is out of the home, they need to know exactly where they are at all times. And it’s because they’re not feeling safe, so they have to try and make themselves feel safe in some way. Hypervigilance after medical trauma: People can experience hypervigilance around medical traumas as well. Just the other day, we observed a parent whose child went through a major prolonged illness that involved immense hopelessness and fear of losing the child. Thank God, the child did recover and everybody’s doing great today physically. But this parent expressed feeling that same hypervigilance and alertness even today, even though the child is healthy. It’s been quite some time of decent health, and the child’s health is getting better all the time. And still, if there’s anything off about her – if she has a little cough or something, this parent is right on it. That’s an example of hypervigilance in a medical and familial context. That is one of the characteristics of PTSD. Show Yourself Compassion We want to encourage you to have compassion for yourself if you’re experiencing hypervigilance. This is happening because your nervous system and your body went through a very dangerous situation. Whether the danger was about you or someone dear to you, your world and the safety that you thought you lived in has been shattered. What’s now happening is this: Your nervous system became activated to help you be aware of as much data as possible so that you can always watch out for that threat and respond to it when it comes.[i] We often refer to this as the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response. These are aspects of a trauma response. Becoming hypervigilant makes sense, and we want you to know you’re not crazy. You’re also not a “control freak.” Maybe you’ve heard the term “helicopter parenting”, and unfortunately, sometimes mothers get shamed for that hypervigilance that can come after trauma. Whether there has been an accident or a major illness, what’s really happening is hypervigilance in response to a traumatic experience. Practical Tips Once you identify and understand that you’re experiencing hypervigilance because your body and nervous system are activated, you can learn strategies that can calm your nervous system back down and help you regulate.  Predictable routines. Try to bring order to your life in ways that work for you. This could be having predictable routines, like making your coffee the same way every morning, making your bed every day, keeping your keys in the same spot in your home.  Grounding with 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.[ii] This is a simple grounding exercise that brings your awareness back to the present moment. Focusing on the here and now can remind you that you’re safe now. To do this exercise, anytime, follow these steps: Name five things that you can see right now when you look around you. For example, I see my speaker, I see the camera, I see my light, and so on. Name four things you can hear. Right now, there are a lot of noises in our room. It might be your HVAC system, your fish tank filter, the car going by outside, etc. Name three things that you can feel. Maybe you can feel your shirt, your goatee if you have one, your feet on the floor, and so on.  Name two things you can smell. Maybe you smell your coffee or a snack on your desk. Name one thing you can taste. Here maybe you can take a sip of water or chew a piece of gum. This exercise grounds you – it brings you into your present reality. In this activity, your body is being led into the sense that I’m right here, right now, reading this article. I’m not in that scary situation that has created all these activated feelings. This relaxes the body. That brings us to the next symptom of PTSD.  2.   Inability to relax The inability to relax is the second leading symptom of PTSD. It’s a feeling of constant bodily tension. You may even feel discomfort with relaxing practices like meditation or yoga.  There is a thing called traumatic orbital hyperactivity. This is when people go through a very traumatic experience and then find that they’re always in this very activated, hyper state. They may always be on the go, always moving, always keeping busy. This could even be misinterpreted by medical professionals or by our culture as ADHD when really, in this case, this inability to relax is a PTSD symptom. Practical Tip Progressive muscle relaxation: Instead of forcing relaxation through meditation or yoga, try tightening and releasing muscles one by one. Somatic exercises: Try shaking out your tension by shaking different parts of your body. Breathing: Practice deep belly breathing to slowly teach your body to tolerate relaxation.  3.   Sleep Disturbances  Sleep disturbances are the third main symptom of PTSD. This could be difficulty falling asleep, or it could be waking up and already feeling like you’re on high alert. It may feel like you’re just always ready to go, all the time. Dr. van der Kolk writes: “Sleep disturbances are among the most persistent problems for trauma survivors.”[iii] In his book, Dr. van der Kolk talks about his work with Vietnam War veterans. He notes that many trauma survivors have chronic insomnia like this. It’s often linked with nightmares and flashbacks as well. If you’re struggling to sleep, you may want to consider if it could be a result of trauma.   Practical Tips:  If you’re experiencing sleep disturbances, here are some tips that may help: Calming bedtime routine: Develop a consistent wind-down routine before bed such as journaling or listening to calming music. Journaling helps take all the busyness of the mind and externalize it onto paper for you.  Weighted blanket: Consider trying a weighted blanket. People often say this kind of feels like a comforting hug.  Avoid screens: Before bedtime, steer clear of phone use or watching TV. Screens mess with your circadian rhythms, which help your body know when to sleep and wake. Also, the content you may be digesting and scrolling through can be anxiety-provoking. Social media often creates anxiety.   Grounding exercises: If you wake up on high alert, and your body is activated, you can try the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 grounding exercise we discussed above.  Breathing exercises:  Box Breathing. One simple breathing exercise you can do if you wake up feeling alert is called Box Breathing. Imagine tracing the shape of a box. You can actually move your finger in the shape of a square if you’d like. Imagine that as you breathe in, you move your finger up the left side of the box, counting slowly 1, 2, 3, 4. Now hold that breath counting slowly, 1, 2, 3, 4. Then move your finger along the top of the box, and slowly exhale while counting 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold your breath for 1, 2, 3, 4. Now move your finger down the right side of the box and inhale, counting slowly, 1, 2, 3, 4. Hold your breath for four seconds. Finally, exhale while moving your finger along the bottom of the box to where you first started, and count 1, 2, 3, 4.  As you do this box breathing a few times, you may see your nervous system begin to regulate again.[iv]Additionally, while you’re concentrating on slow inhales and exhales, you’re unable to have racing thoughts that make you even more alert. Longer exhales than inhales. Interestingly, if you breathe out for longer than you breathe

Have you ever had a conversation with your spouse where you just couldn’t get through to them? You’re trying to explain something, but they’re either not listening or completely misunderstanding you. Or maybe a small miscommunication turned into a bigger argument, leaving you wondering, “What just happened?” Here, we break down the five key fundamentals that make marriage communication strong, clear, and full of love. We talk about how to truly understand each other, create a safe space for honest conversations, and build deeper trust in your relationship. We also give you a few exercises you can do today to strengthen your marriage connection. Whether you’re newly married or have been together for years, these five fundamentals can transform the way you and your spouse communicate. Empathy and Understanding: The Foundation of Connection The first key to strong marriage communication is empathy and understanding. This is the foundation of communication. We like this quote by Montgomery: The goal of quality communication is the achievement and maintenance of interpersonal understanding.[i] In other words, the reason we communicate at all is so we can understand each other. We want to get to a place of understanding and stay in a place of understanding. Let’s take a close look at empathy.   What Is Empathy? An easy definition of empathy that we like is this: “When I stand in your shoes and look at the world through your lens, through whatever you’re experiencing… when I put myself in that place…it makes sense that you feel what you do.” When we work with couples, there’s one phrase we use a lot: “It makes sense.” This is a basic affirmation of reality. It’s a way of expressing empathy. It doesn’t mean that you agree with everything they say. It’s understanding: “If I were in your shoes, having walked to this point, I would be reacting the same way; your reaction makes sense.” The 3 Components of Empathy There is a widely accepted conceptualization of empathy that says it has three main components.[ii] They are cognitive, emotional, and motivational. Let’s talk about these. Cognitive empathy: The first is called cognitive empathy, which is just the recognition and understanding of the emotional states of others. So, in my brain, I’m aware that you are having sadness right now because there are tears coming down. Cognitive empathy is that attention and awareness of what your spouse is experiencing. We call that attunement in other kinds of therapy. Emotional empathy: The second component is emotional empathy. This part of empathy is experience sharing. It means that I share your emotion. I still maintain a distinction between myself and you, but I share in what you are experiencing and feeling. Our readers who are empaths sometimes may have to remind themselves that there is that distinction between self and other. So, if you’re upset about something that happened at work, I don’t have to go storming into your office to solve the problem on your behalf. Instead, I get upset alongside you, I see that your reaction makes sense, and I feel the upset, but I know there is a distinction between self and other. Motivational empathy: The third component of empathy is motivational empathy. This is also known as empathic care. Motivational empathy is having feelings of concern for the other and having a willingness to put effort into improving their well-being. If I have empathy for you, it’s motivating me to do something to care for you. Now, sometimes we harp on men a little bit when we do seminars. Sometimes men tend to rush to solutions. That’s motivational empathy, sure, but this problem-solving part is at the back of the list. Men often jump straight to “I’m concerned about you and I want to help you solve this.” But, timing is important with this. Before jumping to solve the problem, it’s important to first join your spouse in the emotional experience, notice, and validate. If you haven’t done the first two, the noticing and validating, it’s actually not empathy. It’s just solution-finding, fixing the problem. Our goal is empathy and understanding; these are fundamental to a strong marriage connection. Practical Takeaway Tip: As we’re thinking about this empathy piece, here is one takeaway: Think about the last time you and your spouse had a disagreement. Did you truly try to understand their point of view? Or were you just waiting for your turn to talk? Try this. The next time you’re having a conversation, just pause and ask yourself, “Do I really understand what they’re saying?” And ask yourself that before responding to your spouse. Do I get it or am I just talking? Really go for that understanding, 100%. Safety: Creating a Judgment-Free Space Now let’s look at our second key component of communication connection. This key component in communication connection is safety. You want to create a judgment-free space in your marriage. A spouse must feel really safe in order to indicate how we really feel. So he or she must be convinced that no harm will come from an expression of their feelings in order to be fully comfortable expressing themselves emotionally. To create safety, you want to send the signal to your spouse that they are safe with their emotions. You send this message when you don’t try to talk them out of their feelings and you don’t dismiss them. You don’t turn or hide away from them. You don’t tell them, “Oh, it’s not a big deal,” or “It’ll be okay.” Because actually, that’s telling them that their feelings aren’t valid. It’s dismissing them instead of understanding them. When they share something with us, we might be uncomfortable, but being with them and letting them feel what they’re feeling and then validating those feelings creates safety. Here are some phrases to watch out for, phrases that signal dismissiveness of your spouse’s feelings. You want to try to avoid these kinds of phrases: It’ll all be fine. It’ll all work out. Don’t worry about it. I don’t think you need to be this worked up about it. Phrases that include the word “just”. “You just need to pray about it.” “You just need to relax.” “Just talk to them.” “Just don’t worry about it so much.” While your intentions are good and you mean to encourage your spouse, these phrases signal that you think that what they’re going through is simple or no big deal. So, it’s actually a signal of dismissiveness of their experience. It’s the opposite of noticing and validating their emotions. Even though you mean to help your spouse feel safe and to reassure them that if they “just do this” everything will be okay, your spouse is receiving a signal that they can’t bring these feelings to you. Now you’re probably wondering, what should you do when your spouse shares their feelings, in order to create safety? What can you do to help them feel really safe? The way to un-upset your spouse while also ensuring they feel safe bringing their feelings to you, is to meet them in it, to help them feel seen, to be with them as their companion. When you do this, all of a sudden, this big thing is manageable. So, you want to co-regulate with your spouse. Signal to them, “I’m here with you. I’m feeling this with you. I’m not trying to send this away. I want you to know I’m right beside you with this.” Practical Takeaway Tip: Here’s a practical tip. The next time your spouse shares something personal with you, resist that urge to react and fix it immediately. Instead, just listen and say “I hear you,” “I appreciate you telling me this.” Or say, “I hear you, thanks for sharing this with me.” It’s a small change you can make that makes a huge difference. Acceptance: Love Without Conditions The third key fundamental to strong marriage communication and connection is acceptance. This is basically showing love without putting extra conditions on it. It can be simple phrases that we can communicate by just saying, “I care about what happens to you. I’m concerned about you as a person.” This is not scorning or scolding. It’s communicating in a genuine way, “Hey, I’m worried about you and I want what’s best for you. You and your problems are important to me.” This also includes acceptance around misbehavior. We don’t mean abusive behavior, but when your spouse is struggling, you can communicate, “You’re struggling, and it’s not the shiny side of you, but I love you.” You can say things like, “I’m not fond of what you’re doing right now, but I love you and I know there’s a better version of you in there who wants to do better, who can do better.” Acceptance is having that belief of “There’s something precious in here, and whatever has happened for you right now, it’s not coming out, but I want you to know I’m here. The love is here. You’re safe with me. You’re accepted.” One way to show acceptance in your marriage is to express appreciation and gratitude for your spouse. Even if there is something you’re struggling to appreciate or accept about your spouse right now, you can look for other things that you can appreciate. This sends the signal that you see the whole person, not just this behavior they’re struggling with right now, and you love them and accept who they are. A simple message like, “I love how thoughtful you are,” for example, can make a huge difference. Practical Takeaway Tip: Here’s a practical tip for showing acceptance to your spouse. This week, try this: Instead of pointing out something your spouse could improve, point out something you appreciate about them. Respect: Speaking Kindly, Even When Upset The fourth key for a strong marriage is to show respect, to speak kindly and respectfully, even when you’re upset. This, of course, is easy when we’re getting along, but it’s important to stick to this even when you’re not. In the research, there is this quote: Each spouse must learn to proceed on the fundamental conviction that nothing is so important as to warrant the violation of integrity in marriage – mine or my spouse’s.[iii] So, what is this saying in