Nowhere Close

Howdy everybody, welcome back to another episode of NWC, Kate & Olivia have a totally real and not a joke business idea. We discuss that dating isn't for marriage, dating is for consistent d... attention and that sometimes a peen doesn't work and that's ok, but something that isn't ok is being an asshole about it.  Also, Olivia cracked the code on how to give yourself the ick and not like anyone anymore. Xoxoxo LDs 

Come along, we cover a lot this week and none of it is what we planned on! Join us as we talk about all the good things that happen while naked and possibly the secret to an actually happy relationship? IDK but Kate feels confident in it. We also talk about womb age, why Olivia and Kate can't marry each other and also why we can't watch each other's favorite porn stars. Topics and laughs galore because we are free from QTeen and had a drink (or 4) on our patio before recording. Love you sloohs xoxo

Well guys, if you follow us on any of our personal socials, you know, Covid has struck the NWC girls. I know you're wondering: who? how? when? ARE WE OKAY? Well to find out how we were post diagnosis, give this ole epi number 40 a listen and get the scope. We also chat about the importance of physical health as we get older, mostly to have stamina so you can be a *bad bitch* on top. Disclaimer, we recorded with masks on so it may sound weird but we did our best because we loved you and needed some entertainment, also this was Day 1 so spirits were high. Stay safe & healthy LDs xoxo

Temperatures are on the rise and so our tensions in QTeen relationships. Now that we can actually see freedom (aka a vaccinated public) lining up with summertime, its not hard to see the correlation in couples fighting. Thus bring us to, Hot Girl (or boy) Summer. Life is about to change, time to have a conversation with your boo about the future. We don't mean marriage, more like going out and getting ratchet. Communication is key, as always. Xoxo

The NWC girls hate eye contact, which is good, but according to a ridiculous article Kate breaks down in this episode, it also counts as MICRO CHEATING. There's a few other ways to micro cheat and basically women can't do anything if we are trying to avoid that, its ridiculous and we don't think anyone actually believes this. A type of "cheating" people DO subscribe to revolves around social media. There is a phenomenon sweeping couples, FWB, crushes, whoever and that is following hot girls/guys on social and having your person get mad at you for it. For just FOLLOWING hot celebs or whatever. So we break down some social media etiquette and also hopefully remind you not to freak over little shit. So avoid eye contact, stay safe & let your bf follow J Lo in insta. Xoxo

We all know that person who is constantly with the Love of Their Life... except that person is ever changing. The "LOML" does not happen back to back to back to back. We see you on Facebook, swapping your significant other out like a teenage girls phone case circa 2012. Take a break, be single, and once your over that, let your friends find love for you! Like actually... find a friend like Kate who does not know boundaries, and let her set you up... or let her host a gameshow on Clubhouse... because that's what Kate is doing. Find out more by listening here and following us on all our socials (you'll have a good time). Also, Olivia gave a first date the boyfriend treatment & we put some heavy thought into engagement photos for two girls nowhere close to getting engaged (see what I did there? lol) xoxo, muthaf*ckin P.I.M.P

Millennial is synonymous for anything bad when used by a Boomer, and now, the Zoomers have jumped on the trash Millennials train, and we simply don't care (ok we care a little, mostly because Gen Z is taking credit for shit they shouldn't. Kate rocked an artist crop in high school).  As members of the generational punching bag, we have some reminders to those younger to remember their roots and be grateful we fought to have jeans that actually go higher than your uterus.  But before we get into that, we have a little VDay recap.  Also, Olivia's DMs are a madhouse, Kate's subconscious is an even bigger madhouse & if you're using the Google Form to ask one of us out, you can also use it to ask some questions.  Happy Wednesdays, LDs xoxo

And Wednesday's are for Nowhere Close. Who needs love when you can cry? Single or wifed up, both Olivia and Kate have shed at least a tear on Valentine's Day, 10 years running. There is a shot that in 2015, the tears were of laughter, but we were both way to trashed to remember for sure.  So saddle up and let's talk about the stupidest day of the year. Olivia might not hate it anymore, Kate doesn't hate it because she *loves love* but its still a stupid effing day full of cringe instas, a lot of red and too much pressure. Take a trip down memory lane with Kate and Olivia regarding V-Day's past, get some advice to keep it lowkey and not the worst day, and remember kids, you can always thirst trap the fuck out of these hoes, get someone in trouble for liking your hot ass self, wreak havoc, ruin someone else's day of love (jk...unless?) AND Olivia and Kate have some big news that we're super excited to share. Xoxo

No no, we're nowhere close (lol) to having the scandies that nudes bring come to an end, we ballpark it at 5-10 years. In the next decade, nudes will be commonplace and it won't be insane that our elected officials, powerhouse C-Levels and your town gossip will all have a little nip or tip action out there somewhere. So while yes, if we find out the president in 2036 has a nude, we're gonna look, but it would be cause for her to lose her job.  We'll get to the point of two questions:  1. Was it solicited? 2. Is it good? Happy Tuesday, go out, get the angles right, and make someone's day. Or start an OnlyFans, we support that too here at Nowhere Close. XO

After an ER trip and a lot of drugs, Kate is back but  certainly not better than ever, which is why we're flaming both genders. We as a community can do more when it comes to head and we're tired of pretending we can't.  We also dive into the true reason women don't have the post nut clarity men seem to be so fond of (and the one time we truly do). So listen up and take notes. And we cannot forget, a breakdown of some of the winning Tinder bios Olivia has come across this week and why there are so many people looking to building their polygamous (admit it, you read that as poly-GAM-ous) relationships. All in a week's work, amiright? Missed you little hoes xoxox

Whether you're licking, nibbling, f*cking or frying it up in a pan (wait what?) skin is IN.  I'm sure you all saw the weird cannibal sexts from C-List actor, A-List weirdo Armie Hammer. If you haven't, Google it RIGHT NOW, its downright wrong. Olivia and Kate take on these messages, where one should *in theory* draw the line (it def is before cannibal-esque sex... but like where?) and different flabs of skin you could have sex with. Kate also tells an uncomfortable story involving her first and last experience as the dominant one in bed.  Welcome back for your weekly installment of WTF xoxo

Welcome to 2021, all you singles have officially made it through the final engagement/baby announcement szn of the year, and we have until about Memorial Day to get a break from all that. So yay us. Listen to the NWC girls breakdown a Grandma Fetish, titty f*cking/motorboating a chick with small boobs and where the best place is to commit one of the most horrifying bodily functions. This is one you're gonna want headphones for, WE'RE BACK BABYYYY. Missed you little slores. New Year, Same Bullshit xoxo

Is there such thing as a bad gift? Or are you also just grateful to be thought of? Well, the NWC girls hunkered down in last week's snow storm with a bottle of wine each and explored this question. Olivia's mind may have been changed by the end of this, because Kate has received an objectively horrible gift, we think it may also convince you there is such thing as a bad gift. We also tackle when/what you should get for the person you're more than hooking up with, but less than dating, just in time for some last minute shopping. 'Tis the season LDs, we know you're on the naughty list, so here's our present to you xoxo

The NWC Girls tried to be *nice* during this holiday szn, resulting in a prompt reminder that people suck and we should never leave our bubble of two. Olivia talks about an almost date that is full of lessons, Kate reminds everyone that self sex (lol) is the only "safe" sex to stay Covid free & the Olivia brings up a special video she saw involving a cucumber, but not in the way you'd think.  So remember kids, stay mean, stay inside & stay "loving" yourself. Xoxo

S/o to our pop punk roots, but really, Olivia has a fire name for this episode that we cannot use, and I knew I couldn't come up with any better so bringing in a FOB tribute. We're back and ready to catch you up on some weird boy shit, gentlemen, keep on being creepy... Kate also gets weirdly in her feels about the first man who "broke her heart". She was 14, so take that as you want.  Happy to be back and talking to you beautiful little limp dicks xoxo

Gobble me, swallow me, its almost Thanksgiving Eve people. Historically, this day is for going back home, showing all the people you've known forever that you've gotten hotter (or stayed hot) and hooking up. We all know that the turkey isn't the only thing getting stuff on the last Thursday of November. But this is just another American tradition that Covid has taken away from us, however it has not stopped the strategic texting over the last week from occurring.  We also chat about how fantastic it is being single for the holidays, the holidays that see the most ass and the hands down least sexy holiday. Grab your stretchy pants and grab your headphones, we're getting saucy.

And there are some shitty frickin "friendships". Changing gears a little bit here and chatting about toxic friends and why we are too old to be dealing with them. Say it again with me: We Are Too Old To Deal With Shitty Friends. Listen to all the clichés about protecting your energy, elevating your life, cutting out those toxic people like dead ends. Those clichés exist because they're so true, it sounds dumb to have to say them outloud, should just be common sense.  So come hang with your *favorite* friends and we'll tell you about some of the shitty people that our now longer in our lives... because we do try to practice what we preach. xoxo

The music was in us during this recording and it shows. We sing our way through dating down, having pro athletes babies and the power that comes with who loves their partner a little less (which isn't a cool game to purposely play, btw). Also the brilliant idea of a new business venture emerges so stick around for that, it'll have you buzzing.  This epi is dedicated to Armando Christian Pérez. DM us if you know who that is ;)

Welcome back for another weekly installment of NWC, we're here to give you a little Halloweekend update, talk about the insanity of No Nut November and how subtle shot shooting is lost on Olivia. We also talk about the hard lesson every average to hot girl needs to learn, your guy friends either want to hook up with you rn, or have seriously thought about it in the past. Basically, they wanna see you naked. Also, if Olivia is mean to you OR nice to you, there's a chance she wants to hook up with you, so good luck figuring that one out!  Sit back, pour a glass of some sort of alcohol (I absolutely do not care if it is 10am) and escape from the Election Day bullshit with 41 minutes of more entertaining and stress free bullshit.  Xoxo, thinking of all you hotties

Move over young millennial men who last more than 7 minutes in bed, 80s babies with a knack for efficiency in bed is where its at, at least for the NWC girls (but we have a feeling a lot of women will agree). Long gone are the days of 45 minute. "is this almost over" sex, if you can't get me off fast, you probably just can't get me off.  You know who can get you off though? A man born between 1980 and 1989, we don't know if its the porn they watched, the lack of fuck boy indoctrination in their high school college years, or they've just been around the block, but we here on NWC have a hypothesis that 80s men know how to please a woman, so we're running an experiment, so far, looking like we're right. That said, we're still running a control group and a group "b", the younger men. So we'll also tell you about our cougar status. We also have a few PSAs that may be helpful, one involves eye contact with a butthole. So buckle up, put on some headphones and lets get into it. Happy Tuesday babies xo