ON BOYS Podcast

“Spicy” boys are those who express themselves in big and loud ways, feel things intensely, and have energy to spare, says Mary Van Geffen, a popular Instagrammer and parent coach for Spicy Ones.Spicy kids “have so much loyalty toward their own soul — and less to the adults’ agenda,” Mary says. They often are very persistent and quite emotionally intelligent. (Though often more attuned to their own emotions than others’.) It “can take a lot of energy to be with this child,” Mary notes.Spicy boys are often world-changers. Their tendency toward change, questioning, experimentation, and new ideas can be challenging for parents who want their boys to follow directions and obey.Calming your nervous system can help you effectively parent (and live with!) spicy boys. Taking regular “pause moments” is one way you can metaphorically “shut down all the tabs” in your brain, Mary says. Modeling meditation and pauses is also a powerful way to teach your boys how to manage their nervous systems.Setting Boundaries & ExpectationsParents of spicy boys should also get clear about their own boundaries and expectations. Before going to the grocery store together, for instance, “decide what are your non-negotiables,” she says, and share that with your kids. “You have to decide what’s okay with you because I think a lot of the ‘feeling judged’ parents feel actually occurs when you’re judging yourself: Oh, a good mom would…”You will need to clearly communicate your expectations to others who spend time with your kids, too. Communicate compassionately, especially when talking with parents and grandparents who may not understand the modern emphasis on consent and body boundaries, for instance. Set boundaries as needed, and remind yourself that good boundaries need reminders and reinforcements. “Don’t think for a minute that someone’s poor reaction to your boundary doesn’t mean it wasn’t a good boundary to set,” Mary says. “In some ways, it’s actually a validation. When someone gives you a very hard time for setting a boundary, it shows you that this a relationship that needs boundaries.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Mary discuss:Characteristics of a Spicy OneWhy shame-based discipline approaches don’t work with spicy boysHow your perceptions affect your parenting & relationship w your childParenting when you are spicy or highly sensitiveA sensual pause technique you can use to calm your nervous systemHow changing your voice can help you reach your kidsSetting boundaries & managing others’ expectationsGrocery shopping with boysLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:maryvangeffen.com – Mary’s websitehttps://www.instagram.com/maryvangeffen/ — Mary on InstagramHighly Sensitive People Can Thrive — ON BOYS episodeHighly Sensitive Boys with William Allen — ON BOYS episodeSensitive Boys (w Dr. Sandy Gluckman) — ON BOYS episodeBrain-Body Parenting w Dr. Mona Delahooke — ON BOYS episodePositive Intelligence: Why Only 20% of Teams and Individuals Achieve Their True Potential and How You Can Achieve Yours — book by Shirzad Chamine (recommended by Mary)Sponsor Spotlight: Green ChefHealthy, Organic, Meal Kit Delivery Service. Use promo code ONBOYS60 to get 60% off & free shipping!3 Green Chef meal kitsNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Our February 10 conversation with Dr. Mona Delahooke about her new book, Brain-Body Parenting:How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids, is ON BOYS’ Most Popular Episode of 2022.And no wonder: The Center for Childhood Development calls the book a “game-changer,” and Berkely’s Greater Good Magazine lists it #2 on its Favorite Parenting Books of 2022 list. Jen & Janet’s copies are both dog-eared & marked up because it’s packed with information and easy-to-implement strategies that can change your parenting for the better.It’s an episode you can listen to again and again because you’ll likely hear and implement different things each time. (At the very least, you’ll feel inspired and supported!) It’s a clear 2022 favorite: Brain-Body Parenting with Dr. Mona Delahooke was downloaded more than 13,000 times in 2022.Some highlights:It’s time to “move from focusing on behaviors to focusing on how each child perceives, understands, and interprets their world,” says Dr. Delahooke.and“You are witnessing the power of human resilience.”In this episode, Jen, Janet & Mona discuss:What is brain-body parenting?The link between the nervous system and behaviorGreen, red, and blue zones — an easy way to recognize a person’s current level of functioningChecks-ins vs. time-outsGetting curious about kids’ behaviorsBody budgetsParental self-careThe challenge zoneExpectation gapsCo-regulationParallels between toddlerhood & adolescenceHow unrealistic expectations for young boys cause problems for boys in schoolNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Which ON BOYS episodes were the Best of 2022? Some of our favorites!5. Raising LGBTQ AlliesChris Tompkins, author of Raising LGBTQ Allies: A Parent’s Guide to Changing the Messages from the Playground, recognized the power of unspoken messages when his then 6-year-old nephew asked him — an openly gay man — if the female friend with him was his girlfriend. In that moment, Chris realized that his nephew didn’t know he was gay. In conversations with adult family members the next day, Chris learned that most believed that his nephew wasn’t “old enough to understand.”4. How Microschools & Black Moms May End the School to Prison PipelineWhen they realized that schools wouldn’t change quickly enough to meet their kids’ needs, members of the Black Mothers Forum opened microschools, with an eye toward ending the school to prison pipeline.Existing school leaders and educators “really did not understand how to create a safe and supportive learning environment for our Black children,” says Janelle Wood, President of The Black Mothers Forum, Inc.3.  Myths & Misconceptions About BoysHow many do you believe?“Boys are easier than girls.”“Boys are less emotional than girls.”“Boys leave their families when they grow up.”“With boys, you don’t have to fight over clothing choices.”“There’s less to worry about with a son than a daughter when they’re teenagers and dating.”2.  Picky Eaters, Family Meals, & Nutrition“I felt confident going into parenting!” says Rebecca Toutant, a registered dietician who began her career helping children with autism and sensory issues expand their palate. “I thought my boys would be these really wonderful, adventurous eaters and we’d sit down at the dinner table and have such peaceful family meals.”…Children are naturally “neo-phobic,” or hesitant to try new things, Rebecca says. That’s a protective instinct. So, our kids look to us to see how we’re interacting with and reacting to food — & many, many, MANY exposures to a food (as many as 10-20) for a child to accept it.1. Brain-Body ParentingIt’s time to “move from focusing on behaviors to focusing on how each child perceives, understands, and interprets their world,” says Dr. Delahooke, a child psychologist and author of Brain-Body Parenting: How to Stop Managing Behavior and Start Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids and Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges.The autonomic nervous system is our “automatic nervous system,” she explains. It controls our bodies’ unconscious, non-voluntary reactions. Importantly, the triggers for each of us can be different.A few of our other 2022 favorites:Why are Video Games So Important to Boys?Sex Talks w TweensHelping Boys Develop Healthy Body ImageWhich were your favorite episodes of 2022?Need help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Linda Flanagan says youth sports are out of control.And she should know.Flanagan is a former youth athlete, cross country coach, mother of a young athletes, and the author of Take Back the Game: How Money and Mania are Ruining Kids' Sports - and Why It Matters.“If your goal is to cultivate a well-adjusted, responsible child who contributes to the family, then limiting T-ball, youth soccer & it’s ilk may be wisest," she says in her book. "Western parenting customs that put the child at the center - usually with the goal of engendering happiness among the young – also fragment families and erode self-sufficiency.”That's quite a different point of view than the traditional "sports teaches kids teamwork and builds character" POV. But while sports can teach teamwork and build character, so do other activities, such as working together as a family. And youth sports in the 21st century often include significant downsides, including massive investments of time and money, over-emphasis on children's achievements, and risk of over-use injuries.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Linda discuss:How youth sports have changed since you were a childThe high price of youth sportsHow over-emphasis on sport hurts kids, families, and communitiesPractical guidelines for integrating sports and family timeSetting boundariesHealthy sports parentingLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Take Back the Game: How Money and Mania are Ruining Youth Sports - and Why It Matters, by Linda Flanaganlindaflanaganauthor.com -- Linda's websiteCoaches Speak About Youth Sports -- ON BOYS episodeSports & Masculinity -- ON BOYS episodeHealthy Sports Parenting -- ON BOYS episodeHunt Gather Parent with Michaeleen Ducleff -- ON BOYS episodeNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Want to know how to motivate boys?Toss out your outdated beliefs about boys and men, says Maggie Dent, Australia's "boy champion" and author of From Boys to Men: Guiding Our Teen Boys to Grow Into Healthy, Happy Men. "Our boys aren't these tough, unfeeling humans," she says. "They've got incredibly tender hearts, and with appropriate guidance they can grow to shine."Boys Don't Want to FailBoys don't want to disappoint their parents. Or themselves. They don't want failing grades, lost homework, and dozens of uncompleted assignments. It may seem that way -- otherwise, they'd just do their work, right? But the reality is young, tween, and teen boys are still growing; they are still developing their organization and time management skills and sometimes (Ok, often), they fall behind. Nagging and browbeating them is not helpful. ("Of course that's not going to bring out the best in our boys," Maggie says.)"We've got to be careful that we don't treat our boys harshly," Maggie says. Instead, "we really need to build understanding so we can support them and help them navigate the world." Yet in many places, shame and punishment are still the primary tools used to "motivate" boys.Motivating BoysThe neurobiological changes of male puberty can actually affect boys' motivation -- and explaining that fact to young boys may prevent some negative self-talk that could otherwise further thwart their motivation.Helping boys understand that relevance of school assignments and house rules to their lives can also increase their motivation. A boy who knows why something is important to his life (and how it will help him with things that matter to him) is more likely to follow through than a boy who doesn't understand why you want him to do something that seems absolutely irrelevant to him.Boys may also need adult assistance to break down overwhelming, seemingly insurmountable tasks into smaller bits. Instead of telling a boy with failing grades to "bring up your grades," work with him to identify one subject to focus on. Together, develop a plan to pull up his grades in that one class. Support and encourage his efforts, and celebrate his achievements. His successes will fuel his sense of competence, which will lead to increased confidence."There's nothing better for confidence and motivation than small doses of success," Maggie says.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Maggie discuss:Why it’s essential to laugh w boysGiving boys time to growHow shame impedes boys’ motivationWhy so many boys struggle in middle school & high schoolPace of male developmentHelping boys with failing gradesResponding to boys’ “crazy plans” (Pro tip: The phrase “give it some thought” is your friend!)Empowering boys’ inner compassGaming & digital technologyThe power of positive noticingLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:MaggieDent.com — Maggie’s website (LOTS of good stuff here, including a link to her podcast, Parental as Anything, and links to her courses & books)From Boys to Men: Guiding Our Teen Boys to Grow Into Healthy, Happy Men, by Maggie DentGender Equality, Boys & Men — ON BOYS conversation w Richard V. Reeves (mentioned by Maggie)Maggie Dent: What Teenage Boys Really Need — 2020 ON BOYS episodeMaggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 1) — ON BOYS episodeMaggie Dent on Mothering Boys (Part 2) — ON BOYS episodeunpluggedpsychologist.com — website of Brad Marshall, the “unplugged psychologist” mentioned by MaggieNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Andrew Reiner says it’s essential to spend time nurturing boys’ mental health & resiliency.As a college professor, Reiner sees what happens when boys aren’t taught resiliency and don’t develop the skills they need to support mental wellness. “I started noticing a chasm between the effort that my male students was putting forward and the effort my female students were putting forward,” says Reiner, a professor in the English department at Towson University. The boys in his class were just as intelligent and capable as their female counterparts, but weren’t consistently completing assignments — or showing up to class. Many were also experiencing mental health challenges, including depression, anxiety, and burnout.Why College-Age Boys Struggle When Girls Don’tContrary to popular belief, nagging your son to complete and hand in homework (and study for tests) in middle school and high school will not necessarily prepare him for success in college. In many cases, parental pressure (& hovering) leads to chronic stress, and when parents (and teachers and society) focus more attention on academics than the development of coping skills, resiliency, and stress reduction techniques, boys may arrive at adulthood without the skills they need to protect and preserve their mental health.Because our culture expects boys and men to be strong and self-sufficient, many males lack support systems — and that’s a big part of why college-aged guys are struggling more than college-aged women.“There is positively no safety net,” Reiner says. “There is nothing.” Boys who have internalized the cultural imperative of self-sufficiency feel like they are “failing” as men when they struggle. And that sense of failure and the resulting shame makes it extremely difficult for boys to seek help and support.Build Relationships with Boys Instead of Pushing AcademicsBrowbeating boys about academics does not spur their to greater learning or achievement. Instead, in most cases, it fuels deep feelings of shame and failure, while weakening the connection between the boy and those who care about him.Shame and belittling lead to “repressed feelings of anxiety, depression, and hostility,” says Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity that Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency. “All it does is make boys feel like failures.”Focus instead on building and strengthening your relationship with your son. “Research says boys do better in relationships,” Reiner says. “Boys do better — and they thrive — when they are in relationships with adults who mean something do them.” Boys, he says, “want to know that they are liked and they are accepted.“We need to let them know that, regardless of their flaws, we love them and appreciate who they are becoming as young men.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Andrew discuss:Common mental health challenges for male college studentsHow (& why) a gap year can help college-aged menHow cultural expectations of masculinity hinder boys’ coping abilitiesThe corrosive effects of parental nagging about academicsBuilding meaningful relationships with boysTeaching boys what independence means & looks likeModeling & normalizing emotional languageLeading with empathy & curiosity instead of judgementThe 2 things boys need before they’ll open up to youWhy we must LISTEN to boysReconnecting with college-age boysFostering boys’ friendshipsLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:andrewreinerauthor.com –– Andrew’s websiteCollege Crisis: Male Students are Struggling Emotionally. Here’s How to Help. – Baltimore Sun op-ed by AndrewBetter Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity that Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, by Andrew ReinerNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Fostering gratitude in our boys can help them navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life.And despite what you may think, it is possible to foster an attitude of gratitude in apparently self-centered boys.Science has shown a strong link between kids’ developmental stages and gratitude. As children grow, they gradually learn that they are not the center of the universe, and they gradually — very gradually — learn that they must consider others’ feelings, desires, and needs as well. So, older teenagers are much more capable of feeling and expressing gratitude than younger children. In fact, according to a Harvard Health article, “gratitude is an attainment associated with emotional maturity.”In other words, your 7-year-old son is not supposed to be great at gratitude. He’s still developing the socioemotional skills that will allow him to perceive and appreciate all that others do for him.That said, there’s a lot you can do to nurture the development of gratitude in your sons.In this episode, Jen & Janet:The limits of role-modeling in teaching gratitudeHow emotional development affects gratitudeWhy boys w ADHD may struggle with gratitudeDevelopmentally appropriate expectationsGratitude’s benefitsCreating a culture of service and volunteeringDrawing kids’ attention to the many ways others hep themHow wonder & awe create appreciationConcrete steps you can take to teach boys gratitudeHow keeping a gratitude journal can help combat anxiety and depressionLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Teaching Boys Social Skills — ON BOYS episode featuring ADHD expert Ryan WexelblattParenting Boys with Maggie Dent (Part 1) — ON BOYS episode featuring Australia’s “boy champion”In Praise of Gratitude — Harvard Health articleSeven Ways to Foster Gratitude in Kids — Greater Good magazine articleNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Parenting teenage boys is a challenge. And an opportunity.In some ways, says child and adolescent psychologist Lee Bare, parenting a teenage boy is like parenting a newborn. “You have to be prepared for anything and you never know what kind of mood they’re going to wake up in,” says Lee, who is also the mother of three teenage sons. The angst and worry that parents experience during the boys’ teenage years also recalls the frantic worries and sleepless nights of the newborn stage.Just as in parenting newborns, it can be helpful to put some of your own expectations to the side and focus instead of meeting your son “where he is,” Lee says.Dealing with Adolescent SeparationIt is completely normal for teen boys to pull way from their parents. Your son may not talk to you (or want to hang out with you) as much when he’s a teen as he did when he’s younger. That’s OK and developmentally appropriate.It’s also OK for parents to grieve the loss of closeness with their sons. But instead of focusing your energy on what you’ve lost, concentrate on the kind of relationship you’d like to have with your son when he’s older. Work on building that relationship. “I want them to want to spend time with me when they’re adults,” Lee says. (Pro tip: Nagging your son about the time he spends with his friends or alone in his room won’t likely lead to that desired result.)Adapting Your Parenting for Teenage BoysYour parenting has to evolve and grow as your boys do. When your son starts pushing back on things like bedtime and curfew, it may be time to revisit (and renegotiate) your expectations. Boys crave more control over their lives as they get older, and they need opportunities to manage their own time and make independent choices (and mistakes).During your boys’ teen years, you can adapt traditional parenting practices to your family’s needs. You may not be able to have dinner together every night — or even most nights. “We have kind of an open, revolving door dinner,” Lee says. “Dinner is ready and then people kind of rotate in and out.” Where and what you eat doesn’t matter; what’s powerful about “family dinner” is communication, and you can maintain communication in all sorts of non-traditional ways.When you are concerned about your son’s behavior, ask yourself if it’s a big deal in the bigger picture. (Long term, does it really matter if he doesn’t turn in his math homework?) “Look at what’s important for your family to place value on, and what’s OK to let go,” Lee says, “because you don’t have time to respond to every single thing.”It’s also helpful to try to put yourself in your son’s shoes. Think about what matters to him, what he likes, and what makes him feel safe and loved. (Hint: it might not be a big hug or kiss from mom)“Teenage boys want connection,” Lee says. “They just don’t necessarily connect the same way we do.”In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Lee discuss:How parenting teenage boys is like parenting a newbornDealing with adolescent separationFinding time for family dinners when your boys have busy extra curricular schedulesMaintaining connection with teen boysDifferentiating normal vs. “not normal” (or concerning) teen boy behavior (Hint: look at past behavior)Letting goTeen boys & schoolSupporting parents of teensCoping with our feelings of isolation and shame when our boys do something dumb or damagingBoys who “don’t want to do anything”Helping teen boys navigate friendshipsHow to support teenage boysSelf-care for parents of teensAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Dads matter. Men matter. To become their best, boys need involved dads and male teachers, coaches, & mentors. But when Marion Hill began working in early childhood education in Phoenix, he “noticed there weren’t a lot of fathers around,” he says. Recognizing dads’ importance to kids’ social, emotional, and cognitive development, Marion devoted his effort to engaging dads. He co-founded of M.A.N. C.A.V.E (Men All Need to be Caring Actively-Engaged, and Encouraged), a fatherhood program designed to encourage fathers/male role models to be actively engaged in their child’s growth and development through training, monthly meetings and father-child activities. “When fathers are involved, children are more successful in school and life,” Marion says. “When fathers are not engaged, we see a 269% increase in the likelihood of a child being arrested for drug dealing or firearms possession, and the child is twice as likely to drop out of high school and seven times more likely to become a parent as a teen.” To thrive, children need both paternal nurturance and maternal nurturance. Paternal nurturance is “all about doing,” Marion says. Maternal nurturance is about empathy and interpersonal relations. Moms and dads “do things differently and it benefits the child,” he says. Most men want to be involved parents. But they need to be invited in by educational institutions, healthcare providers, and other parents. Bringing fathers into schools and healthcare settings would help kids, parents, teachers, and healthcare providers – and show boys (and girls) that males have a role to play in education, health, and childcare.“We need to get rid of this perception that there is no use for fathers,” Marion says. Each of us has a role to play in supporting father involvement.In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Marion discuss:Benefits of father involvementFinding father figures or male mentorsDad-style parentingDifferences between paternal nurturance and maternal nurturanceObstacles to father involvementInviting & supporting dad engagementEncouraging boys & men to consider nurturing professionsUnconscious bias that affects father involvementLinks we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:M.A.N C.A.V.E Fatherhood ProgramMichael Gurian on Raising Boys – ON BOYS episodeDads, Boys, & Masculinity – ON BOYS episodeGender Equality, Boys and Men – ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. ReevesNeed help with your boys?Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys BulletinJoin Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Reading and literacy are important life skills. But many boys struggle with reading and writing -- and resist parents' and teachers' well-intended efforts to help them. Lots of boys are reluctant readers. Many hate writing. Teaching boys to read Middle school literacy instructional coach Todd Feltman says, "reading has to be taught in increments," especially for young boys who typically come into schools with a developmentally appropriate preference for play and movement. Boys, he says, "shouldn't be forced to learn how to read. It should be a gradual process" that started with phonemic awareness and includes frequent exposure to high interest, culturally relevant books that align with boys' pre-existing interests. To help middle school boys, teachers and parents must first understand boys' lived experience, including their previous experiences with reading and writing. "We have to help find reading material that will interest our boys - and model what pleasurable reading looks like," Feltman says. Audiobooks and podcasts can also support boys' literacy development. "Audiobooks and podcasts are wonderful because they give boys a chance to visualize," Feltman says. "They can also help boys develop fluency." (Another plus: Boys can be active while developing their vocabulary & comprehension skills!) Also helpful: book clubs for boys. (Wanna know more? Check out How & Why to Start a Boys' Book Club.) Teaching boys to write Supporting boys as they learn to read will also aid in the development of boys' writing skills. "Weak readers tend to be weak writers," Feltman says. Letting boys draw and discuss their ideas before asking (or requiring) them to write a story or report is helpful. You can also encourage boys to use to voice-to-text apps to dictate stories if handwriting or keyboarding is difficult for them. With minimal effort, you can build boys reading and literacy skills AND have fun. In this episode, Jen, Janet, & Todd discuss: * Whether expecting 5 and 6-yr old boys to read is developmentally appropriate * Reading as a multi-faceted experience * The role of role-modeling in literacy development * How parents can build boys' literacy skills while buffering school expectations * Incorporating movement & literacy * Using audiobooks, podcasts, & book clubs to support boys' literacy development * Supporting boys' writing development * Easy ways to build boys reading and literacy skills * How to find boy-friendly books * The value of family reading time Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: toddfeltman.com -- Todd's website How (& Why) to Start a Boys' Book Club -- ON BOYS episode Secret Saturdays, by Torrey Maldonado -- great book for boys, recommended by Todd at 16:18 Diper Overlode (Diary of a Wimpy Kid Book 17), by Jeff Kinney -- great book for boys, recommended by Todd at 16:58

What does Janet's 8-month-old grandson have in common with a bunch of guys throwing darts at each other in a dark basement? A fascination with objects moving through space --  a nearly universal male tendency that Janet is witnessing in real-time as her grandson delights in pushing, pulling, and moving objects that are bigger than he is. You can learn so much about boys by simply observing them. It's not always easy to take (or make) time to do so -- especially when you're in the thick of parenting -- but those moments of observation help you understand the boy in front of you. They help you connect, and may even help calm your overwhelmed brain. Parenting (& child development) unfolds over time. "None of this happens over a moment or in a day," Jen says. You don't have to address every problem or issue immediately. Sometimes, Jen says, "the best thing you can do is go to bed." The problem will still be there in the morning, and you'll likely have a bit more energy and perspective. Remember that your son's actions are not a reflection of your parenting skills. Being a "good parent" doesn't mean that your son will never misbehave or make ill-advised choices. It means consistently loving, supporting, and nurturing your son through it all. In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: * Grandparenting * Boys' interest in movement * Surviving parenting * Resisting consumer culture * Patience & parenting * What educators don't know about boys * Jen & Janet's recent adventures Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Michael Gurian on Raising Boys -- ON BOYS episode Parenting, Privilege, & Building a Just World -- ON BOYS episode featuring Sarah Jaffe Holding the Calm with Hesha Abrams -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 18:37) Gender Equality, Boys, & Men -- ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World that Misunderstands Males -- Jen's 2nd book! Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Why do boys....do what they do? Bringing up boys brings up all kinds of questions! Jen & Janet have answers. Photo by Pixabay Tamara asks: Why do boys communicate through physical touch/aggression and use sarcasm for communication rather than regular conversation? Katrina worries that her son may be alienating himself from his friends -- and missing out on social opportunities -- because he's so dedicated to his sport. She says: I'm afraid he's distancing himself from his friends and will one day find himself without them. How do I bring it up without seeming like a nag?? Elena wants help answering her son's question: My older son complained that, “all the girls wear ‘girl power’ shirts… why don’t they have ‘boy power’-type shirts?” and says:  My son wants to feel powerful and able to say it without being considered a pompous ass. But… how? Are there any “boy power” slogans and tees that don’t undermine others or make him look like our family doesn’t respect the accomplishments of all types of people?? Jessy asks: Will raising a strong-willed boy be too challenging for elder and sick parents to handle when he reaches teenage age? In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: * Boy communication * Sarcasm vs. disrespect * Roughhousing & aggression * Whether parents should push boys to socialize * Helping boys navigate girl power * Raising strong-willed boys * Parenting when you're not physically or emotionally well * Intergenerational friendships * Asking for help Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotion, & Play -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 14:37) The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS episode (mentioned at 15:48) Boys Get Eating Disorders Too -- ON BOYS episode featuring Oona Hanson (mentioned at 20:56) Helping Boys Develop Healthy Body Image -- ON BOYS episode Gender Equality, Boys, & Men -- ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves (mentioned at 25:34) This Boy Can Tshirts -- super awesome shirts that'll make boys feel great! My Boy Can with Sassy Harvey -- ON BOYS podcast (mentioned at 30:03) Parenting Through Health Challenges -- ON BOYS podcast featuring Jen Singer (mentioned at 33:31) Need help with your boys? Subscribe to Jen’s newsletter, Building Boys Bulletin Join Janet Allison’s real-time, monthly group coaching program, Decoding Your Boy  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Holding the calm, says Hesha Abrams, is an essential skill for resolving conflict and diffusing tension. Conflict and tension trigger an individual's amygdala, the "reptilian" part of the brain that initiates the flight-flight-or-freeze response. And when the amygdala is activated, the human body goes into a refractory state for about 20 minutes. Our eyes and ears only take in limited data. Attempting to reason with a person in a refractory state is a waste of time and energy because it's like "pouring water on dry ground," says Abrams, an internationally recognized mediator and author of Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension. Telling a person who's emotionally upset to "calm down" won't usually help. When the amygdala is active, a person will either fight or flee in response to those words. (Think about it: Has telling your upset son to "calm down" ever really helped? More likely than not, he's gotten even angrier and stormed away.) How to Hold the Calm When you are upset or emotionally triggered, Abram suggest repeating this mantra to yourself: I am holding the calm. I am holding the calm. I am holding the calm. Repeating that phrase reminds you that you have power and choices -- and that gives you a "moat" around your feelings and allows you to take your time and choose what you want to do. Doing this in front of your kids also shows them how to take care of themselves. You're modeling emotional regulation, and your kids will learn from your example. Handling Big Emotions with Teens Vuc 'em! VUCS is an acronym that means Validate, Understand, Clarify, Summarize. Validating can include simply naming the emotion you see and hear your child expressing. Your child (vigorously) disagree with your assessment, but if you calmly name the emotion ("You seem angry."), your child may also calm a bit because they feel seen and heard. "Naming the emotion drains 50 percent of the poison out," says Abrams, who's successfully used this technique in many negotiations. Then, you can ask some question to help understand and clarify what's going on. Summarize the situation next. The whole process often takes less time than you'd expect -- and is significantly more efficient than most alternatives. (Think about a fight with your teen, Abrams says. How long does that typically take?) A day or so later, during a moment of calm, you can say something like, "Let's talk about how we can help each other understand each other better, because I love you, respect you, value you and want to be able to do this better for you," Abrams says. Then, you can teach your son some simple techniques he can use to manage his big emotions. In this episode, Janet, & Hesha discuss: * What spaghetti sauce can teach us about conflict * How your brain and body respond to conflict * How to stay calm in the midst of conflict and tension * Helping teens handle big emotions * How modeling & teaching your son to "hold the calm" can help him learn to respect women & choose a good mate * Paradigm shifts that help us reframe "disrespectful" and annoying behavior * Teaching self-soothing behavior to boys * What to do instead of fighting about screens Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: holdingthecalm.com - Abram's website

Like us, Teacher Tom is concerned about how we raise our boys. "In our culture, we have a society where men are lonely, men have higher suicide rates and  men are more prone to violence, and sexual abuse. And I don't think that's in the nature of men. I think it's somehow in the nature of how we're raising men," says Tom Hobson, aka "Teacher Tom," a preschool teacher at Woodland Park Cooperative Schools. "A big piece of it -- and huge piece of it -- is around emotions." The only negative emotion males are allowed in society, he says, is anger. Boys as young as 4 and 5 begin walling off their emotions. "We treat boys and girls differently, and we treat their emotions differently," Tom says. "We need to let them know that whatever they feel, it's OK to feel that." Of course, giving kids time and space to experience their emotions isn't always easy when you're being pulled in a thousand different directions. Whenever possible, though, Tom suggests prioritizing the people who need support with their emotions. Allowing wrestling and roughhousing can also help boys manage their emotions and friendships. "Wrestling can be an act of love between boys," Tom says, noting that many adults (especially women) misunderstand boys' motives and stop what they view as aggression. "It you watch two boys wrestling, most of the time, they are paying such close attention to each other, to one another's bodies and their facial expressions. Half the time, they're looking into each other's eyes as they're wrestling, and it is a beautiful thing to see." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Tom discuss: * Males in early childhood education * The influence of gender expectations on emotional development * Helping boys deal with emotions * Societal changes that have made it difficult for families to thrive ("We've made parenting unnecessarily difficult," Tom says.) * The role of bickering in boys' development * Creating a "yes space" in your house * Boys' friendships * What female teachers & parents misunderstand about boys, wrestling & roughhousing * Agreements vs rules * Why you have to give boys time to respond * Teaching boys consent * Encouraging curiosity, wonder & questioning * Loose parts play Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Teacher Tom -- Tom's blog Teacher Tom's Facebook page It "Works" Every Time -- Tom's 2019 blog post about creating space to finish a cry (mentioned at 13:47) Teacher Tom's Play Summit 2021 -- FREE online summit, June 20-25 (mentioned at 50:17) The Art of Roughhousing (w Dr. Lawrence Cohen) -- ON BOYS episode Why Boys Do What They Do - classic Building Boys blog post, mentioned at 43:46 Sponsor Spotlight: Hiya Health HEALTHY children’s vitamins — no sugar or “gummy junk” included! Made from a blend of 12 farm-fresh fruits & veggies, Hiya Health vitamins are the easy way to get your boys the nutrition they need.  Use discount code ONBOYS at checkout to save 50%. Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Wouldn't it be great if boys came with a magic decoder ring to help you decode their mysteries and moods?  Dr. Cara Natterson's book, Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons, is the next best thing. If you have boys, you'll want to add this one to your bookshelf (or check it out from your library) right now -- and you'll definitely want to read it before your son hits puberty. Which may come a lot sooner than you expected. According to Dr. Natterson -- a pediatrician, mom of two and author of Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys -- the first changes of puberty can begin as early as age 9. But because those early changes are largely invisible to parents' eyes, we may misunderstand our boys' mood swings and behavior. And because our culture has long ignored male puberty, many of us simply allow our boys to self-isolate behind closed doors, instead of talking to them about the changes they're experiencing. That's a mistake, Dr. Natterson says: Not talking to your son about his evolving physical, emotional and social self is the biggest parent trap of them all. Kids, she's learned, are hungry for information. "They will take good information and run with it," Dr. Natterson says. "If we just tell them no and don't give them the why, they don't listen." But while girls have been encouraged to share their voices, opinions and experiences in recent years, boys...haven't. Historically, "neither boys nor their parents nor the world around them" has expressed a willingness to talk frankly about erections, voice changes and body image, Dr. Natterson says. She argues that it's time for parents to push past their discomfort and engage boys in conversation. "There isn't one perfect way to do this," she says. "My best advice is, it's not one conversation; it's thousands. It's many, many conversations over many years, so you have lots of opportunities to try it many different ways." In this episode, Jen, Janet & Cara discuss: * Why it's OK to let your teen boys sleep late * What the coronavirus crisis and shutdowns are teaching us about kids' physical and emotional needs * The difference between making kids do something vs. educating them * Why boys go quiet around puberty * Getting boys to talk * Late-blooming boys * Brain development during adolescence (a.k.a, why boys can be so smart and so dumb, at the same time!) * Why boys take more risks when surrounded by friends * Boys, body image & eating disorders * How to tell if your son's fixation on fitness is healthy or harmful Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Decoding Boys: New Science Behind the Subtle Art of Raising Sons -- Cara's book worryproofmd.com -- Dr. Natterson's online home; includes a link to her newsletter Guy Stuff: The Body Book for Boys -- one of Cara's puberty book for boys LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter: 

Managing emotions -- our boys, & our own -- is challenging in the best of times. This, most definitely is not the best of times. We're cooped up in our houses with kids who miss their friends and activities. With boys who no longer have soccer or baseball practice to help them burn off some energy. In the midst of a global pandemic that's upended all of our routines. While we ourselves are experiencing great emotional turmoil. We can't just simply brush our emotions to the side, or expect our children to function like normal.If we're to survive this pandemic with our sanity intact, we need some tools for managing emotions. Ellen Dodge is a  speech-language pathologist and boy advocate who has spend the last 3 decades helping children understand and express emotions. She says "this is a time for us to steady our ships and learn how to communicate feelings, to make things a little bit better." Not sure how to do that? Ellen shares some some super useful tips: * Stop talking so much. Boys can easily become overwhelmed by words. Stop asking what, where, when, why so much. Try quiet instead. Make space for them to speak. * Try "tell me the story." When you see your guys doing something -- positive or negative -- ask them to tell you the story behind their actions. If you see a feeling on your son's face, ask him to tell you the story behind the feeling. * Make feelings concrete. Boys tend to be hands-on learners; they do best when they can touch, feel and manipulate whatever it is they're learning about. You can use plush toys (like Kimochis) to help boys name and identify emotions, or you can do something silly (but effective) like write "feeling words" (happy, scared, frustrated) on a white board and allow your son to "shoot" his feelings with a Nerf gun. * Normalize feelings. Talk about them. Let your kids know that all people (even parents!) have feelings and that we all make mistakes as we figure out how to manage them. Explicitly say, "We all get re-dos." Become a "second-chance family." * Set expectations: "You can be made, but you can't be mean." Brainstorm acceptable ways to express anger & frustration. * Stop & reset. When your kid is exhibiting behaviors you don't like, stop for a minute and imagine that he's not your kid. This mental exercise can allow you to see that situation more clearly and stop catastrophizing. (Yes, your 2-yr-old might be biting now, but he most likely will not be biting people at 16, no matter what you do in the next moment.) Use the 5-5-5 tool: Ask yourself: Will this person be doing this behavior in the next 5 minutes? 5 weeks? 5 years? In this episode, Jen, Janet & Ellen discuss: * Big feelings in small spaces * Why boys may struggle emotionally when confined to home * How to stop over-reacting to your son's feelings * Techniques you can use to help boys manage their emotions * How physical activity helps boys process emotions * Why should should focus on connection, not communication * Why it's OK to admit that you don't know what you're doing * How social distancing might give our kids the chance to rediscover themselves Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Kimochis -- toys, tools and free resources to help children manage their emotions The Parenting Partner -- in... Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Kara Kinney Cartwright has a message for teenage boys & young men: just don't be an asshole. The mom of two grown sons, Kara began writing Just Don't Be an Asshole: A Surprisingly Necessary Guide to Being a Good Guy as her sons were preparing to head out into the world. The project was inspired, in part, by her anxiety (have I taught them everything they need to know?) and, in part, by cultural changes. Thanks to the #MeToo movement and a slew of highly publicized stories of powerful men behaving badly, parents everywhere are wondering how to raise boys who won't be jerks. Or assholes. Kara's book is designed "to provide young men with a framework for how to treat others -- and themselves -- with respect and dignity." She hopes the book will help parents and teens at a critical (and challenging) juncture in life, noting that teens are less likely to listen to their parents during adolescence, even as the consequences of bad decisions loom ever larger. The best part? Because she's a mom of boys, Kara's advice is grounded in humor and respect. She knows that asshole-y behavior is incredibly common and normal during the teen years, and doesn't shame boys. Instead, she shows them how a mature man behaves. As she writes in the book, Acting like an asshole doesn't mean you're a bad person. It doesn't even necessarily mean you're an asshole. What it means is that you don't understand how your man-sized presence is affecting other people in the moment and how THAT is going to affect YOU in the long run." Note: We recorded this episode before coronavirus shutdowns were common across the United States. For up-to-date information regarding coronavirus & COVID-19, visit cdc.gov and who.int. In this episode, Jen, Janet & Kara discuss: * What her sons think about her book * "Normal" teenage development * Important life lessons to teach your son (what to do if you get in a car accident, how to act on a job interview, etc.) * Why boys are often assholes to their families * How to help you boys recognize that other people are human beings * Boys, sarcasm and "hilarious" sexist and racist comments * Talking to teen boys about coronavirus * Helping boys understand the consequences of their decisions * Why you must give boys specific suggestions and language to use Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: Just Don't Be an Asshole: A Surprisingly Necessary Guide to Being a Good Guy -- Kara's book Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein -- our conversation w Peggy about her book, Boys & Sex (mentioned at 19:11)

Photo by Valerie Everett via Flickr Raising boys brings up all kinds of questions. No matter how long you've been parenting, educating or working with boys, you're bound to stumble into a situation that you don't quite know how to handle -- on a weekly basis. At least. In this listener Q & A, we tackle some evergreen questions. Jen also tells you about a time she lied to her parents. :) Matt asks: How do you help boys find their own, positive path in an increasingly girl-dominated environment? Strong, confident, high-achieving girls are a good thing — but in my son’s high school they tend to be far more involved overall, from my observations. The boys just shrink from it all. How do we help them work within this reality to carve their own path? Penny wonders what to do if... a teacher isn't listening and empathetic. My son flourished when he felt understood and liked by his teachers. It makes sense. Who wants to spend all day every day with a person who you think doesn't understand you, like you, or want you there? When the "I like YOU" dynamic is there, the behavior and academics naturally improve. Jacquie asks: What is within the range of normal when it comes to genital exploration, more so on others, for kids 8 and under. Lauren asks: Why do toddlers hit and, more importantly, how do you deal with it? My son is 3 and recently started hitting and kicking and throwing things during tantrums. I feel stuck. I dont want to spank. When I walk away he gets frantic. When I try to hug him he pushes me away. I end up just sitting there with him hitting me repeating over and over "Hitting isn't nice, we don't hit, stop hitting". I want to understand what's happening and what I should do. What questions do YOU have about raising boys? Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: All About E-Sports -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 6:39 Here's How to Motivate Teen Boys: Encourage Them to Take Risks -- Your Teen article by Jen, that touches on ways parents can support boys' interests and build motivation Emails & Phone Calls from Teachers -- ON BOYS episode (includes the story of Sam & his art teacher, mentioned at 14:51) Helping Teachers Understand Boys -- ON BOYS episode Talk to Boys About Sex with Amy Lang -- ON BOYS episode mentioned at 27:52 LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:   Use this link Facebook:  Use this link Linkedin:  Use this link STAY CONNECTED WITH JANET & JEN: Join the Building Boys FB group and the Boys Alive! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

How are you coping with coronavirus?  Our lives have undergone some pretty massive disruptions over the past few weeks, and it looks like more changes may be on the horizon. We'll all learning new ways of connecting and communicating -- and we're all a bit scared and overwhelmed. That's why we recorded & released this special bonus episode. It's packed full of practical advice and inspiration. Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: ZOOM Video Conferencing - We use ZOOM to record our podcast. You can use it to connect with your friends and loved ones too. It's FREE for calls under 40 minutes.  Use our affiliate link to sign up today. http://boysalive.as.me -- Sign up for a Breakthrough Session with Janet (she's currently waiving the fee for this call.) Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands Privacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

Two years. More than 100 episodes covering important topics such as boys & sex, masculinity, ADHD, mental health, honesty & so much more. But on our SECOND anniversary, we're most grateful for the relationships we've created. We're no longer simply co-hosts or colleagues; we're friends. We enjoy talking to one another as much as (we hope) you enjoy listening to us. We're also grateful for the professional connections we've made as a result of this podcast. This year alone, we spoke with Steve Biddulph, Peggy Orenstein, Phyllis Fagell, Dr. Vanessa LaPointe, Michael C. Reichert & dozens of other on-the-ground boy advocates. It may seem, sometimes, that boys are an after thought in today's world, but we've learned that there a lot of smart, caring, committed people who care deeply about boys and their future. We're thankful for YOU, our listeners. You inspire and motivate us. In fact, we'd like to get to know you better, so we can better meet your needs. Will you please take a few minutes to complete our first-ever Listener Survey? CLICK HERE! In this episode, Jen & Janet discuss: * The importance of humor in raising boys * How parenting keeps us grounded * ON BOYS' origin story * How Jen & Janet learned so much about boys * Why one-size-fits-all answers don't work * Our individual quirks Will you do us a favor? Take 5 minutes to complete our Listener Survey? Click here: ON BOYS Listener Survey -- we want to know you better, so we can serve up the information you need! Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode: The Role of Memes in Teen Culture -- Jen's New York Times article, mentioned at 4:26 Introducing Co-Hosts Janet & Jen -- our very first ON BOYS episode, mentioned at 9:27 Sex, Teens & Everything in Between, by Shafia Zaloom -- book recommended by Peggy Orenstein during our Boys & Sex conversation, mentioned at 25:25 LIKE THIS EPISODE? Share it with your friends (and thanks!): Twitter:   Use this link Facebook: