Claim OwnershipOn Her Way - with Grief and Loss by Beryl Botman
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The true-life journey of a woman dealing with the sudden death of her husband
is documented in two volumes, With (-out) You and Still, love remains. It’s a
turmoil of raw emotions, grief, acceptance and coping – going on with life, when
life as she knew it ended.
In With (-out) You Beryl Botman is in a year long conversation with her late
husband, Russel Botman, immediately after his passing. Still, love remains
portrays the following four years in the form of letters she writes to him.
Ten years after his passing she is rethinking and making further sense of the
events and experiences. These podcasts are some attempt at interpreting her
storytelling and broadening the discussion on the different topics and themes,
like shock and dealing with other moarners. She also shares more about herself
as author and self-publisher as well as readers’ responses to her books.
is documented in two volumes, With (-out) You and Still, love remains. It’s a
turmoil of raw emotions, grief, acceptance and coping – going on with life, when
life as she knew it ended.
In With (-out) You Beryl Botman is in a year long conversation with her late
husband, Russel Botman, immediately after his passing. Still, love remains
portrays the following four years in the form of letters she writes to him.
Ten years after his passing she is rethinking and making further sense of the
events and experiences. These podcasts are some attempt at interpreting her
storytelling and broadening the discussion on the different topics and themes,
like shock and dealing with other moarners. She also shares more about herself
as author and self-publisher as well as readers’ responses to her books.
24 Episodes
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Charlene Nissen and I have been friends for more than 45 years, and through all that time we’ve managed to stay deeply connected. Our conversations have always carried both laughter and honesty, and the support we give each other has never wavered. We began our teaching journeys in different communities on the Cape Flats, yet our paths have always felt intertwined. Charlene’s heart for inclusive education led her first into specialist teaching, and later into the world of higher education, where her passion continues to shine.
Belinda Jackson translated both my books, "With (-out) You" and "Still, love remains". Having trusted her with sensitive content of my story, our conversation explores her career path leading up being a language practitioner who works delicately with content in journalistic, editing and translation practices.
Beryl Botman invites her last born, Roxanne Botman, to join her on her couch. This conversation explores their relationship and life together after the loss of her father. Roxanne also reflects on the books about grief and loss that Beryl wrote.
I mean this quite literally. Finding my way, mostly on my own takes much courage, determination and confidence. I mean traveling locally or anywhere else in the world takes definite decision making including finding travel mates or taking to the road on my own. I’ve tried breaking the routine of the daily grind by traveling in different ways, and might I add, very rewardingly.
Having written With (-out) You / Sedert die dood ons skei and Still, love remains / Steeds bly die liefde led to the challenge of publication. I found it to be not such a simple matter. Having not been able to find a willing established publisher, I had to make another plan. In fact, my process led to self-publication. This was a world completely foreign to me and I had to learn much and fast. Here is what I did to self-publish my books.
Telling stories is not only one of the ways to shine a light on our lives, it is living our lives, sharing our lives. In With (-out) You / Sedert die dood ons skei and Still, love remains / Steeds bly die liefde I told part of my story, the story of my loss and grief. I wish to give you a glimps of the process I followed.
Choosing where to live continually proves to be a deeply emotional decision. However, those decisions also have to be practical and financially sound taking your new circumstances into account. And all of this during a highly stressful and demanding period of your life and moving house just seems too much to have to cope with.
Going public with my psychic encounters is challenging because it might be a touchy subject in some communities, including the ones I live in. Glad, though to share such valuable insights into myself, parts of me I would otherwise be unaware of and mostly confirming readings into my life situation. Psychic encounters brought affirmation, new direction, a sense satisfaction and connectedness beyond the here and now. Peace.
At first and for a long time, love interests, other than the love lost, seems unimaginable. It takes real courage to open oneself up again for new possibilities and this might not come without it’s own complications. Opening up exposes one’s vulnerability, you have to protect yourself and at the same time try not to expect to find another Russel.
The death of my beloved, my love confused my understanding of love. The death of my beloved, the love of my life, confused my understanding, my knowledge and experience of this love. The feedback to my book further moved me into rethinking love in its new form.
The beginning of a new year might be as good a time any to consider how to consciously release your pain and sorrow. Dig deep inside yourself to get in touch and let the inner you flow. Be creative and let it go.
Is the first year of grief really the worst? Remembering and feeling the physical absence on all your significant days can be really traumatic. Days of celebration, remembrance and sadness continues throughout the first year. Does it stop or even just get better thereafter if you lean into them?
You are responsible for your own well being. You don’t only have to take extra care of your health for the period immediately after your loss to see you through the most critical period but it should be a longterm commitment. Health matters not only includes your body but also your mind, emotions and spirit. Pay all of these your attention and take care of yourself.
Suddenly so many people have much to say about your money. Making considered decisions about how to handle your financial affairs becomes very important especially when you have to take into account that this is what you have to make do with for the rest of your life. Whatever you do, don’t take any advice from those not knowledgable or qualified to do so.
While busy winding up the late estate and closing down the activities of your beloved, you might be called upon to attend and even participate in events that commemorate his/her/their life. These may find conflicting spaces in your head and heart. Consider them very carefully and seriously. The question is: How do I think my beloved should be remembered?
The business of your deceased loved one needs to be wound up. Winding up an estate is not only legal and financial matters. It is also deeply emotional . Documents used during one’s lifetime find an all-important place in your life following the death of you beloved. Along with the documents come processes and procedures to be followed or executed. You cannot do this on your own.
Upon reflection I see the first week as the most intense, and not the following week as well. Therefore I make a break and speak about the question: Why am I doing this? I reflect on the reasons for my writing process five years after the passing. I explore the reasons for this podcast, after five more years. I explore what has lead me to the decision to write and speak about my grieving process, why writing as an outlet, the planning process and the genre.
Arranging and attending the funeral of the love of your life is certainly one of the most difficult events to have to organise at a time when events management is the very last priority on your agenda. Looking back on the role I played and the luxury of hindsight, I would have done it differently, or maybe not. Russel and I having had the discussion of our respective funerals, facilitated many of my actions. Talk to your partner, children, family or whoever will have to take responsibility for funerals in your circle.
When my husband died in the employ of Stellenbosch University, the situation of having to deal with mutual expectations and responsibilities arose. What I could expect from them, what I could and could not accept from them became issues to deal with from the very start. Know your rights regarding employee benefits and employer obligations.
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