Pessimism & Poptarts

We are putting the band together and finding out if we like recording, as this is a pilot it is a little less polished than future episodes but you do begin the process getting to know Sandra and I. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We expand further on our adventures in Grand Haven Michigan and ponder the answer why are humans (here)? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We expand further on our adventures in Grand Haven Michigan and ponder the answer why are humans (here)? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the official origin story of our family's chaos. Before co-host Sandra was born in March 1989, life was a "Leave It to Beaver" dream. Then she showed up—the "oopsy daisy" who wrecked everything and kicked off a medical saga of epic proportions.Born with kidneys like Swiss cheese, Sandra was given a 24-hour life expectancy. When she stubbornly refused to die, the real drama began. Join us for a journey back to the early '90s, featuring:A failed cadaver transplant that left Ryan wondering how doctors planned to fit an adult-sized organ into a "fun-size" baby.Our mom ignoring doctors who called her pregnancy a "dumpster fire" because the baby was "fighting inside of me".Dad's unique parenting style while Mom was away: cereal for dinner and teaching a seven-year-old how to mix a perfect whiskey and coke.The tragic death of our Uncle Kent in a motorcycle accident just three weeks after Sandra's birth, sending the family into a downward spiral.Our summers spent at the Ronald McDonald House, where the big-screen TV was in the indoor smoking lounge.It all culminates in a road trip to Minneapolis for a second transplant, packed into a windowless cargo van perfect for committing murder and hosing out the evidence afterward.If you appreciate a healthy dose of dark humor with your trauma, LIKE and SUBSCRIBE!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://PessimismandPopTarts.com] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This episode is not for the faint of hear and should be considered to contain all of the triggers - Listener Discretion is AdvisedWelcome to a special episode so wild it had to be unlocked from the Patreon vault. This is the cautionary tale of what happens when a seventeen-year-old Ryan mixes a Gwar and Misfits concert, Devil's Night in Detroit, and a pharmacy's worth of illegal substances.Dressed in his finest (and failing) punk rock disguise, Ryan, a long-haired hippie, finds himself in the most insane concert bathroom imaginable—a co-ed den of debauchery. After accidentally interrupting a skinhead doing a line of cocaine off his girlfriend's back, he de-escalates the situation in the only way that makes sense: by doing a line himself and sharing a joint.What follows is an impromptu group therapy session about childhood trauma with his new neo-Nazi friends and a costumed member of Gwar, a topless Halloween costume contest, and a trippy, hallucinatory journey to the merch table where an angry "smiley face" yells at him.The night ends with an eight-ball of coke left as a "tip" for the hotel cleaning crew and the shocking reveal of who "smiley" really was. Buckle up, because this is what a "special episode" is all about.If you survived this story, hit that LIKE and SUBSCRIBE button!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get more special episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The saga continues! In Part 2, the family heads to Minneapolis for a second, life-saving kidney transplant, but the medical drama is just the beginning. While Mom is donating a kidney to a two-year-old Sandra, Dad is having a father-son bonding day at the movies.Get ready for another dose of dark humor and dysfunction as we cover:The successful transplant, which came with a surgical souvenir—a sponge left inside Mom.Dad's first real encounter with his glaucoma while trying to navigate a dark movie theater to see Mrs. Doubtfire.Sandra's most tragic childhood memory: being denied the joy of a Snoopy bounce house at the Mall of America post-surgery.The behemoth at-home dialysis machine that looked like a '90s entertainment center and the mystery of how it got into their poorly constructed, foreclosure-special house.The mysterious death of Uncle Troy, the official story vs. the grim reality, and Uncle Dale's wild conspiracy theory that his friends staged the whole thing.Ryan's side hustle as a gravedigger and the time he unearthed a buried Igloo cooler that was being used as a makeshift coffin.The final nail in the coffin: With the family distracted, Dad relapses, and Uncle Dale introduces him to crack cocaine, kickstarting the end of their parents' marriage.If you're still here, you're our kind of people. LIKE and SUBSCRIBE!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the explosive conclusion of our family's rock-bottom moment. In this final installment, Ryan and Sandra recount the harrowing story of the day their family imploded in a haze of crack cocaine, alcohol, and desperation.With the family fractured by medical bills and addiction, Dad's downward spiral accelerates. He goes from stealing money out of Ryan's wallet to pawning every valuable in the house. But that's nothing compared to what comes next.Get the raw, first-hand account of the terrifying Saturday morning when Dad, drunk and armed with a shotgun, held the family hostage. Sandra, just a child, describes the moment she realized her father was a threat, the chilling confrontation, and the sound of her mother being kicked down a flight of stairs.Meanwhile, Ryan details his own chaotic role in the aftermath—from being interrogated by police to unintentionally throwing the K-9 unit off his dad's trail with a scented jacket. We unpack the legal fallout, the jail time, and the deep emotional scars, including the one act Ryan couldn't forgive his mother for years.And because no traumatic story is complete without a bizarre ending, we wrap things up with a detailed explanation of Sandra's taxidermied "bondage deer".Trigger Warning: This episode contains descriptions of domestic violence and drug use.If you made it through this with us, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE.SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Think your family is dysfunctional? Join siblings Ryan and Sandra for a trip down a memory lane paved with questionable decisions, sibling rivalry, and... a massive Ku Klux Klan memorabilia auction in their hometown. Yeah, it gets weird.In this episode, we're unpacking the family gene pool, and let's just say not everyone got an equal share. We'll meet brother David, whose birth involved an umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and whose childhood was a masterclass in impulse control issues —from taking a baseball bat to the teeth to testing the structural integrity of drywall with his body. But hey, he was a wizard with a Duncan yo-yo! Then there's sister Christina, the undisputed apple of Dad's eye, who could do no wrong... unless Grandma Van Dyke was around.Just when you think you have a handle on the family chaos, we take a hard left turn into one of the wildest local history stories you've ever heard. Discover how a quiet farm market next door was hiding a secret room filled with the entire history of the Newaygo County KKK , complete with membership cards and receipts for prominent citizens. We were there for the auction that nearly started a riot, and are spilling all the details on the local librarians who became the unexpected heroes of free speech.So grab your headphones, brace yourself for some unfiltered truth, and find out why sometimes the most shocking history is right in your own backyard.If you enjoyed the chaos, hit that LIKE and SUBSCRIBE button!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [https://Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome back to the family saga that makes your relatives look like saints. In Part 2, siblings Ryan and Sandra dive headfirst into their father's side of the family, proving that the gene pool was definitely... unfiltered.Before we get to the chaos, a quick disclaimer: our parents did the best they could with the trauma they had. Now, let's talk about Grandpa Bill, a man whose love language was apparently near-fatal accidents. From giving Grandma a concussion while ice fishing to actually dropping her off a pier in Oceanside , he was an accidental serial killer in the making. We also get the story of Grandma Lois's very direct, no-nonsense "sex talk".Then, we meet the uncles—a wild cast of characters who took family gatherings to a new level with spud cannons, hairspray, and a whole lot of alcohol. We've got stories of being dangled off a second-story balcony and a harrowing tale of Uncle Kent attempting to drown Ryan in a creek. It's a miracle anyone survived.Join us as we navigate the Van Dyke curse, reminisce about the relatives who are (mostly) all dead now, and plan an incredibly awkward family reunion episode that's bound to end in therapy.If you survived this episode, hit LIKE and SUBSCRIBE for more!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You thought Dad's side of the family was a wild ride? Buckle up. In Part 3, Ryan and Sandra venture into the maternal line—the Petropolis side—where the stories are just as chaotic and the characters are even more unbelievable.Meet Grandma Flo, a woman whose driving style was a binary system of "pedal to the metal" or "slam on the brakes," and whose family history involves Chicago mob ties and a great-uncle who learned the hard way not to narc. We also get the scoop on how she baby-trapped Grandpa to escape her own chaotic home.Then there are the aunts and uncles. We've got Uncle Gary, whose social awkwardness is only matched by his unsettling gig as the town's resident Santa Claus. And don't miss the story of Uncle James, a man so controlling he once had a meltdown because a ten-year-old Sandra pushed a CD-ROM tray closed instead of using the eject button.We also relive the eternal trauma of the "kids' table," a holiday tradition so rigid that Ryan, at 40 years old, has still never earned a seat, and Sandra was once exiled to a frozen porch while complete strangers enjoyed the warmth of the main dining room.You know the drill. If you're enjoying the dysfunction, LIKE and SUBSCRIBE!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

In the grand finale of this four-part family therapy session, Sandra puts Ryan in the hot seat with a series of questions that unpack the good, the bad, and the bizarre of their upbringing.We finally get the definitive ranking of relatives, from the most connected (Uncle Jim) to the most distant—Aunt Susan, a woman who seemingly developed a southern accent mid-flight to North Carolina and has avoided speaking to Ryan for his entire life. The star of the show, however, is Great Grandpa Petropolis, a man who lied his way through Ellis Island, got to Muskegon by pointing at a map, and was fueled by bacon grease and cigars until he was over 100 years old.The conversation then turns to the two deaths that defined their childhood: the passing of their beloved Great Grandpa, which irrevocably changed their mother, and the death of their Uncle Kent, the tragic event that triggered the family's downward spiral into addiction and dysfunction.Finally, Ryan reflects on the one area where he felt superior to his cousins: his "accidental freedom." While they lived in a gilded cage, he was taking spontaneous, pre-Google Maps road trips to Indiana just because a friend was sad. We wrap up with the ultimate "what if": which relatives were named in the will to raise them, and how would life have been different? (Hint: it involves the Grateful Dead tour) .Thank you for sticking with us through this chaotic family tree. If you made it out alive, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Disarray - How to cope Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Season 2 kicks off October 6th! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You heard Ryan's hazy, drug-fueled account of seeing Gwar and The Misfits at Harpo's on Devil's Night. Now, get the real story from someone who was there and completely sober.In this special follow-up episode, Ryan's childhood friend Jeni joins the show to fill in the massive gaps in his memory and confirm the absolute chaos of that legendary night. As the designated driver and "babysitter" for a car full of people on LSD, Jeni provides a hilariously exhausted and clear-eyed perspective. Also joining is Ryan's son, Josh, who is hearing these stories for the very first time and questioning every life choice his father has ever made.Get ready for even more fuckery, including:The pre-show ritual of doing lines of coke off the TV stand and dropping liquid acid directly into their eyeballs.Jeni's experience in the Gwar mosh pit, where her hair was permanently dyed pink by stage fluids and she was rescued by a giant man acting as her "personal bodyguard bulldozer".The time Jeni had a casual, half-hour conversation with a member of Gwar (Slymenstra Hymen) without having any idea who she was.The night's most charitable act: "helping" a hungry homeless man by giving him an entire bag of mushrooms instead of food.Life back at the hotel, where Jeni slept in front of the door to prevent anyone from escaping for a "nature walk" while tripping.A bonus story about how two-year-old Josh once delivered a flying "People's Elbow" from the top of the couch directly into Ryan's sternum.If you enjoy watching a grown man traumatize his own son with stories from his youth, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts] Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://PessimismandPopTarts.com] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

**TRIGGER WARNING: This episode and series contain detailed discussions of domestic violence and abuse. Listener discretion is strongly advised.**If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available.National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 Text Line: Text START to 88788 To Donate: Please consider supporting the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) or your local shelter.In this special three-part series, Ryan and Sandra tell the difficult and necessary story of their late sister, Christina.In Part 1, they introduce their blond-haired, blue-eyed sister, the "Viking princess" who was often seen as the family favorite. Before diving into the tragic events that defined her life, Ryan shares a few lighter stories from his week, including a recent physical where a nurse was shocked by his age and a very... suggestive fortune cookie.The episode then sets the stage for the series by recounting how Ryan first met "Kyle," the man who would become a central figure in Christina's life. The story begins with a page for help from a teenager in a desperate situation, fleeing an abusive home. Ryan also detours into a bizarre, hallucinatory memory of how a weeping willow tree "hugged" his anger away, marking his transition from an angry punk to a hippie.This is the beginning of a story that needs to be told.If you enjoyed this episode, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE.SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and bonus content at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts] Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

**TRIGGER WARNING: This episode and series contain detailed discussions of domestic violence and abuse. Listener discretion is strongly advised.**If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available.National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 Text Line: Text START to 88788 To Donate: We strongly encourage you to support the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) or your local shelter.In Part 2 of "The Christina Show," the story takes a darker turn as "Kyle" re-enters Christina's life, marking the beginning of a long and tragic spiral.Ryan recounts his complicated friendship with Kyle, a troubled teen he took in, and the one rule he had: stay away from my sisters. It was a rule Kyle would eventually break, leading to a confrontation that severed their friendship and began the process of isolating Christina from her family.The episode details Christina's brief escape into a healthier marriage that tragically ended after her husband's deployment to Iraq. Sandra shares the heartbreaking story of how she discovered Christina was secretly seeing Kyle again by finding her wet shoes—evidence of a late-night rendezvous.We follow Christina as she becomes trapped in a cycle of abuse, manipulation, and control, leading to a dramatic rescue operation orchestrated by Ryan. The episode also covers the devastating consequences of their father's attempt to confront Kyle, which led to a fatal car accident and sent him back to prison. We end with the bittersweet, final happy memory of Christina—drunk on "blue motorcycles" and breaking a table at the family campground.If this story resonates with you, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE.SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and bonus content at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [PessimismandPopTarts.com] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

**TRIGGER WARNING: This episode and series contain detailed discussions of domestic violence, abuse, and death. Listener discretion is strongly advised.**If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, help is available.National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 Text Line: Text START to 88788 To Donate: In honor of Christina, we strongly encourage you to support the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) or your local shelter. In the final, heart-wrenching installment of "The Christina Show," Ryan and Sandra recount the tragic end of their sister's life and the devastating aftermath that still haunts them.The episode begins with the phone call that every family dreads. Ryan describes the frantic drive to the hospital, the disorienting blur of the emergency room, and the grim conversation with a friend from the fire department who was on the scene of the accident. The discovery of Christina's "raccoon eyes"—a fatal sign of brain swelling—confirmed the inevitable, leading to the difficult decision to donate her organs.Sandra shares her own chaotic and painful experience: passing the crash site, fighting a losing battle with police to take custody of Christina's children at the hospital, and fielding calls from concerned family members while being kept in the dark. The next morning, she learns of her sister's death accidentally, from a conversation she overheard.They discuss the raw grief, the funeral their father couldn't attend because he was in prison, and the lingering anger over a life cut short just as she was starting to break free. The episode closes with one last, darkly humorous memory of their mom accidentally growing a tomato plant on Christina's grave.This is the conclusion of Christina's story. Thank you for listening.SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and bonus content at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On this non-award-winning show, Sandra & I are joined by special guest Colleen! My only friend, which feels kinda sad now that I am typing in this description....Welcome to the episode where Sophia's bestie, Colleen, makes her unforgettable debut and proves she fits right in with the chaos. Also, Sophia's son Josh returns to question his mother's life choices in real time.Get ready for a completely unscripted hour of beautiful madness as we welcome our first-ever guest. Colleen is a true crime junkie, a budding TikTok witch, and a woman who once thought "hors d'oeuvres" was pronounced "horse divorces." In this episode, we cover:The Clone-a-Willy COVID Scare: Sophia recounts her pre-surgery panic, thinking she had COVID, only to realize her sore throat and headache were actually from a... very enthusiastic breath play session while making a mold of her pre-op parts.The Brownie That Took Her Breath Away: Colleen shares the story of her first (and last) edible experience, which resulted in a 10-hour panic attack, a Scooby-Doo hallucination, and forcing her girlfriend to watch her "not breathe" all night.The Menards Takedown: In what might be the most lesbian date night ever, Colleen's trip to Menards turns into a live true-crime docuseries when she witnesses a massive police ambush and takedown right in front of her.How Carol Killed Kathy: A tragicomedy for the ages, Colleen tells the story of how her mother with dementia accidentally ran over and killed her own sister... at a children's softball game.Sandra's Haunted Desk: The bizarre mystery of a handmade desk that starts making noises during a storm, and the even weirder story of how she traded a Pyrex dish for a giant caribou rack with a neighbor who looks exactly like a local serial killer.If you enjoy our brand of beautiful, unmedicated chaos, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Merch Store: Get your Pessimism & Pop-Tarts gear at [Shop.com/PessimismandPopTarts]! Use promo code NOT4UVA for 20% off your order.Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and bonus content! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts].Music Credits:Intro Music Bed: Udio v 1Song: Strut - by EmelineSong: Moderation - LilyisthatyouAlbum Art by openart.ai Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey Everyone We Are Back!!! Well very soon, we are recording this upcoming weekend and will be adding new features and co-hosts so does that not sound like fun? I am so excited to talk to you all again! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.