Claim Ownership

Author:

Subscribed: 0Played: 0
Share

Description

 Episodes
Reverse
In Episode 127, Mark and Steve addressed the "Abuse Cycle" and its effects on addicts in recovery. In this episode, they talk directly to the partners of addicts. How does the Abuse Cycle impact partners suffering from Betrayal Trauma and their healing process?Factors to be aware of regarding the Abuse Cycle—-  Abuse from prior romantic/non-romantic relationships including childhood. This can include abuse that is often "discounted" such as a history of neglect, dysfunctional family systems, gaslighting, etc.)  This trauma history establishes "relationship rules" which impact abuse in a current relationship.-  "Cultural traditions" have an impact on current abuse cycles—being a "caretaker;" going along to get along to keep family members/spouse stable and happy; "patriarchy" issues, etc. -  Trauma creates "echoes" that travel from one relationship to the next. Current trauma can be "amplified" based on past experiences and can create increased pain, aversion and responses due to past intensity and frequency. -  What happens when trauma becomes your "expert" or your "obstacle"?-  Why a support system outside the abusive relationship is SO critical to healing! Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to deal with a porn addict gaslighting you—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-a-porn-addict-gaslighting-youHere's an article regarding how pornography can create a "drug-like-dependence"—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-pornography-a-drug-addiction
In this episode, Mark shares his own story of abuse as a child to illustrate how the "abuse cycle" is often directly related to addiction. -  The "Abuse Cycle"—  1)  Tension Builds   2) the "Incident"   3)  Reconciliation   4)  the "Calm"-  The Abuse Cycle is NOT an excuse for addiction but a VERY CRUCIAL EXPLANATION! -  Remember that "abuse" is in the eye of the beholder:  what seems "minor" to one may be "deeply traumatic" to another. -  Understanding an abusive history doesn't "fix" the pain or the addiction, but it is a critical "doorway" to healing and recovery. Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to deal with a porn addict gaslighting you—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-a-porn-addict-gaslighting-youHere's an article regarding how pornography can create a "drug-like-dependence"—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-pornography-a-drug-addiction
This heart-felt description, question and request comes from a PBSE listener—I’m a wife of 33yrs in betrayal trauma after finding husband on multiple times has had on and off affairs over 8 yrs with the same person and now found he is using drugs. Multiple addictions. I would like to set boundaries but I’m not part of his addictions as he does not turn to me. No sexual relationship in 2yrs between us. Can you talk about escalation of addiction. He started with weed then alcohol then porn then affair and now meth. What boundaries can I set?-  What does "escalation" of addiction look like—"cross-addiction" and "co-addiction"-  Mark shares his personal story about learning to have "no voice," going-along-to-get-along and being a "doormat."-  In a relationship, EVERYONE is entitled to some basic decencies and courtesies—being chosen and fought for; being pursued, looked out for; feeling safe and empathized with; having an equal voice . . . -  What does it mean to truly "love" and "be loved"?Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to deal with a porn addict gaslighting you—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-a-porn-addict-gaslighting-youHere's an article regarding how pornography can create a "drug-like-dependence"—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-pornography-a-drug-addiction
It's very normal for a betrayed spouse to seek to be safe and avoid being "blindsided" by more betrayal, by trying to "control" the addict spouse's recovery.  Here's how a PBSE listener describes this challenge—My addict is coming up on 2 years of sobriety and 5th D-Day. I am in therapy and he has been in therapy off and on, changing therapists a few times and seeing them maybe twice a month. He was going to multiple SA meetings a week, even leading some. Now he goes a few times a month. In the early days of our recovery, things were good, he was a different, more accountable person who understood the damage he caused. I chose to stay because I saw a change in him. Now, I see him falling back into old patterns, not committing to his recovery and consequently I have fallen back into a lack of trust, fear, and always worrying about how he will behave in certain social and family situations. His character defects are coming through again. How do I communicate my concerns to him when I know his recovery is his and his alone? The slide backward is so upsetting and gaining momentum in my eyes.In this episode, Mark and Steve share HOW to surrender control over an addicts spouse's behaviors while STILL maintaining healthy boundaries and accountability. Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to deal with a porn addict gaslighting you—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-a-porn-addict-gaslighting-youHere's an article regarding how pornography can create a "drug-like-dependence"—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-pornography-a-drug-addiction
Masturbation is an extremely controversial topic these days; one that elicits a lot of heated debate. This is especially true when an addict spouse engages in masturbation alone and separate from his spouse. Here's what one PBSE listener had to say about this—Hello Mark and Steve- I want to say thank you so much for your weekly podcasts. I am a former client of Steve’s, and I still listen to the podcasts weekly. I am so grateful to you both, for your conversations. I listed to your most recent episode, #123, and at the end of it you mentioned the topic of masturbation. I’d love to hear your thoughts on it, as it relates to porn addiction or attachment, and the dynamic that all of this involves. My partner believes that masturbation is natural and something all men do on a regular basis. That there is nothing unhealthy or damaging about it. I believe there can be balance in all things, except when there is porn addiction or serious attachment to porn, involved. My partner has admitted that it is very hard for him not to watch and/or masturbate, but he only needs help in blocking apps, etc. I’d love your thoughts on this. Thank you so much.-  We are NOT here to talk about masturbation from a moral or religious perspective. We invite PBSE listeners to address this aspect from their own tradition and perspective. -  Masturbation activates the body's most power "biological reward system"— HOW can this become an unhealthy "crutch/form of self-medication"?-  Masturbation and the "biology of connection"—climax can "weld" you to fantasy or reality; to self-sex and solo-connection or to a deep, "we" connection—"I" vs. "Us"—which one do you desire most?-  What you repetitively "connect to" builds a "pattern of connection." What you "attach to" in the fantasy world "detaches" you from the real world. A partner CANNOT compete with a diverse fantasy world that is consistently rewarded and reinforced by sexual climax. -  How masturbation coupled with fantasy can trigger the brain's "habituation mechanism" and become "insatiable." A "holistic" love and connection in a committed relationship does NOT follow this path nor create this "trap."   Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to deal with a porn addict gaslighting you—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-a-porn-addict-gaslighting-youHere's an article regarding how pornography can create a "drug-like-dependence"—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/is-pornography-a-drug-addiction
There's a lot of heated debate out there about "what is pornographic" and "what is not." Too often in these arguments, the REAL ISSUES can get pushed aside. Recently, a PBSE listener and spouse, submitted the following with regard to her partner's use of "porn substitutes"—Just over a month ago, around 2 months into his latest recovery, I noticed my partner watching videos on YouTube that are porn substitutes (eg clickbait 'funny' videos with suggestive thumbnails, videos of women filming themselves wearing short dresses on windy days, Benny Hill videos containing Benny Hill type 'humor' of women being caught in "naughty" situations and other such videos designed to give a "kick". . . . . . . . I'm so so sorry for the long email but I'm feeling so low. I know in yesterday's podcast you mentioned that you've been answering listeners questions for so long - but I would be extremely grateful if you could do an episode on porn substitutes and what problems they carry - my partner still does listen to the podcast from time to time and I think hearing directly on this particular subject from someone other than me might help. In this episode, Mark and Steve tackle the controversial topic of "porn substitutes"—are they OK in a relationship or not? Do they qualify as part of an "addiction" or are they simply a harmless pastime?  It all comes down to the viewers true INTENTION and the IMPACT that viewing "porn substitutes" has on CONNECTION and INTIMACY in a relationship, as well as on the "maturation process" and development of the viewer.  Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-videoTo learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction
This is Part Three—the concluding episode on "How Mark and Steve moved from defensiveness to fighting for their marriages. In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real to addicts in recovery about—HANGING BACK vs. LEADING OUT. -  When an addict in recovery "hangs back" in the marriage, what does that look like?            -  Checking-the-boxes attitude or "it wasn't on the list."          -  Waiting for a spouse to apply pressure before taking action; doing the mandatory/minimum          -  Going into "mopey/victim mode"          -  50/50 attitude—all about percentages and fairness-  What kind of mindset/attitude does it take to move from hanging back to LEADING OUT?-  How SPECIFICALLY can an addict spouse in recovery LEAD OUT?  Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-videoTo learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction
In "Part Two," Mark and Steve address a VERY difficult situation for recovery addicts and their spouses—HOW to navigate people and places that are "triggering" (for both the addict and the spouse)—-  A review of the people, situations and locations that can be triggering for both spouses.-  How an addict in recovery can use "grounding techniques" to successfully navigate through triggers.-  How to prepare for triggering situations IN ADVANCE. -  How to "get ahead" of triggers as opposed to being blindsided by them.-  How to "debrief" and "recap" as a couple AFTER triggering situations. Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-videoTo learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction
One of the greatest challenges we face as sex/porn addicts in recovery is becoming "defensive" when our partners offer feedback, speak their truth, stand their ground, face triggering people or places, etc. We easily go into fight, flight or freeze and DEFEND ourselves as opposed to "fighting for our marriage"!In "Part One," Mark and Steve share their personal experiences with specifically HOW to go from defensiveness to FIGHTING for their marriages when it comes to—"My spouse is speaking her truth and offering feedback"—how do I handle this in a healthy and connecting way???"Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-videoTo learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction
This PBSE episode is directed at single listeners and those already in a relationship. A PBSE listener who is single sent in the following quesiton—Hi there! I'm so grateful for your podcast- just found it last week on and feel I've already gained a lot. Here's something I'd love love love if y'all could address: For us single guys (and girls), at what point in recovery can we/ should be/ may we start dating? I know in 12 step circles, many suggest a year of sobriety before dating. In your experience, does that ring true and, either way, how can we internally assess our readiness to date in light of our history with porn/ lust addiction. Thanks so much and may G-d grant you continued success in helping others.-  There's a saying in sex addiction recovery circles—"If you feel you're ready for a relationship,  start with a plant!"-  Ask yourself, "Where am I in my "co-dependence" on sex?"  "Is sex in any way a method for emotional avoidance or escape?" "Am I still using sex as a way to "self-medicate" and avoid "whole intimacy"?-  How can you expect to figure out "We" (sex) before you have figured out "Me"?-  Contrary to popular culture, sex is NOT the place to start an intimate relationship. It is so emotionally and biologically "intense" that it easily overrides critical "intimacy development." -  Healthy relationships require a "balanced building." Premature sex and/or a narrowed focus on sex can skew the relationship and make it lopsided. -  A BIG test as to whether a porn/sex addict is truly on a solid recovery track is his or her willingness and wisdom to "slow down" the push toward sex and develop true, holistic intimacy one-layer-at-a-time. Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about "true intimacy" vs. "sex" in a committed relationship—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/true-intimacy-vs-sex-in-marriage
In this episode, Mark and Steve respond to a PBSE listener's question about her struggles with her partner lusting after a co-worker— Hello Mark & Steve,  My partner and I are currently in reconciliation from sex addiction and we are in our 4th month of monthly couples sessions as well as I recently started individual sessions. We really like our sex specialist, but he tells me to not pay attention to [my partner's] "lusting" and to get out of his head when it comes to the lusting as well. My question is: My partner had betrayed me by lusting and acting out with images and thoughts of his coworker. How do I ignore the lusting, as that was one of my main questions to gauge how he is doing by asking him, and it is now one of my boundaries—I don't think he is working on this area, as he still lusts after her week after week and it is tearing me up inside.-  Relationships are consensual—you have the right to expect fidelity, trust and safety—AND to define what these terms mean for YOU.-  You also get to decide on the definition of "exclusivity" and the specific boundaries attached to it—what do you want this to look like in your relationship? -  In a truly connected relationship, each partner must have an "equal voice." -  Transparency/authenticity on the part of both parties is essential to THRIVE as a couple—this includes behaviors and expectations. -  Be mindful of the influence that your life history can have on this process:  being raised in a heavily sexualized culture; your family of origin; interactions with peers; rigid religiosity; trauma and abuse; etc.  Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-videoTo learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction
Are you trying to break free from porn viewing and/or other unwanted sexual behaviors, but you just keep falling back into it?! In this episode, Mark and Steve get real about their own struggles to attain lasting sobriety–what does it really take? How exactly do you get to that “permanent place of sobriety”? You may be surprised by the answer.  Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-videoTo learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction
In this episode, Mark and Steve answer a spouse's questions about her addict husband and how she will KNOW that he is serious about recovery and no longer lying—My husband is in early recovery for his sex addiction which he has kept very well-hidden for years. We had our most recent D-Day’s 6 months ago at which time he swore that I knew everything and he was working on changing.. I was seeing a CSAT for betrayal trauma and he was seeing a therapist who specialized in “relationship issues and infidelity” (not my choice). Then I discovered 2 months ago that he was still acting out the entire time and his addiction actually ran much deeper than I originally thought. He has finally accepted that he’s a sex addict after listening to SA meeting tapes and has started seeing a CSAT. My question is- how long until I see any real concrete change in his behaviors? I have over 10 years clean in a 12 step fellowship myself and I understand recovery doesn’t happen overnight, but he is still only “checking boxes” and not going above and beyond as I guess I expect him to in order to save our marriage. How long until I can KNOW that he’s actually changing? He is a master manipulator and has shown me he is capable of looking me straight in the eye while I’m breaking down and flat-out lying to me. How long until I know he’s actually stopped? Or maybe I’m putting unrealistic expectations on him to do a complete 180 in a matter of a month? For context- he says I can look at his phone whenever, we do weekly FANOS check ins, both have CSATS (no disclosure yet, though), I have access to all of his social media, etc. but we all know there are ways around all of this for him to still lie. Your podcast has helped me immensely throughout these past months and I would really be interested in hearing your thoughts on this.Mark and Steve tackle this listener's questions Raw and Real—but perhaps in a way that most people would not tend to think about—it's not about timelines—it's about EVIDENCE!Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-videoTo learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction
In this episode, Mark and Steve address a major challenge faced by many betrayed spouses—they keep uncovering and discovering their addict partner's relapses and bad behaviors. The addict may get some "sobriety" under his belt, but refuses to lead out by proactively pursuing his own recovery work. It seems the only time he does much of anything is when he "gets caught." Here's the situation a PBSE listener presented—i am messaging you from sunny England about my husband who doesn't know if he is an addict or not. He is 42, I am nearly 40 and we have 3 children. We have been together for 20 years. His porn use has been an issue for over 15years now, and so far, we have had [more than a dozen] D-Days. Your last podcast really resonated with me, where the guy started by saying he had just been found out for the 8th time. It hit me, that [after so many discoveries] still nothing has changed. My husband claims to be porn free for over a year now. I have not found any evidence of use, but his attitude is still as bad as ever. He claims that because he hasn't used for over a year, he must no longer be addicted; in fact he doesn't know if he ever was! He is not in therapy, he is simply just not watching that stuff anymore. In your personal opinion how long can someone realistically white knuckle? Years? Decades? He is the most stubborn person you will ever come across. I am constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and genuinely don't know where to turn at this point. Many thanks for all that you do for us betrayed wives.What can or should a betrayed spouse do in a "stuck place" like this or other similar situations? Mark and Steve offer some important insights and guidance. Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-videoTo learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction
How long should a spouse expect her addict partner to keep up his recovery? Doesn't there come a time when he can "back off" to some degree?  In this episode Mark and Steve answer an excellent set of questions offered by a PBSE listener. Here's what she had to say—My partner and I have been in recovery since February 2021. Your podcast has really helped pull us through some rough times. We have navigated the "messy middle" and my partner says that now he is in a "good place." He has taken initiative with disclosing slip ups and even new issues he is facing in recovery with temptations in [public] (he struggled with porn addiction, but has now disclosed he is struggling with lust and does not have the tools to work through it like he does with porn).I am struggling immensely with relationship insecurity. The last discovery I had to make in October really shook up my confidence as he had been hiding it from me and lying about porn use. Since then, he has been honest about any urges or slip ups.Are porn addicts ever in a place to slow down with recovery? We started out with daily check ins, therapy, Celebrate Recovery 12 step group, Fortify, accountability software, and other relationship building activities (bible studies, intentional time together). Now, he says he just wants to listen to your podcast and do the check ins as he claims he has the tools to manage temptations. I want to trust him and what he says are his needs, but I am afraid since this feels like the perfect time for a slip up, when his guard is down.From the partners perspective, should I be okay with him taking less active recovery? I am working through my own issues still, and they are becoming magnified with my insecurities of him using less recovery tools. Any input is appreciated. Thanks for all you do!With passion, clarity and vulnerability, Mark and Steve address the various issues brought up by this PBSE listener—and use a number of experiences from their own decades of deep addiction, as well as many years of recovery success to get to what matters most with this topic and challenge. Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-videoTo learn more about HOW to overcome porn and sex addiction, check out this article—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/overcome-porn-sex-addiction
In this episode, Mark and Steve openly and passionately address a PBS listener's situation and questions. Here's what he asked— I have been found out for the eighth time. I am working with my counselor to work on my recovery. She says she’s not sure how much longer she will stay in the marriage. I will not fail to work on my recovery this time. I am in a SAA twelve step group. I will work on myself to make myself a better man. Here’s my question—I truly want to be transparent. However she is not willing to work on her issues. So how can I be transparent and expect her to respond in a useful way? I’m afraid it will not go well. I want to do the once every 24 hour check in. How do I do this and make it a useful tool if I’m the only one in recovery? I know I can only control my recovery. How do I successfully bring her into the process if she refuses to be in recovery as well? If you're a porn/sex addict in recovery or a spouse straining under the heavy burden of betrayal trauma, you're going to want to hear Mark and Steve's take on this!Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video
In this episode, Mark and Steve address a situation and series of questions from a PBSE listener who is the partner of a porn/sex addict and struggling with betrayal trauma. Here's what she had to say—Hi Mark and Steve. first off thank you for all that you do. my partner and I have been listening to your podcasts lately. I have a few concerns though that I'm seeking input on: he told me he's not in a place of his recovery to be disclosing things to me such as what his fetish was/is. I think I deserve to know this about my partner's addiction since he was acting out throughout our whole relationship secretly even though I set it as a hard boundary early on. does this mean he is trying to protect his addiction still? its been less than 3 months of sober/recovery.My other concern is: he says he's not against porn and doesn't have an opinion about it and this is a healthier method to view it. but this makes me very angry as I know there are endless reasons to be against porn and the industry as a whole, not to mention how its negatively impacting our relationship. Thirdly, he oftentimes says he doesn't have enough time to partake in daily recovery. but I think that's just an excuse because he didn't have trouble making time for watching porn throughout our relationship, which I classify as cheating.There are 3 major barriers her addict partner his throwing up that are blocking his own personal progress and the mending of the relationship—1.  Withholding information about addiction behaviors and betrayal2.  Minimizing, rationalizing and justifying the nature and effects of pornography3.  Making excuses for not doing the hard daily work of recoveryMark and Steve address all three of these road blocks and how they held them back in their own recoveries and relationships. Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article on the Brain Science behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction
In episode 110, Mark and Steve addressed the responsibility that a recovering porn/sex addict has with regard to TV, movies and media--both for his own recovery and in creating the environment where his spouse can feel safe and heal. In this episode, Mark and Steve get super real about how crazy hard it can be for a betrayed spouse to trust her recovering addict husband around TV, movies, media and in public in general! HOW can a spouse trying to heal from betrayal trauma navigate her spouse's behaviors around media?-  Let him own HIS recovery!-  Your job is not to make him change, police him, mind-read him or be hyper-vigilant. Your healthy role is to hold your boundaries in response to his action or inaction.-  How can a betrayed spouse ever feel a sense of peace and trust while at the same time letting go of his "stuff"? -  How can you "be enough" regardless of his behaviors?  How do you take care of you?-  What if he betrays you again--then what??? Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-video
Something that can be a BIG issue for couples—when one is a porn/sex addict in recovery and the other is a betrayed spouse trying to heal—is TV, movies and media! A PBSE listener asked Mark and Steve about this—Hi guys! My husband and I are working through his sobriety and our recoveries. We found your podcast and are truly thankful we did, thank you so much!! I had a question regarding boundaries. I have been working on my list but I am struggling with one in particular. When my husband and I would cuddle and watch our nightly tv shows together or a movie, he would later google images (sometimes explicit) of the actresses that caught his eye. I could tell during our time together he was objectifying and becoming aroused by them. It has become a very triggering thing for me but I can't seem to think of an appropriate boundary or any boundary for this. I have asked in my support groups but it is most often suggested to completely remove watching shows or movies altogether or screening them. I understand doing that for explicit scenes or R rated but I just don't think that is ideal for shows that don't involve sexual/intimate/explicit scenes. Do you have any suggestions or advice on this?  In this episode (pare one) Mark and Steve talk about the addict spouse's responsibility in regard to his use of TV, movies and media--for his own recovery AND in helping his spouse feel safe and heal. Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article on the Brain Science behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction
Resentment is a POWERFUL emotion!  And while it most certainly can be very legitimate based on actual events, history, betrayal, etc., it also acts as a HUGE BARRIER that can block us from moving forward in our recovery, healing and relationships. In this episode, Mark and Steve get real and dig deep on this issue—- What exactly is resentment?-  How can you navigate through your brain's own defense mechanisms to recognize, identify and face your resentments?-  Are you willing to begin shifting out of toxic resentment? What might be creating resistance and blocking you from moving forward?-  HOW exactly do you begin "shifting" through resentment and into healthy emotions and a path forward?Learn more about Mark and Steve's new online program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve three times a week--addicts, spouses and couples! Visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling ServicesHere's an article about how to HEAL from Betrayal Trauma—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/healing-betrayal-trauma-videoHere's an article on the Brain Science behind porn and sex addiction—https://www.reclaimcounselingservices.com/brain-science-porn-sex-addiction
Comments (2)

Bekah

Seems like a cop-out not to have any women on here. Just 2 guys guessing what a betrayed woman is going though.

Dec 23rd
Reply (1)
Download from Google Play
Download from App Store