Porn, Betrayal, Sex and the Experts — PBSE

In this episode Mark and Steve address a super common question—if "sex is optional" in a relationship, then how can a couple possibly stay connected?!  This question actually came in recently from a PBSE listener. Here's how she asked it—"Hi, I’ve been binge listening to your podcast for a few days now to try to understand my partner’s addiction. I have been able to take away a ton of great stuff, but I have a question. You often say that sex is optional. I think I understand the sentiment, but is it truly reasonable that a couple can sustain a relationship without physical connection for the rest of their lives?"-  Yes, it IS possible for sex to be optional in a relationship!-  Sex is "part" of physical connection, NOT the "be all, end all." -  A couple can be "sexual" while not achieving "intimacy." -  In the "True Art of Intimacy," there are 8 areas of intimacy, only one of which is "sexual." -  We can build a relationship based on sex and hope that the rest of our intimacy follows—OR—we can first build an emotionally-intimate/vulnerable relationship and allow the physical side of the relationship to "reflect" and naturally flow from the emotional intimacy foundation. -  What does "sex" and other forms of physical intimacy "mean" and represent for you in your relationship? If sex were to be removed from the relationship would your overall connection and intimacy still be fulfilling; would it be enough? Why or why not? Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services 

Episode 175 finds Steve and his wife on vacation on the island of Hilo in Hawaii. Hilo is the site of an actual "active" volcano. While there, they observe that there are limited "solid footpaths" around the volcano and a LOT of areas of "thin crust" where the lava is flowing one or two inches below the surface! The surface "looks" solid, but step on it and BAM! you plunge through the crust and into the molten fire! In this episode, Mark & Steve take the Hilo location and terrain and create an analogy: —How do we "walk out onto the thin crust" in addiction recovery, betrayal trauma healing and our relationship?—How do we ignore or refuse to see the "lava-core-issues" under the "thin-crust-symptoms" of addiction and betrayal? —What do "solid ground" and "experienced guides"  look like in healthy recovery and healing? Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services 

The partners of sex/porn addicts can find it difficult or near impossible to discern whether or not their partner is still "stuck in addiction" or in actual "real recovery." Here's how a PBSE listener describes this frustrating, painful experience—1 year ago, iIfound my husband of almost 25 years has been addicted to porn our whole marriage and he had racked up  tens of thousands in debt that included monthly subscriptions for Viagra, for cam girls and gambling. He has struggled with ED for the last 10 years and always gaslit me into thinking it was“I made him nervous” about performing. I begged him to tell me what was going on, but he denied all. I have known about his porn use but did not know anything about PIED [porn-induced erectile dysfunction] and had no idea he was depending on Viagra to be able to have sex with me. For a while after D-Day [disclosure day] he was able to perform without Viagra, but the last 6 months , we are back to ED. He denies using porn. But besides listening to your podcast, he has done nothing for true recovery. No program, no groups, no CSAT , no disclosure, etc. He says has not slipped once with porn or masturbation but i find it hard to believe this “white knuckling” approach is that successful. He just admitted this year to being molested by a neighbor boy at a young age, but refuses to talk to anyone other than me. His parents knew about it but never discussed it. I believe this is why he struggles with being emotionally unavailable and has used porn to numb his pain. He has gotten emotional once with me, but mostly is closed off to emotion. I know he needs to be the one to decide to truly lean into recovery. But since you are the ONLY people he listens to, can you do a podcast on what true recovery is - that it’s not just avoiding porn. I don’t want to leave him - but I’m pretty sure I’m standing in the middle of a volcano that will eventually explode again without help. Thank you for being the one guidance we have. In this episode, Mark and Steve talk raw and real about what keeps us stuck in addiction and what REAL recovery actually looks like. Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services 

Healthy Boundaries are CRITICAL to our individual happiness and authenticity—AND—to our connection as a couple. But when we're not experienced with setting and holding healthy boundaries and/or we've spent our lives "going along to get along," it can be all-too-easy to "weaponize" what could otherwise be healthy boundaries—sabotaging our own authenticity and and connection in our couple-ship.This episode is in response to a situation sent in by a PBSE listener—My husband starting reading " No More Mr Nice Guy" which was referred to him by his 12-Step sponsor. Now he says his"boundary" is going to Jiu Jitsu 2 times a week which is during bedtime with the kids. I said I am ok with one, but not two, especially on Mondays which are really challenging. He responds that his needs are important and he can no longer back down because then he is compromising his self care time. [He goes on to state] that his needs are also to receive love and me pursuing him romantically.  (Even though he continues to act out [in his addiction] every 2 months or so for the past 3 years.) How do I respond? Aren't boundaries to help a relationship thrive? This does not feel that way.In episode 173, Mark & Steve talk about boundaries—healthy vs. toxic—and HOW these boundaries can be "weaponized." They also discuss HOW to find a place of "collaboration" and "balance" between individuals in a coupleship.  Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services 

In Episode 172, Mark and Steve tackle a topic that is extremely difficult, triggering and traumatizing for the partners of porn/sex addicts and even for the addicts themselves—the line between "attraction and lust." This episode is in response to a situation and questions submitted by a PBSE listener—Hi Mark and Steve, The PBSE podcast really has been such a Godsend helping inform my husband and I of the possibility of hope and healing. We had our 4th D-day a few months ago, but in some ways it was the very first, as we finally have acknowledged the impact my husband's porn addiction has had on our marriage (4 years married) and the damage "ignoring it" has done. We are really starting to experience some great progress even after a few months of fighting for genuine connection. My question, however, is this: why do men often struggle with the concept of monogamy? My husband and I really struggle to see eye to eye, as he seems to believe that men are wired to notice and be drawn to the physical bodies of other women. He also believes that, then, monogamy is a choice to live the best way God intended and to choose to not act on those desires, and it will be a constant battle with temptation. He does not see a day in the future when he will not value and be curious about female specific body parts on others, even after recovered from porn addiction. Is this the porn addiction speaking? Or is there an element of truth to this? This is so outside of my own experience of sexuality as a woman, and I am really challenged to see a future with someone who will always prize female sexualized body parts—mine, but also the general public, and see that as normal. I have loved the episodes that have touched on public encounters/experiences and making a plan with your spouse for areas that could be challenging. However, I would love to hear this facet answered on the PBSE podcast if you'd be willing. Thank you so much.Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services 

Erectile Dysfunction (ED) is a VERY common challenge among those struggling with porn/sex addiction AND also common for addicts in recovery. The discussion in Episode 171 is in response to a question from a PBSE listener—Hello, I’m an addict in recovery. I’m in good solid recovery I listen to multiple podcasts a day I go to therapy once a week, im working on an empathy workbook in my free time and trying really hard. I’ve been free from porn for 60 days. Since d day I had one slip up about 25 days in where I was watching YouTube videos I shouldn’t have. My wife found this out on her own. And this is after we had been really starting to get intimate and recover together. Since that day I haven’t acted out in any way. I’m really struggling with weird symptoms of random ED with my wife which makes her question my recovery but I don’t have an explanation for this. So when this happens I overreact and get mad and depressed so then it makes it seem even more likely I’m acting out, but I am not. I don’t know what to do in this situation. How am I in good recovery and this is happening? Why can’t I be vulnerable in those situations and try to work through it with my wife. Why is this happening? -  What are some of the potential causes of ED?-  How are physical health issues, mental health issues and emotional issues involved?-  How does an individual's "Arousal Template" play a factor in this?-  How can the addiction recovery process contribute to struggles with ED? -  How pairing "emotional connection" with "sexual connection" is part of answer. Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services 

Once an addict starts into recovery and his partner begins her journey of healing betrayal trauma, a couple should immediately look at the difficult but essential work of SETTING BOUNDARIES. Why? Because the most connected relationships are BOUNDARIED RELATIONSHIPS! The first priority is to set boundaries that create "safety" in the relationship. Without safety, what every couple desires—intimacy (into-me-you-see)—is not possible. Among the most important boundaries establishing safety are SEXUAL BOUNDARIES. Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In episode 169, Mark and Steve address a very raw and real scenario and question from the partner of a porn/sex addict. As a partner trying to heal from Betrayal Trauma, she feels a lot of resentment toward her addict partner who is in recovery and she wants to know HOW to process through these very legitimate feelings—Hi! I would love to hear a discussion of the effect of resentment on the partner in recovery. My husband and I have been married for 19 years. D-Day was 15 months ago, and since then my husband has been sober and began to enter into recovery. He attends SA and I attend SAnon. We both have been working with therapists individually. I listened to your episode on resentments several times because so much of what you said resonated with me. I too experienced the hurricane of my husband's moods and lived on egg shells for years, never knowing the true reality of addiction he was in. In those years, the resentments were really difficult to live with and I think I numbed them out and focused on raising our kids. However, I find [that my] resentments that creep out as we navigate recovery hurt so much more as I am feeling them all deeply in my soul and whole being. Could you address resentments from a partner's perspective, the boundaries needed and any tips for navigating recovery when relationship setbacks seems so consequential and painful. Thank you so much- I am learning so much from your podcast.-  The bravery, resilience and love of partners suffering from Betrayal Trauma is AMAZING!-  Addicts are not the only ones who struggle with resentments!-  The legitimate, understandable reasons WHY the partners of addicts find resentments bubbling up inside their hearts and minds. -  HOW to face these resentments and process them/move forward in healthy ways—what is the role of the partner AND the role of the addict on this journey?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

We have all suffered from "communication trauma" in our life experiences! This can too easily get in the way and/or sabotage healthy communication and connection in our current relationships. Here's how a PBSE listener expressed the challenge she is having with her partner who is an addict in recovery—Hi. I was wondering if you could do a podcast on communication. My partner is a recovering sex addict and he has a hard time with communication and working on fixing issues that come up because he basically freezes and doesn’t know what to say. With years of verbal abuse from an old employer, plus the life of addiction that he’s battled- he learned to not argue or say anything to avoid confrontation. This becomes a battle for me as I’m really trying hard to work on communicating with him and making it a priority for myself. This is something we are battling and I don’t want to lose out on what is an amazing relationship (even with the addiction) just because we can’t communicate effectively. Even simple things as asking for help with something he’s struggling with can be to much, and then he’s just angry because he’s struggling but won’t reach out to me and it causes conflict.-  What are the potential "causes" of Communication Trauma?-  What is the first step to shifting into healthy communication styles?-  Why finding "safe" people to share with is CRITICAL!-  How to begin daring to engage in the SCARY process of "Collaborative Confrontation/Conflict."-  What are some simple "healthy communication" tools and strategies? -  How to PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this episode,  Mark & Steve address a PBSE listener's question about WHY she has trouble standing her ground, having a voice, speaking her truth and holding boundaries with her porn/sex addict partner. She is suffering from a very common "thinking error" known as the "fallacy of fairness." Too often, we base whether or not we ourselves or our partner has an "equal voice at the table" at where we or they are with regard to our "moral standing;" our "rightness in the relationship;" our past behaviors and other factors. We become trapped and stuck in the "fallacy of fairness" and the relationship is unable to move forward—whatever that may mean.  In this episode, Mark & Steve will teach you HOW to recognize this thinking error and HOW to evolve out of it WITHOUT giving up or violating one another's boundaries. Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this episode, Mark and Steve review what is an often mismanaged or overlooked “critical” part of porn/sex addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing—the “Formal Disclosure Process.” -  How NOT to do a disclosure:  go-it-alone; “wing it;” engage in “staggered disclosures;” etc. -  How to PREPARE for a Disclosure–both the addict and the partner-  What the “day of disclosure” looks like-  Critical follow-up to the Disclosure—the “Impact Letter” and “Reconciliation/Amends Process”Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

   What is a "Couples Check-in" and WHY is it so ESSENTIAL to your relationship success?   What are the BARRIERS to the Couples Check-in?   How to use the "Core Couples Check-in" format to succeed when all else fails!Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this episode, Mark and Steve address what can often be a confusing topic for couples—when it comes to recovery, healing, boundaries and consequences, what is my side of the street vs. his side of the street? How do I know when I've crossed the line?  Here's a question sent in by a PBSE listener about this challenge—Guys, do you have anything to share for those of us unsure of when we should be staying 'on our side of the street'? I'm hearing it but I can't make sense of where the line should be drawn. Do I step way back onto my side of the street and support his efforts even when they seem so base level and even when I sense he's drifting toward relapse? Do I congratulate him while part of me is crying out "so he bloody should"? My understanding is that I can make requests for what would make me feel safe. As in x amount of recovery work. But consequences for that wouldn't be fair on him and would be stepping onto his side of the street? As in if you don't do XYZ then I'll need to distance myself from the relationship or something along those lines. When he's not engaging much with his recovery work, I become very anxious and afraid, and start questioning whether he's up to no good or whether I should leave him. It just feels so necessary to me that he commits himself to recovery if he wants the relationship. Am I understanding right when people say stay on your side of the street then that would mean let him participate in as little recovery as he wants and I can't set consequences around that?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Recovery from Porn/Sex Addiction and healing from Betrayal Trauma are HUGE commitments, take a long time and are HARD work. It can be easy in the early to mid stages of that journey to wonder if success is really possible and if all this "crap" we're going through is really worth it! In this episode, Mark and Steve share their personal experiences and the experiences of working with couples all over the world—there is GREAT HOPE and YES it absolutely is WORTH IT! Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Too often, those struggling with porn/sex addiction focus primarily on their outward addiction behaviors--the "symptoms" of addiction. Many believe, "Once I get sober, I'll be good to go." While sobriety is crucially important, it is NOT "recovery." If an addict is unwilling to look beyond the addiction behaviors to the deep "core issues" driving their unwanted, destructive behaviors, the "symptoms" will just keep coming back. In this episode, Mark & Steve talk about what these "core issues," how to identify and start working on them. Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this episode, Mark & Steve respond to a painful situation sent in by a PBSE listener. Her spouse was caught in an affair, which uncovered 6 years of multiple affairs and other sex addiction behaviors. Her addict spouse has been in dedicated recovery for some time now and in that process he has disclosed something that is enormously hard for her to accept. Here's how she describes it—"What he has shared in his recovery journey is that for the first time, within some of his acting out relationships, he was able to talk openly about his sexuality and find 'acceptance' [and his true sexual identity] within that (and yes, that is hard for me to hear). He can now see that that openness did not lead to true intimacy within those relationships but what he hopes for is that we may be able to move forward and build more openness into our relationship. So I guess that 'piece of himself' he doesn't want to lose is rooted in open communication. I can see some sense in that, but as a betrayed partner it is hard to find a way through, knowing where this has come from. It would feel simpler if he was saying that everything about his addiction was something he wanted to recover from and leave behind."Mark & Steve talk openly about their own experiences with this concept of "finding a piece of ourselves" while engaged in addiction. What does this mean and how in the world can anything "good" come from the "living Hell" that addicts create through their bad choices?Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

In this episode, Mark & Steve address a very common "painful" behavior that the partners of porn addicts can often engage in. A PBSE listener sent in a description of her situation:  her boyfriend is currently in recovery for porn addiction and making a lot of great progress. Like nearly all addicts in recovery, he still does have occasional slips back into porn use. He shares these openly with her and then she feels compelled to go to the same websites to view what he was looking at. Here's how she describes her pain—I've found myself spiraling every time it [his slip] happens, and I end up either stalking the accounts of porn stars, models, Only Fans girls, or watching actual porn as a means of comparing myself, and I don't know why I do it. It almost feels comforting but it also sends me further into a spiral. He has a close friend he can confide in, and after a slip up he recovers quickly, and gets back on track, but I often feel stuck in a rut after an incident, and I'm not sure how to break this toxic cycle of comparing myself and looking at the same content he does. What do I do from here? How do I stop? Is there anything else we should be doing as a couple and individually?Mark and Steve address her concerns and talk directly about HOW she can break free from this constantly "re-traumatizing" practice.  Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

A PBSE listener describes a situation that many partners of addicts face. Here's how she describes it. See if you can relate—My partner has been in recovery for only 3 months now and it was then that I found out about all of the disclosure of his addiction. He has had 2 relapses since then and has been honest about where he is in his recovery. He is in a 12 step program and has expressed that he is struggling with shame, guilt and feeling like a failure. Your podcast is truly helping me recognize I can’t control his recovery and I am only responsible for my own but sometimes the fear and insecurities are overwhelming when he is in these moments because I fear they mean he is going to act out. I know I can’t plan for them happening but I don’t know what the best way to react to him when he is honest about these relapses. I genuinely want to be supportive and I do appreciate him being honest, but I struggle with feeling like by supporting him during those moments mean I don’t have any boundaries and am enabling him by not over reacting during these moments. His relapses haven’t been cheating but because of my own betrayal trauma I am terrified that they are leading up to that. I want to be supportive to his addiction and also give him a safe space to share when/if slips happen but I don’t know the heathy or best route to take when he does disclose these moments to me.-   Mark and Steve share personal examples of how this was in their marriages. -  Very common for Spouses to ask this question/balance on this tightrope–What response has the best chance of him continuing to take his recovery seriously?-  Responding to his inauthenticity with your own inauthenticity/control is not helpful!-  How long will your “control/making him change,” carry him in his recovery?-  Compulsion vs. Conversion in recovery-  Be a “clear window” and a "mirror" to him–that is AUTHENTIC!-  PUT IT BACK ON HIM as opposed to constant “outside pressure” as his motivation, which keeps him IMMATURE in his recovery! -  Anger and control keeps the focus OFF OF HIM and drains you of all the energy that YOU NEED FOR YOUR OWN HEALING! -  An addict that is not taking this seriously does not deserve you taking it seriously! You can’t care more than he does!  Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

This episode is in response to a situation shared with us by a PBSE listener. She is currently engaged to a guy in his mind twenties who has struggled with porn addiction since age 9 or 10 and other more severe forms of sexual addiction in later years. He IS in active recovery; seeing a therapist; working a program and has 160 days of sobriety—the longest in his life. Here's her questions—My fear is that while he's committed to recovery right now, this might not always be the case, especially if his brain is so tightly wired this way. Although I hate this reality I'm told that slips will almost inevitably happen. I am so scared though that one day he might stop choosing recovery and a relapse will happen. Even worse, that he might physically act out since a) he's also a love addict and b) his addiction had escalated to visiting prostitutes before we met. So although he hasn't to my knowledge had sex with others while we've been together, I'm afraid that he could easily slip back into this.My question I guess is; is there some kind of safe zone? Have you heard of many men kicking their sex addiction for many years and then just doing a complete flip where they get tired of fighting it and just stop choosing recovery? Does that happen often We understand that addiction is for life and that he'll always need to be in recovery. And right now he's very committed to that. I'm just so sacred that I'll start a family with him and that once he feels safe that I'm locked in and by then a little bored of my body, that he'll stop choosing recovery and return to sneaking these old habits on the side.To address these questions, Mark and Steve draw upon their own personal experiences with marriage and recovery and that of many clients over the decades. Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services

Here's a raw, heart-felt submission from a PBSE listener—Hello Mark and Steve, I am a recovering porn addict and the grateful husband of the listener whose question about foreboding joy you answered in episode 107, “How Can I Ever Dare to Trust Him Again?” If you have time, I would be grateful for your insights on the two questions below. I tried to provide context without becoming too long-winded.I really connect with everything in episode 149, “As a Porn/Sex Addict in Recovery, How Do I Let Go of Deep Feelings of Shame & Unworthiness?” I am working hard on, and making progress with, my feelings of worthlessness in my therapy sessions and through fellowship in SAA. I believe I can change. I believe that my wife deserves an improved, authentic and integrated man. I am grateful that I have a new life, but I’m not sure that I feel like I deserve this new life. The last part of the listener’s message really hits me hard, “even if she forgives me, I’m not sure my self-worth would allow me to accept it.” This is the situation I am in right now. My wife forgave me after my 9th Step amends to her last year. But how can I forgive myself for my betrayal of her before I have given her at least 18 years of my authentic, integrated, sober self?In our recent couples’ therapy session, our CSAT told my wife that “John is proud of his sobriety of 20 months,” but I struggle to feel proud. I feel happy, grateful, encouraged, and hopeful, but not proud. How can I feel proud that I have now done the minimum basic expectation of being faithful for 20 months when I betrayed her for 18 years?In this episode, Mark and Steve address these great questions and the dilemma that many married addicts face! Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program—"Dare to Connect!" You have live access to Mark and Steve in 3 one-hour sessions every week—addicts, spouses and couples! And live support groups on weekends, facilitated by Mark and Steve! To try a free, 2-week trial, visit—daretoconnectnow.comFind out more about Steve Moore at:  Ascension CounselingLearn more about Mark Kastleman at:  Reclaim Counseling Services