Relationship Matters

This is the first in a series of podcasts on the subject of giving and receiving feedback, something that we often do as we go about our daily lives. Feedback can be a comment to a friend about their new hairstyle; a remark to your son or daughter on their appearance as they prepare to go out with their friends; a discussion with a junior colleague on completion of some delegated work: in any number of ways, we provide feedback to people about them, their work or performance and their behaviour. Generally speaking, it is easier to give positive feedback than negative. If a friend asks you whether you think they look good in the new clothes they are wearing, I'm sure that you have no problem in complimenting them on their outfit, if they do look great in it. However, telling them that you think it looks hideous and, therefore, it does nothing attractive for them, is a different proposition altogether. Many people would prefer to lie; others would prefer to fudge the issue; yet others may pretend that they didn't hear the question, choosing not to lie and not to offend. It is a brave person that is truthful. Or is it? I was listening to Andrea Levy on Desert Island Discs last weekend and was struck by something she said on this subject. She invites her husband to comment on chapters of her latest book, as she writes them, and she was asked if he is critical in his feedback. She said that criticism wouldn't be given directly (as this would cause divorce!!) but that he "always finds a way" to tell her the truth. And this is the crux of the matter. If we are clear about WHY we are giving feedback, and that it is motivated by helping to bring about a positive outcome, why would we not be honest in our feedback? It is not in the recipient's best interest for us to be less than honest to them. For Andrea Levy, it could be the difference between producing a best seller and a book that doesn't leave the shelves of the bookstores. For the friend whose outfit does little for them  - well, would you want to be seen in something knowing that people are laughing at your choice of clothes? However, it is right to be considerate and not to offend with tactless remarks. Better to think through what we really want to say and the purpose for our message, before jumping straight in. Learning some principles around giving feedback, and mastering the skills, will help you to be honest and thoughtful in your delivery.  Today's Key Points: 1. Be clear about the purpose of the feedback. What is it that you are trying to achieve by having this conversation? 2. Focus on the behaviour of the person receiving feedback. Do not criticise them personally. 3. Be specific and avoid generalisation. 4. Speak for yourself, using "I". 5. Find out if there are any reasons for the behaviour. Acknowledge the other person's view. 6. State the emotional impact and the effect of the behaviour. 7. Explain clearly how you would want the behaviour to change.  8. Confirm the benefits of the change. Identify any sanctions if they do not change.    Three Ways to Listen: Click on the arrow to listen now:  Click on the link to download MP3 file: Free subscribe to this feed:  

Today's podcast focuses on what can go wrong when giving feedback and how to avoid this from happening. When the principles of giving feedback have not been learnt or mastered, conversations can become difficult. This especially can occur if negative feedback is heard as a criticism. To avoid having a poor experience of either giving or receiving feedback, the important thing is to prepare thoroughly for the meeting. Time spent in preparation is time well spent. Today's Key Points: Remember the purpose for giving feedback. The aim is to facilitate learning by reinforcing good behaviour, and identifying where and how to improve on less optimal performance. Master the technique of giving feedback well. Remind yourself of this from Podcast 31. Focus on their behaviour and NOT the person. Do not criticise the person to whom you are talking. Help them to work out what it is about their behaviour that needs to change.  Prepare thoroughly for the feedback session. Thorough preparation will help you to stay calm, focussed and in control of the session, however anxious or difficult the meeting may become. Think through how the conversation will flow. What are your opening words?  How you get started can make all the difference to the feedback session. Anticipate how your feedback might be received. Try and predict the responses to the points you raise, and plan how you would then respond to these various responses. Rehearse your session. The more you rehearse, the easier will be the "real thing".  Critically, rehearse OUT LOUD.  Listen to yourself - your tone of voice, inflection in your words, pauses, etc. How you say something is as important as the actual words themselves. By listening to yourself, you can pick up whether the stresses are in the right place, for example.  Three Ways to Listen: Click on the arrow to listen now:   Click on the link to download MP3 file: Free subscribe to this feed:

Today's interview features Alison Jesson, a British psychotherapist. Alison discusses the issue of guilt and offers some insight as to why people might experience the feeling of guilt in their relationships and how to address it. Today's Key Points: Guilt is a common feeling and may be masking a different feeling, such as anger. It may, therefore, be necessary to acknowledge what the underlying feeling actually is. If you always put another person's needs in front of your own, you may well end up resenting that person. Remember Alison's analogy of the oxygen mask in a plane. If you are feeling guilty about your behaviour, ask yourself what is the unwritten rule that you have broken? Is this a rule that you learnt in childhood? Is it relevant today? Do you want to re-write the rules? Having identified the unwritten rule that you've broken, ask yourself how serious is this alleged "crime"? How serious will it seem in the future? Also were there any mitigating circumstances - were you totally responsible for the "crime"? Make reparation, if you think it is necessary.  For examples: offer an apology if it seems appropriate; pay a penalty - give a donation to charity; pay a penance - clear some litter from the street. Learn from the experience and forgive yourself. We all make mistakes - keep things in perspective. Three Ways to Listen: Click on the arrow to listen now: Click on the link to download MP3 file: Free subscribe to this feed:

Today's guest is Chris Cardell, an internationally respected marketing expert. He is particularly interested in communication and how we think. Whilst the focus of Chris' interview was communicating for business, the key points that come from his insights are relevant to all inter-personal relationship building. Today's Key Points: Be willing to take the first step. It can be scary to start up a conversation with a stranger or with someone that you don't know very well. So, prepare yourself, take the plunge and give people an experience of you. Give freely of yourself in a relationship and don't expect something in return. If you receive something, treat it as a bonus and not an automatic "right" or quid pro quo. Relationships need courting. You need to keep working on them, so keep developing your relationships. Keep in regular contact; look after your friendships. As we get busier lives and take on more commitments it is all too easy to lose touch with our friends and relatives. Keeping the relationship alive by periodically making the effort - a quick email will suffice - helps the re-connection when time allows. Aim to make a positive difference in the lives of the people with whom you interact. Make it your purpose to add value to their life. Three Ways to Listen: Click on the arrow to listen now: Click on the link to download MP3 file: Free subscribe to this feed:

Today's interview is with Judith Morgan, Business Coach and entrepreneur. Amongst her many business ventures, The Cleaning Biz offers people an opportunity to run a turnkey business following a successful blueprint formulated by Judith and her business partner. The success of this operation, in part, comes down to the business owner brokering the relationship between the household employer and the cleaner. At the heart of this arrangement is managing communication - something relevant to everyone, whether in business or in our social lives. Today's Key Points: Say what you mean and be clear about your needs. Never assume that another person will know what you want or understand your individual requirements - be explicit. Don't have unrealistic expectations of the other person and don't be too demanding. Their circumstances may be quite different to yours so do be aware of this. Don't pretend, and don't "put up" with things. You cannot fix things unless they are out in the open. So, be honest in your communications and sort things out if they need sorting. Conversations can be difficult for all sorts of reasons. What may be easy for you to say might be difficult for someone else, and vice-versa. If you are in a situation and need to have a difficult conversation with someone, it may be that someone else could help you manage the conversation. Don't be worried about asking for help. It's OK not to get on with someone. Maybe the chemistry isn't right. It may be something that you can't put your finger on and that's OK, too. You're not expected to like everyone in this world. And, being honest, some people are just not nice.                If you are about to go on holiday, I do hope that you have a great time. Three Ways to Listen: Click on the arrow to listen now: Click on the link to download MP3 file: Free subscribe to this feed: