Sadness & Kebabs

SURPRISE, MELON FARMERS. We’re back. Kind of. Bear with us while we figure out what we’re doing.

Nineties kids will never forget how close SEGA and Sonic the Hedgehog (aka Mr. Needlemouse) came to toppling the mighty Mario and Nintendo… well, not really – but their moment in the sun was glorious. From humble beginnings providing amusement to US Servicemen to the financial disaster that was Sydney’s SEGA World, join us as we celebrate the little blue guy who almost could.

Did you know that without ze Germans intercepting war-time British trade routes, we may never have improved on the slick black yeast prototype known as Marmite? OR, that if administered correctly to your baby, Vegemite can actually generate cheek lasers? Only one of these things is true – guess you’ll have to tune in to find out which, on an epic episode where Bonnie takes is on a Pulp Fiction-style jumbled timeline filled with; thick black history, hilarious facts about this beloved Aussie icon, its creator, its evolution and some doozies of missteps over the last hundred years.

Did we mention we’re fast and loose with facts? This week is a quick catch up where we do a little fact-checking with Kris Kross corrections, Pulp Fiction, body farms and canopic jars, Tim’s run-in with his future self, some soul-searching and a pervy tip for the perfect Christmas turkey.

We’ve all suffered the Twelve Days of Christmas carol ad nauseam, but have you ever stopped to consider the history of this excessively generous barrage of gift giving? And could you remember the full gift register of disparate live poultry and hired performers, in reverse, under pressure that if you forfeit it could result in a lingering, beery pash from your druncle as part of a post-feast memory game? This silly season it’s not all swans, lords a-leaping and golden rings; get those chestnuts roasting on an open fire and prepare yourself for a jolly visit from three creepy, merrymaking friends disguised in festive-yet-ghoulish pillowcase masks. Mummers Mummering describes the Christmastime practice of visiting several homes throughout an evening while dressed in a disguise. They might change their walk, talk, shape, or size—whatever it takes to make them unrecognizable to the hosts of the homes they visit. Once the hosts guess who the mummers are, they take off their masks and stay for a party or social.View a heartwarming and terrifying gallery of Mummers Star Wars Holiday Special (Complete, thank us later) The Twelve Days of Christmas (The traditional version we all know and despise) Twelve drummers drummingEleven pipers pipingTen lords a-leapingNine ladies dancingEight maids a-milkingSeven swans a-swimmingSix geese a-layingFive gold ringsFour calling birdsThree French hensTwo turtle dovesAnd a partridge in a pear tree The Twelve Days of Christmas (The Sinatra Family Christmas version) Twelve dozen kisses (it may be HUGS AND KISSES, but twelve dozen kisses are what the interwebs said).Eleven jars of jellyTen silken (linen) hankiesNine games of scrabbleEight pairs of cufflinksSeven books of fictionSix woolen nightshirtsFive ivory combsFour meerschaum pipesThree golf clubsTwo silken scarfsAnd a most lovely lavender tie Heavy Metal Christmas (The Twelve Days of Christmas) – Twisted SisterA Twisted Christmas is the seventh and final studio album by the American heavy metal group Twisted Sister. Twelve silver crossesEleven black mascarasTen pairs of platformsNine tattered t-shirtsEight pentagramsSeven leather jacketsSix cans of hairsprayFive skull earringsFour quarts of JackThree studded beltsTwo pairs of spandex pantsAnd a tattoo of Ozzy… Other notable versions

We’ve all suffered the Twelve Days of Christmas carol ad nauseam, but have you ever stopped to consider the history of this excessively generous barrage of gift giving? And could you remember the full gift register of disparate live poultry and hired performers, in reverse, under pressure that if you forfeit it could result in a lingering, beery pash from your druncle as part of a post-feast memory game? This silly season it’s not all swans, lords a-leaping and golden rings; get those chestnuts roasting on an open fire and prepare yourself for a jolly visit from three creepy, merrymaking friends disguised in festive-yet-ghoulish pillowcase masks. Mummers Mummering describes the Christmastime practice of visiting several homes throughout an evening while dressed in a disguise. They might change their walk, talk, shape, or size—whatever it takes to make them unrecognizable to the hosts of the homes they visit. Once the hosts guess who the mummers are, they take off their masks and stay for a party or social.View a heartwarming and terrifying gallery of Mummers Star Wars Holiday Special (Complete, thank us later) The Twelve Days of Christmas (The traditional version we all know and despise) Twelve drummers drummingEleven pipers pipingTen lords a-leapingNine ladies dancingEight maids a-milkingSeven swans a-swimmingSix geese a-layingFive gold ringsFour calling birdsThree French hensTwo turtle dovesAnd a partridge in a pear tree The Twelve Days of Christmas (The Sinatra Family Christmas version) Twelve dozen kisses (it may be HUGS AND KISSES, but twelve dozen kisses are what the interwebs said).Eleven jars of jellyTen silken (linen) hankiesNine games of scrabbleEight pairs of cufflinksSeven books of fictionSix woolen nightshirtsFive ivory combsFour meerschaum pipesThree golf clubsTwo silken scarfsAnd a most lovely lavender tie Heavy Metal Christmas (The Twelve Days of Christmas) – Twisted SisterA Twisted Christmas is the seventh and final studio album by the American heavy metal group Twisted Sister. Twelve silver crossesEleven black mascarasTen pairs of platformsNine tattered t-shirtsEight pentagramsSeven leather jacketsSix cans of hairsprayFive skull earringsFour quarts of JackThree studded beltsTwo pairs of spandex pantsAnd a tattoo of Ozzy… Other notable versions

This week’s episode is about the heebie-jeebies! More specifically, the creeps you get when an animation or robot isn’t QUITE pulling off its attempt to pass for human. That’s right, we’re tackling the phenomenon known as The Uncanny Valley, which isn’t a physical place, but a location on a graph that measures creepiness against success of said attempts. On the way we’ll; get to the bottom of why we get creeped out, go into detail of the forty year-old Japanese origins of the phenomenon, obviously explore sex robots, poo-poo some detractors and Tim both; gets into a rage over false paradoxes (Epimenides or die, baby!) and ruins The Lion King. Oh and Bonnie has got SEVERE beef with a Keanu Reeves.. Some Links: The terrifying Phillip K. Dick android: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sJ930zzYxl8 NYT article on elder-care robots: https://nyti.ms/2zpOnec?smid=nytcore-ios-share “My Sex Robot” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRoUkXsJDbA “Guys and dolls” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxCkULUnVH0&has_verified=1

You: They can’t talk about wigs for an hour? Us: Watch us, motherfuckers. You: Did they just call us motherfuckers? Us: Wigs. Link to Teacher Tornholm’s YouTube SPRAY-ON HAIR INFOMERCIAL FROM THE 90s! Excellent NZ Herald article – BLACK GOLD “The Curly Story of how Hair Extensions are Made” article by the ABC

Dim the lights and cue the Barry White, Internet Roulette is getting sexy in the animal kingdom. Learn about some horrifyingly weird and icky animal sex organs with Bonnie! Obviously not for little kids’ ears. Unless you want to scar them forever then this is definitely the episode to do some damage. Hey, why not listen to it with your elderly parents and make an awkward family occasion of it? We also discuss how not to order like a prick in a restaurant and all that other nonsense we normally get up to, but it all kinda pales next to grab-dongs.

This week, we learn a bit about leftovers, a bit about Tim, and perhaps a bit too much about Paulie’s ex-girlfriend. Tune in for another enlightening episode of Internet Roulette. internetroulette99@gmail.com

We started episode 9 by discussing how the commandments have been portrayed in popular culture, but somehow ended up in conversations about nazi monkeys, Thanos VS. non-Thanos methods of population control, and sexy babies. Oh and Tim tried to write his own commandments, which is a worry in itself. internetroulette99@gmail.com

It’s time to make a podcast of 20 x 15 cm, and by that, I mean BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS. In our first double-header, Tim tackles the 10 Commandments – their origins, use, misrepresentation and ambiguity. Whether you know nothing about the commandments (e.g., there are actually 80+ of them), OR you’re a devout theologian who eats them for brekkie, get in. We’d love to hear from you either way. We also made the executive decision not to include Tim rambling through the entire 80, but if you click HERE, you can download a link to his show notes, which are unedited/unabridged and include the commandments verbatim from the King James Bible, but you’ll have to navigate some of his scribbles in the margins, but who knows – you probably like that, you sicko.

A minute ago I thought hurling was a clever name for Warnie’s undercover antics, but now thanks to Bonnie’s torch of truth I can see it clearly for what it is – a prehistoric battle sport played by the Celtic megamen – a brutal Irish game that has survived for three thousand years that put hair on my chest just by listening. If you like sports, lubed battle-chess or shin-kicking ho-bags from Darwin, come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough. internetroulette.biz internetroulette99@gmail.com

If you thought we couldn’t link one of the oldest banking families in Italy to Paris Hilton being attacked by her pet Kinkajou, then hi, we mustn’t have met – we’re fabulous, and we think you are too! Join us as Paulie takes point on a twisted journey that spans the ancient tradition of gifting and acquiring exotic animals as pets for rulers, Bieber’s first class monkey bubble and a woman raped by a camel. To death. internetroulette.biz internetroulette99@gmail.com

Wonder why you only see people jumping from fiery skyscrapers onto nets in cartoons? It could have something to do with the staggering amount of busted skulls, idiotic aristocrats, girls who like to do everything together (including jump from great heights), mangled firemen and quite a bit of luggage that pounded the pavement and met gruesome ends during the hundred year farce of this misunderstood contraption. Join us as Bonnie wraps the scare quotes around “safety” nets.

22 years after a suspicious survival tale of whale-escapes and buffalo blood hydration in the Australian outback, the real-life inspiration for Mick “Crocodile” Dundee was torn to shreds by 12 gauge Northern Territory justice, after an amphetamine-fuelled rampage that saw several injured, a police officer dead and at least one hand blown clean off. So how in holy mothery fuck did that happen? Believe it or not, the French have a word for it, but let’s use several more to spelunk in the rabbit hole of one of Australia’s least-known terrible tales, and the discovery that Paul Hogan is human garbage.

If you only remember Kris Kross as a rambunctious 90s hip hop duo with backwards hoodies and a couple of hits, check yo head as Tim beats hell out of the darker side of gentrified rap culture, tales of teenage baldness and fatal drug overdoses – all accompanied by a borderline copyright infringement of the Mario-kart theme tune and a potential defamation lawsuit from Richard Attenborough.

If you, like us, didn’t know that Japanese ritualistic suicide involved a wingman whose responsibility it was to almost chop your fucking head off, you need to get in here. Join us as Bonnie dives deep on the ancient ceremony including the feminine side of harakiri and first-hand accounts from appalled Westerners. Get ya guts out.

Have you and your ghost-hunting buddies ever simultaneously and jointly misremembered something so massively you named a phenomenon after a deceased world leader? These dummies have, and to kick off the podcast we’re jumping down a rabbit hole that somehow traverses astral travelling, haunted cemeteries, holographic multiverses and the demonic potential of the large hadron collider. Welcome.