Sex, Love, and Addiction

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty continue their discussion about trauma. How can recovering addicts find the healing that they need when trauma is still unknown? How can you gather the right team to support you in your recovery work? How can you find peace following big ‘T’ and little ‘t’ trauma? They answer these questions and consider the gift of working on yourself and the power of standing on your own two feet and finding your voice as you navigate your recovery journey.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:27] How can I find the right therapist to help with my trauma work?  [5:25] The importance of gathering the right team to support you in recovery work.  [7:20] Seeking Integrity resources that are available when finances are limited.  [9:28] Differences between big ‘T’ and little ‘t’ trauma.  [12:35] Facing the haunting vision that triggers you.  [19:10] How can I come to peace following such major violations?  [24:02] Approaching brokenness and filling the void that once came with betrayal.  [26:06] The focus of the Seeking Integrity women’s intensives is not on the spouse.  [28:17] Are you ready to accept the consequences of doing whatever you want?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “Interview your therapist and find out what experience they have in trauma.”  “The beginning of trauma work is awareness.”  “I want you to discover the power of standing on your own two feet and finding your own voice.”  “For every piece of work you can do on yourself, you are offering a gift to someone else.” 

Dr. Rob and Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty explore trauma – what exactly is it, how does it come about, and what can you do about it? They consider the wounded healer, the importance of integrating all lived experiences to become whole again, and the role of self-forgiveness in overcoming trauma. Johanna is passionate about helping individuals heal from incident trauma, ancestral trauma, prolonged trauma, and more, and she cautions listeners against marginalizing the damaging effects of true trauma in favor of everyday difficult life experiences.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:21] A little bit about Dr. O’Flaherty and her passion for trauma recovery.  [3:54] Dr. O’Flaherty is celebrating 47 years of personal recovery.  [5:40] The archetype of the wounded healer.  [7:31] Integrating all of our experiences is an essential part of becoming whole.  [9:18] Trauma happens outside an individual’s coping skills.  [11:20] Trauma will not leave you alone until you do trauma work. [12:31] Self forgiveness is an essential first step to overcoming reenacting.  [16:44] Ancestral trauma can impact you and the next generation.  [20:42] My husband has been cheating on me. Why does ancestral trauma matter? [22:50] Incident trauma happens when an event changes a person’s entire life.  [25:45] The impact of combat trauma and prolonged trauma.  [28:02] The concept of trauma has been overutilized. What can you do to heal?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Dr. Johanna O’Flaherty Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES: “We’re all wounded in some form or another.”  “We have to take back those wounded parts of us that we want to banish out of our minds.”  “A traumatic event is so extraordinary that it is outside the individual’s coping abilities.”  “Trauma will not leave you alone. It continues to raise it’s ugly head.”  “We go into the vortex of the pain to take the power out of the memory.”  “That which is not transformed is transmitted to the next generation.” 

Dr. Rob and Tamara Cooper continue their discussion about codependency, boundaries, and the communal value of sharing your experience with others who have found themselves in similar situations. Tamara highlights the Empowered Women Retreat, a place for betrayed partners to heal in a safe and supportive space, as well as affordable options for healing for those who don’t have the resources for therapy.   TAKEAWAYS: [1:13] How does codependency fit into addiction and trauma betrayal?  [4:15] Addiction is a disease that affects the whole family.  [7:01] The model at Seeking Integrity is entirely supportive and judgement free.  [9:37] Setting boundaries is an essential step toward help and healing.  [11:48] Details about the Empowered Women Retreat.  [15:15] The communal power of sharing your experience with others.  [21:17] Where to turn when your spouse can’t be your go-to person anymore.  [27:25] Offering love to your addict can give them hope in themselves.  [29:05] Options for healing when you don’t have the resources for therapy.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tamara Cooper   QUOTES: “Addiction is a team sport. You don’t just run the race, you drag the whole bench out with you.”  “If you haven’t walked a mile in the addiction shoe, I wouldn’t suggest you don’t talk about how the shoe fits.”  “When we set boundaries, that is the ask for help.”  “As addicts, they don’t feel worthy of love, and they can’t understand why anyone, especially the person they hurt so much, would still have love for them.  And that gives them hope for themselves.”

Dr. Rob and Tamara Cooper explore the isolating and painful blaming and shaming that betrayed partners often experience while their partners are surrounded by support. Betrayed partners often torture themselves by asking what they could have done differently to prevent their partner from acting out, and Tamara has an answer for that. Her passion for supporting betrayed partners is obvious and genuine, and she offers a glimpse into the hope and healing that can be yours if you allow it.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:20] A little bit about Tamara and her work with betrayal trauma. [5:10] Normalizing betrayal is a central focus of Tamara’s work.  [8:34] ‘I should have’... Betrayed partners have to stop wondering what they could have done differently.  [12:05] Why can’t I stop blaming myself for my partner’s betrayal?  [14:20] The choices that your partner makes has nothing to do with you.  [16:51] Anger, control, and self-doubt are a dangerous combination in recovery.  [20:40] Unhealthy and extreme behaviors in the betrayed are an attempt to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense.  [23:31] Isolation is a painful and common side effect of betrayal.  [27:52] An overview of Tamara’s interactions with the betrayed partners that she supports.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Tamara Cooper   QUOTES: “After betrayal, but it’s normal to feel like you’re losing your mind.”  “I am carefully and slowly speaking logic into where the core belief system has been derailed.”  “Betrayal is a disease that doesn’t make any sense, and it’s maddening.”  “We are born wanting to connect with someone else, and when you are out there by yourself, if someone pulls alongside you and sticks their arm out, you hold on for dear life.” 

Dr. Rob and Tami share what a couple can expect when they sit down and talk with Dr. Rob in person or over Zoom when they are ready to address their infidelity and addiction issues. How do you know if a residential treatment is right for you? What do you do when your spouse still continues to lie to you after formal disclosure? All these questions answered, and more!    TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How long does it take to rewire a porn-addicted mind?  [4:50] Addicts think, ‘they can’t live without this’ but when they take a pause they realize that they didn’t die. That they can push through.  [6:45] My husband said he’d be honest about the affairs going forward. This has been a complete lie. Where do I go from here?  [8:45] Whatever you do, don’t give up on you.  [14:15] Unfortunately, you may never get what you want from that person.  [20:25] I fluctuate between me being a horrible person vs. me being a good person that just did a horrible thing. How can I differentiate? [25:55] I struggle to take ownership. Not sure what I should do?  [34:25] If you have a question about your spouse’s addiction, write it down. Collect them, and then sit down at a scheduled time and talk about them.  [37:45] How do you know if residential treatment makes sense for you? [45:00] What does it mean to do a consultation with Dr. Rob?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss   QUOTES “The brain doesn’t get rewired, it’s not a motherboard, but it does adapt.” “You’re getting the kind of message that you have to work on your own life and what you want from the other person, you may never get; as much as you deserve it.” “Guilt is a good thing. Healthy guilt I made a mistake, I need to go back and fix it. Guilt is good information.”

Dr. Rob and Lora continue their discussion about self-awareness and honoring self while also thriving in a connected partnership. Leaving your partner doesn’t make the pain entirely go away, so you have to work to honor yourself whether you choose to stay or leave. Surround yourself with people who can support you and remind you of who you really are beyond what happened to you. There are great motivating factors behind an affair and an addiction, and understanding both will make all the difference in what you can expect as you heal after betrayal.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:25] How can you hold onto yourself and also thrive in a connected partnership?  [5:00] You may have been hurt, but you deserve to remember who you really are. [6:43] Your life isn’t over, it’s evolving.  [8:00] When you were hurt, you were crushed.  Now is the time to flaunt yourself! [10:14] It’s hard to be a beginner, but lean into the laughter of trying new things.  [14:00] Trusting yourself can get you exactly where you want to be.  [15:05] What is an affair vs. an addictive problem?  [18:00] It is not your fault. When people cheat they are doing it for their reasons. [20:22] Is it naive for a woman to think she won’t be cheated on by a man?    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lora Cheadle   QUOTES: “You may have been victimized, but you have to start remembering who you are.”  “Trust yourself, and seek out outside support and wisdom.”  “Addiction is a tool that the other person is using to make themselves feel better, and the tool is never going to solve it.”  “Trust is the backbone of our relationships.”

Lora Cheadle joins Dr. Rob to discuss the journey of self-discovery that the spouse must take after betrayal. Moments of vulnerability and self-disclosure can bring happiness into a healing marriage while also triggering feelings of old hurt, leaving spouses feeling angry and confused about whether or not they really trust their partner again.  Lora understands that while you may have been victimized, you get to choose whether or not you will continue to be a victim.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:59] A little bit about Lora Cheadle and why she wanted to share her personal experience as a recovering spouse. [5:00] Betrayal can come as a result of spouse control and manipulation.  [7:28] Transactional relationships are set up for failure.  [10:28] You were victimized by your spouse’s betrayal – don’t let anyone minimize that for you – but you get to choose whether or not you will continue to be a victim.  [15:03] As a partner, you can support your spouse without taking on the full responsibility of their addiction.  [16:07] How can you balance trust today with the possibility of future betrayal?  [19:40] Self disclosure and vulnerability from your partner is key evidence that betrayal has stopped.  [20:30] From a performative and transactional relationship to living her truth, Lora understands what a healthy marriage really looks like.  [24:01] “She should have known better” – but addicts can be really good at hiding things.  [26:12] Find someone who you can confide in who won’t judge you.  [28:01] Yes, you can find peace in a support group of betrayed spouses.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey Lora Cheadle   QUOTES: “Infidelity and betrayal, for me, was my opportunity to see in myself what I had missed before.”  “If someone isn’t doing what I think they should, the problem is theirs, right? Wrong.”   “I did not want my husband’s addiction to win.  I wanted me to win.”  “He is a different person, but I am a different person too, so we do this dance differently.”

Dr. Rob continues his conversation with Dr. Geoff Goodman about the power of the 12 Step program, which worked for Geoff when nothing else did. Finding an effective therapist who can support you and your partner requires so much more than just delving into the past - it requires making demands and setting goals that you can realistically achieve as you move forward.  One huge component of recovery for both you and your partner is finding the right support groups.  If the first one isn’t a good fit, don’t give up, keep trying until you are surrounded by people who can lift you up, whether you are the recovering addict or the spouse!   TAKEAWAYS: [1:30] The power of the 12 Step program, for Geoff, is that it works.  [3:18] Understanding the why behind your addiction won’t automatically shift your behavior.  [8:50] Effective therapists will help addicts beyond simply understanding their past.  [11:28] If you’re acting out sexually in ways that are ruining your life, your therapist can help! [13:35] Addiction recovery does not equate to relationship therapy.  [16:02] How might spouses consider self-examination without feeling blamed for their spouse’s addiction?  [19:45] Finding needed support when finances and resources don’t allow it.  [24:26] “I don’t belong there”- how to find the right support group for you.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey 12 Step Recovery    QUOTES: “I didn’t want to make a complete lifestyle change.  I wanted to get better, but avoid that.”  “Addiction is so irresistible that knowing the causes is a nice intellectual pursuit but it doesn’t really help you on the ground.”  “The 12 Step Program isn’t going to turn your husband into Prince Charming.”  “You are healing and changing itself does not make you a loving, kind, empathing, engaged partner.  It just means you stopped lying and stopped hating yourself.”   

Dr. Rob welcomes back podcast guest Dr. Geoff Goodman for a conversation about the impact that addiction has on relationships.  He offers insights into the struggle of not only the addict, but of their partner as well, and shares his experience with falling in love with a woman who did not know that he was an addict.  Some partners are more supportive and involved while others appear to be disinterested or even disgusted and fed up.  No matter what scenario you’re in, there is hope for finding a life beyond addiction, together.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:24] What people don’t understand about addicts, from the partner perspective.  [3:56] Dr. Geoff revealed his own sex addiction to his partner long before they were married.  [6:30] From a spouse’s point of view, learning about addiction can feel like a bait and switch. [7:50] ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ only works for so long in a committed relationship. Even the ‘right one’ can’t resolve a loved one’s addiction.  [10:15] Willing yourself out of addictive behavior has a very short success rate.  [11:22] When enough is enough, there is hope for addicts.  [12:46] Addiction prevents partners from being fully committed to each other, both in and out of the bedroom.  [16:40] Reading literature about porn addiction can help a partner understand what you are going through.  [18:46] Your partner knows better than anyone what you are going through in recovery.  [19:39] Geoff’s career of treating sex addicts didn’t start until he was in recovery.  [22:40] Geoff explains why he doesn’t self-disclose to his patients.  [24:50] The impact of addiction and recovery on parenting.    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Dr. Geoff Goodman Free Sexual Addiction Screening Assessment Partner Sexuality Survey   QUOTES: “From a spouses’ point of view, addiction must feel like a bait and switch.”  “Reading literature about porn addiction helped broaden the picture to help her understand that this isn’t unique to me.  This is a problem that many men experience.”  “I can’t even imagine being a father and acting out, even though I know it happens all of the time.”   

Dr. Rob continues his discussion with Josh Nichols on some of the common tactics addicts and abusers use to gaslight their victims. In this episode, Josh focuses on the person who is receiving the gaslight treatment. Whatever you might be going through, there is no shame in staying with your addict. Sometimes the best thing for your family is to work through the issues, and sometimes the best thing for your family is for you to leave. Each case is individual to the person, but the most important thing you should know is that you’re not crazy and that your initial gut reaction is almost always correct!    TAKEAWAYS: [1:35] Why do abusers work so hard to make someone think they’re crazy?   [3:35] You’re not a bad person if you were on the receiving end of this treatment.  [6:00] Abusers love to discredit your gut feelings and intuition, but your intuition is still accurate, deep down.  [8:25] A healthy person wants to have a conversation about an issue or a feeling they’re having, the gaslighter does not. They want you to be distracted by something else.  [11:45] It’s okay to question someone else’s version of reality.  [13:15] You’re not a weak person for staying with an abuser.  [15:25] What made Josh so interested in this subject? [19:40] You’re not alone in your pain. There are many people who have had to deal with a gaslighter.  [20:00] You are not this bad person that your abuser has made you out to be!  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Familysolutionsok.com QUOTES: “Abusers do it in such a way where they make you feel silly, stupid, or crazy. They teach you to not trust your gut, but your gut is still accurate.” “A healthy person wants to have more conversation about it, a gaslighter does not. The whole goal is to get you off my trail.” “Sometimes courage is leaving, and sometimes courage is staying.”  

Dr. Rob talks with Josh Nichols about common gaslighting tactics addicts and manipulative people tend to use. We like to think the world might be full of these calculating abusers, but often times these tactics are used as a knee-jerk reaction and come from a place of survival. Today, Josh offers some tips on how to spot a gaslighter and what you might be feeling from some of their gaslighting actions.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:10] A little bit about Josh and why he wanted to talk about gaslighting.  [2:55] What’s the difference between gaslighting and lair?   [5:40] Victims feel like they’re going crazy and feel such relief when a therapist finally validates their thoughts. [8:30] Why do people gaslight other people?  [10:45] A common tactic these people use is to confirm your belief in that person and then they will use this as leverage to deny your own reality.  [14:00] These people tend not to be psychopaths or sociopaths. They’re just trying to maintain control.  [17:25] A person will often try to use different tactics to cover up their gaslighting. What does this look like?  [18:00] There are three archetypes you have to look out for: The blame shifter, the victim, and the self-shamer.  [24:25] Unfortunately, gaslighters love to exploit your trust and sense of safety you have with that person.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Familysolutionsok.com QUOTES: “These people are exploiting some kind of vulnerability and they can exploit the trust and love in the relationship.” “Addicts have maladaptive coping mechanisms and are really good survivors, and gaslighting becomes one of the tools.” “Gaslighters have three different types: The blame shifter, the victim, and the self-shamer.”  

Heather Cronemiller and Lacy Bentley join Dr. Rob to talk about female sex addiction and the damage it can cause families. Both Lacy and Heather share their personal experience with being the ‘other woman’ and how, despite it going against everything they believed in, they still continued down a path of destruction. When it comes to any form of addiction, what we're really fighting against is deeply broken attachment wounds. Find out more on today’s episode.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:40] A little bit about Lacy and how she got introduced with Dr. Rob.  [3:20] A little bit about Heather and how she met Dr. Rob.  [5:30] Despite being married, Heather felt like she wasn’t with her soul mate. Everything she thought love was, was wrong.  [6:15] What does mature love feel like? [8:55] Heather realized through her own recovery, her husband is a wonderful man and replacing him with the ‘flavor of the month’ won’t fix the problem.  [13:35] What is polygamy and does it actually exist? Is it just a mask for sex addiction?  [21:00] Why is sex ‘never enough’ when working with sex addicts? [23:35] What does it look like to work with someone like Lacy as a female sex addict?  [25:00] Heather shares her personal experience working with Lacy and how it helped her move forward and on a healthier path of recovery.  [26:15] Heather talks about her recovery journey and what that looks like for her. [30:15] Lucy and Heather talk about their upcoming book, Going Deeper for Women!  [38:15] How does addiction bleed into other aspects of our lives?  [41:10] Heather shares why their book is going to help any woman going through addiction.  [47:10] There are nasty names we call women that we don’t call men, despite them both doing the same actions.  [50:50] Dr. Rob has met very few men who understand the experience of a woman and what she has to deal with when she goes out into the world.  RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Herrecoveryroadmap.com Oakhaven-counseling.com Going Deeper for Women   QUOTES: “Mature love is a choice and that can be complicated to say because it doesn’t feel like a choice.” “How many partners do you need for it to be ‘enough’? In sex addiction, it’s never enough.” “We are dealing with attachment wounds. We are dealing with childhood trauma. We’re not dealing with a woman who has a fully functional relational brain..”

Annie and Melissa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren’t always clear as to what was actually going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. This episode is part two of these two women sharing their very personal story of how they found out about their husbands’ addictions and how they got through it.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:15] Hindsight is 20/20. These are real and raw emotions and unfortunately, it’s difficult to hide or protect your children from what’s happening within your household.  [4:20] Melissa shares the reactions her friends and family had after they realized what was going on in her marriage.  [4:45] Annie found out that she had friends who loved her, but this topic was very difficult for them to handle.  [6:45] Did Annie’s husband’s porn use affect their intimate life?  [12:55] When Melissa joined a support group, it was the first time she felt validated and like she wasn’t going through this journey alone.  [23:45] Guess what, an addict can lie to their therapist! And some therapists eat it all up.  [30:50] Melissa knew for many years something was wrong but she just didn’t know what. Those years were painful; to constantly doubt herself.  [33:40] The work betrayed spouses have to go through to heal is very different from what an addict has to go through to make amends.   [39:15] How did Melissa and Annie meet? They’re so grateful for each other and their support!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Jasonvr.com Jason on LinkedIn Get Past Your Past   QUOTES: “You trust your spouse and it’s something that you never expected to happen. I never expected to find what I found.” “I knew my friends were trustworthy, but I couldn’t go to my friends and be like, ‘guess what I discovered now’. At least, I couldn’t.” “I will never be grateful this happened to me, but I am grateful that because it happened to me, I have made life-long friends.”

Annie and Melissa are two women who have experienced deep marital betrayal in their relationship. The signs weren’t always clear as to what was going on, but when the wool had been pulled over their eyes, the amount of emotions, judgment, and pain they experienced took a long time to recover from. These two women share their stories and also share why they decided to stay with their husbands and support them in their addiction.    TAKEAWAYS: [2:15] Today we hear from two women who have gone through painful marital betrayal.  [2:45] Why did these two women agree to come on and share their painful story today?  [3:50] When Melissa first found out about the betrayal, she didn’t see light at the end of the tunnel. Today, she does.  [6:25] Melissa really felt like everything in her relationship was good…until it wasn’t.  [13:00] What made Melissa throw her husband out of the house?  [14:50] What is betrayal trauma and why do so many partners experience it after finding out about their spouses affairs?  [20:00] Why did Annie stay in her relationship?  [20:55] When discovery happened, Annie had been married nearly 29 years.  [27:25] Dr. Rob defines what ‘porn’ means these days. It’s not just looking at a naked image anymore!  [28:50] Guys look at porn, what’s the big deal?  [31:15] Melissa’s husband would minimize her concerns when he was ‘out late’. She knew something was wrong, but couldn’t quite put her finger on why or what.  [32:45] Melissa’s husband is now upset at himself that he missed so much of his children’s lives because of his addiction.  [36:40] Annie shares that when people found out about her husband’s addiction, all the attention went to him. That’s when she felt so alone.  [38:30] Annie felt a second betrayal from her husband’s CSAT. She was dismissed in her feelings and she had no support!  [40:40] Melissa knew in her gut that something was wrong, so she snooped through his phone. When she found out all the lies and betrayal, she screamed so loud at him that it woke her children up.  [41:15] Melissa found out that their couple’s therapist knew about some of his betrayals and kept this information from her. Dr. Rob said this behavior was a violation of trust for a couple’s therapist. If you’re a therapist, don’t do this!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Jasonvr.com Jason on LinkedIn Get Past Your Past   QUOTES: “Anything that’s kept secret from the relationship is a betrayal. It doesn’t matter if it’s with a person or not. It’s all kept secrets and it’s all painful.” “Decades ago, when women left their husbands, they were scorned. Now, when we stay, they don’t understand.” “Just because he screws up doesn’t mean I’m going to throw my lift under a bus.”

Jason VanRuler is a therapist, coach, speaker, and author dedicated to impacting those who make an impact. His first book, Get Past Your Past, is all about establishing a mindset of emotional health and resilience to find lasting wholeness. In this episode, Jason shares his personal self-development journey, why going to therapy is so difficult for so many people, and why our natural inclination is to hurt others; intentionally or not.    TAKEAWAYS: [4:15] A little bit about Jason and how he became a therapist.   [10:10] Due to Jason’s rough upbringing, he knew he had to work on himself first before helping others. [14:40] Jason explains the reason why he likes to host outdoor retreats and how it helps with the healing process. [21:30] Best way to change your past and maladaptive behaviors is by surrounding yourself with different people.  [22:05] It’s important to be honest with yourself and really benchmark where you’re currently are.  [25:15] The more successful we get, the less likely we become surrounded by people who tell us the truth.  [30:15] Therapists are truth tellers and this is why going to therapy is so hard.  [37:45] There was a time in Jason’s life where going to therapy seemed impossible.  [38:45] What can we do today that empowers a better story?  [40:45] Have a question for Jason? Reach out!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Jasonvr.com Jason on LinkedIn Get Past Your Past   QUOTES: “We aspire to have something that only a different community will give us. If don’t have a different community, our current one just keeps us in the same spot.” “Be honest with where you’re at. So many times we fantasize how we want it to look.” “I think people always hurt people. Always. I don’t think people have gotten out of life without hurting other people, sometimes it’s intentional and sometimes it’s not. ”

Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about PTSD, intentional listening to your partner, and how to regain your partner’s trust.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:50] How could I compete with a porn star?  [3:40] Women feel like if he’s watching porn, he’s checked out of the relationship.  [5:05] Can this sort of betrayal cause PTSD? Dr. Sandra believes so.  [11:40] How can you create meaningful dialogue when talking about something so difficult? [14:20] You can create intentional listening while putting ‘guard rails’ on it.  [15:25] If your relationship is in crisis right now, it’s going to be okay. It doesn’t mean that’s where you’re going to end up.  [19:10] How can you rebuild trust again?  [25:30] If you have children, the reason to heal your relationship should be at the forefront of your mind.   RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drsandrashachar.com Dr. Sandra on LinkedIn The Porn Solution   QUOTES: “We depend on other human beings for our very survival. In order to survive as a human being, we need intimate connection with at least one other human being.” “What matters most in an intimate relationship is to feel seen, heard, and understood by your partner.” “If you have children, this affects them. The keeping of secrets, they feel all of that.”

Sandra A. Shachar, Ph.D., is a Licensed Psychologist in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and has over thirty years of clinical experience working with individuals, couples and families affected by Betrayal Trauma. She is also the author of The Porn Solution, which dives into the world of betrayal through porn use and what partners can do to navigate themselves through it. In this episode, Dr. Sandra talks about the definition of betrayal, why porn affects so many people, and why it’s okay to ask for your needs to be met.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:20] Is porn cheating?  [3:55] Why did Dr. Sandra write the book, The Porn Solution?  [7:10] What is the definition of a betrayal?  [12:05] Porn, what’s the big deal? I’m not cheating on you!  [18:10] Why does porn betrayal affect women so deeply?  [22:35] How can we regain a partner’s trust after a betrayal?  [24:30] You have a right to ask for your needs to be met. It’s okay to have needs!  [29:15] What is a problem for one person, is a problem for both people.  [29:55] Porn isn’t the issue, it’s the trust!    RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Drsandrashachar.com Dr. Sandra on LinkedIn The Porn Solution   QUOTES: “When I talk to spouses about their experience of whether porn felt like a betrayal to the relationship, we got up to 80%. We have a population of female spouses who say it’s a big deal.” “It’s not the act of what you’re doing specifically, it’s the deception. It’s what you’ve hidden me that constitutes as the betrayal.” “It makes absolute sense why you’re reacting the way you are. This is normal under these abnormal circumstances.”

Dr. Rob and Tami talk about the healing properties a journal practice can have. A listener wrote that her therapist wants her to journal out the resentment and anger that her SA has caused her, but the mere thought of doing this gets her re-triggered and angry all over again. Is there really a point to all of this aside from re-remembering the betrayal?    TAKEAWAYS: [:25] My SA husband’s entire family has suffered from some sort of sexual addiction or abuse. Is all of this hereditary?  [8:30] How can intermittent reward cause or enhance relationship addiction?  [16:15] What’s the point of writing my betrayal down? I feel so angry just thinking about it.  [18:50] If you have a lot of anger inside you, a journal practice can be very healing.  [19:45] My addict is weaseling out of our initial agreement. What should I do?  [26:05] If you’re not doing the work, then it doesn’t matter what you say or do.  [26:15] He’s sober but still can’t be intimate with me. He says he feels shame. Is this just an excuse?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the gray area between just having fun, being “at-risk” for an addiction, and being a full-blown addict. It can be difficult to define the line fully when you’re in the middle of a “good time.” Dr. Rob offers various considerations for you to think about to determine whether you’re barely teetering the line or if you’re in a bad and unsustainable place.   TAKEAWAYS: [:35] I believe my partner is a narcissist and a sex addict. He’s hurting me but I can’t seem to walk away. How can I just leave him? [8:40] Have a three-circle plan! You need a healthy plan that will value you. [10:50] Can you become addicted to friendships? [15:50] My betrayed partner doesn’t believe me anymore, even when I’m telling her the truth. Do I just agree with her? [22:30] Is there an in-between stage where someone can be between “at-risk” for an addiction vs. being a complete addict? [26:55] Do I need to do yet another formal disclosure with my addict? We just don’t have the money for another therapist right now.   RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss  

Lucy Beresford hosts LBC Radio’s Sex and Relationships show and she’s the author of 4 books, including the global best-seller Happy Relationships. She works as a psychotherapist at The Grace Clinic, London and from time to time at The Delhi Psychiatry Centre in India under Dr. Sunil Mittal. In this episode, Lucy talks about refinding your voice again after a betrayal, how to create a deeper connection with a partner, and what are the steps forward if you continue to stay in a marriage that had a betrayal in it.    TAKEAWAYS: [5:00] Lucy shares a time where she lost her voice and had to rediscover it again.  [6:10] How can you show up for yourself? How can you own your own voice? [7:30] What does Lucy mean to ‘have a voice’?  [10:15] It’s very hard for women who have experienced betrayal to have a voice.  [12:10] When women get into relationships, their sense of self often gets drowned out.  [19:40] It’s so hard to stay committed to someone when you’ve had a small fight; much less a betrayal. [24:50] Unfortunately for addicts, they’ve hurt their best friend and partner and so they can not depend on this person (right now) for emotional support.  [31:10] What do we unwillingly enable in someone else because of our own baggage and history?  [34:35] You’ve consciously chosen to stay, now what?  [40:45] Lucy talks about disclosed non-monogamy and what that means for a couple.   [46:15] If your personality is being crushed and you’re becoming a former version of yourself, when should you stop everything and listen? [50:00] A little bit about Lucy and her work/books.     RESOURCES: Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Out of the Doghouse by Robert Weiss Lucyberesford.com Lucy on LinkedIn Infidelity: to stay or go…?   QUOTES: “I didn’t know I had permission not to have children. It showed me there are people out there who are making choices in their life for other people.” “What’s the impact of you living authentically? It’s one thing to be sad about the life you had, it’s another to assist in that sadness.” “How do I retain a sense of me while celebrating and nourishing ‘we’?”