TO BE CONTINUED (this episode cuts off in the middle of a conversation)In Part 1 of this two-part episode, Julie chats with her peeps ElsieXO and Jordan to try to uncover the secrets of keeping sex and kink alive in long-term cohabiting poly relationships. All kinky, poly, queer women married to cis men for years, they discuss some of many challenges they have faced in keeping their long-term relationships sexy. While there are obviously many ways to promote and share different kinds of intimacy in relationships, this episode targets everyone who's ever asked: "but what do I do to keep things hot and spicy when the spice level was already so damned high?" In this episode, we coin terms like "sex inertia" and describe some of the factors that can affect the ebb and flow of sex and kink connectivity in long-term cohabiting relationships. We will continue the conversation in part 2, with greater focus on solutions.
Trigger warnings: mental health, eating disordersIn this episode, Julie tackles a subject few have been brave enough to ask: what's the real difference between BDSM and non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI, self-harm, "cutting," etc.)? Especially to outsider observers, BDSM and NSSI can look incredibly similar. Being a lifelong masochist who has never really engaged in serious NSSI, Julie found two volunteers (Cait and Siren) who were incredibly open about their experiences with BDSM and NSSI and the complex potential overlap between the two. At root, the difference mostly seems to come down to BDSM's association with sociability, connectedness, and joy, whil NSSI is associated with isolation, feelings of self-hatred, and shame.As a sociologist, Julie also challenges some of the heavy stigma that NSSI faces, arguing that many activities society perceives as very positive (from running to drinking alcohol to ballet) can potentially have much more negative consequences than NSSI. She also points out that in general, pain does seem to often help humans process emotions, and the social understanding of both NSSI and BDSM probably needs to do a better job of incorporating that reality.Huge thanks to Cait and Siren for being willing to share so much of themselves in this episode!Referenced in this episode:Secretary (2002) Ginny & Georgia (2021-)
In this episode, Julie and her sub Artifiction discuss some of the challenges of moving from Dominant/submissive desires to actually translating those desires to relationships that can be manifested in the real world. They discuss D/s as an abstraction as well as some of its practical realities. Along the way, they talk about major obstacles in this process of creating these relationships, as well as how they began to create the dynamic that they both wanted.(When recording the episode, Julie promised to look up the answer to the question, "do men quit their jobs more than women?" The answer turns out to be, "alas, the question is too complicated to answer effectively.")Photo credit RainImagery
In this episode, Julie and her co-top SugarAndPoison break down some the pleasures and cautionary tales of co-topping. While recounting some of their favorite scenes together, they discuss things to be on the lookout for--in both good ways and bad--when plotting and planning co-topping scenes. They discuss the co-topping elements of everything from two-person rigged rope scenes to cuckolding scenes, and discuss how to get the most out of them.
This episode provides a very brief survey of some interesting and occasionally significant figures from bisexual and polyamorous history, primarily targeting people who were born in the nineteenth century.Here are links to many of the sources: Virginia WoolfEleanor Roosevelt Cole Porter Julie D’AubignyJD contAlfred KinseyMorning Glory Zell RavenheartMGZR contMa RaineyJosephine BakerFrida KahloWilliam Moulton MarstonWMM contErwin SchrodingerDavid GarnettDG contJack Parsons
This episode is a continuation of the previous one where Julie and Remy discuss their book, Violated: Sexual Consent and Assault in the 21st Century (with obvious trigger warnings for discussion of sexual assault). They begin by discussing aspects of the BDSM subculture that can might be able to inform consent practices in the broader culture. Then they focus on the discussions of rape law in the book, which include the historical development of rape and sexual assault laws, followed by their take on mens rea (intentionality) and the desperate need to "grade" rape laws more like we currently grade homicide--by intent, not just offense.For the book:Amazon linkPublisher's link
Picking up from an earlier episode where Julie read the first chapter of Violated, Julie (a sociologist) and Remy (a lawyer) discuss their book, Violated: Sexual Consent and Assault in the 21st Century (to be continued in the next episode). They talk about how they came to write the book, things that surprised them as they worked on it, and the key themes of the book. The three most important of those themes are: (1) how gender norms end up inevitably creating sexual mistrust and encouraging sexual violations (2) how the construction of sexual assault law doesn't take really take intentionality into account and (3) how we should be exploring the concept of "consent hygiene" and asking, in a world where so many initial sexual encounters take place while one or both people are intoxicated, what's "good enough" consent?Mentioned in this episode:Hong (2018)XKCD
Building on a previous episode about sexuality and gender (with Doug Robinson), this episode explores more ideas and themes around this weird and complicated topic. This breakdown includes things like some of the emotional and psychological dimensions of sexual attraction and identity, and how much of modern dating has come to be defined by willingness--or reluctance--to conform to a norm of three-dates-then-sex. They focus on grey areas of gender non-conformity, ace-spectrum experiences, and the nature of attraction.Previous related episodes: Season 2, Episode 3: Born this way!Season 1, Episode 7: Chatting about FemDom
In this episode, Julie reads the first chapter of her book, Violated: Sexual Consent and Assault in the 21st Century. Next month, she will have two episodes with her co-author Remy Green discussing their book. This episode provides the introduction for that conversation. Enjoy, and stay tuned!Violated link
In this episode, Julie and her friend Doug Robinson chat about some of the things they love about group sex (threesomes, foursomes, and moresomes). Whether it's enjoying the freedom that comes with embracing queer sexuality or new ways to share bodies and friends, they talk a lot about the bonding that comes from group sex. They also talk about the Bad Stuff--problematic community and relationship dynamics that can really get in the way of the good time.
In this episode, Julie speculates about some of the reasons there's apparently such a high overlap between BDSM/polyamory and neurodivergence. There's very little published research on this topic, but there's a great deal of interest within these communities, so she considers some of the reasons these things might be related. She also takes a lengthy detour to discuss aphantasia and rope.Mentioned in this episode: The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der KolkThe Prosocial Sadist? by Jennifer Erickson and Brad SagarinEhlers-Danlos Syndromes Information
Sadly, there's no full audio recording (yet!) of my sociological book on the American BDSM scene, Please Scream Quietly: A Story of Kink. But here's chapter 1, Introduction: Your Fantasy Is My Reality, read by the author.You can buy my book on Amazon, or you can buy it straight from the publisher. (If you're purchasing internationally, I believe the publisher is your best bet).
Traditional BDSM culture has tended to ignore the artistry of being a good switch in favor of pure-dom/pure-sub identities and dynamics. Contemporary BDSM culture places a much higher value on switches and switching, but the specific skillset remains less understood and appreciated. In this episode, Julie and ElsieXO describe some switch identity journeys and unpack some of the skills good switches need. (Also, the Doug described in Elsie's story is in fact Doug Robinson, previous guest of the show). Apologies that some of the sound quality in this episode deteriorates a bit at the end--even extensive editing couldn't quite fully save it :-(
Julie and her sub Artifiction have both been writing erotica for years. In this episode, they share their wildly different journeys to the same destination of writing smutty stories. They discuss the qualities of good erotica, share perspectives on erotica reading and writing, and end with tips, tricks, and games for writing it for yourself, an audience, and/or your partner.Julie has published stories in:Best Women's Erotica, volume 8Big Book of Quickies
~Content warning: Very explicit BDSM erotica~Welcome to the Valentine's Day erotica special! This episode is a two-parter. This second episode contains two original short stories by Julie that are Fem Dom/masc sub. The first is "The first taste" and the second is "Possession."If you're looking for published versions of my stories, check out these anthologies:Best Women's Erotica, Volume 8Big Book of Quickies
~Content warning: Very explicit BDSM erotica~Welcome to the Valentine's Day erotica special! This episode is a two-parter. This first episode contains two original short stories by Julie that are Masc Dom/fem sub. The first is "Your dirty little fuck toy" and the second is "The kind of slut you are."If you're looking for published versions of my stories, check out these anthologies:Best Women's Erotica, Volume 8Big Book of Quickies
In this conversation between Julie and Doug Robinson, they unpack some of the quirks and challenges of defining and articulating more complicated "sexual orientations." Both of them feel like usual labels don't do a great job of encompassing their own sexual desires and experiences, and they question the usefulness of these labels. In particular, Julie questions the wisdom of depending on "born this way" as an explanation/justification for sexual attraction, arguing that even if sexual attraction is a choice, that shouldn't make it any less legitimate.Fashion plate toy mentioned in this episode: https://amzn.to/3WISInk
In this episode, Julie interviews playwright Doug Robinson about his experiences growing up and living as a gender non-conforming man. A pressing point in their conversation is the need for a social equivalent for feminine butch for men. We have come to accept a gender identity/presentation (at least for queer women) of "woman, but kind of masculine," but we have no corresponding identity/presentation of "man, but kind of feminine." Inspired by male seahorses, who can carry the babies of their species, Doug argues for a more expansive social construction of masculinity.Mentioned in this episode:You Know Me Well by Nina LaCour and David LevithanAlso, if you're in the DC area this Feb through March, you can see one of Doug's plays!
In this episode, Julie talks about many the things that she loves about rope bondage (sometimes called shibari) and discusses vocabulary for talking about what we all love about rope. From art to dance to sex to intimacy to spirituality, there are so many ways to approach rope and do it with passion. This episode is intended for experienced rope lovers to articulate what they love about rope, and for people who are unfamiliar with rope learn more about what the rest of us get out of this demanding and versatile hobby-kink.Rope and Photo by Lex_Red, Bottom JulieLinks to related instagram posts:How to talk about what you love about ropeDifferent perspectives on loving rope
Trigger warning: brief discussion about Consensual Non-Consent (CNC) and Dubious Consent (DubCon)Feminine dominants are a much misunderstood, misidentified, and misrepresented bunch. In this episode, Julie has a laughing (very late night) conversation with her co-top partner SugarandPoison about their "villain-coded" kinks as fem tops/sadists/doms. They discuss some of the challenges of finding an identity as a fem dom, and spend a lot of time going over their pleasures in it as well. Most of all, they remind listeners that you can do and be a fem dom however you want--their version just happens to lean rather dark and evil.Photo credit: Julie tying ScarlettPanda at Boundcon '24, photographed by LadyZady