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Terrible Book Club

Author: Chris & Paris

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Join Chris & Paris every other Tuesday to discover if you really can judge a book by its hideous cover, bad title, or weird synopsis.


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82 Episodes
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Get your bingo cards ready! We've invited the Antiques Freaks over to our place again to read yet another story from Carnacki the Ghost Finder. This time, we tackle The Gateway of the Monster. Chris treats us to some expert scoring and sound effects while Paris insults the entirety of the British isles with her awful fake accent.
Paris and Chris return to the very horny Midlands with our woods guide, TJ! He helped us out when we read Stone of Tears, and he was so invaluable that we put a Rada-Han on him and forced him to guide us through Blood of the Fold, too. Although not strictly necessary, we recommend listening to the 2 other episodes we've done regarding the Sword of Truth series before starting this one: Episode 3 - Episode 03 - Wizard's First Rule (Sword of Truth Series Book #1) by Terry Goodkind Episode 22 - Stone of Tears by Terry Goodkind (Sword of Truth Series Book #2) *Special Guest TJ Allen* Our commentary on the first season of the ABC series adaptation of these books - the Legend of the Seeker - is is available on our Patreon if you need even more Sword of Truth content. Content Warnings: Our usual barnyard language, plus: ageism, body shaming, sex, sexual assault, torture, and generalized violence.
This week we discuss another book that Chris found out in the real world at a local book store: a self-help book that's based on the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz.  If you've got difficult problems in life and choices to make, just think - What Would Dorothy Do? Content Warnings: Just our usual barnyard language and a brief mention of sexual assault.
Although not strictly necessary, we recommend listening to these 4 other episodes before starting this one in the following order: Episode 11 - Maradonia and the Seven Bridges Episode 62 - Maradonia and the Escape from the Underworld Episode 63 - Maradonia and the Gold of Ophir Episode 86 - The Secret of Moon Lake This book was chosen by our patron Dari as part of her Patreon reward. If you, too, would like to force us to read a book, head over to our Patreon and select either the $5 or $10/month tier. Our commentary on the Maradonia movie is available on our Patreon at those tiers as well if you need even more Maradonia content.
Today's book was read at the behest of our patron Ciaran. Thanks so much for supporting the show, Ciaran! Check out our Patreon here to get this and other rewards for yourself. Sofia Nova is the new identity of Gloria Tesch. Free from her father's direct influence, she has written a new book outside of the world of Maradonia (though with some noticeable carry-over, from mermaids to boys who  just love fishing to the art work). While The Secret of Moon Lake isn't something we'd recommend in its current state, this book shows significant improvement over the Maradonia saga. With some re-writes and good editing, this could sit comfortably in the Goosebumps pantheon. Content Warning: In addition to our usual barnyard language, this episode contains a brief discussion of pedophilia as well as sirens and sounds of arrest at the very beginning.
Chris's book scouting in the real world yielded today's book, which we didn't totally dislike! It may not be for us, but there's some good writing in here and great character portraits. That being said, it's another heavy episode today so please be prepared for the below content warnings before you embark on the journey of Episode 84. Content warnings: Today we’ve got our usual barnyard language, plus: potentially derogatory terms for people with paraplegia, car accidents, sex, paralysis, pregnancy, infidelity, depression, suicide, assault, and bestiality.
Our favorite Antiques Freaks, D & Ken, are back! In ghost form! We decide that space IS ghosts, have a ghost horse gobble-neighing contest, and try to figure out how the hell this short story from 1910 was ever considered a pre-cursor to Lovecraft.
Get your candles and bad couplets ready - we're goin' Bitchcraftin'! You can watch a video of us recording this on Twitch until 4/25/2020: https://www.twitch.tv/videos/590324686
Chris asked a bookstore employee to take him to the worst book they had seen lately, so we ended up getting BLASTED by this BOOKSHOT from James Patterson.  Audio quality warning: Chris accidentally positioned Paris's mic backwards so her audio is gonna' be a bit roomier than normal. Sorry! Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, we discuss murder, poisoning, use of the word gypsy, there are sounds of gunshots, and Paris gives a PSA about washing your goddamn hands before engaging in sexual activity. There are also mild spoilers for Malazan Book #3 - Memories of Ice when we have our good media discussion around 00:56 - 1:01. Oops! Around 1:02 Paris says "anagram" when she meant to say "analogue."
We learn to control everyone with this ONE WEIRD TRICK! Chris tries to hypnotize Paris into loving bad books. This material was so short and devoid of substance that we once again play a guessing game. This time, Paris creates a game based on Amazon book SEO for Chris to play that he christens Not on Top.
We begin this episode by arguing about tigers and lions and eventually make our way to discussing the mechanics of human and tiger-man mating. This book as a whole wasn't totally terrible though it does rely on a lot of noir/private eye stereotypes. Once again, friend-of-the-show Hillary spotted this book in the wild and donated it to us. Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, we've got fighting, borderline beastiality, drug use, and racism.
Paris and Chris have had a long evening of crafting for the previous episode. They then try to work their way through Maze while in an exhausted, sleep-deprived state beginning after midnight. Chances aren't good for these adventurers. Will Paris and Chris solve the Maze, find Room 45, and escape back to Room 1? Or will they forever wander through this book as penance?
T'was the week before Christmas and all through the house, could be heard Paris and Chris shrieking, and not from a mouse. The shrimp were speared on the cone with care,  In hopes that Terriblo would soon be there.   The roommates were nestled all snug in their beds; While visions from Lovecraft danced in their heads;   And Paris in her hoodie, and Chris in his too, Continued to slice and spear as the Shrimp Tree grew.   When out in the kitchen there arose such a clatter, The roommates sprang from their beds to see what was the matter.   Away to the kitchen they flew like a flash, Tore open their doors and heard a loud crash.   The fluorescent light casting shadows o'er all, Masking the tears of laughter as they fall,   When what to their horrified eyes did slam, But a shrimp tree and a vegetable lamb,   With two friends so lost in their crafts, They knew in a moment they must have gone daft,   More mad than a hatter as they wondered who to blame, And they whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:   "Now, olives! now, shrimp! now eggplant and styrofoam! On, turnips! on, carrots! on, eggplant and cone!   To the top of the kitchen! to the top of the wall! Now craft away! Craft away! Craft away all!"
There was so much Christmas cheer in this series that we had to call in our friends over at the Amazon Book Club to help us read it! Check out their episode that covers the first book, Christmas in Silver Bell Falls. A Christmas Rescue was so flavorless and dull that we ended up talking about other stuff for the latter half the episode. We play a guessing game Chris designed called Power Rangers Monster or Weed Strain? followed by giving summaries of our Thanksgiving breaks - including a narration of everything that was wrong with the Air BnB Paris stayed in while she was in Montreal.
This psychological thriller didn't so much thrill us as annoy and infuriate us. Diary entries read like screenplays, the writing is bland overall, and ultimately the framing and plot have major issues. How does this book have such good ratings and reviews? Thanks to Chris's partner Rebecca for recommending this and donating her copy to the show. Content warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, we've got descriptions of abuse, assaults, break-ins, drug use, murder, and flagrant ethical violations in professional/client interaction. Audio quality warning: A bad XLR cable caused some crackling/static on Paris's track towards the end of the episode. We did as much as we could to mitigate this, but it is still audible. Apologies!
In this edition of Microwave Cooking for One in Space, we ascend with our arsenal of 200 microwaves. We're gonna' cook Mars just right. We read the original Moon People four years ago in Episode 14. Thank you to listener Daniel Canady for this recommendation. Content Warnings are light this week - just some mild sex and violence in addition to our usual barnyard language.
When D & Ken listened to 30 seconds of our podcast and told us we were good, we immediately invited them onto our show as guests and then got podcast married. Our ghost moms warned us to, "Beware the Old-Stuff-Weirdos," but there's no way that refers to the Antiques Freaks. D calls in their Patron debt and forces us to read Crimson Peak. We also watched Crimson Peak for Patrons. Paris has already seen Crimson Peak once before and hated it. After a week steeped in Crimson Peak, Paris has the equivalent of 4 beers lined up for this recording because she's had enough of this damned film and its book counterpart. Content Warnings: In addition to our usual barnyard language, we discuss ghosts, gore, blood, sex, and incest.
Neither of us over at TBC are into "bizarro" fiction, but today we discover that this corner of literature exists and it sure lives up to its moniker.  The weirdest and creepiest thing about this episode is that...well, there were actually redeeming qualities about this book. Yes - a book called The Haunted Vagina wasn't the worst thing we've ever read. The author somehow managed to create believable characters in a very unbelievable world. Content Warnings: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here. In addition to our usual barnyard language, we’ve got: graphic sex, macabre things happening in conjunction with that sex, and extreme body horror (including vore). Thank you to Carol for recommending this one!
It's October, so this episode is the first in our series of spooky books in honor of the season. After a long day of stocking up on fun size candy bars, putting together a cool costume, and decorating your yard with fake spiderwebs, you're just dying to curl up with a Halloween-themed mystery that stars a living skeleton, right?...right?...sure. This book was recommended by friend-of-the-show, Kristina! Thanks so much for recommending this and patiently waiting for us to read it for 2 years. The book itself is pretty wholesome, but we've got some Content Warnings for you anyhow. In addition to our classic TBC barnyard language, we’ll be discussing bones, murder, skeletons, and online bullying and we'll briefly touch upon (1) a statement involving racial prejudice, (2) the use of the word 'handicap', & (3) suicide.  
Another week, another screenplay disguised as a book. This one is a real Russian nesting doll of poor choices. Thanks to Bob from Books, Beards, & Booze for recommending this one to us!  Content Warnings: blood, death, fights between women, gore, injury, & misogyny.
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