The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast

Doctor Henry wants some tiki-taka and chocolate that sh*ts. Josiah displays Martin Tyler-levels of bias, and did you know that he went to East Asia last year? Both eat chocolate for Jesus and the Pope. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast at Easter.

Daman's got special plans for Mo Salah and Northwick Park Hospital. Josiah and Mo are rooting for Gary from Harrow. It's still capitalism, guys, on The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.Follow Daman on Instagram for brill sketches and updates on where to see him live this year.And tickets are available now to see Jason Thurston in Edinburgh this August. He is bringing the Festival to this year's Fringe. Follow him on Bluesky, too, for regular updates on his brilliant life.

Lawyer Sikisa loves her some defence. Josiah can't get angry. Both enjoy The Dead Gossip Derby. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.Listen to Sikisa on Wrestle Club UK Podcast and look out for her at this year's Edinburgh Fringe.And whilst you're there, go and see Jason Thurston's Acting MasterClass with Jason Thurston just for the sake of it! The show runs from August 3rd-9th with tickets available now! Shows on the 4th and 5th are 2-4-1. Follow him on Bluesky, too, if you like.

Drew will be a referee if football fans start being NICE. Josiah's at war with Pete Winkleman and Cranberry Sauce. Both play Christmas-themed Top Tens galore and ALSO rank the Top Ten Scandals in Football. Gift-wrapped and packed to the brim, do enjoy Christmas down the pub with The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Merry Chrimbles, everyone!

Bella's on a Bang On The Door vibe. Josiah's such a complicated person. Both enjoy the peak of pop music from 2011-2014. Feel the Bangarang on The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Ruby's off to The Garage Disco™. Josiah wants an invite to chant writing down the pub. Just Let It Go and bunker down for a Christmassy Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Enjoy Ruby's impressions on TikTok and Instagram. And whilst on your cursed social media devices, head over to The Rosebuddies Instagram page where everyone's favourite moral compass, Crunston Colin Marmalazou, is giving us one video a day this December as a part of his Merry Crunstmas Advent Calendar. Merry Crunstmas!

Mauro has big plans for tourism in Sardinia. Josiah loves him some shithousery. Juventus love them some stealing. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

’Tis the big 5 0 for the poddy! And what better way to celebrate than reshaping the entire football league based on geographical desirability? That’s a rhetorical question because it’s already been done.  Josiah and Ben love their travels. Josiah will visit anywhere with a football team. Ben will visit anywhere with a brown road sign. On their expeditions, they’ve often asked themselves the same questions: ‘Is The UK actually quite naff?’ ‘Does that naffness make it beautiful?’ ‘Is everywhere actually just the same?’ ‘There’s always a Tesco Express.’ Well now is the time for a good old-fashioned ranking of the 92 places in the football league that represent football teams that may as well just be the same place. Josiah and Ben haven’t been to all of them, but Google sure has. And no spoilers (!!!!), but let’s just say supporters of Harrogate Town and Tottenham Hotspur are about to get their lives flip-turned upside down. It’s The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast - 50th Episode Special! A PDF of our new football league skyscraper can be found here. Walk around Accrington here. Speen can also be found here. Great stuff. Timecodes if you wish: (08:59) - League Two (27:17) - League One (54:35) - Championship (01:22:18) - Premier League

Alex recommends growing up with Travis Kelcie and invites you to tommy's. Josiah loves a Randy and shows off his 90's rap knowledge. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Indulge yourself with Alex's sketch work on Instagram and catch him doing improv with The Free Association from time to time.

Anna's got good distraction tactics. Josiah's got an ant infestation. Let's all make the whales happy and meditate to The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Trinity's skipping to the end. Josiah's enamoured with Brice Samba. England have got Sunday in the bag [TO BE EDITED OUT IF THEY HAVE SUBSEQUENTLY NOT GOT IT IN THE BAG]. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Mairéad's hyping her boys. Josiah's equipment capitulates at the mention of Love Island. Memphis Depay needs a roast dinner. It's Underdogs v Hot Guys on The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Listen to Craic On with Mairead Doyle Heffernan wherever you get your wicked poddies. Tickets for Jason Thurston's Acting MasterClass with Jason Thurston are also available now! Please buy some. He really needs this.

Isaac admires football's rules lawyer. Josiah knowingly gives himself heartburn - it's a special occasion after all! Both rank their Top Ten non-footballing celebrities in football. By the patron saint of Steve Cooper, it's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Josiah's off t'other side of ' world for a few weeks (if three weeks counts as a few) - which seems to make this an appropriate time to look back on the series gone by so far, reveal deleted chatter from every episode, and even 20 minutes of a top secret lost episode that has yet to be released! Wow. The drama never ceases. Not here. On The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast.

Toussaint wants birdsong at the footy and would be concerned if young millionaires were serious about the game. Josiah's a hard-man and needs some walnuts. The first word's gonna be crucial in this one. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Follow Toussaint on Instagram for some reet funny stuff.

Tiff's got double entendres for days and builds a premium football club. Josiah just can't beat the next level on Royal Match. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Catch Tiff in Slotherhouse now, see her live during the Edinburgh Fringe, listen to her on Catharsis, and follow her on Instagram and all. That's most senses covered.

Ben's on the hot squash and tells tales of Mr P. Josiah's very sleepy and recently fell down a hill. Both reshape the League One table based on geographical desirability and rank the Top Ten best names in all of football. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. We are putting on a free preview of Jason Thurston's Acting MasterClass with Jason Thurston as we seek feedback ahead of the Camden Fringe. We would love to have you there. You can also watch Ben's star-turn in Pete The Panda right now, if you so wish to.

Tom emulates Danny Murphy's consummate professionalism. Josiah's on the fence about Graeme Souness. Both reveal the line-ups of Cute and Butters five-a-side teams and rank the Top Ten worst football commentators/pundits. Bloody hell, Gareth! It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. Do enjoy Sam Matterface here at his absolute best. And do also catch Tom's star-turns in The Rosebuddies Sketchtacular, a comedy special that doesn't feel a day older than 18 months, and Come Die With Me, a beautifully shot film in a beautiful flat.

Shiny wants football to be more operatic. Josiah has a scintillating anecdote about a parcel that he recently received - oh, the life that he leads! Foda-se, Porto! It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. If you're a keen video editor, or just enjoy the sultry tones of Shiny's voice, listen to The Video Editing Podcast today and until the end of time!

Riya and her Midas touch need only watch halves of football at a time. She appears at (24:24). Jordan enjoys her role as Rylan in the first half. Josiah enjoys players breaking rules creatively. It's The Alternative Football Commentary Podcast. If, like Riya, your sense of humour is broken and/or you like photos of lions, do enjoy her TikTok and Instagram accounts.