"That Room is Not the Place You Are Now" is a "Welcome to Night Vale" Podfic written & read by myself, Ashlee Craft! Read the fanfic on AO3 here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24014026 Description: Cecil has a PTSD flashback from something traumatic that happened to him as a child, & Carlos is there to comfort him. Hurt/comfort. For audiences 13+. TW Notes: TW: This story is a lot less dark than fics I've previously written haha, but there still are a few things I'd like to mention: (1) A lot of the story describes a PTSD flashback (including the panic-related physical symptoms, dissociation/derealization/depersonalization, & the utter fear) in a detailed way. This is based on my own personal experiences with flashbacks tbh- (2) The trauma in question relates to violence/threat of violence. It involves a childhood home invasion by an estranged family member of Cecil's who's been terrorizing his family, & said family member threatens & acts as though he's going to kill him & also threatens his family, while his family is helpless & terrified, unable to help him. There's no graphic violence, but just wanted to list those in case they're triggering for anyone :) (3) Cecil experiences some brief feelings of self-loathing in regards to the event/his mental health afterwards.
Trigger Warning for Sample: sample contains depression & depressed feelings, self-loathing, explicit language, verbal abuse, alcohol & drug abuse, mentions of suicide, & references to self-harm. DESCRIPTION: I guess I’m telling you this because I trust you. You make me feel safe, & you’ve always seen me when I felt invisible. I wanted you to know the story of how I got to be the way I am now. It started with my family; the verbal abuse & lack of love from them finally took its toll, the night I packed my belongings & drove off to anywhere but where I was, & moved in with a bohemian artist named Sara. Another thing? We haven’t even gotten started yet. Him. He keeps swirling around in my head. The ghosts of his kisses on my lips. The ghosts of his arms around me. The ghosts of his hands caressing my skin. The ghosts of the way it felt when I had my hand on his chest & felt his heart beating, that time when he pressed his forehead into mine & closed his eyes, & we sat there breathing each other’s air, our chests pressed together, & he whispered to me that he loved me, & I pressed my lips against his & kissed him fervently, & for the first time in my life, I felt like everything was going to be okay someday. But it wasn’t. Not even close. “You’re too sad.” He told me two months later. “I just can’t deal with it. I can’t handle it, because it hurts me too much. It hurts too much to see you like this, but I’ve tried everything, & it seems to me like you don’t even want to get better.” Maybe I didn’t. I don’t know. It didn’t feel like it, all the days I lied in bed drinking & smoking & wishing it would all go away, days spent remembering him & the way he felt. Sometimes though, I would struggle like a bird, beating my wings against the bars uselessly trying to pull myself out of the pit. Then someone new moved in across the street, his name was James, & strangely, he became the ladder I needed. Publish Date // February 25, 2017 Paperback 396 Pages Genre // Fiction
Recently, I had the opportunity to interview Jason Gardner, an awesome personal/life coach & professional magician & musician that I met through Benjamin Hardy's AMP course. Jason is one of those people who just has a ton of positive vibes flowing from them, the kind of person just interacting with them makes you feel uplifted. Here, Jason talks about personal development, letting the good in you seek the good in others, & real magic! You can find out more about Jason at http://www.jasonescape.com/
In Episode 042 of The Ashlee Craft Show, I read my article "Here's Why Happiness is the Best Revenge" & tell you WHY using your success as revenge against those who've wronged you is about YOU, & not about them. READ THE ORIGINAL ARTICLE HERE :: http://www.ashleecraft.com/personal-evolution/heres-why-happiness-is-the-best-revenge/ Website: http://www.ashleecraft.com Shop: htpp://www.shop.ashleecraft.com PODCAST on iTunes: http://apple.co/2yXshjm Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/Ashlee_Craft Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Ashlee-Craft-1531736820466815 Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ashleecraft Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ashleecraft/ Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/ashleecraft/ Amazon: https://goo.gl/lcAO6V Freedom Meadow Media: http://www.freedommeadowmedia.com
In Episode 041 of The Ashlee Craft Show, I read a poem from my Spring poetry book called "Easter". Also, I'm wearing Easter egg novelty socks & carrot-shaped earrings! SPRING POETRY BOOK : https://amzn.to/2E98xsB // EASTER after spring cleaning is completed & the house is refreshed / opening the windows to clean out the air trapped in here by the winds of winter / running free thru fields / then coming back home to decorate for Easter slowly removing the colorful Easter basket from the cardboard box in the garage & setting the basket, woven with pink & yellow straw, upon the black table in the corner / the sound of crinkling & plastic being torn, opening the bag of Easter grass & arranging the yellow cellophane in the bottom / tying a ribbon around the basket’s handle & smiling back at it next removing the sentimental Easter tree from the box / the pale pink bark peeling, the metal branches bent at odd angles, but rearranging these & remembering when I was a child & I decorated these same branches with these sacred ornaments, souvenirs from memory’s road / separating the ornaments & untangling the branches & the small threads tied to the tops of them / picking a random but intentionally beautiful spot for each one, seeing these brilliant branches covered with Easter eggs, baby rabbits of pink & green & blue & yellow, sparkling eggs, bird houses, fuzzy yellow chicks, carrots, baskets, joy / seeing them filled with joy lastly, removing the decorations given to me by my Grandmother & setting them upon the shelves / spreading the bright beauty of spring around on the walls, on the tables, on shelves, on the floor, anywhere there is room for them / planting seeds in terra cotta flower pots outside & placing the gently watered soil in the sunrays on my porch / spreading around the joy of this new beginning / spring is beginning once again / the sun shining once again
I read a poem from "A Ship Onto a Sea of Hope" in Episode 040, titled "THE CLEAR COOL STARS WERE RADIANT". A SHIP ONTO A SEA OF HOPE :: http://amzn.to/2tXvrTT A SHIP ONTO A SEA OF HOPE SAMPLE :: http://www.ashleecraft.com/books-2/ship-onto-sea-hope/ THE CLEAR COOL STARS WERE RADIANT I stepped off into the clear cool stars walking on them. They called out to me. They felt the same way it does stepping off barefoot into dewy grass at 1 AM. The decisions you make are the rope leading you either to the edge of the bridge or the safe green pastures. They are what compels you. She looked at me with sea-green eyes. I saw aqua & turquoise rain clouds flourishing in the distance. They whispered to me by the tide-pool room rock ledges & familiar evocative songs on the radio. “You are going to be okay.” Website: http://www.ashleecraft.com Shop: htpp://www.shop.ashleecraft.com PODCAST on iTunes: http://apple.co/2yXshjm Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/Ashlee_Craft Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Ashlee-Craft-1531736820466815 Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ashleecraft Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ashleecraft/ Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/ashleecraft/ Amazon: https://goo.gl/lcAO6V Freedom Meadow Media: http://www.freedommeadowmedia.com
I read a poem from my 2017 poetry book "The Walls Were Gray" in Episode 039 of The Ashlee Craft Show! THE WALLS WERE GRAY :: http://amzn.to/2FTjQH5 AT THE END OF THE DAY, THERE ARE MORE GOOD NIGHTS I took deep breaths & tried to calm the fluttering screaming inside / it was getting dark out / I opened the windows & bathed myself in fresh air turning the music up loud & listening to the wind / at the stoplight I watched the lights of cars on the evening road & felt the knowledge that I could do anything, any of it / that there would be more nights in this weather, driving, comforted by the fact that I was finding my way / I shamelessly danced even if people were looking / the music & gentle lights continued - glowing pathway spread before me yellowbrick road / it was deeply sad & darkly depressing but somehow deeply shining with hope & the golden warm light of PROGRESS / the first words of the new poem & the new beginning & new places & the unknown road & the unknown open road & the first words said by the person I was becoming & the soul of the person I was becoming & the overarching future & deep brilliant hope & a thousand things I had no names for / I saw a kid playing with a toy car on the sidewalk in the dark, & I breathed in deeply, & felt fresh air on my skin & the warm humidity of evening, & saw the road really illuminated by the street lamps like lighthouses / & it reminded me of something I used to know / I thought about how there would be so many more nights like this, how this wasn't really the ending / & I reminded myself that I would make it through this, & be better off for it / that is how I thrive
In Episode 038, I read a poem from my book "So Long, Lonesome Place" called "Prelude". Enjoy! SO LONG, LONESOME PLACE :: http://amzn.to/2HlCN5t
In Episode 037, I read a poem from one one of my most recent poetry books, "The Walls Were Gray", titled "SEE, NOT FEELING THAT GIVES ME FREEDOM." Hope you enjoy it! The Walls Were Gray :: http://amzn.to/2oI2oyx NEW! Adorable Farm Animals: A Coloring Book :: http://amzn.to/2I4VnQj NEW! Life is My Playground Website :: www.lifeismyplayground.com SEE, NOT FEELING THAT GIVES ME FREEDOM the sky was dark blue dark blue / evening light window looking out at the lake / the flashes of light upon the water I used to look out at them & the fresh alive air would flow in through the holes in the screen & I would feel like I wasn't sitting on the island all by myself / dark blue dark blue / I walked up the stairs to the room & the lighting was warm / Antioch, at night blue walls single lamp in the corner it was dim the closet was yellow / workshop, my dreams covered the walls when I was an endless creator / they were yelling downstairs now but I was rising slowly exhausted & ready to sleep / I found myself outside, finally stretching my legs & feeling the late afternoon sunshine warm & bright / they said it was going to rain today but they were wrong / the air was warm & crisp like the end of summer, like the end of summer that one year / fall autumn air queen suicide & rebirth in February into something greater / I was so happy suddenly back then that it scared me / the air had seemed so lonely / she asked me about it & I finally revealed an honest piece of myself more peace of mind / "it was never very interesting to me" I told her "my Work was always more interesting & still is" / I told her I couldn't wrap my head around the idea of constantly chasing them, hoping they would notice me / couldn't understand why anyone would want to do that be that way / technically it's more normal but it was never the drumbeat I danced to / this morning I was compelled towards the radio / "I will get by" was playing / note, a year ago said I listened to that & read TOUGH TIMES DON'T LAST & even though things were terrible for me, I felt a lot better / (why does it always seem like things are terrible? not true) / then some song about dancing to the beat of the music played & the morning looked less gray / I read their article & realized the problem / even in my otherness I was still being forced into feelings I didn't feel / the obligation was strong everywhere around me everyone was screaming out the words & every book proudly displayed it on its cover & the newspapers all wrote about it & every song found it sublime to ramble on ramble on / everyone I knew - it was their primary topic. what had happened. what they would do. how to find one. / I was being forced into feelings I didn't feel because I felt I wouldn't belong if I didn't feel them / but I don't feel them, not in that way / I can befriend all of them without ulterior motives - imagine what a difference that would be - everyone else was always a goal step to reach a particular means to an end / I felt more normal than her even though I felt dried up & frigid but that was the way the computer was wired & the tree roots were deeper still / I hugged her, "why is everyone so stressful?", flung my hands around, she comforted me, I hugged her again / I didn't have to follow them all down into the rabbit hole / "curiosity never killed the cat" she told me / trees sung quietly in triumph as I wrote a letter with the honest truth & let a pigeon carry it back to its nest / then I walked around the lake & went home, just as the jazz started playing, & I felt better about myself, not having to hide / learning to love the emotional mess
In Episode 036 of The Ashlee Craft Show, I talk about the things that, at surface level, aren't things I thought of when setting up my goals for the year. But they're things that actually matter more, because they're the core feelings behind the things you want. READ THE ARTICLE :: http://www.ashleecraft.com/personal-evolution/5-beautiful-rare-things-want-feel-2018/ Website: http://www.ashleecraft.com Shop: htpp://www.shop.ashleecraft.com PODCAST on iTunes: http://apple.co/2yXshjm Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/Ashlee_Craft Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Ashlee-Craft-1531736820466815 Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ashleecraft Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ashleecraft/ Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/ashleecraft/ Amazon: https://goo.gl/lcAO6V Freedom Meadow Media: http://www.freedommeadowmedia.com
In Episode 035, I read another poem from my poetry book "Reflections in the Green Triangle" titled "All My Friends". REFLECTIONS IN THE GREEN TRIANGLE BOOK: http://amzn.to/2BTbOzv ALL MY FRIENDS for such a long time I thought that I was alone / desperately seeking friendship & reaching out out out floating on desperate waves looking for someone / pleading in the night that I would find somebody to spend time with / searching & searching with the mistaken impression that I was alone / looking for someone I could enjoy being with & embrace & understand & be understood by / but with time I'd see the the whole time / I'd been surrounded by friends one day I opened my eyes & saw that I'd never been alone & I began to find friends everywhere I looked I was friends with the sun in the sky the rainbows up ahead the ideas & questions of if & why birds singing in the forest I passed thru each blade of grass covered with morning dew birds outside my window chirping in the morning in the lightening & thunder crashing out their warning the rain pouring onto the pavement peace, love, & independence the moon watching gently over the night the first brand new ray's of the sunrise's light & the twinkling stars I wish upon the joy contained in each beautiful song the hummingbirds sipping nectar from flowers in the fun & freedom filling my every hour I found friendship in leaves rustling & drifting down in the breezes music floating from open windows jazz musicians playing in cafes magical sounds of harmonies artwork & music & films & books & poems on the walls crashing waves upon the shore & the sun melting onto the water in the afternoon the smell of freshly mowed grass & the after-rain's fresh scent & the sunsets & the sunrises in the adventures I have everyday & in happiness I found a friend in life Website: http://www.ashleecraft.com Shop: htpp://www.shop.ashleecraft.com PODCAST on iTunes: http://apple.co/2yXshjm Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/Ashlee_Craft Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Ashlee-Craft... Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ashleecraft Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ashleecraft/ Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/ashleecraft/ Amazon: https://goo.gl/lcAO6V Freedom Meadow Media: http://www.freedommeadowmedia.com
Episode 034! I read a poem titled "Reflections" from my poetry book "Reflections in the Green Triangle". REFLECTIONS IN THE GREEN TRIANGLE BOOK: http://amzn.to/2BTbOzv Reflections reflecting upon the silver bar sidewalks & the misty moonlit jaunt thru the breeze double rainbow like a pot of gold in the sky / illuminations / reflecting on windows of trucks & on the sunglasses of passerby / on the Sunday / in the rain driving thru the puddles / rustling of tires against water sprinkling it upwards showing showering rainstorm reflections looking in the foggy mirror & at everything mistaken & distorted by the silver / like a whole other world hidden behind glass / distorted in the golden gaze rectified in my precision & by my passion / rejuvenated & suddenly understanding who I was the entire time down many mistaken roads I walked & many mistaken lies I spoke / many sights of sorrow & many things of beauty filled my vision / down many darkened alleyways filled with soot I trod & many days it just never dawned upon me that I what I'd yearned for & what I'd sought had been there all along / I just had never seen them I thought what I'd been looking for was something that could be bought / so I looked & looked in all the windows to every store but I kept finding myself wanting more & more / I thought what I'd searched for was far away from me & that by leaving this place, I could be free / so I ran away so I wouldn't be alone only to find that I'd always been home / I thought what I needed was the love in somebody's heart & that by finding that love, I'd make a start / so I searched for the one I was looking to find only to see I'd been there the whole time / all that time, I was only too blind to see as I looked & searched & cried & yearned only to find that all along, I'd been exactly where I needed to be it hadn't been money or distance or love that I'd needed / I didn't need to go anywhere or buy anything or find someone to love me / I just needed to see the beauty within me & all the loneliness turned to friendship, all the dark into light, & suddenly I began seeing the world with my own eyes / my own eyes looking at my own destiny / my own life / now I was free I had been deaf / to the reflections / of the music / rhythm beating beating beating beating onwards / onwards / into the next reflection Website: http://www.ashleecraft.com Shop: htpp://www.shop.ashleecraft.com PODCAST on iTunes: http://apple.co/2yXshjm Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/Ashlee_Craft Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Ashlee-Craft... Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ashleecraft Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ashleecraft/ Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/ashleecraft/ Amazon: https://goo.gl/lcAO6V Freedom Meadow Media: http://www.freedommeadowmedia.com
In Episode 033, I read the fourth & final poem from my book FOG: A ZINE. POEM 1: https://youtu.be/n_ccVs8QAwU POEM 2: https://youtu.be/owNvh9CecxY POEM 3: https://youtu.be/4mNDij1hU_E FOG: A ZINE: http://amzn.to/2zzz30b Website: http://www.ashleecraft.com Shop: htpp://www.shop.ashleecraft.com PODCAST on iTunes: http://apple.co/2yXshjm Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/Ashlee_Craft Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ashlee-... Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ashleecraft Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ashleecraft/ Pinterest: http://pinterest.com/ashleecraft/ Amazon: https://goo.gl/lcAO6V Freedom Meadow Media: http://www.freedommeadowmedia.com
I read the third poem from my photography zine FOG in Episode 032 of The Ashlee Craft Show! One more poem left to make an episode about, & all the poems from the zine will be on YouTube. Here are the previous poems: POEM 1: https://youtu.be/n_ccVs8QAwU POEM 2: https://youtu.be/owNvh9CecxY FOG: A ZINE: http://amzn.to/2zzz30b
2017 was the most outstanding year of my life so far! I read the essay I wrote about it, titled "2017 In Review: I'm On My Way" where I talk about what 2017 felt like. Here's where you can read the original article: http://www.ashleecraft.com/articles/2017-in-review-im-on-my-way/
In Episode 030, I read one of the poems from my newest poetry book, "The Walls Were Gray" titled "FOG - THE WALLS ARE NOT GRAY ANYMORE". FOG – THE WALLS ARE NOT GRAY ANYMORE I floored it - out onto the empty road - gray mist rose up around me - floored it - ahead the fog cleared - I saw the vibrant nurturing rainbow - & the meadow where I will thrive - non-linear joyful skip dance drive towards it - suddenly finding myself closer to arriving - the fog clears - gray walls around me melt away revealing rainbows - I am no longer confined by my own false belief that I did not deserve to be free - floored it & didn't need to look back into the fog - floored it - away vroom vroom - freedom, I am free finally finding it - I KNOW WHO I NEED TO BECOME NOW THE WALLS WERE GRAY :: http://amzn.to/2D2xnuy
In Episode 029, I play the 6th track from my 2nd album - an instrumental song called "getting back up again", which is a reworking of "The Strength of Hope". LISTEN TO THE ALBUM VERSION HERE :: http://www.ashleecraft.com/music/confusion-is-over-2/getting-back-up-again-confusion-is-over/
In Episode 028, I share three things you can do in 2018 to make the upcoming year YOUR YEAR, where you achieve all the things you've wanted to do.
It's Episode 027! I update you on some cool news - two new poetry books have been released in the past two weeks! One is called "A Ship Onto a Sea of Hope" & the other is called "The Walls Were Gray". Links to both can be found below. On December 31, the next book in the Wonderful Wildlife series is coming out - it's about Blobfish! Also, I'm launching three new shows in the next two weeks - "Animals with Ashlee" (a pet vlog series), "Explorations" (videos of cool travel & other experiences I have & places I go), & "The Feel-Good Life with Ashlee Craft" (videos about minimalism, health, happiness, self-sufficiency, etc). Then, I read a poem titled "Christmas Day" from my Christmas poetry book! CHRISTMAS POEMS - http://amzn.to/2pu0apA THE WALLS WERE GRAY - http://amzn.to/2BupGML A SHIP ONTO A SEA OF HOPE - http://amzn.to/2kQurdn
Episode 026 is THE SIX MONTH ANNIVERSARY EPISODE of The Ashlee Craft Show, so thank you SO MUCH for all your support for it! It's been so much fun making it & will be even more fun as it continues. For this episode, I read a poem from my Winter poetry book titled "Silent Night". WINTER (FOUR SEASONS #2) http://amzn.to/2AL3fm5 Silent Night silent night / holy night you sit there looking into the down-turned eyes of lonely strangers / lost on a cold, unforgiving ocean to which there seems no chance of rescue & the boat seems on its last leg / it’s Christmas eve & you huddle in the canvas tents while the boom boom boom explosions nearby shake the ground / fear flows as fresh as the blood in their veins as the cramped isolation begins to take its toll & you suddenly feel as though you’re falling thru an empty world yet the overcrowded illusion & warmth stifles you / the cool night air outside seems as cold as the desperation – frantic grasping rapid fire falling falling falling into an abyss to which there is no return hope is gone from your soul & all you want to do is go home / the isolated desolation & illusion of paper-thin canvas walled tent huddled, silent, seems as fragile as the beating of your heart which could stop any moment & you feel the liquid cool of night air sifting thru your palms / mind goes back to ten years ago when you were a kid you feel cold despite the heat in the tent & the putrid smell of sweat fills your nostrils & you feel empty – cold – alone – your heart beats madly against the wall of your ribcage, beating so strongly yet seeming so weak like a baby bird just hatched attempting to flap it’s wings & fly / you see the fear felt in your heart mirrored twenty times in the faces around you / what do they think of, what do they feel / the same as you, each in their own way / you avert your eyes to the dirt floor & suppress the urge to tear the nightmare illusions around you down, tear down the canvas backdrop & the projections of people & the illusions of fear / but you can’t / it’s not an illusion & it’s the only reality that there is your heart aches for your family & friends & the thought crosses your mind constantly that you may never return to them / you wonder why you signed up for this but there’s no turning back & you feel alone in the world first Christmas away from home / your heart reaches the most desperate lonely despondency distraught with fear & misery silence is broken / a voice so warm & kind, trembling slightly beneath the weight of the war & world & fear, overcomes the situation & rises to do what they know they must do / they feel the same fear as you & their young face gleams in the pale lighting, a reflection of your own the song raises thru the air & wafts onto the roof of the tent & it remains there / as more of the song is revealed, the air becomes heavy with the hope & fills the whole tent / other voices join in & you suddenly find yourself singing / your spirit soars & suddenly somehow you know you’re gonna be okay you’re gonna be okay the Christmas voices & spirits soaring flying alive for this one moment enter into each heart & hope is restored in the midst of loneliness & pain came the soft words bringing hope / the midst of war & hate, for just a moment, there was love & peace silent night / holy night / all is calm / all is bright / round young virgin mother & child / holy infant so tender & mild / sleep in heavenly peace / sleep in heavenly peace