The Collings and Herrin Podcasts

Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre Podcast 140. It's the first time Andrew Collins and Richard Herring have spoken in over 60 months and it would be foolish to deny that there might be come tensions bubbling beneath (and all over) the surface, but there's still time for some banter that will take you back to the glory days of 2008-2011. Armed with emergency questions and an emergency folder of cherished tabloid memories the pair attempt to discuss the country's worst serial killers, the Mitfords, the evil of Cecil Parkinson, the debt they owe each other, the unresolved sexual tension (at least at the start of the evening), the disappointment of Northampton, decent and indecent proposals, whether it's OK to add cartoons to The Human Centipede and what the best kind of tape is. You will laugh, you will wince, you will remember the 1980s, but not possibly as fondly as Collings does.

No preamble. Podcast 167 comes exactly 21 weeks after Podcast 166, due to philosophical differences. Here we are again. Same attic, same settee, same hardware, same mugs, same lighting, less clutter, slightly different feng shui, nothing to prove, and arguably too much to talk about, and argue about. Does it work? Only you can decide.

BONUS! PRETEND PODCASTS! The Tugwell Tape Pt 6: The End Of History. Yes, having regaled you electronically with the entire 6 Music archive with the music taken out, from the end of 2006, through to the end of 2009, this is the final Collins and Herring 6 Music appearance of that period, and also historic in its own way: our first dep for Adam and Joe on Saturday morning, at which point we had no idea we'd ever be asked to do it again. So, on 8 November, 2009, we attack this hallowed slot with gusto, as it were. Audibly nervous, we. In the pic, you can probably sense those nerves. Having decided who's Adam and who's Joe, we discuss 'invasive' headphones, invent Diary Wars, the forthcoming ITV drama series Collision, ballet, Flight of the Conchords, and whether or not Andrew is using his 'audiobook voice' on the radio. What fun we all had. Another big thanks to archivist Graham Tugwell. Without him, the past couple of months would have been a wilderness with wind whistling spookily through it.

BONUS! PRETEND PODCASTS! The Tugwell Tape Pt 5: In this penultimate offering from the celestial Graham Tugwell Collins and Herring 6 Music archives, we find Andrew and Richard being invited for the first time ever to co-host someone else's show, in this case Jon Richardson's popular Sunday morning show. Their excitement is palpable. The talk moves from euphemisms to shortened names via Jon's Good Deeds feature, our version of it, cleverly called Bad Deeds, and the first ever accusation that Richard just plays with his phone when he should be working. The picture accompanying the podcast is actually accurate; it was taken via the studio webcam on the exact date of this historic recording, May 31, 2009. Apologies for the occasional technical blip. This is us, not you.

BONUS! PRETEND PODCASTS! The Tugwell Tape Pt 4: The next four vintage 'pretend podcasts' (they weren't podcasts) from Andrew Collins and Richard Herring, coincide with the filming of the latter's ITV1 comedy-drama You Can Choose Your Friends. Among those topical things discussed on consecutive Saturdays 24 Feb, 3 March, 10 March, 17 March 2007, are: the tumescent lump in David Beckham's shorts; a gigantic, 35-ft squid; a little girl making a stupid face behind Leader of the Opposition David Cameron in Israel; Beth Ditto's squirrel diet; Tony Blair on Comic Relief; Louis Walsh being kicked off The X-Factor (that dates it, right?); and Richard's nude scene in the aforementioned comedy-drama. Don't we sound young?

BONUS! PRETEND PODCASTS! The Tugwell Tape Pt 3: Bone-us! As if there aren't *enough* podcasts with Richard Herring on, here are the latest Tugwell Tapes, Pt3, ie. music-free recordings of the half-hour topical review that Richard used to do on Andrew's Saturday afternoon 6 Music show in the Olden Days of 2006-07 (and turned out to be a prototype for what became the Collings and Herrin podcast a year later). There are four here: 20 January, 27 Jan, 3 Feb, 17 Feb 2007, and what a wonderful, prelapsarian world it was, with pre-watershed chit-chat about spliff-denying Leader of the Opposition David Cameron, still-alive Jade Goody, still-insurging Iraqis, and the tantalising possibility of a Someone Likes Yogurt DVD (now *that* dates it).

BONUS! PRETEND PODCASTS! The Tugwell Tape Pt 2: three more 'pretend podcasts' from that weird yesteryear-style parallel universe when Andrew had a regular weekend radio show on 6 Music and Richard was his jolly guest, and these music-free newspaper reviews were a brief initiative. We reach the end of 2006, including a solo show by Richard on Christmas Eve, and two shows from the beginning of 2007, a brave new year - and just three months away from it all being taken away from us - 7 January and 13 January. The tone continues to be silly and cheeky and mischievous and topical and giggly; David Cameron is leader of the Opposition, Tony Blair the Prime Minister, Ruth Kelly something to do with education, a man from the band Towers Of London seems to matter, David Beckham is moving from Real Madrid to LA Galaxy, and in Andrew's shameful and self-indulgent absence on December 24, the lovely Lucy Porter plays the Richard role to Richard's Andrew. And yes, Richard does manage to get the phrase 'brackish' onto national radio during the day. (Thanks to archeologist Graham Tugwell for these finds. Incidentally, the webcam pics that accompany these bonus podcasts are not specific to the recordings, but are roughly correct in terms of era, and specific to the studio.)

BONUS PRETEND PODCASTS: THE TUGWELL TAPES Pt 1. Thanks to podcast-counting buccaneer archivist Graham Tugwell, we have unearthed the whole of the Collins and Herring Pretend Podcasts, which weren't podcasts. It's the weekly newspaper review Andrew and Richard used to do at weekends on 6 Music nearly five years ago, but with the indie music filleted out. They began in November 2006, when we were all young and excitable and suitable for family listening, and were made available to listen to for a week each. What you're hearing is the water-birth of the Collings and Herrin Podcasts (it was this item that we were attempting to reproduce when we began podcasting in March 2008). There are three here, from November 26, December 10 and December 17, 2006, and among those things discussed in a genial and silly manner are: Peter Hitchens, leader of the opposition David Cameron, the concert for Princess Diana, Guardian wallcharts, the news that Lembit Opik had started going out with a Cheeky Girl, Britney's pants and Russell Howard seeing Big Ben for the first time. Innocent times.

In Podcast 166, Richard takes sluggish to new levels and Andrew singularly fails to awaken the Kracken of his usually ebullient personality, even when he reveals that Malcolm X wrote a prototype of the famous joke, 'I'm not saying I'm Jesus, that is for other people to say,' and tries to recruit him for further singalongs, including The Dambusters Theme. Further attempts are made to enliven Richard for what must surely be our last podcast if he keeps this up, including a potentially lively discussion about politically correct censorship of dogs and centipedes, during which Richard inadvertently conceives his next two BBC pitches. (You'll have to listen to find out what they are.) Meanwhile, his actual BBC comedy drama script languishes unwritten for over an hour, with the last word written - 'help' - taking on a whole new profound significance. We can only apologise. Blame Ricky Gervais at the Seinfeld aftershow.

At last! The Podcast 165 Show! Although we threatened the end the podcast last week, we decided to keep it going for one more week, as Andrew was coming round to Richard's anyway before they went off to see Jerry Seinfeld at the O2 Arena in London and they had some time to kill. On a swelteringly hot day, in order to get through one more podcast, Andrew was forced to drink some pinot grigio blush beforehand, and a single 4% proof American beer during, while Richard didn't. The highlights are forensically well-remembered Monty Python sketches and songs, which may baffle our younger listeners, but which will transport people in their forties and fifties to a happier time for British comedy, when stand-ups didn't make 4 million a year. This podcast also stands as a tribute-cum-warning to national treasure Stewart 'Wart' Lee. If you were in Mrs Markilee's class at Cobden Junior School in Loughborough circa 1975 and recognise yourself in the photograph accompanying this podcast, do get in touch! Let's hope Seinfeld is on more disciplined comedic form. Altogether now: Immanuel Kant was a real pissant, he was very rarely etc. etc.

It's Podcast 164, which shall be called Podcast 165, because we can't count. No, it is 164. It is. Because the last one was 163, which is the number that comes before it. The question is: will it be the LAST EVER Collings and Herrin Podcast? The two double espressos inside Richard's system certainly did their best to make it so, as did the combined force of three machines of loving grace: the Tascam DR-100 which refused to reformat itself in time for us to use it, and was still reformatting when we'd finished, and our two Macs (Richard's GarageBand broke down, and so did Andrew's, at different points, and for different reasons, except it was the same reason, which is: The Terminator is coming true). Anyway, Ryan Giggs, Imogen Thomas, Art Blakey, Barack Obama, Benedict Cumberbatch, Rufus Hound ... these are some of the people we talk about. But only one of them is a magic pixie. Find out who by listening to what may be the longest podcast we've ever done. But it may be our last. So. This podcast was not sponsored by Paddy Power.

In podcast 163, we start free-forming and spitballing Richard's next Edinburgh show, What Is Love Anyway?, by having a shouting match about whether Prince Charles fancies Camilla Parker-Bowles, his wife, more than he fancies Pippa Middleton, the sister of his daughter-in-law, and if, when asked, he says he does fancy Camilla more than Pippa, he's lying or simply making a compromise based on the sum of her parts. It's going to be a hell of a show. Despite being a little frazzled between a 60-mile train journey from Northampton and a whole day's worth of DVD extras to film for Chris Evans Not That One, and a double-gig to perform at London's Leicester Square Theatre, we still manage to squeeze some slightly grumpy and prudish gold out of Russell Brand's trousers, the objective/subjective quality of Richard's 43-year-old rump and whether or not Andrew has reviewed Attack The Block. He has reviewed Attack The Block.

Due to a superinjunction, Podcast 162 contains nothing. Except a bit about Pippa Middleton's bum. And Stewart Lee's Teflon coating. And the superinjunctions. And Bin Laden's pants. And that's it. What can we do? The law is the law.

Yes! (That's: YES!) First with all the big news stories, we devote the whole of Podcast 161 to - SPOILER ALERT! - the news that a man has been killed in another country who may or may not have been armed and may or may not have used a woman as a shield. We don't actually, but because Richard has - YES! - been booked at the very last minute to do Radio 4's The News Quiz, he is suddenly all keen to do topical material and work up some of the most obvious gags he can think of. We also cover the - YES! - continuing christian jihad against his show Christ On A Bike as it rolls, relatively unharmed, out of the pagan badlands of East Anglia and into the underpopulated wilds of Presbytarian Scotland. And by the way, they do collect the bins on a Bank Holiday. YES, they do.

Another one from the tank! In our tireless quest to keep you all topped up at all times until we are all dead, we present another pre-record, Podcast 160 - a very unhelpful score in darts - in which we answer questions posed via Twitter two weeks ago. Because we had threatened to record this one while assembling Richard's new snooker table, many of the questions were snooker related (and not all of them as hilarious as 'Pink or brown?'), but some weren't, which means we cover areas as diverse and rich as the cruelty or otherwise of zoos, the death of the printed page in our lifetimes and which is better, Big Break or Pot Black?

Another from the tank again this week, Podcast 159 was recorded two weeks ago, and is, as is now traditional, based upon your questions posed via the miracle of Twitter. Such as: what object would you rescue in a fire, what do you think of AV (yes, some of the questions were that interesting), could you beat Adam and Joe in a fight, have you broken a bone, which three comedy sketches would you take to a desert island and what would we do if we passed Steve Coogan in the corridor: nod, or stop and chat? I bet you're dying to find out what our answers were!

Be gentle with us: this is only the second time we have recorded a podcast - Podcast 158 - using the new Toscom DR-10000000 digital recorder, whose HD sound quality was so good last time that audiophiles threw their hats in the air and jumped for joy ... before catching their hats and starting to complain and moan about the large file size. Give us a break. It was the first time we'd used the thing! And Richard is on tour! And we're both very busy! And we're recording two at a time! For you! You ungrateful bastards! Anyway, let's hope this file size is more agreeable to you, and that you don't fall asleep at the end like Richard did. We dedicated this podcast to James Bull and Jonathan Williams and we hope their second date goes well.

A new dawn for the Collings and Herrin podcast: 157 has been recorded on a Tascam DR-100 portable digital recorder, which Richard bought online in the middle of the night while on tour and which came with a free 6'x3' snooker table. Whether we should have had the new machine switched to UNI or OMNI is still a moot point, but hopefully not a mute point, eh, audiophiles? Let us know what you think of our new direction, which, this week, is mainly about catching up on the last three weeks - which is the longest we've ever been apart since March 2008, before which, of course, we were nearly always apart. So, it's Richard's conditioner nightmare, the Zion Baptist protests and Andrew's Andrew Collins Twitter name tropical storm story, perhaps his finest since Lion Man.

From the tank where we put all our spare podcasts (it is not really a tank of any kind), we present Podcast 156, which we recorded two weeks ago and is thus built around questions posed on March 15 by people on Twitter, some of whom were so greedy and megalomaniacal they posted a number of questions. You'll have to listen to it to find out which ones inspired us, and which ones didn't, and whether being a retired headmaster is harder than being a nationally known stand-up comedian.

Bonus! In the latest of our free, Richard-is-on-tour, back-up, pre-recorded podcasts from the past for the future, we reach 155, a non-topical game of two halves. In the first half, we have a chin-stroking, Newsnight Review-style discussion of American comedy, from Larry Sander and Zack Garofolo (as we call him, for convenience) to Fat Bastard and Kenny Powers. Then, in the second half, we take subjects from Twitter suggestions, and end up talking about cleaning anuses and watching slow motion footage of birds having practical, procreative sex. And for lovers of pens, here is a picture of all of the pens (and one IKEA pencil) from the small pocket in Andrew's man bag.