The Fifth Column

Analysis, Commentary, Sedition. @wethefifth

#443 - Good Wars, Bad Candidates, and the Department of Straws and Napkins

* This tattoo definitely wasn’t a horrible mistake * Matt has dementia* Pim Tool: tool of the FSB?* The $400,000 plagiarist* Brain “interference” vs. election “interference”* Did Trump acknowledge that he lost in 2020?* The childcare word salad* Plastic straw journalistic DISGRACE* Having principals versus having “a position”* Dumb neo-Nazi realizes he’s been cheated* More on the rise of junk history * An overlooked bit of Tucker’s controversial interview* Hitler was very, very, very evil. And the migration crisis came with many negative consequences for Europe. Both of the things can be true, you dopes! This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe

09-07
01:36:11

Members Only #223 - Making Martyrs of Revisionist Rubes

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.com* Illness fakers* Medium fakers* Ok, so let’s warm up with some music stuff * Does any band have a perfect four-album run?* “I’ve read a lot of books on WWII!!”* On the Martyr Made controversy* Baby Irvings* The bad guys are the good guys, and they have no agency* “The Holocaust was basically a housing issue…”* The Theresienstadt “documentary”* The “terror” bombings* Incidenta…

09-06
29:45

#442 - Kamala Speaks! Tim's Grammar! Bash Backlash!

* Kamala finally submits to an interview* A Cascade of Disappointment)* A softball interview* Flip, flop, flibbedy flop* Wasted questions * Just a question of grammar* Code switch that racist wall * Trump in the cemetery * Trump in the bible * Trump impressions * Noel, Liam, Kmele * Matt and Moynihan reveal a secret, racially segregated text thread This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe

08-30
01:19:05

#441 - And now...the Coronation (w/ Alex Thompson)

It’s the final night of the convention and in the hours before everything kicks off, the lads convened at the Substack loft to chat with Axios’s Alex Thompson, our old pal and arguably the most plugged in political reporter in America. We could offer some conversation bullet points but…just trust us. This is a really good one. Alex dishes on his reporting about the campaign to dislodge Biden’s from ticket, the enormous and quiet political power of the Obamas, and the behind-the-scenes war between Michelle Obama and the Biden family. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe

08-22
55:31

#440 - Fear & Loathing in Chi-town (w/ Mike Pesca)

Moynihan, Welch, and Kmele’s Chicago misadventures continue in this dispatch, recorded just before night three of the 2024 Democratic National Convention. Joined by the incomparable Mike Pesca (host of The Gist), your favorite podcast triumvirate dissects the week’s events so far, their implications for the 2024 presidential race, and the future of the Democratic Party. Plus, a brief meditation on proper etiquette when dining at celebrity steakhouses—with a pair of reformed gangsters.Recorded: August 21st, 2024 (at the bustling Substack Loft)Published: August 22nd, 2024 This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe

08-22
01:16:30

#439 - The Return of the Sexiest Guest Alive (w/ Steve Kornacki)

Why waste time with discursive show notes when you can just say two very simple words? Steve Kornacki. One of People’s “Sexiest Men Alive” returns to the Fifth (for his fourth appearance??) to breakdown the latest polls, prognosticate on what happens to the Republican Party if Trump loses, and subtly reveal that he might be a degenerate blackjack player. Just listen. It’s a good one. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe

08-09
01:38:12

Members Only #220 - The Hottest Country Ever Invaded

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.com* An ethereum veep bet (Note: U.S. customers are banned, so no $1,000 on Shapiro bet was made) * Watching the Olympics* Supporting Ukrainian athletes for non-political reasons* Lil’ Moyn is still in it to win it* An old, prescient email…* “What did I do?” - Gerald Ford* The drug excuse is not that convincing, TBH * Dave, Buster, and Trump* Yeah, no, it’s not going to be…

08-05
22:28

#438 - The Tsarina Has Abdicated. The Audie Murphys of Journalism. The Veep Will Make Toasters

* Anything happen since we left?* La Bubblewrap * The media will do it for you* Everyone will forget about that NABJ appearance* Every journalist in that room is Audie Murphy* Who’s black?* Not in defense of Thomas Eagleton (soz) * The polls changed so let’s attack Nate Silver for noticing * Every one in politics is “weird”* The child will never fly coach again * The honorable resistors * JD Vance’s amazingly stupid economic ideas, which he cannot actually believe* The end of the Venezuelan dictatorship* Killing bad guys in Tehran and Beirut* Resistance vs. escalation This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe

08-02
01:48:23

Steve Albini on Music, Meaning, and the Cosmos (Special Dispatch)

In April 2023, while producing a documentary series for The John Templeton Foundation (JTF), I had the distinct pleasure of interviewing legendary punk/rock musician and producer audio engineer Steve Albini. Portions of that interview appear in the sixth installment of the doc series (which is phenomenal, and you should watch every episode immediately), but most of our conversation has remained unreleased—until now.On May 7th, 2024, Steve passed away at 61 after an illustrious and influential life and career. With special thanks to JTF (and in honor of Steve Albini Day), we’re pleased to publish the full audio of that interview here.Steve engineered audio for artists like Nirvana, Bush, and the Pixies, helping each bring some of their most authentic and celebrated works to grateful fans the world over. Steve’s dedication to capturing the natural essence of a band's performance without excessive studio manipulation has left a lasting legacy in the music industry.In this wide-ranging exchange, Albini shared insights into his philosophy on music production and anecdotes from his time working with some of the biggest names in rock. And given the uniquely ontological focus of our documentary, Steve also served up some fascinating meditations on:* communicating with aliens* being a ‘vector of history’* the modern music scene* and the mathematics of musicAlbini's approach to his work wasn’t just technical but deeply philosophical. He believed that the role of a producer was to serve the artist's vision rather than impose their own. That ethos resonated throughout our discussion, a testament to his principled commitment to artistic integrity. His passing is a significant loss, but his legacy will undoubtedly continue to inspire future musicians and producers.- KmeleNOTE: This release includes a brief cameo from my friend and sometimes collaborator Jason Mojica — the indispensable producer/director of Dispatches from The Well.Interview Recorded: April 28th, 2023Published: July 27th, 2024 This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe

07-27
01:45:39

Members Only #219 - Pronunciation Racism and the Triumph of Mentally Ill

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.com* HOF weekend * The Talented Ms. Jewhater* Notes from the RNC* The black Republicans who don’t care about ideology * The 33 person BBQ in North Milwaukee * Losing their religion * The Great Resignation * “She’s not Joe Biden on foreign policy, buy who is…”* Why they hate us * There’s no Kamala bump * More Project 2025 nonsense * The rise of the mentally ill pundit * To win, Dems…

07-22
21:18

#437 - Alive from the RNC!

Moynihan calls in from GOP Ground Zero in Milwaukee. Kmele threatens to dish about Silicon Valley support for Donald Trump. Welch only slurs as much as Reince Preibus. Topics include J.D. Vance’s political philosophy, Joe Biden’s deteriorating public appearances, and—as ever—Kmele’s mangled naughty bits. Who the hell knows when the Adderall shortage will kick in, but we’re squeezing the last drops out of Moynihan’s productivity before the vape-seizures finally do him in. Let’s gooooo!!!! This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe

07-17
01:04:03

Members Only #218 - Second Sunday Rebroadcast (Assassination Edition)

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.comA rebroadcast of our increasingly popular Second Sunday edition, during which you, the listener, get to interact with the Fifth, berate them, flatter them, hit on them, and endlessly praise their wisdom and prescience. And thanks to all of you who showed up this week…so many, in fact, that we were forced to pay Zoom to increase the number of attendees. …

07-16
21:35

#436 - Forget It. Joe Biden Has Been Cured Of Being Super Old

The lads make it through Biden’s presser, watch a bit of state television after, listen to the Mike Tyson’s Punch Out soundtrack, and limbo below the lowest bar in the history of low bars. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe

07-12
01:16:16

Members Only #217 - ☑ The Flag of the Fifth ☑

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.com* Wizards of Transnistria * Checking the box* A festival of freedom?* More old stuff* France and the media * Brain dead v. Hitler * It didn’t end in 2008, but it proved a lot * What a dictator is… and isn’t* An accent free pass * The best video ever: Fuck you bloody

07-10
18:51

#462 - SCOTUS Interruptus (w/ Damon Root)

It’s an Independence Day Miracle (if a few days delinquent). As another US Supreme Court term draws to a close, we tap in with our favorite SCOTUS obsessive, Damon Root (currently Freethink/Big Think, previous Reason, and author of books you really should buy).We discuss Presidential absolute immunity, Chevron deference, the pitiful state of SCOTUS journalism, and the obviously-super-serious effort in the US Congress to impeach/pack/scorn the highest court in the land on account of its *various crimes against democracy* (or something like that).ALSO: Frederick Douglass's on Independence Day… and Juneteenth?!“With flowing ROBES, grace, bald, striking.”- (Caddyshack - 1980)* Supreme Court and Presidential Powers* Chevron Deference, Executive Authority, and Legislative Inaction* Checks. Balances.* Judicial Perspectives on Recent Cases* Social Media and the First Amendment* Supreme Court's Conservative Majority* Frederick Douglass and American Ideals* Channeling Frederick Douglass (for Juneteenth)Recorded: June 3rd 2024Published: June 7th 2024 This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe

07-08
59:28

Members Only #216 - Unbearable and Untenable

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.com* Miracles of indigenous science* Why is Matt talking about Kevin Costner so much?* Aaron Sorkin solves January 6th * Norm on Bob Uecker* Matt revisits his…bad night* The Biden sitch * James Carville on masculinity and “communities of color”* How do you guys manage to watch this crap?* QAnon all the time* Sam and Diane, but not funny * The block of humans called voters* “Total…

07-02
20:11

Members Only 🔓 UNLOCKED 🔓 #215 - The Hindenburg Debate, The Hindenburg Fifth Recording, and The View From Atlanta (w/ Alex Thompson)

Oh dear. Yeah, that debate. Obviously. One would have to be a very successful, very delusional Substacker to think otherwise. But the night was about to get much, much worse. Moynihan, Welch, and Friend of the Fifth (former Rep.) Peter Meijer decided to record a quick reaction pod at 1am, after a collective 542 drinks. That…didn’t work. And that’s not what you are about to hear, although some devious editor appears to have dropped random clips of one particular Fifth host (Matt) into this episode, purely to bully him and amuse our bullying listeners. So as Welch recovered today, Kmele and Moynihan (a champion drinker, at this point immune to hangovers) grabbed star Axios reporter Alex Thompson, just back from the spin room in Atlanta, to try to make sense of it all. Note: This was supposed to be a subscriber-only episode, but between the clips of Matt doing his Foster Brooks impression and Alex being insightful and entertaining, we opened it up to all. You’re welcome. Now go subscribe so we can get Welch into a fancy Malibu rehab. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe

06-28
43:12

#461 - Trump/Biden II, Electric Boogaloo

So our podcasting platform just launched an AI feature that scans your recording and automatically generates “show notes.” We gave it it try. These are the results, with a few important corrections.“The conversation begins with some light banter and discussion about rap music. [Human ed note: This was before we started, so it isn’t included in the episode, but it did feature Kmele speculating about John Lennon shooting Bob Dylan]. They then transition to talking about the upcoming presidential debate between Donald Trump and Joe Biden. They discuss the format of the debate and their expectations for how each candidate will perform. They also touch on the COVID-19 pandemic and the conflicting information about masks and vaccines. The conversation ends with a humorous discussion about Matt Welch being a 'MAGA' supporter. [Human ed note: Humorous??] The conversation then shifts to the recent primary race between Jamaal Bowman and Eliot Engel, [sic] with a focus on the role of AIPAC and the effectiveness of negative ads. The hosts also criticize the performance and tactics of certain politicians in the 'squad'. Finally, they mention the fire alarm incident and the overall lack of support for Bowman in his district. [Human ed note: Here, the AI produced 800 words about our Julian Assange conversation]. The hosts end the conversation with some lighthearted banter about upcoming episodes. [Human ed note: Incorrect. We talked about Crocodile Dundee being a cokehead who created the crack epidemic] This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit www.wethefifth.com/subscribe

06-27
01:18:42

Members Only #214 - Sunday *Bloody* Sunday

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.comEvery second Sunday of the month, the lads fire up Zoom and do a (mostly) Q&A show for subscribers only. It’s very fun, often a bit messy and chaotic, and full of listeners expressing love, disbelief, dismay, and often delivering Strom Thurmond- like filibusters. So for you subscribers who couldn’t make it on June 9, we revive the Zoom recording just to…

06-26
23:41

Members Only #213 - I Don't Know About Y'all...

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit www.wethefifth.com* Imagine if Bill Cosby was an Islamophobic dog* Cringefest in the Bronx* Jamal and AOC * Sleeve rolled up, stool in hand, unemployment on the horizon* AIPAC is everywhere!* Violent psycho extremists for peace* The war won’t end until Jake Tapper’s kids are properly harassed* Shift back to the center, Dems* Laying hands on homeless people* Homeopathy is fake, btw * Geniuses …

06-24
19:50

Frank Mills

sullivan shows what a ___ he truly is. There are more intelligent and worthy people to talk to, simply walk outside and choose anyone. The reprobate compares Oct 7th to a "1-2 day raid"....

04-05 Reply

Jack Of All Creative Trades

vivek seem fake to me. like he was made in a lab.

06-17 Reply

Jack Of All Creative Trades

this one of the best episodes so far. good crictism of trump

06-13 Reply

red snflr

moynihan is the epitome of Beltway Libertarian

06-11 Reply

Robert James Somerville

Russia has a more legitimate argument for invading Ukraine than the US had in invading Vietnam, Iraq and a host of other countries.

01-15 Reply

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