The Freak'd Show

A scarecrow f*cks a man to death. No blurb, just shame. Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return your free admission ticket to the box office where you will receive a pinch of the cheek, a ruffle of the hair and a warm bottle for your travels home. I mean lets be honest, you would have to be a Daily Mail reader to think the s**t we say is actually our opinions. Just jokes, folks!

I’m not even gonna bother introducing this week. Bunch of dirty b*stards round here! You can deal with the smell. Join Mike for a spin for 20/20 vision, martian robot wars, The Pope Crusader and a scandalous case of Murder She Barked. Plus air biscuits at 60,000 feet, a VIP pass to Gurning Man, Breaking Bad deleted scenes and grounds for divorce in a marital bed. Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return your free admission ticket to the box office where you will receive a pinch of the cheek, a ruffle of the hair and a warm bottle for your travels home. I mean lets be honest, you would have to be a Daily Mail reader to think the s**t we say is actually our opinions. Just jokes, folks!

Sven, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I love thee to the depth and the breadth and height my soul can reach, when feeling out of sight for the ends of Being and ideal Grace. I love thee to the level of everyday’s most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. I love thee freely, as men strive for right; I love thee purely, as they turn from praise. I love thee with the passion put to use in my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith. I love thee with love I seemed to lose with my lost saints - I love thee with the breath, smiles, tears of all my life! - and, if God (or you) choose, I shall but love thee better after death. This week we have unimportant nonsense like the definition of dolphin friendly tuna, Ann Summers for fish, Bill Cosby’s onesie and big booty whales. We also have some really horrible sh*t involving Fifty Shades Of Grey and something about Charles Manson aaaaaand the car has been started. We definately don’t have stories abo [...]

Due to technical issues, there will be no introduction blurb this week. You probably skip this part anyway. I could say anything. BambiBollocksTurdLickerOperationYewTreeMichaelWinnerNandosTheOnlyWayIsEssexPineappleJumper.   This week Mike can’t get past Gone Girl, the tale of female Batman, Val Kilmer’s steam vent nipples, the Ultimate Warrior’s Citizen Kane and Sam the Slam’s gyno adventures. Plus stay with us for a biology lesson to make your eyes swim, a literal houe of leather and a fool proof plan for male domination. Bring a snorkel.    Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return your free admission ticket to the box office where you will receive a pinch of the cheek, a ruffle of the hair and a warm bottle for your travels home. I mean lets be honest, you would have to be a Daily Mail reader to think the s**t we say is actually our opinions. Just j [...]

Another year, another marriage down the drain. Third wife meets a gentle circus Ring Master and all is well for weeks. Then a colleague takes a shine to her and screws the woman I was really coming round to liking. On that note ladys and gents, there will be no elephant in tonight’s performance. That son of a bitch is hitting the Job Center in the morning. I can’t be alone at Christmas. I will take anything and I MEAN anything. You. Madam. Fancy a night with a man who smells like pistachio nuts and has a birth mark the shape of Saddam Hussein on his genitals? Of course you can bring the car batteries.  Join us for tales of Mike’s immortality plan, a working class Christmas massacre, Keenan & Kel’s Buffalo Bill and a festive opening to a Columbo episode. Plus we have telepathic chimney destruction, David Cronenberg’s Santa Clause, the winner of the Turder Prize (f**k you, Chris), redneck mistletoe and Joseph Kony’s helper elves. Merry [...]

Day 34 of kicking my cheating wife to the metaphorical curb. No cuddly intro this week. It’s just me and my good friend Jack Daniels to keep me company. I can’t get the bottle open but at least it reminds me of being pegged. Roll the preview!  Tonight we have for you teaching a toddler to become a man of steel, the mutations of Megan Fox, Saville Moses parting the red tape and a threat much greater than ISIS. Plus a very special birthday message, a spiritual brother to Fat Man & Little Boy, a KKK open day and a rave on a mother fudgin’ wave!  Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return your free admission ticket to the box office where you will receive a pinch of the cheek, a ruffle of the hair and a warm bottle for your travels home. I mean lets be honest, you would have to be a Daily Mail reader to think the s**t we say is actually our opinions. Just jokes, fo [...]

Yes, I’m late on stage. Yes, I clearly haven’t bathed. No, my pants aren’t on backwards and I’m offended at such a personal question! I’m feeling very sensitive right now so just leave me to the rest of this bottle of gin and… NO, it’s not a woman’s drink! It’s for gentlemen and their lying bitch wives! Screw it, I’m gonna go watch my stories. Tonight we have Bo Duke in the studio, a Time Lord girlfriend, Chris’ fear of a DVD and how he ages quicker than a canine. Also hear about Moby Dick at a swimming pool, Flipper’s night on the town, aggravated masturbation and pyro-pebbles!  Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return your free admission ticket to the box office where you will receive a pinch of the cheek, a ruffle of the hair and a warm bottle for your travels home. I mean lets be honest, you would have to [...]

Another week, another show to put on for you bag of bollocks. I put a lot of time into this little soiree we have for you and I get no respect. You have what looks like the One Direction over in the corner farting into a trombone for their next album, some mouth breather in the front row, cat calling a monkey just because it’s wearing high heels and that large lady using her husband’s tie as a sanitary towel. You, Madam, are such a world class catch, Green Peace are concerned the Japanese will harness you for ambergris. Getting back to why we are here, tonight’s entertainment involves the ultimate sexy halloween costume, magic words for beaver resurrection, American affirmations, Glenn Close Trick or Treating and Mike’s titty suit. Also bringing the noise with hints of T’s blow up about Facebook stupidity, Kellogg’s porn parody, feminist armed robbery and a human speed bump’s brush with politics. Smashing! Please note tonigh [...]

This place is turning into a mad house. Don’t get me wrong, we strongly encourage that but we draw the line at fecal art on our big top walls, ball bag Kerplunk and the violation of our circus monkeys. Sure, they moonlight as ‘Women Of The Night’ but at least give them some downtime from juggling your rectal prolapse. This is beneath a Ringmaster’s duties. No, Madam! I will not master YOUR ring! To class the place up, let me add a little bit of zazz with stories of how to turn a trip to the cleaning asle of Tesco into a Rambo montage, a famous singer’s satanic intentions, a painful debate as old as time and the worst case of hemorrhoids you have ever seen. Chase that with a pinch of missing planes on the moon, how Burger King crisp their french fries and a little bit of TLC from Lady Lager. Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return your free admission [...]

Minion! Minion! get that gentleman down from that sex… perfectly normal swing! It’s not safe, and he’s not been trained by a Hindu Thuggee or a cuckold couple for that matter! He’s going to get into bother and that woman’s lower intestine. My gods, some of you have no decorum!  Speaking of no decorum, tonight we have tales of a modern day Helen of Troy’s unique way of using a recycling bin, a K.I.A by the C.I.A, Groucho Marx moonlighting as a professional and Mike’s Terminator father. Also, spooky goings on at the FIFA graveyard, the definition of a Russian hand model and a charity worker who is genuinely squeaky clean. Enjoy.  Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return your free admission ticket to the box office where you will receive a pinch of the cheek, a ruffle of the hair and a warm bottle for your travels home. I mean lets be hones [...]

Good evening folks! Now that those two major disruptions have been barred from entering the tent… Yes you heard right, madam! If you’re going to perform folatio on a farm animal in my company then I’m going to take offense and take appropriate measures. And no, sir. That doesn’t mean joining in! You’re a sick, sick man but I like the cut of your jib.   On second thought, I’m going to dash off and get this man a coke! Speaking of no decorum, sit back and witness tales of buttplug tombstones, the birth of the creature known as Morkzilla, how contracting lupus can provide time travel and a melty faced lunatic’s mission to mumble the world to death. As a side dish we also have a sure fire way to win 1st place at Cruffs, a fairy tale sting operation, a face paint sniper and a very northern apocalypse. Let the feast begin!   Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funn [...]

Straight to the point tonight, ladies and germs. No time to waste as we have a show to start so sit down and fill your cake hole! Brutus has the engine running and we are itching to get this over with. This week we have a very special guest by the name of Matthew Williams, who you will recognise as our reluctantly revisited sister podcast the voice of the F**k You, Talking Dog intro. This man of merth kindly came on the show to regale tails of events that happened on The Freak’d Boy’s camping trip. Join us as we disclose how Edward Cullen was “pretty high”, Mikey’s mind-bending adventure and taking Bane to hideous realms. Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return your free admission ticket to the box office where you will receive a pinch of the cheek, a ruffle of the hair and a warm bottle for your travels home. I mean lets be honest, you would have to [...]

“Just hear those sleigh bells ringing and jing ting tingaling too” *clicks fingers* Ahh hello, dear audience. You caught me by surprise there. What? NO, MADAM!! I’m not trying to make new holes in my cat! Nor am I being f**ked by Marlon Brando! What the hell is Last Tango In Paris, anyway? Come here, dear minion. Would you be so kind as to man our anti-tank rifle? If she speaks out of line again, show her how Birds REALLY make their delicious custard. And while she’s distracted with the factory tour, take the shot! Tonight we have one of the Freak’d boy’s heads compressing into a singularity with the power of earth (no, not the kid from Captain Planet), a Christmas tree being wished to life and given a passport, a monistary wine that will give you hints of summer plus a thirty year conviction and using the universe for it’s intended purpose. Also, the most horrible crime to commit to your fellow man,  irony squared, a [...]

W.C Fields once said “No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s just a matter of degree”. Madam, you have raised the bar for all lady kind. I don’t know how you managed to get your hands on plutonium, I don’t know how you moulded it into the shape of Joseph Kony and I definately don’t want to know how you smuggled it in. You have been told too many times - if you wish to use breadsticks like a packet of Always Ultra, you do it in your own home. Now I say good day to you! Apologies, folks. Won’t have to be behind the lead sheets much longer. Until the S.A.S get here, I welcome you to join us in tales of a dog pissing up the wrong tree, a coming of age story leaving a young man red faced for too many reasons and why Willy Wonka needs to pay bail. Also manly men punching science in it’s fat, stupid face and monkey being schooled in the arts of the melon.  Please note tonight’s show is highly offensive so if you can’t han [...]

Look I’ve told you, madam. No pets allowed. I don’t care if it’s your husband. The snooker ball and fox tail will make the other punters uneasy. Chain him to the lamp post and we will consider letting you in. Some people…Oh sorry, audience. With us again, I see? Nice.. that’s nice. Well to reward your loyalty we have a great show for you lined up this evening. Wanna hear about the strangest sex records in the world? Of course you do. Curious as to how to discover yourself in Iceland? We got it. What about a slice of Hitler street wear to be more hipster than hipster? Of course you f*cking do! All that with a blast of meerkats gone wild, a pinch of snakes for d*cks and an invitation to the mutant minibus! But just remember… Bolatov sees all! Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return your free admission ticket to the box office where you will re [...]

So I say to the police “She’s a fruitloop, pal. She comes here every week and is just unsettling from the get go. If it’s not a midget between her tits its her husband on a lead or it’s… I mean tent pegs were never intended to be used in such a fashion! Lock her up so she can be Hannibal Letcher!” The people you get coming to our shows. It’s enough to….Oh sh*t, it’s curtain up. Gotta go, Clive. This week we have the true origin of Ivan Ooze, an exploration into a junk yard mosh pit, a social commentary in George Orwell’s Animal Farm in thong form and the Bananaramarmageddon. Also, a signture sex toy by Dee Snider, if Ann Summers sponsored Adam West and a weight lifting rampage Keith Moon would be proud of! Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return your free admission ticket to the box office where you will receive a pinc [...]

Sorry I’m late, Ladies and Gents. I was out back doing Peyote with the Bearded Lady. Come to think of it, this show doesn’t have a bearded lady. Who the hell was that?! And who the hell sh*t in my pants?! While I track down this mysterious pudding David Blaine, I want you lot to make those Jack Nicholson smiles even bigger and put your lobster claws together for 3 titans of mirth. 3 giants of giggle. 3 barons of bullsh*t. My little group of ice cream children, please welcome …Gozer!! I mean The Freaks! This week we have a crude effigy of a large cranium’d deity willed to life by hippies, a non-threatening verbal handshake for the appreciation of the fellow man, evidence of King Kong’s digit and a the best way to evict woodland squatters. Also, the real reason white smoke is the indicator for [...]

 Well I’m back again, hat tidied, smell of monkey shit out of my lovely lapels, to delight, entertain, and possibly arouse, Yes I see you sat there tugging at your crotch and drooling down your ball gag sir, I’ll see you in my personal trailer later. Well now that I’ve pulled I can get back to keeping you lot fixated on these three northern calamities.  This week one of our resident Freaks has a severely throaty voice it might sound like hes been sucking a dogs cock but we assure you he’s just been partying. The boys bring you a cat shit so evil Lovecraft himself couldn’t have conjured it. One man’s oily journey to Mr Universe, The retraction of a sentence that one of them never thought they’d hear. A woman becoming the hali-but of someones prank, a man who just can’t control himself, or his bowels, and why you should always be mindful of your surroundings, and never give up sure footing for a killing blow. Pleas [...]

While the ring master is out getting his top hat cleaned, after a rather vicious and inconsistent issue with a monkey and a bear suffering severe diarrhea please follow the note he has left.  Greetings my little cherubs. Please feel free to insert your own incredibly witty blurb in the following space. However it must contain the following points, one countries idolisation of past leaders, an italian lothario whos a little too loud, the creepiest bond villain youll EVER hear about, how an old woman can become a advocate of a life giving ooze, and you too need not feel barren and dejected with a healthy delivery of baby batter…right in your front hole. And with that hit play and ill see you cheeky minxes again very soon Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return your free admission ticket to the box office where you will receive a pinch of the cheek, a ruffle of the ha [...]

Well now that blonde bastard is gone maybe you can all point your attention to the entertainer on the stage who’s here to excite and inform you, come one now, phones away kiddywinks. Well this week the boys bring you a show with delectable delight like the real reason Disney acquired Lucas arts and there plans for Skywalker ranch. How one woman made a no legged man whole, we touch lightly upon the space pope and his intergalactic order, a fish with a very stiff lower lip, and why rope burn can be a severe disability in one horrible case. Please note tonight’s show could be considered highly offensive so if you can’t handle your sick funnies then please return your free admission ticket to the box office where you will receive a pinch of the cheek, a ruffle of the hair and a warm bottle for your travels home. I mean lets be honest, you would have to be a Daily Mail reader to think the s**t we say is actually our opinions. Just jokes, folks!”