The NeuroSpicy Revert - My Journey to Islam

⚠️ Trigger / Trauma Disclaimer: This episode includes references to emotional manipulation, poly-style dynamics, workplace sexism, police harassment, incarceration, and the quiet unraveling of a relationship that once felt like home. Sexual situations are mentioned, but nothing explicit.If you’re in a confusing relationship or carrying fresh heartbreak, listen gently. Take breaks if you need to. You’re not alone.Everything shared reflects my personal experiences and memories. Events are described to the best of my recollection and supported by documentation where applicable. Some names, timelines, or identifying details may be adjusted for privacy and safety.Bismillāh ir-Raḥmān ir-Raḥīm 🌿Some chapters don’t feel like a love story or a disaster — they feel like a fever dream you survived.Episode 6 is the season where my life blended Pretty Little Liars–level manipulation with Hustle & Flow grit, and somehow I was still trying to pretend it was stability.From April 2020 to November 2020, Will and I found our rhythm again. Business picked up, routines settled, and—for a moment—we felt like “us” again. His attorney reassured us over and over that the probation revocation would be reversed, that he would likely just be reinstated, that justice would prevail because the arrest never should have happened in the first place.I believed it.He believed it.And for the first time in a long time, hope didn’t feel delusional.But the good didn’t come without the messy.Crystal was still running her anonymous-text circus like she was starring in season 210 of PLL. I was using the dark web like I had an FBI internship. Will was juggling “camps” and trying to keep the peace. And I was bending myself into every shape trauma told me would make me worthy.We were doing deliveries together, laughing, fighting, healing, running a household, raising kids, and acting like the world wasn’t about to crack open under our feet.Because underneath all the hustle and all the flow — we were both scared.He of being hurt again.Me of being abandoned again.And even though neither of us said it out loud, we both felt the clock ticking.This episode isn’t just about a relationship.It’s about the quiet panic before a life-altering collapse.The way neurodivergent attachment makes shifts feel like earthquakes.And the way a woman can convince herself she’s strong “because she’s managing everything,” when really she’s just surviving on fumes and adrenaline.This part of my story is messy, raw, and complicated — but it mattered.Because it pushed me toward a version of myself I didn’t even know existed yet.With endless duʿāʾ and gratitude,RebekahAnn 🌿The NeuroSpicy RevertIf you found comfort here, pass it on — for the Prophet ﷺ said, “Convey from me, even if it is one verse.” Get full access to The NeuroSpicy Revert at theneurospicyrevert.substack.com/subscribe

⚠️ Trigger / Trauma Disclaimer: This post includes themes of infidelity, trauma, risky behavior, and emotionally complex relationships. Read with care, pause if you need to, and know you’re never alone in these chapters. 🕊️Bismillāh ir-Raḥmān ir-Raḥīm 🌿Some chapters aren’t pretty, but they’re necessary.Episode 5 is the season where I thought I was “choosing me,” when really I was choosing anything that felt like escape.I had left one chaotic man behind and was living like a half-feral 20-something trying to outrun every wound I hadn’t healed. Whitney and I were club-hopping, working at T-Mobile, and pretending our messes didn’t exist. That’s the headspace I was in… when he entered the picture.What started as a simple work call turned into chemistry I wasn’t prepared for — the kind that knocks the wind out of you and convinces your trauma that chaos is connection. Moving to College Station didn’t quiet the storm, it just relocated it ten minutes from his store.That first night with him rewired my life in a way I couldn’t undo. And the weeks that followed were a mix of comfort, danger, intimacy, and consequences — everything a broken girl mistakes for love.He stepped up when my car got repossessed. He helped with the kids. He showed up when Nate wouldn’t. And in the middle of all that, the world reminded us exactly who it hates: two people crossing a color line that small towns still pretend they don’t enforce.I lost my job over it.He almost lost his.And still, we pretended it was “worth it.”But this chapter wasn’t about romance. It was about pattern. About the version of me who kept choosing chaos because she didn’t yet know what peace felt like. About the woman who kept calling survival “love” because she hadn’t met Allah’s definition of it yet.College Station wasn’t healing — it was a mirror.And sometimes the mirror is the lesson.With endless duʿāʾ and gratitude,RebekahAnn 🌿The NeuroSpicy RevertIf you found comfort here, pass it on — for the Prophet ﷺ said, “Convey from me, even if it is one verse.” Get full access to The NeuroSpicy Revert at theneurospicyrevert.substack.com/subscribe

⚠️ Trigger / Trauma Disclaimer: This reflection mentions domestic violence, emotional manipulation, and medical trauma. It is shared from lived experience as part of a faith and healing journey. Please read with care, and pause if you need to. You are not alone. 🕊️Bismillāh ir-Raḥmān ir-Raḥīm. 🌿When I think about that season now, I don’t replay every fight or every lie. I remember the quiet. The quiet after the door slammed. The quiet of a bus rolling through the desert at 3 a.m. with three babies asleep across my lap. The quiet of hospital hallways where machines breathe for people who can’t. Quiet can be a mercy, but it can also be a mirror. In that quiet, I started to see what I could no longer excuse.Why I stayed wasn’t complicated. I stayed because “wanted” felt like “worthy,” because attention looked like peace, because chaos was familiar and familiarity felt safe. I stayed because I had a baby on my hip, another on the way, and a deep fear that my children would grow up without the stability I never had. I told myself endurance was love. It wasn’t. It was survival wearing a borrowed name.The Greyhound was not just a bus, it was a metaphor. Twenty-eight hours of stop-and-go, strange stations, stale air, and the ache of pretending this was a road to “better.” There’s a kind of hope that isn’t holy, the kind that says, “if I can just get there, I’ll be new.” You don’t get new from geography. You get new from truth.Janet’s house taught me another lesson. Manipulation doesn’t always come with fists. Sometimes it bakes dinner, laughs loud, forges a receipt, pockets the rent, and smiles while you drown. Losing my father’s ring hurt more than losing the address, because it proved that people will take even the sacred if you leave it unguarded. Boundaries are not betrayal. Boundaries are how you love the parts of yourself God is trying to heal.The hospital is where my denial started to fracture. People ask why I went. I could say paperwork or obligation, but the real answer is that trauma can make you loyal to pain. I went because the part of me that didn’t believe I deserved tenderness still wanted to earn it. I left with swollen eyes and an unexpected seed: maybe Allah’s mercy wasn’t a prize for perfect people, maybe it was a lifeline for drowning ones.What I wish I could tell that girl is simple:You are not difficult, you are discerning.You are not broken, you are becoming.You are not responsible for another adult’s choices, only for your own healing.And healing doesn’t always look like one big door flying open. Sometimes it’s a hundred small locks clicking loose, one honest decision at a time.If you’re reading this in your own quiet, here’s a prayer you can borrow:Yā Allāh, Al-Latīf (The Subtle, Most Gentle),soften what fear has hardened in me,show me the difference between patience and self-abandonment,and guide me to the kind of safety that makes me truthful. Āmīn.I didn’t meet Islam because I was good at choosing men. I met Islam because, despite my choices, Allah kept choosing me. Over and over. In bus stations, in courtrooms, in NICU rooms, in the split-second decisions that looked like failure but were actually exits.If this chapter resonates, the full episode walks through the details I don’t rehash here, not for shock, but for clarity. Stories lose their power when shame keeps them secret. Mine is out loud on purpose.With endless duʿāʾ and gratitude,RebekahAnn 🌿The NeuroSpicy RevertIf you found comfort here, pass it on — for the Prophet ﷺ said, “Convey from me, even if it is one verse.” Get full access to The NeuroSpicy Revert at theneurospicyrevert.substack.com/subscribe

Bismillāh ir-Raḥmān ir-Raḥīm 🌿When I was nineteen, I thought marriage was freedom.Not love. Not destiny. Just escape.After years of being micromanaged, misdiagnosed, and misunderstood, I was desperate for a way out — any way out.And marriage looked like the door.Justin wasn’t a soulmate. He was safety — or at least, that’s what I told myself. He was older, stable, calm, predictable. All the things my life had never been. And for a girl who had grown up in chaos, that kind of quiet felt like peace.But I wasn’t ready for peace.Because peace requires healing, and I hadn’t done that yet. What I called “freedom” was really just running — away from my mother, away from my pain, away from myself.We married for all the wrong reasons. I wanted independence; he wanted obedience. And before long, I found myself trapped in a new version of the same cage I thought I’d escaped. My mother’s voice followed me into that marriage — the criticism, the guilt, the constant reminder that I was “too much.”She’d call and tell me how to be a “better wife,” and somehow, he listened. The control I grew up under didn’t disappear. It just changed hands. Eventually, they both decided what was “wrong” with me wasn’t trauma — it was the medication for my “bipolar disorder”.No psychiatrist. No evaluation. Just two people who needed an explanation that wasn’t them.And before I knew it, I was on Lexapro and Clonazepam — numbed into silence. For four years, I lived in that fog. Until one day, I woke up and realized I hadn’t been living at all.And when I finally found the courage to leave, I did what unhealed women often do — I ran straight into the next disaster. I chased freedom again, only to find it wearing a different face, a different name, the same pain.But here’s what I didn’t understand back then: Freedom without healing isn’t freedom at all. It’s just another kind of captivity. It took me years — and a lot of broken versions of myself — to learn that you can’t rebuild your life until you stop building it on pain.Now, when I look back at that nineteen-year-old girl, I don’t see shame anymore. I see survival. I see a woman who was trying her best with what she knew.And I see how Allah was already guiding me — even when I didn’t recognize His hand in it yet.If you’ve ever outgrown the version of yourself that everyone else needed you to be, remember — Allah doesn’t ask you to shrink for the comfort of others. He asks you to rise into who you were always meant to become.With endless duʿāʾ and gratitude,RebekahAnn 🌿The NeuroSpicy RevertIf you found comfort here, pass it on — for the Prophet ﷺ said, “Convey from me, even if it is one verse.” Get full access to The NeuroSpicy Revert at theneurospicyrevert.substack.com/subscribe

⚠️ Trigger / Trauma Disclaimer: This post includes mentions of emotional abuse, sexual trauma, and mental health struggles. It is shared from my lived experience as part of my healing and faith journey. Please read with care, and pause if you need to. You are not alone. 🕊️Bismillāh ir-Raḥmān ir-Raḥīm 🌿Before I could ever tell you about my first husband, my affair, or how I ultimately found Islam, you have to understand the teenage girl who came before all of that — the one who built an entire identity out of trying to escape herself.After my grandfather died, AOL became my escape.It was the one place I could breathe.The dial-up tone was a portal, and the screen’s glow felt warmer than my own home.Online, I could be anyone.And anyone was better than who I was — or who I’d been made to feel I was.In real life, I was “the problem child,” the cousin who’d been assaulted and blamed for it, the daughter of a woman too tired to see the truth.In chatrooms, I was mysterious, untouchable, wanted.And when you grow up being told you’re a burden, “wanted” feels a lot like “worthy.”💻 A Screen Name and a Second ChanceBy the time I was a teenager, I was living on food stamps, HUD housing, Medicaid, and TANF.My mom said she “couldn’t” work, but the truth was, she didn’t want to.After years of being taken care of by her parents and her husband, she didn’t know how to survive on her own.And when depression sneaks in — especially after domestic violence and divorce — doing what you’re supposed to do becomes almost impossible.Now I can see that with compassion.Back then, I saw it as abandonment.So I stayed up late online, hiding in chatrooms, pretending I had a life worth envying.Some girls had sleepovers. I had screen names and dial tones.💍 The Marriage That Looked Like FreedomBy the time I turned eighteen, I was desperate for a way out.That’s when I met Justin.He wasn’t like the others — he was local, older, calm, steady.He had a car, a job, an apartment, and most importantly, he wanted me.And when you grow up never feeling chosen, being wanted feels like salvation.We met through AOL.He liked punk and metal, so suddenly, I did too.He had piercings, a loud truck, and played Magic: The Gathering.He wasn’t just a man; he was rebellion with a heartbeat.When he proposed, it wasn’t romantic.It was a $100 Walmart ring handed to me in someone’s living room while the guys compared computer parts.No one clapped.But I did — for myself.Because I wasn’t saying yes to him, I was saying yes to freedom.Even if it came wrapped in cubic zirconia and denial.💊 The Pills That Silenced MeThe first few months of marriage were calm — until they weren’t.I brought my trauma with me, and he brought his silence.My mother’s voice still echoed in the background, dictating how I should behave, how I should “earn” peace.When my emotions got too big, they decided together that I was “bipolar.”No psychiatrist, no testing, just two people mistaking trauma for disorder.That’s how I ended up on Lexapro and Clonazepam, medicated into stillness.At first, I thought I was healing.But healing doesn’t make you numb.I’d stand in the shower for half an hour, staring at the wall, wondering if this was adulthood.If this was love.If this was better than what I left behind.It wasn’t.That chemical fog lasted from 2005 to 2009 — four years of existing in quiet survival until the birth of my son, Ahmed, snapped me back awake.When I finally stopped the pills, it was like breathing after years underwater.I wasn’t bipolar.I was traumatized.And they treated the symptom instead of the wound.🍸 The Freedom That Wasn’tWhen Justin and I separated, I felt free — and that was dangerous.I got a job at a dive bar, kept the trailer, and found a roommate who didn’t mind the noise.For the first time, I wasn’t someone’s daughter or wife.I was just me.And I didn’t know what to do with that.I filled the silence with everything I could — men, music, chaos.I was impulsive, reckless, and starving for validation.Back then, I didn’t know I was autistic or had ADHD.I didn’t understand that my brain craved dopamine like oxygen.Every flirtation, every touch, every risk felt like proof that I was still alive.I wasn’t healing.I was surviving — loudly, desperately, and alone.And then came Chris.If Justin was my cage, Chris was the fire I didn’t see coming.🌙 ReflectionHealing has a way of turning hindsight into humility.I’ve made peace with the girl I was — the one who thought rebellion was freedom and attention was love.She wasn’t broken; she was just loud about her pain.If you’ve ever mistaken chaos for connection, or thought running away was the same as moving on — this one’s for you.Because freedom without healing is just another form of captivity.With endless duʿāʾ and gratitude,RebekahAnn 🌿The NeuroSpicy RevertIf you found comfort here, pass it on — for the Prophet ﷺ said, “Convey from me, even if it is one verse.” Get full access to The NeuroSpicy Revert at theneurospicyrevert.substack.com/subscribe

Bismillāh ir-Raḥmān ir-Raḥīm 🌿Every story of reversion is different — but mine didn’t start with a masjid, or a Qur’an, or even a conversation.It started with a photograph.The first image that appeared when I searched “Palestine” on Instagram wasn’t a travel guide or a recipe video.It was the photo by Motaz Azaiza — a young girl, trapped upside down in the rubble, her small body still beneath the concrete dust.That image stopped me cold.It broke something inside me that no sermon ever could.And when I kept scrolling, the breaking continued.That was the day I realized the world was watching a genocide — not in history books, but in real time.And these were my people.But what truly shook me wasn’t the pain.It was the faith.As a former Christian and a practicing witch, I couldn’t comprehend the way Palestinians — mothers and fathers who had just buried their children — still whispered “Alḥamdulillāh.”Still said “Allāhu Akbar.”Still praised their Lord through unthinkable grief.I remember staring at those videos, whispering out loud,“I want to know You the way they do.”That was the beginning.The first time Islam spoke to my heart before I ever heard the words of the Shahāda on my tongue.In that moment, I didn’t need an invitation or a debate.I needed that level of love and surrender.And that’s how Allah began to pull me from the darkness — with the quiet mercy of a gentle parent who doesn’t yell at a lost child, but simply opens the door and waits.When I finally whispered the words “Lā ilāha illā Allāh, Muhammadur Rasūl Allāh” for the first time, it was alone in my living room.No witnesses. No cameras.Just peace — the kind I had chased through every ritual, every church pew, and every sleepless night.But when I took my official shahāda weeks later at the Islamic Center of America in Dearborn, I didn’t stand alone.Joshua and the kids stood beside me.And when I repeated those words aloud, they repeated them too.Our entire family reverted together — by the will of Allah.We didn’t just become Muslim that day.We became whole.I used to think I found Islam, but now I know — Islam found me.Because sometimes Allah doesn’t call you by name… He calls you through heartbreak, through headlines, through humanity.And when you finally answer, everything you thought was broken starts to make sense.With endless duʿāʾ and gratitude,RebekahAnn 🌿The NeuroSpicy RevertIf you found comfort here, pass it on — for the Prophet ﷺ said, “Convey from me, even if it is one verse.” Get full access to The NeuroSpicy Revert at theneurospicyrevert.substack.com/subscribe

Bismillāh ir-Raḥmān ir-Raḥīm 🌿Every story starts somewhere. Mine begins at the intersection of exhaustion and surrender — the moment I realized that surviving wasn’t the same as living, and that healing would require rebuilding my relationship with Allah one breath at a time.When I first hit record for The NeuroSpicy Revert Podcast, I didn’t want perfection. I wanted proof that faith could sound like a trembling voice and still reach heaven. So much of reversion is unseen — the silent battles with our past, the loneliness of learning everything again, the guilt of not being who we used to be or who we think we should be.This first episode isn’t about doctrine or debate. It’s about why I started telling the truth out loud — because silence had begun to rot my spirit. There’s power in saying, “I’m still figuring it out.” There’s beauty in admitting that our duʿāʾs sometimes come out shaky, and that’s okay.In the episode, I share what it felt like to rebuild faith with ADHD-fog in my head and trauma in my bones — to realize that neurodivergence doesn’t disqualify us from closeness to Allah, it deepens it. Because when your mind never shuts off, you end up noticing Him everywhere.The heart of this project is simple: to remind every revert, every overwhelmed mother, every soul that overthinks itself to exhaustion — you are not broken. You are being fine-tuned.So listen to the first episode when you can. Let it sit with you. Then ask yourself the same question I asked that night before I pressed record:What if Allah isn’t asking me to start over — just to start honest?May this podcast become a space of mercy, curiosity, and courage.May our words travel further than our fears ever did.With endless duʿāʾ and gratitude,RebekahAnn 🌿The NeuroSpicy RevertIf you found comfort here, pass it on — for the Prophet ﷺ said, ‘Convey from me, even if it is one verse.’ Get full access to The NeuroSpicy Revert at theneurospicyrevert.substack.com/subscribe