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The New Old Testament
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The New Old Testament

Author: Jay Willem

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South Park meets the Bible

The New Old Testament is a re-imagining of the Bible as told to you by the drunk guy at the party. A drunk guy who seriously knows his scripture... and who sounds like a robot because the writer can't voice-act for s*** or afford a proper narrator.

It's part adaptation, part commentary, and 100% not for people who take the Bible too seriously. It shares just as much DNA with animated shows like South Park, Rick and Morty, and Archer.
27 Episodes
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What happens when Adam and Eve populate the world through inbreeding? Pretty much what you’d expect – bestiality, cold-blooded murder and a lot of confusingly-similar names.
What happens when God chooses Abel’s sacrifice over Cain’s? Odds are, you’re familiar with the story. Or are you? Take a look at an alternate Bible history where Cain does worse than just kill his brother, and God makes a deal with the devil.
Genesis 1-3: Snake Party

Genesis 1-3: Snake Party

2019-09-0600:28:11

What happens when God has a few beers and decides to create the earth? At first, nothing. Everything’s going pretty well. But when God decides to create people, that’s when things start to unravel. Written and edited by Jay Willem. Find out more at jaywillem.net Drop us a line at thenewoldtestament@gmail.com Intro and outro music from Soap at Looperman.com
Genesis 1-3

Genesis 1-3

2019-09-0600:28:39

What happens when God has a few beers and decides to create the earth? At first, nothing. Everything’s going pretty well. But when God decides to create people, that’s when things start to unravel. Written and edited by Jay Willem. Find out more at jaywillem.net Drop us a line at thenewoldtestament@gmail.com Intro and outro music from Soap at Looperman.com
Genesis 34-35: Gendercide

Genesis 34-35: Gendercide

2018-06-2200:39:46

What happens when Dinah ventures into the city of Shechem? Family politics get messy, an ethnic cleansing takes place, and someone turns into an ogre.
Latest episode of The New Old Testament
What happens when Jake prepares to leave for home after twenty years abroad? A deal is sealed with blood, selective breeding is discussed at length, and Little Red Riding Hood gets a rewrite.
What happens when Jake decides to marry the daughter of his mother's brother? A woman goes bald, the screaming mandrakes from Harry Potter 2 turn out to be an aphrodisiac, and, naturally, there is an incestuous sex-a-thon.
What happens when Jake leaves home to marry his cousin? A bloody wedding night, a party at God's house and a cannabis-fuelled, mind-shredding hallucination.
What happens when Esau tracks down his uncle, seeking revenge against the brothers who betrayed them? A stand-up comedian bombs, Van Helsing gets back in the game and Esau is reunited with his skin.
What happens when Isaac plans to give Esau his blessing? A paedophile is exposed, an unlikely ally is sought out and someone makes the very first skin suit.
Genesis 26: Whole Lotta Lot

Genesis 26: Whole Lotta Lot

2018-05-1700:19:06

What happens when famine strikes Isaac and his family? A wife gets passed off as a sister (again), God tries to talk down a suicide jumper, and a former king gets drunk and tries to kill someone.
What happens when Abraham tries to find a wife for his son? A hungover getaway with a kidnapped bride, a zombie assault on a funeral and Quasimodo falls in love with Simba's daughter.
What happens when God asks Abraham to sacrifice his only son? A cave burial, a brawl in a biker bar and a zombie plague is unleashed on the Middle East.
What happens when Abraham uses his wife as a bargaining chip...again? Devious plans are hatched, an old rival shows up to settle a score, and a certain fetus gets handsy.
Genesis 19: Burn 'Em All!

Genesis 19: Burn 'Em All!

2018-05-1200:24:48

What happens when God decides to nuke Sodom and Gomorrah? Angry mobs, incest and, of course, giant eagles.
What happens when Lot abandons Abraham to go live in Sodom? Orgies, mass circumcisions and multiple bloodbaths.
What happens when God tells Abraham he's going to be the father of a great nation? The world's first skyscraper gets abandoned, people start speaking in tongues and Walter White turns into Heisenberg.
What happens when horny angels come down to earth and create a race of giant angel-human hybrids? Nick Nolte imparts the secrets of life, Noah builds an ark and someone gets a little too friendly with the animals.
What happens when Adam and Eve populate the world through inbreeding? Pretty much what you’d expect – bestiality, cold-blooded murder and a lot of confusingly-similar names.
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