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The New Old Testament
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The New Old Testament

Author: Jay Willem

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The New Old Testament is a re-imagining of the Bible as told to you by the drunk guy at the party. A drunk guy who seriously knows his scripture... and who sounds like a robot because the writer can't voice-act for shit or afford a proper narrator.
23 Episodes
Genesis 34-35: Gendercide

Genesis 34-35: Gendercide


What happens when Dinah ventures into the city of Shechem? Family politics get messy, an ethnic cleansing takes place, and someone turns into an ogre.
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What happens when Jake prepares to leave for home after twenty years abroad? A deal is sealed with blood, selective breeding is discussed at length, and Little Red Riding Hood gets a rewrite.
What happens when Jake decides to marry the daughter of his mother's brother? A woman goes bald, the screaming mandrakes from Harry Potter 2 turn out to be an aphrodisiac, and, naturally, there is an incestuous sex-a-thon.
What happens when Jake leaves home to marry his cousin? A bloody wedding night, a party at God's house and a cannabis-fuelled, mind-shredding hallucination.
What happens when Esau tracks down his uncle, seeking revenge against the brothers who betrayed them? A stand-up comedian bombs, Van Helsing gets back in the game and Esau is reunited with his skin.
What happens when Isaac plans to give Esau his blessing? A paedophile is exposed, an unlikely ally is sought out and someone makes the very first skin suit.
Genesis 26: Whole Lotta Lot

Genesis 26: Whole Lotta Lot


What happens when famine strikes Isaac and his family? A wife gets passed off as a sister (again), God tries to talk down a suicide jumper, and a former king gets drunk and tries to kill someone.
What happens when Abraham tries to find a wife for his son? A hungover getaway with a kidnapped bride, a zombie assault on a funeral and Quasimodo falls in love with Simba's daughter.
What happens when God asks Abraham to sacrifice his only son? A cave burial, a brawl in a biker bar and a zombie plague is unleashed on the Middle East.
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