The Offcuts Drawer - Successful Writers Share Their Best Worst Ideas

The writer & voice of BBC Radio 4's Ed Reardon shares the comedy scripts that missed the mark, got rejected by the commissioners or still remain unfinished. CAST: Nigel Pilkington, Chris Kent, Jake Yapp, Helen Goldwyn, Beth Chalmers, Emma Clarke Christopher Douglas is a British writer and performer, best known for co-writing and voicing Ed Reardon’s Week on BBC Radio 4 with the late Andrew Nickolds, a comedy series that has run for sixteen series and 100 episodes, and was twice recognized as Best Radio Programme by the Broadcasting Press Guild (2005, 2010). He has also created the character Dave Podmore and co-written the radio comedies Mastering the Universe (2 series) and Beauty of Britain (3 series), along with a radio adaptation of New Grub Street and his award-winning drama Tristram Shandy: In Development. On screen and stage, he scripted performances featuring the Nicholas Craig persona (with Nigel Planer) for the BBC, and he is the author of several books including Spartan Cricketer, I, An Actor…, and Ed Reardon’s Week. For more details about Christopher, his offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes: offcutsdrawer.com/christopher-douglas  

A former television writer now an award-winning children’s novelist and playwright, Piers’ offcuts include an attempt at a romantic novel, a social media status update about a bossy weevil, and a sitcom based on the unlikely topic of his early life growing up on a farm during the foot & mouth pandemic.   offcutsdrawer.com/piers-torday  

Top Author & Writer Adele Parks shares clips of her writing that never made it to publication, plus some of her earliest literary attempts and and some very surprising NSFW poetry. CAST: Helen Goldwyn, Emma Clarke, Chris Pavlo and Beth Chalmers. Adele Parks has published more than twenty novels since her first, Playing Away, appeared in 2000. Her books have sold over five million copies and are translated into dozens of languages, regularly featuring in bestseller lists in the UK. She was recognised with an MBE in 2022 for her contribution to literature. Alongside her fiction, Parks has written for national newspapers and magazines, and she is an ambassador for The Reading Agency, supporting efforts to improve literacy and access to books.  Her output includes both romantic comedies and darker psychological thrillers, marking her as one of the most consistent and wide-reaching authors on the contemporary British publishing scene. For more details about Adele, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes:  offcutsdrawer.com/adele-parks

Novelist, blogger & script editor Lucy V Hay shares her writing that failed before she became a published novelist, and screenplays that have yet to find a home. Struggling with mental health issues and a subsequent cancer diagnosis, Lucy shares the story of how she went from being a teenage mum to becoming a successful novelist and script editor, and the driving force behind Bang2Write, one of the most well-regarded writing websites in the UK. Audio Note: Apologies but unexpected software issues caused the guest audio in this episode to be lower quality than usual. CAST: Emma Clarke, David Monteath, Beth Chalmers, Rachel Atkins and Christopher Kent Lucy V. Hay is a British screenwriter and novelist who writes under the names L.V. Hay and Lizzie Fry. As L.V. Hay, she has written crime fiction novels including The Other Twin, Do No Harm, Never Have I Ever, and Safe and Sound. As Lizzie Fry, she is the author of fantasy novels and thrillers including The Coven, Kill For It, The Good Mother, and Little Boy Missing. She runs the script development platform Bang2Write and is the author of several books on writing, including Writing & Selling Thriller Screenplays and Writing Diverse Characters for Fiction. She has worked as a script editor, is head reader for the London Screenwriters’ Festival, and has served as associate producer on Deviation (2012) and Assassin (2015). For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes: offcutsdrawer.com/lucy-v-hay

TV, film and radio comedy writer Dan Maier reveals a cornucopia of different formats for his offcuts that include a radio sketch written for a famous double act, a children's science fiction trilogy and a Victorian blog entry. CAST: Chris Pavlo, Jake Yapp, Helen Goldwyn, Nigel Pilkington and Emma Clarke Dan Maier is a television and radio writer with a career spanning satire, sitcoms, sketch, film, gameshow and comedy formats. He began writing for Have I Got News For You in the early 1990s and has contributed to television shows including Not Going Out, The Armstrong and Miller Show, 8 Out of 10 Cats, and Harry Hill’s TV Burp where he was part of the core writing team across 11 seasons and associated series’s. He collaborations with Charlie Brooker include writing on the various Wipe formats and co-writing the Sky1 spoof A Touch of Cloth. For Channel 4 he created and wrote the gameshow Quizness, and created and wrote the comedy series The Function Room. In films he’s written on Sasha Baron Cohen’s “The Brothers Grimsby” and The Harry Hill Movie. For BBC Radio he’s written on multiple sketch and satire shows, he had 2 series of his own surreal comedy Life on Egg and co-created and co-wrote the comedy-drama Trapped with his brother Mark. For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes: offcutsdrawer.com/dan-maier

Best-selling thriller novelist and author Louise Candlish shares her writing offcuts which include: a deleted chapter from one of her most successful novels, a TV drama that didn't get picked up, the prologue of an abandoned novel, a pitch for a book written before the idea was fully developed, and a couple of stories that reveal her taste for melodrama from a very young age. CAST: Beth Chalmers, Helen Goldwyn, Emma Clarke and Marcus Hutton Louise Candlish is an internationally bestselling author known for her contributions to contemporary crime and psychological thriller fiction. Since publishing her first novel in 2004, Candlish has released 18 novels - including The Island Hideaway (originally Prickly Heat), The Double Life of Anna Day, and The Swimming Pool. Her bestseller Our House (2018) won the British Book Awards Crime & Thriller Book of the Year in 2019 and was adapted into a major ITV drama. Candlish’s 2023 novel The Only Suspect garnered two prestigious awards: the Capital Crime Fingerprint Award for Thriller of the Year and the Ned Kelly Award for International Crime Fiction. Her 2024 novel Our Holiday was recognized as a Sunday Times Top 10 bestseller and was shortlisted for the Theakston Old Peculier Crime Novel of the Year.  Her most recent book, A Neighbour’s Guide to Murder, is just published in the UK and will come out in 2026 in the US. Candlish’s work has been acknowledged repeatedly by industry awards, including longlistings for the Theakston Old Peculier Crime Novel of the Year and shortlistings for the CWA Dagger in the Library Award. For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes: offcutsdrawer.com/louise-candlish  

Advertising copywriter and novelist Paul shares rejected scripts that include a screenplay about a cab-driving priest, a dog that could still become a household name and a romantic reunion for the radio. Cast: Chris Pavlo, David Lane Pusey, Helen Goldwyn, Christopher Kent, Marcus Hutton Warning: This episode contains strong language Paul Burke is a multi‑award‑winning advertising copywriter and producer, widely recognised as one of the UK’s foremost radio creatives. His work has earned him over 30 industry honours, including Cannes Lions and D&AD pencils. He has crafted memorable campaigns for major brands such as Barclaycard, VW, PG Tips, British Gas, and Budweiser, and has frequent experience directing radio commercials. As a novelist, Paul has published four books: Father Frank, Untorn Tickets, The Man Who Fell in Love with His Wife, and Kiss Like You Mean It. Alongside his fiction, he contributes regularly to publications like The Spectator, The Critic, Campaign and The Daily Mail and also appears frequently as a commentator on advertising, media, and culture for outlets including BBC Radio 4, BBC Five Live, and BBC London. Alongside his studio work, journalism, and novel-writing, Paul serves as a judge for creative and literary awards, helping to shape the next generation of storytelling talent. For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes: offcutsdrawer.com/paul-burke/

Writer and storyteller Lynn Ferguson shares a mixed bag of offcuts that include a London love story, a nightmare foxhunt, a ghostly family reunion and a family saga of oil-magnate ducks. CAST:  David Monteath, Nigel Pilkington, Gayanne Potter, Christopher Kent, Beth Chalmers Warning: This episode contains strong language Lynn Ferguson is a writer and story coach whose work spans radio, television, theatre, film and live storytelling. She began her career writing for BBC Scotland’s Megamag, and went on to create the Radio 4 sitcom Millport. Her radio work includes dramas, fairy tales and comedy monologues, while for TV she wrote for The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson and developed pilots for BBC Two and Channel 4. She was also a script consultant on Pixar’s movie Brave. She played a main character in Aardman Animations' hit film Chicken Run and its sequel Chicken Run: Dawn of the Nugget, which she was a writer on too. Her stage plays have been a regular presence at the Edinburgh Fringe, where she’s had eight works produced, including Heart and Sole, Careful, and The Weir Sisters. She won a Fringe First Award and the Stage Award for Acting Excellence. Now based in Los Angeles, Ferguson also writes short films and non-fiction, with bylines in The Scotsman, The Stage, and Time Out. For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes: offcutsdrawer.com/lynn-ferguson/ .  

"Swearing consultant", screenwriter and producer Ian Martin shares a combination of film scripts and short stories that include tales of gory ghosts, a mosquito-ridden dystopia, and body-swapping in the Bible. Cast: Beth Chalmers, Keith Wickham, Kenny Blyth, Christopher Kent, Emma Clarke and Nigel Pilkington This episode contains very STRONG LANGUAGE Ian Martin is a BAFTA- and EMMY-winning comedy writer best known for his scathing political satire on The Thick of It, where he served as the show’s “swearing consultant” and for his work on HBO’s Veep. A longtime collaborator with Armando Iannucci, his credits also include Time Trumpet, The Death of Stalin, and many articles and books, including his parody of Boris Johnson's memoir Unleashed called Unhinged. Martin is celebrated for his razor-sharp dialogue and darkly comic take on modern politics. For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes: https://offcutsdrawer.com/ian-martin/

Best-selling thriller writer Lisa ("Then She Was Gone", "The Family Upstairs", "Watching You") shares clips that didn't make it into her books, and talks in fascinating detail about her unusually practical and no-nonsense writing technique. Clips performed by: Beth Chalmers, Christopher Kent and Rachel Atkins. Lisa Jewell is the Number 1 New York Times bestselling author of nineteen novels (shortly to be 20), including The Girls and The House We Grew Up In, as well as Invisible Girl and I Found You.  Her first novel Ralph's Party, a book whose genre she describes as "flatmates and curry" was the highest selling debut novel of the year. She has written various other genres of fiction, and most recently she's topped the best-selling charts with her psychological thrillers. So far her novels have sold over 5 million copies internationally, and her work has been translated into twenty-nine languages.  For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes:  offcutsdrawer.com/lisa-jewell

"Dublin Trilogy" novelist and former comedian Caimh (CK) McDonnell shares his sitcom set aboard a ferry, a pre-Fleabag Fleabag and a comedy about what happens when multiple timelines meet. Offcuts performed by: Jake Yapp, Darrell Maclaine, Kenny Blyth, Lizzie Roper, David Monteith and Rachel Atkins. This episode contains strong language. Caimh McDonnell is the internationally bestselling author of the Dublin Trilogy which is set in his hometown. His debut novel 'A Man with One of Those Faces' – a darkly comedic crime thriller – was published in 2016 and nominated for best novel at the 2017 CAP awards. It went on to spawn the increasingly uncountable Dublin Trilogy (five books and counting) and the McGarry Stateside series, which have been translated into several different languages and optioned for television. He also writes ‘The Stranger Times’ series of books under the name of C.K. McDonnell which has been described as "a celebration of how truth really can be stranger than fiction" The former professional stand-up comedian and TV writer has performed all around the world, had several well-received Edinburgh shows and supported acts such as Sarah Millican and Gary Delaney on tour before hanging up his clowning shoes to concentrate on writing. His TV writing work has seen him work on some of the biggest topical comedy shows on British TV and has earned him a BAFTA nomination. For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes: https://offcutsdrawer.com/caimh-mcdonnell  

A rap musical set in a US prison based on a Noel Coward play, a sitcom about IVF and a story about JFK faking moon landings - just 3 of the offcuts from comedy writer and US showrunner Georgia. Clips performed by: Desiree Burch, Beth Chalmers, Keith Wickham, Lizzie Roper and Jake Yapp. With additional music by Jake Yapp. Warning: This episode contains strong language. Georgia is a multi-award-winning comedy and drama writer, who has five Emmys, five Writers Guild awards, a Golden Globe, a BAFTA and a Producer’s Guild award. She is currently a writer and co-executive producer on HBO's critically acclaimed show, Succession, now in its third season. Georgia was the co-executive producer and writer on the HBO multi-Emmy winning show Veep, which ran for seven series.  Georgia is show-running The Shrink Next Door: an adaptation of the hit podcast, starring Will Ferrell, Paul Rudd and Kathryn Hahn, for Apple TV. She wrote three episodes of HBO's Avenue Five, Armando Iannucci’s space comedy starring Hugh Laurie. Georgia has written extensively for Miranda Hart and Tracy Ullman and the shows Have I Got News for You, Smack the Pony, Not Going Out and The Thick of It. She created, wrote and show-ran 2DTV for ITV as well as Quick Cuts starring Doon Makichan, Feel The Force and three series of Life of Riley - starring Caroline Quentin for the BBC. Georgia’s memoir My Mess is a Bit of a Life has just been published.  For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes:  https://offcutsdrawer.com/georgia-pritchett

Raconteuse Miranda shares the bits of writing that didn't quite make it, along with tales of her former life as a sex worker, in a show that's definitely NSFW. Clips performed by Chris Pavlo, Bhavnisha Parmar and Emma Clarke.  Warning: This episode contains strong language and explicit material. Miranda Kane is a comedian, writer, and performer who garners inspiration from her previous career as a sex-worker and her more recent work in organising body positive events. She writes and stars in the Audible sitcom SLAVING AWAY, based upon her ‘utterly mundane life as a dominatrix’, which reached number one in the Audible charts and has had its third season recently released. She has also written sex blogs and co-hosts the ‘Good Sex/Bad Sex’ podcast for Metro. She is a sex-worker rights activist, raising money for charities which support sex-workers. She takes part in debates and public speaking events to promote the decriminalisation of sex-work, and in 2017 she was a TedX speaker where her ‘idea worth spreading’ was that comedy and storytelling can help change the public’s opinion of sex-workers to allow them to work in safety and without fear of persecution or prosecution. She currently runs Club Indulge – a range of Body Positive events aimed at providing a safe space for plus size people to enjoy being party animals. For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes:  https://offcutsdrawer.com/miranda-kane

This is not a normal episode of The Offcuts Drawer but a taster of the excellent podcast In Writing With Hattie Crisell. Journalist Hattie visits the studies of writers of all kinds – novelists, screenwriters, poets, journalists and more – to find out how they write, why they write, and what they can teach us about doing it better and the special guest in this episode is Graham Norton. The Offcuts Drawer will be back with a brand new episode later this week but in the meantime you can find more details about Hattie's podcast here: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/in-writing-with-hattie-crisell/id1490412801

An investigation into the Mole-man of Hackney, standup material about pond-dipping and a bit of angst-filled teenage poetry are just some of the offcuts shared by Isy. Clips performed by: Lynsey Murrell, Beth Chalmers, Darrell Maclaine, Shash Hira, Toby Longworth and Emma Clarke Isy Suttie is a comedian, actress and writer who started performing stand up in 2002. She trained as an actress and has written for the GUARDIAN, the OBSERVER, RED and GLAMOUR, and is a regular writer and performer on BBC Radio 4, where her show PEARL AND DAVE won a Gold Sony Award in 2013. This led to two series of her musical story show set in Matlock, ISY SUTTIE’S LOVE LETTERS. Her TV acting credits include Dobby in PEEP SHOW and Esther in SHAMELESS, Ally in MAN DOWN and Nat in DAMNED, and she has been nominated for three British Comedy Awards. She’s written 2 books – THE ACTUAL ONE, a comedy memoir which came out in 2016 and her first novel JANE IS TRYING has just been published in 2021. Episode show notes with offcuts track listing and more details about Isy and the actors:  https://offcutsdrawer.com/isy-suttie

Scotland's "Queen of Crime" shares some stonking bits of early writing, including her attempt at a bonkbuster and the short story that prefigured her move into thrillers. Clips performed by: Christopher Kent, Beth Chalmers, Leah Marks, Kenny Blyth, Emma Clarke and Rachel Atkins. Val McDermid has sold over 17 million books to date across the globe and is translated into over 40 languages. She is perhaps best-known for her Wire in the Blood series, featuring clinical psychologist Dr Tony Hill and DCI Carol Jordan, which was adapted for television starring Robson Green and Hermione Norris. She has written three other series: private detective Kate Brannigan, journalist Lindsay Gordon and, most recently, cold case detective Karen Pirie. She has also published in several award-winning standalone novels, books of non-fiction, short story collections and a children’s picture book, My Granny is a Pirate. As well as books she has also written for stage, radio and screen. In early 2017 Val’s latest BBC Radio 4 drama series, Resistance, aired to great acclaim. And in the last couple of years, she has returned to writing for the theatre with Margaret Saves Scotland as well as the primetime TV series Traces based on her original idea. ITV have subsequently announced the commissioning of a new drama Karen Pirie based on Val’s eponymous series character. For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes:  offcutsdrawer.com/val-mcdermid/

The "Horrid Henry" creator gives us an out-take from her successful opera, unpublished articles and some other children's book ideas that despite her stellar international reputation still didn't get picked up. Clips performed by: Beth Chalmers, Emma Clarke, Leah Marks, David Holt, Rachel Atkins and Keith Wickham. Francesca Simon is universally known for the staggeringly popular Horrid Henry series. These books and CDs have sold over 22 million copies and are published in 29 countries. Horrid Henry and the Abominable Snowman won the Children's Book of the the Year award in 2008 at the British Book Awards. She is also the author of Costa-shortlisted The Monstrous Child for older readers, and Hack and Whack, her first picture book. To date she has published over 50 books for children of all ages including picture books, early readers and a young adult trilogy based on norse mythology. Collaborating with composer Gavin Higgins, Francesca recently wrote the libretto for The Monstrous Child turning it into an opera which received rave reviews when it was staged at The Royal Opera House, London in 2019. For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes:  https://offcutsdrawer.com/francesca-simon

"Friday Night Dinner" writer Popper shares some truly bizarre offcuts including the fake CV that landed him his big break in comedy, a prank community woodland notice and a sitcom about a wasp. Clips performed by: David Holt, Alex Lowe, Toby Longworth and Lizzie Roper. Warning: This episode contains strong language. Robert Popper is an award-winning writer, producer, performer, and bestselling author.  He is the writer and producer of all 6 series of Channel 4’s Friday Night Dinner, he co-created and starred in BBC 2’s Look Around You with Peter Serafinowicz, produced the Bafta-winning Peep Show, wrote on season 14 of South Park, and script-edited British TV comedies The Inbetweeners, The IT Crowd and Him & Her. More recently he co-wrote several episodes of Channel 4's Stath Lets Flats. Under his pseudonym, Robin Cooper, he wrote the bestselling The Timewaster Letters and the follow-up, Return of The Timewaster Letters, and an audio compendium of both has just been released on Audible read by Popper himself and featuring the voices of Serafinowicz and Dawn French.  For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes:  https://offcutsdrawer.com/robert-popper

A grab-bag of television and film scripts that didn't quite make it including a drama about GI brides and a psychological mystery set in the Scottish Highlands from screenwriter Andrea. Clips performed by: Kate O’Sulivan, Kenny Blyth, Lizzie Roper, Shash Hira, Emma Clarke, David Monteath, Rachel Atkins and Beth Chalmers. Warning: This episode contains strong language. Andrea Gibb is an award winning Scottish screenwriter who has worked extensively in both film and television. Her feature length screenplays for ‘Dear Frankie’ and ‘Afterlife’ won her the Scottish Screen Filmmaker of the Year award and the Women In Film and Television script award in 2005. Her adaptation of classic children’s novel ‘Swallows and Amazons’ (BBC Films) was released in cinemas in 2016 and won the Grand Jury prize at the New York Children’s Film festival and the family film award at Seattle Film Festival. She was nominated for the Carl Foreman award at the Bafta film awards for ‘Afterlife’ and has just been nominated for a Bafta television award and two Bafta Scotland awards for ‘Elizabeth Is Missing’, adapted from the novel into a single television film for STV starring Glenda Jackson. This film also won her the writer’s award at the 2020 RTS Scotland awards. She has written four episodes of ‘Call The Midwife’ for Neal Street and the BBC and an episode of ‘Sanditon’ for Red Planet and ITV. For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes:  https://offcutsdrawer.com/andrea-gibb/

The West End theatre version of TV's "The Good Life", the "Toys" musical that came *before* the film... Jeremy's selection of near misses covers both stage and screen. Clips performed by:  Alex Lowe, Lizzie Roper, David Holt, Beth Chalmers, Toby Longworth and Emma Clarke. Warning: This episode contains strong language. Jeremy Sams has written and created countless successful theatre shows including Amour (Broadway), Ghetto (National Theatre and Broadway), Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (West End and Broadway), and The Wizard of Oz (West End and tour). He's translated operas and plays such as Indiscretions (Broadway), The Miser and Mary Stuart (Royal National Theatre), The Rehearsal, Don Giovanni, Figaro’s Wedding, La Bohème, The Magic Flute, Wagner’s Ring Cycle (ENO), Die Fledermaus and The Merry Widow (New York), and he wrote and devised The Enchanted Island for the Metropolitan Opera of New York.  His directorial credits include Die Fledermaus (Metropolitan Opera), The Wizard of Oz (West End, Toronto, US tour), The King and I (Royal Albert Hall), The Sound of Music (London Palladium, world tour), 13 The Musical (Broadway), Donkey’s Years (Comedy Theatre), Little Britain Live, Noises Off (West End and Broadway), Passion (West End), Wild Oats (RNT), The Wind in the Willows (Tokyo, Old Vic) and Spend Spend Spend (Olivier-nominated - West End). As a composer, he has written, arranged and directed music for over 50 shows for theatre, TV and film, including: The Wind in the Willows, Arcadia (RNT and Lincoln Center), The Mother (BBC), Enduring Love (Pathé), for which he won the Ivor Novello Award, Hyde Park on Hudson, Le Weekend and Persuasion (BBC Films) for which he won a BAFTA. For more details about the writer, the offcuts and the actors performing them see the episode show notes:  https://offcutsdrawer.com/jeremy-sams