The Phoney & Call-y Podcast

You heard right, Pho-Cal Heads. This old pod is movin’ on to quieter, less-audible pastures. It’s proven too much for Johnny’s delicate system, and he’s told Tony at the worst possible time! Johnny apologizes. Tony accepts. Even with its somber tones, this episode does not lack a description of Tony’s fulsome toilet leavings. It is still an episode of The Phoney & Call-y Show, after all. Outstanding finances are ironed out, the merch is sold off, and the audience is treated to one, final, undeserved dressing down. Then, Tony contends with an epic Johnny’s Game where all of Johnny’s remaining questions are disposed of. As the receiver is laid down in the cradle, for the last time, our hosts feel immense gratitude for all those who took the time to listen…and searing contempt for the many more who did not. Now, if you will, please remove your Bluetooth headphones, go out into the world, and cough on someone. We love you. Goodbye. This episode is sponsored by Trade Coffee.Get $30 off your first order plus free shipping at drinktrade.com/phoney.

We start with some real, nice energy and momentum. The babies sing a little. Then it all hits a brick wall when Johnny holds forth on his ramen lunch. Who cares, Johnny?! Tony talks about his booster experience, which yes includes anal gel! Which I think has been discussed in like four or five episodes now. Tony does an impromptu and FREE ad for the coffee company that, up until now, has been happy to pay to advertise. Then we get into proper etiquette at Duane Reade and how to make a nice, homemade bleu cheese dressing! Tony gives great plugs, and Johnny displays his dirty water bottle! This episode is sponsored by BabbelGet up to 55% off your subscription when you go to babbel.com/phoney.   00:40:52:01

Johnny has gotten the new COVID booster. And it has provided him with firsthand knowledge of the mysterious “anal gel” that Tony is always talking about. Tony feels vindicated. Johnny feels dirty. They discuss Tony’s recent health ordeal, his ongoing battle with his live-in insects, and there’s some confusion over the name of the Auntie Anne’s pretzel franchise. Then, the simply-effervescent Naomi Ekperigin comes on, clears up the pronunciation of her last name, and immediately wants health advice from the lads. Naomi, it should be mentioned, is recording from a safe house, having fled her husband who, despite his years of diligence, has come down with COVID. Johnny is quick to remind everyone that contracting the virus instantly makes one stupider. No one likes to hear that, but they cannot refute it.

The boys are ready to record. There’s only one problem…they don’t have a guest! They happen to be chatting with pod-fav Gil Ozeri, and they think, “Why don’t we muscle him into being a guest again?” So they do! They rope him into recording, last minute, and blow a big hole into the middle of his busy day! And Gil delivers, yet again. He quick-scarfs some eggs, and is ready to insult Johnny’s grandfather, judge Tony for his grape preferences, and talk about his lusty youth as a gas station attendant in the West Bank! The trio trade near-death experience stories and a brand new, never-before-seen dimension of Tony is revealed! When it comes time for Johnny’s Game, the contestants aren’t satisfied with the standard 3-question format and demand more!  This episode is sponsored by Trade Coffee and Better HelpGet $30 off your first order plus free shipping at drinktrade.com/phoney.Go to betterhelp.com/pc for 10% off your first month

O momentous day! It’s the 50th episode!!! And guess what? It’s never mentioned once. The hosts forgot! Luckily, they do remember to talk about their massive shits and whether it’s okay to touch squirrels. Oh, and Johnny’s new duvet cover has arrived…if anyone’s still interested in that plotline. Jeff Hiller joins the party, and he seems somewhat interested! They discuss Jeff’s LONG long-distance relationship with his husband, his hit new show Somebody Somewhere, and how tiresome it was to do improv with straight men. (Present company…excluded?) Siren sounds blast into Jeff’s apartment, and it becomes clear that his window is open! In New York! Recording a podcast! Tony wins another Johnny’s Game, and then he and Jeff make a tentative plan to get coffee.

Wee oo wee ooo! It’s a medical emergency! John’s father is in the hospital, and that means two things: The boys are very concerned, OBVIOUSLY. And Tony has to say “I’m very sorry” to Johnny, in a sincere and solemn tone. Johnny laps it up! Then comedian, podcaster, and John’s-cousin Rob Stern comes on. He, OF COURSE, is also very concerned about his beloved uncle. Perhaps even more-so. Growing up with multiple siblings seems to have invested him with a sense of empathy and familial duty that Tony & Johnny, the products of solitudinous childhoods, appear to lack. They talk about their shared grandmother’s creepy house, and then Rob shakes off his empathetic concern just long enough to insist that the boys play a promo for his upcoming podcast, The Rob Stern Show. Check it out! This episode is sponsored by Babbel and Better HelpGet up to 55% off your subscription when you go to babbel.com/phoney.Go to betterhelp.com/pc for 10% off your first month.

The boys begin with some clutch accent work, then get into what good drivers they think they are. Listeners are encouraged to take a thorough self-inventory and decide whether or not they are a shitty driver. Johnny brings up his shredded comforter, believing the topic will be interesting. Tony maintains a good face but honestly seems a little bored by the topic. There has, after all, been a lot of bedding talk, on this podcast. When Andy Daly comes on, he and Johnny discover they both have the same microphone! They go over the free audio equipment they’ve received during the pandemic, the budget woes of their respective TV shows, and Andy’s belief that he could beat a police interrogation. After two straight weeks of guests not enjoying Johnny’s Game, Andy puts in a tremendous showing, and we’re back on track! This episode is sponsored by Trade Coffee. Get $30 off your first order plus free shipping at drinktrade.com/phoney

Tony is glistening. He’s comfortable to let Johnny believe it’s sweat from his toils, but really he’s just gotten out of the shower! Johnny is behind on his Zoom updates and makes some brilliant observations about the usage of multiple decimal points in software versions. Then, in a 2nd Fourway segment, co-hosts of the podcast Keeping Records Shelby Wolstein and EJ Marcus come on to talk open concept design, piss strength, and their relatively-new friendship! Tony grapples with the disappointment of yet more guests who have not seen For All Mankind. And Johnny is gutted by a second week in a row where Johnny’s Game has dispirited the guests. Everyone says a favorite pastry, and we’re out.

It’s hot! Should Tony leave his air conditioner running? Dare he? What are the implications for the audio quality of the podcast? The answer MAY surprise you! The show For All Mankind is discussed, and Tony’s telepathic connection to his own feces appears to be growing stronger. When prolific character man James Adomian comes on, he and Tony fondly remember their time “serving in the trenches” together on the Trump Vs. Bernie tour. Tony recommends For All Mankind to James. And then James has recommendations of his own! The typically-lively James seems thoroughly enervated by Johnny’s Game. He’s not particularly critical of it, but his general lowness of spirit is, perhaps, the most scathing indictment of the game, thus far. 00:30:32:00

The pod’s abuzz because Anthony’s dad Larry is coming on today, and his tech specs need to be juuuuust right! Tony is rankled that it’s not societally acceptable for men to wear makeup. We get the sense that the boys think there’s something controversial about this topic, but we’re not quite sure what it is. And then, Tony’s daddy Larry is here! He’s got a blurry background and needs some more help with his Zoom preferences, but aside from that, he’s a jovial, effusive, and supportive sweetheart who has played music all over the world and has some fascinating and uplifting philosophies on integrating art and life and manifesting your own successes. He is NOT a fan of Tony & Johnny’s constant cock-talk. Although he, himself, is a bit of a filth-mouth. And, after all the technical help he’s received, Larry Atamanuik holds the record as the “First professional recording artist on the podcast who was unable to press record.”

We open on a hot, desert soundscape. Heat waves undulate off the baking asphalt. The driving roadhouse rock swells, as a leather-clad dog enters frame. Now that’s how you start a podcast! After they settle down, the laddies jaw about how satisfying it is to return from a trip to find a nice stack-o-mail in need of sorting. Then, the wondrous Emily Strachan hits the scene and divulges that she’s a writer who hates writing…and she’s pregnant! Emily admits to blithely jamming fruit stickers down the garbage disposal, and is eager to gripe about Gil Ozeri…who is her husband! Of course, Tony & Johnny never miss an opportunity to trash one of their closest friends. Emily is also a HUGE fan of Johnny’s Game, and her contributions birth yet another exciting offshoot! See ya later, dog! This episode is sponsored by Freeze Pipe Go to thefreezepipe.com and use code PHONEY for 10% off! 

There’s some disagreement between the two schmucks about whether or not they need to formally greet one another, at the top of the pod. They clearly both want to say “hello,” however. And so they do. Johnny fills Tony in on his recent air travel woes. And Tony is enraged on his behalf. Then, the devilishly-wry Mark Proksch comes on, and guess what? He doesn’t like podcasts! He thinks they’re a waste of time! Our hosts tend to agree. They dish on What We Do in the Shadows and determine that the only remarkable thing about Toronto is that Tony receives cheese alerts from a grocery store there. They wrap up with yet another contentious Johnny’s Game, where Johnny’s setups are subjected to some very unfair scrutiny by the guest.

Another breezy, guest-less episode begins with a classic jump-scare! Even more frightening, Johnny is not running the latest version of Zoom! Thankfully Tony is. Unfortunately, he’s been attacked by spiders, in the night! He shows Johnny his pimply ass, as proof. They reminisce about the old HBO show Real Sex and shudder at the thought of being vacuum-sealed inside a latex sleeve. They discuss their dreams, which quickly leads to a discussion about how boring it is to discuss dreams. Johnny has to urinate very badly, but Tony won’t let him leave until he answers one very important question! This episode is sponsored by Better Help.Go to betterhelp.com/pc for 10% off your first month

It’s a beautiful day out! After struggling to describe it, Tony admits to a near-total ignorance of visual artists. This throws the guys into a confidence tailspin, realizing they are experts in nothing. Then Mary Holland & Dan Klein squeeze in for a dual interview! Or what is commonly called a “Twinterview.” A first in Phoney & Call-y lore. All are delighted by Mary’s tales of her many accidents. And Dan is confused about Tony’s genetic parentage. Mary & Dan have come on to promote a joint project. But, in a stunning twist, they don’t know anything about it!* *'Corked' will release on August 16th. This episode is sponsored by Freeze PipeGo to thefreezepipe.com and use code PHONEY for 10% off! 

It’s too much nipple talk for Tony! Also, Tony has been the recipient of multiple birthday gifts from Johnny. But is Johnny really the magnificent gift-giver that Tony thinks he is? No matter! Geoff Garlock is here! He’s a musician. He’s a comedian. He’s a prolific podcaster. And Geoff has the ability to string together music and movie references in rapid-fire rants that thoroughly confuse Johnny. It’s downright Matt-Pinfield-ish! They talk about the punk/ska/hardcore scenes of the ‘90s, and how they all have trouble identifying with communities. Geoff takes Anthony to task about his 9/11 conspiracy “knowledge,” and then, at the very end of the episode, makes an admission so shocking it must be heard to be belierved! This episode is sponsored by Manscaped.Get 20% off and free shipping at Manscaped.com with our code PHONEY.

Summer’s heating up, and you can’t run A/C during a podcast. So the men are hot! The fellas crunch the numbers on how many full days of recording they’d have to do to bank several years worth of podcasts. Tony says “What?” in a way that sounds gruffer than he means. And Google’s AI is making them sad. Then, Rob Huebel pops in to talk about corrugated metal, disaster prep, and his brother, who is a professional pilot! The boys lavish praise on Rob, and divulge that he’s such an effective straight man, it’s impossible to know whether you’ve actually upset him. Rob, it turns out, is another one of those guests who’s reluctant to give plugs, even though he’s got stuff that needs promoting!

Tony & Johnny are recording the podcast together, in the same room, for the first time! They quickly discover that the “play-aggression” they employ over Zoom feels much harsher in-person. They abandon it for a gentler tact and set about recounting the tale of their previous night together, at Tony’s hotel. How strange it was to see each other. How Johnny was shellshocked from a discomfiting day at an animal sanctuary. How the hotel restaurant displeased and confused them. And how to properly pronounce the word “sandwich.” When Tony skillfully backs them into a Shark Tank scene, Johnny is resistant, at first. But the deal points all make sense. They steward a theoretical podcast listener across the threshold of death and call it a night! This episode is sponsored by Better Help and Freeze PipeGo to betterhelp.com/pc for 10% off your first monthGo to thefreezepipe.com and use code PHONEY for 10% off! 

The giggle-boys are being silly tickledicks, at the top of the pod. They titter about Harry Potter, old email accounts, and whether you have to be a hoarder to run a junkyard. Should it ever come down to it, in a survival situation, Johnny promises to kill Tony in his sleep. Tony takes umbrage at this. Then Dan Lippert swaggers in to claim the title of “2nd Guest Who’s Listened to Every Episode.” The hosts are flattered and go on to grill Dan on his whole life story. Dan turns out to be a kind and sensitive soul who has a deep knowledge of the play The Crucible. Tony probes him for ways they could be running their podcast better. And Johnny is shocked to learn that neither Tony nor Dan likes breakfast pizzas. Honesty abounds!

Tony is hard-selling Johnny on getting back into DayZ (a multiplayer, survival game without the speed of multiplayer, the satisfaction of survival, or the ability to accomplish anything.) And Johnny seems willing! They discuss the discomfort of participating in prank shows and the comfort of good foot care! The buddies compare foot-smoothing tools, and a brief mention of “callus dust” is all it takes to inspire one of their more-nuanced 9/11 scenes! Then, the distractingly-handsome Ben Rodgers logs on from a hotel-room-with-terrible-wifi, and the threesome gabs about Star Trek, parental discipline, and how much leeway society should give the mentally ill when they expose their genitals outside of a school. Tony tries, yet again, to bring up Strange New Worlds, but it appears he is still the only person watching it.

There’s a congressional hearing on UFOs! Tony finds UFO speculation endlessly fascinating. But sadly, try as he might, he cannot get Johnny on board. The circular logistics required to maintain such discussions feel tedious to him. Tony cannot hide his disappointment. They do a Contact-esque scene that would make Carl Sagan feel embarrassed. And then, Neil Casey jets in out of the clear blue sky to add his own theories about the mysterious flying objects! It’s one of those discussions that sounds reasonable, at the beginning, and then makes progressively less sense as it goes along. They recount the glory days of their old improv team, the strange customs that Tony and Neil shared when they were roommates, and Neil’s aerobatics training…because Neil is a pilot who owns a plane! This episode is very flying-through-the-air-ish, I guess.