The Secure Love Podcast with Julie Menanno

After a long holiday break, Bethany and Brian have lost momentum and are "not in a good spot." Brian opens the session feeling "checked out" and asks, "Is this insanity?" while Bethany feels like she's "walking on eggshells," afraid to trigger him. The core of the session focuses on the main block to their progress: Brian's unshakeable and "unworkable" narrative that Bethany is "maliciously out to get him." We explore how Brian's history—from his mother to the financial infidelity to a new story from Christmas—has conditioned him to default to this narrative. The breakthrough comes in reframing this belief not as a fact, but as a safety strategy. His brain defaults to "she's malicious" because it offers a simple solution to his deep pain ("unlovable," "a fool"): it gives him "permission" to leave, which feels safer than being vulnerable. This week's prompt: This week, we worked on the reframe from 'she's malicious' to 'she's just hurt and in her protective mode.' Think about your partner's most triggering behavior. What is the malicious story you automatically tell yourself about it? And what might the 'they're just hurt' version of that story be? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured in a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

Is there an expiration date on old wounds? This week, Brian struggles with seeing Bethany receive empathy for her car accident, as it triggers a deep, unspoken pain from his own past trauma. Months earlier, he was the victim of a violent attack that left him unable to work and feeling alone, which became the foundation for his "I'm done, I'm leaving" stance and his feeling of being a "second-class citizen." This session is about the courage it takes to finally give voice to old hurt. The turning point isn't about deciding whose trauma was worse; it's the powerful breakthrough that happens when Brian shares his vulnerability, and Bethany, instead of defending, meets it with empathy, saying it "softens me." It's a profound lesson in co-regulation and how learning to receive each other's pain is the true foundation of healing. This week's prompt: Reflect on an old hurt that still shows up in your current relationship. What is the feeling that gets triggered, and what do you wish your partner could see in that moment? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

This week, we take a special mid-season break to catch up with our Season 1 couple, Melissa and Drew. It's been a year since we last heard from them, and they're back to share an honest update. We revisit their old anxious-avoidant cycle—Melissa's fear of Drew's shutdowns and their struggles with parenting differences—and hear how they are navigating those triggers today. Melissa and Drew share that while they've made "tremendous strides" in co-regulation, their work isn't over; in fact, they're continuing their journey with another therapist. Their update is a powerful, real-world look at what comes after the initial breakthroughs and serves as a vital reminder that healing is an ongoing process, not a final destination. This check-in provides crucial context for our current season. Melissa and Drew's journey shows that even a less-escalated couple requires time, highlighting the patience needed for a highly-escalated couple like Bethany and Brian. This episode is a testament that growth is not linear, but a messy, courageous, and long-term journey. This week's prompt: Reflect on your own healing journey. Where have you made "tremendous strides," and what parts of your old cycle do you still have to work on? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions or comments about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecureelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

What happens when a couple survives a major crisis, only to be thrown back into their negative cycle by a simple text message? This week, after Bethany recounts a traumatic car accident and Brian's initial, supportive response, a seemingly small conflict about a baby monitor spirals into a "knock-down, drag-out" fight. We dive deep into the difficult work of co-regulation when both partners are hurting. We explore the raw hurt behind Brian's sarcasm—his pain of feeling controlled, questioned as a parent, and like a "second-class citizen." We also uncover why Bethany's instinct to explain and rationalize, a lifelong strategy to manage overwhelming emotions, lands as a dismissal and keeps them stuck. This extended session highlights the essential, messy process of learning to attend to one partner's pain at a time, even when you're drowning in your own. Can you put your hurt aside, just for a moment, to truly see the person across from you? It's hard, but necessary work if healing is the goal. This week's prompt: Reflect on your last conflict. When you felt hurt, what was your go-to protective move (sarcasm, explaining, silence)? What feeling were you trying to communicate underneath that defense? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

Why do we lie to the people we love? This week, we dive into that question by exploring the roots of Bethany's financial dishonesty—a betrayal that has broken Brian's trust and left him questioning everything. This session moves beyond blame to understand the fears and unmet needs that often drive dishonest behavior. It's a powerful look at why healing mistrust is an essential first step before a couple can begin to repair their negative cycle, reminding us that while we can't excuse the behavior, understanding its origin is essential for healing. This week's prompt: Reflect on a time you've experienced dishonesty. If you were the one being dishonest, what fear or unmet need was driving your actions? If you were on the receiving end, what did that moment teach you about trust, healing, and boundaries? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions/comments about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured in a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

For anyone wondering why they keep hitting the same wall in their relationship, this session is essential listening. This week, we go back to the beginning to uncover the origin stories of Bethany and Brian's core wounds—the first major hurts that set their painful cycle in motion and are still alive in their conflict today. We explore how their survival strategies collide when old pain is triggered. Bethany uses logic and explanation to stay safe from overwhelming emotion, while Brian uses anger as a desperate attempt to be seen and heard. We hear the story of Bethany's hidden grief over feeling alone and the story of Brian's broken trust. This episode reveals that healing doesn't start with tallying wrongs or proving who was right. It begins with building the capacity to finally see the wound in the person across from you. The turning point comes not from winning the fight, but from learning how to speak from the pain instead of the defense. This week's prompt: What is your go-to emotional defense when you feel hurt? Do you tend to explain and rationalize, or do you get loud to demand being heard? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions or comments about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

Have you ever gotten caught up in the "50/50" debate in your relationship? This week, we explore the messy, emotional reality that lives underneath the fight for fairness. The session dives into a conflict where Brian feels he's carrying an unequal share of the load, from household chores to finances, leaving him feeling unseen and unappreciated. We explore how the argument isn't really about who does what, but about Brian's desperate cry to be seen and valued for his contributions. His hurt comes out as anger and protest, but underneath lies a deep-seated feeling of being unworthy that stems from his childhood and his parents' divorce. This episode reveals the powerful shift that occurs when protest gives way to pain. The turning point isn't a logical solution to dividing chores; it's the moment Brian's raw vulnerability finally reaches Bethany, instantly softening her heart. It's a profound lesson that true connection isn't born from strategy or proving a point; it's born from the courageous act of showing our wounds. This week's prompt: Think about a time you fought about fairness or "50/50" in your relationship. What was the deeper feeling or unmet need hiding beneath the logistics? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions or comments about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode.

What is the emotional cost for the partner who is left behind in the silence? This week, we turn to Bethany's side of the story to understand her experience of being on the receiving end of Brian's threats to leave. We explore the cycle of confusion and anxiety that begins the moment he emotionally withdraws. We journey into the pain Bethany so often holds inside—the feeling of being punished for a crime she doesn't understand, triggering her deepest fears of failure and abandonment. For someone who has never been the one to threaten divorce, this dynamic leaves her feeling like the "bad guy," responsible for a rupture she doesn't know how to fix. This episode reveals the profound shift that happens when pain is shared from a place of pure vulnerability. By giving voice to her sadness and fear, Bethany bypasses Brian's defenses, activating his empathy for the first time and proving that speaking from the heart can build bridges where frustration once built walls. This week's prompt: Reflect on a time you felt left in silence by a partner. What story did you tell yourself in that silence, and what was the core fear underneath it? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions or comments about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationhip.com. Your submission might be featured in a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

What happens when the fear of being hurt makes leaving feel safer than staying? This week, we dive deep into Brian and Bethany's journey as Brian shares a distressing dream and a painful childhood memory that reveal the roots of his mistrust and his instinct to detach when he feels trapped. We explore how Brian's nervous system drives him to make empty threats to leave, leaving Bethany hurt and confused, while underneath, his fear of abandonment and betrayal runs deep. This session highlights how these reactive moments aren't attempts to hurt each other, but survival strategies masking vulnerabilities that need healing. This episode is a powerful reminder that the fears and wounds beneath conflict don't create new problems—they expose the ones already there. The central challenge becomes clear: can Brian and Bethany learn to turn toward each other's fear, instead of letting it drive them apart? This week's prompt: Reflect on a time when fear made you want to pull away from your partner. What was the deeper need or vulnerability underneath that fear? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions or comments about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

What happens when a real-life crisis puts your relationship's progress to the ultimate test? This week, a stressful weekend surrounding their daughter's tonsil surgery sends Bethany and Brian spiraling, revealing how a shared set of facts can tell two completely different stories and leave both partners feeling more alone than ever. We explore how Bethany's anxiety about their daughter triggers Brian's own deep fear of failure, leaving him overwhelmed and unable to show up for her. The pressure becomes so intense that Brian voices a familiar thought: that continuing with a divorce would be easier than facing the pain of their disconnection. This session is a powerful example of how high-stress situations don't create new problems, but expose the ones already there. The central challenge becomes clear: can they learn to turn toward each other's fear, instead of letting it drive them apart? This week's prompt: Think about a recent time a need went unspoken in your relationship. What were you afraid might happen if you voiced it? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions / comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Take Julie's Anxious Attachment Course: Anxious Attachment: Self-Work Course Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

In this week's session, we dive deeper into Brian's inner world as he unpacks the painful feeling of being a "second-class citizen" in his relationship with Bethany. What does it mean to feel unimportant to the person you love and how does that hurt turn into anger? We explore how Brian's anger is rooted in a longing for connection, not control, and how his unspoken sadness transforms into name calling as he's trying everything he can in his power trying to be heard.  Meanwhile, we examine how Bethany copes with his anger, often retreating and rationalizing, which only deepens their disconnection. This episode is about building awareness and learning to catch the hurt before it becomes a fight. This week's prompt: Think about a time you felt overlooked or unimportant in your relationship. Where did you notice the feeling come up in your body? Send your responses to this prompt or any questions / comments you have about the podcast via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Attend a course or worshop hosted by Julie: Attachment Theory and Relationship Growth Courses Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

In the Season 2 premiere, we meet Bethany and Brian, a couple stuck in a painful cycle of conflict fueled by their attachment styles, Brian's anxious patterns and Bethany's avoidant retreat.  This session lays the groundwork for the season as we explore how they each respond when triggered. We dive into a recent fight over a Wi-Fi password, which activated Brian's deep-seated trust issues. Then, we explore Bethany's experience of being cast as the "bad guy" and her pattern of rationalizing her actions to avoid Brian's reaction. The episode culminates in a powerful breakthrough as Brian steps into vulnerability for the first time, describing the feeling as putting on a "corny suit."  Can putting on that suit be the first step toward changing their entire dynamic? We'd love to hear from you. Send your questions, comments, or your own stories via email or voice note to support@thesecurerelationship.com. Your submission might be featured on a future episode. This week's prompt is: How do you want to feel in conflict with your partner? Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Attend a course or worshop hosted by Julie: Attachment Theory and Relationship Growth Courses Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

In Season 2 of The Secure Love Podcast, licensed therapist and author Julie Menanno returns with a new couple: Bethany and Brian, separated, on the brink of divorce, and making one final attempt to repair their relationship.  This season you'll hear name-calling, financial betrayal, post-partum isolation and deep emotional wounds surface in real time. But beneath the hurt, there's a deeper story, one of longing, vulnerability, and a quiet hope that love might still be possible. Whether or not your relationship looks like theirs, if you've ever felt disconnected, stuck in unhealthy patterns, or unsure how to move forward with your partner, you'll see yourself in their story. Can two people who've hurt each other so deeply learn to connect again? Can they find their way back? Season 2 begins next week. Subscribe now to follow their journey. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit our website: The Secure Relationship Podcast Attend a course or worshop hosted by Julie: Attachment Theory and Relationship Growth Courses Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

In this special live Q&A episode, Melissa, Drew, and Julie reflect on their transformative journey through 20 sessions of couples therapy. Hear why Melissa and Drew chose to take part in this experience, their initial anxieties, and what they gained along the way. They share insights into their progress, areas they're still working on, and moments that didn't make it onto the podcast. Julie also dives deeper into the principles of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), explaining why her approach avoids conflict during sessions and fosters healing and connection instead. With thoughtful audience questions from the community, this episode offers a behind-the-scenes look at the breakthroughs, struggles, and lessons learned. Join us in celebrating Melissa and Drew's vulnerability and growth, and stay tuned for Season 2, launching this January. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. Visit Julie's website The Secure Relationship for all information on upcoming workshops and access to resources. Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

    In this episode of the Secure Love Podcast, Julie works with Drew and Melissa in their final therapy session, focusing on Drew's shame and self-acceptance. The session aims to help Drew accept himself even when his anxieties lead to imperfect behavior. Julie explains that self-acceptance—recognizing one's worth despite mistakes—is crucial for breaking the cycle of shame, which can trigger avoidant behavior and emotional withdrawal from Melissa. Julie starts by helping Drew see the positive intentions behind his need for order, acknowledging that his perfectionism is not all negative. By celebrating this strength, Julie helps Drew open up to confronting the underlying shame. This work is particularly crucial in breaking the couple's negative cycles and building more secure attachment. When Drew can accept himself, even in moments of imperfection, it allows for better emotional connection and co-regulation between him and Melissa, which is the ultimate goal of their 20-session journey. The session also explores how both Drew and Melissa can reassure each other during moments of imperfection, emphasizing the importance of self-acceptance for their emotional growth as a couple and their progress toward a more secure, co-regulated relationship. Melissa and Drew will join us for a live Q&A session on Monday, December 2, at 2 PM Pacific (5 PM Eastern). Don't miss this opportunity to learn directly from their experience. Tune in next week to hear their reflections and advice! Register here: The Secure Love Podcast Q&A With Melissa and Drew     As we look forward to Season 2 with Bethany and Brian in January, take a moment to support this podcast by leaving a five-star review on Apple or Spotify. Together, we can spread these tools and help more couples thrive. Thank you for listening and for joining us on this transformative journey with Melissa and Drew. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. Visit Julie's website The Secure Relationship for all information on upcoming workshops and access to resources. Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

This week on the Secure Love Podcast the focus continues on Melissa's experience as the anxious partner and her journey toward self-acceptance. The episode explores Melissa's struggle to believe she can be loved—even with her fears and imperfections. Guided by Julie, Melissa begins to understand that true love, both from herself and from Drew, must include even the most anxious parts of who she is. Julie delves into the connection between Melissa's childhood attachment wounds and her past relationship patterns, which have fueled her fears and perfectionism. As Melissa works on self-regulation and self-compassion, she starts to let go of the exhausting pursuit of perfection, moving closer to fully embracing her authentic self. While Melissa's personal growth takes center stage, Julie also supports Drew in providing reassurance that speaks to Melissa's core fears. Together, they learn how to balance emotional self-reliance with mutual support, showing that security in a relationship is built on both individual growth and shared effort. Through their openness and vulnerability, Melissa and Drew demonstrate the transformative power of self-acceptance and secure attachment, showing that even anxious parts of ourselves can be embraced within a loving partnership. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, host Julie Menanno focuses on Melissa's anxious attachment style, exploring her emotional regulation challenges and the roots of her people-pleasing tendencies. Julie addresses Melissa's need to create ideal family experiences, illustrated by her high expectations for a recent Halloween outing. Drew's contrasting laid-back parenting style sparked conflict, revealing Melissa's struggle when he doesn't match her enthusiasm. Julie encourages Melissa to reflect on how her anxiety may contribute to Drew's disengagement, pushing her to recognize and take ownership of her role in their relationship dynamics. Julie challenges Melissa to develop self-soothing skills, instead of relying solely on Drew for emotional validation, and to create space for Drew's parenting differences. By encouraging Melissa to manage her expectations and anxieties, Julie aims to help her break negative patterns and foster greater self-confidence and emotional independence.

In this revealing episode of the Secure Love Podcast, host Julie Menanno explores the intricate balance of emotional engagement and self-regulation in relationships through the lens of real-life couple Melissa and Drew. This session represents a significant breakthrough for the couple, as the conflict surrounding their differing emotional responses has been at the center of their negative cycle. The episode revolves around a recent incident involving their son, who exhibited a behavioral tic during dinner. This situation prompted contrasting reactions: Melissa sought immediate emotional validation and support from Drew, while Drew took a more measured approach, suggesting they observe the situation before reacting. Julie points out many anxious partners, like Melissa's deep need for emotional reassurance sometimes leads to a hyper focus on their own feelings—making the situation feel all about "me, me, me." In doing so, she struggles to recognize Drew's emotional needs and the potential benefits of temporarily leaning out from emotional reactions. Through this dialogue, Melissa and Drew learn that navigating their differences requires compromise and empathy. By acknowledging and valuing each other's approaches to handling emotional situations, they take meaningful steps toward a more balanced relationship dynamic. This breakthrough reinforces the idea that both emotional engagement and the ability to lean out are essential for fostering understanding and connection in their partnership. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime  

In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, Julie Menanno explores the complex communication patterns between Melissa, the anxious partner, and her husband Drew. Melissa's deep-rooted anxieties about Drew's desire to be social resurface, causing her to feel as though he's choosing connections outside of their family over her and the kids. Julie guides Melissa through understanding how past moments, such as when Drew was emotionally unavailable during difficult times, have shaped her current fears and triggered a recurring negative cycle whenever Drew appears distant or seeks social time apart. As Melissa unpacks her need for Drew's reassurance, Julie helps her identify what she truly wants to hear from him to feel secure. Through this process, Melissa realizes that in these moments, she craves Drew's affirmation that he's present and committed to their relationship, even when things are hard. Julie emphasizes the importance of clearly communicating these needs, allowing Drew to offer the reassurance that Melissa seeks, rather than sending mixed messages that lead to misunderstanding. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime

In this episode of The Secure Love Podcast, couples therapist Julie Menanno focuses on Drew, the avoidant partner in his relationship with Melissa, as they continue working through disconnection issues in their marriage. The episode highlights a recurring tension between Drew's desire to spend time with friends and Melissa's longing for him to connect with her and their children first. As the primary caretaker, Melissa finds it difficult to step away from her responsibilities and struggles with accepting different parenting styles within the relationship. This tension often leads to frustration and resentment on her part. Drew, on the other hand, feels guilty for wanting to be social, as he sees no harm in spending time with friends. In this session, Julie shifts the focus to Drew's experience, helping him tap into the frustration and unexpressed anger he feels in these moments of disconnection. While Melissa often voices her resentment, Drew has rarely named his own anger, struggling to express it because he associates anger with being out of control and saying things he doesn't mean. Julie guides Drew to see that his anger in this situation is valid and that there is room for his own healthy anger their marriage. By acknowledging and expressing it constructively, Drew can better address the disconnect between himself and Melissa. Follow Julie Menanno on social media @thesecurerelationship. For weekly homework assignments visit Julie's website: The Secure Relationship Purchase Julie's book Secure Love: Create a Relationship That Lasts a Lifetime