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The SelfWork Podcast

Author: Margaret Robinson Rutherford PhD

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Depression, anxiety, and personal emotional struggles, are hard to manage on their own. You can feel very lonely in that battle. And so many people either can’t or won’t try therapy. It’s too weird, it’s too expensive, or you’re nervous about trying it. SelfWork can help you begin that healing, or be an addition to the work you’re already doing, as I offer compassionate common-sense directions, ideas and goals toward the changes you want to make. I’ve been a psychologist for over 25 years; and here at SelfWork, I let you in on what I’ve learned from people just like you.
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September is Suicide Prevention Awareness Month and I want to be a part of debunking what are commonly believed myths concerning suicide. I also want to make sure you're safe. If you become triggered, here's the link to all the suicide services that are known in every country that provides them. It helps to reach out – that’s been proven over and over… so please if you need to talk or text someone, click that link. I've chosen twelve myths that are common to hear and then give the facts. Sometime the experts disagree or issues are more complex, but it's so important to stop saying that suicide is selfish or that only people with mental illness die by suicide. The listener email for today is from someone who couldn’t find grief on the feeling wheel that I discussed in the suck it up episode – which was really an episode on not sucking it up… She’s overwhelmed by grief and doesn’t know how to get through it… Important links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Article about the pandemic’s effect on suicide worldwide Shahnaz study 2018 Dr. Kristin Fuller for The NAMI Blog An article to help you learn and understand the warnings signs Article on suicide by Magellan Health resource NPR article about What’s best with teens and kids 193 SelfWork: Conversation with John Moe (The Hilarious World of Depression) You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                        
Radical acceptance is a termed that describes a way of being - acknowledging the reality of what is happening rather than fighting it emotionally and thus, causing yourself, and perhaps even others, more suffering. I very much like a Carl Rogers quote that Tara Brach, author of the 2003 best-seller, Radical Acceptance, used in her book; “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Radical acceptance takes that idea even further – that accepting what happens in your life also brings a much greater ability to cope rationally with it. The listener email is from a therapist who’s dating someone who sounds severely depressed. And she doesn’t know what to do. I’ll see if I can come up with a couple of ideas for her – and all you “helpers” (and I’m one of them) get helped yourself. And this episode is once again sponsored by BetterHelp! Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Blog post about empty nest called Separate Houses Article by Margarita Tartaskovsky in Psych Central. Excerpt from Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  
Today we’ll be focusing on anger in relationships.  I've seen anger completely mismanaged and it can sabotage what started out as a relationship with much potential. We'll discuss some basic characteristics of anger that are vital to know, as well as a specific dialectical behavioral technique called DEARMAN - which is an effective way of remembering and practicing how to communicate with others about your anger, disappointment or frustration. Our listener email today is from someone who heard my interview with Chris Do on YouTube. She asks what to do when she’s getting a divorce and how to handle a sense of isolation and lack of money. These are practical problems so many people have – and it can seem as if there’s no way to help yourself. But you can look for what you have control over. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Blog Post on anger Explanation of the DEARMAN technique More specific examples of DBT and D-E-A-R-M-A-N Book by Spradlin on DBT and its effectiveness You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
Today's topic was weirdly and almost synergistically created. As I was researching emotional expression, two quite different sources led me to the work of Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett. I'll share her and Dr. Tim Lomas' work with you today, as we discover an entirely new way of thinking about how emotions are created. And maybe just why someone who's learned to "suck it up" struggles to even feel painful emotion at all. The listener email today was created due to my sticking my foot in my mouth and saying something that was incorrect and potentially hurtful.  A listener. who’s also a therapist and has shared this podcast with several of her clients, was very disappointed in me for something I said in the most recent podcast. And she was absolutely right. So I want to set the record straight. I’ve already apologized to her privately, but I wanted to correct and publicly address my overly hasty words. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! A BBC article: by Dr. Tim Lomas And a quote from him: “In our stream of consciousness – that wash of different sensations feelings and emotions – there’s so much to process that a lot passes us by,” Lomas says. “The feelings we have learned to recognise and label are the ones we notice – but there’s a lot more that we may not be aware of. And so I think if we are given these new words, they can help us articulate whole areas of experience we’ve only dimly noticed.” Article by Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett https://www.wired.co.uk/article/lisa-feldman-barrett-emotions And a quote from her:  "If you think about it from a brain's standpoint, it's trapped in a dark, silent box called your skull, and has no access to the causes of the sensations it receives. It only has the effects, and it has to figure out what caused them. So how does it do this? There’s one other thing it can use, and that’s past experience. The idea is that your brain is constantly predicting what sensory inputs to expect and what action to take, based on past experience. Then it uses the incoming input to either confirm its prediction, or change it. It works this way for vision, hearing, taste—for every sense. I think the way emotions are made is not special: your brain makes an emotion by using prior experiences of emotion to predict and explain incoming sensory inputs, and guide action." Link to a Feelings Wheel You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
I had a patient say to me the other day, not in a complaining way, but sort of in a “can’t believe it” kind of way – “I’ve been in therapy with you now for a year. I thought I’d be here for maybe a couple of months.” I want to share a bit of his story as well as others who’ve used therapy not to simply make immediate changes in the direction they’ve wanted or needed - but to make lasting change. Change that sticks. There are certainly problems like eating disorders, complex trauma and chronic conditions that take patience and time. And you may need to stay in therapy for quite a while in order to risk very difficult changes. But often, therapy is more solution-focused. So today, in this episode of SelfWork sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to focus in on what makes change stick. Our listener email for today is from someone who says both he and his partner identify with PHD.. So what should they do? I have some ideas... Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Article by Dr. Sean Young in Psychology Today on Neurohacking An article in Good Therapy on brain spotting and EMDR You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  
John Moe first got my attention when I became a podcaster and listened to his very popular podcast The Hilarious World of Depression. What makes him unique and truly loved by his listeners is his transparency about his own depression and his very wry sense of humor. After making a living as a comic, a writer and then an NPR broadcaster,   he faced his own severe depression. As he interviewed comedians and celebrities for the podcast, he began to see similar behavior patterns and coping mechanisms in his conversations. He saw that there was tremendous comfort and community in talking about these experiences, (including his own suicidal thoughts and the actual suicide of his older brother Rick), and that humor had a unique power. He's now written a new book by the same name. I found him a very smart, but modest and thoughtful person who was more than willing to be interviewed by me – not the most accomplished of interviewers as this was the first one I’ve done in literally years. So, I was honored that he wanted to a part of SelfWork. The episode is about twice as long as most SelfWork episodes; but I think you’ll find that the time flies by. He’s a warm and fascinating guy, whose lived a lot of life, and wants to share what he’s learned. As a therapist, I wanted to know more about his depression, rather than about the podcast. And my questions reflect that. If you’ve ever been depressed, lived through a complex family life, even wondered if your depression might’ve been handed down to you within your family – what’s termed transgenerational trauma - this is the episode for you. Come laugh. Come learn. And come join me and John Moe for a conversation about learning to live with and manage chronic depression. . Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! The Hilarious World of Depression on Amazon You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        
Round Two is coming your way! I had both many women and men attend the Part One of this free workshop on July 30th and their questions were both poignant and intriguing. Part One explained the potential dangers of perfectionism and what exactly perfectly hidden depression is and why it occurs. If you missed Part One, no problem! You can watch it at my website: https://drmargaretrutherford.com/workshop.  Now in Part Two, we'll talk about working and creating new strategies to handle this need and how to become someone who can accept yourself for both your strengths and your vulnerabilities. We'll cover the five stages of healing covered in my book as well as give a sampling of exercises from the book.  The difference between my work on perfectionism and other workbooks is I talk about "why." Knowing the why you needed to look as if your life was perfect can lead you to a true change in your outlook and entire life. I hope you'll join me! August 13th, 6:00 EST. You can go to EventBrite to register or to my website: https://drmargaretrutherford.com/workshop. I'll see you there! 
Today we’re going to talk about embarrassment. I was listening to Brené Brown's relatively new podcast called Unlocking Us and heard her use a term I didn’t know. The term was self-conscious emotions and embarrassment is one of them. In this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll cover how young you are when you can feel embarrassment, what you can learn from failure, and the positive aspects of embarrassment. You might be surprised! I’ve often said you learn a lot more from failure – and I personally have done just that. But how does it get to be something you can learn from rather than something you must avoid at all costs? Why is it that some people cannot tolerate being embarrassed and thus live extremely risk averse lives? The listener email today is from a woman who only recently revealed sexual abuse to her therapist – before not even deeming it important enough to discuss - and how those revelations are changing her for the better. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! A Time article featuring Brené Brown's answers to ten questions Dr. Michael Lewis’ research on embarrassment and child development Tyson Hartnett article on fearing failure Article in LifeScience by Remy Melina  about positive aspects embarrassment You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                  
CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy( is all about discovering your mental mistakes or cognitive distortions - or as the CBT folks say, “Your stinkin thinkin". And CBT is the most recommended therapeutic method to fend off depression. It makes sense. It’s fairly easy to understand. And their premise is that if you change what you believe, then the emotions and actions that follow will be different and far healthier. So today, in this episode sponsored again by BH, we’ll talk about the ten most common mental mistakes you can make and what to do about them. The listener email for today is from a man whose addictions have created pain and severe illness. He takes responsibility but also states that his wife is stuck in believing that he’s feeling sorry for himself. He says he’s very depressed. This is a difficult situation where both sound angry and certainly not allied. What would you say to him? I’ll give it my own try.. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! An article describing David Burns' list of cognitive distortions from The Feeling Good Handbook John Grohol's Psych Central article on ten ways to "fix" those mental mistakes You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!      
Hello everyone! Quick announcement today! I'm giving a free two-part workshop that begins this Thursday, July 30th at 6:00 CST and will continue on August 13th at the same time. It's entitled Perfectionism Meets Pandemic and is hosted by The Sisterhood for Success! It's on the benefits and potential dangers of perfectionism, how the pandemic is affecting those with perfectionistic traits, and we'll also go into why someone develops the need for a perfect-looking life and what it may look like in every day life. Many perfectionists don't think they are "perfectionists" because they never give themselves credit for how well they do!  The first workshop will be recorded and available on my website so register if you can't make it!  I hope you'll join me! All you have to do is register through clicking this this link. Hope to see you there!
There’s a psychological dynamic called approach/avoidance and it’s when something you desire has both positive and negative implications. But the same words are used in considering relationships, where approach/avoidance (or withdrawal) can lead to a true deadlock and constantly recycle itself, with misunderstanding, grief, hurt and resentment steadily increasing. You might think of approach as being the more controlling of the two energies, especially if the approach is made in anger. But my observations have been that withdrawal is incredibly potent. So in today’s episode of SelfWork sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to talk about that very potency and, as always, what you can do about it. The listener email for today is from a young woman who read a blog post of mine on perfectly hidden depression (and now has become a listener) and wants know how to find a therapist. This is probably in the top five of all questions I receive and I'll answer it today. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! The list of the fifteen most compelling movie "goodbyes" Article written on the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse – defined by Julie and John Gottman, very well-known marriage researchers. Podcast on finding and interviewing a potential therapist You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                 .  
Transparency about my own journey with mental health has been very important to me, especially since writing on social media. I've named the illnesses that I've experienced: panic disorder and anorexia.  But I haven’t told the full story - the “why” of either of these problems – at least as best I understand it from my own perspective – and the perspectives of several therapists over the years. I see them both now as issues with control. Trying to get control. Trying to hide from feeling out of control . Fearing looking out of control. So, in episode 189 sponsored by BetterHelp, I’m inspired and a little nervous today to tell you my story. The listener email is from a young woman whose mom is undergoing some type of emotional breakdown after the death of her own father and how that dynamic could be affecting the writer’s choice about getting out of a  relationship. Important Link: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!            
Risking the unfamiliar is something I focus on with almost every client I see, because we all get in the habit of adopting one emotional “face” – or have one emotion that’s our primary go-to response to almost anything. Some of those responses are more healthy than others, but the point of this episode will be to wonder what would happen if you risked feeling something you don’t ordinarily feel? We'll talk about what's called The Karpman Triangle a bit, which is when someone is stuck in a victim/savior/persecutor response set. And I'll give four steps on how to risk feeling or saying or doing something unfamiliar. It can be transformative. The listener email for today is from a young woman who in the last six months has experienced unbelievable trials – and now is suffering from a desire to be invisible and alone. I’ll do my best to help her understand that what she’s experiencing is tremendous trauma. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! A well-written Forbes article describing The Karpman Triangle response set This extremely poignant article by Courtney Enlow on depression and wanting to become invisible. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has been published and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                    
The answer to the title question is yes. Most of us who aren’t in denial about the seriousness of this pandemic are experiencing more anxiety.. We’re washing our hands more - careful about what we pick up or how we touch things -wearing masks or even face shields. Today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I’m going to share some facts about how three different mental illnesses may be emerging or escalating during this Covid pandemic. First OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder Second, phobias – such as germaphobia (fear of germs/bacteria/viruses) or agoraphobia (fears concerning leaving the house – more limiting than social anxiety) And third,  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. The listener email is from someone who's heard from their partner that they're stepping on the identity of their partner. Yet they feel unaware and are asking for my help. It's an interesting question to ask: What if I'm not aware and don't agree with what my partner is questioning? Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Very well-explained article in Web MD about Germaphobia and OCD Here’s a great breakdown of the different “kinds” of obsessions and their accompanying compulsions You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    
Getting lost in a relationship. .. if you’ve ever done it, you know the sinking feeling in your gut that comes when you think about it again. Somehow your “self” – the you that you knew before the relationship began - got ignored, changed, forgotten, absorbed, or even ridiculed. There are lots of reasons how this could happen. Actual abuse, manipulation by someone with narcissistic traits or other disorders, being lied to and deceived. Doing all the giving and very little receiving. I could go on and on about the “why’. But today, in this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I'll be sharing my own story of "self"-recovery. And we'll turn to Dr. Guy Winch's advice about putting you back together again – but in a new and hopefully wiser way. The listener email is from a man whose wife displays many of the traits of perfectly hidden depression, but he doesn’t know how to approach her, and he’s also wondering about how perfectionism could be viewed through the lens of attachment theory. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Test to assess attachment styles found in Psychology Today The article by Dr. Guy Winch Article entitled "The Darker Side of Perfectionism which addresses its relationship with perfectionism You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!   Test to assess attachment styles found in Psychology Today The article by Dr. Guy Winch Article entitled "The Darker Side of Perfectionism which addresses its relationship with perfectionism      
Today we’re talking about telemental health. I asked lots of people about their experience and have some of the most recent research for you. I’d already investigated this because BetterHelp is a sponsor of SelfWork. But I dig into this even deeper because telemental health is being used exponentially more during this pandemic. And there are ways that you and your therapist can set it up for even better success -- I'll give you tips how! Our listener email today is from someone who feels guilt that she’s pulling away from an enmeshed relationship with her parents – where it was her job to act as go-between. And although they made her life very comfortable and provided lots of valuable activities and experiences, it sounds like there was a price to pay. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! 2013 research on teleheatth The governmental study in 2017 on telemental health Article on "Zoom fatigue" found on Ted.com Podcast on enmeshment/SelfWork Blogpost on enmeshment/drmargaretrutherford.com You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! Now there's another way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  
Warning: This episode uses examples from the lives of real people who’ve been bullied by their own parents. So please listen with caution. Here  are a couple of numbers, one for the sexual abuse textline in the US and one for the US National Suicide Hotline. In this episode sponsored by BetterHelp, we’re going to talk about bullies that might be in your life today. Or from your past. What makes someone a bully? Is being a bully a diagnostic category? And as always, what can you do about it and how can you heal? The listener email is from a young woman who sounds to me as if she has, sadly, gone from the frying pan into the fire, and chosen a familiar pain – one that she felt in the biological famly, and now playing that out with the family she married into. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now! Story line of Toy Story 3 - Teaser for  Mean Girls Teaser for Wonder Episode 139 on borderline and narcissistic personality disorder. Blog post on domestic violence and the difficulty in leaving. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!   .            
Wow. Questions about perfectly hidden depression (PHD) are pouring in! And of course that gives me a thrill. But also there's understandable confusion. Perfectionism is supposed to be about anxiety, not depression, right? (The answer is yes and a definite no -- not all the time.) Is the depression that’s covered up by perfectionism the same as classic depression? And so many others. The questions come from all age groups and describe very different kinds of reasons or pathways on how they fell into needing to look perfect. Your questions deserve my time and attention. SelfWork isn’t therapy. I obviously don’t have a therapeutic relationship with people who write in, so I encourage each and every one of these listeners to seek therapy locally or online. If you need to take the book or a podcast into that therapist and begin the session with, “I’m very often not who I look like I am," then that’s where you start. So we don't have one listener email today, but six. Thank you all so much for writing in. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  
Today we’re going to talk about staying busy – not the welcome kind of busyness where you’re actually doing things you love that bring you fulfillment, but the kind of busyness that basically serves as filler in your life. You couldn’t tell me why you’re doing it, or how you got started – other than to say that you’re scared to stop – because you fear a loss of control. I'll offer five tangible ways you can face your fears of change and figure out if too much of your life is spent filling time rather than risking true fulfillment. So today, in an episode sponsored by BetterHelp, I’m talking about busyness that’s all about staying in control. It’s definitely tied into the entire presentation of perfectly hidden depression (PHD)  – and so this belongs in the episodes about PHD already featured here. If you’ve not listened to them, the first two are extremely early – Episodes 003 and 004and the rest are interspersed throughout. Our listener email for today is from someone who heavily identifies with PHD but also is struggling with a highly dangerous eating disorder – so you can hear my advice to her. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive my weekly newsletter including a blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And it's available in paperback, eBook or as an audiobook! And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!          
Today we’re going to focus on what people mean when they say someone they love “had a nervous breakdown.” What does that phrase really mean and is it a real thing? Or some kind of slang we’ve adopted to describe something we don’t really understand... On this episode of SelfWork, sponsored by BetterHelp, we'll discuss how someone can avoid a ‘breakdown” versus being aware of emotional stress or trauma that needs to have a place to vent – to be let go – to be released. We’ll talk a little history as well – going back to Sigmund Freud who’s considered the creator of psychoanalysis. Some of his ideas have been refuted but some others were right on track. And certainly his term “Hysteria” is something we still see today - and still don’t completely  understand. The listener email today is from a listener from Thailand who was confused about the difference between self-pity and depression… I talked about this in Episode 153 but called it “a victim mentality” which I think is probably more accurate. But I’ll address his specific question. Important Links: BetterHelp, the #1 online therapy provider, has a special offer for you now!. The article from  British author Chris Nicholson  on Freud The GoodReads link for "It's All In Your Head" Acute stress disorder Mayo Clinic’s article on nervous breakdowns You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        
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Comments (4)

Michelle Kirkham

Audio quality is not good on this episode.

May 23rd
Reply

Whitney Rodden

Thank you for this. I can relate to many parts and agree especially about the importance of others acknowledging the loss. I lost my first and only child last year in a car accident and hardly anyone mentioned it when I saw them months later. It took my husband and I almost 3 months to pay for our son's ashes. No one helped.

Dec 29th
Reply

Alexa Rodriguez

I love her Podcast! She's very open about herself which makes the podcast highly personable. Great advice, I highly recommend it!

Feb 24th
Reply

James Toone

fantastic and easy to listen to way to understand yourself - and the whole human condition - better

Dec 11th
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