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The Single Mom Podcast - Single Parent Advice, Support & a Little Bit of Humor
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The Single Mom Podcast - Single Parent Advice, Support & a Little Bit of Humor

Author: Heather Wells | Parents On Demand Network

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The Single Mom Podcast is dedicated to inspiring and supporting single moms. Heather Wells is a single mother of three children (two with special needs) who spent years struggling just to make ends meet. Now she is a successful business owner and is dedicated to helping other single moms find the tools, resources and mindsets to navigate through the craziness of raising children alone.

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Moms Are STILL People

Moms Are STILL People

2019-05-2700:40:351

After a recent interaction with someone who accused me of 'emotionally abusing' my daughter because I was expressing my hurt and frustration I started wondering something... Why do moms get treated like we are no longer people? Why are we supposed to keep our feelings, emotions, anger, frustrations etc all bottled up? When we need to go out to let off steam, why are we judged? If we breakdown because we are so tired and emotionally drained, out parenting abilities are questioned. Or when we let our child know that they hurt us we are accused of emotionally abusing them... When did it stop being ok for us to be human?
I quit smoking 8 years ago, and after I did I gained a lot of weight. What started out as 10 additional pounds grew into 50. I have been trying for YEARS to find the motivation & commitment to lose all those extra pounds.I have tried various diets, Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers, and other fad diets I found online. I joined a couple different gyms – and barely went. I tried working out with Beach Body videos at home.I gained it all right back!I finally found something that worked for me - the Keto diet. This episode covers my journey on this diet.
For single moms, Mother's Day can often end up being just like every other day. We don't always have someone to take over for us - allowing us to sleep in, taking over our daily responsibilities and obligations, etc. So for some of us Mother's Day really isn't any different that yesterday or the day before that or the day before that. But it SHOULD be different. Even if there isn't another adult to help you feel that you are amazing for all you do, your kids likely do! And YOU should do something to make yourself feel wonderful on Mother's Day. Because as a single mom you are EXTRA awesome and should be treated as such.So, this podcast episode is dedicated to finding ways to treat yourself this Mother's Day! A quick random list of easy, inexpensive or free ways to do something for yourself this Mother's Day. Don't let it just be another day!
Today's podcast is all about parenting agreements and why you should ABSOLUTELY have one. Making sure that all the details of your co-parenting arrangement with your ex are all laid out and legal is so very important. Having a parenting agreement helps keep all the rules and guidelines of how you will raise your child will actually help to keep things civil with your ex. Well, hopefully.There are so many different things to consider when creating a parenting agreement and today I will cover several of those things. Some of them PROBABLY aren't what you think...
Too often we as single moms will undervalue ourselves. We may not do it on purpose, or even realize we are doing it but it happens more often than not. I recently came to this conclusion after having someone try to use the fact that I am a single mom as some form of insult. This of course does not work on me - because I am happily single. But it does make me realize that there are people who think that all of us single moms are just miserable and looking for a man. Which is often times not true. However, I do know that there are many of us single moms out there who are lonely and who do want to find someone to love and love us in return. Unfortunately, sometimes we end up lowering our standards and undervaluing ourselves just to find someone to fill that void. And that is something we should NEVER do! This episode goes deeper into why you should NEVER undervalue yourself.
Self-contentment... remember what that feels like? Do you remember who you were before you had kids? Do you remember what you loved to do and the things that brought you joy? As a single mom I know that for many years I felt like there was nothing more to me than just being Mom. It was a feeling that is hard to nail down sometimes. The best way I can describe it is a sort of hollow feeling inside. Like there is a part of you that just isn't there anymore.All those things that I used to do, that brought me happiness, I simply stopped doing after my kids were born. Because I was a single mom with little to no help it just seemed impossible. There was no way I would have the time or energy to work on self-contentment. I had kids to feed, boo-boo's to patch up, clothes to wash, events to drive to, homework to help with, doctor's appointments... There was no TIME for anything more, and even if there was time - I was too damn tired to try and do it. 'I'll do that later. When the kids are older.' But something happened, and it happened so slowly - in small increments, that I didn't even realize it ... I lost myself. So many things that had to be done to care for my kids and give them full lives, that I forgot about my own life. I became simply mom. Nothing more to me than that. And I thought that was how it was supposed to be.I felt guilty if I tried to go and do something for myself. How could I possibly justify spending even a dollar on something special for ME when I should dedicate everything to them? What a horrible mother I must be for wanting some time away from my kids!How could I possibly follow my dreams and still be a good mom? So everything was pushed aside and my dreams tossed aside so I could be the best mom I could be. Or so I thought...You see, after a while that hollowness - it starts to become all consuming. You start to feel lost somehow. Yeah, you are still doing everything you need to do in order to be super-mom. But it feels like a chore. Like you have to force yourself to continue with the day to day. You still love your kids more than anything but your life...you don't really love that.Which is NOT a good thing, because whether you realize it or not, your kids can feel that. You may try to hide it - but they instinctively know. Somewhere along the way we decided that we needed to put ourselves last in order to be good moms. We don't. We need to be right up there in the top two! First the kids, then right along side them - US! We need to feel that we are just as important and our goals and dreams are also just as important. Now, I am not saying you should ditch your kids and run off to Paris to become and artist. BUT - if art is something that you love, then it should STILL be a part of your life.Music, art, fashion, architecture, guitar, dance... if you love it, and it feeds your soul, it NEEDS to be a part of your life! You need to feel like a whole person if you want to be the best mom you can be. Even if you can only take 30 minutes a day to feed your passion - at least that is something. Do the things that bring you joy (provided they are not bad habits). You will feel better. You will be better. You will feel part of your self return, I promise!And you will be a better mother for it.
For many couples with children it has been typical that the woman would be the primary care giver. Often times staying at home to care for the kids while her husband worked. However, over the years this dynamic has changed a bit. A 2013 Pew study revealed that 40% of women were the main breadwinners in their homes. It is likely that number has risen over the years. So what happens when a mother, who has always been the primary breadwinner, becomes a single mom? When you haven't been the primary care giver for your child it can be quite a change. In this weeks podcast interview I talk with Rachel who has recently become a single mom. After separating from her husband, she found herself struggling with being the primary caregiver. Rachel had always been the breadwinner for her family while her husband took care of their baby. When they separated Rachel had to learn how to be both breadwinner AND caregiver. Not many of us can understand what it's like to find ourselves in tears at the grocery store because we don't know what foods our baby likes. Rachel's husband had always taken care of the shopping. Not only did she have to learn all about her baby's habits and routines, she had to find a way to move past the guilt she felt because she didn't know these things.In the past several months Rachel has been able to get into the groove that many of us is simply the norm. It took her quite a bit of work but things are finally going great for her and her daughter. She is settling into the single mom life and I have no doubt she will be very successful.
If you know me, or have listened to some of my podcasts, you know that one of the things I dislike more than most anything is stereotypes. I do not like it when people put other people into a certain box, or judge them based on preconceived notions. Assuming they know a person's situation before actually getting to know them.This happens all to often to single mothers. I know that personally I have been stereotyped in the following ways:- a slut - a whore - a welfare queen or scammer - just lookin' for a daddy for her kids - mooching off the system - your kids must be in jail - you were probably a drug addictAnd there have likely been more over the years.So it stands to reason that I would absolutely despise when people just put stereotypes of single moms out there in the world. Especially people with large platforms.People like Tucker Carlson.Recently on his show Tucker did a piece on 'Men in Decline'. In this piece he talked about how women were less likely to marry men who made less money than they did. How they SHOULD want to marry them but they more than likely don't. Now, setting aside how insulting it is to women as a whole to assume that we are all money hungry gold diggers only interested in what a man earns. I mean god forbid we marry for something as stupid as love.There was another statement that he made right after that one that REALLY got my attention.“Over big populations this causes a drop in marriage, a spike in out-of-wedlock births and all the familiar disasters that inevitably follow. More drug and alcohol abuse, higher incarceration rates, fewer families formed in the next generation."A spike in out-of-wedlock births and the familiar disasters that inevitably follow.That my friends is a dig as single mothers. That is the stereotype that is thrown around so often about children raised by single moms. And yes, I know that there have been studies about it, and yes I know that it can and does happen. However, I also know that there are thousands upon thousands of children who are raised by single mothers who turn out just fine. No jail time, no drug habits, no alcoholism.
It is almost the end of 2018 and I don't know about you but I am ready to kick last year to the curb!Last year seemed to be the most BLAH year I have experienced thus far. Now, it may be due to the political BS that has been going on ALL YEAR LONG. It could be my struggles with depression. It could be any number of things.Whatever the cause, I know that I am ready to close it out and bring in a bright new shiny year.I don't know about you, but I personally have routines and rituals that I go through every New Year's Eve. Not the party till I pass out kind of rituals but the kind that help me prepare myself for success in the coming year.Now some of these may be a little too woo-woo for you, and that's ok. BUT I highly recommend that you also close out your year in a way that helps you make 2019 an amazing year!This episode covers my list of rituals and routines for closing out the year...
It's CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!! I don't know about you, but this is my favorite time of year! However, this is also the time of year where I tend to drive myself a little bit crazy and drive myself into the ground. I also used to deal with an overabundance of guilt because of my need to compare myself to other moms or families. In this episode I talk about why you shouldn't try to live up to the idea of a 'perfect' Christmas.
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Comments (1)

Shawna VanOrder

so i wanted to share my thoughts on why some of us might have guilt towards being a single mom and not providing that father figure for our kids and why other moms may not have that guilt. in your first podcast you spoke about the conversation with your boys father and how you gave him the choice to participate or not but that the bottom line was, you were having those babies. At that moment when you decided to keep them with or without him,you accepted the single parent role. You didn't have it in your head that you were going to get married and be a family and raise them as a team.. Your mindset from the get go was that of a single parent. You may not have guilt because you never had the expectations of there ever being a father figure to begin with. speaking for myself, i am experiencing the disappointment and the let down that comes from my kids dad not being around because it was all i ever wanted. To this day I've got no clue what direction to go as far as careers go. Having a family and working together as a team to take care of that family is all i ever wanted. I never even cared about getting married. I just wanted to be a mom and provide my kids with a happy loving family experience with both parents. I wanted them to witness a way of life i didnt get to. When i was pregnant with my daughter her dad entered rehab and things completely changed. We had been together for about 6 years at that time and lived a not so glamorous life till then. With rehab he went back to school, had a good job and was quickly moving up, paying off debt, etc. He was finally becoming everything good that i could see in him even through all the bad. We got our own place together and did weekly hiking adventures and camping and everything we did we did as a team. As lame as this might sound , he was literally making my dreams come true. we planned to have another baby and things were great. I had the most amazing feeling of calmness and peace and contentment. Then he relapsed before our son was even born and everything changed. I fought for close to 2 years trying not to lose that dream that had become my reality. I fought for the daddy daughter relationship they had that i never got to experience. i fought for 10 years of memories made as well as the ones to come. i fought for all the love i still had for him. i fought to keep my best friend. In the end of it all i was forced to get a restraining order to protect my kids. That was December 2016. Ive been doing this on my own with the help of family and friends and i have every reason in the world to hate him. I do not. I am sad for him and all the time he is missing with our kids. i am sad that i lost my best friend of over 10 years. I am angry that i got a taste of the life i always wanted and had it ripped away. The one thing i feel guilt over though is that my kids are missing out on experiencing a family life not just with both parents but one where both parents are actively involved. Where their is love and affection and communication and team work between the parents. Because in my head thats how it was supposed to be. And thats how it started out. That is the role my mind had taken on from the beginning. so yeah.. just my VERY long thoughts on the matter. 😁😁

Apr 26th
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