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The Time Traveler's Guide to NOT Getting Caught
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© The Time Traveler's Guide to NOT Getting Caught
Description
This is the story of how I found a time traveling watch behind a dumpster and my subsequent adventures through time as I make the world a better place...for me...and sometimes for other people as well...I mean, I have no doubt other people also benefited from the changes I made, so in some ways, it's kind of the story of how I became the greatest hero of all time...as well as a guide for any of you who might wind up finding a time machine and becoming a time traveler.
21 Episodes
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Yes it's true, I had a threesome in 1944 Los Angeles, and it was as amazing as it sounds. It was so great that I had an immediate urge to share my story, and so I decided to meet up with my time traveling buddy and tell him all about it which meant, it was time to go on the Titanic. This was a doozy of a trip, and yes, I'm using the word doozy now. Do I use a lot of James Cameron Titanic references in this chapter? Yes. Do the James Cameron Titanic references ever get old? No. Do I enjoy asking myself questions in the episode synopsis? Yes.
Now that I was an enlightened individual, I felt like I didn't need to do any more work on myself and should instead indulge in my sexual desires. So I brainstormed what would be the easiest time period to get laid, and that's when I realized that most of the men in the 1940s were fighting in World War II which meant there was a super high ratio of women to men back in America, so I make my way back to 1944 Los Angeles.
After taking LSD and tripping through time, I felt like I needed some more clarity in life, and so of course, I decide to go back to The Age of Enlightenment. After looking up when and what that actually was, I wind up back in London in 1687 where I meet Sir Isaac Newton before he was a sir. It was also the time before he had ever gotten laid, so I do what anybody in my shoes would do...I help Isaac Newton lose his virginity.
Still reeling from my breakup with the babysitter, I decided I needed to have some me time so I travel to Woodstock because, you know, that's the best place to have me time. While there, I wind up taking some acid and having the craziest trip of all time!
After freeing the Jews in Egypt, I was feeling exhausted, but the babysitter now wanted to free the African Americans by starting The Civil War, and because I wanted to make her happy, I agreed. While back in 1860 South Carolina, the babysitter and I start fighting and I realize that maybe she isn't the love of my life....
Truth be told, I didn't want to go back to Ancient Egypt because I'm not a fan of getting sand stuck in my shoes, but the babysitter wanted to go there, and I wanted to continue to have sex with her, so we went back to Egypt. The babysitter and I had one mission at hand: free the Jews. So I infiltrate my way into the Pharaoh's good graces and then meet Moses and the rest is history...I mean, at the time, it was my present, but later on it became history.
I had survived my first trip with the babysitter, as well as Shakespeare's gnarly poop. Our relationship was progressing and so we decided to go somewhere sexier than Elizabethan Era...and so of course we went to The Wild West. A lot of interesting stuff happens while there, and a few uninteresting things as well (but that can be expected with any trip), but the most important thing that happened was that the babysitter and I consummated our relationship...one and a half times ;).
So the babysitter asks me to prove I'm a time traveler, and so I do what any guy would do in that situation...I take her back to Elizabethan Era England...whenever that was. After I Googled when it was, I took my babysitter on the adventure of a lifetime. While in England, I met William Shakespeare, or at least, I used the bathroom right after him, and I gotta say, it wasn't the best way to meet one of the greatest writers of all time, and also, his poop smelled really bad!
Being a hero is exhausting, and so I decided I deserved to take a little break from fixing my buddy's mistakes and do something for me. So I went back to 2010 to try to woo my old babysitter...and when I say my old babysitter, I don't mean my babysitter's old, I mean that she was my babysitter when I was a kid...but now we were the same age, I just needed to figure out how I was going to make her fall in love with me...
I was feeling pretty good after figuring out how to convince Napoleon to march his army into Russia in the dead of winter, and even though it resulted in a whole bunch of people dying, they were all French, so...you know. I felt like I still had enough energy to do another task on my buddy's list and so it was time for me to go back to the 1920s and end prohibition in America. You're welcome alcoholics!
I now had a mission. I would help my time traveler buddy by fixing the mistakes he made throughout time. The first place I decided to go was back to Napoleon times to stop Napoleon from taking over the world. But I had a big task ahead of me. Somehow, I had to convince Napoleon to invade Russia in the dead of winter.
I was shocked, absolutely shocked. I had discovered another time traveler, but he disappeared before I could say anything to him. I had to figure out where another time traveler would visit, and that's when I realize that any sane person with a time machine would go to Pompeii before it got destroyed, and so I ripped off my bed sheet, made myself a toga and went back to Pompeii to find my new best friend.
After impregnating a cavewoman, I felt the need to add some culture in my life by visiting The Renaissance. While in Rome, I meet three quarters of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Raphael, Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci. But meeting the famous artists comes at a terrible, terrible cost...my innocence!
I was sexually frustrated to say the least. I mean, I had been in a sex drought for way too long, and my failure in Athens was the final straw, and that's when I got a brilliant idea. I would go back in time and make love with a cavewoman. So I did. And while there, I also killed a mastodon!
After surviving The Strangling performed by Benjamin Franklin, I decide it'd be best if I went back in time to do something a little more fun. I realize nothing's more fun than going back to Ancient Athens and partaking in an old-timey orgy...the only problem is, how does one find an old-timey orgy in Ancient Athens?
After realizing my time machine watch can take me any time, anywhere, I ask myself the age old question: if I could talk with anyone in history, who would it be? Well, it turns out my answer is Benjamin Franklin, so I make my way to colonial America and wind up accidentally almost killing him.
After Taylor Swift is spotted in New York, I use my new dumpster watch to teleport to NYC. I soon discover that not only can my watch teleport me, but that it's also a time machine!...which doesn't sound shocking in this moment as you read because you already know I found a time machine, but it was super crazy at the time.
After entering the time into my watch and confirming, I suddenly find myself in India! I know, crazy right! Like seriously, just think about how crazy that is...okay, did you think about it? I had no idea how I suddenly wound up in India, but I knew I had to make the best of my situation.
I find a mysterious watch behind a dumpster, and like anybody would do, I clean it with some hand sanitizer and put it on. At the time, I didn't know it was a time machine, I just thought it was a cool dumpster watch.
I'm just a guy who went back in time and wound up kissing Socrates...and doing other cool things.
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