Claim OwnershipThe United States of Air: a Satire
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© (c) 2012 J.M. Porup
Description
The National Sewer Agency is spying on people's toilets, looking for food terrorists...
Food Enforcement Agent Jason Frolick believes in America. He believes in eating air. He struggles to get the food monkey off his back. As part of the Global War on Fat, his job is to put food terrorists in Fat Camp.
When a pizza dealer gets whacked in the park across the street from the Thin House, the Prophet Jones himself asks Frolick to investigate. For the first time ever, Frolick solves a murder--but what he finds out shakes his faith.
Will he ever be able to eat air again?
Be sure not to miss Chapters 13 1/2, 17 5/8, and 27 98/100!
Food Enforcement Agent Jason Frolick believes in America. He believes in eating air. He struggles to get the food monkey off his back. As part of the Global War on Fat, his job is to put food terrorists in Fat Camp.
When a pizza dealer gets whacked in the park across the street from the Thin House, the Prophet Jones himself asks Frolick to investigate. For the first time ever, Frolick solves a murder--but what he finds out shakes his faith.
Will he ever be able to eat air again?
Be sure not to miss Chapters 13 1/2, 17 5/8, and 27 98/100!
32 Episodes
Reverse
A note from the author.
Chapter 28 -- It is hard, eating air. Sometimes you feel so empty inside. My heart goes out to you. All of you. But do not fear. We, the United States of Air, are here to help you. To free you from this oppression. That is why, if you fail to comply with our demands, we will be forced to nuke your country until nothing is left but a twisted, molten cinder. What's that noise? Not again!
Chapter 27 98/100 -- LaOmelette Park. Foood! Foood! You're going to pay, alright. Kill me! Now's your chance! Real live scientists? It's their fault! The ferrners fault! I can get you off the hook. The holy of holies! Do you like ranch dressing? How dare you engage in favoritism. Wake up the Joint Chiefs of Stick. The Cupboard, too. A crisis. The plan. What's the point of having this superb nuclear arsenal you're always talking about if we can't use it? A secret weapon. You're our only hope, son.
Chapter 27 -- My trial lasted fifteen minutes. A bus ride. Welcome to the final stage of human evolution. Firewood? She spat and turned her back on me. The other prisoners avoided me. U-S-A! U-S-A! We're your slimming consultants! Aerobics time. I'm here to defend your freedom. Rat Boy! What do you think is wrong? There is no escape. Dime bag of flour. What's the matter, Thinny? Help! Somebody, please! Food terrist in our midst. In denial. A new school of thought. Now we've got to run. Go. The Prophet needs you.
Chapter 26 -- A visit to Harry Green in hospital. Gone to Canafooda. They don't stand a chance against my calorie-fueled karate moves. A platoon of heavily-armed Thin Berets. Who are you people? The Fat Berets. We're a new top secret unit. Now come along quietly or we'll be forced to sit on you.
Chapter 25 -- Come out with your hands on your belly. The Sushi Gang. Tastes better when they're sweaty, like salty popcorn! A crumbling supermarket. Escape? It's sushi time... An old friend returns. Get out of here. Go! What are you doing here? See the change you wish to be in the world!
Chapter 24 -- I went insane. I know that now. I woke to the sounds of laughter. Could I have some real food, please? To Agent Froleek! Heez first good meel een yeerz! If this is slavery, baby, I'm lovin' it. Could I get a doggie bag? Eez zees zee I-SEE-FAT hotline? I want to report a food terriste. I made a solemn vow then.
Chapter 23 -- They ripped the fat suit off me and tied me naked to a chair. Torture. No! Not that! Anything but that! Please! Meet my head chef. Show him the video! The world began to spin. The flying Twinkies swirled about my head.
Chapter 22 -- What happened to the lights? The French police? They're what???
Chapter 21 -- Fatso's Thanksgiving bash. Caponey Baloney! How eez my-ee fayvoreet don frum Chicago? You're a gangster. Attitude! The table of honor. But how to poison the soup? A toast: to the Prophet! Great hors d'oeuvre, man. Turkey time. Gotta go potty. A jewel-encrusted outhouse. The food lab. Success! ...or not?
Chapter 20 -- A visit to Food Court. It was just a cracker. Sentencing. In judge's chambers. Can I offer you some refreshment? Toilet tap. Now do you believe me? Then they know everything! Not this time, Mister Cynic. That's the spirit! They're here. Quick! I need your verdict. Run, little Frolick.
Chapter 19 -- That unholy Thursday. Your disguise: Alberto Caponey Baloney. Favorite food: peeg deek on a steeck. But how do I walk? How do I talk? How do I hold myself? You're the law. You must speak of this to no one. Judge Oscar Meyer-Weiner.
Chapter 18 -- Dr. Full Stummick, Naturopath. A promise is a promise. Soup's on! Chop Suey No. 17. Hungry for the truth. And only the truth. Take that! And that! La Resistance. Mais oui. I could not agree to disagree more.
Chapter 17 5/8 -- Little girl, what's your name? Your mommy says you have to go potty. Is that true? Cap sprung me from the brig. Why can't you learn to play ball? A test. You can tell Internal Affairs I passed. What did I do that was so wrong? I don't understand. I'm giving you a choice. The Underground Food Road. You're off-duty until further notice.
Chapter 17 -- The deadline had passed. Schoolchildren would learn my name and revile me. A gift card. A stirring patriotic sight. It reminded me of the flag-raising on Iwo Jima. The man in the poo-colored suit. A briefcase full of flour. Arrest that man! The charge of treason.
Chapter 16 -- A press conference. Hit me with a hard one. Where did you pick up that rumor? The jet came in low from the south. He's turning away! Thin Berets. Neither, sir sir sir sir sir.
Chapter 15 -- They couldn't all be corrupt, could they? Terror clawed at my soul. Suppose she's right. Where would I go to get some food? Everything I'd worked so hard to build would fall apart. What in the name of the Prophet was I going to do?
Chapter 14 -- A dozen red roses. Daddy, Daddy, how was your day? But--what--what are you doing? Bacon? Are you crazy? I'm going downstairs to pray. For you. Do I have to call child services? Hippie left-wing claptrap. How did you get your hands on that? Keep your voice down. Is that how it is. Twinkie-Baal. We are the LORD YOUR GOD. Et cetera.
Chapter 13 1/2 -- Send me up some chicken wings. Would you really let me starve to death? He's coming back tomorrow morning. My bags are packed. A footnote.
Chapter 13 -- A woolly mammoth? Newfangled nonsense. It's uncommon sense that got us into this mess in the first place. The control tower swayed from side to side. That tickles. Maybe I've put on a few pounds. Not my Congressional Medal of Air! I got it for killing defenceless women and children! I would have to resort to torture.
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