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Topic Lords

Author: Jim Stormdancer

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Every week, Jim invites different friends to guest on Topic Lords and be excited about whatever they've been fixated on this week.
86 Episodes
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Gary * * * * Brayton * Bogwater convention coming to your town soon! Topics: * Spirit Halloween's Youtube Channel * * * A drug you never want to try * This list of people's favorite mugs, and how to generalize it * * * Devo - Theme from Doctor Detroit * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: * * Mechanics or features of a game that the game doesn't tell you about * Which undead would you most like to become? Lich? Ghoul? Skeleton? Ghost? Zombie? Wight? Revenant? Microtopics: * What a .tv TLD indicates. * Brayton's Bubbly Bog Water. * Airdropping incredibly earthy mineral water directly to your house. * Using the wrong musical sting. * The gas station that functions both before and after noon. * Drinking water out of a beer bong. * The algorithm providing a solid recommendation for once. * Going into Spirit Halloween and asking for something in an underfed Michael Myers. * Giving out vaseline for Halloween. * The truth according to * Whether vaseline meets FDA requirements for human consumption and whether that qualifies it as a foodstuff. * Blooming your own onions at home so you can stop going to Outback every weekend. * All the other things you could bloom with your new onion bloomer. * A good way to go into a fugue state and have something on in the background while you're doing something else. * A redditor who went missing after acquiring some Datura seeds. * A recreational drug for which the lethal dose varies significantly from person to person. * Deciding whether to join a cult based on whether you hallucinated the cult leader high fiving Aquaman or selling celebrity maps under a bridge. * The serial rooster on the box of corn flakes who's roosting every time you see him. * The rooster jumping off of the Corn Flakes box, grabbing the butcher knife, and giving you career advice. * Explaining that cocaine isn't addictive and you would know because you do it every day. * Scrolling through a Twitter thread about people's favorite mugs to see all the great mugs. * Perusing the multivarious ways a person can like a mug. * The East Berlin traffic light man. * A trivet in your grandpa's kitchen that says Joint-S.T.A.R.S. and depicts a star firing a lightning bolt at a tank, and whether your grandpa is secretly an anime villain. * A dragon clutching the world in its hands with an American flag pattern on its spread wings. * The patriotism dragon. * Our favorite mugs. * Going on Twitter to relax. * Whether a big enough knife counts as a sword. * Devo Vevo. * Dan Aykroyd speed walking while people make fun of him for the entire duration of the film. * Mark Mothersbaugh jogging in a sealed garbage bag so he can quickly lose enough weight to qualify for his intended Devo weight class. * The belt from the 1920s that jiggles you. * Recording a commentary on a Dan Aykroyd movie as part of your podcast about Binding of Isaac collectibles. * Replacing every transition wipe in Star Wars with Mark Mothersbaugh floating across the screen. * The illusion of intentionality. * A beat poet playing a bass constructed out of a bass drum * Our favorite fake lap steel guitar solos and what synthesizers they were played on. * The geniuses at having absolutely nothing to say about Devo's Theme to Doctor Detroit. * The Charmin Bear's mom's opinions on ass wiping. * A Transmissible Toilet Paper Disease That Affects Only Bears. * Rubber Krulwich. * Jogging and Pimps: the Doctor Detroit Story. * One of those Doctor Detroit marriages you always hear about. * The Curse of Doctor Detroit. * Flying out of a still frame of a hot dog. * Mark Mothersbaugh wearing an inflated bodysuit so that his silhouette matches Dan Aykroyd's when they speed walk together. * Going to the area labeled "combat zone" in hopes of finding someone to shoot. * Hiding aliens in your space game and never telling anybody about them. * Hiding a main quest in your space game and never telling anybody about it. * Getting a gamer treat for peeking into corners. * How Portal should've warned you about its unusually high fall damage on the box. * The pros and cons of being a lich. * Whether April would stick around if Jim turned into a lich. * Dying at Chuckie Cheese and being stuck there as a ghost forever. * Whether being a zombie secretly feels awesome. * The tragedy of Quake's wireheading grunts. * Dying on the subway and having to listen to buskers for eternity. * The parable of the good lich and the good billionaire.
85. Corsets For Snakes

85. Corsets For Snakes


Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Alex is on the Topic Lords Discord. * Shannon is offering vaccines. Topics: * Human-led gaming over the internet (like escape rooms). How the DM is walking a line of controlling everything vs being completely controlled by the players. How to design games to be played like this over the internet. * Best and worst parts of camping. * Shutting off the PC speaker as a service. * Call Me By Your Name. * * Unedited (syncable) commentary: * Is "The Birds" the first genre zombie film? Microtopics: * Safe and effective vaccines. * The difference between spring rolls and egg rolls. * Teleconferencing an escape room. * All of the items that came out of this drawer. * A room escape game set in outer space where the players on separate ships communicate via semaphore flags. * Running a massively multiplayer tabletop campaign and inventing the middle manager dungeon master. * How Room Escape games have adapted to the pandemic. * Going camping and wondering "Why are we in the woods? Why are we not in our cozy warm house?" * The novelty of not having your luxuries. * Being imprisoned on a cruise ship and only then deigning to be entertained by cruise ship entertainments. * Enjoying a bonfire because the woods doesn't have Netflix. * The novelty of sitting outside in the dark. * Camping as a simulacrum of being an ancient human. * The sound of wind through the branches. * Symphonies being largely unlistenable unless you're held captive in a nearly entirely quiet room. * The relative ease of paying attention when you're not surrounded by distractions. * The relentless temptation of pulling to refresh. * How bad the flame wars get on the fake Twitter set up just for the attendees of JoCo Cruise. * Waiting to find out whether your cruise ship will be permitted to land. * The dynamics of having a Twitter just for your dorm. * Bringing all 29 volumes of Encyclopedia Britannica because you won't have the Internet on the cruise ship. * Going to a sake bar in Japan to learn how to like booze. * The legality of throwing your drink in a kid's face if they give you sass. * Knowing it's illegal to dance on the street in Japan and deliberately adopting an exaggerated swagger whenever the police are around. * Japanese police's different standards for when white people are dancing. * Whether Japanese police have truncheons or just those flashlights with traffic cones on them. * Getting a job and trying to figure out how to be useful at it. * The PC speaker beeping long after your program has crashed. * Writing a program in the machine language debugger because Windows 98 still comes with programming tools. * A kid swinging over pits. * Commander Keen in: Invasion of the Vorticons. * Back when it was a big deal for the PC to run a game that looked like a NES game. * Eventually realizing that the game you're playing where the cat chases the mouse is actually just a screen saver. * Not being able to convince your dad to buy a CD-ROM drive for the family PC but luckily the N64 uses cartridge technology. * Visiting your friends who own an N64 and playing Mario Kart and Goldeneye and then going home and saying "this is the real shit, check out Pac Man 2." * Being informed that you are in for a treat. * Clouds giving the sun a big hug. * The influence of Spongebob Squarepants on the music video for "Call Me By Your Name" by Lil Nas X. * A snake turning into a cone head. * A very slow jog. * Your under-eye makeup really bringing out your scales. * Corsets for snakes. * Mini-Marge with a smaller version of the same hair. * The denim police taking you to denim jail for fashion crimes. * Wearing clothing with your name on it. * Sequence breaking the endless staircase in Mario 64 by giving the stairs a lapdance. * Nearly having descended the entire stripper pole. * The core strength required to give Satan an extremely slow lap dance. * An extremely entertaining sequence of images. * Exquisitely crafted metaphor that you'll miss entirely if you never look at it. * What zombies were before George Romero invented the modern zombie. * The concept of a zombie as a horde of cannibals. * The fresh ideas that Night of the Living Dead brought to the The Birds genre. * Giving Lovebirds the side-eye. * Night of the Living Dead being progressive regarding its black protagonist but not its woman protagonist.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Erica * @YerrikTRB on Twitter * Erica plugs Kitchen! The Musical, and also Micah’s books: * Micah * @micahwrites on Twitter * Micah plugs Bermudez Triangle, “Chilling Tales for Dark Nights” Topics: * In praise of bad hidden object games * HOPAs, or Hidden Object Puzzle Adventures, made by studios in Hong Kong and Eastern Europe: * * * * * HOPA Let’s Plays: * Better designs for the human body * Modularity: * CRISPR: * When you say "excuse me" you're asking forgiveness for doing something rude, such as burping. When you say "excuse me" as a demand that someone move out of the way because you're impatient to get past, the demand is itself the rude thing, so you should have to say it twice. * Brood X: * Palo Verde beetles * * * Madagascar Hissing Cockroaches: * Beastie Boys - Sabotage * * * Deodar Cedars: * Ryan Reynolds and the Deadpool Cinematic Universe * Watching Shakespeare * The Hollow Crown: * Henry V: * Falstaff, who is actually more in Henry IV than Henry V: * Hamlet in the original Klingon: * Richard II (the one that precedes Henry IV) Microtopics: * Kitchen! The Musical. * Inviting the general public to write the musical that exists only in your head. * Introducing the guest who is bad at introducing himself. * Running a white-hat ARG on company servers to research and understand the employees you fired for running an ARG on company servers. * In praise of terrible games. * Procedurally-generated hidden object games. * Organizing your life in a video game when you can't organize shit in real life. * Where the Hidden Object Puzzle Adventure fan communities are congregating online. * Using the block button on the pile of dishes in the sink. * Asking the manliest gamers to play feminine-coded video games and discovering if they become less manly. * Ladies who want to wear big dresses to be fancy ballroom ladies. * Gamers who don't congregate online but instead enjoy video games by themselves. * Where the Russian developers who make games for American women congregate online. * Clicking on something to make it go away. * Improving humans by adding components vs. by replacing components. * The legality of inventing a new organism by adding or deleting genes. * The Modular Human. * Plants undergoing full genome duplication. * The Diploid Human. * Using your hundred tongues to speak a hundred languages at once. * The one line you remember from "Kitchen! The Musical" * Saying "excuse me" in a higher and higher pitched voice until you're only saying "excuse me" to dogs and bats. * Running an errand in Tucson and incidentally removing horrifying beetles from multiple strangers’ hair. * True bugs and untrue bugs. * True bugs, with piercing and sucking mouthparts. * A reimagining of the insect phylum that includes small dogs and especially annoying children. * Hissing cockroaches that repeat what they hear like a parrot, so when you walk through the forest all you hear is a chorus of raspy voices saying "agh, get it off of me!" * Brood X, scheduled for this summer! * Brood X: Brood In Space. * OS X: OS In Space. * Which is worse, piercing and sucking mouthparts or sawing and sucking mouthparts? * What color of flashing lights civilians are allowed to use. * Pretending to be police. * The invasive plant species that the Sabotage music video is trying to highlight. * Hypothetical potted plants in the background of Powerman 5000's When Worlds Collide. * Being sentenced to community service and filling your rap punk band's trailer with fresh vegetables. * Nick Cave throwing a chair. * A poolside interrogation to find out if someone has a waterproof phone before you push them into a pool. * A cloth dummy falling off of a bridge. * Whether that cloth dummy had a cloth family. * Whether 1970s porn stars styled themselves after 1970s cops, or vice versa. * Popeye the Sailor Moon. * Everybody at the party dressing up as sexy cops and handing the real police a beer when they show up at the door. * Accidentally bringing up sexy cops every time you're on the show. * Chill dudes in short ties. * Taking a picture of a tree out of your moving car and asking a botanist to identify a blurry mess. * A boss who thinks your name is Marcia. * Meeting somebody with overlapping energies. * Total freedom from all societal expectations. * Setting up a movie streaming service that only streams one movie to promote your new phone company. * Buying every copy you can find of your first movie. * Watching multiple sets of people trapped in the same reality where they play out the same dramas and say the same lines over and over. * The one time Shakespeare wrote a stage direction. * Every time Shakespeare has been adapted into a movie. * Who even likes Falstaff. * The Complete Works of Shakespeare, Abridged. * Re-subtitling your movie using lines from Shakespeare. * The origin of Klingons as Shakespeare characters.
83. The Wide World Of Pores

83. The Wide World Of Pores


Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Stevie * * Avery might be on Spotify. Topics: * BREAKING NON MAMMALIAN MILK NEWS: the Arapaima, the largest freshwater fish, feeds its young with a milky white substance that has a hormone found in mammal milk. * Boats * * * * Angle Grinder Man * * * The Safety Dance, by Men Without Hats * * Unedited (syncable) commentary segment: * Music generated by food * * Ron Gallagher, who toured small clubs doing his famous brother's act, eventually resulting in a lawsuit and the estrangement of Leo Gallaher (the famous Gallagher) from his family Microtopics: * The miracle of life on this very special episode of Topic Lords. * Fish milk. * The pigeon milk t-shirt. * Fish lactating out of their heads so the baby fish can swim through the milk cloud to improve their complexion. * Photos of proud fishermen holding fish bigger than they are and drinking milk off of their heads. * The top ten pores. * The defensive pores millipedes use to shoot itchy silk at you like silly string. * How if arachnids couldn't eat they'd die and how that's awesome actually. * Solid state arachnids. * The velvet worm. * Painting so many enormous millipedes that your boyfriend goes to the pet shop to get you an enormous millipede to draw from life and he comes back with no millipedes but he does smell like almonds for a week. * Creating a listener survey to see how many listeners made it past the topic about fish milk. * Not naming the RRS Sir David Attenborough but throwing a bone to the internet by naming its little buddy boat that pops out Boaty McBoatface. * Whether they're actually called pilots. * Losing a whole boatload of rubber duckies so to this day rubber duckies are washing ashore along with disarticulated left feet. * A Twitter bot that just says hello and goodbye to boats entering and leaving the San Francisco Bay. * Tweeting at a boat to say "you're killin' it out there, boat" and being immediately suspended by moderation bots. * Thousands of boat watchers in dinghies all over the ocean watching boat movement through binoculars and sending updates to via carrier pigeon. * Birds that are constantly changing their names. * How slough and slough are actually two different words. * The rest of the boat. * How snowplows get their names in Scotland. * The top eight snowplow names in Minnesota. * All the plow names that didn't make the cut. * Plugging a hair dryer into the cigarette lighter and attaching it to your front bumper to melt the ice as you drive. * A cop writing you a fix it ticket because your hair dryer cables are too tangled. * Superheroes who make house calls. * The police being completely unable to apprehend Angle Grinder man when his phone number and web site are totally public. * Construction Luigi. * Angle Grinder man and Wheel Clamp man both having the same publicity shot of doing a split and grinding the concrete. * A mob of masked superheroes descending on you and beating you up while you try to drink a smoothie. * Extreme Elvis. * A superhero named Bear Man whose superpower is that he only eats salmon. * Pouring one out for the Petoskey Batman. * Trying to think of how The Safety Dance goes but all you can think of is the Humpty Dance. * Getting a taste of Youtube's time-stretching algorithm and spitting it right back out. * Really enjoying the tall grass. * How to tell if somebody is running, frolicking or fleeing. * An excellent prop stone wall with a bunch of old looking rocks. * Extreme expressions of joy bursting with love as you walk through town screaming at everyone. * Continuously jumping and smiling and not being sure which will tire you out first. * S for safety. * Putting a lute in the music video when there's no lute in the song. * A split second of trenchant-seeming serious political commentary at the very end of this lighthearted music video. * Chumbawumba turning out to be serious political artists. * Going to to find out what The Safety Dance is really about. * Claiming that The Safety Dance is not a nuclear protest song per se even though you don't really know what "per se" means. * Drum hits triggered by popcorn pooping. * The popcorn vessel. * How all music is food-based if you think about it. * How humans have been singing since they had mouths. * Using popcorn as both a source of entropy and a tasty snack. * Tracking down the source of experimental saxophone music in the subway so you can give them money and it turns out to be a squeaky belt in the escalator. * The vegetable orchestra. * Powering your synth rock band using a bank of potatoes. * How potato-covered audio cables don't sound better than regular audio cables even though they are more delicious. * The Gallagher Prime story. * The Greek Tragedy of the Gallagher Bros. * Hashtag let Leo work. * Gallagher and Alf both being popular before we discovered what entertainment was. * All the paperwork you need to fill out to put music on Spotify.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Hallie * @hallie_9000 * Chris will find you. Topics: * The Pokemon Sylveon is supposed to be cute but it freaks me out and let me tell you why * Savory french toast. * Remember briefcases? People would just bring paperwork home with them. To work more, at home, for free. Fucked up, if you think about it. * Everytime we touch Detective Pikachu * * * The ethics of making a robot daughter * * * * Microtopics: * Whether it's possible to do Soupertasters remotely. * What show this even is. * Never watching the best episode of a show because if you do the rest will be worse than that. * A game where you explore a tavern and then the game ends. * History littered with the corpses of couch-co-op-only games. * A hypothetical podcast about the dark history of cribbage. * The best vertically scrolling shooter set on British colonial Mars. * Adding faeries to rebalance the meta which has been overrun by dragons. * A little quadruped with features. * Ribbon-like feelers that make you drop your guard. * OG European fairies who steal children and leave rusty nails in their place. * A cute fairy dog that will fuck your shit up when you're not looking vibe. * The mortifying ordeal of realizing that all the Pokemon who look like they're wearing clothes? That's actually their skin. * A Syveon swinging around Viridian City like Spider-Man, eating birds and avoiding cold iron. * Turkey-flavored bread. * Making a Monte Cristo with savory French toast. * A sweet omelette with a lot more bread than egg. * Breadless French toast. * Omelette a la Dig Dug. * Filling crepes. * Using eggs as glue for putting a bunch of yummies together. * Lobster burritos. * What briefcases are for. * A game where you've got a corgi and you've gotta get her somewhere to do stuff. * Bringing a knife to a briefcase fight. * Using briefcases to store underwear. * Whether you want to sit in the briefcase or boxercase section. * Asking president Clinton "boxers or briefs?" on a live Q&A. * An adorable chonky Pikachu. * Detective Pikachu turning out way better than it had any right to be. * Two and a half hours of Pikachu jazzercising. * Whether Pikachu is made of shiny plastic like in Pokemon Go or is furry like a mouse like in Detective Pikachu. * Hiring internet meme people to do concept art for your movie. * Pokemon MC Hammer's extremely baggy purple leg skin. * Realistic Homer Simpson and realistic Mario. * Diving straight into your uncanny valley reflex and poking it with a stick. * Doing an image search for "realistic Mr. Mime" and regretting it immediately. * Psychic stigmata. * Star Trek: The Next Generation and Frankenstein's conflicting takes on whether it's a good idea to construct an artificial person. * Trying to make a robot daughter but accidently making a murder bot. * Committing your kid to Git so you can roll back when they find out about the time you spent on 4chan. * Best practices for doing AI research without committing murder all the time. * The "bunch of delicious stuff in a pan plus eggs" approach to AI research vs. the "frittata" approach to AI research. * Observing and understanding the outcome of training a neural network and writing an ordinary program to do the same thing. * Agreement. * The alternate ending of Frankenstein where Dr. Frankenstein accidentally installs a baker's hand on the monster and it goes on a baking rampage using up all the flour in town. * To what degree parents can be held responsible for what their children do. * How it's okay to disown your parents but not your children. * A chatbot with servomotors in it. * A Furby molar. * A burden too great to bear alone. * A Furby living in a hollowed out tooth filled with corks. * Waking up next to a ceramic tooth with a face every morning. * Whether MAME has Furby support. * Douglas. * A Furby with baked beans instead of skin. * A Furby with teeth in the middle and it's not okay.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Alexander * Amanda Topics: * The disappointment of sci-fi stories that are just reskins of stuff that happens on Earth. * My bitcoin. * * I can't decide whether I'm more annoyed that Wienerschnitzel doesn't serve schnitzel, or that they did for three months in 2017 as a gag. * Jesse asks "First encountering a song through parody." * Bad habits that adventure games teach you. Microtopics: * Shrinking your pony until it's really small. * Pulling down the console and typing +mlook. * Skyrim modding as a more convincing representation of magic than the spell system in the game itself. * A very cryptic twitter account that just posts numbers. * What @math_ebooks did to be suspended. * Wanting to land on a planet and look for Bob but a different planet gets in your way first. * Sci-fi as a safe lens for exploring our culture without getting people's defenses up. * Reverse mystery stories. * Starfish people who communicate through music. * Watching Solaris because you're really into boring sci-fi. * An alien invasion movie without the invasion. * Final Jeopardy asking you to identify the Close Encounters of the Third Kind melody from the interval names. * The fires of Musical Jeopardy. * The correlation between how tightly strung your instrument is vs. how tightly strung you are. * The Star Trek episode where the Enterprise discovers a musician planet where there's a war between the pianists and the oboists. * Edmonton, the early Bitcoin hub. * SETI@home never finding anything interesting. * Losing your Bitcoin wallet. * Buying a $40,000 coffee with Bitcoin in 2013. * Giving your college hard drive to a friend to ask them to try to find your Bitcoin wallet without first scouring it for incriminating evidence. * Deciding you no longer need a memes folder on your hard drive because you can easily find as many memes as you need on the Internet. * Dressing up as the Murder She Wrote theme song for Meme Day. * Whether the Murder She Wrote theme song is a meme. * The barbecue joint that accepts Dogecoin. * Going to Remedy Chai in Edmonton and getting a butter chicken wrap and a $40,000 chai. * Liking both hot dogs and schnitzel but hating Wienerschnitzel. * A joke that most people won't get or notice, and the people who do will be annoyed by it. * My First Book of Space. * Hating potatoes until you discover that they are delicious and then hating them even more. * Your refusal to admit that actually you like potatoes as foreshadowing to every argument you ever have on the Internet. * The Wienerschnitzel chili cheese dog burrito skipping right from marketing's brain to consumer's mouths without ever being taste-tested by anyone. * The Brain to Mouth social movement. * The culinary dimensional space of meat product folded into bread product. * A hybrid chef/engineer who has an understanding of both fast food pipelines and how to prepare a tasty meal. * Hearing every Weird Al version of a song before you hear the originals. * Mathnet. * Bible versions of pop culture songs so you can sing along to the radio without being full of sin. * The guy at Bible Camp who rewrote the lyrics of pop music to be about God, who retired back when Christianity was groovy, so the most recent pop music you're allowed to sing is from the 1970s. * It's getting cold in here, so put on all your coats. * Sherlock Hemlock. * Vincent Twice Vincent Twice. * Monty Python's popularity among Americans who are completely oblivious to what it's satirizing, so a whole generation of American nerds grew up thinking inscrutable nonsense is the pinnacle of comedy. (Which it is.) * A combination of things you usually don't see tickling your neurons in a novel way. * The scene in the Hitchhiker's Guide radio show where Douglas Adams is making fun of disco. * The missing album that the Backstreet Boys only released in Canada so they could practice being famous. * Time traveling to past and future Space Quests. * Doing ridiculous adventure game shit to get a book of matches when you could just go to a store and buy a gosh darned book of matches. * An adventure game where you can do what makes sense. * How the Infocom hard boiled detective text adventures were structured differently from traditional text adventures. * Wanting Roberta Williams to adopt you and now you've blown it. * The Seattle of Mexico. * San Francisco, The Everbrown State. * Roberta Williams tracking you down and adopting you against your will. * Luring Roberta Williams to your house with promises of trained chickens jumping through hula hoops.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Styger * JP * Topics: * Comestibles as fan fiction * The most unexpected CD to be launched from the face of the Cenobite from Hellraiser 3 that launches CDs out of his face. * * I got a mandolin slicer for Christmas from someone who was afraid to use it, and I am also afraid to use it. * Ghostbusters, by Ray Parker Jr. * * Bustin'. * You Could Stop at Five or Six Stores * Jeffrey Tambor Is NOT the Guy From "Ghost" * JoJo: Trick with cigarettes. * Oldest food you've eaten. ie oldest substance or object you've consumed. * * Do pigeons love nacho cheese? * Here's an alphabetical list of every move in every Mario game, from "1,000-Fold Arms – Paper Mario: The Origami King" to "Zero Laser – Super Smash Bros. Brawl." * * A. How would you fix this list? * B. Who wants to do a podcast series where we rank them all? Microtopics: * Attack the Block. * Movies where a delineated area is involved in some kind of fight. * Lord quality: trying to keep it high. * Cooking dinner as a fusion of the cuisines of the two countries that you are about to watch play a sport. * White game designers in the 70s deciding that there isn't anything spicier than paprika in this astonishing fantasy world. * Doing some home cooking and inventing a new sandwich in the style of the McDonald's fish fillet. * The $100 cheese steak. * A chef getting famous by serving incredibly high end Big Macs to rich people. * Each bottle of Tabasco tasting uniform even though they're all composed of peppers grown in many different countries. * How to explain cenobites to Thomas Jefferson. * A transporter accident aesthetic. * Not liking the music in the club so you turn the DJ into a cenobite with a CD drive for a mouth. * Supertramp's Breakfast in America. * All known AOL installer CD-ROMs originating with the cenobite who launches CDs out of his face. * A CD that was killed by Mountain Dew. * The cenobite with a CD drive for a face launching Xenogears disc 3 at you. * Xenogears disc 3 for Super Smash Bros. * Sympathy for the developers of Xenogears and in fact of any video game. * Novelty CD shapes. * CD-ROMs cut to the size of business cards with your portfolio on them. * Destroying a slot loading CD drive by putting a small or oddly shaped CD in it. * Learning to trust yourself to be around sharp knives. * Strapping a mandolin slicer to yourself like a keytar. * A great spooky house under the freeway. * A house made of neon tubing like the ghost ship at the end of Monkey Island. * Telekinesing the furniture. * Being haunted by ghosts that are clearly just a couple dudes in t-shirts. * Getting a bunch of B-list celebrities to shout "Ghostbusters" and act scared. * Getting movie footage for your music video by pointing a video camera at the movie screen. * Finding synergies between disparate elements of pop culture. * Bleh hands. * Slimer with a dozen cocktail weenies in his craw. * Reaching a compromise that will allow Ray Parker Jr. to haunt your home in peace. * The Ghostbusters hiring spectral Ray Parker Jr. to haunt folks and drum up business. * Vincent Schiavelli's filmography. * A Ghostbusters/Columbo crossover episode. * The trick where Chevy Chase eats a cigarette. * Slimer always believing that he ate the whole thing. * Food age. * Eating extremely old cough drops. * Not being able to tell if cough drops have gone bad because they always taste like that. * Asking someone with a philosophy degree whether cough drops are a food. * Accidentally taking enough philosophy classes to qualify for a degree and someone tracks you down to hand you your philosophy degree like a subpoena. * Bog cheese. * Whether anyone has successfully eaten millennia-old frozen mammoth meat or if it all turned into black goo. * Several thousand year old tomb honey. * Unboxing and eating military rations on video. * Eating hardtack from the American civil war in 2016. * Being extremely upbeat about rancid meat. * How to tell if vacuum sealed food has botulism. * Having the vocabulary to describe all the different ways food can go bad. * Trying to buy civil war hardtack on eBay and bidding on a pile of rocks. * The most pigeon-dense place you've lived. * Taking incredible risks for a single cheeto. * Whether nacho cheese is incredibly beautiful to a tetrachromat. * Nacho cheese as a nest building materials. * Global incidence of human tetrachromacy. * Space photos recolored into the visible spectrum so humans can look at them. * Pointing a spectroscope at nacho cheese to figure out what pigeons see. * The world's tiniest superpower. * How to grow up in America without having played a bunch of Mario games. * List of soups. * Sitting at your Wizard's Desk for too long and getting Wizard's Foot. * Fan wikis taking the shape of fan patience. * Begging the wiki editors to turn this list into a normalized database table. * An exhaustive list of games in which Mario can jump. * An exhaustive list of games in which Mario can't jump. * Mario visiting San Francisco. * The Golden Gate Bridge existing in the Mario multiverse. * Japan fitting perfectly in the Super Mario Bros. 3 universe, because Japan is also a magical foreign land I've never visited. * The alternate reality where Mario Odyssey depicted world tourism in a hyper-realistic fashion. * Mario & Sonic at the Olympic Games Tokyo 2020 as a fictionalized depiction of an Olympics that never happened. * ESPN broadcasting CPU vs. CPU basketball matches in NBA 2K. * Linking to a web site but not encouraging people to go there.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * John Bettonville * * Alex Diener * Topics: * Blaseball: the Musical * * * * * * Keeping the spirit of invention alive * A couple weeks ago I made turkey burgers with shredded zucchini mixed in and it was great. Today I mixed in shredded cheese too, and now I'm convinced I could mix anything in and it'd be great. * * Miko asks "do you know about As Slow As Possible or should I put it in the Topic Bucket" * As Slow as Possible as Fast as Possible: * Indeterminacy: * Existing completely outside the school system * Peter Gray on How Our Schools Thwart Passions: * Glasses: getting them for the first time as an adult vs when you were younger Microtopics: * A modern take on Lunar Lander. * Flying a rocket ship underwater. * John Mystery's true identity. * The true identity of the investigator who uncovered John Mystery's true identity. * Blaseball: the Musical: the Deaths of Sebastian Telephone. * Whether it's okay to not be the most obsessed participant in your chosen fandom. * Take Me Out to the Blall Game. * Writing, recording and editing a musical in 72 hours. * Screaming about how Jessica Telephone looked at you. * The pros and cons of being cagey about your identity. * The ten most interesting things that happened in Blaseball this week. * Newsletters: the podcast that comes into your email. * The pros and cons of reinventing the wheel. * A non-destructive audio synthesizer that integrates into your makefile. * Writing the simplest version of a program that's exactly what you need vs. learning how to use someone else's complicated program that does all the things anyone could want. * Reinventing the wheel to learn how a wheel works. * Passing variously aggregated files back and forth between R and Python scripts. * NPM as exhibit A in the argument that maybe it's a good idea to reinvent the wheel sometimes. * Relying on a thousand strangers not breaking their NPM module so that your commercial web site can keep running. * Perpetually living in fear of the enormous arcane machine you've created. * Rice Krispie Treat Burgers. * The hidden dangers of putting diced onion in your meat loaf. * Ingredients blending into a homogenous mass. * Sweet Sundae Ramen. * Homemade fudge vs hot fudge. * A food dish that looks like something tasty. * A brown sludge at the end. * Whether this noodley carb would look more appetizing if it weren't dyed blue. * Adapting a 4chan cooking thread into a Youtube channel with MST3K style silhouettes heckling the whole time. * Shipping your symphony with instructions on how to remix it. * Indeterminacy. * Observing someone across the street when cars are passing by. * As Slow as Possible As Fast as Possible. * Basing the tempo of your performance on the wavelength of the shortest note in the piece. * Not knowing what to expect but being thoroughly satisfied by what you got. * Homeschooling vs. Unschooling. * A very positive thing for you that might not be great for other people. * Wanting to be a baker when you grow up but not knowing how to proceed because you already are a baker. * Learning by doing. * The correlation between people who like the structure of school and who people learn best by reading rather than doing. * The first person in your family to not be homeschooled. * Learning to play music because there are instruments in your house. * Growing up outside the school system and encountering the Pledge of Allegiance for the first time in your thirties. * Sending your homeschooled kids to high school so all their little personality quirks get beaten out of them by their peers. * Everyone American diagnosed with PTSD actually having PTSD twice, because they also went to middle school. * Learning how to deal with other humans once you're mature enough to have a little bit of emotional intelligence. * Embarrassment of your past self as a sign of growth. * A topic asking for the perspective of someone who is not on the podcast. * Getting glasses that make objects in your left eye look farther away than in your right eye. * Radially-oriented bifocals. * Finally achieving everyone else's normal. * Putting up with blurry vision for most of your life but wearing glasses when you hike because you want to see all the pretty leaves. * Putting on someone else's glasses as a joke but things do actually look a little bit sharper but assuming it's just an illusion. * Thinking you have normal vision until someone actually measures your corneas. * Swimming at the edges of your vision because lenses work best in the middle. * Wearing glasses that flip your vision vertically and your brain eventually learning to correct for it, and then taking the glasses off and your brain is like "oh shit it's this again!" * The thing where you put a mirror under your chin and walk around and the popcorn on the ceiling looks like the surface of the moon. * Objects shrinking every time you get new glasses. * Objectively measuring your perception by sticking a tape measure into your brain. * Writing one really excellent tweet and then hiding it behind a bunch of tweets promoting the musical you were in.
78. Uvula Hadouken

78. Uvula Hadouken


Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Laura * * Brendon * * April * Topics: * If you were locked in a Home Depot overnight with 19 other people and you wouldn’t be let out until only one person survived, and also all the lights were turned off, what would you do? * What's up with teeth. They seem designed to be tedious to brush and floss and maintain. Is this really the best version of mandible? * Help me workshop this joke: Eve/eave * Chickens turn into crocodiles * * * If you make an IRL Westworld theme park, how do you prevent having two dozen people on the same quest to have a showdown duel with the bad guy. Do you just have 24 people draw their gun and shoot the bad guy at the same time? Or is this even a problem in the first place? * New skills learned during the pandemic--what skills have you learned? Was it worth it? Microtopics: * The Skin Deep Beacon. * The voice of maintenance. * Reviewing the bucket. * Confronting the darkness within yourself at Home Depot. * Murdering your competitors on a soft pile of dog beds. * A chainsaw's efficacy as a murder weapon. * Tying a chainsaw to the top of your head to foil air assassinations. * Hot dog beds. * The bow rack at Home Depot that holds three bows with four arrows each so you can fire twelve arrows at once. * Trying to opt out of the Battle Royale. * Using night vision binoculars to observe the burglar from across your bedroom. * Buying a varmint-proof AT-AT in the hunting aisle of Home Depot. * Pushing the shelves over like dominos and killing all your Home Depot Battle Royale competitors at once. * A very specific thing that happens in shonen. * Being spirited away to this Home Depot with no warning. * Not having night vision googled so you superglue these night vision binoculars to your face. * The people horrible enough to survive the Home Depot murder game. * A Chippendale dancer removing their tearaway pants revealing their pants gun and killing everyone in the room. * Hitman always introducing himself using the same pseudonym, xXx69KillerMan. * The necessity of inventing pulling teeth. * Instead of having teeth, having a single non-sectional chomper that grows continuously like a goat horn. * A human's astounding ability to only occasionally bite their own cheeks and tongue. * Instead of having to chew, your uvula throws a hadouken, incinerating the food. * Instead of chewing, simply increasing the pressure in your mouth until the food becomes a diamond. * How Neanderthals all had perfectly straight teeth like a pop star. * Humans evolving smaller heads so they could fit through the neck of a t-shirt. * The first humans in history to regularly eat refined sugars. * The advantages of rotating your jaw 90 degrees. * Finding a partner whose nose is oriented opposite yours, so instead of tilting your face to kiss, you just breathe back and forth forever. * How humans would eat soup and sandwiches if their mouth orientation changed. * Why eaves exist. * Lowering energy bills using your cat. * A very sharp quadruped. * Figuring out how to make fun of a cat. * Misspelling your cat's name as "Eave" when the census taker comes around and your property taxes go up by millions of dollars. * Four chickens covered in colored vinyl. * Chickens walking into a jello mold. * An algorithmically created video for children. * Every permutation of every animal walking through every liquid and turning into every other animal. * The fashion trajectory of the designer of Super Monkey Ball. * Walking through the fountain portal and losing one of your beards. * Coolest video I ever seen: Adult. * Spanish Cat in the Sky. * More of the same, but this time there's a cat saying it. * The black hat cowboy wearing an additional bulletproof vest for every member of your assassination party. * Making sure there's only one serial killer at a time in your theme park. * Teaming up to hug this enormous mechanical cowboy. * The MMO version of David Fincher's The Game where twenty people show up on the rooftop at once so they have to take turns accidentally shooting their brother, having an emotional breakdown, and jumping off the roof to find their personal banquet. * Going to a series of weird interactive theater events after you move to LA. * Being diverted into a room where you swing in a wicker basket hanging from the ceiling. * Paying $30 for a bunch of weird people to wave their fingers at you and draw on you with a sharpie and lock you in a freight elevator. * Employing both kinds of maze construction materials: bedsheets and garbage bags. * Sleep No More. * Wanting to get into a hobby but not being sure how to learn to love the actual process of performing the hobby. * Access to a wider variety of flavors in your life. * Making Ants on a Log with Thai peanut sauce. * Getting children to eat celery by making it unhealthy. * Getting the quick dopamine hit of the early stages of learning a hobby, then quitting. * Taking screenshots of a web site and reading the screenshots so the web site can't pop up any more ads. * Just who is responsible for the state of web media. * Scrolling past twelve life stories to figure out how to make dinner. * Writing an angry letter to a corporation and getting a response from a minimum wage employee whose entire job is doing emotional labor to assuage angry customers. * Not knowing how to advance in an adventure game and writing to the developers to tell them their game is broken. * Goading game developers into revealing their puzzle solutions rather than calling the hint line.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Tyriq * * Chris * Topics: * Revisiting Game Maker after 10 years, and getting right back into it * What's your jrpg/anime vocal quirk? * Electric showers * Weval - Someday * * UNESCO Intangible Cultural Heritage Lists * Microtopics: * A game that has been in early access for 7,000 years. * Coming back to software you last used a decade ago and finding that it has a night theme now. * Old vs. new Game Maker. * Knowing the context a word is borrowed from and assuming more meaning carried over than actually did. * Terms that programming borrowed from philosophy, like "monad" and "blockchain." * Function-shaped functions. * Seeing people misuse a tool and trying to decide whether it'd be better to teach them how to use the tool, or make a new tool that works how they expect. * That time someone tried to port Catacomb Kids to C++ before realizing that someone had been adding features to this game for ten years. * The Dark Theme era. * Jim just happening to know how many lines of code the Frog Fractions remaster is. * How many lines of code is reasonable for an action roguelike that one person has worked on for ten years. * Measuring code complexity by zipping it and looking at the file size. * Designing the rules of a game to stop people from ruining it for themselves. * How your laugh maps to your blood type. * Deciding that when a character says "..." that means that they farted, and suddenly being able to enjoy Visual Novels. * Whether Jay Gatsby saying "old sport" all the time is the same phenomenon as Moogles always saying "kupo." * Typing in a swear word when an Animal Crossing character asks you for a new catchphrase and returning the cartridge to GameStop who will sell it to a small child and it'll end up on the local news. * Incorporating goat noises into your speech in a subtle enough way that people aren't sure if you just made a goat noise. * Everybody having their own weird noise that they made repeatedly instead of just having a face. * Deciding that your signature isn't cool enough and hiring a signature designer to help you out. * Whether "signature designer" is a real job you can make a living doing. * Designing a different unique fart for every character in your JRPG so they each have a fart that fits your personality. * Why making a fart noise with your tongue is called a "raspberry." * How nobody can tell you've got a duck call under your COVID mask until it's too late. * A showerhead plugged into a wall outlet. * Heating water as it passes through the showerhead. * Reassuring onlookers that you've been showering in an electric shower for decades and you've only been shocked a few times and you just have to not touch the metal plumbing. * Wearing rubber shoes in the shower so the electric showerhead doesn't electrocute you. * How nobody posting in the thread about electric showers has died. * Electric showers waking you up even more effectively than regular showers. * Not knowing what people want from things. * Nuclear pacemakers. * The number of nuclear pacemakers still in use today. * Your nuclear pacemaker keeping your heart beating long after the rest of you has died. * The Council of the Nuclear Hearts. * Plugging your electric shower right into your nuclear heart. * Electric flamethrowers. * Lighting your cigarette with a tiny taser. * 24 seconds of zooming in on the forest canopy. * A video which is very dense with frames. * A video which is exactly the kind of video that video codecs are be bad at encoding. * Star Turns. * A web site where people can repost your content uncredited and go viral. * A guest accidentally unplugging their headphones followed by thirty seconds of "can you hear me? I can hear you." * Standing on a floor that is painted to give you vertigo. * Buildings that are cool in this video. * Getting really excited every time you see aerial photography. * Freeways. * Starting with macro shots of urban environments and transitioning to wider shots of rural environments. * Canopy shyness. * Voronoi diagrams. * Preserving aspects of human culture that don't take the form of a physical object. * Intangible cultural heritage in need of urgent safeguarding. * Intangible culture lost in the natural process of human becomingness. * Whether history is worth knowing. * A series of Duke Nukem strategy guides collected in the Library of Congress, rebound to look like a hardcover from the 1950s. * What it takes to preserve a skill that a community of people practices over the course of their lives. * Dance notation for very constrained types of dance. * Tugging rituals. * Avalanche risk management. * Notation for bee dances. * Dance notation which is just a list of where all the ping pong balls were. * How every culture agrees that Kiki is the spiky one and Bouba is the round one. * Wine horses. * A very Western centric view of how many instruments have ever existed. * How to make the number four out of only letters.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords * Maxx * * * Aaron * Topics: * The TV Show Russian Doll and emotionally correct magic logic * My favorite captchas * * AI-remastered Rick Astley * * Kegel based video games and sex UI * * Death Stranding, Tenet, and responsible creativity Microtopics: * The green fuzzy stuff, and how nice it is to touch. * Moss on all sides of a tree. * Moss directionality at various latitudes. * Having a water-borne moss ball instead of a fidget spinner. * Russian Doll. * Whether there is or ought to be another season of Russian Doll. * Restarting from the same point every time you die. * Every episode of a TV series depicting the same four years of high school except the protagonist joins a different club. * The three names of Edge of Tomorrow. * All You Need is Kill: Edge of Tomorrow: Live Die Repeat. * Naming your book like an eBay auction. * Time travel between adjacent panels of a comic. * Characters in a story trying to figure out how the author's mind works. * Successfully fusing world building with a character-driven story. * Designing a game where the game rules change based on choices players make in the story. * Celebrities in Prison. * Any given playthrough of a game being consistent with itself, but not with other playthroughs. * Playing an interactive story on the Wayback Machine, where it's no longer interactive. * Running a MUD and exposing its creative tools to your players. * Matching spiral galaxies to demonstrate your humanity. * Putting pedestrians at risk by giving bad information to CAPTCHAs. * Figuring out who your CAPTCHA buddy is so that you can give the driving AI bad information together. * A CAPTCHA asking you how many instances of the letter i are in the author's name, then after you answer revealing their middle name. * A spammer caring enough to figure out your bespoke commenting system so that they can spam it. * A CAPTCHA saying "if you are human, type the word 'human' into this box" and filtering out the spam bots because they type in "spam bot" instead. * Crook things. * A phrase both too specific and too general to be useful. * Doing divination readings by writing kanji with swinging pendulums. * Using images as the source of randomness in a roguelike's daily run. * Here was a song but now it's a building. * Questioning the validity of converting songs to buildings. * Having a lot of things and needing to create names for them. * An incredible bomble. * Deleting this entire discussion and replacing it with Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up. * Reacting to the gestalt of Rick Astley singing in front of a fence. * Upscaling a music video to 4k and then applying a CRT filter to make it look like it's on an old TV. * Content aware fill but for time instead of space. * Using content aware scale to make videos of hilarious cartoon people. * Lighting the underside of a bridge by reflecting a searchlight off of a pot of water. * A shadow of Rick Astley clapping his hands and his right hand just vanishes. * Finally noticing the bartender in the Rick Astley music video. * Doing a graceful dance nice that most people would wreck themselves trying without even conveying to onlookers that they're trying to dance. * Trying to dragon punch but missing the timing so Ryu just flails uselessly for a few seconds. * Flappy Bird with a kegels controller. * The portable urination games that you see people playing on the subway and wonder if they're winning. * Repeatedly firing a semiautomatic rifle by kegeling as rapidly as possible and then doing a backflip to reload. * Werewolf except you're interrogating everyone to figure out who has just eaten a spicy pepper. * Creative responsibility. * What's good and bad about walking in video games. * Winner vs. Loser. * Spamming the forward button to run. * Tapping the forward button at a certain rate or the protagonist trips and falls. * Just being a capsule and going to zero velocity when you hit a wall. * Filling your AAA hiking simulator with questionable exposition. * Hiking through the United States except it's actually Iceland. * Pressing a button to react to strong winds. * What happens when you try to make games that aren't shooting people. * Really thinking hard about what it means to walk. * Making a AAA walking simulator and breaking down your org chart into the left foot team, the right foot team, the left knee team, &c. * Hiking barefoot on an intensely beautiful mountain and not seeing any of it because you're looking at your footing. * Taking in the beauty of your environment. * Building a hill the size of a large building but painting it to look like a 20,000 foot mountain. * The difficulty of emulating a Windows 95 game. * How to install Windows 95 on a modern computer when modern computers don't have CD-ROM drives.
75. Just Yawn It Out, Brah

75. Just Yawn It Out, Brah


Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Ryan * * Alicia * Topics: * How many throw pillows is too many? Does it depend on number of pillows? Size of furniture? Number of family members? Softness/firmness level? * Why are yawns considered a sign of boredom? * Art packs/music disks * * * Ville asks "Chester Bolingbroke is blogging his attempt to finish every computer RPG ever in chronological order, despite this being clearly impossible. He started at The Dungeon (1975) and is currently up to Legends of Valour: Ragged Chet (1992)." * * Do you consider listening to an audio book "reading?" What about having a book read to you by someone, live? Could we interpret radio plays or listening to a film with our eyes closed "reading?" Microtopics: * Getting good enough at English to speak in Instruction Manual. * Back before the content ocean. * A whole slew of trucks that have jobs. * Your two year old wishing you good luck by leaving a cement mixer on your desk. * A lateral career move where you decide to stop releasing games. * Occult and magic in the Greco-Roman world. * Talking the kids out of going to college. * Using Greco-Roman erotic curse tablets and binding spells to examine romantic relationships of the time period. * How nobody calls love potions "curses" any more. * Variable demand for throw pillows over the course of the day. * Needing to get more dogs because your have too many throw pillows for the number of dogs you have. * A bowling pin orientation of ten to twelve pillows that you have to clear out of the way before you can sleep. * A barricade of squish. * A wheezing Darth Vader mask. * Sleeping in an ominous dark orb next to your wife in bed and she complains that your orb is too hard and it pinches when it closes. * A lacerating throw pillow. * Opening yourself up to the soft life. * A badminton racket in your closet that you haven't used in over a decade. * Edible pillows. * Yawning whenever you see the sun. * Possible origins of the myth that yawning indicates boredom. * A yawn factory to your left. * Trying to change society in the next ten minutes. * A manatee at the zoo giving you a hard time because you yawned at their enclosure. * Oxygenating before you charge an invader. * Hippos yawning in order to fuck you up. * Getting kicked out of the zoo after yawning at the chimpanzees and the admission booth putting up a photo of your gaping mouth saying "don't let these teeth in." * What you get for challenging a peacock. * Living in a bad society and being tired all the time. * Yawning it out. * Sticking a finger in your elderly dog's mouth when they yawn because they don't have enough teeth left to bite you. * What you did with a modem before the internet was a thing. * BBS operators commissioning ANSI art to differentiate their BBS from other BBSes. * Making elaborate works of art within the constraints of IBM PC text mode. * An executable that displays procedural animations on the screen and describes the features of a BBS. * What Minnesota locals think of Bruno Mars' hats. * Minnesota not having any LAN parties but you can get a deep fried floppy disk on a stick at the state fair. * How to fool 2008-YouTube into allocating extra bandwidth to your fluorescent waffle pattern. * A logo that is shimmering so hard that it is impossible to read. * Never reading a video title because you don't want to be biased going into it. * The script you would read on the side of an obelisk on an ancient asteroid. * Whether the sci-fi story you just wrote is just Mass Effect again. * Making art for your friends. * Inventing a podcast because you need an excuse to chat with friends. * Watching your wife's phone ring and asking if she's going to do something about that. * Being on a podcast where you have to do homework. * The LAN party of podcasting. * Creating a box for your podcast so you can put a quote on it. * Legends of Valour: Ragged Chet. * Creating content in order to make friends. * Whether you can play every RPG faster than they are released. * When it's okay to feed Gremlins again. * Setting out on a quest to do something esoteric that nobody has asked for. * Whether the guy in Zelda who said "tenth enemy has the bomb" made sense in Japanese. * Whether Gremlins respect the daylight savings time changeover. * Whether leaving food out on the counter that the Gremlin later eats counts as "feeding" it. * A Bubsy 3D-style Gremlins sequel. * Abandoning the topic to just talk about Gremlins for ten minutes. * Yelling to the sky in impotent rage when an inanimate object rips one of your earbuds out. * Buying a pianist an incredibly sharp kitchen knife. * Cutting your sandwiches with a machine gun. * Getting knife proof gloves for the kitchen and then just wearing them all the time because who knows when your fancy new chef's knife will strike. * Engaging with the story and creating a construct in your imagination. * Whether it's okay to "read" a book on tape. * Calling NES cartridges "tapes" because Nintendo deliberately designed them to resemble VHS tapes. * A sci-fi video game filled with Data Prisms which have identical storage capacity and security properties to Post-It notes but are way more futuristic. * Leaving a note saying "Don't forget to get paper towels at Fred Meyer" for the post-apocalyptic scavenger exploring your kitchen. * Dying together on the toilet in a heartwarming embrace. * A framed Post-It note saying "Ryan's favorite number is 63." * Digging Jim's corpse up and squeezing him like a bagpipe into his CPAP machine to unlock Frog Fractions 3. * How at Taco Bell "supreme" means sour cream and tomatoes but at Pizza Hut "supreme" means sausage and green peppers but at the combination Taco Bell and Pizza Hut it means pouring Baja Blast on your Pizzone. * Choosing your bad handle and owning it.
74. The Beef Bar

74. The Beef Bar


Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Avery might be on Spotify! * * Stevie is at @hryx on Twitter, and Topics: * In my home town of San Jose, CA there is a Statue of the serpent god Quetzalcoatl. It looks like a large piece of perfectly formed dog poop. Everyone calls it "the poop snake." Let's talk about bad public art. * Some paleontologists think that T-Rex used its tiny arms to help it get up after sleeping. I wish I had a pair of tiny arms to help me get up after sleeping. * Doom 1.0's proto-VR mode * John asks "Philosophical questions and concepts you independently discovered as a child regardless of how well-equipped you may or may not have been to explore them in depth." * Microtopics: * Putting your album on Spotify. * Demanding your barista debate you and call him a coward. * Reading about the philosopher who owns a coffee shop and debating them about ancient Roman tax codes for hours without buying anything. * Going into a coffee shop just to prove a point. * The hypothesis that the worse someone is at reading, the better they are at hearing and pronunciation. * Inventing a time machine so you can be in the San Jose town square when the sculptor uncovers the obsidian poop snake. * A statue of a ragdoll in a running pose with a realistic baby face superimposed on its stomach. * A bust of Jesus made out of marshmallow Peeps. * Trying to depict a half moon in 3D and ending up with a toenail clipping. * The Pumpkin Fucker. * A statue of a man being hit in the head with a bottle thrown by a babies flying biplanes. * The statue at the border of Berkeley and Oakland they put there to remind everybody that Berkeley is us and Oakland is them. * Being halfway through the Museum of Severed Body Parts when you decide you've had enough. * The Dunning Kruger effect turning out to be fake. * A strange way to find out that you have to stop being smug in this particular way. * A T-rex curled up like a kitten. * A T-rex sleeping hanging upside down like a bat. * Dino Riders. * Getting your wish for an extra pair of arms to help you get out of bed at night, but not being sure where to install them. * The purpose of Grimace's second set of arms. * Hiring a large unhappy looking purple guy to be your chain restaurant spokesperson. * Hearing that the t-rex used his tiny arms to get up after sleeping and stealing t-rex arms from the local Natural History museum so you can use them to get out of bed. * Deciding not move to the countryside and not heist any more after reading that paleontologists no longer think the t-rex uses its arms to get up from sleeping. * The movie ending when the protagonists decide to cancel the movie's production. * A topic you didn't write down. * A reference to the lord because he's the lord. * The Keck Cave. * Some people paying thousands of dollars for a VR setup when these lab mice get it for free. * Going to a mall in the early 90s and putting on a terrible VR headset that's guaranteed to make you throw up or your money back. * The two independent promises of early 90s VR, one of which came to fruition decades ago. * Connecting three monitors over an ipecac network. * Accidentally saturating the network with packets so that nobody else can use it. * A networked video game interpreting any incoming packets as a new game state regardless of their provenance. * VR coming to prominence in the 90s after the Garbage Pail Kids made puking mainstream. * The R-Zone. * A VR setup that only shows images to one eye. * The R-Zone chip tune rendition of the Daytona USA theme. * Writing a program to convert MIDI music into a monophonic square wave and just accepting its output as the best possible result. * Asking your parents for Marble Madness and they buy you the Tiger Electronics version of Marble Madness. * A d-pad dressed up to look like a trackball, to fool your mom. * Well-designed games that fit within the constraints of the medium. * A Game and Watch game revealing its final boss by unlocking the hinge that lets you fold the LCD screen together like a Mad Fold-In. * Barcode Battler. * A slot to swipe cards. * Trying to find the best barcode to swipe to create the swolest Barcode Battler. * Doctoring barcodes with a sharpie by making the Beef Bar thicker. * Learning to read barcodes by sight. * Bleeping out a story with the R-Zone Daytona USA theme if it turns out you've already heard the story before. * Convincing a barista to sign up for your Bitcoin wallet software so you can pay for your coffee in Bitcoin. * Putting up QR codes of your coffee shop's menu all around the city so curious people can scan your QR code and be like "oh, luckily I was looking for a coffee shop, I wonder if this one is nearby." * Tattooing a QR code of your coffee menu on your arm. * Inventing the philosophical concept of the toothbrush and thinking "nah, that'd never work." * Staring at the bathroom tiles while you invent the Pythagorean Theorem. * Independently inventing the philosophical concept of Alf. * Alf's real name in the Alf lore. * Seeing Alf mourn the destruction of his home planet and realizing that one day everyone you know will die. * A real rip-the-bandaid-off approach to introducing the concept of mortality. * Alf Clausen, the composer of the ALF theme song.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Max * * * Ryan * Topics: * What do you think is behind the human fascination with miniature things? * What are things people assume about you, based on your profession, look, or general vibe, that are always untrue? * How to fix speed runs * * Yuri asks "Games you love, but really wish you did not. Maybe even games you really don't like much, but keep playing anyway, like a terrible reality tv show you can't look away from." * Does anyone actually like Frame Interpolation? Am I the only one who always turns it off? * There seems to be a zoological consensus that hippos share a unique, communal, organized hatred of humankind for reasons that cannot be explained through typical animal behavioral reasoning. * A restaurant where all the glasses are the same size but if you order a large it gets poured out of a 55 gallon drum and if you order a small it gets filled with an eye dropper. * Microtopics: * Running a novelty Twitter account about Nonstandard McDonalds. * Grabbing every flashlight on your house to light your live TV news appearance. * Running a novelty Twitter account about the mundane business details of running a Long John Silver's. * White Castle except even stinkier somehow. * Making tiny novelty hamburgers out of gelatin and cornstarch. * Miniature things which are their normal size but are smaller than you. * Sneaking a secret, more interesting topic in after your overt one. * Elixirs in a JRPG having expiration dates so you don't end the game with 80 of them, never having used a single one. * Holding a Lego minifig in your hands and thinking "I could pop your head off any time I feel like it." * Converting inches of height to thousands of dollars per year in salary, and how that works differently for men and women. * Taking a knife edge turn into the patriarchy. * Knowing you could mash the person you're talking to like a paper bird, but reassuring them that of course you would never do that. * Mixing powders into paste and then pressing the paste into a mold. * Going down the rabbit hole on slurry-based miniature food construction. * The sad sashimi special you get at a shitty bar after work. * New shapes of ennui that you've never known as a human being. * Biting the brick of instant ramen and then washing it down with a bite of the brick of Golden Curry. * Wanting to produce high quality audio but not really caring much about the quality of audio you listen to. * Mostly playing video games on consoles that are at least ten years old. * Tech workers wanting the least internet-connected kitchen appliances available. * Growing up with hair that makes you look like you do a lot of drugs. * Getting tossed into camp dirtbag. * Trading McDonald's jokes with your novelty McDonald's account followers. * Thinking about long hamburgers every day. * A tablet you would etch your name into in ancient Egypt, on a hoagie bun. * Getting a hoagie delivered from a pizza place like some kind of maniac. * Resetting a game until you get a favorable result. * Oops All Marathon Strats. * Why Speedrun? * Speedrunning as a way to share a game you love with the audience. * The Timic Skip. * The changes Jim made to Frog Fractions: Game of the Decade Edition to make speedrunning it more fun. * Designing your game to be interesting to reverse engineer. * Tetris: The Grand Master. * Cranking the skill ceiling on every aspect of Tetris to the absolute maximum. * Stretching the rules of Tetris so much that the Tetris Company says "this has gone too far" and revokes your Tetris license. * Designing a game with the assumption of fervent frame by frame analysis by the player base. * Returning again and again to a game that doesn't respect your time. * * Gran Turismo Meets Garry's Mod. * The most satisfying car crash simulator. * Sitting in a sandbox and smashing Micro Machines together. * A soft-body physics engine that is supposed to be for gearhead nerds but that you use to crash cars into each other and giggle. * The cynicism setting in long before the dopamine cycle wears off. * Deliberately avoiding gacha games because you might start paying for spins. * Discreetly turning motion smoothing off on your parents' TV. * Screening your roommates for whether or not they like motion smoothing. * Looking at a 4k TV and not really noticing a difference. * The hypothetical audience for motion smoothing. * Whether Best Buy is your Best Bud. * Stretching a 4:3 image to cover your 16:9 TV. * The consumer paying for the chocolate company advertising on the chocolate bar. * Negotiating with the car dealership by threatening to remove the license plate frame with the dealership's name on it from your car. * The raw power of a hippopotamus. * The hippo as a reification of mother earth's desire to cleanse the earth of humanity. * Hippo Accelerationism. * Importing hippos into every continent so they can kill even more people even faster. * The fried banana stand at the San Diego Zoo. * Why toucans don't swarm and devour humans. * An abominably fat crow forging relationships left and right. * Liking someone so much that you leave a big chunk of drywall on their doorstep. * A forklift robot that can pour a beverage directly out of a 55 gallon drum. * A chemical you can pour on any part of the pizza to form a crust there. * A pizza fractal and it never stops, baby. * Walking into a Sizzler and asking for the fruit lasagna. * The buffet boom of the 80s. * Sizzler representing choice in a country about freedom of choice. * A four minute indoctrination video shown to new Sizzler employees. * The thickest glasses known to man.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Ben * * Michelle * * Topics: * Dora the Explorer and the City of Gold was a delightful surprise * We're about to land another rover on Mars and that is super way cool * Michelle: "Just clarifying that most discarded rocket stages don't end up in low-Earth orbit forever, they're designed to deorbit and burn up on atmospheric reentry. Sometimes things just go a bit awry." * Scratch-off Donkey Kong * * Ville asks "Tangential to dishwasher salmon, there are multiple coffee maker cookbooks, including a Finnish one that includes recipes like lamb and carrots in balsamic dressing, and wild mushroom risotto." * Do you want to ask me stuff about exoplanets * * Microtopics: * Growing your own mushrooms. * Aliens growing out of your mycelium. * Growing your own toxic mushrooms from murder mushroom kits. * The incredible mushroom picking season that COVID facilitated. * One of those styrofoam boxes from the fruit shop. * When a teenager says "ok boomer" to you and you're like "dude I'm thirty." * Signing up for the free trial of Amazon Prime so you can watch the live action Dora the Explorer movie. * Looking at the camera and asking the viewer "Can you say 'deadly neurotoxin?'" * Accidentally getting boxed in a crate and sent to the jungle. * A CG animated fox voiced by Benicio del Toro. * The nerd character getting beaten up in the background as the protagonist walks away. * Singing the poo song and burying your poo with the poo shovel while everybody else is fleeing from the hail of arrows. * Why Diego exists. (Because American audiences couldn't handle boys watching a show about a girl.) * How to stop Swyper from swiping. * ABC, the Australian analog of the BBC. * Percy the Perseverance Robot. * Whether it would be more exciting for the Mars Rover to land safely or explode in a fireball. * How to transfer between two different orbits. * Making a beeline for Mars. * Attaching a broom to Perseverance to sweep the dust off of Opportunity's solar panels. * Returning a soil sample from Mars. * Returning a rock sample from an asteroid. * Not being able to tell the difference between water and just a different colored dirt. * Signs of ancient microbes. * Choosing which way you want Mario to go and then scratching off a silver oval to see what happens. * Choosable Path Adventures. * ChooseCo is preparing to sue you right now. * Writing the novelization of Super Mario Bros. when all you have for reference is the instruction manual. * Fighting Fantasy and Lone Wolf. * A story from Jim's youth. * A little cardboard door that you open to see if you won a prize. * How children were so starved for entertainment in the 80s that scratch off Donkey Kong seemed cool. * Shrinking down a full size comic to fit in a cereal box so you need to read it with a microscope. * Magazines that are printed with that red/blue 3D effect that doesn't quite work. * A sponge pen with reactive ink in it that you brush against the seemingly blank page to reveal clues. * How the "Yes & Know" invisible ink puzzle books have a completely different atrocious pun for a title in Australia, "Mr. Mystery." * Knowing your parents really like you if you get a Scrooge McDuck comic. * How to find a drip coffee maker in Australia. * Going to a McDonald's in the 1980s to try out your novelty lamb and carrots in the drip coffee maker recipe, because there's nowhere else to find a drip coffee maker in Australia. * Someone giving you a drip coffee machine as a gift and you're like "what the hell am I gonna do with this" and then you remember that wild mushroom risotto coffee machine recipe. * Comparing your "no and" current guest to the guest who tried microwaving Coca Cola during the episode. * An American lady on TikTok showing you all the wrong ways to make common British food. * The best exoplanet. * Eyeball planets. * Tidally locked planets possibly being habitable at The Terminator. * Using our scientific expertise to turn the moon into an eyeball. * Detecting exoplanets via periodic dimming of stars. * A weird little ice world. * An exoplanet named "Steve" that has wronged you in some way. * Exoplanet naming conventions. * Tasking Reddit with naming all 4,300 known exoplanets. * Hundreds of hypothetical dwarf planets in the Kuiper Belt. * Taking a two year break from Twitter and feeling much better. * Rescuing greyhounds.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Elena * Quil Topics: * Some people put on music and then just talk over it instead of singing along?? Why * Being the only person in a movie theater/concert * A Spirograph but for your butt * Daniel asks "Legacy board games such as Pandemic Legacy or Gloomhaven." * Weird sleeping apparatuses * "House Special Live Frog in Hot Stone Pot" on the delivery menu Microtopics: * A girl who is raised as a boy in pre-revolutionary France and becomes Marie Antoinette's guard. * Turn of the millennium club music. * Finding out that Itsy Bitsy Spider has been about perseverance all this time. * Having to restrain yourself from singing along when you're at the opera. * Trying to eat dinner but you can't eat because you need to sing along to your sea shanty playlist. * Trying to eat bites of dinner during the verses because you keep having to sing along to the choruses. * Properties of sea shanties. * Having a different song for every task. * Everybody performing music before recorded music was a thing, because that was how you had music in your life. * The horrible historical handwriting that historians never show you. * Celebrating the new decade with Cats (2019) and when you walk out of the theater you're the only person in the building. * Seeing Pitch Perfect 3 at 10pm on Christmas Eve and probably ruining a bunch of theater employees plans to have a party in that empty theater. * When you're the only person in the theater, asking the projectionist to pause the movie while you go to the bathroom. * Being the last person seeing an awful live band because everyone else walked out, and realizing that if you too walk out, they'll be playing to an empty room. * A drummer and a guitarist who are both playing too loud to hear each other. * The only live performance you've ever walked out on. * Pooping in a spiral. * Nature's sharpie. * The origin of topics. * A disc that you sit on. * A combination nausea inducer and butt spirograph. * Cake icing videos. * Asking your son what his life is a commentary on. * A shark embedded in a formaldehyde solution. * Work that aggressively annoys the art community. * Ironic cocaine. * Sneaking into the museum to hang up your own work. * Taking photos of a painting and then destroying the original and then taking photos of the photos and destroying the original artist. * Modifying the rules as you play the game. * Opening up more and more of your board game every time you play, like an Advent calendar. * A board game that you learn like a video game. * Memorizing a dozen page book before you can start playing a game. * Copyrighting the concept of a legacy. * Proposing to your wife by intentionally losing a board game over and over again. * The thing you were working towards screwing you over and now you have to undo it. * Trying to think of a board game you've played more than a few times. * Really looking forward to a board game and finally getting it and deciding to just watch your friends play. * Whether it's apparati or apparatodes. * The doublet of apparat. * Wanting to be hyper correct in everything you do. * Buying a tent to go over your bed because your blackout curtains aren't cutting it. * Buying a bunch of weird pillows to compensate for the position your arms automatically get into when you sleep. * How CPAP machines all have a SIM card and phone home with your sleep behavior and there's no way to turn it off. * Nasal pillows. * Sleeping with a weird contraption blowing air into your face constantly. * Discovering that it is much easier to fall asleep when you are very tired at the end of the day. * Ranking your morningness and eveningness. * Sleeping in a hammock. * Making a nest of pillows around you. * Putting on your velcro pajamas and jumping onto the velcro wall to fall asleep. * Your velcro bed waking you up with a loud ripping sound every time you switch positions. * Time-release velcro. * Ice velcro. * Making a salt igloo at the salt flats. * A weighted blanket that is so heavy you can't get up until a crane rescues you. * Sleeping under a chainmail sheet. * A quilt made out of beanbags. * The first thing you searched for when you got on the internet. * Youtube videos about your idealized farm life. * Ordering a pet frog from your Szechuan delivery menu. * Getting Hot Pot delivered and the Pot arrives cold. * Ordering Chicken 65 because there are no other numbered items on the menu. * Not wanting to eat animals whole because there's poop in there. * Frog Fractions 65. * If Chicken 6 was so good, why isn't there a Chicken 6 5? * A Kidz Bop version of Ocean's 11.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * James is on Twitter: * Jesse is on Twitter. Topics: * One of the last "most wanted" Nazi war criminals lives in my town. * * What's Michael?, the other cartoon fat cat * * There are several What's Michael anime series, one of them has a particularly amazing music video: * The opening of the Heathcliff Cartoon uses one of the numerous Shuki Levy 80's cartoon themes. It rhymes "jubilee" with "superiority"! * He’s Wearing The Gravy Helmet, Again : The Greatest Single Panel in Modern American Comics: * * * * In the patent for Tapper, the developers admit that it's just Space Invaders turned on its side * * "Upon an advancing patron such as the cowboy 54e in FIG. 2 receiving a filled mug 58b, the receiving patron will be moved or repelled back toward the door end of the bar a predetermined incremental distance. If the patron is moved to the boundary at the door image 52, the patron goes off screen for a predetermined time interval and then reenters the same bar at the door 52. However, if the repelled thirsty patron remains on screen, the patron will then be shown in a drinking pose 54f as in FIG. 3. When the patron, after a predetermined delay, finishes drinking the beverage, the empty mug 58c, is slid back toward the supply or keg end of the bar." * * Ice Cold Beer has an official digitization in "Zeke's Peak" * * * Shogun Assassin (1980) * Brad asks "Hummingbirds have to consume twice their body weight in a day to survive. If you had to do this, what would your strategy be?" * Realizing pop cans are 355 mL because that's 12 US fluid ounces. * The ounce is a unit of mass and the dry ounce of volume, but the pint and the dry pint are both units of volume. * * Soda vs Pop vs. Coke: Who Says What, And Where? * Plastic Recycling is an Actual Scam * How China Broke the World's Recycling * Is macaroni and cheese known outside of America? Or, if you were opening a restaurant in a foreign country, what cuisine would it be? * How Thai food took over America * What Color Is a Tennis Ball? * * Wikipedia lists these other related dishes: * * * * Microtopics: * An oddly temperate day in the park in the middle of January. * Not necessarily recognizing the war criminal who lives in your town. * Checking the box that says "I did not do the Holocaust" on the immigration form. * How it takes 50 years to deport a Nazi from Canada. * Berlin, Canada. * Getting a steak and a beer with the 110 year old who works with you at the grocery store. * Where you go if you're really young and you want to become a war criminal. * A thing that is strange but also very ordinary. * Explaining Garfield. * Heathcliff, the other other fat orange cartoon cat. * Explaining cow tools. * Tools that don't really look like anything but it's the best a cow can do. * What it means when Heathcliff wears the gravy helmet. * When an ancient comic strip gets funny again because the original artist finally retired and got replaced by a Tumblr user. * Stealing all the fish from the fish counter and the vendor can't do anything about it because you're wearing a helmet that says "fish." * Scrolling a web page and discovering how many helmets Heathcliff has. * Managing the flow of mugs in this Space Invaders clone. * The best electromechanical bar game that triggers your trypophobia. * A story-heavy RPG adaptation of an electromechanical bar game. * Playing a story heavy game and wishing the story and the game parts were separable. * How magical girl shows and JRPGs both presentationally separate story from combat. * Taking the fight scenes from a robot combat show and writing new scenes where the robots are going to high school. * Learning to fly in place. * Becoming a hummingbird and learning to do what hummingbirds do. * Consuming the densest possible foods such as lead. * Assuming that iron is the densest element because it's at the Earth's core and must have sunk there. * Searching for densest foods and Google gives you the most nutrient dense foods, which is definitively not what you asked for. * Arctic explorers bringing sleds full of frozen butter to eat. * Eating your weight in salt every day. * Whether 1 milliliter of water weighs exactly one gram everywhere, or just in that locked vault in Paris. * The Canadian hotline you can call to report bars that serve you an American pint of beer. * The metric pint. * Ounces per ounce. * Writing to Stephen Wolfram to complain about the dry ounce. * That double gotcha bar trivia question about whether an ounce of feathers is lighter than an ounce of gold. * Europeans getting confused when Americans talk about calories when they mean kilocalories. * Using more significant digits than the speaker intended when doing unit conversion. * Whether someone saying "a thousand" to mean "a lot" is one significant digit or zero. * Whether in the Bible "forty" is used colloquially to mean "a lot." * Taking a dialect quiz that tries to guess where you're from but it doesn't know about Canada so it guesses you're from the American Midwest. * Whether recycling is still a thing or in fact ever was. * Keeping people employed at a factory sorting plastic for no particular reason. * Pasta and cheese being popular all over the world. * How Canadians have Kraft macaroni and cheese for dinner all the time. * The biscuit you eat! * How Pad Thai is a psyop. * Putting fish in a bucket and waiting until it becomes fish sauce. * Fear of discovering the fish flavor in fish sauce and ruining Thai food forever. * Putting fish sauce on pizza yourself because Domino's doesn't offer it as a topping. * Opening a Taco Bell in Mexico. * Asking not for whom the Baja Blasts. * A can of cream of mushroom soup inside of a Shepherd's Pie. * Another salty MSG flavored brown liquid.
69. Wave-Cat Duality

69. Wave-Cat Duality


Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Hallie * * Jenni * * Riff and Jenni play Policenauts. Topics: * Tarot readings using meme templates * In the musical Cats, jellicle cats ascend to the Heaviside Layer & come back reborn, therefore cats are radio waves, discuss * * Original twitter thread about platonic cats: * Why the Music In Cats Is Worse Than You Thought * Disney attending your funeral * * John asks "Country Time Lemonade lent their brand name to the best lemon candy I ever had which I discovered right about the time it was discontinued" * Why are you not supposed to let a moose lick your car, is it because their tongues will get stuck, how do you stop them * Jokes as motivation to learn * Unkomario and kintamario * * * 18-Volt squatting on a coin: Microtopics: * Whether this is going to be a fun episode or if it's going to crash and burn after two minutes. * Trying to eat a watermelon in December and nature punishing you for your hubris. * A tarot deck of memes. * Describing memes in an audio medium. * Arby's. * Getting ASMR live on the podcast. * The Deck of Old Memes. * Where the horsey sauce comes out. * Your Arby's cups with a radioactive ghost. * The Loss Spread. * Literary analysis of a work of art, except it's a roguelike. * Jellicle cats. * Making noises even if you have nothing to say. * Loving Cats unironically except for the fatphobic one. * Advertisements for the stage musical Cats making it seem like Les Miserables, a show you go to to cry for three hours. * Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat. * Fantasizing that the hipster guy at the moustache wax store is your boyfriend. * Platonic forms that have been banished to earth and must prove themselves sufficiently perfect to return to the realm of ideas. * Whether pollicle is a back formation from jellicle. * Never having met a pollicle dog, nor watched a fever dream of a movie where they sing to you. * The good content that you can't keep it together through. * Reinforcing Goofy's head so that it doesn't fall into the casket when he kisses the body. * Burying you with a solar powered mp3 player so that you can hear "It's A Small World" on loop for eternity. * Hiring someone to be you from the past so they can have it out with Goofy dressed as the Ghost of Christmas Future at your funeral. * Planning the Best Funeral Ever. * Whether Disney is willing to DMCA takedown your novelty Disney funeral. * Our Cyberpunk Future being cool as heck and also unimaginably awful, like Lovecraft. * Our Cool Cyberpunk Future, where there are cool things and terrible things, and the rich people have the cool things, and you can try to steal them from them. * To what degree we got our Dystopian Cyberpunk Future because Jeff Bezos loved Neuromancer and wanted to make it happen for real. * Hiring Hiro Protagonist from Snow Crash to come to your funeral and kiss you on the lips, and getting a Meme Virus that persists through your death. * Hiring Tron Guy to come to your funeral and kiss you on the list. * Refusing to let Tron Guy see Tron Legacy at your movie theater because Ernest Cline would just buy the theater immediately. * Pickle brine that tastes a lot like peppery lemonade. * The hierarchy of sour candies. * Sour candy marketing in the 90s proclaiming that "your mom hates these!" * The difference between macaroons and macarons, and whether it exists. * The difference between pies and tarts, and whether it exists. * Graham cracker crust quiche. * The same podcast episode but you keep editing new guest commentary in so that gets longer and longer. * Not letting a moose lick your car, because their tongue might get stuck. * Driving away after the moose's tongue gets stuck to your bumper and the moose flies behind you like a kite. * Driving in bemoosed roads. * Driving away when a moose tries to lick your car. * Moose seeing a car and thinking "oh good a source of salt." * The hippos of the West. * Telling your child that every animal is imaginary so they can have the magical moment of discovering the truth over and over again. * Frightening a bear away by putting moose antlers on it and showing it a mirror. * Inventing and testing sour honey live on this podcast. * The patron saint of standing on your head. * A sour honey update: it's fine. * The new sour salty honey candy, "Are They Gonna Give Me That Sour Salty Honey?" * People and learning and why they do it. * The thing about jokes. * Putting a bunch of bad programming means on the classroom wall because students will want to understand the joke. * Learning a little about many things and becoming a generalist. * The only STEM person in this anatomy and physiology class making jokes about how the kidneys are a linked list. * A meme in the sense of making your calculator say "BOOBIES" * An extremely elaborate process for making it kinda look like Mario is pooping. * Duolingo finally paying off when you can discern which Mario is pooping and which Mario has testicles. * An official Nintendo product acknowledging the schoolyard meme where it looks like Mario is pooping. * Inventing new things to do with video games. * The Green Demon. * The essence of swag. * Memes with good cinematography. * Inventing rules to apply to yourself to make video games harder. * Beating Pokemon with all Woopers. * A problematic Kojima game?! * Opting out of having an adult name.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Mara plugs Libby. * * Derek plugs LibriVox. * * Topics: * Should we spare our children from our own game nostalgia? * Working libraries of famous people getting acquired by institutions * Winston's latest thing is that before peeing in the potty he'll find a hairball on the floor and put it in the potty so he can pee on it * John asks "In watching my 3 year old develop her own sense of comedy I have realized that comedy might actually be a kind of innate human reaction to interesting incongruity. She likes toilet humor quite a lot despite my partner and I never liking those kinds of jokes. However, I think she likes it because it's very easy for her to understand something like singing 'Happy Birthday to Poop!' whereas other subtler kinds of humor are out of her reach right now." * Toddlers who secretly compete in pro-gaming tournaments Microtopics: * Libby. * A really good way to use your public library without leaving your house. * Getting one of those hollowed out books from a Poirot novel where the vial of poison goes except you put your phone in there so people think you're reading books rather than looking at your phone. * Librivox. * Listening to some randos reading public domain books. * Square jawed scientists taking on the world and neither the government nor their frail wives can hold them back. * Trying to show your four year old Wind Waker and he's annoyed that it's not the Wind Waker remaster for Wii U. * Subtly guiding your child away from games that prey on gambling addiction. * Planning a closed environment where you can introduce the history of video games to your child in chronological order, and then realizing that that's how we got modern gamers. * How to revisit your nostalgia when it's locked inside early Macintosh educational games with bad emulation support. * Wandering isolated in a sad soundscape. * Whether World of Warcraft caused your depression or whether losing your job (because of World of Warcraft) caused your depression. * Eve Online. * Going into nullsec where there is no sec. * Forgetting about Eve Online for ten years and coming back to find that your avatar has been practicing whittling cedar this entire time and is now a grandmaster cedar whittler. * Going to turning left school for five years. * Collecting all the books in a famous author's working library so scholars can catalogue all the Cheeto fingerprints. * Studying the working library of the greatest American novelist of all time and it's just autographed copies of all the Twilight novels and the board game "Wits and Wagers." * Filling your working library with books to impress the scholars studying your life in a hundred years. * Giving your source code to the Video Game History Foundation for safe keeping. * The difficulty of preserving the history of online video games. * Whether an economy based on trading nudes can sustain your video game preservation endowment. * That time of year when Wikipedia is begging for the nudes again. * Toilet Mimics * Whether you have to pee on Cheerios or whether any cereal will do. * A man's irrepressible need to piss on a fly. * Monetizing urination. * The alternate reality where all video games are controlled by a stream of urine, and some fringe developers are making games you control with your hands, and people are like "Is that even a game? You don't even piss on it!" * Being cornered at a party by an inventor describing his idea for a toilet seat that vibrates at the brown note. * The brown note as a consent issue. * All-singing, all-dancing, all-peeing. * Calling your mom on the toilet phone so she can whistle at the frequency that makes you pee. * Two-factor authentication for pooping. * When you can't poop because your smart toilet can't connect to the wifi. * Toilet uptime. * Every child independently inventing the "happy birthday to poop" song. * Singing "happy birthday to poop" when the poop has no way to blow out the candles. * The fecal stage of the Freudian theory of child development. * The calculus of why we don't find the same joke funny again. * A gingerbread house that is an architect's nightmare. * Adults and children making jokes past each other. * Pete of the Chickens. * Four year olds who are incredibly good at Rocket League. * Swearing that you are only four years old so Epic doesn't kick you out of the Rocket League League. * How physics-driven video games are the perfect constrained environment for a child to excel in. * Whether your Rocket League skills translate to any other aspect of your life. * A four year old gamer complaining about noobs. * Saying "don't forget to like comment and subscribe" instead of "goodbye." * Being leery of playing video games because every time you touch a controller the truck video stops. * Texting your grandmother a thousand emojis. * An app that lets your four year old pretend to text his grandma a thousand emojis. * Your true self on the Fediverse. * The realest person on Mastodon.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Tim * * Nathan * * Topics: * Are there any negatives to having an easy mode that takes the player through the entire game? Should the "best ending" be locked somehow in easy mode? * Why are we drawn to art that updisturbs, depresses, or scares? (And yes, "catharsis" is a weak answer!) * How Super Mario 35 (and maybe battle royales in general) solved the worst unsolvable problem of multiplayer * John asks: "Licensing issues and content guidelines have led to a homogenized aesthetic on YouTube that leads to all produced-in-bulk videos for children having the same sound effects and music." * What's different (better or worse) about playing games with kids? Do you play games with your kids? * What sports would be more interesting with low/0 gravity? Or with higher gravity? * Tim's vegan commune cooking disaster stories Microtopics: * Shoot 1-Up. * Controlling all your spaceships at the same time. * The big thing about Galaga. * The forever scrolling timeline of new content that you're fed all the time. * The funniest Boris Vallejo painting. * Being bummed to find out that Boris Vallejo was looking at people and painting them rather than just imagining them. * Name-dropping Tom of Finland. * Staring at pink blobs all the time. * Making sure you're not wearing your good socks because they're about to be blown off. * Looping the game twice with no deaths and no bombs. * Jamestown. * Being forced to do something unpleasant to feel a sense of satisfaction when you are given what you want. * Not supporting an easy mode as well as you should have because you assumed those people could just play co-op. * Bringing in a playtester who has never used a mouse before. * Not valuing your own fake accomplishments as much because other people accomplished the same fake accomplishments more easily. * Save the Date, by Chris Cornell. * Having to wake up to play Super Hard mode. * The necessity of hand-tuning all the enemy AI in shoot em up difficulty levels. * Psychoanalyzing the entire human race at once. * People turning to media to experience strong emotions. * Whether it's easier to elicit good or bad emotions in the viewer. * The safety of seeing a horrible thing that will definitely never happen to you. * Being unusually upset by the Boston Marathon bombing because you recently ran a marathon. * Knowing that an album is going to fuck you up because it is too proximate, and choosing not to listen. * A scary movie taking months to purge from your brain. * The relief of when the demons show up. * People lining up at a party to play That Dragon Cancer. * How movies basically never hurt children. * Wanting to know what's in the box but also knowing that what's in the box will ruin your life for months. * How you lose half the time in multiplayer games. * Super Mario 35. * The various ways video games can make you feel like you're winning harder. * Taking turns feeling good at video games. * We Didn't Playtest This At All * Everybody choosing a number and everybody who chose 5 being the winner. * Trying to win at Scrabble based on style points. * Coming up with as many secondary win conditions as possible so that everybody can win even if they lost. * Choosing a safeword to indicate that it's time to switch topics. * Making all your own opulently animated scenes. * Playing games as a way to develop social relationships. * Empowering your son to express himself even though he's making a shitty Pokemon deck. * Finding non-combat activities to do with the Pokemon that are not very good at combat. * Buying SNES Classic to play games with your son and then realizing that there are more worthwhile games to play than those that merely entertain. * Games which give you value that you can take out into the world. * Wanting to show your kid the good stuff so that they can have a better life than you did. * Learning music theory by listening to Justin Bieber. * Worrying that you'll pollute your kid's natural interests with your taste in video games. * A very nice video game world for other people to explore. * Staring at people and saying "papaya" until they're like "why do you keep saying papaya" * Skateboarding in low gravity. * Full contact basketball with trampolines. * Immersion Blender Night. * Immersion blended salad. * Immersion blended vegan lasagna. * Learning the hard way that flambe does not burn off that much of the alcohol. * A gargantuan stock pot of chocolatey oatmeal that is far too salty for human consumption. * Improvising around your cooking mistakes. * Promising to talk about Paddington 2 next episode. * Going to the Giant Squid web page and checking out Tim's bio. * Barf-sealed copies of Pig Eat Ball.
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