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Author: Jim Stormdancer

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Topic Lords, the only place on the Internet where you can hear topics discussed!
70 Episodes
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Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * James is on Twitter: https://twitter.com/Triplefox * Jesse is on Twitter. Topics: * One of the last "most wanted" Nazi war criminals lives in my town. * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HelmutOberlander * What's Michael?, the other cartoon fat cat * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/What%27sMichael%3F * There are several What's Michael anime series, one of them has a particularly amazing music video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZWZLz1LQRnY&t=116s * The opening of the Heathcliff Cartoon uses one of the numerous Shuki Levy 80's cartoon themes. It rhymes "jubilee" with "superiority"! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9LLb8EBU9nQ * He’s Wearing The Gravy Helmet, Again : The Greatest Single Panel in Modern American Comics: https://medium.com/@videocrime/hes-wearing-the-gravy-helmet-again-the-greatest-single-panel-in-modern-american-comics-10c269ca4102 * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Listoffictionalcatsincomics * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Listoffictionalcatsinanimation * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/CowTools * In the patent for Tapper, the developers admit that it's just Space Invaders turned on its side * https://www.kmjn.org/notes/tappervideogamepatent.html * "Upon an advancing patron such as the cowboy 54e in FIG. 2 receiving a filled mug 58b, the receiving patron will be moved or repelled back toward the door end of the bar a predetermined incremental distance. If the patron is moved to the boundary at the door image 52, the patron goes off screen for a predetermined time interval and then reenters the same bar at the door 52. However, if the repelled thirsty patron remains on screen, the patron will then be shown in a drinking pose 54f as in FIG. 3. When the patron, after a predetermined delay, finishes drinking the beverage, the empty mug 58c, is slid back toward the supply or keg end of the bar." * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/IceColdBeer * Ice Cold Beer has an official digitization in "Zeke's Peak" https://store.steampowered.com/app/1093800/ZekesPeak/ * https://store.steampowered.com/app/457890/TumbleSeed/ * http://isoraqathedh.github.io/Orsaibts/anticharacterism.html * Shogun Assassin (1980) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081506/ * Brad asks "Hummingbirds have to consume twice their body weight in a day to survive. If you had to do this, what would your strategy be?" * Realizing pop cans are 355 mL because that's 12 US fluid ounces. * The ounce is a unit of mass and the dry ounce of volume, but the pint and the dry pint are both units of volume. * https://www.ic.gc.ca/eic/site/mc-mc.nsf/eng/hlm00007.html * Soda vs Pop vs. Coke: Who Says What, And Where? https://www.huffpost.com/entry/soda-vs-popn2103764 * Plastic Recycling is an Actual Scam https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJnJ8mK3Q3g * How China Broke the World's Recycling https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KXRtNwUju5g * Is macaroni and cheese known outside of America? Or, if you were opening a restaurant in a foreign country, what cuisine would it be? * How Thai food took over America https://www.splendidtable.org/story/2019/01/10/how-thai-food-took-over-america * What Color Is a Tennis Ball? https://www.theatlantic.com/science/archive/2018/02/what-color-tennis-ball-green-yellow/523521/ * https://www.pizzapizza.ca/catalog/config/dipping-sauce-product1919/store/1/delivery * Wikipedia lists these other related dishes: * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carbonara * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chilimac * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Filipinospaghetti * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%A4sesp%C3%A4tzle Microtopics: * An oddly temperate day in the park in the middle of January. * Not necessarily recognizing the war criminal who lives in your town. * Checking the box that says "I did not do the Holocaust" on the immigration form. * How it takes 50 years to deport a Nazi from Canada. * Berlin, Canada. * Getting a steak and a beer with the 110 year old who works with you at the grocery store. * Where you go if you're really young and you want to become a war criminal. * A thing that is strange but also very ordinary. * Explaining Garfield. * Heathcliff, the other other fat orange cartoon cat. * Explaining cow tools. * Tools that don't really look like anything but it's the best a cow can do. * What it means when Heathcliff wears the gravy helmet. * When an ancient comic strip gets funny again because the original artist finally retired and got replaced by a Tumblr user. * Stealing all the fish from the fish counter and the vendor can't do anything about it because you're wearing a helmet that says "fish." * Scrolling a web page and discovering how many helmets Heathcliff has. * Managing the flow of mugs in this Space Invaders clone. * The best electromechanical bar game that triggers your trypophobia. * A story-heavy RPG adaptation of an electromechanical bar game. * Playing a story heavy game and wishing the story and the game parts were separable. * How magical girl shows and JRPGs both presentationally separate story from combat. * Taking the fight scenes from a robot combat show and writing new scenes where the robots are going to high school. * Learning to fly in place. * Becoming a hummingbird and learning to do what hummingbirds do. * Consuming the densest possible foods such as lead. * Assuming that iron is the densest element because it's at the Earth's core and must have sunk there. * Searching for densest foods and Google gives you the most nutrient dense foods, which is definitively not what you asked for. * Arctic explorers bringing sleds full of frozen butter to eat. * Eating your weight in salt every day. * Whether 1 milliliter of water weighs exactly one gram everywhere, or just in that locked vault in Paris. * The Canadian hotline you can call to report bars that serve you an American pint of beer. * The metric pint. * Ounces per ounce. * Writing to Stephen Wolfram to complain about the dry ounce. * That double gotcha bar trivia question about whether an ounce of feathers is lighter than an ounce of gold. * Europeans getting confused when Americans talk about calories when they mean kilocalories. * Using more significant digits than the speaker intended when doing unit conversion. * Whether someone saying "a thousand" to mean "a lot" is one significant digit or zero. * Whether in the Bible "forty" is used colloquially to mean "a lot." * Taking a dialect quiz that tries to guess where you're from but it doesn't know about Canada so it guesses you're from the American Midwest. * Whether recycling is still a thing or in fact ever was. * Keeping people employed at a factory sorting plastic for no particular reason. * Pasta and cheese being popular all over the world. * How Canadians have Kraft macaroni and cheese for dinner all the time. * The biscuit you eat! * How Pad Thai is a psyop. * Putting fish in a bucket and waiting until it becomes fish sauce. * Fear of discovering the fish flavor in fish sauce and ruining Thai food forever. * Putting fish sauce on pizza yourself because Domino's doesn't offer it as a topping. * Opening a Taco Bell in Mexico. * Asking not for whom the Baja Blasts. * A can of cream of mushroom soup inside of a Shepherd's Pie. * Another salty MSG flavored brown liquid.
Wave-Cat Duality

Wave-Cat Duality

2021-02-1501:05:13

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Hallie * https://twitter.com/Hallie9000 * Jenni * jenni@jennipolodna.com * Riff and Jenni play Policenauts. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dnaryt7Vd-U&list=PLQqCGkS4_4ZgJEvjj31kQpY75-Pnmbul Topics: * Tarot readings using meme templates * In the musical Cats, jellicle cats ascend to the Heaviside Layer & come back reborn, therefore cats are radio waves, discuss * https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1382102/Now-Lloyd-Webber-puts-Eliots-dogs-to-music.html * Original twitter thread about platonic cats: https://twitter.com/chriscereza/status/1316118239785574400 * Why the Music In Cats Is Worse Than You Thought https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3aK-EK5V2k * Disney attending your funeral * http://magicalpassings.com/ * John asks "Country Time Lemonade lent their brand name to the best lemon candy I ever had which I discovered right about the time it was discontinued" * Why are you not supposed to let a moose lick your car, is it because their tongues will get stuck, how do you stop them * Jokes as motivation to learn * Unkomario and kintamario * https://i.imgur.com/83LapJQ.png * https://i.imgur.com/Vj3nsyW.png * 18-Volt squatting on a coin: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJKFZVEKHYY Microtopics: * Whether this is going to be a fun episode or if it's going to crash and burn after two minutes. * Trying to eat a watermelon in December and nature punishing you for your hubris. * A tarot deck of memes. * Describing memes in an audio medium. * Arby's. * Getting ASMR live on the podcast. * The Deck of Old Memes. * Where the horsey sauce comes out. * Your Arby's cups with a radioactive ghost. * The Loss Spread. * Literary analysis of a work of art, except it's a roguelike. * Jellicle cats. * Making noises even if you have nothing to say. * Loving Cats unironically except for the fatphobic one. * Advertisements for the stage musical Cats making it seem like Les Miserables, a show you go to to cry for three hours. * Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat. * Fantasizing that the hipster guy at the moustache wax store is your boyfriend. * Platonic forms that have been banished to earth and must prove themselves sufficiently perfect to return to the realm of ideas. * Whether pollicle is a back formation from jellicle. * Never having met a pollicle dog, nor watched a fever dream of a movie where they sing to you. * The good content that you can't keep it together through. * Reinforcing Goofy's head so that it doesn't fall into the casket when he kisses the body. * Burying you with a solar powered mp3 player so that you can hear "It's A Small World" on loop for eternity. * Hiring someone to be you from the past so they can have it out with Goofy dressed as the Ghost of Christmas Future at your funeral. * Planning the Best Funeral Ever. * Whether Disney is willing to DMCA takedown your novelty Disney funeral. * Our Cyberpunk Future being cool as heck and also unimaginably awful, like Lovecraft. * Our Cool Cyberpunk Future, where there are cool things and terrible things, and the rich people have the cool things, and you can try to steal them from them. * To what degree we got our Dystopian Cyberpunk Future because Jeff Bezos loved Neuromancer and wanted to make it happen for real. * Hiring Hiro Protagonist from Snow Crash to come to your funeral and kiss you on the lips, and getting a Meme Virus that persists through your death. * Hiring Tron Guy to come to your funeral and kiss you on the list. * Refusing to let Tron Guy see Tron Legacy at your movie theater because Ernest Cline would just buy the theater immediately. * Pickle brine that tastes a lot like peppery lemonade. * The hierarchy of sour candies. * Sour candy marketing in the 90s proclaiming that "your mom hates these!" * The difference between macaroons and macarons, and whether it exists. * The difference between pies and tarts, and whether it exists. * Graham cracker crust quiche. * The same podcast episode but you keep editing new guest commentary in so that gets longer and longer. * Not letting a moose lick your car, because their tongue might get stuck. * Driving away after the moose's tongue gets stuck to your bumper and the moose flies behind you like a kite. * Driving in bemoosed roads. * Driving away when a moose tries to lick your car. * Moose seeing a car and thinking "oh good a source of salt." * The hippos of the West. * Telling your child that every animal is imaginary so they can have the magical moment of discovering the truth over and over again. * Frightening a bear away by putting moose antlers on it and showing it a mirror. * Inventing and testing sour honey live on this podcast. * The patron saint of standing on your head. * A sour honey update: it's fine. * The new sour salty honey candy, "Are They Gonna Give Me That Sour Salty Honey?" * People and learning and why they do it. * The thing about jokes. * Putting a bunch of bad programming means on the classroom wall because students will want to understand the joke. * Learning a little about many things and becoming a generalist. * The only STEM person in this anatomy and physiology class making jokes about how the kidneys are a linked list. * A meme in the sense of making your calculator say "BOOBIES" * An extremely elaborate process for making it kinda look like Mario is pooping. * Duolingo finally paying off when you can discern which Mario is pooping and which Mario has testicles. * An official Nintendo product acknowledging the schoolyard meme where it looks like Mario is pooping. * Inventing new things to do with video games. * The Green Demon. * The essence of swag. * Memes with good cinematography. * Inventing rules to apply to yourself to make video games harder. * Beating Pokemon with all Woopers. * A problematic Kojima game?! * Opting out of having an adult name.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Mara plugs Libby. https://libbyapp.com/welcome * maracaelin@gmail.com * Derek plugs LibriVox. https://librivox.org/ * https://twitter.com/derekcaelin * https://mastodon.technology/@argus Topics: * Should we spare our children from our own game nostalgia? * Working libraries of famous people getting acquired by institutions * Winston's latest thing is that before peeing in the potty he'll find a hairball on the floor and put it in the potty so he can pee on it * John asks "In watching my 3 year old develop her own sense of comedy I have realized that comedy might actually be a kind of innate human reaction to interesting incongruity. She likes toilet humor quite a lot despite my partner and I never liking those kinds of jokes. However, I think she likes it because it's very easy for her to understand something like singing 'Happy Birthday to Poop!' whereas other subtler kinds of humor are out of her reach right now." * Toddlers who secretly compete in pro-gaming tournaments Microtopics: * Libby. * A really good way to use your public library without leaving your house. * Getting one of those hollowed out books from a Poirot novel where the vial of poison goes except you put your phone in there so people think you're reading books rather than looking at your phone. * Librivox. * Listening to some randos reading public domain books. * Square jawed scientists taking on the world and neither the government nor their frail wives can hold them back. * Trying to show your four year old Wind Waker and he's annoyed that it's not the Wind Waker remaster for Wii U. * Subtly guiding your child away from games that prey on gambling addiction. * Planning a closed environment where you can introduce the history of video games to your child in chronological order, and then realizing that that's how we got modern gamers. * How to revisit your nostalgia when it's locked inside early Macintosh educational games with bad emulation support. * Wandering isolated in a sad soundscape. * Whether World of Warcraft caused your depression or whether losing your job (because of World of Warcraft) caused your depression. * Eve Online. * Going into nullsec where there is no sec. * Forgetting about Eve Online for ten years and coming back to find that your avatar has been practicing whittling cedar this entire time and is now a grandmaster cedar whittler. * Going to turning left school for five years. * Collecting all the books in a famous author's working library so scholars can catalogue all the Cheeto fingerprints. * Studying the working library of the greatest American novelist of all time and it's just autographed copies of all the Twilight novels and the board game "Wits and Wagers." * Filling your working library with books to impress the scholars studying your life in a hundred years. * Giving your source code to the Video Game History Foundation for safe keeping. * The difficulty of preserving the history of online video games. * Whether an economy based on trading nudes can sustain your video game preservation endowment. * That time of year when Wikipedia is begging for the nudes again. * Toilet Mimics * Whether you have to pee on Cheerios or whether any cereal will do. * A man's irrepressible need to piss on a fly. * Monetizing urination. * The alternate reality where all video games are controlled by a stream of urine, and some fringe developers are making games you control with your hands, and people are like "Is that even a game? You don't even piss on it!" * Being cornered at a party by an inventor describing his idea for a toilet seat that vibrates at the brown note. * The brown note as a consent issue. * All-singing, all-dancing, all-peeing. * Calling your mom on the toilet phone so she can whistle at the frequency that makes you pee. * Two-factor authentication for pooping. * When you can't poop because your smart toilet can't connect to the wifi. * Toilet uptime. * Every child independently inventing the "happy birthday to poop" song. * Singing "happy birthday to poop" when the poop has no way to blow out the candles. * The fecal stage of the Freudian theory of child development. * The calculus of why we don't find the same joke funny again. * A gingerbread house that is an architect's nightmare. * Adults and children making jokes past each other. * Pete of the Chickens. * Four year olds who are incredibly good at Rocket League. * Swearing that you are only four years old so Epic doesn't kick you out of the Rocket League League. * How physics-driven video games are the perfect constrained environment for a child to excel in. * Whether your Rocket League skills translate to any other aspect of your life. * A four year old gamer complaining about noobs. * Saying "don't forget to like comment and subscribe" instead of "goodbye." * Being leery of playing video games because every time you touch a controller the truck video stops. * Texting your grandmother a thousand emojis. * An app that lets your four year old pretend to text his grandma a thousand emojis. * Your true self on the Fediverse. * The realest person on Mastodon.
Immersion Blended Lasagna

Immersion Blended Lasagna

2021-02-0101:08:20

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Tim * https://giantsquidstudios.com/ * Nathan * https://twitter.com/MommysBestGames * http://mommysbestgames.com/website_store/index.html Topics: * Are there any negatives to having an easy mode that takes the player through the entire game? Should the "best ending" be locked somehow in easy mode? * Why are we drawn to art that updisturbs, depresses, or scares? (And yes, "catharsis" is a weak answer!) * How Super Mario 35 (and maybe battle royales in general) solved the worst unsolvable problem of multiplayer * John asks: "Licensing issues and content guidelines have led to a homogenized aesthetic on YouTube that leads to all produced-in-bulk videos for children having the same sound effects and music." * What's different (better or worse) about playing games with kids? Do you play games with your kids? * What sports would be more interesting with low/0 gravity? Or with higher gravity? * Tim's vegan commune cooking disaster stories Microtopics: * Shoot 1-Up. * Controlling all your spaceships at the same time. * The big thing about Galaga. * The forever scrolling timeline of new content that you're fed all the time. * The funniest Boris Vallejo painting. * Being bummed to find out that Boris Vallejo was looking at people and painting them rather than just imagining them. * Name-dropping Tom of Finland. * Staring at pink blobs all the time. * Making sure you're not wearing your good socks because they're about to be blown off. * Looping the game twice with no deaths and no bombs. * Jamestown. * Being forced to do something unpleasant to feel a sense of satisfaction when you are given what you want. * Not supporting an easy mode as well as you should have because you assumed those people could just play co-op. * Bringing in a playtester who has never used a mouse before. * Not valuing your own fake accomplishments as much because other people accomplished the same fake accomplishments more easily. * Save the Date, by Chris Cornell. * Having to wake up to play Super Hard mode. * The necessity of hand-tuning all the enemy AI in shoot em up difficulty levels. * Psychoanalyzing the entire human race at once. * People turning to media to experience strong emotions. * Whether it's easier to elicit good or bad emotions in the viewer. * The safety of seeing a horrible thing that will definitely never happen to you. * Being unusually upset by the Boston Marathon bombing because you recently ran a marathon. * Knowing that an album is going to fuck you up because it is too proximate, and choosing not to listen. * A scary movie taking months to purge from your brain. * The relief of when the demons show up. * People lining up at a party to play That Dragon Cancer. * How movies basically never hurt children. * Wanting to know what's in the box but also knowing that what's in the box will ruin your life for months. * How you lose half the time in multiplayer games. * Super Mario 35. * The various ways video games can make you feel like you're winning harder. * Taking turns feeling good at video games. * We Didn't Playtest This At All * Everybody choosing a number and everybody who chose 5 being the winner. * Trying to win at Scrabble based on style points. * Coming up with as many secondary win conditions as possible so that everybody can win even if they lost. * Choosing a safeword to indicate that it's time to switch topics. * Making all your own opulently animated scenes. * Playing games as a way to develop social relationships. * Empowering your son to express himself even though he's making a shitty Pokemon deck. * Finding non-combat activities to do with the Pokemon that are not very good at combat. * Buying SNES Classic to play games with your son and then realizing that there are more worthwhile games to play than those that merely entertain. * Games which give you value that you can take out into the world. * Wanting to show your kid the good stuff so that they can have a better life than you did. * Learning music theory by listening to Justin Bieber. * Worrying that you'll pollute your kid's natural interests with your taste in video games. * A very nice video game world for other people to explore. * Staring at people and saying "papaya" until they're like "why do you keep saying papaya" * Skateboarding in low gravity. * Full contact basketball with trampolines. * Immersion Blender Night. * Immersion blended salad. * Immersion blended vegan lasagna. * Learning the hard way that flambe does not burn off that much of the alcohol. * A gargantuan stock pot of chocolatey oatmeal that is far too salty for human consumption. * Improvising around your cooking mistakes. * Promising to talk about Paddington 2 next episode. * Going to the Giant Squid web page and checking out Tim's bio. * Barf-sealed copies of Pig Eat Ball.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Kev Zettler * http://radcade.com/ * Xalavier Nelson, Jr. * https://xalaviermakeswords.itch.io/strange-scaffold-comics-vol-1 Topics: * The fine art of professional wrestling * Stealing the declaration of independence to save Nicolas Cage's life * Atari 2600 Adventure's effectiveness as a port of Crowther and Woods Adventure * Larry asks "That one time Taco Bell promised every American a free taco if the Mir space station hit a taco target in the indian Ocean but it missed by an entire hemisphere." * Non-violent communication * The threshold between an object/entity being large, and SO large that your brain can no longer process it effectively and you're no longer impressed * Sucking a glass onto your face Microtopics: * Still the raddest place to play web games. * An Airport For Aliens Currently Run By Dogs. * Interacting with dogs in a whole new way. * Being clean and dirty at the same time. * Dog synergies. * The legal standing of a game downloading a random guitar tab from the internet to make a dog play guitar. * A scope creep game that ships. * Whether professional wrestling is trashy. * Audience-reactive improv theater performed by professional stunt men. * Pro wrestling jargon creeping into your * A work for marks who are smart marks and don't know when they're being worked or if they're not. * Stealing vocabulary from Victorian urchins. * Whether women's wrestling is still about macho posturing. * Meme warfare thought devices. * Muscled theatrical performers doing their dangedest * Whether GDC is ever going to happen again. * Whether GDC will be the same without Simon Carless. * Whether Lost Levels can exist without GDC bringing everyone physically together and secretly reserving the physical venue. * Every D-level game dev celebrity entering an arena and only one D-level game dev celebrity leaving. * A contract sealed in blood that is a matter of public record. * Having an hour and 45 minutes to save Nicholas Cage's life by stealing the Declaration of Independence. * Finding out that Nicholas Cage was injured in a bear fighting accident and realizing that now's your time to shine. * Finding out that isnicholascagenexttoabear.com isn't based on geolocation technology, it just scrapes TMZ for headlines that contain both "cage" and "bear." * Why we still have to steal the Declaration of Independence if everyone is aware of the Nicholas Cage situation. * Conspicuously walking down the street with the Declaration of Independence rolled up under your arm like a newspaper so that an urchin can snatch it away from you and you can pretend to be incensed. * Finding out what Habeas Corpus means. * Atari 2600 Adventure vs. Crowther and Woods Adventure. * Adapting a text adventure to computer system that can't render text. * Making a game where you explore until you find an ending in a context where all anyone's ever seen is games where you play for a high score. * Remakes changing the meaning of the original. * Inventing a 4D game platform to port Demon's Souls to. * Hitting a taco target in the Indian ocean. * Whether 40'x40' is a big taco or a small target for a space station. * All of America having a taco-in-the-streets party. * Dipping your girlfriend and smooching her as taco cheese falls from the sky. * Mir falling from the sky every day being a small price to pay to solve world hunger. * Taco Bell beginning to sweat as they realize the revolution is about to start. * Alternate history fiction where the branch point is that Taco Bell gave every American a free taco after Mir hit their taco target. * Non-Violent Communication. * Communicating your lived experience backed with justification and couched in empathy. * Instead of saying "you're annoying me," saying "I am annoyed because of you." * The HALT principle. * Big things making your brain go "ooh!" * Being terrified of the scale of Jupiter but the sun being like "meh" * Being terrified by an enormous mammoth but less terrified of the Earth when the Earth is bigger and closer than the mammoth. * Being unable to process the scale of a large city but eventually becoming desensitized to it. * Deciding whether to be impressed by something's size based on whether it's horizontal or vertical. * The relief and comfort of realizing that humans don't make any fricking sense. * Making New Year's Resolution of finally making sense of yourself and of the world. * Different goals emerging from the same root: hubris. * Not being able to form a seal on your face because you have a beard. * Normalizing shaving a hole in your beard sized and situated to suck a drinking glass onto your face. * Putting a drinking glass on your face in various configurations until one feels right. * A drinking glass size rooted in a human arrogance that you can appreciate but that you can't encourage. * Learning to suck a glass onto your face from the kid next to you at Applebee's.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * April * https://twitter.com/aprilsaur * John * https://ostparty.podbean.com/ * https://twitter.com/YouOldSoAndSo * https://www.nintendo.com/games/detail/pooplers-switch/ * https://twitter.com/lizardengland/status/1333825611144556547/photo/1 Topics: * Woodworking * Mentors and mentorship in general * Advent calendar dice * Scott asks "Please discuss Rax and Mr. Delicious" * https://boingboing.net/2020/10/09/meet-mr-delicious-the-weirdest-fast-food-spokesperson-ever.html * Mariko Aoki Phenomenon. The phenomenon of having to poop when entering a bookstore. Named after the woman who experienced it and brought it to wider attention. If you wish to elaborate further, what's an inexplicable condition that you've experienced and suspect is shared with some portion of the populace? Would you want it named after you? Microtopics: * Using your work name on the internet for a thing you don't want work to see. * Neither of the guests plugging Topic Lords, for the 65th time in a row. * Trying to guess the channel The Expanse used to be on. * How movies used to be teal and orange but now they're just green. * Letting all the cats into the room to purr into the microphones. * Things people expect you to be good at when you're a park ranger. * Woodworking. * Protecting your food from raccoons and turkeys. * The peace of bringing a physical object to fruition. * Making a napkin holder in middle school wood shop. * How it's ok to make fun of someone's face as long as you've never seen their face. * Building a bridge out of popsicle sticks. * Building a bridge out of sentient goo-balls. * The first sense you use to consume a meal. * How pleased everyone is with Jim's new hobby. * A knock knock joke if the punch line was playing peek-a-boo. * Eating cold pizza right out of the freezer. * Growing into a preference for being around people who aren't assholes. * Looking up to people in your field. * Only realizing that your mentors were mentors in retrospect. * A recurring topic on this show. * Knowing several librarians independent of the time you worked in the library. * Playing Zork on your uncle's laptop. * Printing your nephew's MS Paint art rather than just using your printer for taxes. * An Advent calendar except instead of being laid out in the grid the candy goes in a 25 sided die. * Forgetting about your Advent calendar after a few days and having extra candy next year. * An Advent calendar where behind each numbered door is a die with that number of faces. * Extruding a coin and inventing the three sided die. * Putting stickers in your Advent calendar instead of candy, because you hate your child. * Question asking games. * Rolling a natural 1 on your Advent calendar dice and having to throw all your presents in the garbage. * Games where even if you're bad at games you still have a chance to win. * The importance of being bored. * The growing ubiquitousness of video games. * An epidemic that demands everybody spend a full year at the DMV. * Desperately trying to change your last name before your child is born so that your names will match. * Whether gestational diabetes counts for your diabetes threepeat. * Derailing the conversation about fast food advertising with your top two Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. * Mythical roast beef venue RAX. * Opening your trench coat to reveal one of those silver food domes that you lift up. * Talking about your vasectomy in an advertisement for roast beef sandwiches. * Fast food for adults advertised with Ronald McDonald holding a briefcase. * The luxury of two leaves of iceberg lettuce. * Charles Nelson Reilly, recurring guest on Match Game. * That time you wanted to watch American Gladiators and there was exactly one episode on YouTube. * Asking a kid if they know what Kumon is and they make the sad face. * The tutoring place you take your kid to if you want them to know math instead of being happy. * Whether you're allowed to have impostor syndrome about something you do professionally. * Reframing your impostor syndrome as being about how good you are at fooling people into thinking you have worth. * Getting rid of the clown. * Bringing the clown man back. * Love in the time of Beavis and Butthead. * The content that our listeners crave. * Our frothing demand to find a bathroom increases. * How bookstores and toilets smell the same in Japan. * The full body sensation you get right before you're about to do cocaine. * Training your toddler to pee at a whistle tone and then making them wet their pants on all their first dates. * The mental link between books and pooping.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * John of the Maryland Johns * Jay of Hypnospace * http://www.hypnospace.net/ Topics: * When you're more interested in following news about things than the things themselves: When will the rumored The Cure albums come out? No Man's Sky updates. What is Josh Sawyer working on? * Realizing that your funny friend as a child was just repeating lines from HBO comedy specials that you weren't allowed to watch. * The Terminator 2 soundtrack and the Fairlight CMI 3 * https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nnpYowxlwsU * I couldn't find a source for the analog modeling synth running on a 60s mainframe, but I did find this example of early digital synthesis from 1961: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41U78QP8nBk * Fairlight is the name of a village in East Sussex, England. I could've sworn it was one of Santa's reindeer or something like that. * Kevin asks "The diminishing returns technologically with each passing console generation. For instance, NES to SNES was a massive leap, whereas you can barely distinguish ps4 games from ps5 games." * Adventures in cooking: share tales of delicious things you have made recently Microtopics: * A game about the old internet. * Figuring out who DMed John. * Doing better at a game than all the people who don't know that the game exists. * Searching things a lot when you're on the toilet. * Being more interested in news about the cure for COVID than about the cure itself. * The three rumored The Cure albums that have been teased for the past four years. * Identifying as someone who cares about video games long after you no longer have time to play video games. * The cultural event of Blaseball. * Whether you are less interested in things as you get older or if you just have less time. * Not buying a Raspberry Pi because you definitely don't have time to play with it. * Sitting two feet away from a 50 inch television and trying to get RetroArch working. * Buying a NES and SNES Classic but never actually playing the games. * Whether Bonk's Adventure is good in 2020. * Kanye West naming an album Turbo Grafx 16. * Naming your The Beatles tribute band The Beatles. * Being exposed to Monty Python primarily by your friends who constantly quote lines out of context. * Finally watching Monty Python and realizing your funny friend has never made an original joke in his life. * Friends who communicate solely in movie one liners. * Making friends with a kid who always says lines from Duke Nukem 3D and learning to say them yourself even though you've never heard of Duke Nukem. * Whether anyone actually knew what Cornholio actually was. * The abject cultural domination of Beavis and Butthead. * Whether or not the listeners will want to know what a ROMpler is. * A $60,000 industrial-strength sampler/synthesizer in your garage. * Playing naturalistic orchestral samples at unnaturally low playback speeds. * A terrifying grindy klaxon sound. * An unstoppable liquid metal monster with a jaunty soundtrack. * Supercomputers producing digital audio in not real time. * The Mellotron. * The brass hit sample used in Owner of a Lonely Heart. * Whether Fairlight the warez group has any relation to Fairlight the synthesizer company. * Emulating the crustiness of the Fairlight CMI. * Where to find all the samples that came built-in to the Fairlight CMI. * Audible frowns. * Just throwing polygons at the rasterizer. * Being clever and squeezing every last drop of performance out of the new consoles and it still doesn't look that much better. * The visual quality of a console you grew up playing being acceptable forever. * Noticing the hottest new game graphics for fifteen minutes and after that you're just playing a video game again. * How we could be up to the NES 6 or the Wii U by now. * Playing Wii Sports and not noticing or caring that the Wii can play other games. * Completely ignoring F2P games until one of your relatives turns out to be susceptible to gambling addiction. * How Nintendo spent the Breath of the Wild budget. * Shielding your eyes when you see a map because you don't want to know too much about the world. * Which Breath of the Wild HUD modes include a compass. * Stuffed mushrooms. * The only recipe that your family makes literally every Thanksgiving. * Making a tray of stuffed mushrooms where the seasoning is different on every mushroom. * A Delicious Chore. * Eggs on toast with remoulade. * The default thing you put on a sandwich. * Espresso machine eggs. * The hypothetical standalone steamer arm. * Promising to not promote anyone's Kickstarter. * What Jim will do with a sharp knife if he gets one for Christmas. * Putting a salmon in the fridge until it desiccates. * Whether scales are a kind of skin. * Knowing you really ought to eat fish. * Putting cabbage in the oven until it's melted cabbage. * Two people who are the same height but one looks taller because their legs are longer. * Dog content on this podcast. * Allowing both pronunciations of Jay's name. * Katie content on this podcast. * A baby becoming a person after basically being a potato for a while. * John's one (1) tweet.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Chris * https://imgur.com/a/7dFeaa8 * Mitch * https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJOh5FKisc0hUlEeWFBlD-w * https://twitter.com/hbmmaster * https://www.patreon.com/hbmmaster Topics: * Why the game Hades is great * People who get upset about the use of the word "literally" often say stuff like "you don't mean literally, you mean figuratively!", even though the use they're complaining about very obviously does not mean figuratively * Gasoline toast * HORG: http://www.horg.com/horg/ * Dishwasher salmon: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6N8q2xkirCQ * Ville asks "Oxford University was founded 200 years before the Aztec Empire and the subway in London began operation during the American Civil War. Either someone's messing with the timeline or we all have a very askew picture of how history's supposed to be laid out." * The Game (the one Wikipedia helpfully disambiguates as "The Game (mind game)") is not very well designed * The Best Five Plants * Multiocular O: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiocular_O * W: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sg2j7mZ9-2Y Microtopics: * Writing your title in lowercase so that you know it's not part of your name. * Taking one look at a game and saying "this is a Chris game." * Hades. * A video game set in a Mike Mignola painting. * Game development legerdemain. * Pressing left trigger to pet Cerberus. * Voice acting in video games. * Needing to change a voice line and having to splice together existing lines because you're never going to see the actor again. * Needing to generalize a voice acted tutorial saying "press the A button" and just cutting out the word A. * Doing your best impression of the Afro Samurai and Samuel L Jackson angrily knocks at the door dressed as the Afro Samurai. * Knowing enough Greek mythology to appreciate these Greek mythology gags. * Describing your backstory to the bard. * Fishing minigames. * Getting the voice actor to learn Blender so you can finally pet the other two heads. * How people use "literally" these days. * How "really" used to mean "actually" and "very" meant "truly" but people started using them in hyperbole and now it's just an intensifier. * Sarcasm as a driver of linguistic change. * Covering food with gasoline and setting it on fire. * How the little plastic clip influences the bread's flavor. * Gasoline clams. * Covering a bagged loaf of bread in gasoline and setting it on fire and a loaf of perfect toast emerges. * Remembering that you were going to say something about the bag clip thing. * Making gasoline toast when gas prices were negative and getting your toast for free. * The Holotypic Occlupanid Research Group. * Going to a web site about bag clips and not seeing anything with a spring in it. * Soaking your fish in lye until it becomes a delicacy. * Dishwasher salmon. * How every dishwasher is at the perfect temperature to cook salmon. * Trying to cook salmon in your dishwasher because you're not a serious dude yet. * Cooking a salmon in dishwashers around the world. * Going on the internet and telling lies about salmon preparation. * Lutefisk, and specifically how somebody invented Lutefisk. * The gravest of apologies to anyone currently eating dishwasher salmon. * The third time Jim went to jail for an idea originating on this podcast. * Cleopatra's temporal proximity to Pizza Hut. * Time and pizza being flat circles. * A quote-shaped hole in this conversation that you have the chance to fill. * Whether a hole in the ground that a wheelbarrow goes through counts as a subway. * Impressing your Corgi with facts about London. * The Game (mind game) * A game you can't stop playing, according to the rules. * How to win The Game (mind game) * Whether it's a game if you can't choose not to play. * People explaining The Game to you over and over again in hopes that you'll become as angry as they are that you just lost the game. * The sort of thing that passed for cool in board games from before 1990. * Video games with hexagons in them. * Arguing about the best five of something. * The worst five forbs. * Coating the hillside with six inch hemispheres of itching hairs. * A forb that is always full of doves, which is bad somehow. * The Angry Video Game Nerd except it's a plant nerd being angry about plants. * The bottom five letters of the alphabet. * The sequel to lowercase b. * Taking the q out of queen so it's spelled ueen. (But still pronounced "queen.") * Updating the alphabet to get rid of c k s w and q. * British people always dropping the t even though they supposedly love it. * Revising English spelling so that every word is just spelled "a" but each word has a unique font size. * Registering google.com except instead of two os it's the "oo" ligature. * The origin of uppercase. * Explaining to the clerk at the DMV that your name is Chris except the C is illuminated.
A Real Egg Hobbyist

A Real Egg Hobbyist

2020-12-2801:05:11

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Mark plugs Ravening Iron * Shirley plugs a silicone reusable popcorn maker Topics: * The trend of positive media (Great British Baking Show, etc.) * What is your favorite magic paradigm? Related: Space Wizards: What happened?? * Transitioning from being able to cook a dish to being able to cook a meal * Larry asks "Yearbooks. Do you still have them? Have you ever actually used one? Is it full of signatures and stuff like that?" * "Dude, maybe Jim can give us parenting advice" is what I just said out loud, what do you think of that, Jim? Microtopics: * Whether Ravening Iron slaps. * The life-changing silicone popcorn maker. * A cup that says "tea" on it that's filled with bourbon. * Dirty Harry except he's shooting the mishandling of evidence in the face. * Dirty Harry except instead of shooting perps in the face he takes a bath. * Watching Joker (2019) and thinking "finally, the IPs of my youth are real art now" * A slow motion replay of a lady forgetting to put ice cream back in the fridge. * Choosing the biggest burliest man you can find who is moved to tears at the drop of a hat to judge your reality show. * Being moved to tears because a jug is unexpectedly light. * A manual of non-toxic masculinity. * Men Feeling Feelings. * Collecting magic paradigms. * Staying up all night studying your book of magic and then the next day you can cast one (1) fireball. * Studying magic for years and then having spells in your head that you never cast. * All the spells in a wizard's head going off at once when the wizard dies, like that fireworks show in San Diego. * Accidentally learning the spell that will unmake reality. * Learning the magic words and swizzling a wand. * Teaching children that magic is an inherent ability that you either have or don't have. * Why there are so few space wizards. * Waking up in the middle of a night with a great story idea and in the morning you realize it's Star Wars. * Doctor Who explaining the science behind space vampires. * What if Marty McFly's photo of his brother was an actual person and his body parts started to vanish. * Battle mages carrying around notepads and calligraphy pens and battling by writing notes at each other. * Magical inscriptions all over your body rendering you invulnerable to physical harm everywhere except your face because your retail job doesn't allow face tattoos. * Recognizing Rise of the Skywalker as bad but still basically enjoying it because you just don't care that much any more. * The plot of a long running movie franchise suddenly hinging on the protagonist needing to find a bathroom when they've never been depicted as pooping even once. * Growing out of hating art. * Loving this topic. * Breakfast being easier to cook than other meals because it's okay to just make one dish and call it breakfast. * Breakfast being easier to cook than other meals because it uses a smaller set of potential ingredients. * Learning to look at a set of available ingredients and plan a meal out of them. * Learning how to cook to learn about process and flexibility. * Following a recipe but ultimately having to make the decision yourself that the food you're making is ready to be taken off the heat and served. * Skimming a recipe to get the gist and then just being able to make the thing because you know how food works. * The canonical flavor pairings of breakfast. * Figuring out your flavor profile and then your main protein and working outwards to the sides. * Learning to make scrambled eggs and realizing now you can just have scrambled eggs any time. * A Real Egg Hobbyist * Leaving behind audio logs for future civilizations. * A paint pigment made out of mummies, and more generally how every pigment is made from some different weird thing. * Every ingredient in your kitchen coming from a different weird and often horrifying animal or plant process. * Humans possibly developing larger brains because we invented cooking. * Raw food enthusiasts just enjoying digesting harder than the rest of us. * Measuring the calories in a food by making the food explode. * The millennia-long development of corn as a staple crop. * Posing with a crazy hat because your yearbook editors didn't have enough photos of Crazy Hat Day. * Falsifying the historical record. * Seeing a yearbook on a friend's bookshelf and offering to sign it. * Paying extra to get your high school yearbook pre-signed. * Seeing your parent's yearbook and realizing for the first time that they had hobbies once. * A nice kid who is always doing their best. * Seeing your high school teacher in street clothes at the grocery store and realizing that he is just a few years older than you. * How a task seems impossible until you have a strong enough incentive to do it. * The switch that flips in your brain once you have a kid where it becomes unthinkable to not have a kid or want to have a kid. * Childbirth lawyers. * Having an extra plug.
NHS Surveillance Elves

NHS Surveillance Elves

2020-12-2101:05:15

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Alex is on the Topic Lords discord. * Shannon * https://www.etsy.com/shop/NaturalStitchery * https://whistletown.tumblr.com/ Topics: * Discovered any cool new youtube channels lately? * https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLy1Z3yawOIkZCWf92DPThdC0H8ESbXxnn * https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCGjs772Xkfnr8tSwkjw2vkg * https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLGPT1t4CqpfhCpZH56JQfJuF6SvxCMrHL * How to use ice witch powers for the good of mankind * Why do fish have up and down * Brandon asks: "Have you talked about all the video games with the word 'lords' in them? And you can change the title of the show to be Topic: Lords for that episode" * Lying to kids about Santa * If you had a big front yard with lots of fresh snow and a free afternoon, what would you build? Microtopics: * Which came first, the beer or the bread? * What Big Bread doesn't want you to know. * Accidentally setting up your Etsy store in Canada. * Selling pixel art with instructions on how to turn it into cross stitch. * A cool guy and his cool microscope. * Finding cool organisms to stream on your Twitch Plays Microscope channel. * Your grandma's room full of jars of pond scum and microscopes. * Making dinner wearing a GoPro. * Burning out on making your extremely overproduced podcast. * Getting in a knock down drag out fight on Twitter with the guy trying to convince you playing video games isn't a waste of time. * Cutting your video only when the GoPro is about to overheat. * The delight of somebody who is really excited about stuff. * Filling your house with ants and realizing you need a new house and building a new house and now you have two houses filled with ants. * You won't believe what happens next: ants. * Ruining your whole country real bad with your ice witch powers. * Using your ice witch powers for fire suppression. * Making beverages cold with your ice witch powers. * Harnessing the powers of Elsa and a Charizard to run a Stirling engine to solve the energy crisis. * Finding the Frozen lore bible to find out if Elsa can help cool superconductors. * Principles of homeopathic medicine factoring into the plot of Frozen 2. * Sating your hunger for topics. * Why fish only pitch and yaw and never roll. * Interviewing a guy named "Fish" for an article about fish but never mentioning his name once. * Countershading. * Having predators both above and below you at all times. * The boring answer to every question about evolution. * Being banned from Yellowstone for trying to fry a chicken in a geyser because you can only boil a chicken in a geyser. * Fish always swimming in the same orientation because they haven't read Ender's Game. * No Spine Don't Care. * The sh-sounding thing that looks like a capital B. * Whether you can read about the House of Lords on Mobygames. * Crusader Kings 2: Horse Lords * Making your own horse dynasty. * Thinking about an entirely different unicorn-based game from the other Lord. * Putting "re" in front of stuff to indicate a sequel. * Might of the Slither Lords. * What the Slither Lords eat and how often they use the bathroom. * Believing the lie about Santa Claus as practice for believing bigger lies later in life, such as "life has meaning." * Demonstrating to your children that authority figures will lie to you and laugh about it. * Baby's First Critical Thinking Exercise. * Santa Claus as a test run for evaluating beliefs based on the evidence rather than blindly believing what authority figures tell you. * Learning to pretend to believe in all the lies that form the foundation of society, like that you want to talk to the person next to you or that alcohol tastes good. * Not being allowed to tell dad that the Easter Bunny isn't real. * All the older kids getting to be part of perpetuating the Santa lie once they figure it out, but the youngest kid just getting to be sad. * Doing wholesome activities in a sneaky anonymous way. * Pirate Santa Works Twice As Hard. * The real joy of Christmas being that Santa will never learn your name properly. * Putting a barcode on your child's neck so Santa knows which present to give them. * A period of heightened observation of children. * All the elves working for the NHS. * Not being willing to lie to your child so you hire a Santa Lecturer to give a seminar at your house. * Whether five is a young age. * Setting up a dope haunted house that nobody can visit because there's a pandemic on. * Home Alone except instead of defending your house, you're breaking into people's houses to do nice things. * The laws of physics and the laws of man not applying to Santa but still applying to your five year old child. * The moment you need to explain criminal statutes to your five year old. * Permanently ruining your back by building snow forts in a winter wonderland. * Making igloos. * Starting to carve Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's name in the snow in front of your house during an election year and realizing you need a longer house. * Making giant ice buildings by spraying fire hoses everywhere. * Providing structural support to your ice building using ice I-beams made out of heavy water. * Making a snow maze for your tiny dog.
Pachinko Lava Lamp

Pachinko Lava Lamp

2020-12-1401:05:55

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Chris * https://www.fieggen.com/shoelace/ianknot.htm * James * https://triplefox.itch.io/ * https://youtu.be/I8uStVXNf0M Topics: * An adopted microwave which is too small for popcorn, begging the question: what is it for? * https://compassandquill.com/2012/03/12/how-to-cook-microwave-popcorn-on-the-stove/ * What happened to Galapagos? (And recreating pinball in software.) * https://triplefox.itch.io/galapagos * https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tmg5WOvPKpU * The trade-off between customer satisfaction and worker safety * John asks "Skipping over links to music when your friends post them, and in turn posting links to music without a shred of self-awareness/the mental barrier to recommending or sharing music." * Relearning how to run Microtopics: * A shoelace knot that you are amazed by. * Whether somebody knows good ways of tying knots. * Not having any ads on the show but the same shoelace knot being independently plugged by three separate guests. * Looking outside and seeing someone furtively deposit the world's smallest microwave on the sidewalk. * A microwave that is awesome until you try to put popcorn in it. * A dollhouse microwave that can microwave popcorn one kernel at a time. * The Easy Bake Microwave. * That one kid you knew whose family was rich enough that he had a microwave in his bedroom. * The Easy Bake TV which is just a light bulb that you stare into. * Downsizing your lifestyle. * Ultra-miniaturized microwaves that are just big enough for a can of Coca Cola. * Hot Coke. * Deciding to try Hot Coke after the show because your microwave is too small to fit anything bigger than a mug of Coca Cola. * A hot tub with a volume of half a cubic foot. * Whether the Whirlpool hot tub actually spins. * Recording an entire additional episode of Topic Lords after this, that only we get to hear. * Deciding that your fantasy console should be linear without knowing what linear means. * Making software last a long time by targeting an emulator. * Deciding that your entire approach to your current project is wrong and inverting its structure and then deciding to make a pinball game instead. * Having to fake the physical pinball interactions because physics engines still aren't precise enough. * Not having a ball bearing bouncing around inside of your phone. * Applying an impulse when the ball hits a collision volume. * The actual electromechanical mechanism of those triangles near the flippers that push the ball back. * A physics solver that does mixed rigid and soft body deformation. * Ordering pinball flippers online so you can measure them because you can't find specs describing their exact shape and size anywhere. * How pop bumpers work. * The ball rolling over the skirt and triggering the thrusters. * Modeling an invisible cone that drives itself down. * Buying a nice plastic skirt and an extremely high-current solenoid. * Making a functional pinball table out of cardboard. * A pinball table inside of a wine bottle. * Pinball tables all having the common constraint that they need to fit through the door. * "Hercules," the pinball table where the gimmick is that it's too big to fit through the door. * How to draw the rest of the owl. * Pinball except instead of a ball it's water. * A PSP except instead of a portable video game system it's one of those games where you squeeze water to get rings onto posts. * Christmas except every present is just a box of avocados. * Pachinko except it's an oil timer. * Physically impossible but physically accurate pinball machines. * Pachinko except there's fire everywhere and what's falling through the pins is your dead body and all your individual bones. * Getting licensed to make scrambled eggs with an espresso machine. * A Big Black Egg Gauntlet. * A big black glove that smells but doesn't look like rotten eggs. * The pressure of an egg. * Whether an egg could be held aloft by a shop vac. * The video of an egg being sucked into a bottle that google shows you when it doesn't have any good results, because you can't stay mad when you get to see an egg sucked into a bottle. * The ethics of asking your wife to take a video of cafe workers making scrambled eggs. * The violence of recommendations. * Whether or not you can get mad about your time being wasted for twenty seconds. * Doing everything in your power to like your favorite band's new album. * Your first "Hero's Journey" vs. your hundredth. * The kind of media you consume while doing other things vs. the kind you actively study. * Mentoring teenagers and exhorting that they listen to as much music as possible before they get old like you, and handing them some Linkin Park CDs. * Getting better at stuff. * Each sport having a different set of recommended vitamin supplements. * Lurching forward on your ankles. * Looking up how runners run on Youtube and immediately realizing how you can run way faster. * Getting running shoes that force you to spring around on your toes rather than landing on your heel. * Getting it but not liking it. * Studying Full Tilt. * Taking your kick scooter on the freeway. * Pre-Stormdancer problems. * Googling your own name and finding erotic short fiction starring a gay lumberjack with your name. * The sound of probably not being able to hear anything * Whether a beverage can be both hot and carbonated. * Sadness when you can't carbonate soup. * The audio signature of Coke being microwaved. * A microwave% run of Super Mario 64 where you need to turn on the microwave next to the Nintendo 64 at the exact right frame. * Honey refusing to dissolve in tea no matter how much you stir. * Putting your mug of flat microwaved Coke in the Sodastream to recarbonate it.
1-800-Ask-A-Harpsichord.com

1-800-Ask-A-Harpsichord.com

2020-12-0701:11:31

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Amanda * akotchon@gmail.com * Alexander is still a math professor Topics: * Harpsichord music in public domain for spooky chiptune soundtracks * The elements of chip music. https://www.linusakesson.net/music/elements/index.php * Shareware floppies! Remember those? * Skunny the Squirrel: Save Our Pizzas https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tceqj1x_Q8Q * Skunny Kart https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j0JzpjINeE0 * The outlandish economic world of Neopets * https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/1297485937384001537.html * Running a Beanie Baby arbitrage empire. Microtopics: * Programming industrial robots to lift really heavy things. * Trying teach kids Python when you don't know Python, but it's okay because knowing how for loops work gets you 90% of the way there. * The consequences of buggy code when the robot is lifting a test tube vs. a car. * Whether three rotary axes mounted on a big linear slide counts as a robot or is just a fancy conveyer belt. * A failed branch on the evolutionary tree of keyboard instruments. * Having to retune your harpsichord multiple times a day if not multiple times per song. * A harpsichord jumping into organ territory. * A medieval troubador who is not playing power chords. * The Famichord. * Omitting the note that is most heavily implied by the other three notes. * Conflating Super Mario World and Link to the Past because they both use spooky harpsichord music. * The difficulty of synthesizing a piano sound. * A really slow early version of machine learning. * Conveying musical intensity when you have no volume control. * Sharpening your own crow quills to maintain your piano. * Sneaking broken harpsichords into somebody's house while they're sleeping. * Rompler rock. * Recognizing a Bach piece because once you typed it into your Commodore 128 as a PLAY statement. * A floppy disk that you bought in a grocery store when you were six. * Whether Sir Mix A Lot is actually dead or just represents a dead person in this analogy. * The internals of the Quake engine. * A C-like language with no arrays so you need to do everything with linked lists. * How long humans have been taking square roots for. * Real-time operating systems. * Putting your audio code in the same thread as your game code so the audio breaks up if you frame rate dips too low. * Sending Jim a sample of moustache man. * A pinball game that plays sound effects at significantly different rates depending on the version of the sound chip. * Buying a shareware game on a floppy disk at a grocery store for the same price as a blank floppy disk. * Playing the shareware episode of Doom and being like "I played Doom already, I don't need to pay for it." * Getting a call from your harpsichord landlord because you haven't paid your harpsichord loans and he refuses to take the harpsichord back. * Harpsichords requiring daily maintenance or they break down over the span of months. * Putting your harpsichord in a sauna to keep it moisturized. * A squirrel in ancient Rome fighting with gladiators over pizza. * A folder hidden by your mom's inability to do a recursive directory listing. * Deciding, as a culture, that the way to advance the 2D platformer as a genre is to make it as hard as possible. * Getting perforated printer paper at the library and drawing your own Prince of Persia levels. * Writing your opus with fire flowers and station wagons. * Whether or not it's cool that Mario Paint Composer graduated to twelve tones. * Back when there was a point to writing songs in different keys. * 1-800-harpsichord-facts.com * Delving into Neopets as an outsider and seeing real life principles of economics mirrored in a distorted reflection. * Making a bad search engine for the player shops so non-competitive shops run by inexperienced players get as much shop traffic as the competitive ones, and so finding a particular item feels like a discovery rather than a given. * Exploring the outcomes of a search engine that is bad in an interesting way. * Neopets voter fraud. * Designing daily quests to keep player shop prices high. * Writing gradient descent optimized algorithms to optimize your Neopets casino strategy. * Learning to code because you want the nicest Neopets shop. * Pushing HTML5 to its limits to get a really big sparkling snowflake in the middle of your ice themed Neopets shop. * Intentionally broken search bringing back the art of gift giving in the digital age. * Intentionally not buying something for yourself so someone can give it to you for your birthday. * Winning a trophy for reading books to your Neopet. * Reading 140 of the 150 possible space themed books to your Neopet to get that Neopet on the space themed books high score table. * A nine year old running a Neopets crime syndicate. * Pre-PayPal digital currencies. * Convincing your grandma to get you a PO Box and bank account so you can run an underground Beanie Babies empire. * The minimum and maximum permitted age for legal Beanie Baby arbitrage. * Editing a magazine and asking them to pay you in online gift cards so they won't figure out you're ten years old and not a 55 year old graduate of the University of Vermont. * The responsible young scammer who takes the profits from their Beanie Baby arbitrage and uses it to pay for less than their first semester of college tuition. * Getting an insider tip that Ty is going to retire every Beanie Baby at the end of 1999 and the market is going to tank but not being able to act on it because eBay kicked you off because you're 12 years old. * Going to juvie for insider trading. * Living off of Wonder Bread for four months after you get out of your oppressive parents no-wheat household. * Asking your dad what the internet is and the next day he prints the W3 consortium HTML spec at work and comes home and hands it to you. * Meeting your best friend in college because you both learned a variant of C++ that will only compile in Microsoft's compiler. * Making your own podcast, "Ask a Harpsichord," to put all the remaining harpsichord facts that didn't fit in this episode.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Elena is on the Topic Lords discord * Tyriq is FourbitFriday everywhere * https://www.ckgame.net/ Topics: * What's the youngest age at which you can become the kind of old person you want to be * Reborrowings: https://starkeycomics.com/2020/06/06/reborrowings/ * https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/624028907162566657/724080214128197672/etymologies-_1.png * https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%D1%81%D0%BB%D0%B0%D0%B2%D0%B0" * I made pork katsu for dinner and Winston pronounced it "pork costume" and I'm pretty sure that's it, that's peak dad experience and it's all downhill from here * Stephen asks "Textual dialects. Range of timbre and tools available in punctuation, capitalization, emphasis and emojis. Apparently periods come off as assertive/rude to younger folks." * The tone deafness test * https://www.themusiclab.org/quizzes/td Microtopics: * Whether complice is the opposite of accomplice. * Intending to clean the fridge. * A short but sweet plug that you manage to drag out of your guest. * Thinking an early access game is dead when the developer is right there in your kitchen streaming making breakfast. * Feeling too young to just go around handing out Werther's Originals. * Whether at some age all your teeth fall out or whether they just decided once, in the 1950s maybe, that it's time to pull everyone's teeth. * Whether the lady with twenty cats accrued the cats over the course of your life or just adopted twenty cats at once. * Learning to regrow your teeth so you can change your teeth style every few months, like you can your hair. * Transhuman augmentation of the teeth. * Being sure that a pop culture concept doesn't exist in Japan because you didn't see it in that one Yakuza game you played. * Sharpening your teeth to look like a cat. * The world record for most permanent transformations to look like an animal. * Whether dead people can still be the fastest person in the world. * The world record for most permanent transformations to look like something other than an animal. * How Stalking Cat decided to become a cat. * Wanting to be more like a tiger and having your ears transplanted to the top of your head. * Getting a job as a programmer to fund your body modification plans so you can be the old person you dream about being. * Running plastic tubes from the fake ears on top of your head down to the place your ears used to be. * The major themes of Stalking Cat's LiveJournal. * Seeing someone's LiveJournal post saying just "I start shooting today" and wondering if you should be worried. * Getting back to being old. * Cultivating the witchy vibe when you're not really a witch. * Not having any enormous flowing skirts any more because you moved across the country and they all caught the wind and flew out of the back of the car. * Making a skirt out of chainmail and refusing to twirl it because a four year old lives in your house. * Asking the manufacturer of your favorite towel whether they make bathrobes and they send back a one word email saying "no." * Wanting to look like a dapper old man but hating fashion norms. * Appropriating the parts of fashion that you like while subverting the idea that you're participating in the fashion hierarchy. * Wanting to eventually look like a dapper old man and starting by buying one dapper sock. * Codpieces. * Wearing full plate armor to church or to court. * Stalking Cat's profile page on wikifur.com * The Romans enslaving so many Slavs that Slav becomes their word for it. * All the different times that nature has evolved a tree. * Palm trees not really being trees and just being weird grass. * A plant deciding to get tall where the sun is and reinventing wood. * Languages borrowing words from other languages and then giving them back after completely changing the meaning. * Whether Italy has any Pizza Huts. * Trying to cover a song by a singer with a weird accent and discovering that you need that weird accent for the song to work and deciding if you're willing to adopt the weird accent for your cover. * English poetry that is too old. * A two year old pronouncing pork katsu as "pork costume." * Dressing your two year old in pork for Halloween like the tiny ham he is. * Really giving somebody the pork costume. * Realizing your best work is behind you when you haven't done anything notable. * An entirely sideways mouth that has fallen off your face. * Chekov's Book. * A throne but you can poop in it. * Hiding a piece of matzo somewhere in your house on Passover and eventually your house fills up with matzo. * Yelling at your coworker for only using the "slight smile" emoji because they weren't happy enough. * Image searching for the Unicode character "slight smile" and seeing a field of smiley faces that are just the classic yellow smiley, but then there's one that's this smirking douchebag. * How autocorrect ought to be able to code switch based on who you're talking to and what you're talking about. * Walking around the house and discovering that you can't use the word "okay" in the kitchen. * Putting the sparkles on top of the brain. * Trying to talk about bringing your head below something and autocorrect is like "did you mean: fucking" * Youtube's automatic captioning now censoring swear words. * Censoring swear words by replacing the word "shit" with a picture of shit. * Whether the eggplant emoji would ejaculate from the stem end or the bulb end. * Squeezing mayonnaise out of the stem end of an eggplant emoji squeeze bottle. * The tone deaf and the tone hearing. * Being surprised to meet people who can't sing at all, even though you just met someone like that a couple days ago. * Hearing a pitch and having no idea whether it's higher or lower than what you're singing. * Not letting anyone into your painting club who can't distinguish red and green. * Greyie Pie. * Applying a deuteranopic filter to a My Little Pony episode and instantly being incredibly depressed. * Not knowing the right answer but the person in your head heckling you does.
A Rationale For Mountains

A Rationale For Mountains

2020-11-2301:12:01

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Jonah * https://works.rip/ * Aaron * https://aaronsee.media/ku.html Topics: * Graffitti based arguments * Unphysical physically-motivated procedural content generation * Mandelbulb: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTpbP5BVtiA * The inventor of "None Pizza With Left Beef" went on to create "Young Sheldon" * The 10th anniversary of None Pizza Left Beef: https://gizmodo.com/reflections-on-the-10th-anniversary-of-none-pizza-with-1819692097 * Jesse asks: "Hobo code" * https://www.popularmechanics.com/technology/a25174860/hobo-code/ * Designing a game around semantic prime theory Microtopics: * A game that is not about toppling governments. * Seeing a political message spray painted on the wall and painting a reasoned response beneath it. * Going around Athens and restenciling graffiti to be more legible. * Going to the bathroom to catch up on the latest stall graffiti. * Graffiti as art versus graffiti as a forum for communication. * Seeing that there is no graffiti on the bathroom walls at your new office job and bringing a mechanical pencil to work in order to get the party started. * Sticker bombing your school with stickers saying "good source of fiber" and "for rectal use only." * The potential of industrial glues. * Waiting for a telephone pole to be covered with posters thick enough that you can carve a room out of the posters to have your band practice in. * A city on a massive hill where the hill is made of all the previous cities that were conquered in that place. * The best edible band flyer glues. * Generating Perlin noise and picking an elevation for the water level to generate your video game world. * Simulating tectonic plates to generate your video game world. * Exploring the Mandelbulb. * A rationale for mountains. * Making an apple pie from scratch and having to invent the universe, except it's not an apple pie, it's an alien planetary body. * Attempting to solve a problem with no reasonable way to validate your solution. * Doing world building but it's not just putting orcs in a mountain range inventing a way for planets to work that is not plate tectonics. * The new Frog Fractions game spoiling for all of pop culture including itself. * A photograph of a disc of plain dough with meatballs scattered loose in the box. * Hacking the Domino's garlic bread by ordering a pizza with just garlic on it. * Hatewatching your favorite sitcom. * Moving to Greece and everybody finding out that you're a nerd and being like "oh I know what your favorite show is." * Making a TV show where the whole joke is that the main character has Asperger's. * Finding Chuck Lorre's email address and writing to ask why the show is called "The Big Bang Theory." * One level of pun connoisseurship up from "what's up dog" * Ungoogleable questions such as "why is the show called 'big bang theory'" and "what is the volume of a parakeet" * Finding out the volume of a parrot via water displacement. * Emailing every combination of letters at gmail.com and asking them all why the show is called "the big bang theory" and hoping that one of them is show creator Chuck Lorre. * A duck that means "free telephone" * The canonical hobo object. * Sitting around the fire with a lead mug you're drinking chili out of. * How often you need to pretend to faint. * Reading Wikipedia aloud and going "huh!" * An alternative Topic Lords podcast with train noises dubbed over it. * Recording a podcast where you read a stack trace for ten minutes and your seatmate moving to a different place on the train. * A podcast episode where the host gets carted off in handcuffs and yells "avenge me!" and hits upload with their toe. * Being arrested on live TV and your fans assuming that it's another mysterious lore drop. * The optimal minimal subset of all languages. * The 65 words that can express any human idea. * A Pinteresty soundbite of knowledge. * Deep philosophical conversations with your toddler. * A semantic substrate that is our natural world. * Persuasive systems having some fundamental level of plausibility because at some level the system has to function. * Making a career out of building persuasive systems. * Overcoming difficulty with persistence. * Telling the story of overcoming difficulty with persistence via a masocore platformer. * A couple of sentences on a sheet of paper that you then enact. * Investigating an opaque system and taking away a message. * Some Frank Lantz tweet threads. * The indie game community transitioning from focusing on game design to focusing on art design. * How juicy you should make a game. * How good the screen shake was on Rod Humble's "The Marriage." * Spreadsheets like you've never felt them before. * Cracking knuckles on the juice hose. * Eating the concept of frying something.
Ethical Snorlax Pasture

Ethical Snorlax Pasture

2020-11-1601:13:11

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Laura is @lmichet on Twitter and just shipped A Monster's Expedition. * JP is @vectorpoem on Twitter. Topics: * What is the least horny sport? * Best task-tracking software. Definition of "best" here is not necessarily the one you think has the best features, but the one you used longest and with the best attitude. Which is that? * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kanban is an entire scheduling methodology, not merely the board-and-card-based task system used by various Scrum etc teams. * All comments relating to our critiques of git can be directed to highlyvaluedgitfeedback@whitehouse.gov * Driving around with a photo of yourself on your vehicle * Timothy Dalton's character in Hot Fuzz: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfICiLbwz8I (that 1-second clip captures the visual gag but not the comedic timing; good enough) * The Giant Eddie Murphy Head trailer thing was part of a promotional campaign for the 2008 movie "Meet Dave", and that one specific photo of it in highway traffic went viral. Neil Cicierega used it as the profile image for his last.fm page, and so it showed up as the album art for all non-album Lemon Demon tracks. https://kottke.org/08/06/eddie-murphys-giant-head https://www.reddit.com/r/tumblr/comments/c6m2nn/doesthisremindyouofsomething/ * Stephen asks: "A fictional world, the discovery of which prompted global obsession and study which gradually allowed Tlön to bleed into and eventually replace the real world. Kind of like the internet." * Safety-proofing your house to keep a Pokemon in it, if Pokemon were real--what would this entail? Would you do it, or just give up on having a Pokemon? * An animal's cuteness being weaponized to promote its own exploitation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hL4b0Pc1xIs * You can send one print of a single film of your choosing back to 1960. What film do you choose, and why? * Ferris Bueller supplements his own bodily function noises with an E-mu Emulator II. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ATkUqWssSGc Microtopics: * Typing in all lowercase because anyone who uses capital letters is a cop. * The Lowercase Age. * Capital letters and punctuation reflecting a certain social context. * Whether Laura has ever spoken to someone in person. * A very chill video game with cute jokes in it. * One of the better ways to enjoy life. * The eSport played by the oldest people. * Car Lords. * The hypothetical horniness of the train similar speed running scene. * Whether you can be fired from your train job in Train Simulator or is you're just shot on the spot. * The height of golf's horniness ceiling. * The horniness differential between simulated golf and real life miniature golf. * A medieval shepherd saying "caring for sheep in the Scottish Highlands is a low demand activity so I'm going to use this stick to hit rocks and eventually a sport will coalesce." * Not wanting to guess how to say "coalesce" in a Scottish accent. * Not wanting to call your coworkers at 9pm, the devil's hour. * Hiring a sensitivity reader to figure out how to respectfully create a pinup calendar of accents around the world. * A sample of Meg Ryan faking an orgasm. * "When Harry Met Sally" faked orgasm sound board. * Admiring the UI of task tracking software. * Using a text file to do task tracking. * An ignorant caveman who is working harder rather than smarter. * The miserable state of programming tools (compilers excepted) * How if GitHub had built their web site around any VCS, it would now be the dominant VCS, but it would be weird that they called it "GitHub." * Using SVN to talk to GitHub. * Game development putting the folks who can get value out of Git alongside the folks Git just makes miserable and forcing them to collaborate somehow. * Data mining your blood sugar levels over time. * Data mining your enamel pin collection. * Complaining that your wife really likes her new baby. * Having your phone number on your car so that if someone doesn't like your driving they can give you a call. * Decals on your rear window with stick figures representing every member of your family, with their social security numbers beneath them. * The parallel reality where everyone has their faces on their car and PictoChat on their DS so you can drive up to someone you recognize on the freeway and send them a drawing of a dick. * Not being willing to put a photo of yourself on your car but covering your tiny electric motorcycle with them. * A helmet with a huge depiction of your face, like you're in big head mode. * Gigantic electric skateboards with wacky shocks. * Eddie Murphy driving Eddie Murphy's giant head car. * Coopting someone's write-in to talk about manufacturing gaskets. * A question that makes you feel inadequate so you resent it. * Learning how to make gaskets because everyone who works at the gasket manufacturer needs to know how to make gaskets. * Gasket manufacturing equipment probably cutting rubber with a laser or maybe a big knife. * A chore wheel by which everyone at the company eventually does every job. * Treating all of humanity as a single organism, and not in the gross "this disadvantaged person needs to take one for the team" kind of way. * Gasket perishability. * A gasket failing and causing a terrible disaster because it was left on the front porch too long. * Having a plant product like perishability. * A piston seal pointing its piston tusks at the ground and launching itself into the air. * The fantasy of having a little animal who is in fire. * A dog or cat already being able to mess up your house pretty bad even though they don't have pyrokinetic powers. * Not being willing to give any dog you've ever met elemental magic powers. * A Problem Charmander. * The entire Pokemon universe is a hologram running on a GameBoy. * Whether you can be held legally liable for your pet Charmander burning your neighbor's house down. * Training your grass-type Pokemon to repeatedly fire solarbeam at your solar panels. * The ones who walk away from Nomekop. * The Pokemon species that became dominant and enslaved all the others. "Human human!" * Spending enough time in nature to develop a personal opinion about nature. * Journeying through the world and having fun equitable relationships with magical creatures. * The only anime that is about adults rather than teenagers. * Sending space movies back in time to feed the conspiracy theory that the moon landings were faked. * Repeatedly sending the sports almanac back in time to construct an optimal run of 20th century sports betting. * Sending a sports almanac back in time to everyone so everyone wins every sports bet. * Sending a white dude back in time so that a white dude can invent rock and roll.
Burger Crimes

Burger Crimes

2020-11-0901:06:43

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * April is @aprilsaur on Twitter. * Freddie is @fwong on Twitter. Topics: * Burger opinions * Revisiting Breath of the Wild * Taking care of a kid for 8 hours a day is making me doubt my chronotype * Dennis asks: "Vtubers" * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virtual_YouTuber Micro topics: * Finally, a place for topics. * A podcast that is surprisingly not a BDSM podcast. * Being the best town for chili with spaghetti because nobody else bothered. * A very good part about a hamburger. * The potential utility of a hamburger. * Wanting each bite of a foodstuff to contain every ingredient. * The sleeping baby preventing you from going to Five Guys. * A very specific smell manufactured in New Jersey that does not trigger any kind of nostalgia at all. * Deciding to stop cooking your fries in beef tallow and needing to add a fake scent to get the old smell back. * A burger joint that is the love child of In-N-Out and Dairy Queen. * Rating hamburgers by their mouth hinge requirements. * The ideal order of ingredients in a hamburger stack. * Putting a tomato between the patty and the slice of cheese in a cheeseburger. * Burger crimes. * Becoming convinced that Democrats really ought to be armed. * Years of playing Call of Duty and Counterstrike training you for your role in the revolution. * Years of playing The Sims training you for your role in the revolution. * Whether George Washington was a gamer. * Playing Breath of the Wild long enough to see the cool opening vista and thinking "I definitely don't want to go to these mountains." * A very American Truck Simulator approach to playing an open world game. * Winching yourself out of the mud. * The experience of drawing a map in order to understand your surroundings. * Two weeks worth of photos of your TV. * Trying to distinguish whether a childhood feeling of a video game came from the game design or came from being a child. * Designing puzzles that demand the player take physical notes. * The fun of inconvenience. * Playing D&D and catching the cartography bug. * Capturing the joy of a blank piece of paper. * A game about paperwork. * The video game expanding beyond the executable file you run. * Gambling with the game's demo to change the full game's price. * What it would take to stream Breath of the Wild. * Tiny little leaf people hiding all over the world each hovering with a tiny leaf they spin like a helicopter blade. * Hestu's incredible maraca dance. * Tattooing the entire DK Rap across your back. * An attractive person remaining attractive even when wearing a goofy outfit. * Staying home to take care of your kid and not sending them to daycare during a pandemic. * Changing your sleep schedule from waking up at 11am to waking up at 7am. * Vitamin D: turns out we need it. * Being unable to sleep in even though you used to be a sleeping in champion. * Being tired because it's the end of the day. * Making dinner and becoming a puddle on whatever surface you happen to land on. * Going camping because you have a kid when you would never care enough to go camping if it was just you. * Downloading Youtube tutorials on how to split a log so you can impress your kid when you go camping. * Using digital puppetry to make an anime avatar play video games on Twitch. * Cranking out content 24/7. * Livestreamers taking a vacation and losing 20% of their viewers. * The Tupac hologram except playing Fortnite on Twitch. * Producing a CG animation TV show where all the animation is live puppeteering. * Exhuming Tupac so you can do a body scan for the hologram concert tour. * Indiana Jones except with a really tiny head. * The career prospects of Indiana Jones themed strippers.
Stab 'Em Into Place

Stab 'Em Into Place

2020-11-0201:02:56

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Adina is @FeyTechnologist on Twitter. * Alex is @ThemsAllTook on Twitter. * https://www.youtube.com/user/adiener Topics: * Anarcho-communism for basic bitches * How I overcame my inability to stick with a project for the long haul * https://pomodoro-tracker.com/ * Simulating the fluidity of natural group conversations in voice chat * Stephen asks: "The Damascus steel of maze generation algorithms" * https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20190919-the-maze-puzzle-hidden-within-an-early-video-game * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fastinversesquare_root * The hidden worlds of each person's living space * Learning every craft to become the ultimate craft wizard * https://consumerist.com/2016/12/12/a-few-pen-strokes-on-this-mcdonalds-coffee-cup-give-warmest-greetings-a-new-meaning/ Microtopics: * Fabric and circus arts. * Getting private trampoline lessons at the largest nonprofit circus in Seattle. * Being happy with an audience size that doesn't require you to moderate very much. * Forming smaller communities to take care of the people left behind by large governmental systems. * Empowering smaller communities to take care of each other. * Knowing your neighbors and caring more about them than people you don't know. * Cultivating a neighborhood to make sure you live near people you want to know. * The long term viability of the nuclear family. * A commune of queer people funded by a couple of tech jobs. * Motorizing two wooden planks and hooking them up to the internet to get hugs online. * Getting a whole lot done when you don't have internet access but now there's internet access everywhere. * Adding a physical ritual to a mental activity to make it feel real. * Putting the tomato on a different shelf to indicate that you are done with it. * An accountability mailing list where people might hypothetically judge you for what you haven't gotten done. * Fake accountability that feels real. * Trying to replicate a warehouse full of indie game devs on Discord. * Asking you for friends' lunch table to be enlarged so you can fit. * Writing a Discord bot that replicates the chat of every voice channel in every other voice channel. * Solving a social problem with social change rather than software. * How many clicks it takes to switch chat rooms. * Running through a procedurally generated maze. * Doing floating point math by aliasing the bytes to an integer and subtracting it from a weird magic number. * Code that is so self contained and stable that it's not really a problem that nobody understands it. * Old programmers retiring and their knowledge leaving with them because they didn't document anything. * Writing a megabyte long brain dump of everything you know about a project before it leaves your head. * The talk Jim didn't give describing the shaving cream technology in Glittermitten Grove. * Being too tired from your shaving cream rendering R&D project to do a good job on your beard rendering R&D project. * Wario Ware except with relaxing minigames rather than stressful ones. * Porting your game from modern systems to MS-DOS so you can sell it on a floppy disk. * How scratch and sniff failed where a Smell-O-Vision video gaming peripheral will succeed. * A swear filter but for smells. * The Femicom museum. * Going for walks around your neighborhood and seeing the outside of someone's house. * The hidden interior of a stranger's home as an allegory for their unknowable mind. * Peeking into your neighbor's window whenever you get the chance. * Which service jobs let you go into people's houses and see how they live. * How it's okay to let the cleaning service employees see your secrets because you don't consider the working poor to be real people. * Whether house cleaners get a small amount of joy in knowing the weird secrets of rich people. * The guy who comes in every few months for repairs because your computer is completely full of porn. * Seeing someone's deepest darkest secrets and being like "it was aight" * Wanting a nicely interior-designed house but not wanting to put in any effort. * Wanting to paint your house and painting one wall and thinking "I'm good." * Getting the kind of paint that seems like a normal wall color but changes to a garish color after it dries, to fool your wife. * Being ready to learn all the new hobbies as lockdown starts but someone already bought all the sewing machines and felting needles. * How many more ways you can fuck up a sewing project vs. a knitting project. * Pulling out all the stitches in a pleated skirt for the third time and deciding you want a different hobby. * Taking natural animal fibers and stabbing them into place. * A sewing project having to hang on someone's body in a particular way. * Learning every game development skill so you can make games without ever talking to anyone. * Smearing goo on a white surface and it becoming a picture somehow. * The hobbies we'd have if we had infinite time. * Looking at a painting and seeing which parts the painter messed up by looking for the parts that are thickest. * The "warmest greetings" coffee cup. * The animated gif where they poke a hole in the coffee cup and coffee spurts out. * Making a d-pad feel like a fresh control scheme by attaching a jetski to it. * Inventing a solution while also entertaining your audience. * Co-op TIS-100, where each player gets their own CPU cell.
Pedialyte Teargas

Pedialyte Teargas

2020-10-2601:03:42

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Danny is @dannyBstyle on Twitter and plugs vaping. * Alex is @adlleong on Twitter and plugs the Ian Knot shoelace tying method. https://www.fieggen.com/shoelace/ianknot.htm Topics: * Invisible walls in games * BluBlockers * Bees take their lives into their hands every time they get thirsty * Nick Asks "♪ God only knows what I’d pee without poo ♪" * My wife is afraid of dogs that wear people clothes * Every response to "thank you" is rude * The multivarious ways being a child genius can screw you Microtopics: * The good content. * Some kind of invisible wall. * What we already know about Blaseball. * A fantastic way to keep the player inbounds. * Manically trying to explore this island while on the run from the military. * Cops being the yetis of life. * Blizzard blowing up your best party spot by shipping the final Ironforge Airfield. * Whether Microsoft will ruin Bethesda games by making them fix all those fun bugs before launching. * Fixing all the bugs in your game by applying The Cloud to it. * Playing the Turok remaster and they ruined it by removing all the fog. * Going to Canadian Tire because you live in Canada now. * The most technologically advanced sunglasses you can buy. * A Geordi Laforge type of deal. * Dipping your whole head in the black film you use to watch solar eclipses so you can get a good night's sleep. * How to get back from Canada. * Canada being so polite they even let the smoke in. * Still not being able to do a Canadian accent after two years. * Moving to Vancouver expecting a frozen wasteland. * Thrill-seeking bees refusing to wear their masks. * Being stung by one of those wasps that look like bees and being scared of bees for decades. * Whether insects have the capacity for complex emotions such as vengeance. * Why Danny isn't doing better if unbridled anger is such an evolutionary advantage. * Replacing creative workers with AI that you can pay in exposure. * Whether "brown area" is a less racist term than "gray area." * Seeing the most enormous dog butthole and screaming inside your heart. * Trimming back the hair around your dog's butthole to make it look bigger. * A poster with a dog butthole in it saying "Have you seen this butthole? Now you have." * Doing AI upscaling on the picture of the dog butthole that looks like Jesus so we can see the true face of God. * Assholes being okay until the poop comes out. * A human proportioned body with a dog head. * A therapy session by proxy. * Why dog clothes only cover the butt in Canada. * Dogs wearing ties on PBS. * Saying "my uncanny valley is just really wide" to your partner every night before bed instead of "I love you." * Moving to Canada expecting everyone to be polite but they're just rude with an "eh" after it. * A full-throated "hey." * The most terrifying thing about being in Canada. * Whether anyone has checked on the Canadian bacon. * Writing to Tim Horton and demanding that in Canada Canadian bacon just be called "here bacon." * A new credit card payment device where you need to punch in your zip code with your nose. * Enacting publicly-funded health care so that everyone can afford to grow a moustache and use StachePay. * Leveraging your raw intelligence to do your school assignments, rather than learning the material, and eventually hitting a brick wall because you've never actually learned anything. * Getting along better with your teachers than with other kids, because you want to talk about what Gorbachev is up to. * Getting through school and several jobs without ever learning how to work. * Thriving when given instructions to follow. * The shame of discovering that just because the school system worked for you, that doesn't mean it'll work for everyone. * Walking around wearing a t-shirt saying "ask me about the pledge of allegiance" and leaving a trail of horrified Canadians in your wake. * Taking your four year old to protests because now they have tear gas made out of Pedialyte. * Being $300 deep into the Dark Souls series but still not liking any of them. * Replaying old video games because playing new ones is too stressful. * Revisiting old media you've liked not because of the story but because it puts you in a place or mood. * Deciding to play a game because of its aesthetics and then having to find out what the game is like moment to moment and whether you want to do that with your life. * How Animal Crossing New Horizons probably saved the human species. * Only having so many button presses before your joints start to hurt. * Whether in Japan, every time you enter or leave a room, you have to politely listen to someone recite a prepared speech at you for 30 seconds, like in Animal Crossing.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Jenni is reachable at jenni@jennipolodna.com. * Chris is making cooking videos at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCRsnCRAIi-VsRPPX4AtzVGQ/ Topics: * Possibly having doppelgangers in the same physical universe on the other side of the Big Bang is creepy * Never interfacing with the cool parts of baseball because the front-facing parts didn't appeal to you * https://music.metafilter.com/8889/Jaylen-Please-Dont-Bean-My-Man * The two kinds of people: people who can just put a dish in the dishwasher and be happy with the outcome, and people who have to wash each dish by hand before putting it in the dishwasher, in which case what's even the point? * Miko asks "John Joseph Merlin (!) introduced the world to roller skates by rolling into a costumed ball, playing a violin, and immediately crashing into a mirror because he hadn't invented brakes yet." * The virality of the Cool S * AZ is the only state in the union where you can get one of every kind of venomous animal in your yard in the same day, I think (edit: except marsupials?) * Ancient magicks and the price we pay for them Microtopics: * The Korean spam company that owns the Video Games Taco domain name. * Who owns the Video Games Taco AOL keyword. * Editing video on an iPhone because you spilled coffee on your computer. * Refusing to use your girlfriend's salty leavings to edit video. * A symmetrical big bang implying an identical doppelganger Earth across the universe. * Traveling across the universe to destroy your big bang doppelgangers with the understanding that they want the same thing and will meet you halfway. * Arguments that exist only to depress people because you can't do anything with the information. * Whether or not the Big Bang knew about mirrors. * Higher order thought leading to the possibility of altruism. * The Chris Hegemony. * An automatic eternal baseball simulation. * Guessing what the cool part of baseball is and getting partial credit. * Speaking moistly and carrying a wet stick. * Voting to open the forbidden book and now the umpires can incinerate you. * MMO players voting in a law against running stoplights and expressing the devs to write code to enforce it like it's the law of gravity. * MMO players designating certain players to run around and hit you with a stick until you stop breaking the rules. * Finding out about Blaseball by dating and living with someone who is really into Blaseball. * Refusing to read Homestuck because you've already read Problem Sleuth. * Baseball having interesting rules but steadfastly refusing to market itself to game nerds. * When the sausages would race. * Whether there is Canadian bacon in this sausage race. * Finding the web site that keeps track of the sausage mascot race results. * Whether or not the chorizo sausage costume is wearing a sombrero. * Trading the player who assaulted the sausage mascot to the Chicago Cubs. * The sausage race promotional posters having surprisingly interesting composition. * Performing an act of necromancy on Jaylen Hotdogfingers. * Recreating the experience of people talking about a sport you don't follow except for a fake sport. * A first-person confessional of what it's like to be a racing sausage. * Finding out that the sausage races are never fixed and feeling relief that you can still believe in something. * Whether you grew up trusting dishwashers. * How to get stabbed in the hand. * Having dish-related trauma. * Having an incredibly high spoon to fork ratio. * Your spaghetti spoon. * Taking a saw and turning any spoon into a fork. * Loading the silverware drawer with four slots full of murder sporks pointing the wrong way. * Existing for four nanoseconds and spending all four being angry about how your husband wants to load the silverware drawer. * God blaming you when they were the one who made the universe deterministic. * Refusing to take the dish out of the dishwasher if it's still dirty, because god dang it you did your part. * Punting a task to when you have more brain. * Whether viewing your future self as a separate person is universal or distinct to American psychology students. * Doing a study for the beer money and screwing up the study because you're ordering beer online during the study. * Hearing about a "costumed ball" and picturing Pom Pom in a Halloween episode. * Not giving the inventor of roller skates too much credit because he didn't think of putting all the wheels in a row. * Inventing the car and debuting it by driving into a petting zoo, honking La Cucaracha and trying to steal novelty hats off of the racing sausages. * Determining whether you need to steal the hats off of the sausages while they're racing or if you can wait until they've taken the hats off at the end of the day. * John Joseph Merlin's fart remover. * The Cool S of topics. * Growing up in a parallel Earth without the Cool S. * People in the Amazon Basin who've never seen Goatse or the Cool S. * Waking up in a world without the Cool S and getting to be the one who teaches all the kids who can't draw how to draw one cool thing. * Finding the Cool S in a painting from 1533, right above the hidden anamorphic skull. * Neither the Animorphs or the Digimons having been invented in 1533. * Putting a skateboarding dog in American Gothic. * Going back in time to hide the plot of 50 First Dates with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore in the Edda. * Arizona's death of poisonous marsupials. * Gila Monsters being enraged at the sight of human testicles. * Finding a black widow, a scorpion and a Gila monster in your yard all in the same day. * Importing tropical plants without phyto certificates. * Befriending the guy you met at the Sprint store. * The kind of person who seems cooler while they're working at the Verizon store than on Twitter. * Clinging to any shred of humanity you can find in the Sprint shop. * The wizard explaining that it's going to be another hour when you can see your curse amulet right there on the counter. * Apple biting Star Trek's style * Sitting down at the genius bar and ordering a Roy Rogers. * Apple running a contact tracing program so they can find out if you know any Android users. * Finally deleting your Facebook and feeling free.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Ben is not on the Internet but is just happy to be here. He recommends Lindsay Ellis, an excellent film critic: * https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCG1h-Wqjtwz7uUANw6gazRw * Ryan is The Man Who Messed Up Walking His Dog So Badly It Made The News. * http://ryannorth.ca/ * https://twitter.com/ryanqnorth Topics: * Being able to cook a recipe from your mind without being able to explain how. * Every recipe has a step called "to taste" that is a mini version of this. How much salt, pepper, chili powder and cumin do I add to these chilaquiles? I donno, it's just muscle memory. But the muscle memory only works for three eggs. More or fewer, I screw it up. * How many times a day do you remember something stupid you've done in the past? Am I normal and developing as I should? * The Ice Magic jingle in Ben’s head for the rest of his life: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0rfL9d4MDJY * I miss making a game that was immune to bug reports. * Dan asks: "What would we have in common with intelligent aliens? It seems common for analytical-minded people to claim that mathematical theories are discovered rather than invented. There's a programming theory personality named Phillip Wadler who's claimed that if we met aliens, they would have Lambda Calculus. Another programming personality (on the 'math is invented' side) posted a hypothetical conversation between a human programmer and an alien programmer that went like this: * Human: How do you avoid race conditions? * Alien: We just look at the different futures and pick one without data races. * Alien: How do you calm arithmetic when it's angry? * Human: Our math is not sentient." * The Atari 2600 screenshot Jim was thinking of: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arecibomessage * What's the worst thing you've ever put in your mouth? * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pacificrazorclam * Flake in Australia is a deep fried fillet of fish you can order at fish and chip shops: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flake(fish) Usually about the length of a dinner plate. * Nintendo Labo is an industrial design marvel. * Watch someone transform a Nintendo Labo keyboard into an actual synth! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CjLOElL0rY * Has anyone else noticed that long-anticipated events eventually "happen" and are thereafter "in the past"? * For years my personal blog was the top internet resource for earlobe cysts. Microtopics: * Traveling to E3 from Australia. * Making games for the Nokia N-Gage. * Just now realizing that "Squirrel Girl" rhymes. * Bluffing your way through a title pun because there's limited time in a game jam. * A pun that you need to be both from England and New Zealand to get. * Procedures for recreating an unknown recipe when the recipe changes as it's observed. * A discrete series of steps that can be reproduced * A bottomless measuring cup that keeps track of how much a substance that passed through it. * A measuring cup that tells an anonymous third party you how much of a thing it holds, but doesn't tell the user. * Whether or not anything comes up if you search the internet for minestrone soup recipes. * Getting owned on Twitter after posting about the Ship of Theseus. * Feeling dumb and then later feeling dumb about how you felt dumb. * The mortifying ordeal of being known. * Dismissing intrusive thoughts with a vocal tic or a spasm. * Remembering advertising jingles from the 1980s all the goddamned time. * Whether or not the Zest jingle invented the word "zestfully" * Corporations owing serious back rent on the space in your brain taken up by advertising jingles. * Crackly choc-ice. * Going into a deep existential dread about a forty-year-old t-shirt. * Calling it the "WC" when it takes way longer to say "WC" than "water closet" * Asking the waitress where the toilet is and she gives you a weird look and says "in the bathroom, sir." * Offering your top hat for the nobleman to micturate into. * Having an audience who sees cool literary references in your work and assumes you did them on purpose. * Writing an impossible season cliffhanger believe that you're quiting the show, but then not quitting the show and having to somehow resolve the cliffhanger. * The biggest spoiler being whether or not a work is good or not. * Living vicariously through someone watching your favorite TV series for the first time. * Meeting an alien race with sentient math. * Having just the one math but being certain that it's the only math. * Doing your best to communicate with intelligent aliens but you can't think of anything to talk about. * Only trying to contact alien races that you have enough in common with to meaningfully communicate. * What kind of math a salt-leech would invent. * Coherent systems of mathematics that don't reflect reality. * Maths that would hypothetically reflect reality better than ours, and how ours could do better. * The guy waking you up from your cryogenic sleep explaining to you that we know how to divide by zero now. * Knowing that if the laws of physics change, your program will break. * Recompiling once a year to make sure your program breaks when mathematical laws are updated. * Realizing that the anecdote you're about to tell actually happened to your brother, not you. * Discovering that ants are extremely sour. * Ordering a shark kebab and the guy asks if you want crickets on it and you're certain you misheard him so you ask "what are those?" and he says "they're tiny bugs!" * Crickets just being crunchy until you look at them and realize that you're definitely eating an entire being right now. * Being stuck with your lame fish and chips when Australians have badass shark and chips. * Things you learned as a kid and never critically examined as an adult. * Razor clams: the meal that bites back. * Building a fully functional steering wheel, with levers and adjustable dials that click, out of cardboard and rubber bands. * The visual programming environment that comes with Nintendo Labo. * Buying toys for an eight year old when your son is born because one day he'll be eight. * Artisanal reprinted Nintendo Labo cardboard components on Etsy. * Taking your cardboard Nintendo Labo synth on tour and seeing how many gigs it lasts for. * Everybody really wanting to hear Jim's earlobe cyst story. * Jim's primary claim to fame before Frog Fractions. * Jim's top 3 earlobe cyst tips. * Just how deceptively close to the jugular the earlobe is. * Getting to watch a stranger's kid grow up because they don't believe you when you say they've got the wrong email address. * The kind of person who just assumes their email address is their name at gmail.com. * Holding onto the last vapors of 2012 Twitter. * Like finally talking to T-Rex.
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