Claim Ownership


Subscribed: 0Played: 0


Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Kevin * or * * * John Topics: * Reading the other headlines/articles on newspapers in films that flash on screen solely for the headline * * The Game Boy Camera/revisiting the PXL-2000 topic and other toy cameras/tech * Best Halloween candy: candy corn or pumpkin-shaped candy corn? * Icarus, by Edward Field * * Douglas Hofstadter Microtopics: * The James Webb Space Telescope. * The thing you get the most DMs about. * Recording a fan's answering machine message in the Mario Frustration voice. * The guy who "fixed" the NES triangle wave. * Bandlimiting your oscillators. * What the real Lordheads know. * Another place to shitpost. * 3D entertainment. * Deku momentum problems. * The analog stick mod for Mario 64 DS. * A remaster that is in direct conversation with what it's remastering. * The pros and cons of Mario 64 DS. * Abandoned let's-plays. * Waterworld for the Virtual Boy. * Wario Ware and Rhythm Heaven. * How to give Nintendo money in 2022. * Prodigy Child Wins Every Award Given. * Pausing movies to read the nonsense headlines that the prop designers didn't expect you to read. * Pausing the movie to complain about the nonsensical Scrabble game depicted. * A movie about people who don't know how to play Clue. * A mahjongg game that is a literary microcosm of the players' lives. * Leaning across the couch to your girlfriend and saying "that's Chappie's chess game." * Playing Super Mario Bros. with the Power Glove. * The Steam reviews for the 8-bit wrestling game that appears for three seconds in The Wrestler. * The only digital camera that was under $100 in the 90s. * How to get images off of the Game Boy Camera. * Hooking together a TV, VCR, SNES, Super Game Boy and Game Boy Camera and plugging it in with a very long extension cord so you can shoot a movie outdoors. * An in-your-face student film about what happens when computers can detect emotion. * Using your Game Boy Camera as a webcam on Twitch. * The Game Boy Camera's music sequencer. * The Game Boy Camera asking ROM hackers if they are feeling ok. * The Gold Zelda Camera. * The gold Breath of the Wild cartridge that tastes like the Master Sword. * The Cool Cam. * The Lefty RX. * Ranking candy by its volume to surface area ratio. * Getting sick of candy corn naysayers. * Wax Lips: Ya Gotta Eat 'Em! * A powder that's been glued into a little puck. * What the American Oil and Gas Historical Society has to say about wax lips. * The oleaginous history of wax lips. * Edible dinosaur bones. * Bananasaurus Rex-flavored string cheese. * The Genius of the Hero falling to the Middling Stature of the Merely Talented. * Looking back on your best work and knowing you'll probably never best it but still liking your life more now. * A short story with extra line breaks. * Turning any text into a poem by resizing the window so there are extra line breaks. * Robert Altman's follow-up to MASH. * A retelling of Icarus featuring the wicked witch saying a slur. * What it means to be conscious. * Godel, Escher, Bach: I am a Strange Loop except more confusing. * Writing a book for the general public and having to figure out how to make your ideas fun. * Searching YouTube for "Crab Cannon" and only finding music for weirdos and no cannons of any kind. * Martin Gardner's column about math games in Scientific American. * Metamagical Themas. * Using math to do fun space stuff. * Stream Frasier Online Free. * Rubik's Cube except spelled like an asshole.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Dan * * * Shepard * They are known as Earthnova in the Discord and has one published work: Topics: * Only playing narrative/story-driven video games once * Sometimes life is like an adventure game, a skill or item that's useless when you get it is needed years later * Sleng Teng Riddim * * Here's an argument that the riff originated with David Bowie: * Tyger! Tyger! by Robin Johnson * * The internet and college are two great tastes that taste terrible together. * The first time I beat my father at Scrabble * Explaining traffic jams, or at least this one traffic jam Microtopics: * Wanting to see all the stuff. * Replaying a series of four RPG length games to see the alternate endings. * Getting the most video game endings for your dollar. * Tenable and untenable ways to have an adventure. * Recapturing the magic of your first time (with emulators). * Getting every video game you wanted for a system and then enjoying that for 10 minutes. * A giant archive of every DOS game ever. * Losing your nostalgia for old games via emulation, but keeping your nostalgia for the box art. * Falling out of love with Windows Vista. * Keeping your custard pie intact until the yeti needs it. * The bread maker approach to learning a new skill. * Why there are no cupcakes in Frog Fractions 2. * Playing Go against someone better than you and suddenly losing. * The Go community rallying around the identity that computers can't beat the best Go players. * Whether computer Go has shaped the way humans play Go. * An extra creative extra special humany thing. * Beating a chess expert by convincing them to play something else. * John Henry's retirement plan. * Being promised a Yamaha DX7 but receiving a Casio MT-40 instead. * Writing a part for a rock and roll rhythm section that is accidentally a great reggae rhythm section. * The origins of the Amen Break. * Setting up a situation where you can write your own notes. * Figuring out where the genre can go with this new tonality. * Stripy guys and chonky units. * The best kind of tigers. (Floofers.) * Learning about slant rhymes one morning and that afternoon writing a poem that rhymes "eye" with "symmetry." * Blake hearing about the Great Vowel Shift from his grandpa and deciding that that would be a great way to make Tyger! Tyger! sound old timey. * Googling why Blake tried to rhyme "eye" with "symmetry" and finding dozens of implausible theories, all expressed with complete confidence. * Making an impression on the world of poetry by not being good at it. * Hipster throwbacks to the great vowel shift. * Calvin and Hobbes panoply of tiger poems. * Holding off on reading more Calvin and Hobbes tiger poems until you’re done recording the podcast. * Not letting online schooling get in the way of your online education. * Whether someone will figure out how to do a college class online before we transition back to in-person classes. * Whether ASL is especially well suited to bring taught over Zoom. * Doing yard work and wearing protective equipment so you can't pull out your phone to check Twitter. * Lying down in court. * Realizing for the first time that your parents don't know everything. * A framed photo of the one time your mom won at Risk. * The one thing you and your dad are both interested in. * Sports montage of getting better at Scrabble. * Driving or better yet watching movies with cars in them. * Everybody slowing down to take a look at the two headed chicken. * Driving towards a shadow and being blinded by the sun to what's beyond the shadow. * A time loop where the car in front of you slows down for no reason and then you slow down for a good reason but the car behind you thinks you're slowing down for no reason. * A car driving on a road. * Stacking a bunch of human reaction speeds on top of each other. * Slot cars as a fun and disastrous solution to traffic. * The slot car model of public transit. * Finding everybody on the Discord.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Elena * Alexander plugs Topics: * Hosting a party is way better than going to a party * The Pearl Jam Liner Notes method of writing first drafts * Lagrange Point Lasagna * Jonathan Swift, "Ode on the Longitude" * * The theory of spontaneous generation * It turns out Sunday Roasts are a whole Deal * Diagnose my tongue! * * Microtopics: * Unfindable Lords. * The Constant: a History of Getting Things Wrong. * Continuous vs. discontinuous weighted blankets. * People asking you about your life so you have to give them all the necessary context on your life so they'll understand. * A masquerade ball where you receive a quest to find someone wearing a dog mask and talk to them about topology. * The smallest of talk. * A continuous unplanned unstructured talking with each other that you expect to just happen by itself. * Bringing a cheeseboard to a party so you can go sort it whenever the conversation gets awkward * Sorting the cheeseboard from sharp to mild and then sorting the cheese by color but nobody at the party is allowed to actually eat any. * From Infracheddar to Ultrableu. * A sorting algorithm gaining intelligence and trying to understand itself. * Teaching your friends sign language so they'll be quieter at parties. * The weirdness of reading aloud. * Writing while talking. * A species of alien that can follow two conversations at once. * Balancing the complexity of your word choices so your sentence flows nicely. * Writing the most important word of each sentence first and then going back and filling in the rest of the sentence. * Worrying about commas later. * Taking so long to implement the core of your idea that you've forgotten the details. * How to bake brownies that are all edge pieces. * How to bake brownies that's all center pieces. * Sous vide brownies. * People who only like the center of the falafel. * The perfect solution for the person who prefers the grossest part of the brownie. * Opening a portal to the lasagna dimension and scooping some out and feeling safe because there's no e. coli in the lasagna dimension, just lasagna. * Tectonic plates in the lasagna dimension. * Subduction lasagna. * The asteroid equivalent of brownie soup. * Forming trade alliances with the people who live in the air pockets of the lasagna dimension. * Lasagna creationists. * The Earth is a rock lasagna. * Whether lasagna or baked ziti is more likely to be naturally occurring. * Bepst and besht. * A long-standing problem in navigation. * Figuring out how to determine longitude in the Age of Navigation. * Getting kicked out of Cambridge because you don't accept the Trinity. * Firing a cannon at noon so everyone knows what time it is. * Such explosive ships, in such known locations. * A new method for discovering longitude both at sea and land, humbly proposed for the consideration of the public. * The Jewish Space Lasers of the 1700s. * The sense in which GPS is extremely loud. * Putting a log on the fire and salamanders come out. * The riddle where to understand the answer you have to know that bees come from lion carcasses. * How earth used to have enough energy to spawn humans out of clay but now it only has enough juice left to make bugs and snails. * A recipe for scorpions. * The Tragedy of the Sunday Roast. * The St. Tuppensday Brouhaha. * Million Shilling Idea: serving Sunday Roast all week. * Victorian orphans mining for Bitcoin (or "bittums") out on the Playa. * Eating a Yorkshire pudding at a Lagrange point and sopping up gravy from the gravy dimension. * Via Gravia. * Nega-scurvy, where you eat too much fruit and grow extra teeth. * The Yes Ship of Theseus. * That time the Zombies broke up and then had a hit record and then fake Zombies started touring the US until someone from the real band noticed. * The Caramelldansen saga.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * John * * * April * Topics: * Playing Grand Theft Auto 5 because I miss hiking in California * Embroidery * Jokes that three year olds tell * Moondrop's Tale * * Skeleton Jelly: * Survivor * * Excluding certain topics from my Twitter recommendations has never been harder (and also: trying to understand why Russell Crowe keeps showing up in the "suggested posts" of the AshbyBrewery account) Microtopics: * Return of the Beast Lord. * Whether the Beast Lord fucks around. * The Beets Lord. * Hearing clapping and encouragement and assuming it's for you. * Being a tourist in a video game. * Riding a quad bike up Mt. Chiliad. * Getting past the first mission where you need to do violence to a lot of people so you can peacefully explore Los Santos. * Driving down the highway at night and taking a random turnoff into the wilderness and going on a hike in the moonlight. * The Grand Theft Auto V Not Hurting Anybody Challenge. * Taking a self-guided tour of the Bay Area in Watch Dogs 2. * A Short Hike mod for GTA V. * A needle art or craft. * Art vs. Craft. * What is the Citizen Kane of needlepoint? When will we see the first needle that can make you cry? * A piece of physical media that you look at. * Physically doing the thing to make it look like the image you have in your head. * An art form that has been around for as long as thread. * The joy of buying art supplies. * The anxiety relief of various stitches. * A boy who contains multitudes. * Getting dad a sidewalk for his birthday. * Cross-stitch route planning. * Marking notable locations in red. * The only way out. (Through.) * A three year old who wants to do something but delays as much as he can anyway. * A three year old who is just like adults except with way less impulse control. * A work in frogress. * The tale of druid Moondrop Honeysuckle. * A disembodied voice telling you to call it "granny." * The ancient place beyond the dead star in the Ultraviolet City. * Going into a random bar and hearing a poem about your mom. * Granny the Mind Flayer. * Falling sideways through reality and having to fight the big boss. * Recording season 42 of Survivor over Zoom. * The evolution of Survivor meta. * Finding a clue in the crook of a tree. * Throwing the flint into the ocean. * The gif of the two women gasping and the dude behind them smiling. * The Ashby Brewery Twitter account. * Why the algorithm thinks you care about Ratchet and Clank. * How to make Twitter livable on PC vs. on your phone. * The work every internet user puts into not being shown the stuff they don't want to see. * Mark Zuckerberg pointing at his mugger and shouting "See less of this! I'd like to see less of this!" * Eating the rich and having to worry about biomagnification. * Mr. Beer. * The Ashby Brewery and Video Game Studio. * All the Brews That's Fit to Print. * The Ashby Brewery and Video Game Studio quarterly brewsletter. * Being the bee man. * Not using Twitter in a while and Twitter emails you about what Russell Crowe is doing lately. * Extensively DMing Russell Crowe and then blocking Russell Crowe and then forgetting that either thing happened. * Why they call him John Mystery.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Erica plugs increasing optional mask compliance by farting * Jenni plugs birds * Jim plugs metaplugs repeating plugs Topics: * The System, and by extension, The Talenti Cup System * Decentralizing social media is gonna be real good for people not yelling at each other & kinda bad for sharing specialized information * We just taught Winston about "peeing in the woods" when we were going on a hike and now he wants to "pee in the woods" everywhere * * Mark Rosewater designed devil fruits * Esper says: "As a longtime (since 1999, with only one substantial break) Magic: the Gathering player, it does my heart good to hear Mark Rosewater come up. His GDC talk about lessons he's learned in designing games is really sharp stuff (if a little 101 in places), check it out sometime." * Decarbonizing the language Microtopics: * Meta-plugging repeating plugs. * Bee Movie but it’s text to speech. * Increasing optional mask compliance by farting. * Mass: the volume of gas inside you, and how to increase its compliance. * A meme that people teach to each other. * Packing a shoe into a box and opening up a big box of mold years later. * Categories of things that fit into one-pint gelato cups. * The Body Box. * How to make itinerant lifestyles bearable and possible. * Organizing your entire house into the House Box. * Using your Dunbar number to keep track of your house plants. * Getting on Topic Lords by searching "pineapple on pizza" * Social media platforms that are owned by a rich asshole. * Drastically improving productivity in the workplace by banning the email forwarding of news articles. * The overwhelming feeling of shame when you don't have a take on the latest discourse. * Going on Tori Amos AOL chat to talk to your social group. * Buddha's list of 89 things that make you angry. * We've invented a new way to be angry. * Repeating topics because you've forgotten what you were just talking about. * Peeing in the laundry closet and calling it peeing in the woods. * Explaining to a three year old when it's ok and when it's not ok to pee outside. * Pee-ka-boo. * Everything sucks and I have no control over anything but I can poop in the front yard. * Taking increasingly larger shits in Richard Kind's cat box. * How George Clooney gets away with poop modification. * Taking increasingly larger shits in the Li-Cor machine that measures leaf respiration. * Whether playing Tom Jones at work constitutes sexual harassment. * Tom Jones in his leisure suit. * Cleaning up the lyrics to make rock and roll palatable to white people but leaving in the line about the "one-eyed cat peepin' in a seafood store." * Whether it's still sexual harassment if nobody points out that it's sexual harassment. * Jocund company. * Telling the story of the time you saw a bunch of daffodils. * Seeing a bunch of daffodils and shouting "Fuck! These fucking flowers are fucking pretty as shit!" * Conceiving of yourself as an indoor person, separate from the outdoors. * Reading a Japanese dictionary of dirty words and saying "Fuck! These fucking dirty words are fucking good as shit!" * Conceiving of interior spaces as being one with exterior spaced. * You can't unpee the bush. * Finding and eating devil fruits. * Eating the fruit that lets you talk to dragons when dragons don't exist. * Seeing a gun dog and assuming that it was a dog that ate a gun fruit but actually it was a gun that ate a dog fruit. * What happens if you eat a second devil fruit. * Dengue fever creeping up into Texas from Mexico. * The best place to contract Dengue Fever. * Burning the candle at both ends of the day. * Eating the burrito from both ends. * Harvesting the bioluminescent fungus. * Turbines on a windless morn. * Burning solar panels as a fuel source. * The worst thing to happen to Twitter/the best thing to happen to Mastodon. * The Dunbar Number for plants. * Voting someone out of the marriage because there's only room for one person in here.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Nate * * * Fred * Topics: * Why do rice cookers play music but not microwaves? * * If all your needs are met in a utopian society will we still need sports and competition? * Hot Ice, Cool Sounds * Goblin Time by Emma * * Esper says: "My long-held suspicion has always been that humans are generally way less prone to salt-related health issues than suggested by nutritional science. I think a lot of that stuff was ginned up by cigarette companies trying to deflect blame. But I try not to go full-on conspiracy theory about it." * Nerds candy has a Dungeons and Dragons themed box. Is this good for D&D? * If the four horsemen of the apocalypse were recruiting for a fifth member, how would you convince them to hire you? Microtopics: * A shmup about how Microsoft screwed up their Xbox 360 dashboard. * Screaming for 24 hours straight and having a heart attack, or vice versa. * Remastering your obscure protest game and needing to build a museum explaining the context for the protest. * An educational title about how to find games on the new Xbox 360 dashboard. * An infinite runner with extremely awkward horse controls. * Using all the right dark patterns. * Meeting an indie game developer in San Francisco and recognizing him because he's a white guy with a beard and glasses who likes Dark Souls. * A pot that's specifically for rice and it knows when to school cooking the rice. * Only rice cookers get to sing a song. * Installing an AI in your microwave so your microwave can try to murder you. * A codependent washing machine. * Landlords in California doing an end run around renter's rights. * The keyless entry system on your apartment that has a battery backup just so it can play "These Boots are Made for Walking" when it can't let you in because the power is out. * 3D printing some laundry to fold because people are bored in your Utopia. * Extremely soporific TV. * A mashup of music and sports. * Gathering to watch a live band play while a chef makes crepes. * Whether you can be bored while watching two things at the same time. * An orchestra trying to live-score a basketball game. * Trying to listen to an arcade game in the arcade. * Goblins in our community. * A bullet point list of how you can help a goblin. * Spicy radish waffles. * Blackwheat crepes and whether they're really black. * Lemonade crepes. * Dipping a sandwich in mustard. * The pros and cons of salting food. * Chickens laying pre-salted eggs. * Paying a monthly subscription to Monsanto to keep up the injections that make your tongue exude its own salt. * Getting in line to hate Monsanto. * Whether nerds are more or less likely to eat Nerds candy. * A candy for people who forgot D&D exists. * Candy&D. * A series of Nerds-themed D&D campaigns. * Hiring people and paying them. * Star Trek Jeopardy where 70% of the answers are 1980s pop culture because the federation is obsessed with the 80s. * Seeing yet another college sports question in the New York Times crossword and deciding whether to get irrationally angry at Will Shortz. * What Jim embodies that is the worst thing. * Death, war, famine, pestilence, crypto and late-onset melatonin. * John Cleese teaching sex ed in a boarding school. * Starting with death and going downhill from there. * Convincing Death to not kill anyone and Death just rides off and mopes. * Whether the four horsemen listen to podcasts or if the internet is down during the apocalypse. * The four new horsemen of the new apocalypse: crypto, gaslighting, late-onset melatonin and Elon Musk. * How to find people to follow on Mastodon. * How to be a part of a human-sized community. * The Topic Lords subreddit. * The photo of a middle school basketball team that somebody posted to the Topic Lords subreddit. * How to keep spam bots out of your Discord. * Batbarian.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Maxx * * Michael * * Topics: * "World's greatest author Chuck Tingle" * Way of making moving easier, collective tips? * * * Melatonin parenting decisions * Microtopics: * Rabbit nose speeds. * A stranger from Australia handing you a twenty dollar bill. * Lining a trench coat with Steam keys. * How to make Elden Ring feel like a video game rather than a slog. * An incredible variety of fantastical biomes filled with body horror monstrosities that are inexplicably bad at killing you. * Playing Elden Ring with passive enemies * Big columns with massively muscular horsemen. * Sheep curling up into a wheel and rolling away. * Fostering a different sense of what accomplishment means. * Ramps interweaving the stairway. * Going into a spooky house and the house is like "why would you come in here? Can't you see I'm haunted" * Going into a spooky house in hopes of seeing bespoke content. * An author of real books that people think are memes. * A tornado that has a butthole because it must've picked it up with all the other debris. * Lesbian candy corn. * High-functioning chocoholics. * Having sex with the State of California and reading the list of things that the State of California has found to cause cancer. * Making a career out of exploring the weird connections in your own mind. * Writing to Chuck Tingle to ask for more details about the 747's genitalia. * Moving house and then moving house again immediately, to save yourself a packing/unpacking cycle. * Having many shamefully confusing objects and making the movers wear blindfolds. * Making your friends wear blindfolds and rely on LIDAR when they come into your house. * Putting all your vacation souvenirs in storage and going to your storage unit when you want to remember your vacation. * Three drawers of cables organized into power cables, USB cables and audio cables, all neatly constrained with velcro. * Giving your rabbit decoy cables to chew on so that the important cables remain safe. * Throwing away 70% of your stuff. * Whether it's a lie if you have books on your shelf that you haven't read yet. * Apocryphal John Waters quotes. * Having an outfit for hacktivism. * Mounting the spines of books you've read above your hearth. * Data Hands. * A keyboard that doesn't work in direct sunlight. * Foot Mouse and the Data Hands. * Staring into the abyss, wiggling your fingers. * Underwear computing. * Late-onset melatonin generation. * How to deal when everybody in the family gets sick at once. * An island made of bureaucracy. * The fax machine in your underwear computer. * How to pronounce "James" according to Jim's facebook profile. * Armchairing a request for poetry in the rudest way possible. * Streets that duel like coarse teeth. * The matted thing that leaves its woman without the duck. * Hooking your poetry generator up to a receipt printer so people can print a new poem on demand. * Writing a poem and finding out what you meant later. * Soup repair. * A man who is nice on British TV but angry on American TV. * Old Enough! * An extremely relatable two year old. * Being tasked with juicing some oranges and spending the next hour chasing the dog.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Duncan * * * * Avery * Topics: * Judging by the selection on eBay, the 1960's and 1970's seems to have been the golden age of belt buckles. * * The time a parent of my kid's friend said "Do you remember Tetris?" * JVC PocketMail * * The Prelude, by Matthew Zapruder * * Hyperspecific collections * Yiwum, the city in China that produces 60% of all the Christmas decorations in the world Microtopics: * An album that someday will be available on Spotify. * The Mauretania comics by Detective Pikachu. * The kind of work that falls out of relaxation. * The Golden Age of Belt Buckles. * Going into an eBay fugue state. * Promotional belt buckles. * The British obsession with American long haul truckers. * The kind of video game where you have to file copious paperwork before and after you shoot someone. * What Police Quest was before and after Daryl Gates was hired as lead designer. * Whether there were any racist belt buckles in the 1960s. * Buying 20 $2 games for Christmas rather than the one $40 game your kid actually asked for. * Men's names from the 1960s and 1970s. * Hewlett Packard belt buckles. * The personalized belt buckles you'll sell at your merch table when you go back on tour. * A conference about fingers. * Talking to the funeral director before you're dead just in case you die someday. * A point-of-sale system for funeral directors. * Bidding on a Cheeto and getting outbid. * Having It's-Its and That's-Its in the freezer and completing your collection with a What's-It. * Remembering Tetris. * Being a parent and making friends with people you have basically nothing in common with. * Talking to normies about your nerd interests. * Going into the Forever 21 and yelling "Skeletor!" and everybody cheers. * People high-fiving you as you walk down the street in your Wolverine costume. * Listening to an adult man gush about Power Rangers to you and realizing that probably Star Wars isn't any good after all and you just happened to be the right age for it. * Star Wars fans trying to convince each other that being based on the Hero's Journey makes a story good art. * Reading a mathematical proof that Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is actually exactly as good as Raiders of the Lost Ark and having no choice but to believe it. * Remember Tetris? This is a topic about Tetris. * Writing email in the jungle and getting the chance to send it if you survive all the quicksand. * A product using technologies developed by NASA, i.e. one of the programmers drank Tang once. * Dongling things to the Palm Pilot. * An article from 1999 titled "Email on the Move." * Check your pocket… you've got mail! * Preserving your Motorola Razr M in amber so Jim can buy it on eBay the next time he's ordering a batch of Orbitz. * The Linux open source phone that everybody likes but nobody's heard of. * The idea of chocolate. * A disappointing and super creepy bed and breakfast. * Art where the artist has disguised a message for you. * Contrasting a Diet Coke with Coleridge and Wordsworth. * Freedom Power Style Motion. * Having a bunch of Tumblrs and never going on Tumblr. * Hours Played. * A new weird thing that a video game can be. * Collecting tumbleweeds. * A tumbleweed the size of a car that stops at the red light. * Movies from the 1930s giving a false impression of how much you need to worry about quicksand. * Sentient poison oak. * The sentient tumbleweed episode of The Outer Limits. * Consuming media by fast-forwarding to the tumbleweed parts. * A book of polaroids of all your favorite lighting fixtures. * A list of every move in every game that Mario has ever been in. * Desert Chrome. * Drawing a van and airbrushing your drawing of a van. * Jean-Claude Van Dad. * Spending the rest of your life googling "van dad." * Zoning your city by the kind of Christmas decorations sold. * An ocean of booths selling plastic Santa Clauses as far as the eye can see. * The city that sells the other 40% of Christmas decorations. * The Christmas memeplex. * Clone shoes with strange names. * Running shoes for dogs. * A romantic comedy set in the city in China entirely dedicated to selling Christmas decorations.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Cort * * Jenni * Topics: * Novel uses for hundreds of surplus ceramic clown statues * Thinking about household stuff as a system you can design to meet your needs instead of a cultural lifestyle obligation * Sidetalkin' * * Big Black Elephant * * People are reluctant to shift their paradigm in real life but give them a video game & they're all for it * * Games or sports that started out as fictional, but that people actually play Microtopics: * Jenni, she slash her. * A poem that could've been an email. * OST Jam. * If every time you were in a room there was someone else in the room doing the game thing you were doing. * Just trying to enjoy a leisurely video game when suddenly a co-op partner shows up and starts getting impatient with you. * Animals but wet. * Animals but they are in the ocean and don't have legs so they can't kick butt. * The duality of having legs. * The many-faceted world butt. * Try fish: you're welcome. * Becoming deeply involved in the design and production of novelty clown statues. * Who's this unsold clown? * Whether the prenup addresses any of the potential clown situations. * How many clowns could fit in a bed and breakfast. * Monogrammed businessclowns. * How to buy yourself a Lordy. * Sending unsolicited clowns in the mail. * Stacking the clowns until you can ascend to clown heaven. * Cleaning help and support for neurodivergent people to clean our filthy filthy houses. * The act of living in a house and putting things in places. * Keeping your silverware in the freezer. * A house where the forks turn into spoons. * A basket for clothes that are not so dirty that they need to be washed immediately. * Food that is technically rotten but not so rotten that you can't eat it. * The room in your house where the gravity is lower and you float. * Holding a phone up to your face like a taco. * Hundreds of pictures of people holding weird shit up to their heads. * Why all the women are at the end of the page. * Announcing a new consumer electronics device by submitting it to * Side-snorin'. * A fun web site for if you want to look at objects. * A pregnant woman with her belly painted to look like your face. * Copying all the worst aspects of the Virtual Boy. * Whether you want to download jivetalkin.midi. * A poem shaped like something. * Updo bleak curious quiet. * Desert thumbs. * Rather pale pagasus. * A poem that generates its own blurb. * The entire front edge of the pegasus. * Why so political, pagasus? * Any thumb you want it to be. * Defining a thumb by its oppositionality. * Rooting for and with the thumb. * Your boomer aunt who has a really specific idea of gender roles. * Disrupting your toothbrush. * Your beaver farm where the underwear comes down the chute and you feed the underwear to the beavers and put the beavers in the juicer and sell the beaver juice to Lenny who gives you gems you can use to play Scrabble but you only get so many tiles per minute unless you're willing to sit and tap video ads, and whether that's a paradigm shift. * Willingness to think through processes and systems. * A shmup where you control a whale research vessel. * Taking the one skill you have in this life and using it to create heavy handed, ineffective political satire. * Making an exit poll to find out what percentage of players actually learned something from your propaganda simulator game and what percentage just min-maxed the numbers because it was a fun puzzle. * What paradigm you're imagining shifting, exactly. * Every game developer's cottage-core retirement fantasy. * Making video games without ever talking to anyone on Twitter. * Who's the beardy guy dot com. * Scrolling through pictures of beardy guys until you find the right one. * Jugger. * Carrying the macguffin into your opponent's goal. * Arcane rules about who's allowed to touch the dog skull and when. * The global governing body in charge of the rules of Discs of Tron. * The schism in the Jugger community. * Teaching a three year old chess boxing. * Snapdragon. * Taking turns grabbing raisins of a flaming bowl of brandy. * Tucking a clove into one of the raisins and whoever grabs that raisin out of the bowl of flaming brandy gets to stop reaching into the bowl of flaming brandy. * Flaming tennis ball catch. * Calvin Ball, III. * The delicate balance of taking letters out of a username until you get to one that's not taken, before you get to names that are definitely taken because they're so short.
131. GDC Santa Rides Again

131. GDC Santa Rides Again


Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Mike * Kev * Topics * Embracing creative chaos is very hard but paradoxically extremely common? * Thanatosensitivity * GDC happened this year! They really did it * Tarantulas on the Lifebuoy By Thomas Lux * * Being left handed in a right handed world Microtopics: * Wanting to learn to program and moving to Maine. * Learning to program by implementing a meticulous copy of Metroid for the NES. * Choosing to live a life that feels like an anime training montage. * How to learn to program while having kids. * Radical content for radical gamers. * Having one's mind blown by works of art, as one does. * The "stone soup bubblegum and baling wire everything went wrong" method of making art. * What happens when the plan makes contact with the enemy. * Writing a film with the magic of wintertime as a core theme and not being able to get the permit to film until spring. * Iterating on your idea with insights you've gleaned from working on your idea. * Ascertaining the recoverability of any given error. * The kind of disaster that happens when a culture accustomed to low-cost-error problems tries to work on high-cost-error problems. * Improvising bridges. * Programming vs. the disciplined engineering fields. * The pros and cons of storing a bunch of elephants on the roof. * The user experience of death. * Digital ghosts on LinkedIn. * Logging in to LinkedIn for the first time in eight years and getting a bunch of IMs from a friend who died six years ago. * Dealing with your dead friend's estate and having to close out all the relationships they were maintaining on OkCupid. * Thanatechnologies. * The human events taking place on a separate flow of time than internet time. * Slug World. * A human brain computer interaction conference at Noisebridge. * alt.ctrl.GDC * Spending all of GDC on the lawn. * A GDC talk except instead of talking to an auditorium full of 500 people, you're talking to a hotel room full of five people. * The Unconference Phenomenon. * Substance-to-fluff ratios. * Your three GDC lives. * Going to the talks where they talk about the stuff we're doing to figure out how we can do our stuff better. * The ascended platonic GDC. * Getting all Dunbar's Numbered-out and spending all your time talking to people you know. * Showing your game at a conference to increase the odds that one of the seven people at Sony who can get your game into the Spring Fever promotion will walk by and notice you. * Making a leveraged play on your charisma and luck stats. * GDC Santa with the sack of boxed copies of Glittermitten Grove. * A map of TXT World stitched together out of screenshots, like in the good old days. * A greybeard coming out of the woodwork to admire your ANSI art map. * Disrespecting the expo. * Realizing that somebody is about to ask you how your GDC is going and getting the drop on them by asking how their GDC is going first. * Katie hauling off and gassing you up. * The hazards of being Jim Stormdancer. * A reward for not loving the death of the ugly and even the dangerous. * The tangled underworld of your socks. * Pretending to not be afraid of spiders because you don't want your son to be afraid of spiders. * Growing up with rhino beetles in Liberia. * Hog snakes. * The extremely specific feeling of a desperate beetle clinging to your pruny fingertip. * Formative bug experiences. * Millions of termites growing wings to do their big ol' termite sex party. * Sweeping up all the termites who are taking a nap after mating season to fry in palm oil as a special treat. * The morning where the entire town is covered in bugs which sucks but you get to eat them which rules. * Reminiscing about which body parts of a termite are saltiest. * Getting accustomed to eating termites by the time you get to the bottom of the bag. * Left-handed zippers. * Trying to use the wrong scissors and assuming that you have some kind of developmental problem. * The Uniball Jetstream Rollerball, with a pressurized ink reservoir. * The prince who was promised. * Fretting with your dominant hand. * Picking a specific guitar string at speed. * Whether handedness exists. * Drawing with gross motor movements. * Left-handed mugs. * Left-handed drums vs. open-handed drums.
130. Gilding The Lemur

130. Gilding The Lemur


Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Tyriq * * * Stevie * Topics: * Watching TAS videos and wondering how much of what is happening is necessary vs flourish * If Jeff Bezos wanted to recreate Jurassic Park * Chocolate-dipped fruit has such an enormous gulf between perceived effort and actual effort that as a gift giver or potluck attendee you are all but obligated to take advantage * Strong Men, Riding Horses by Gwendolyn Brooks * * The creators of Earthworm Jim: Where are they now? Microtopics: * Tunic. * Finding collectible pages of a game's manual inside the game. * Games in fake languages. * Playing imported games in emulation and trying to figure out how to play even though you don't speak the language. * Curveballs. * A monthly in-person cozy casual game development meetup. * Discovering what people mean by "within" when people say "inquire within." * What happened to all of the art. * What a whale bone smells like after you clean it. * Whether it's grosser to drink bone marrow or eat oysters. * The most charming of all the crabs. * TAS runs. * The various kinds of tools that might assist you in creating a tool-assisted speed run. * Human-Mediated Speed Runs, or HMSRs. * Proving the ideal speed run. * Some kind of sequence that is based on a timer. * When the TAS run does a little dance and you're trying to figure out whether that's important to the run or if they're just killing time. * The game became Snake. * Whether coffee cures or causes cancer. * Like listening in a mirror. * The vapors. * Trillionaires not being as rich as they used to be. * A big big island full of organisms that are just waiting to be coated in gold. * Painting your entire body and dying somehow. * Lemur-friendly paints. * People who've eaten breakfast and then died. * Dipping some shit in some crap. * Watching Food Network to discover the Science of Chocolate. * An attractive morsel. * Pastries with fruit fillings. * A solid cube of a mass of dessert-object. * Taking advice from someone who hasn't even been on several hundred podcasts. * Frantically putting the Topic Lords banner back on your wall when you see Jim approaching. * Releasing Topic Lords episodes. * Shuffling off of this mortal topic. * Making a movie to promote your new chocolate bar. * A type of chocolate that tries to be solid. * Spaghetti-Os as a back formation of Spaghetti-O-ification, which is what happens when pasta passes through a black hole's event horizon. * Using Hawking radiation to retrieve lost Spaghetti-Os from within black holes. * The movie playing the sound of somebody peeing to let you know that now's when you get up to use the bathroom. * A crowd of people doing foley work for a restaurant scene in Murder She Wrote. * Picking somebody for Animatronic Angela Lansbury to murder and then picking somebody for her to pin it on when she solves the crime. * The fine line between true and false. * The fine line between foot and floor. * Desert-eyed, rentless strong men pasted to stars already. * A source of praise for the patriarchy. * Addled by landlords. * Whether being pasted to the stars is good. * The elbow of the topics. * Earthworm Jim. * A muscular goofball earthworm. * Whether you can say "groovy" and still be angry. * A strict no-sequels policy. * Not the thing you're here to talk about. * George "The Fat Man" Sanger. * Wall-E but a Roomba but also one of those 90s wireless phone cradles. * Games you can play for free on the web. * All the good times we had at Blockbuster Video renting movies from Blockbuster Video. * How public libraries still exist and offer more movies than your local Blockbuster Video had and they're free and you keep them for a month rather than two days but nobody gives a shit because libraries don't have branding or advertising. * A perfect solution to a problem that everybody wants solved urgently. * Weirdly buff creatures that should not be buff. * Music band with animal companion solves mystery. * The Dog & The Stoner & The Band & The Ghost. * Queen Slug-for-a-Butt.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Alex * Shannon Topics: * Regional Trash animals * Dynamic water features * The Pee Pee Dance is nowhere to be found on Wikipedia * The Bells, by Edgar Allen Poe * * Recipe essentialism * Sei Shonagon's Hateful Things are relatable * Microtopics: * Striving to sound like a motor that has just been switched off. * A very healthy vasovagal response. * Separating the platelets from the plasma. * Donating blood to anybody on the street with a needle and some brownie brittle. * Determining the blood type of this synthetic fake blood. * Brownies except they shatter like glass between your teeth. * Trashimals. * Visiting a new place and delighting at all the local pests. * Living in Florida and just bumping into crocodiles on the street. * Monkeys climbing your body to steal your food and break your camera. * Fairy penguins nesting in your storm drains. * Scooping rattlesnakes into a bucket, going to a military base and dumping them into the tank cockpits. * Only realizing that it's weird to have a rattlesnake in a jar on your porch when a Frenchman wants to come see. * It's a Canyon Thing. * Finding out that a mongoose is not the size of a goose. * One of the more hazardous trashimals. * Looking out the window and realizing that someone forgot to close the garage door and you're just going to have to wait for that grizzly bear to leave. * The mountain lion who visited downtown Berkeley. * A regular household goose. * Turning off Niagara falls at night. * Seeing behind the veil of the world when Niagara falls gets switched off. * Going to Hawaii to see the milky way. * A universal human experience that remains completely undocumented. * The squeeze and grab strategy. * Something you wouldn't want to sample in Costco. * The tiny sommelier in your butt. * Recipes calling for eggs or milk but not specifying which kind. * Pee shivers. * A reading face for radio. * A sort of runic rhyme. * The rhyming and the chiming of the bells bells bells bells bells bells bells. * Edgar Allan Poe as an emo Dr. Seuss. * The gamut of all the things bells can be. * Adding more bells to the end of each verse. * The Jabberwocky rewritten in the style of incomprehensible in-jokes. * A cake recipe with two ingredients. * Keto-something something cookies. * Mashing the crosshatch shape with a fork. * The Easy Cookbook: Over 100 Satisfying Recipes Made with Four Ingredients or Less. * Ice cream made from eggs and peanut butter. * The fourth ingredient is your car. * Writing a book of listicles in the 11th century. * The way the snow looks on the roofs of the village under moonlight, and how the plebian villagers can't appreciate it. * When one is in a hurry to leave but one's visitor keeps chattering away. * Shameless old people putting their feet up on braziers. * One's attachment to a man depending largely on the elegance of his leave-taking. * Trying to maintain all your clandestine relationships in a palace where the walls are made of paper. * A person who recites a spell after sneezing. * When one is about to be told some interesting piece of news and a baby starts crying. * The exorcist staying up too late and falling asleep in the middle of the exorcism. * All the interesting poetry and prose from a historical era being written by women because the men were expected to write in their second language. * The Empress receives the gift of a phonograph at the dawn of voice recording, and she turns to and is like "uh, figure out something to do with this."
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Jenni * Chris * Topics: * Every tree in this desert is a bean * The statute of limitations on spoilers implies a social contract where we agree to consume media as soon as it's available instead of consuming it at the right time for ourselves * This list of words that men know but women don't, and vice versa * * * Ozymandias by Percy Shelley * * * 41 out of 42 people start life with some time to chill by themselves in the womb but twins don't, what's that like * Oldschool AD&D is hard to start but ultimately less video/board gamey which is great * Wordle speed runs are surprisingly riveting * Microtopics: * Plugging every Xalavier Nelson game. * Standing in a three bean soup. * Everyone's favorite Fire Emblem hero, Spiky Ball Tree. * Sweetgum. * Producing liquid amber but not calling it liquid amber for trademark reasons. * Whether it's possible to have green wood. * A traumatic formative art school experience that you take out on trees for the rest of your life. * Ablative armor. * Spoilers for the first novel ever written. * Seeing Empire Strikes Back dozens of times in the theater while in the womb. * A spoiler policy that makes people hate you. * Getting consent to gaslight your girlfriend about movies she hasn't watched. * Picking a movie line to be the only joke you ever say. * The list of movies for which there is no statute of limitations on spoilers. * Using a pen knife to cut open your forearm to reveal the servomotors inside any time there's a lull in the conversation. * The SpoilOrbs. * Inventing the video game haptics to allow a game designer to kick you in the balls. * Kittencore Dark Souls. * Junji-ito's cat diary. * Clutter in movies. * Hiring excellent schlubby actors. * Back when it was notable and interesting that Linda Hamilton got fit for Terminator 2. * Getting an AI on the job. * Laura Panini. * Live coding skeletal animation. * Rotating around a creepy lady. * Asking if anyone's seen something but nobody has. * When you push the button on the monitor and it goes all wibbly wobbly for a second. * A list going there. * A word that you only know if you read a lot of G.K. Chesterson. * Little Kirbys that help you out in the event of a prolapse. * How nobody in the UK knows what "goober" or "wine gums" means. * Abseiling and rappelling. * Putting "kerbside" on a list of words that Americans don't know. * Polearms that were descended from boar hunting. * Asking a thousand Americans to say yes or no to every word in the dictionary. * The Katana Yakuza Thesis. * Reading poetry in a funny voice. * The kind of person who would end a poem with a semicolon. * Reciting a poem about a guy you met yesterday who told you most of the poem. * Hearing from a guy about a rotting stump of a conquest. * Writing a poem where you meet a guy who tells you about a song that used to be on his iPod that you can no longer download from mp3 dot com. * Yelling at a long dead poet about punctuation. * Poetry about not knowing something but it's unclear whether nobody knows the thing or if it's just the poet's personal ignorance. * Painting ancient Greek statues flesh-colored. * Percy Shelley the nonsense man. * Smash Mouth cancelling their concert at your county fair after they got famous. * How to pronounce "shewed" * What's wrong with looking upon me? * 23 And Me informing you that you have a mom. * The familial incest tab on 23 And Me. * Twins: There's Two Of Them. * Twins in the womb listening to the Empire Strikes Back soundtrack and elbowing each other. * A person who could exist and would be attractive. * Geocities turn of the century vibes. * The t-shirt that Jim's wife bought him. * How Futurama made the name "Hubert" cool but "Pubert" is still no good. * Having six kids and naming them all Pubert. * Naming an ice cream shop "Fucklers" because who can stop you? (The police.) * Fucklers: Sole Owner of my Name Ice-Creamery. * The holding company that owns every disused mascot. * The Hamm's Beer Bear. * Wordle speed run categories. * Mathematicians who debunk Minecraft speed runs. * Trying to invent fake commentary for a sport you know nothing about. * Yelling advice to recorded speed runs. * Watching everybody believe Wordle conspiracy theories. * Comparing notes about reality. * Preferring having friends over being right. * The absolute best time to get off of social media.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Cort * * Fabian * Topics: * Black Square Day (inventing holidays and subsequently forgetting everything about them) * Nostalgia for old computers isn't because they were good, but because they sucked in ways that were simple to understand * The Dirtywave M8 tracker * Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening, by Robert Frost * Microtopics: * The music videos of Max Cooper. * Styptic pencils. * Doing archaeology on your own Google calendar. * A stable time loop where your future self adds "Black Square Day" to your calendar. * Bringing a palindrome to the palindrome party. * Telling your visitors "it's Black Square Day; dress appropriately." * Celebrating the day you really burned the casserole. * Black Squaroling. * A way that your community organizes itself. * Getting in a pissing contest with your neighbors about whose house has the most black squares. * Booting up to a BASIC prompt so you need to write a short BASIC program to load the program you want to run (probably another BASIC program) * How the Commodore 64 BASIC determined where the line you were editing started and ended. * How Commodore 64 BASIC stored lines of code internally. * Survivorship bias among early microcomputer users. * Accepting a certain level of brokenness because fixing the problem will take an unbounded amount of time. * Machines that are simple enough for a single human to understand vs. those that are not. * What percentage of the Commodore 64's ROM is dedicated to implementing floating point math. * Varying levels of nostalgia for developing for the Playstation 3. * The room in London that the Playstation 2 had instead of a debugger. * The Tool PS2. * Fetishization of the mid-2010s tower PC * Second order nostalgia, for what 90s emulation of 80s games looked like. * Nostalgia for objectively terrible art style. * All the walls swimming all the time. * The 15 year nostalgia gap where nobody wants to remember the early 3D console games. * Making music on the toilet every day. * Trackers. * What Trackers are better at vs. traditional DAWs. * Music that ships with its own source code. * Technical limitations transforming into a unique aesthetic. * How to hide a second song in the same tracker module. * Doing a thing on the screen while music loops. * A portable device to edit spreadsheets that only has a trackball. * Looking at your song through a straw. * Loading a ProTracker module in FastTracker. * Trying to identify which tracker created the MOD you're reading by looking for file format bugs unique to that tracker. * Fixing bugs by hex editing an executable and that becomes the version everybody uses now. * What you call it when an archaeologist writes the file spec. * Unknown sources of dubious quality. * Lore of unknown provenance about how to play a mod file. * Watching dense notation scrolling by. * Loading tracker music into various players to see how their performances of the same material vary. * Trying to load up music you wrote fifteen years ago and needing to source old versions of all the plugins you used. * Watching the woods fill up with snow. * A very evocative one of those. * Whether sleep represents death in this poem or if it's just sleep this time. * Why write a poem. * Interviewing the author of a poem and then interviewing everyone who ever read the poem before writing the authoritative interpretation of that poem. * A joke that doesn't really seem like a joke at all. * Rating a poem on a five star scale and then deciding how many of those stars belong to each of the stanzas. * The Three Musketeers sequels that nobody has read. * Getting paid by the line and adding a character to your story that speaks only one word at a time. * How to write 300 books a year. * Taking out the but because there's nothing for it to but. * Ceramic clown statues.
126. Toast Is A Fruit

126. Toast Is A Fruit


Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * David * Erica * https:// Topics: * Two plant families for the apocalypse * I choose you, Marine Phytoplankton! * I choose you, Apiaceae! * I choose you, Poaceae! * I choose you, Fabaceae! * I choose you, Rosaceae! * I choose you, Liliaceae! * I choose you, Rubiaceae! * Alternation of generations * * I can't believe I primed myself to think of 80s horror by bringing up Ghoulies 2 and subsequently didn't think about Gremlins. * I got a Fitbit for Christmas. It keeps track of how many hours of the day I've taken 250 steps to encourage me to get up from my desk frequently. I've been getting up and walking three minutes at the end of each hour and continuing to walk for three minutes at the start of the next. * Ode to Spot * * Stonecoin * * Things that have not gone wrong yet Microtopics: * Uncovering the fatal flaw in the premise of the topic. * The Frog Fractions Extended Universe. * Marrying someone from the Frog Fractions Extended Universe. * Picking out insect photos that are still on the Internet. * Posting photos to social media as a way of convincing yourself that you have a good life. * A stranger's child slathered in various foodstuffs. * Using social media to curate a list of everything you were upset about today. * Getting a concerned phone call from a family member when you post angrily about world events and changing your phone number. * Which two plant families you'd take with you into the apocalypse. * Touching Cow Parsnip and then running for shelter. * Taking grass with you into the apocalypse so you can keep eating rice. * Drinking coffee and eating onions in the post-apocalypse. * Vegetables that are technically fruits. * Whether croutons are classified as a fruit or a vegetable. * Leaves vs. fronds. * The organs that produce spores. * Finding two distinct forms of plants that always appear together and eventually realizing that these are the same species. * Evolving cocoons when it would be way easier to just evolve a second mouth. * If humans didn't reproduce directly but instead spored little goblins who ran off to fuck each other and had human babies and we were like "ugh those goblins again" * Ghoulies 3: Ghoulies go to College. * Hard-Sporing Citizens. * A health metric invented by pedometer salesmen. * Muscles contracting to pump blood throughout your body. * The differing benefits of running vs. walking. * The evolutionary benefits of gigantic asses. * Linking intention to activity. * Walking around saying quotes from Rick and Morty and the hospice nurse just assumes you have dementia. * The racism hormone. * Why it's so satisfying to dismiss ideas that are different from your own. * Curing dementia by googling the things your grandma says and realizing she's just referencing TV shows nobody's seen in 30 years. * Two marathons looking backwards through time. * Subvocal oscillations. * The best 45 seconds of TV of the 80s. * The guy who writes all of Data's dialog regardless of who writes the rest of the screenplay. * The Cyberiad, by Stanislaw Lem. * A love poem about tensor algebra. * The bar for what constitutes a love poem to tensor algebra. * Writing a poem about a cat to the cat even though the cat doesn't understand. * Web sites eating each other. * Living inside the Library of Alexandria as it burns down. * An alternative hypertext protocol similar to The HTTP and The Gopher. * Nerdy high schoolers who exist today. * Whether any given internet protocol is for the olds. * Worrying about all of these cryptos. * Watching the Olympics streaming on NBC and discovering that not only does TV still exist, it has ads for cryptocurrency now. * The Island of Yap, part of the Federated States of Micronesia. * Coin famousness scaling by size. * An oral history of money where everyone just remembers who paid for what and how much money everyone has. * A flat exchange rate of inches in diameter to US dollars. * The stability of a currency that is not currently being speculated on. * The guy who wrote jokes for Obama. * Presidential speechwriters paying attention to internet memes and incorporating them into the State of the Union address. * The inflection point in 2014 where suddenly everyone became much more aware of every bad thing in the world. * A comprehensive list of everything that has gone right. * The number of languages in which you have not embarrassed yourself this year. * Inventing ink live on the show. * An enormous 3D printer of clear domes. * Baked slimy okra. * Baking a couple dozen of your sporulated forms and their gametophytes into a pie crust, who immediately start singing when you cut the pie open. * A headlamp named Petzl. * Why is daddy laughing? * The magic summoning word of little boys. * An armchair fan of podcasts.
125. Your Mom Won't Cry

125. Your Mom Won't Cry


Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Danielle * * * Alexander * Topics: * Learning to figure skate as an adult * Cursed mnemonics we never question * What was the first thing you remember buying online? * "Chi dara fine al gran dolore? L’ore" from House of Leaves, by Mark Z. Danielewski * My daughter has strong beliefs about the afterlife * I don't actually want to speedrun anything, I just want to learn how they do it * Once a year or so my last friend who still lives in San Diego sends me an email from his phone number. The email is blank but there's a text file attached to it saying something like "hey are you still alive?" Everyone has a friend like that, right? Microtopics: * Spin Rhythm XD and the Spin Rhythm XD level design community. * Learning to figure skate. * How to convert axels into 360s. * Figure skating in a half pipe. * Clockwise and widdershins figure skaters. * Putting a hair dryer in reverse so it blows cool air. * Using Zamboni technology to invent the ice skating treadmill. * Covering a carousel with ice and then realizing you don't need the carousel part because you can just skate in a circle. * The Beginner Effect. * Finding time for hobbies. * Cursed mnemonics for remembering how to spell "because" * Using eggs. * The extremely entertaining mnemonic that Jim uses to remember his social security number, but can't share with anyone. * Man Very Early Made Jars Stand Up Nearly Perpendicular. * My Very Excellent Mother Just Served Us Noodles And Used Soft Eggs. * Elephants Go Ballistic Doing Flips. * Idioms translated from other languages. * Whether it's good for a stone to gather moss. * When it stopped being a big deal to enter your credit card information on a web site. * A piece of wood that tells you what the weather is going to be. * Buying a cassette tape from a friend you met on IRC by mailing them an envelope full of cash and having to pester them about it before they send you the album because just because they're good at making techno doesn't mean they're good at running a record label. * Speculating about how many game developers actually made a living from shareware in the 90s. * Cashing a check on the bus. * Asking your mom to go to the 7-11 to get a money order so you can mail it to a guy in Australia and he ends up not being able to cash it because it isn't an international money order. * Buying a lot of used books on * Reading and discussing a poem in Italian. * The percentage of Topic Lords listeners who have read House of Leaves. * Removing all the outer layers of the onion to get to the SCP inside. * What events did and didn't happen in various layers of fiction in House of Leaves. * Listing every known building not designed in a Brutalist style. * Device 6 by Simogo. * 50 Years of Text Games. * Print-on-demand procgen novels. * Creepy endless houses. * Loving babies and wanting to be a baby. * Inventing reincarnation from first principles. * Where six year olds learn about the afterlife. * Getting really worked up about the flu shot you're going to get in eight months. * Hearing a gross thing described but not being disgusted because you can't visualize it. * ADHD and Autism Tiktok. * The "rubbing styrofoam" diagnostic for ADHD. * Learning all the speedrun skills but never actually doing any speed runs. * Learning to do an ultra to get this strawberry. * The nega-set of games that don't have a bunch of stressful violence and also don't have a bunch of overbearing dialog. * Writing an album and then designing a level around each song. * Bisexual lighting. * Queen Latifah showing up to ask if you want to skip to the next checkpoint. * The kind of friendship where if you ever talked about anything but music the friendship would immediately collapse. * Known iPhone protocol weirdnesses. * Why is Apple like this? * How to set a custom ringtone on your phone back before everyone put their phone on vibrate.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Tyriq * * Xander Topics: * The year was 1998, and choosing a name with numbers in it was a completely normal thing to do. * * How do you overcome the inertia of old familiar tools when trying to learn new ways to do the same thing? * I confused Daniel Day-Lewis with Lou Diamond Phillips for years, thinking they were the same person. I'm not sure why but my hypothesis is that it's because they both have three names and they both have that "lou" sound in there. * If you really have to know: * Sweater Weather: a Love Song to Language, by Sharon Bryan * * I'm gonna try to make a bartop arcade machine with unconventional controls, I think. Anybody have any tips or suggestions or anything? Also more generally: How about that meatspace creativity? Anybody make anything that occupies real world space lately? * Ithkuil: the inscrutable conlang that was co-opted by Russian Buddhist cultists Microtopics: * Making games and albums. * In the pluggable range. * The history of Byzantium. * The weird mysteries of what happened, what we know, what we don't know, and what didn't happen. * An average of all the books that don't exist. * Taking the average of two books. * The square root of negative Garfield. * A lossy compression algorithm for plain text. * The most information dense thing you can change. * LLLL Cool J. * Beware the LLs of March. * All the numbers you might append to your user name. * Wanting or not wanting to be like Xeno746. * Social signaling by putting numbers in your user name or by not putting numbers in your user name. * Role-playing having sponsors because all your idols are influencers. * Using the term "Information Superhighway" unironically. * Visually decorating your name. * Putting card suit emojis around your name and then appending "-chocolate" * Encoding your identity in emojis and adding them to your user name. * The double inertias of trying to move plus leaving your comfort zones. * Jim's advice for learning a new tool. * Working with a tool the way it's intended to be used. * Petting a cat the wrong way as a metaphor. * Actors we confuse with each other. * Hearing two bands on the same mixtape and getting them confused for the rest of your life. * Refusing to explain a gross band name on the show. * Trying to figure out what sex act your parents named you after. * That Tom Lehrer song that's just a list of all the elements, except it's all your favorite turns of phrase. * Making a melody so dissonant and weird that the listener dissociates from music and just hears a sequence of pitches on its own merits. * Having a tongue party in your mouth. * The Sultan of Swat. * Loose Lips Buck Up. * Lifty Nifty, Bright and Shifty. * Making a bartop arcade machine with unconventional controls. * The kinetic feel of throwing and catching a flywheel. * Flipping a series of switches in quick succession. * A totally arbitrary control scheme that would be weird and interesting for one game but it's been used for thousands. * Designing your pinball table so that players nudge your pinball cabinet a bit but not too much. * Reasons for subtle variation in how pinball tables play. * Buying banned pinball parts at the pinball black market. * A pinball simulation of shooting cans with a gun. * The seesaw lever thing for going along the rails. * Bowling with a shuffleboard. * Being over monetizing your art. * Non-Functional Bullshit. * Non-Fungible Game Experiences, such as when the party you're DMing tries to intimidate NPCs with a severed leg. * Hobbies that feed your family. * Making sure your game remains mysterious by ensuring nobody cares enough to solve them. * Simmering on a thought before you express it. * Crunchy conlangs. * Idiosyncratic Oblasts of Russia. * Telling your boss at the DMV that you need time off to go speak to Russian Buddhist alien abduction cultists about the obscure conlang you invented. * Taking something functional and making something non-functional out of it to find out what it would look like. * A Dewey Decimal System for individual words. * Inventing a categorization system for all human knowledge that's extremely focused on maritime concerns.
123. Go Up, You Bald Head!

123. Go Up, You Bald Head!


Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Hallie * * * * Chris Topics: * Playing card finishes * Esper Quinn adds: "As a decades long Magic: the Gathering player, card condition, handling and protection is something I've actually spent a lot of time thinking about. There's a guy on YouTube whose whole claim to fame is that every couple months he reviews every new sleeve (both inner and outer, for double sleeving), deck protector, carrying case, binder, etc. for card protection. Magic cardstock has actually remained consistent since 1993, though inks and printing techniques have shifted a lot over the years. In fact, new foil cards are way worse than old foils; for some reason, they tend to curl the card if not kept in a 100% humidity free environment. The curling can get so bad that sometimes judges won't allow them to be played in tournaments, since they count as marked cards!" * If the words religion and faith didn't exist, how would we talk about them? * Good Bones, by Maggie Smith * * Homemade hair conditioner / masque is basically mayo Microtopics: * Ripe and ready topics. * Making guests record their own obituary in case they die between when an episode is recorded and when it's released. * Watching Your Rass. * A podcast about people who form their identities around games, specifically Cribbage. * The Slim-Line B-7 "True Linen" Finish. * Switching out topics on the fly. * Practicing a magic trick in front of a mirror and fooling yourself. * Positive feedback loops. * Curling -- The Thing Noodles Do. * The benefits of cheap hobbies. * A Clarke Sweetone with a conical bore. * Bicycle Backs. * How quickly you wear out a deck of playing cards when learning close-up magic. * The most interesting card finishes. * Cardistry. * The Bicycle Air-Cushion finish vs. the Cartamundi True Linen finish. * E-llusionist Magic Supplies. * The best brand of cards to do the Faro shuffle with. * Two pieces of paper surrounding a cardboard core and enveloped in a plastic finish. * Peeling apart playing cards and finding a tiny map of Germany. * Something that comes from how people are. * Going to Blorp every Sunday morning. * Students with different educational needs. * Wanting to participate in a group that sets the rules but feeling really strongly that you shouldn't follow one particular rule. * Doing a lot of moderating of teen forums. * Conceiving of religions as fandoms of book series. * Being a super fan of someone who spoke out against elevating individuals above their individual experiences. * Eliezer Yudkowsky's Dune. * Scientist clergymen exploring the world. * The fossils of the language that we speak. * Dictionaries as the chalk outline around language's corpse. * Disney buying the Star Wars franchise as a metaphor for the Roman empire converting to Christianity. * Christianity before it was cool. * Talking dogs. * Comic book puppy trash acts. * The story from Kings where children make fun of a man's bald head and the man prays to God for help who sends bears to maul the children. * Being surrounded by hundreds of children making fun of your bald head. * Things that you thought were good but if there are ways they can be bad you want to hear about them. * Selling the world to your child. * Having a world view and having to learn to live with it. * Stones Georg. * Presenting the world's best self to your child. * Which end of the cow is the milk end. * The gestalt of a cow, which moos and creates milk. * Writing a poem live on the air by saying "dah" whenever you can't think of another word. * What happens if you shampoo but don't condition your hair. * The FBI coming to your apartment to arrest the free radicals making your hair frizzy. * Dropping mustard from your hair care routine because your head smells too much like a sandwich now. * Putting bean water on your head. * Hairdini. * The guests you can't find on Topic Lords.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Maxx * * * Ananda * Topics: * Rare videos of European Hamsters. * * Would you rather eat: the last dragon or a human being? * * What happened in the editor culture that made medical and mathematical Wikipedia absolutely useless for lay readers, and is there anything we can do to fix it? * All Watched Over By Machines Of Loving Grace, by Richard Brautigan * * Esper Quinn adds: "I grew up very techno-utopian in that particular Y2K post-history stripe, where everything will be Extreme Sports and Peace Summits for the rest of existence once we can get everybody hooked up to 'broadband'. I loved the idea of the singularity, humanism, the maybe naive idea that once everybody can just understand how everyone feels by way of livejournal posts or brain implants we'll all be friends and start working together on things. I still have a lot of love for that era, and my dream video game concept I tinker with every couple months is an extremely Y2K-aesthetic snowboarding-ballsport called CYBERXROSS. I had heard this Brautigan poem before, though a bit late for that era; I want to say it was around 2012, just when Facebook (and post-bubble Silicon Valley Capitalism) began to really bare its teeth and sink into the world's throat, shattering the idea of technology as a Total Positive entirely. Oh well. I still love the poem." * Diatomite and our weird relationship to tiny cursed skeletons. * Making fermented foods. I want to make stinky tofu. Microtopics: * Choosing to believe when somebody last ate oatmeal. * Outside oatmeal vs. inside oatmeal. * The wide world of breakfast goops. * Writing your to-do lists in calligraphy. * Minutes from the meeting where you are every member of the board of directors and you agree with yourself that you should remain CEO. * Jodorowsky's Hamster. * Videos of aggressive wild hamsters that they don't want you to see. * Ethical hamster breeders in your area. * Shipping a hamster in a box with a potato and when it arrives there's no potato but there's a potato's worth of feces. * The kind of habitat that pet hamsters need. * A German naturalist's hamster cage. * King Solomon's Ring, by Konrad Z. Lorenz. * Importing an entire pond into your house so you can observe it more efficiently. * A cheese shop in a small town staffed by the same person who runs the travel agency and the general store. * Imitation cannibalism hoax "Hufu." * Whether Winston can say good night. * Whether a three year old understands the ethical calculus behind eating or not eating the last dragon. * Eating raw dragon and getting Mad Dragon Disease. * Whether biomagnification would be worse in dragon or human meat. * Whether Wikipedia pages for difficult ideas should have tutorials. * A series of date nights in which you make Powerpoint presentations about armadillos for each other. * The Seven-Banded Armadillo. * A detailed technical description of the scoots on the Seven-Banded Armadillo's fourth moveable band. * Volunteer opportunities to study Paraguayan fauna. * Spending four years in Paraguay discovering and describing a new species of armadillo by going to the museum where they are stuffed and mounted. * The relief of discovering that other people fail at things too. * Mutually programming harmony, like pure water touching clear sky. * A cybernetic forest filled with pines and electronics. * The counterculture era of hippies and computers. * Solving every problem. * Making a machine to water your plants and going back to sleep. * Making art that is deeply alarming but also incredibly pleasant. * Violently bright emotions for short moments. * How to recognize utopias from the outside. * Fixing a poem you almost like and posting the result on Instagram. * Crypto bros perishing in the wildfires of this cybernetic ecosystem. * Exploring and coming to terms with the complications of the field you were uncomplicatedly excited about as a kid. * The set of questions that don't have words attached to them. * The Mossman Lock Collection. * Branches of technology that we didn't take. * Using a slab of diatomaceous earth as your bath mat. * The multivarious uses of the skeletons left behind after the primordial seas dried up. * Surrounding your pantry with ancient dry skeletons so when ants step on the skeletons they think "oh gross, this skeleton is so dry" and they go away. * Pouring nitroglycerin into ancient tiny skeletons to invent dynamite. * Scrubbing the exposed parts of your skeleton with much smaller skeletons. * Late night snack vendors. * Sarcophagus tofu. * Preserved organ dishes. * The difficulty of acquiring stinky tofu during a global pandemic. * Fermented meat products. * How to tell when your stinky tofu turned out wrong. * Drinking the band-aid beer. * Paying a nominal fee for a lab to DNA sequence your mystery meat. * Comparing sludge notes. * Adding kimchi to pizza sauce. * Drawing the Instagram logo out of diatomaceous earth on the floor and going to sleep in it and waking up and now you are Instagram and whenever someone uploads a video they're uploading it into your head.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! ( Lords: * Ryan * * * Chall * Topics: * What position do you sleep in and based on that which of us on the podcast is going to die first? * Are limes overpowered? * * Why do we have fingernails? Sure they protect the nail bed but the nail bed wouldn't need protection if the nail weren't there. Are they really just claws but shitty? * This poem written on a whiteboard, author(s) unknown: * * Microtopics: * Reading someone's grocery list and trying to decide if it's ironic. * The importance of firing Jimmy Wales. * Trying to make a garbage fire better but it's not better yet. * Filming yourself becoming the villain so that the documentary won't be disappointing. * Topic Sloars. * Not really knowing what a sloar is except that you can roast in the belly of it. * The place for Buster-Heads. * Sleeping the wrongest. * Going to your dentist for sleeping advice. * Sleeping in a position to minimize the number of times per hour you stop breathing. * The sleep paralysis demon not being able to sit on your chest because you sleep on your side. * Sleeping in a nanofiber web suspended from the ceiling. * Whether sleeping cuddling a pillow is good or bad for various bones and organs. * Famous Racist Pillow Peddler. * Doctor Wu says you're going to eat shit. * Sleeping like the number four. * Lying in entirely different positions at the beach because you don't want anyone to know how you sleep. * Trying the number four leg and letting Ryan know how it goes in the morning. * A night of making cocktails using limes. * Deciding that limes are too powerful and we need to put them in their place. * Garnishing your beverage with cornflakes. * All citrus fruit descending from the mustard plant. * Demanding that every foodstuff be as delicious and useful as limes are. * A pile of nasty pasta mistake. * Chocolate pasta that you boil and put on your ice cream. * A Wikipedia rabbit hole of citrus fruits. * The three ur-fruits that control the fate of every citrus fruit you've ever eaten. * An open faced lime growing in the wild. * Optimus Lime. * Thinking of a pop culture pun and asking the bartender for it because it's probably a beer. * Extremely lumpy limes. * Filling city hall with gorillas so they'll eat all the snakes. * Hot dog fingers that are homogenous all the way to the end. * Manatee toenails. * Where whales keep their finger bones. * Awesome ladies with orca fingernails. * An extremely informative image search that you don't recommend to anyone. * All the gross ways Takis can fail. * Origami claws. * The state of the spit valves on those Cool Ranch Bugles. * Sweet and Salty and Chocolate and Peanut Butter Bugles. * Ultra-Powerful Butter Flavor. * Coming out of your bunker after 200 years and not knowing who Batman is but seeing the "ultra rare cheeto shaped like batman crying" and thinking "wow it's like a man, but also a bat, and he's weeping because he'll never solve his parents murder" * Making NFTs of every character in FF2 minigame Biker Chicks and then trying to get all the Kickstarter backers who sent in photos to buy their own face, because if they don't someone else is going to own their face. * Selling visitation rights to your collection of rare Cheetos. * Rare Cheeto NFTs. * Buying Cheeto earrings and becoming Cheeto Earrings Guy. * Something in red that was where "garlic bread" is -- erased. * Painters buying big slabs of bathroom stall at craft stores so they can paint on it. * Keeping your finger on the pulse of garlic bread related poetry. * The dark recesses of Jim's Travis Barker poetry headcanon. * A traveling japesman who modifies any exposed whiteboard poetry to be about food. * Where you do your business after dark.
Download from Google Play
Download from App Store