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Topic Lords

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Topic Lords, the only place on the Internet where you can hear topics discussed!
24 Episodes
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So Horrible And Yet So Tiny

So Horrible And Yet So Tiny

2020-04-0601:01:45

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Jenni is on an internet break but you can email her at jenni@jennipolodna.com. * Tyriq is @fourbitfriday on Twitter and elsewhere, and is making Catacomb Kids. https://www.ckgame.net/ Topics: * 2:13 Hot Topic * "Peaches, meet your fate!" https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/blna2q/hottopicemployeesofredditwhatareyour/emqprnc/ * 8:28 Toe picks * https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=456TYtCggc * Mike Vallely yells at Tony Hawk about pressure flips. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQCe6guSOOM * A more detailed take on what happened with inlining and the X-Games. https://www.reddit.com/r/rollerblading/comments/1jpost/whyhasntrollerbladingcomebacktothexgames/cbhemrd/ * 22:15 Topical medication * 30:42 Groke asks: "My friend (who is completely unaware of this podcast and did this apropos of nothing) emailed the Mars chocolate company to find out why the Topic candy bar has that name. 'Dear Mr Smith, Thanks for getting in touch about our MARS product. The Topic bar has been a firm favourite since it's introduction in 1962, unfortunately over time the origin of how the Topic chocolate bar came to be called Topic has been lost and now it has become a mystery that we are still trying to discover. If you need any more information, please let us know.'" * 34:45 Test of Proficiency in Korean * Nifflas's braille labeling purchase snafu. https://twitter.com/Nifflas/status/1230232736734031878 * Constructed scripts. https://www.omniglot.com/conscripts/english.htm * Nicaraguan sign language. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NicaraguanSign_Language * 49:36 Topic Records Microtopics: * Listening to a lot of dolphin podcasts. * Discussing only topics on the Topic Special. * Belching instead of answering the question. * Your project going well lately and being slightly less afraid that it's going to be awful. * A store that isn't in your local mall so you have to drive half an hour to the cool mall. * Being afraid cool teenagers will stare you down and you'll evaporate on the spot. * A store selling pop culture stuff you've actually heard of. * Not having a Hot Topic story but telling one you read on the Internet. * An anime version of Ben Stiller's character from Reality Bites. * The Hot Topic in Ben Stiller's thought bubble that you can only shop at if Ben Stiller thinks of you. * All food vanishing from the world because Ben Stiller has thought of it all and it's trapped in his mind. * All the wiki pages that popped up for the movie Primer. * Having sorted the spreadsheet and being unable to un-sort the spreadsheet. * Thinking toe picks are a gross hygiene thing but actually they're for doing a triple lutz. * Amputee guitarists who are pretty proficient at foot guitaring. * Skates with four wheels in a rectangle being way less cool than skates with four wheels in a row because that's what girls do. * Ice skates being harder to turn in than inline skates, because they cut a groove in the surface. * Turning on the toe pick. * Sucking at tourism because nothing interests you. * Changing the subject to Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. * Which indie game developers were previously pro inline skaters. * Mike Vallely storming off angrily at the concept of doing pressure flips. * A kickflip except you don't make the ollie motion with your front foot, you just kick the tail down and scoop it forward with your rear foot. * Tony Hawk being cool and teaching you vert tricks and Mike Vallely refusing to talk to anyone who isn't a skateboarder. * Skateboarders getting petty and insecure and getting inline skating removed from the X-Games. * Completing the entire gap checklist in Tony Hawk 2 and putting it on your resume. * Dropping the franchise completely after Tony Hawk 2 because the Playstation 1 version of Tony Hawk 3 doesn't have female custom skaters. * The mission in Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 where you follow a homeless person around Venice Beach and harass him until he leaves town. * Ollie the Magic Bum getting good at skateboarding so he can exact revenge. * A full-contact, Tony-Hawk-And-Bully-Had-A-Baby roller derby game. * Punxsutawney Phil looking down and seeing poop and so there'll be six more weeks of poop. * Having to shove pills down a cat's throat twice a day for the rest of her life. * Giving away your spare geckos and explaining to the recipient that they eat sunlight. * A gecko eating another gecko like a corncob because they're not social animals after all. * Three creatures each nesting-dolled in the mouth of another creature. * The vet seemingly not knowing about lizards shedding when they put the cast on the lizard. * The gecko still being alive so you're doing okay at pet ownership. * Hiring a nurse that is also a gecko to take care of your gecko injections. * A mystery that we are still trying to discover. * Even the manufacturer not knowing why the candy bar is called Topic. * Inventing the jaw that can take the smallest possible bite. * Marzipan but with almonds. * Not liking how they pronounce "urinal" in the UK. Not liking it at all. * Things taking a dark turn and someone turning up dead. * Not going out of your way to inform people that your product's name is shockingly racist. * Preferring the language proficiency test that is more similar to Skee-Ball. * Changing the subject to Tony Hawk's Pro Skater again. * Wanting to feel sick about everything and doing all the missions at "sick" difficulty. * Doing a few missions at "sick" difficulty and deciding that's enough sick for you. * The Korean alphabet having been invented by a dude who thought ideograms were a bad idea. * Borrowing ideograms from Chinese and then later going back for more. * Nifflas inventing his own alphabet so doesn't have to hide his notes when he DMs. * The process of training yourself to read your weirdo moon-man alphabet. * Wanting to get into Lojban. * Liking a phrase as much as Tolkien likes "cellar door." * Inventing the language that magic is spoken in. * Inventing a language for your game and demanding your players become fluent in it. * The Nicaraguan school for deaf children doing a terrible job at teaching deaf children, but the children inventing Nicaraguan Sign Language. * Collecting your paycheck for doing nothing. * A corpus of industrial folk songs. * Yelling "peaches meet your fate!" and making the chainsaws kiss. * Mother-32 needing an offering of your hair every morning. * The composition process you enjoy most not leading to the kind of music you enjoy most. * Not wanting to make prototypes in the final medium because working in the final medium is a pain to work in. * GML being the wax and 6502 assembly being the marble in this analogy. * Live streaming video to the Apple II. * Having time for hobbies because you quit Twitter.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Danny enjoys bananas. * https://twitter.com/itsdannymusic * https://www.youtube.com/dannymusic * https://www.twitch.tv/dannymusic * Lauren streams on Twitch and plays in The Returners. * https://twitter.com/laurentheflute * https://www.twitch.tv/laurentheflute * http://the-returners.com/ Topics * 1:12 If every Tetris piece has a personality, which piece would you most prefer to be stuck with on a deserted island? * The History of Tetris Randomizers. https://simon.lc/the-history-of-tetris-randomizers * 12:45 The sense of smell is most closely tied to memory. Are there any really strong associations you have? * Ulillillia's relationship with music: http://www.ulillillia.us/aboutme/music.shtml * TXT World: A Journey Of The Nose. https://twitter.com/mogwaipoet/status/1196511832220917760 * "We carry the WORLDS LARGEST Selection of Scratch N' Sniff scents!" http://www.promobrands.com/scratchandsniffscents.htm * 22:15 Convincing my son that sleep is a good thing when I don't believe it myself * 28:46 Groke asks: "Transitioning from making art for its own sake to making it to keep a roof over your head (or vice-versa)" * Basil's Adventure. http://twinbeard.com/basil/ * 40:55 Why IS a raven like a writing desk? * https://www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1173/why-is-a-raven-like-a-writing-desk/ * 46:36 In the last week, what is the best thing that you have seen, done, and/or eaten? * New Study Reveals Just How Sick Families With Kids Get. https://gizmodo.com/new-study-reveals-just-how-sick-families-with-kids-get-1722654292 * How butter chicken roti became a Toronto classic. https://www.thestar.com/life/foodwine/2019/08/13/how-butter-chicken-roti-became-a-toronto-classic.html Microtopics: * Doing video game music. * Breaking a problem into subproblems. * An unusual form of synesthesia where you perceive Tetris pieces as personalities. * Making rude buzzer noises when the guest gets it wrong. * The Tetris I-piece being egotistical and always late when you need it most. * Siblings who are not identical but are mistaken for identical. * The stem cell of Tetris pieces. * The Tetris T-piece being useful for opening coconuts because it's shaped like a bottle opener. * Playing Tetris without realizing that you can rotate the pieces. * The Tetris T-piece standing for Trauma. * Not realizing you push B to run in Super Mario Bros. because it doesn't do anything when you're not moving. * The smell of candles reminding you of the holidays. * Finding the cologne that speaks to your soul and wearing it literally every day. * A cartoon character design except it's how you smell. * Bringing around an MP3 player to play your theme song on loop as you walk around campus. * Testing how long you can listen to the Bubble Bobble theme. * Eating only carrots for a week because you want to really feel the fine distinctions between each individual carrot. * The particular mix of sweat and grass that makes you think of playing soccer. * Not being able to think of the word for when the water in a river is extremely busy. * The idealized smells of Frog Fractions 2 where everything smells like candy because of all the bright colors. * Going to sleep being the worst thing but your son going to sleep being the best thing. * Reading your child books about sleeping to convince them that sleeping is a good thing. * Refusing to teach your child about how certain activities are for boys and some are for girls, but then they learn about it in school anyway. * Having vivid dreams and taking ideas from them to use in fiction. * Hating to go to sleep and hating to wake up so maybe what you actually hate is just the transition one way or the other. * Wanting to go to sleep but going into a depressive spiral instead. * Reminiscing about making art as a hobby. * Doing the same amount of work but not burning out because you change the kind of work you're doing. * Creativity through limitations. * Getting to the point where you can afford to say no to freelance projects. * Having an audience and feeling obligated to serve the audience literally all the time. * Making dinner as an act of creative fulfillment. * Baking intuitively by just putting ingredients in a pan until it feels right. * Giving your guest baker a challenge ingredient to incorporate into their cake. * Picking activities that force you to not be perfect. * Forcing everybody to read a sentence from your novel before they get a cookie. * Whether "smartass" is really a swear. * Finding 11 socks in your desk at the end of the school year. * Both a raven and a writing desk having legs, but different numbers of legs. * Whether desks lay eggs to reproduce. * Finding the image that is exactly halfway between a raven and a writing desk. * Never having been sick as often as when you worked in a bounce house birthday party place. * Schoolteachers no longer getting sick because they've gotten literally every disease. * Putting the curry inside of the flatbread like they do in Toronto. * The relief of seeing a stray cat you haven't seen in a while. * A cat named Purrcy. * Arranging music for a friend and your band mates being excited to record it. * Artists appreciating art you made for them more than non-artists would. * Giving grandma your new noisecore album for Christmas. * Grandma sticking your new noisecore album to the fridge with a magnet. * Someone asking to read your fiction and then actually reading it. * A gift secretly being a demand for the recipient's time. * A gift made not just for somebody but made with their needs in mind. * Laura, Lauren, Laurie, and Laurel all being the same name if you think about it. * Profundity on demand.
Abstinent Train Polycule

Abstinent Train Polycule

2020-03-2301:15:29

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Ryan (@ryanikecomposer) made a great grilled cheese sandwich in an air fryer two weeks ago. * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Air_fryer * Alexander is a math professor at DigiPen and trades his chicken flock's eggs to a neighbor for home-roasted coffee beans. * https://www.quora.com/profile/Alexander-Young-2 Topics: * 8:41 Creativity from a seed vs from a box * 18:41 Every fucking comedy trailer in the 90s used Hall of the Mountain king and it sucked and I hated it and why don't we do that any more * https://www.20k.org/episodes/thebooj * 29:04 Some guy you just met asks to install an HDMI port on your foot. You decide to go for it. When you plug in a TV, what's playing on your foot? * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TonyHawk%27sSkate_Jam * https://twitter.com/tonyhawk/status/5184156673 * 40:12 David asks: "Yak shaving in your profession or hobby" * https://i.imgur.com/t0XHtgJ.gif * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeboxing * 49:01 I think about the "abstinence train" from a high school health class video once a week. How can I turn this from distraction into motivation? * 1:02:00 Multi-lingual animals Microtopics: * Making a transcendent grilled cheese in the air fryer. * Dipping food in terrifyingly hot golden juice that might burn your face off. * Walking into your friend's house and seeing an edifice. * Esoteric kitchen appliances that we find invaluable. * A Kevin Bacon co-working situation. * An espresso machine where you have to screw the lid down properly or it explodes. * The adrenaline rush of surviving the cooking process making the food taste way better. * Trading your chicken's fresh eggs for your neighbor's home-roasted coffee beans. * Trading jam games for fresh jam. * Getting super excited by discovering that something is impossible. * Proving the theorem that something can never be equal to something else. * Using a constraint to make something new. * AI-driven space helmets that generate plausible sounds for the space vista you're looking at. * A naval battle In Space!!; * Taking the script of an existing movie and adding a bunch of jokes to it. * Everybody knowing that Shakespeare was a hack but being afraid to say it. * Marching on the National Mall shrieking about public domain music usage in movie trailers. * Getting nostalgic about trends you always hated. * Aphantasia but for envisioning loudspeakers. * Being the kind of kid that keeps a database of classical music used in film trailers. * Owen Wilson's goblin-like face, sitting in his hall. * Looney Tunes characters creeping around while pizzicato strings punctuate their footsteps. * All classical music being recontextualized as Looney Tunes music. * John Williams changing one note of your opus and now it's the soundtrack to Star Wars. * Learning to play a mid-90s cartoon theme on harpsichord and realizing it's basically Hall of the Mountain King with every third note removed. * The booj. * Listening to a fake movie trailer and growing excited for a movie that doesn't exist. * A young child singing a Judas Priest song as if it's a nursery rhyme. * Putting the booj in trailers for Casablanca and giving 1940s audiences a heart attack. * Playing the booj outside ancient Rome and Romans inventing the film camera because they want to see the movie so badly. * Somehow removing even more agency from a "would you rather" question. * The HDMI port in your foot playing pretzel advertisements. * Asking your friend if they see the creepy guy staring at the camera in the background of this People's Court episode, but your friend can't get past that the TV episode is playing via an HDMI port on your foot. * Being assured that whatever comes out of your foot won't kill you. * The HDMI port in your foot not hurting unless you try to run. * The HDMI port on your foot playing memories of you running with the Columbia City Running Club. * Forgetting to run your brain screen saver and getting brain burn-in and the last thing someone said to you faintly ringing in your head forever. * An AR Tony Hawk skating game where you skate on power lines by holding your phone camera up to them. * Tony Hawk being a Pokemon. * The cat bus from My Neighbor Totoro. * Toddlers discovering the front yard. * A toddler whaling on a cat but she refuses to run away and just gets annoyed. * Getting all your cat poking and yanking out of the way as a toddler. * Yak shaving being a metaphor, hopefully. * Getting anxiety from hearing yak shaving explained. * Growing up with an antagonistic relationship with sleeping and by extension your own body. * Thinking of sleep as step 0 for anything you want to get done tomorrow. * Wanting a free uninterrupted hour and getting it by sleeping an hour less tonight. * The hemispheres of your brain having two different chronotypes. * Trying way too hard to relate to the teens. * Teens in the 90s being way into locomotives. * Three humans dressed up as train cars heading for Abstinence Street and the caboose trying to unhook himself because he wants to feel something right now. * The two front cars of the train polycule trying to convince the caboose that Abstinence Street is really cool actually. * The Abstinence Train PSA being the direct inspiration for The Human Centipede. * Ryan being the caboose in this metaphor. * The awards organization that gives you a trophy for eating your very last peanut butter and jelly sandwich. * An abstinent train polycule in the railyard of ideas, validating each other's impulses. * An abstinent train polycule changing the law to allow polygamy. * Becoming a Zen Master but when your followers think you're meditating, you're actually repeating the Abstinence Train PSA in your head. * Finally finding the Abstinence Train on YouTube and vaporizing into the atmosphere, your purpose fulfilled. * A homebrew recreation of the famous Abstinence Train video. * The results you get when you type "Abstinence Train" into YouTube. * Wanting to get a job at Google to fix YouTube's search engine so you can search for "Abstinence Train" but having to shave a yak first. * Mean Girls but all the time and they never grow out of it. * Chickens having a particular call they make when a hawk appears that means everyone should hide. * A crow that knows when chickens are warning other chickens about the incipient hawk. * Being very frustrated that the host put the topics in the wrong order. * The host leaving the show early but the guests continuing to talk for another fifteen minutes. * Assuring the listener that you're not bragging when you explain just how many podcasts you've been on. * Being called out by a podcast you were listening to but not otherwise involved in. * Being a doctor of mathematics but weighing in on whether dinosaurs were domesticable because it's Quora after all. * Chickens being way more shareable than your latest math problem. * Remembering the face of the human that threatened your nest. * Making decoy nests to fool the government agency trying to get rid of you. * A crow really just being a black pigeon. * The sound of a juvenile crow hassling their mom for food. * Throwing an olive at a murder of crows to meet the one crow who is willing to approach it like it's a live grenade. * Seattle residents exchanging crow attack stories. * Jim not being here to ask you if you want to plug anything.
Strip Laser Tag

Strip Laser Tag

2020-03-1601:07:53

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Josh makes Thunk. https://www.youtube.com/user/THUNKShow * Elena is on the Topic Lords discord. Topics: * 2:29 Procrastination, or, avoidance as a protective coping mechanism * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buridan%27sass * 13:08 Newcomb's Problem * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newcomb%27sparadox * 19:46 Celebrating Christmas by saying you have a machine gun * https://twitter.com/mogwaipoet/status/1210729053465931781 * 26:16 Kevin asks: "The fear that other podcasts will steal your idea to discuss topics." * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Twilightsleep * http://bash.org/ * 32:09 McMaster-Carr * https://www.mcmaster.com/ * http://thistothat.com/ * "Satisfying Spiral Liquid Bubbler Timer" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IFLNpSqzn7o * 41:34 Conlanging with toddlers * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Constructed_language * 50:26 Preserving old software * THUG Pro. http://www.thugpro.com/ * "Ozimals did give rabbit owners a brief chance to save their rabbits. Before shutting down, they gave away items which make rabbits not need food – and leaves them sterile. Some rabbits will live on forever, the last of their kind." https://www.rockpapershotgun.com/2017/05/19/second-life-ozimals-pet-rabbits-dying/ * The Lifecycle of Software Objects. https://cpb-us-w2.wpmucdn.com/voices.uchicago.edu/dist/8/644/files/2017/08/Chiang-Lifecycle-of-Software-Objects-q3tsuw.pdf * Rolled Out, the Super Monkey Ball clone. https://blog.rolledoutgame.com/ Microtopics: * Being old and knowing nothing. * Finding out that you can buy citric acid and put it in your drinking water. * Finding out that you can buy concrete and put it in your toilet. * The refreshing concrete toilet. * Regretting agreeing to do a thing you really enjoy. * Defeating procrastinating by discovering what you're afraid of and reframing it or interceding. * Worrying that you're incapable of surviving in a capitalist system. * Tracing every fear back to a fear of dying alone, like how every page on Wikipedia leads to Philosophy. * Wanting to do a thing but having no effective mechanism to prefer any given thing over any other and doing nothing. * Hearing syllables and then "ass" and pretending you understand. * Learning a word that you didn't know and then explaining it to other people. * Breaking your task into small steps and doing the first step. * Listening to your emotion and being like "what's your deal" * Self-acceptance helping when beating yourself up doesn't. * Instead of writing, taking copious notes and then skipping right to editing the notes into a completed text. * Laying out an outline and then finishing the essay by removing the bullet points. * Having an idea in each hand and holding two more in your left foot and trying to squinch them together into a linear series of thoughts. * Everything being related to everything else. * Giving people the tools they need to engage with topics. * A future-knowing genie who knows you're going to have pizza tonight. * Someone having done this topic already on a different podcast. * Being the genie you want to see in the world. * Causality seeming to flow in reverse. * Reassuring the genie that you're not the kind of person who takes two boxes. * The genie turning out to just be a guy with a rubber duck. * An odd Christmas greeting that you are here for. * Living next to people who think it's festive to announce how armed they are. * Knocking on your neighbor's door and asking for a cup of machine gun. * A corpse wearing a santa hat. * Trying to think of any movie that doesn't depict a corpse that could've worn a santa hat. * Some of your best friends having machine guns. * Being charmed by the utilitarian and efficient design of firearms. * Crying in a VR game and the tears filling up the mask until you drown. * Strip laser tag. * A topic peasant just waltzing in and talking about topics. * Editing out the guy hiding with a gun in post. * Having an unconscionable amount of bash.org memorized. * Waking up from your drugged haze to a flaming burnt cake in the oven and your house is burning down. * Being sad because the folks at Chipotle forgot your burrito but then your wife reminds you that you've eaten it already and you just forgot. * Everything that you could possibly need to build a thing. * Spinning around in an enormous magical hardware store with arms outstretched and an inventory robot fluttering around your skirt and landing on your finger. * Metal boxy objects of mysterious provenance. * The reaction speed of your transition lenses. * Welding masks transitioning to near-opaque in less than a millisecond because at any moment you might use a plasma beam that is brighter than the surface of the sun. * Installing permanent earplugs powered by your greasy earwax. * Not needing McMaster-Carr after Josh just tells you the answer. * An oil timer forcing a door to open or close slowly. * Having an idea for a cool Youtube video and assuming there's probably a cool Youtube guy who's already done it. * A toddler teaching you how to teach dragon language and the dragons being annoyed you didn't ask them. * Asking one of the indigineous people what the name of the hated rival tribe is named and them saying a slur and then being like "okay you're all that now." * Circumlocuting around the concept of the color green. * Summing up your engineering degree as "f=ma" and "you can't push a rope" and saving your listeners five years. * A fairly ingenious use of math that we've had sitting around forever. * Sliding rules getting us to the moon because we hadn't invented calculators yet. * The content being the same but the context changing. * The NES being the game dev platform that is most likely to survive the next thousand years. * Trolling through aerospace source code looking for funny comments. * Deleting your source code to free up space because nobody is ever going to need to port or revise Final Fantasy 7. * Planning a heist to retrieve the floppy disks stashed above the acoustic ceiling tiles of a dry cleaning service. * Games being reasonably well-preserved but other kinds of software being mostly lost because teenaged nerds don't care about it. * AI pets dying because the company that manufactured them went out of business. * Your GMO dog dying because the manufacturer's SSL certificate expired.
The Bowerbird's Apprentice

The Bowerbird's Apprentice

2020-03-0901:05:00

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Mark's meme is https://imgur.com/a/YFTXteU plus the caption "When you get on the bus and it's rush hour and the only free space is being taken up by someone's bag." * Shirley's meme is https://imgur.com/a/9oyR7fa Topics: * 1:10 Living abroad/Third Culture Kid experience * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thirdculturekid * Understanding prejudice: the Implicit Association Test. https://secure.understandingprejudice.org/iat/ * 11:19 Camgirl life * 27:14 Why don't most animals need to learn to walk? * Bowerbird. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bowerbird * 35:43 Quill asks: "What bones have you broken and how?" * 48:51 Hypnagogic hallucination/anxiety * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnagogia Microtopics: * Jim's favorite episodes of this show. * Not being plugged in and having no idea what's going on. * The podcast ruining somebody's lack of internet presence. * Not being sure whether you defined Third Culture Kid correctly. * The four types of Third Culture Kids. * Being within five minutes of a Coca Cola at any given moment no matter where you go in the world. * Meeting a child of a Coca Cola executive at every international school. * Bathroom metaphors for your childhood identity. * Thoroughly describing the procedure of a scientific test. * The only guy you know who didn't show any bias on the Implicit Bias Test showing plenty of bias after living in the United States for 15 years. * Showing kids pictures of faces of different races and asking them which one is the liar. * Children turning out racist despite never having been explicitly instructed to be racist. * Taking a Third Culture Kid refresher course to refresh your lack of racial bias. * Confusing being a minority with being oppressed. * Nobody having enough experience with your race to know whether or not to be prejudiced against you. * People who sound like they have no accent because they live near Hollywood, California. * Turning on a camera and expecting the money to pour down around you. * Nobody giving you money because you're a boring naked person. * Sometimes logging on and making $0 and sometimes logging on and making thousands of dollars. * The liberation of leaving your retail job. * The ability to say no when you don't want to do something. * Realizing your ability to consent is way more present at your sex work job than at your retail job. * Not being able to ban the worst customers from the store you work at. * Feeling like you can get to the life you want if you stick through the hard times. * Quitting one job that sucks and ending up at another job that sucks. * Working 16 hours straight at your catering job and only being able to eat when you reach in and scoop a handful of spaghetti and meatballs out of the tray you're about to serve. * Heading back to the kitchen before your tray of hors d'oeuvres is empty in hopes that you can eat the last few yourself. * Taking the deviled egg tax every time you make deviled eggs. * Realizing that being a scientist is way cooler than working retail. * When the one guy you know who's always had it figured out suddenly changes it up. * The cool high school robotics teacher with a top knot. * God-tier hipsters. * All babies being born early because their head gets too big. * The word for when someone is deliberately slow at work. * Being jealous of your son's ability to learn skills extremely quickly. * Being jealous of your son's enormous head circumference. * Kangaroos basically giving birth to a fetus and the fetus climbing up into the mother's pouch when your kid is sixteen months old and still can't climb worth a damn. * Deciding this bower sucks, chirping out and trying to find a better bower bird with a better bower. * Bowerbirds innately knowing that they want to build big, blue bowers, but sucking at it until they apprentice under experienced bowerbirds. * Innately preferring big bowers and you can not lie. * Bowerbirds being super impressed by blue headphones with bluetooth support. * Joking about introducing paint to bowerbirds and finding out they already mix their own pigments to paint the interior of their bowers blue and realizing who is the true blue master here. * Tripping into a plexiglass window and realizing the guy from Hudsucker Proxy saved your life. * Having a rich friend who owns a golf cart and tearing the golf cart around while South African golfers shake their fists at you. * The golf cart not having a third seat so you just stand in the indentations where the golf bags usually go. * Diving off of a golf cart that is about to tip over. * Sustaining grave head injuries but the gate attendant still not letting you take the golf cart out of the parking lot. * Peeling the hair off your friend's face to reveal why the gate attendant should let you out of the parking lot. * After your concussion, not remembering who the president is or what year it is, but still remembering that you're going to get drinks at O'Hagen's tonight. * Getting a security briefing at the U.S. consulate about how to deal with a carjacking and he says to just give the guy a car. * Embedding a second PSA within your PSA. * Breaking a toe by kicking the softest thing you can think of. * Bringing up the Big Mike for maybe the third episode in a row. * Needing to come back on the show to tell the people the banana truth if it turns out that the Big Mike really does taste like the fake banana flavoring. * Giving a name to the dude you keep hallucinating standing in the corner of the room as you sleep. * Rearranging your bedroom to minimize shadows because the creepy dude only materializes in darkness. * Your wife waking you up to tell you someone's standing in the corner of the room and saying "ok good luck with that babe" and going back to sleep. * Not wanting to tell anyone you hallucinate while you sleep because of mental illness stigma. * Sleep paralysis and hypnagogic hallucinations totally explaining why people used to believe in ghosts. * Having the fun doesn't-ruin-your-life kind of hypnagogic hallucinations. * Existential dread only getting worse as your life goes on. * Not being able to finish watching an episode of Gargoyles because a shot from very high up gave you mortal terror. * Not being on the Internet except to look for memes. * Enrolling in every Cognitive Neuroscience program in the country because you're trying to befriend this week's guests to get their memes.
A Pickled Egg Christmas

A Pickled Egg Christmas

2020-03-0201:01:11

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Jeff is an event planner at https://www.acesup.com/ and blogged at https://80isenough.wordpress.com/ back when he was unemployed. * Joe is. Topics: * 0:52 Not having time to be a geek. * 10:21 Pickled egg ordering paranoia. * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pickledegg * 20:04 This topic is mostly an excuse to ask Joe how he raised such good kids. * The Blank Slate, by Steven Pinker. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TheBlankSlate * 33:05 Quill asks: "What sort of art did you make when you were younger?" * Double reed instruments. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doublereed * 45:44 Augmented reality killer app: the etymology explorer * The Online Etymology Dictionary. https://www.etymonline.com/ * 49:46 80% is enough. Microtopics: * Having nothing to plug. * Consuming all the media available because you're in high school and it's the 80s. * Not being sure if the media you're consuming, or about to consume, is worth your time. * Forgetting everything else as a prerequisite for getting anything done. * Humans figuring out what to do with their drive to make art once computers are better at making art. * Collectively choosing to limit the art you consume to create an artificial culture in your collective. * A fake band invented by the internet come alive. * Computers taking over art curation, too. * Making a statement in a specific context that can't be as easily transplanted into another context and that making you a luddite weirdo. * Cultivating a healthy creative space being super weird now, but will make more sense in the future when the creative. * Liking pickled eggs but not being able to find them in any local store. * The hypothetical fraughtness of purchasing pickled eggs online. * Buying a bunch of gross stuff and being disappointed. * Hating the pickled eggs you bulk-purchased and feeding them all to your dogs. * Pickled sausages -- a southern specialty. * Selling your pickled products at a discount because they're past their sell-by date. * Pickled Thai eggplant about the size of marbles. * Not being diligent enough to look up how to include Pickled Banana Blossoms in a prepared dish and just eating them like popcorn and being disappointed. * The entire egg pickling community thinking your egg pickling method is heretical. * Asking everybody in your family for pickled eggs for Christmas and throwing a pickled egg party to get rid of all your danged pickled eggs. * Consuming twenty pounds of pickled eggs on a Topic Lords live show. * Being really impressed by somebody's child-rearing technique. * The "blank slate" theory -- that children are born with no personality -- being total bullshit. * A sample size of three technically counting as a pattern. * Having a dialog with your children rather than just telling them what to do. * Growing up hating authority and how that informs parenting strategy. * Doing the bare minimum and getting great results because everyone else just sucks. * Parents who are basically still children themselves. * Not having any parenting books to read because you are the first person who has ever been a parent. * Doing everything being indistinguishable from doing nothing. * Not having any good way to choose between all the available child-rearing options. * Not knowing why you read a particular parenting book twenty years ago and also not being sure if it shaped your parenting strategy. * Making bad decisions because we're all human and we all make bad decisions. * Being well-equipped to adapt to a changing world. * Not making a lot of art because your penmanship is terrible and it would just be a blob of nothing. * Your parents forcing you to take guitar lessons because it would help you get into a good school and it actually getting you into a good school. * Kids rarely being good at anything. * The amazing child drummer who amazingly turns into a commensurately even more amazing adult drummer. * Noodling around with a keyboard as an adult being informed by a decade of rigorous piano lessons as a child. * Loving Mechwarrior and spending all of grade school drawing spaceships and giant robots. * Growing up a Scream Tracker kid. * Loading up a song you like into a tracker and digging deep into its technical details. * Explaining that this song is only four channels and 200 kilobytes and your mom remaining unimpressed. * An incredible technical feat that is entirely meaningless to anybody not embedded in its context. * Coming from a position of empathy and charity by default. * Two wooden reeds tied together like a duckbill creating a much smoother sound than a wooden reed resting against a hard surface. * Your band teacher not knowing enough about the bassoon to critique your bassoon playing and your next band teacher switching you to piano. * Trying to remember all the words you want to look up the etymology of next time you're at a computer. * Conjectural etymology that seems sensible but isn't actually backed up by evidence. * Reading ahead because you are bored in class, but that just meaning you'll be even more bored later. * Getting to 80th percentile of a skill or subject and then moving on to another skill or subject. * Accidentally hiring someone pretty good at both social work and IT work but it being ridiculous to try to hire someone like that on purpose. * The multivarious sub-skills required to run a UPS store. * Not recommending anybody follow your career path because your resume looks like you have some kind of personality disorder. * Nobody wanting to hire a generalist. * Just shipping at 90% done because most likely that's good enough. * Making the news one day but in a year a kid breaking your record. * Everybody being sad because they're not the best in the world and the best in the world being sad because they're not even better. * Getting really good at a skill and then computers taking your job anyway. * Enjoying learning for the intrinsic value of learning.
Yelling Sweater

Yelling Sweater

2020-02-2401:00:20

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * James is working on Galapagos. https://triplefox.itch.io/galapagos * https://twitter.com/Triplefox * http://ludamix.com/ * Jay is on Twitter. https://twitter.com/jaytholen Topics: * 1:38 References dating things and/or making them inaccessible. Examples: older Mystery Science Theater 3000 episodes and that Winter Wonderland song where they say a snowman looks like Parson Brown. Who the heck is that?? * What color is Parson Brown? https://www.datalounge.com/thread/18081042-what-color-is-parson-brown- * "What are your favorite culturally untranslatable phrases?" https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/efee7/whatareyourfavoriteculturallyuntranslateable/ * 9:33 How four-year-olds perceive Lego(tm) * The Game Engine Black Book: Doom. http://fabiensanglard.net/gebbdoom/ * Romero's Sigil Doom episode, featuring Buckethead. https://www.romerogames.ie/si6il * 19:25 Watching behind-the-music documentaries and realizing all the meatheads I was judging from their appearance in music videos in the 90s are as huge music theory nerds as any of my friends. * T-Pain without autotune: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyzlUUqxXYs * 25:06 Groke asks: "Cheap musical instruments are cool, aren't they? Penny whistles, harmonicas, ocarinas... any personal experiences with these?" * The Thomas the Tank Engine theme played on Otamatone. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugWeU5jgIM * The Tastee Bros. play the Olympic Fanfare https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hs5ioAcoY8 * The Tastee Bros. 300 tips for playing a trumpet really high: http://www.gibble.org/high.htm * "A dodecaphonic scream trumpet homage to Christmas the Tastee Bros and Mr Santa. X" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Udvy8XYzH4U * 32:35 Timberwolf/husky breeds and their incredible jaws. * 38:49 Losing the ability to know when things are conventionally aesthetically pleasing. * One Terabyte of Kilobyte Age. https://blog.geocities.institute/ * 53:04 This CPAP machine is really putting a damper on my dreams of growing a Santa beard one day. * "Your Source for CPAP Mask Sealant Specially for Bearded Men" https://cpapbeardandmustacheseal.com/ * "The 'Machine Bow' is a reality!" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hs5ioAcoY8 Microtopics: * Your co-host not saying his last name so you're not sure whether he knows how to pronounce it. * Sometimes working in the same room and sometimes getting coffee together. * Living in Germany and not being able to not bring it up. * Trying to enjoy topical comedy from decades ago. * Trying to enjoy topical comedy from centuries ago and having to rely on footnotes. * Jokes that are so dated nobody even perceives them as a joke. * Liking a joke better before you get it. * Translating a text that is full of French puns into English puns. * A police officer yelling "sweater" at a lady driving down the road. * Trying to find an authoritative answer but only finding answers.yahoo.com. * Parsons being so ubiquitous that everyone must know a "Parson Brown." * Your four year old niece asking you what a Lego is and it probably being a part of a wing from a Toy Story kit or something. * A four year old wanting answers and older people having all the answers. * A giraffe staying forever in a park because you surrounded the park with a fence and it's a happy giraffe. * Playing with Legos with your uncle but not really wanting to build anything and just wanting your uncle to tell you a story about something that already exists. * Trying to evoke a feeling by doing the thing that did it thirty years ago. * Being inspired to try exciting new creative tools but as soon as you get in there it just immediately feels like work. * Games that you need to read a textbook to be able to enjoy. * Seeing something happen once and assuming it's going to happen that way every time. * A baby throwing a cup on the ground over and over again to make sure it falls downwards every time. * Most people having a much higher drive to be cool than you do. * A nu-metal punk sitting at a piano and talking about jazz chords. * Being surprised when people who look fashionable are also skilled. * Having being in your early teens when Grunge hit and that affecting your fashion sense for your entire life. * A photo of your nu-metal phase somehow not ending up in Hypnospace Outlaw. * Finding dorky button up shirts some Silicon Valley folks would've worn in the late 90s and making that be just your fashion sense. * Method acting but for video games. * Billy Idol insisting that interviewers need to have read Neuromancer but not having read it himself. * Not having time to read so insisting that interviewers read a book for you and tell you about it while they interview you. * The note getting louder when you squeeze the face. * Thinking an effect is a digital filter but it turns out to just be the mouth opening and closing. * When you put your thumb over the Game Boy speaker and slowly peel it off. * Just sticking the head of a plunger into your trumpet. * Getting a reed instrument for Christmas and not being able to make it make anything that sounds like a note before your mouth gets tired of vibrating. * Learning to hit those high notes because it's cool, not because it's particularly musically useful. * Being obsessed with claves because of Brian Eno's "St. Elmo's Fire," but not being sure how to pronounce "claves." * Finding a melodica in your wife's parents' basement. * Most dogs just looking at your hand but this one bringing its entire jaw over your arm sideways. * Noisebridge being an anarchist collective where anything can happen. * Laughing when your kid does stuff you really ought to be discouraging. * Accidentally teaching a small child to call people fat. * Your kid calling a Wal*Mart customer "fat" and trying to pretend he meant "hat" because she's wearing a hat and the kid emphatically clarifying that no, he meant she's super fat. * Writing in your first-grade journal that you don't like when your parents take you to "the dark place." * Writing in your first-grade journal that "on 911 a fire happens" with an illustration of a burning building but you just meant the TV show "911" about emergency responders. * The borrowed tribal iconography mixed with tech themes that Internet companies to show a new era of togetherness and communication. * Finding beauty in a Geocities web page with random animated images everywhere and a tiled background. * Immersing yourself in an aesthetic until you like it. * Art getting way better when the image links start breaking. * Your sense of aesthetics being your only guide for knowing how to make something. * Slowly learning to trust your sense of aesthetics when people like your work. * Not trusting your own sense of aesthetics and turning to philosophy to come up with interesting aesthetic rules to follow instead. * Trying a new pixel art aesthetic that's even more rectangular than before. * The threshold between mere aesthetic weirdness and people immediately dismissing a work as ugly. * Deliberately choosing your system palette in the way that 8-bit microcomputers and early consoles did not. * Considering yourself done after the first draft of an idea if the idea is difficult and complicated to implement, but iterating if it's simple. * Having an aesthetic plan for growing old. * Doing a cursory Google search before giving up on your dreams. * Not trusting cheapcpapsupplies.com because they probably just want to sell you their CPAP supplies -- but at least it's cheap. * Instagram figuring out that you have sleep apnea. * The potions master brewing up a snoring solution as a punishment. * Dressing up like disguised Santa and if a kid finds out you're santa, pulling open your trench coat to reveal the S emblazoned on your chest. * Having a distinctive laugh for when you're firing your longbow extremely rapidly.
A Buzzsaw Made Of Bananas

A Buzzsaw Made Of Bananas

2020-02-1701:11:34

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * April is Jim's wife again and still a Beast Lord. * https://twitter.com/aprilsaur * https://www1.flightrising.com/lair/463464 * John is a Mystery. Topics: * 2:25 Create a D&D character right now * Drizzt the Drow. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DrizztDo%27Urden * Moai eyes. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moai#Eyes * 12:51 Being friends with people who are more than ten years older/younger than you: not weird until suddenly it is? * Teaching English in Japan. https://www.internationalteflacademy.com/teach-english-in-japan * Nova. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nova(eikaiwa) * 24:31 Being in another country and seeing a person from your own country: is a head nod appropriate or not? * 30:05 You can get Big Mike bananas from a specialty dealer in Miami * https://miamifruit.org/ * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rambutan * 43:04 Relational memory/mind palaces/file structures from long-retired computers * 46:37 What's your preferred method for migrating your stuff from your old computer to your new computer? * 56:43 Willow asks: "Methods for assembling great salads" Microtopics: * Refusing to be a Topic Lord because you're just on Topic Lords to promote your alternative podcast Beast Lords. * Not having anyone to plug this time either but maybe you have a Soundcloud somewhere. * Choosing all of your topics while driving to the zoo. * Containing multitudes and being super excited. * A band of adventurers being led by an operatic soprano. * A party of all bards. * Appropriating spam musubi because it's delicious. * Not technically being part of a band of adventurers but you play a tambourine and own the van. * Stealing the spam musubi from your bass player's bag of holding because they're going to go bad eventually. * Keeping both gold coins and spam musubi in the same bag of holding and having to dig around for the money when you buy anything. * Finally having a dog on this podcast. * Putting your dead dog in every D&D party you're in for the rest of your life. * Putting your dead dog in every platformer you make for the rest of your life. * All your D&D adventures going wrong because you're just musicians and can't actually deal with monsters. * Putting monsters onto the bus to the next town over. * Putting a fishtank bubbler on your bag of holding so all the monsters in there can breathe. * Fixing it then ruining it. * Coming to your chosen profession late in your life. * Age gaps getting less weird as time goes on. * Thinking about watching new TV to be able to relate to young people and deciding nobody has that kind of time. * Old people being full of stories from their lives. * Not talking to your friend as much as you used to because she lives in Ohio now. * Spending your retirement taking care of dogs. * Responding to difficult situations with grace and tact. * Stopping going to work because they stopped paying you. * The English teacher bubble in Japan. * Seeing the only other white person for a mile in any direction and wondering if you should nod at them. * Seeing the only other white person for a mile in any direction and thinking "frickin Americans!" * Not wanting to talk to strangers except in your favorite coffee shop. * Telling your wife something a week ago and then finding out it's a myth and having to correct her on a podcast. * Bananas being especially susceptible to disease. * Replacing the Cavendish banana with an even shittier banana after it succumbs. * Hiding your bananas because if your son sees them he won't be able to think about anything else. * Giving your son bananas because he already poops enough. * Foot-long avocados. * A giant box of intimidating tropical fruit being the best Christmas gift. * Drinking soursop juice tasting flights at a Mexican restaurant. * Bananas that look like a buzzsaw made of bananas. * Your infant son seeing a rambutan and realizing that maybe some things don't go in your mouth. * Haunted fruit. * Remembering trauma that happened when you were way too young to remember stuff. * Visiting your dad in prison and he's wearing fake shoes. * Riding in the back of a pickup truck and sharing Now & Laters with your older sister. * The US government deciding that televising court trials is a terrible idea after televising the OJ Simpson trial. * Knowing when a thing happened because you remember where it happened. * Trying to construct a mind palace like Hannibal and Sherlock and after a day of hard work deciding you don't need to remember anything that badly. * Yelling "story math!" when you correctly predict a story beat. * Realizing at the end of the episode that he's been inside his mind palace the entire time. * Copying your old hard drive onto the new one always working until one day you get an SSD drive and nothing fits. * Paying Dropbox money to get more storage and Dropbox starting to spam you about features you don't care about. * Only having a laptop to more effectively play your favorite web game. * Most people not really having any use for a desktop PC any more. * Having to remember life milestones differently because your life has settled down. * Liking a salad that doesn't have any lettuce in it. * Never having so badly wanted to go make a salad. * Peeling cucumbers so you don't get Cucumber Gas. * A hot cucumber. * Flashing your King.com CEO badge to get into the food truck even. * The burger joint offering you a salad with cheddar cheese crumbles on it and it turns out to just be a slice of cheddar they broke into a few pieces. * Crisping cheddar cheese in the broiler and throwing away the rest of your meal because you've peaked. * Trying to convince your wife that if you add mayo to a cheese plate it becomes a salad. * Not understanding when the young folks talk about going to sleep.
I Don't Want To Be Skin Dad

I Don't Want To Be Skin Dad

2020-02-1001:08:07

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords this week: * Tim made Jamestown and just shipped Jamestown+ on PC and Switch. http://jamestownplus.com/ * Kole makes podcasts at Duckfeed. http://duckfeed.tv/ Topics: * 2:42 Cat trees for humans. * Ninja Warrior. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KJPP7M1hQZE * "Find an American Ninja Warrior Gym." http://www.ninjawarriorgyms.com/ * 7:37 Non-analytical storytelling/writing (flash writing, story time, songwriting) * Alice's Restaurant. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m57gzA2JCcM * 15:08 The ephemerality of AI Dungeon. * AI Dungeon: https://www.aidungeon.io/ * AI Dungeon patreon: https://www.patreon.com/AIDungeon * Art breeder: https://artbreeder.com/ * 25:13 Brett asks: "The assertion that programming and in particular programmers are getting worse." * 36:20 Sonder * "This Is Water." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CrOL-ydFMI * "Laziness Does Not Exist" https://humanparts.medium.com/laziness-does-not-exist-3af27e312d01 * 47:48 What determines if an inanimate object (car, home, golf club) gets a proper name. * 56:09 Fruity Cheezma * "Cheese Tea: It’s Real and It’s Spectacular" https://www.dinnerpartydownload.org/cheese-tea/ * Orbitz (drink). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orbitz(drink) * Jim's Fruity Cheezma outcome: https://twitter.com/mogwaipoet/status/1210328506359414785?s=20 Microtopics: * Releasing the same game over and over again because it keeps being your best move. * Suffering through and finding the magic but still believing you shouldn't have had to suffer. * Asking yourself what the problem is and breaking it down. * Being here for topics. * Understanding that the question you're asking is ridiculous but asking it anyway. * What you want only existing for children because their needs are greater. * Using adult-sized playgrounds for physical therapy. * Using adult-sized playgrounds for physical therapy keeping those blades sharp. * The through line from bouldering to Ninja Warrior to Super Mario Bros. * Watching the first half of Full Metal Jacket and thinking the obstacle course looks really fun. * Putting game show contestants in a video game for the viewers at home but the contestants themselves are just looking at a big green wall. * Professional skaters having skate parks in their back yard. * Doing American Ninja Warrior every day and getting a lot more miles on the tires. * Tony Hawk getting away with skateboarding in a 50-year-old body because he's good enough to not faceplant all the time. * Giving a skateboard to an average 50-year-old and saying "go for it buddy." * Restarting civilization around your business plan. * Making up stories for your children in real-time. * Being a DM except nobody else gets a turn, you just keep going. * Five years of daily practice to wake up your storytelling brain. * Going to an Arlo Guthrie concert because you're old and go to Arlo Guthrie concerts. * All of Arlo Guthrie's songs being twenty minute stories like Alice's Restaurant. * Thinking that advice sounds wise for somebody else. * David Lynch's book on storytelling turning out to actually be about Transcendental Meditation. * Actually possibly having deep insights about the universe while being high on drugs. * Writing a book by just writing down something you already said and it feeling like someone else wrote the book. * Letting the story write itself and then taking credit for it. * Having children because you want to become a great writer. * Incurring $10,000 of hosting costs because you misconfigured your CDN. * A text adventure telling you what you did but not telling you what happened as a result. * Markov chain text generation. * AI replacing musicians and ultimately most art. * AI musicians giving you another album from your favorite band. * Exploring AI generated music and sharing your unique discoveries. * Seeing creative work as the last bastion of human work that AI can't take from us, but being wrong. * Feeling wonder at the achievement but also complete dismay that we've made ourselves irrelevant. * Basic income allowing us to look forward to the machines taking all our jobs. * All the advantages of AI just turning into more profit for billionaires. * Skating through a lucid fever dream and trying to make sense of the chaos, but it's really just chaos. * AI Dungeon being a good improv partner but a terrible game. * AI generated text being effectively sampled at an unknown granularity and having no idea if this is a unique sentence or if it's lifted wholesale from a Sonic fanfic. * Programmers getting worse as a discipline vs. getting worse as people. * Forcing everyone on Earth to participate in NaNoWriMo. * Building software on top of a teetering stack of dependencies 1,000 feet high because your company probably won't last out the year. * Programmers getting better in the same way speed metal guitarists are getting better. * Just making the thing and not caring how you make it because it just doesn't matter. * Not bothering working really hard to do the easy part really well because the hard part is what matters. * Companies being possibly good at their focus and everything else being good enough at best. * Some of your best friends being assholes. * The best programmers you've met being super sociable and cooperative. * Staying and asshole and flaming out because nobody wants to work with you or maturing and sanding off the rough edges and becoming more productive and less of a drag. * Not being sure if your co-workers are nice to everyone or just you because you have seniority. * The coming generation of programmers seeing programming as a hobby or a career rather than an identity. * Blocking the guy driving too fast on the freeway but then it turns out the guy driving too fast was going to the hospital. * Doing your best to live like people invented in storybooks. * Realizing that everyone around you has lives just as complex and nuanced as you or anyone you know. * The violence of walking past someone on the street and dismissing their entire context and history because you have no choice if you want to get on with your life. * Projecting an arbitrary order onto the chaos and definitely being wrong. * Definitely being wrong anyway so why not think a positive thing rather than a negative one. * Changing how you see somebody by imagining them differently. * Conceiving of a universe without yourself at the center. * Flying off the handle because you've had shit piled on you all day and not because you dislike Kole specifically. * Running late about 5% of the time you're driving and also being annoyed by about 5% of drivers going too fast because they're just irresponsible people. * Working hard to build positive interactions and trying to see the best possible version of somebody. * Instagram being a source of misery because you're comparing yourself to the prettiest people's prettiest moments. * Comparing your backstage to someone else's front stage. * Choosing to shape your world such that you're not walking around angry all the time. * Having a boat and the boat having a name. * Not giving your cat a name but permitting it to have a name. * Anthropomorphizing the objects you rely. * Calling it "the mud room" even though there's no mud and no room. * Naming furniture that hurts you "kneebreaker charlie" and not hating it so much because it's a little bit funny. * Thinking of an old car that's always breaking down as being like an old friend who's kind of a pain in the ass but you've been through so much together. * Being happier loving things. * A generic bunny holding an Easter Egg that nobody plays with until you give it a name. * The only time you've bought a plant in your life being that time they put googly eyes on a cactus. * Your roommate who took all the bows off of the presents under the tree and then shit on the floor. * Not wanting to be the skin dad. * Having animals to project love onto so your society is more placid and malleable. * Cats being way more lovable than most human children. * Empathizing with the kid crying on the airplane because you feel like crying too. * The kid who's allowed to scream in the grocery store when if you screamed you'd get thrown out of the store or arrested. * Putting hundreds of googly eyes on a Roomba because you can't just buy two googly eyes and calling it "Kos-ba." * Putting two eyes on the outside of the Roomba and the rest on the inside because you don't want to freak out the squares. * What's fruity, cheezma? * Trying to get your friends to follow the script of your joke but they keep making their own jokes instead. * Tweeting about there being no hits for "fruity cheezma" and now there being one hit for "fruity cheezma." * The cheese tea rocking the boba world. * Copping to a certain amount of midwestern provincialism. * The probability of inhaling boba being very high but it's great though. * Blowing a tapioca ball directly into the mouth of your enemy right as they're inhaling. * The end of your boba beverage being like The Very Hungry Caterpillar. * A dare than someone should not have taken and that someone having possibly been you. * Cream cheese and fruit going together. * The kind of logic you don't want to be applying to food. * Putting all your old food combo ideas on the menu without testing any of them because Fruity Cheezma worked out somehow. * Wanting peanut butter to work with sliced cheese because you can roll it up like a taquito. * Figuring out that milk and Cheerios go together because they're both kind of off-white so next you try orange juice and Cheez-Its. * Cheez-Its staying crispy in orange juice because they're so oily. * A Cheez-It being named Arthur and loving its mother. * The driver in front of you making a right turn on red from the third lane over because she was in a hurry to get to the library and walking up to her to ask for reparations. * A telling being told or not being told.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Tyriq is working on video games including Catacomb Kids: https://fourbitfriday.itch.io/catacombkids and has a Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/FourbitFriday * Avery still made that solo album. https://averyburke.bandcamp.com/releases Topics * 5:12 Reading non-religious texts as scripture. * Harry Potter and the Sacred Text. http://www.harrypottersacredtext.com/ * Orphans of the Sky. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OrphansoftheSky * Generation Ships. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generationship * Water. https://starwars.fandom.com/wiki/Water * Wookieepedia has removed Poggle the Greater so I guess their editors are just as serious-business as Wikipedia's. * Video Game Advisor. https://twitter.com/VGAdvisor * 18:13 I just found out that "pitched battle" means "pitch" as in "sales pitch" as opposed to "fever pitch." * Pitched battle on Wikipedia. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pitchedbattle * Pitched battle on Merriam Webster. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/pitched%20battle * 24:01 How do you really use carrier pigeons? * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Homingpigeon * Pigeon racing. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pigeonracing * 32:05 Larry asks: "Which ship is the best one?" * Earthships. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earthship * Dyson spheres. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysonsphere * Is it Hogwarts or just Britain? https://www.reddit.com/r/harrypotter/comments/ajmpqi/nonbritishharrypotterfanswhataresome_things/ * 40:53 One of two ways of doing a thing. * 52:17 The switch in ancient Greece from clothed to naked sports. Microtopics: * Taking a bite out of a cartoon bird and leaving a tooth-shaped hole, like a cookie. * Empire Records now being more real than Tower Records. * Not remembering record stores. * Mowing your face into a lawn made of tiny green clones of you. * Trusting that in a couple years your record will be classic enough that dads will want it for Christmas. * Trying to glean philosophy and life lessons out of the Bible even if you don't believe it's real. * Trying to glean philosophy and life lessons out of Harry Potter even if you don't believe it's real. * Star Wars being more real than Tower Records. * Mixing methamphetamines and marriage. * Language changing to mean the thing people misunderstand it to mean. * Drinking tea and watching war as if it's a sport. * Wearing enormous flags so people can see at a glance how the battle is going. * Pantsed and unpantsed meaning the same thing. * The union of shells and the union of unshelledness. * The dude whose job it is to take homing pigeons away from home. * Homing pigeons basically being a rubber band. * Defcon attendees hacking the pigeon timestamp machine to win the pigeon race. * Buying a signed shot polisher from the guy who won the International Barista Championships. * Going to the barista gym up keep your skills up between barista gigs. * Coming back from your barista sabbatical and discovering all coffee is now made in node.js. * Not letting anyone else use the espresso machine you convinced management to pay for. * Being both a barista and a bard at GitHub. * Singing to GitHub employees a tale of the GitHub CEOs valor. * The Roman alphabet existing in the Star Wars universe. * Being a huge fan of Dyson spheres. * Shamefully burying your fanfic in the desert, like E.T. * Wanting to live in a pile of garbage. * Wanting to live in a desert house, but not in the desert itself. * Forming complex structures using simple rules. * Wizards just pooping on the ground and magicking it away. * Being furious when someone peels a banana wrong. * Orienting your toilet paper so it's harder for cats to unroll. * Cats sticking their paws under the door. * Being sad because the doors are too flush with the ground for a cat paw to say hi. * Bringing your guitar case to lure your cat admirer away from you. * Waking up screaming about raccoons. * A cat's ability to form a mental model of the world. * Unloading the front door from memory when you get to the second floor. * Never getting the dog you wanted so you get an iguana instead. * Waking up snuggling a cold handbag. * Whether lizards snuggle with sleeping deer in the wild. * Earnestly proposing a Utopia ruled by you and your friends. * Doing the Olympics naked being a week-long fad at best. * Soccer fandoms gaining political power and going to war with one another. * Soccer's popularity fading immediately after its invention, being just one of millions of microsports. * Going into the wrestling pit with a spring loaded revolver up your sleeve. * Voting somebody off the island of Earth. * Biting open your cell phone tooth and the liquid going into a mold in your stomach shaped like a cell phone and pooping out a cell phone. * There also being a mold for a cell tower in your stomach. * Being qualified to gatekeep a culture because you once dated someone of that culture.
Dad Is A Cenobite

Dad Is A Cenobite

2020-01-2701:05:17

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * April is a park ranger at @aprilsaur. * Danny makes video game documentaries at https://noclip.website/ and is on Twitter at @dannyodwyer. Topics: * 4:26 Intentionally teaching your child the wrong word for something. * Dogtooth. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dogtooth(film) * It turns out the kid's mom was talking to him in English at the same time -- a bilingual household. https://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/news/article/13011269/klingon-as-a-second-language * The "I Can Eat Glass" project. https://www.oocities.org/nodotus/hbglass.html * 14:44 Harbinger households. * https://boingboing.net/2019/12/03/harbringer-of-doom.html * 21:29 Men's wallets. * 31:45 Quill asks: "I've been planning to change my name recently. The first name that I came up with is 'Quill,' but I can't think of a good last name to go with it. Could you give me some suggestions, or some advice on how to come up with cool names?" * We used Hitch Switch to change our names and it saved us a lot of work. (It still involved a lot of work.) https://www.hitchswitch.com/ * The Aphantasia study. https://www.eugencpopa.ro/wp-content/uploads/Afantazia-.pdf * 41:17 Shen Yun commercials are literally everywhere. * Shen Yun 2019 official trailer. https://youtu.be/7H-kYoczCp0 * Shen Yun is "essentially, religious-political propaganda—or, more generously, an extremely elaborate commercial for Falun Dafa’s spiritual teachings and its plight vis-à-vis the Chinese Communist regime." https://www.newyorker.com/culture/culture-desk/stepping-into-the-uncanny-unsettling-world-of-shen-yun * How to use an abacus. https://www.ee.ryerson.ca/~elf/abacus/intro.html * How to use a slide rule. https://www.sliderulemuseum.com/SRCourse.htm * Baby friendly movie theaters. https://babyfriendlyamerica.com/2016/06/movies/ * 49:50 Woodpeckers can withstand impacts of 100gs. * Woodpecker eating. https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPhzGpSspSHx1cA1O-FAAtsFu34MZbg-t * A weasel riding a woodpecker. https://www.nationalgeographic.com/news/2015/3/150303-weasels-woodpeckers-animals-science-weaselpecker-photos/ * The best source I could find describing the mechanism of any self sharpening maw: https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1002/adfm.201001546 * 57:24 Being an extremely unimaginative kid. Microtopics: * Reading numbers off of a list because topics haven't been invented yet. * Giving someone a funny look where the funny part is that you're not looking at them. * Cows that are so cute you want to want to put them in your mouth, which would surely kill them. * The fuzzy cows only being fuzzy because it's winter. * Falling off a cliff being the only way to hurt yourself in Ireland. * The song they teach Irish children about American tourists falling off cliffs. * Age differences being insignificant when you're millions of years old. * Knowing two people but calling them both the same thing because one of their names is too hard to say. * Which animals are close enough to a dog to call "dog." * A perfect 1960s household but the dad is a cenobite. * Not being sure if you have bad luck or if you're just a bad person. * Product researchers studying what you like because everything you like fails. * Lying to researchers so companies will still make products you like. * Eating banana flavored corn flakes while you watch Milli Vanilli music videos on your Betamax player and Ralph Nader is the mayor. * Moving to a zip code where all your neighbors have your same contrary taste in products. * A wallet the size of four king-sized Snickers bars. * Finding paradise in the wrong gender's department at Target. * Feeling the thrill of being free of a giant heavy brick. * Having to buy an expensive, fashionable watch because otherwise your peers won't take you seriously. * Taking a photo of your ID and just showing the cop your Instagram. * Getting a non-folding wallet so your dollar bills won't have creases. * Explaining to the barista that the last guy put the crease in the dollar bill, not you. * Promising the barista you won't fold the coffee either. * Getting a note press so this sort of thing won't happen again. * Getting to say your cool last name into a walkie talkie at work. * Technically not appropriating anything because you're just using culture that's already been appropriated by someone else. * A day full of mostly making people happy, for a change. * Changing your last name to Ass and owing royalties to Ass owners. * An opportunity for some serious synergy. * Radio listeners celebrating other radio listeners. * Deciding to throw the blue checkmark people in with gen pop. * Waiting until you're on your deathbed to watch something to maximize anticipation. * The last thing you see before they turn off the dialysis machine. * Missing out on pop culture because you always click "skip ad" as soon as possible. * Advertising your audience into submission. * Trying to explain a slide rule without understanding what a slide rule is. * Watching Alien in the theater with a baby strapped to your chest. * Evolving to not kill yourself when you head butt a tree. * Having an incredibly fancy tongue. * Squirrels eating every single bulb from your string lights to humiliate you. * A peregrine falcon drowning a songbird in a creek while looking you in the eye. * Always being sure to catch the woodpecker with the beak facing away from you. * Letting the other kids on the playground do the imagining for you. * Deciding whether it's actually "great" to "e-meet" you.
Kurt Cobain Vocaloid

Kurt Cobain Vocaloid

2020-01-2001:10:14

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Shannon Strucci does video essays at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCh9DnjvObUcvvwrYbJ4-cLQ and is a film correspondent for http://www.strugglesession.us/ and is a teen superhero on https://www.criticalbitcast.com/ * JP makes stuff at http://vectorpoem.com, especially game tourism mods: http://vectorpoem.com/tourism/ Topics: * 2:43 The pressure to monetize hobbies or perform them for social media vs just having hobbies * 13:25 If you could create a 5 acre island in the middle of the remote south Pacific ocean, what would you use it for? * 17:25 Level design lessons from Hawaii * Goats for hire, preventing wildfires in California. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n56opj5gJhc * Kalij pheasants. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C63tykplkhU * 28:30 "The 2012 Oakland Athletics adapted 'Movin' Like Bernie' into their celebration routines after Coco Crisp played the song for third baseman Brandon Inge in the team's clubhouse before a game." * Oakland A's Bernie Lean: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJMBmsK5hXc * BOILeR season 2017 playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLj5IcL4eAydWVS2hTWFIjB7YFJBwt4D3A * 34:07 Fictions that, as a throwaway gag, exist within their own worlds (Remembrance of the Daleks, JoJo's Bizarre Adventure) * Dick Justice: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3epcX07t78M * Simlish pop songs: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLeTlCMqy3jFUUeqNhjiPBO88SU2PXZqI * 46:05 First time you tried your favorite foods? Especially if you first tried them as an adult * Brussels Sprouts are less bitter than they used to be. https://www.npr.org/sections/thesalt/2019/10/30/773457637/from-culinary-dud-to-stud-how-dutch-plant-breeders-built-our-brussels-sprouts-bo * 52:06 Time Trap and creating mysteries from the outside in * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TimeTrap_%28film%29 * A definitive Timeline for Primer: https://unrealitymag.com/at-last-a-definitive-timeline-for-primer/ * The self-lacing Nike MAG. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NimGxU4Qnhk Microtopics: * Being confused by the existence of two separate Shannons. * Video games where nobody bothers you, and arguably that being the whole point of video games. * Doing calligraphy on Twitch. * Doing calligraphy just for yourself and that being way better. * The cost of getting more than one kind of value out of something. * Having an audience and feeling the need to entertain the audience whenever possible. * Finally deciding to get a real job because you have a kid on the way. * Imagining having a job as a programmer and not being happy about it. * Doing creative work in private because you're not good enough to do it publicly. * Producing a complete song in five minutes when it takes five years to make a game. * Always being able to see the geological phenomenon that will take your life one day. * The base of the Sutro Tower basically being a Quake level. * Being shot at as you approach the Sutro Tower. * Seeing Batman's head and knowing which way to go. * DragonCon's failure to produce parchment realm maps. * Hawaii having lava, hostile creatures and good landmarking. * Playing your anime theme song on your phone as you show up at the manga and wall scroll store with your katana. * Having an animated gif that represents your identity. * How to turn Binding of Isaac into an e-sport. * Stupefyingly long TV series lifetimes. * Text-to-speech deepfakes. * Chopping up Garret's voice to create dialog for your Thief fan mission. * Measuring Ian McKellen's voice and sending the data to people who have never heard Ian McKellen so they have plausible deniability. * Living on your own and eating Indian food for the first time. * Discovering a new continent at the Indian buffet. * Not wanting to eat a salad because probably there are bugs in there. * Stepping stones to eating sushi. * Food preferences being heavily shaped by first impressions. * Liking Primer two different ways, ten years apart, and being right both times. * The important lesson being hidden behind the interesting puzzle. * Unsolvable mysteries that haunt you for the rest of your life. * Enclosing a narrative with another narrative. * Assuming the Wii will remain ascendant because it's 1989 and Nintendo dominates your culture. * The story turning to mush when it comes time to actually answer to the question. * The thrill of reactive, improvisational storytelling. * The strength of remaining vague about whether your show is supernatural or not. * Imagining what happens next in a story as a way of enjoying the story. * The nectar that mystery storytelling is trying to extract.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Laura Michet makes both indie games and huge megacorp games and just published a short story in Realms of Runeterra. https://leagueoflegends.fandom.com/wiki/RealmsofRuneterra * Xalavier Nelson, Jr. is a freelance narrative director, currently making An Airport for Aliens Currently Run by Dogs. https://www.patreon.com/StrangeScaffold Topics: * 5:10 Moth Man. Discuss. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mothman * The Leatherman, 10-fingered vagabond. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leatherman(vagabond) * The Kelly-Hopkinsville encounter. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kelly%E2%80%93Hopkinsvilleencounter * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/TheMothmanProphecies(film) * Owls that look like aliens. https://twitter.com/MariettaDaviz/status/1195194263866429441?s=20 * Storytelling, with Odds Bodkin. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rISdBiNhzb0&list=PLR1edeZ72f3yI53wj3WOxSNwlS1Y-b * 18:19 Why aren’t there more types of chair in common use? We have so many chair types in global society and we use basically only Couch and Regular Chair chairs in public. * 26:03 Peeing a thimbleful while pregnant, and other shop talk. * 30:33 Are you more likely to trust any given dog or any given cat? * 36:54 Would it actually be any fun to be an animal? * 45:00 Advantages and disadvantages of different book bindings. Microtopics: * Making an igloo out of rigid body, shadow casting boarding passes. * Cryptids appealing to adult males 18-35. * Cryptids losing their cryptid status when they turn out to be real. * Keeping your fingers because you are wise and have a cave. * Wikipedia pages that really ought to put the subject's finger count front and center. * Confusing Odds Bodkin with Odd Bodkins. * Booking your favorite banjo-playing grandpa to play at your game development megacorp. * Taking a bullet for a friend you wouldn't go to a concert with. * Becoming increasingly annoyed with Richard Gere and his relationship with the moth man. * Distinguishing thrones from non-thrones. * Snarling like an evil prince with your leg over the arm of your throne. * Whether there are more cats indoors or outdoors, especially in El Paso Texas. * Legal prohibition of attempting to disperse a large enough group of cats. * Convincing the judge that your rocking chair was not intended to disperse the cats. * Cat sovereignty. * Rampaging cat unions recognized by the UN. * Reagan sending in cat scabs to replace rampaging cat unions. * Being terrified of military veterans returning home and taking our jobs. * A Jim Stormdancer-shaped hole that an Air Force veteran is destined to fill. * The agent of the greater space, the arch-demon, the plane itself, the car itself, the boat itself. * The rage of seeing a teaspoon of any liquid. * Recording a conversation so you can decide later whether it's ethical to listen to it. * Immediately going to murder. * Trusting a dog to be your accountant. * A dog being much more likely than a cat to be helpful but also being more likely to maim you. * Being a jester for a cat's pleasure. * Being hyper aware of the dark side of dogdom. * Dogs representing in joy in a complicated world. * Needing permission to pee. * Cats not wanting to move to Hollywood. * Cats that are cognizant of a better world they can no longer have. * An animal with a sense of hubris, entropy and regret. * A larger squirrel being mean to you. * Getting the horny disease once a season. * Getting all your horny out of the way at once, like Spock. * Spraying eggs everywhere and not taking up anyone else's time. * When the page curves because the other pages are in the way and the image on the page is annoyingly distorted. * The stigma against the paperback being an act of class warfare. * Wanting the physical trophy of the book on your shelf as much as the experience of reading it. * Appreciating the people who have previously read the same copy of the book you have. * Renting Final Fantasy II from Blockbuster and appreciating the previous player's save file. * Being too mature for fart jokes and then being mature enough to enjoy fart jokes again. * Having to make a noise every time you get out of a chair.
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords this week: * Jenni is let's-playing Flower Sun and Rain with Riff: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kDmj6Kt5pg&list=PLQqCGkS4_4YvUIsmDBnd5vX8W1Fme6vu * Jay is late! Topics: * 2:07 Trying to get immersion in a language when you don't know any native speakers & you're not in the country. * Look at that horse. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5woNs9WRE * 13:52 If you have scars on the inside of your cheek along where your teeth meet, that means your mouth is too small. * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lineaalba(cheek) * Mold-a-rama: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mold-A-Rama * 18:45 When you're not expecting food. * 20:38 Road trips in Germany: paying to pee, no tourist traps. (Though public transport owns for non-leisure trips.) * 31:18 Thomas "Dolby" Robertson's early 90s online music service. * Manufacture of cheddar cheese: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ManufactureofCheddarcheese * Who coined the term "world wide web"? https://www.quora.com/Who-coined-the-term-world-wide-web * 39:07 Being ok with admitting it when you don't know about something. * Quantum suicide and immortality. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Quantumsuicideandimmortality * One Terabyte of the Kilobyte Age. https://blog.geocities.institute/ Microtopics: * Ostensibly being in a hotel to stop an act of terrorism but first having to get someone's mojo back. * A portable computer that you call Catherine. * A time loop, here on Topic Lords. * Quitting that owl. Telling that owl where he can shove his heroin. * Duo Lingo being named after its founder and enforcer, Duo. * Gamification ruining your productivity because you can't help but care about these poorly-designed leaderboards. * This being a video games podcast now, I guess. * Putting in the effort to suck at a game so you can get more out of it. * Doing a couple squats and all the monsters dying and feeling like a badass because of all your gains. * Guessing that a higher intensity means a higher ratio of reps to jogging. * Guessing that lowering the workout intensity will increase your heart rate. * Squatting and catching the coins. * Being surprised that legal let them put squats in the workout game beacuse you can super fuck up your knees by doing squats wrong. * Learning Japanese so you can watch anime while also keeping an eye on that spider. * Asking your co-lord to stereotype an entire species. * Asking your co-lord about the personality of a spider when you made the spider up in this scenario. * Doing the equivalent of the look at the horse thing. * Explaining funny Youtube videos to each other. * A half hour of getting head massages and trying to make a face as if you're enjoying the head massage. * The mind whisk not working when you do it to yourself but a vibrating one might. * Not wanting to swear around clean boys. * Salvaging a terrible kale broccoli smoothie by adding rum. * Frying your terrible kale broccoli smoothie into falafels. * The only memory you have of a dentist being him telling you that you have a tiny mouth. * Not brushing your teeth or going to the dentist for four years. * Jim's good dentist costing twice as much as every other dentist and only being a 12-hour drive away. * The seam on a molded toy where the mold came together. * Knowing what the other person is talking about if it's the same thing that you were just talking about. * Going to the bank and giving them all your change and them giving you back half a black crayon and a couple of flatten pennies with dinosaurs on it and a lego. * Withdrawing all your money from the bank in black crayons. * Putting down the other half of your hot pepper bacon jam and peanut butter sandwich and later taking a bite, forgetting about the hot pepper bacon part. * A prank show that swaps out your half a sandwich with a different half a sandwich. * Getting food poisoning because someone on a podcast from the future gave you a bad recommendation and you paused it before hearing them say they were only kidding. * Searching for Jim Stormdancer who gave you a food poisoning recommendation on a time looped podcast but no results come back because that's not their name yet. * Realizing at the last second that a delicious gulp of Dr. Pepper is actually milk, then it turning out to actually be iced tea. * Beverageception. * How we all left fifty glasses of water in our room in case the aliens invade because that's a normal thing. * Milk not coming out of your glass when you try to drink because it's yogurt now. * Combination sleep mask and headphones. * Turning twenty half-full cans of Dr. Pepper into ten full cans of Dr. Pepper. * Not being able to take the last sip of anything because that sip is tainted. * Convincing yourself that if you just take a smaller sip it won't be the last sip. * Having five euros worth of pee vouchers because nobody actually accepts your pee vouchers. * Not having any concept of what it's like to drive without seeing tourist traps. * Figuring out what the German equivalent of Elvis is and instantly becoming a millionaire. * Starting to optimize your bathroom trips because now there's a currency involved. * The friendly potty making things weird. * The unfriendly potty trying to put it back. * Getting the smallest piece of chocolate imaginable at the end of your chocolate museum tour. * Helping the prince and his dragon friend make some chocolate shoes after the dragon accidentally melts the previous pair of chocolate shoes and melts them. * Brushing up on your chocolate trivia so you can get the sticker that says "Chocolate Genius." * Hiring a writer and telling them "it's a kingdom, and it's chocolatey -- go!" * Trying to convince museum attendees that you aren't exploiting laborers even though there are pictures of exploited laborers right there. * Theatrically fiddling with your synthesizers at because Channel 9 news is here. * Naming yourself after a music technology company because you also do music technology. * Missing an opportunity to name yourself after cheese. * Cheddars that have not undergone the cheddaring process. * Mistaking Thomas Dolby for Thomas Colby and cheddaring him but not getting cheddar for some reason. * Going grocery shopping with your mom and asking her for a candy bar and an Internet World Magazine. * Sticking with Gopher VR because the World Wide Web will never replace Telnet. * The term "World Wide Web" having been coined by Joseph McCarthy to describe Soviet influence in America. * Nodding along but feeling bad about not being able to connect with these people because you're 15 and don't know anything. * Being proud of not knowing about something. * Choosing to not be around people who make fun of you. * Programming being excellent practice for humility because you're demonstrably wrong all the goddamned time. * Wishing that you wanted to go outside more. * Synthesizer enthusiasts knocking over your trash can to look for patch cables. * Living on a canal and seeing a bunch of cool sea creatures all the time. * Spraying tap water into the canal to attract manatees and every one of them having propeller scars. * Watching shuttle launches from your back yard. * Slipping on frozen sprinkler water and somehow not hitting your head on your way down into the canal. * Every person ending up alone in the universe after everyone else has died. * Answering to Betty because you want to be polite and don't want to correct the person who thinks your name is Betty. * Betty Boop shooting to the top of the list of people you don't want to be confused with. * Being confused about whether Betty Boop is supposed to be sexy or a dog or both. * Betty Boop's apparent sexiness being like reading Shakespeare and not knowing what moiety means. * Judging somebody by the trucks you've seen with bootleg stickers of them on the back. * A bumper sticker of John Calvin peeing on whatever he doesn't like. * Inventing your own web safe palette. * Floyd-Steinberg fans high-fiving each other. * Good lording all around!
Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Erica talks about birds and plants on Twitter at @YerrikTRB and wants you to listen to the Frog Fractions 2 soundtrack. https://ryanike.bandcamp.com/album/frog-fractions-2-original-soundtrack * Justin talks about puzzles on Twitter at @firetrucknpl Topics: * 2:34 Children are terrifying. * 8:41 The Frog Fractions ARG, culminating in its Christmas release * The FF2 ARG on the Game Detectives wiki. https://wiki.gamedetectives.net/index.php?title=FrogFractions2 * Befunge. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Befunge * 22:02 Bringing interesting puzzles to people with boring jobs. * Reading with Rover. https://www.readingwithrover.org/ * 28:00 Paraphrased asks: "What were you doing before you're doing what you are now?" * 41:38 Weird Christmas / holiday foods. * Traditional Lithualian Christmas Eve dinner. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C5%AB%C4%8Dios * Lithuanian Christmas Eve recipes. http://www.maskoliunasfamilyproject.com/christmas-eve-recipes-and-others/ * Vinegretas. https://www.receptai.lt/receptas/burokeliu-salotos-su-pupelemis-1455 * Yule Sandwich Log. http://www.midcenturymenu.com/2011/01/the-mid-century-menuyule-sandwich-log/ * 52:37 Weird Christmas / holiday birds. * Passenger Pigeon. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passengerpigeon * 54:12 Incorrect plant genera in video games. * Plants of Star Trek. https://twitter.com/search?q=%23plantsofstartrek * Birds of Google Maps. https://twitter.com/search?q=%23birdsofgooglemaps * Columnar cacti. https://twitter.com/search?f=tweets&q=%23columnarcacti&src=typd * Flora of the Colorado Plateau. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/FloraoftheColoradoPlateauandCanyonlandsregion * Hecho cactus. https://imgur.com/gallery/kVXqnhR * Organ pipe cactus. https://www.nps.gov/articles/organ-pipe-cactus.htm * Cardon, the world's largest cactus. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnWeiSi9s2w * The black bars on the left of the screen in Atari 2600 games ("hmove lines") are caused by repositioning sprites in the middle of drawing the frame. http://www.ataricompendium.com/faq/faq.html#general18 * Extrasolar. https://extrasolar.com/ Microtopics: * People who celebrate Christmas on January 6th. * Addressing the least-served Christmas demographic. * Muting your mutuals because it turns out you have no common interests. * Not being sure if the Frog Fractions 2 Soundtrack liner notes exist any more. * Your three year old opening all the Advent Calendar doors and hiding the chocolates in his Halloween bag. * Your three year old pushing chairs from the kitchen to climb on top of the refrigerator because that's where you keep the cookies. * Developing problem-solving skills long before you develop a sense of ethics or self-preservation. * Your two year old deciding it's time to be a cool pirate and picking the biggest sword possible out of the kitchen knives. * Taking comfort in only half of prehistoric children dying before the age of five, so with modern medicine and safety advances your child has a pretty decent shot. * Half of all children dying before the age of five so they never amass the numbers needed to overthrow the adults. * Your one year old overcoming the child safety lock by ripping the entire door off. * Half your age plus seven being your personal cutoff for when someone stops being a child. * 18 year olds being allowed to vote and drive and get married. * Teenagers having infinite energy to learn and get things done, but no judgement for what are good things to learn or do. * Describing your relationship with your high school student as a jockey/horse scenario but not being sure if he's the horse and you're the jockey, or vice-versa. * Placing bets on the three-legged toddler races. * Taking bets on high school track events being illegal, so that's why a Silicon Valley startup has to do it. * Cleverly tying your collective bragging to the holiday season. * Writing a book about the Frog Fractions 2 ARG and hiding it inside of another book. * Making a GameFAQs-style guide to document how the game works while it's still in your head. * Your Skype work partner probably not looking at the screen, but maybe they are, maybe they know you're not working. * Teaching people to read by having them read to dogs because dogs are uncritical and just love the attention. * Skyping with a dog all day to motivate you to write your book. * Having a friend come onto the show and do a dog voice because real dogs pick terrible topics. * GameFAQs turning out to actually have standards. * GameFAQs rejecting your submission with the rejection note just saying "Boxing." * GameFAQs rejecting your submission with a subtle joke about the previous game in the series. * Actual FAQs being pretty rare on GameFAQs. * Writing an angry letter to the New York Times about your walkthrough being rejected from GameFAQs. * Programming languages that are deliberately constructed to be difficult to think about and work in. * The Museum of Artifacts From Collapsed Timelines. * Leaving your release date in the hands of the players and players deciding you should release on Christmas. * Letting ARG audience members take over your ARG design because you're busy making an executable. * Wanting something to be a commercial success and so hiding it as well as possible. * Reneging on your vow of obscurity at the last second and raking in the dough. * Not being able to put your game on sale because it would violate truth in advertising laws around the world. * Pricing your game high because games should cost money -- but that also meaning people have to pay that money. * Trying to convince the IRS that they've already deposited the check for the amount they're sending you a due notice for. * Enabling your bank teller to feel like a private investigator. * Adding quest flavor text when you ask things of retail workers so they feel like they'll get XP by helping you. * Asking the restaurant pianist to play Happy Birthday in a minor key and the pianist just being grateful that you didn't ask him to play Billy Joel's "Piano Man" for the fortieth time today. * Hearing somebody playing Gershwin in the next practice room over and playing Gershwin with them and them fleeing because the conservatory is haunted. * Asking the librarian to research paranormal activity on your property. * Tracking down the records of everyone who died in a house but entirely ignoring the fractals that may have died in the house. * Not accepting that although some things are known, you'll never know how they're known. * Realizing that economics and economists are dreadful. * Luminary physicists all having killed themselves because nobody took their theories seriously in their lifetimes. * Hiding behind freelance work because you're terrified try to to follow up your accidental success. * Not knowing what you're going to make, but definitely knowing how to sell it. * Bacteria just hanging out and waiting for you to succumb. * The bacteria in your jaw being the true legacy of your life's work. * Taking until your mid-30s to figure out how to work on purpose and not just when you're excited about something. * Sleeping when you want to sleep and getting up after you're not tired anymore. * Meeting a wife and coming to a sleep schedule compromise. * Having more dictionaries than you've ever had in your life. * Thinking your traditional holiday foods are weird until you hear about the other guy's holiday foods. * Pagan traditions intersecting with Christmas in ways that lead to incredibly weird food. * Thinking of whales as fish because you're allowed to eat them on Christmas Eve. * The food you like being impossible to find in a store or restaurant because it's horrifying. * A beet salad made with sour cream and beans and vinegar and peas and carrots and onions and a huge amount of pickles and nobody wanting to try it because it's the color of Pepto Bismol. * Eating poppy seed soup and failing every drug test for the rest of your life. * A puce soy milk served cold. * Skimming off the thick layer of poppy seed fat so your soup won't poison people. * Tiny dumplings representing food for the dead, because the dead don't need to eat a lot. * Pirate Santa, Santa's evil brother who likes puzzles and hiding presents. * Pirate Santa running the Christmas Puzzle Hunt to find all the ingredients for the Christmas appetizer log sandwich. * A Yule Sandwich Log, made from hard-boiled eggs, crumbled bacon, bread, avocado, pineapple, pimento cheese, shrimp, chili sauce, cranberry sauce, deviled ham, peanut butter and a dill pickle, all dipped in cream cheese and decorated with canned pears and maraschino cherries. * A combination of savory, sweet and salty that is pleasing even if you've read the recipe. * A garden gnome except it's a duck. * Decorating a duck for holidays rather than a tree. * Two ninja turtle doves. * Being disappointed with depictions of columnar cacti in popular media. * Being disappointed with depictions of Atari 2600 games in popular media. * Being subpoenaed to the Supreme Court to testify about whether an Atari 2600 video capture is a forgery. * Star Trek either being filmed in California, or every planet in the universe having a mediterranean-style biome. * Plants on Earth being way weirder than alien plants depicted in sci-fi.
Ask The Propagated Cactus

Ask The Propagated Cactus

2019-12-2301:02:57

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Shannon is a time traveler and an unemployed attorney. * Alex likes oranges and drove the getaway car. Topics: * 1:29 What if people propagated like plants? * How succulents propagate: https://collectivegen.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Guide-to-Propogating-Succulents-778x1608@2x.jpg * 8:16 Aphantasia and technical work. * Vividness of Visual Imagery Questionnaire (VVIQ): https://www.eugencpopa.ro/wp-content/uploads/Afantazia-.pdf * Alex scored 22/80. * Shannon scored 68/80 * Jim scored a perfect 16/80 and needs to reevaluate his life, or maybe the test is totally subjective. * Fun fact: if you do not have aphantasia, you are phantastic! [Ed. note: "phantasic", but ok.] * 19:24 Fruit cocktail and manufactured scarcity. * “We offer our maraschino cherries in the following sizes: * Plastic Drum (500 lbs)” https://leelanaufruit.com/maraschino-cherries/ * 25:59 Mike asks "What is the most famous meal of the day?" * Google has an opinion: https://www.google.com/search?q=What+is+the+most+famous+meal+of+the+day%3F * History of Breakfast: https://books.google.com/books?id=5LghYCqDJw8C * Breakfast Around the World: https://www.thedailymeal.com/travel/what-people-eat-breakfast-around-world-slideshow * 30:39 Best smoothie ingredients? * 33:55 Participating in religious ceremonies that aren't your religion. * Common religions with tradition of evangelism: Christianity, Islam. * Common religions without: Judaism, Buddhism, Hinduism, Sikhism. * Oh No Ross and Carrie podcast: http://ohnopodcast.com/ * 59:10 Your friend works in a shower curtain factory. He offers you a free shower curtain with whatever you want printed on it. What pattern do you get? * You can actually get shower curtains featuring the shadow of a knife-wielding maniac. Microtopics: * Not liking oranges because of orange soda and orange-flavored carsickness pills. * Recognizing guest lords from the time they were a time traveler and drove the getaway car. * Growing an entire additional self out of your self if you lose a limb. * Instead of everybody being related to Genghis Khan, everybody actually being Genghis Khan. * The tooth fairy growing clones of you from your teeth. * Each of your tooth clones also losing teeth. * Becoming a shark mom because you escaped a shark attack. * Barbershops installing incinerators so your hairs don't each grow into a full human. * A homunculus made of fingers growing out of your finger stump. * Every animal starting with the butt because the butt is the most important part of any organism. * A new self growing out of your severed finger but also a second self growing out of your finger stump. * Technical workers being worse at envisioning objects or scenes. * Imagining an elephant standing on one foot, wearing a beret, and singing Gizmo's song. * A cartoon elephant standing on its back right leg, on a ball, wobbling to keep its balance, in the savannah, wearing a human-size black beret at the edge of one of its ears, its trunk lifted up, mouth open, the uvula shaking, singing Figaro's Aria. * Thinking of a red cube on a white background. * Imagining Harry Potter turning left at a corner and then the book says he goes right and your mind movie having to backtrack. * An elephant's mouth probably having some teeth in it. * Knowing what a trumpet sounds like in the same way you might know what cinnamon tastes like. * Screwing yourself in a learning process because your teacher doesn't realize how good you are at faking it. * Reinventing the abacus with your body parts. * Turning the slot machine into a foodstuff. * "Oops, All Cherries" fruit cocktail. * Fruit cocktail manufacturers A/B testing cherry ratios. * Liking maraschino cherries because they're delicious. * Hating maraschino cherries because you hate almonds. * Maraschino cherries being flavored with almond extract because cherry pits are toxic. * Solving the murder and it was almond extract all along. * Star inflation in Guitar Hero. * Getting 40 stars being way better than your piddly 5 stars. * Not being able to release this episode because the information in it is too dangerous. * Big Breakfast inventing breakfast to sell more breakfast. * Being confused when someone eats lunch for dinner. * Breakfast looming so large in our minds because what counts a breakfast food is so heavily policed. * Drinking a smoothie and being like "what would be the ultimate smoothie?" * Saving your smoothie for last because it'll be the best one. * Refusing to put fruit juice in your fruit smoothie. * The tipping point at which your smoothie stops being a smoothie and stops being a sorbet. * Taking any cuisine and reimagining the fast food industry around it. * The manifold advantages of hamburgers. * Making chicken tikka masala portable by putting it in a samosa. * Making chicken tikka masala portable by running it through a food processor with naan and drinking it through a boba straw. * Mainlining chicken tikka masala through a one-inch boba straw. * Participating in religious ceremonies while not believing in them or knowing how they work. * Using a small child as an excuse to go to every church. * Trying to use a small dog as an excuse to go to every church but the churches not being super into dogs. * Using a small child as an excuse to do things you'd otherwise be too lazy to do. * Not knowing how to take communion and the guy with the piece of bread just shaking his head sadly at you. * Kneeling perfectly still for two hours in a Shinto ceremony and then suddenly having to get up and come forward and falling into the person behind you because your legs had fallen asleep. * Americans not really knowing how to squat either. * Hanukkah being always the same day on the Jewish calendar but being a roving day on the Gregorian calendar. * Not having any particular bad experiences with organized religion but thinking it's more trouble than it's worth. * Secular churches for atheists who miss the community of church. * Americans becoming atheist and eventually having to figure out how to get back what they lost when they abandoned religion. * The nuclear family only having been invented after World War 2. * Looking fondly on living in a dorm because you were living with a bunch of friends. * Living with a bunch of friends and everybody looking at you funny even though that's how humanity lived for most of its existence. * Avoiding groups because you're frustrated by group-think. * Accepting that a little bit of group-think isn't the end of the world. * Having a good one-on-one relationship with your wife and then ruining it by adding a kid. * Feeling like a boomer because you don't understand how your friends use emojis. * Adding a meta chat room where you try to figure out what the regular chat room is trying to say. * The chick hatching out of an egg emoji meaning "oh that's cute" but the deer emoji meaning "oh dear that's concerning" and the hatching chick with antlers emoji meaning "that's cute but also concerning." * The compromise between efficiency of communication and the difficulty of learning your new language. * Making your shower curtain out of chainmail. * A shower curtain with an image of what is exactly behind the shower curtain. * Having a clear shower curtain so you can see if there's a murderer in the shower without opening the curtain. * A clear shower curtain with a tuxedo body on it so you can take selfies that look like you wear a tux in the shower. * A motorized showing curtain with all the books you don't have time to read printed on them. * Not being able to wash your hair because you have to keep reading. * Allowing your guest lord to be a topic lady. * Not remembering the catchphrase.
I Hate This Gilded Boat

I Hate This Gilded Boat

2019-12-1601:06:46

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * Ryan Ike is a composer at @RyanIkeComposer. Where The Water Tastes Like Wine is now available on Switch! * Gary Butterfield is a podcaster at @GaryBuh (terfieldPodcaster). He will be torturing himself for your entertainment from Dec 20-23. http://duckfeed.tv/duckstream/ Topics: * 4:45 How long do you spend on media you don't like before giving up? * 19:05 What if food screamed when you ate it?? * Barbershop performers usually sing major 7th chords in just intonation. For all the gushing over it in the citations, to my ear the "comparison with equal temperament" at the bottom of the page just sounds grossly out of tune. 31 cents flat, yuck. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harmonicseventhchord#Barbershopseventh * 26:46 The SP-1200 and other fetishized creative tools. * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E-muSP-1200 * Making beats with the SP-1200. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npkxjOTkZBM * "'You feel the power in the click,' PewDiePie proclaims while taking his new gaming mouse for a test drive." https://manofmany.com/featured/pewdiepies-camera-desk-setup-gear-money * 35:12 If you had anything close to Kojima's level of auteur power in your field, what would you do with it? * 45:05 How would you be useful in a post-apocalypse? * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dunbar%27s_number * 53:30 Why can't we run in a non-athletic setting? Microtopics: * Introducing yourself like a Pokemon. * Graduating to being level two e-friends. * The Spider-Man channel, the Ice Man channel, and the Firestar channel. * Consuming things between now and when you die. * Making game as if people have nothing to do but play your game. * Being okay with never consuming the art you purchase. * Min-maxing your enjoyment you have before you become a pile of inanimate carbon. * Checking in on The Ice Man Christmas Spectacular and it's already snowing. * Failing to explain the Battle of the Bulge. * The intended cadence of using two question marks. * Topic Joker's Trick. * Associating the sound of screaming with everything tasty. * String cheese yelling "string cheese" as you eat it to raise string cheese awareness. * Everyone remembering where they were when food started screaming. * Deaf people all remembering when they got Subway and learned to hear. * David Fincher's Seven 2: Ate. * The wailing of the ghosts of Hades echoing through Hamilton Middle School. * The screaming and eating minutes. * The horrible price of being a Topic Lord. * All the layers of your sandwich singing like a barbershop quartet. * Humanity learning to photosynthesize. * The glucose in an IV drip whispering the time you'll die as it goes into your vein. * Mailing your representative to ask them to vote no on the Screaming Food Act. * The totemic power of a sampler with 256k of ram. * PewDiePie endorsing a particular brand of streaming microphone. * Making a cooking knife made out of dinosaur bones. * Recording a song with Kurt Cobain's guitar. * Recording a song with a guitar made from Kurt Cobain's body. * A rock legend being bone-morphed into a Stratocaster. * Being totally down with your bones used for something cool. * Being a Topic Knave. * Being called a genius until it breaks you. * Being confused about whether a boat is a fortunate or unfortunate boat. * Putting together a team to make the game to match your vanity soundtrack. * Making a soundtrack you could paint on the side of a van. * Auteur power inevitably turning you into a monster, and choosing to lean into that. * Living with the comfort hose pointed at your face. * Having no knees and a lot of money. * Eating yourself because you are among the 1% most self-actualized. * Dancing in a cage for a warlord because nobody needs your chiptune cover of Carry On My Wayward Son after the screaming vegetables cause World War 3. * Getting real good at the spoons because pianos are too heavy. * Accidentally starting fires with your thick prescription glasses. * Murdering every Applebee's employee so you're the best chef in your future village. * Being good with children even though you hate them. * Terrifying passers-by because you just wanted to get your shopping done faster. * Running to catch your yogurt like it's a bus. * Onlookers wondering why you're always breaking up with Janine every time they see you. * Thinking you're going to get a free sample but instead getting a sales pitch. * Talking into a celery stalk to get out of an awkward situation.
I Love A Good Mind Poop

I Love A Good Mind Poop

2019-12-0901:06:07

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords: * April is a Park Ranger and a Beast Lord and Jim's wife * Ryan Ike Composer is a topic bucket at https://twitter.com/RyanIkeComposer/ Topics: * 4:58 Inventing secular rituals for children * 19:25 Playing a Tabletop RPG can make you a better person * 33:02 Which key is most fun to jam in, on the piano? * The Strong Songs episode about "I Wish," by Stevie Wonder. http://strongsongspodcast.com/i-wish-by-stevie-wonder * "I Wish," by Stevie Wonder. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYKYka-PNt0 * Perfect Pitch. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absolutepitch * A=432 tuning. https://attunedvibrations.com/432hz-healing/ * Patent: Vibrating toilet seat. https://patents.google.com/patent/US4920583A/en * 40:30 The Muddler asks: "What would happen if we outlawed moss, botanically and culturally?" * Reintroducing wolves to Yellowstone. https://youtu.be/ysa5OBhXz-Q * 47:27 Monster Kabinett is a robot-hell you can pay to go to in Berlin, why don't we have these here? https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/monster-kabinett * The cliffs of Dún Aonghasa. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/D%C3%BAnAonghasa * Oneonta falls. https://www.whentobewhere.com/travel-listing/oneonta-gorge-lower-oneonta-falls * 58:18 "Dance Monkey," by The Tones and I. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q0hyYWKXF0Q Microtopics: * Taking the beast lord before someone else does. * Being the bucket. * Being rooted to the ground and going down with the ship. * Brains autocorrecting puns out of existence. * Vouching for a deer prancing across a beach. * Not marrying someone born in the early 2000s. * Getting into that bucket. * Getting to sing in a room that's made for singing in. * A cat wanting to get into the recording studio really bad. * A cask of amontillado situation except the cask is the entire world outside the recording studio. * Choosing to consciously develop rituals for your son. * Throwing all of spirituality out with the bathwater. * Going to Hell even though you tried your best. * Being a steward of the land. * Recoiling from going out in public because social media has drained all your life energy. * Calling a dog a good dog when they're just being a dog. * Having a quiet reflection about the Solstice in the middle of a labyrinth. * Changing your real name because your pseudonym is better. * The murder squad rolling out. * Giving polygons the business and feeling bad for them. * Figuring out how to be a good person even though you're literally a monster. * The laws of physics demanding that you torture a goblin. * Turning into a grouse and being like "peace out, losers." * Creating an even worse relationship dynamic but at least this one isn't racist. * Rolling up a CVS middle manager for your D&D one-shot. * Working to become blind but always knowing you could work harder. * Meeting someone who won't admit that they like fun shapes. * Your local goth park ranger with a tattoo covered in flowers. * A toilet seat that vibrates at the brown note. * Knowing from experience that eventually you run out of poop. * Clicking random grids while you think about moss being illegal. * Outlawing Kate Moss as an unintentional side-effect of your moss legislation. * Being the moss lord. * Being the moss beast. * Muddling your mimosa because you're ahead of the curve. * Not drinking, but knowing so much about it that it'd be dangerous if you did. * Moss turning out to be the linchpin to global biological harmony. * Taking the time you used to spend itching and spending it reproducing. * Everybody being everything. * A Delightful Nightmare. * Having to wait because Mother is not ready yet. * Mother being ready now. * Mother turning out to be a free-roaming robotic spider about the size of a smart car. * Mother malfunctioning and kicking an aluminum folding chair across the room. * Mother vibrating out of the way like a cheap hotel bed. * A robot sticking out of the wall with crazy proboscis lips. * A robot that knows how to use chopsticks. * A flesh robot playing German industrial metal while you try to escape. * Mother remembering you and wanting to drink your blood. * Guessing sweaters until the beast lord tells you to stop. * A tourist attraction with a bunch of signs saying "don't come here" * Not wanting to die but on the other hand wanting a cool inscrutable death. * Having an animated gif of your cool death on your tombstone. * Joanna Newsom doing Aretha Franklin. * Not wanting to admit whether you're a doctor. * Playing a miniature game of snake in the spreadsheet that only you can perceive. * Still not having a catchphrase. * Being the beast bucket.
hotcoldman@hotcoldmail.com

hotcoldman@hotcoldmail.com

2019-12-0201:07:13

Support Topic Lords on Patreon and get episodes a week early! (https://www.patreon.com/topiclords) Lords this week: * Jenni is on Twitter as @horsewizrd and wants you to back Aaron Reed's Subcutanea: https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/subcutanean-a-novel-where-each-copy-is-different#/ * Chris is a social media ghost. Topics discussed: * 1:46 There are SO MANY VEGETABLES when you peek outside cultural silos. SO MANY that we don't use or know about. * https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buddha%27shand * 8:25 Concrete pipes stacked in vacant lots becoming the warp pipe. * I Am Error, by Nathan Altice: https://mitpress.mit.edu/contributors/nathan-altice * The Surprising History of the Warp Pipe: https://reichanjapan.wordpress.com/2016/02/24/the-surprising-history-of-the-warp-pipe/ * The Enigma of Amigara Fault: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gyo#%22TheEnigmaofAmigaraFault%22 * 16:45 Recurring segment: Jim's Baby Thigh Thickness Watch? * 23:48 ZZT * The Museum of ZZT: https://museumofzzt.com/ * Jim's interview at the Museum of ZZT: https://museumofzzt.com/article/201/an-interview-with-jim-crawford-frog-fractions-2-and-zzt * Where Are The Cowboys??? https://museumofzzt.com/file/w/Cowboys.zip * Funny Kumquat: https://funnykumquat.blogspot.com/2011/10/jokes.html * Shrek Retold: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pM70TROZQsI * Star Wars Uncut: https://vimeo.com/34948855 * "Our future selves are strangers to us." https://slate.com/technology/2017/04/why-people-are-so-bad-at-thinking-about-the-future.html * 41:16 Creative work (writing especially) looks like you're doing nothing, from the outside, a lot of the time. True for other creatives? * 47:23 Food As Revenge * Revenge Bento: http://www.iromegane.com/entertainment/foods/the-japanese-wives-revenge-bento-after-the-fight-shikaeshi-bento/ * 53:01 The "Only" comma * https://www.arrantpedantry.com/2019/10/24/the-only-comma-pt-1/ * Hups! https://en.bab.la/dictionary/finnish-english/hups * ANUG: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acutenecrotizingulcerativegingivitis Microtopics: * False promises about updating a podcast in-place. * Finding a creepy lemon hand in the Safeway lying there like a monkey's paw. * Finding citrus fruit in the toilet. * Finding talking fruit in the toilet. * Whether the toilet is a dish or a soup. * Accidentally paying $11 for cashew milk. * Asking the cashier to remove a weird squash. * Distracting the cashier with pictures of missing nuts. * The nut abduction clinic. * A grape that you have to peel like a shrimp. * A grape that is constantly pooping itself. * Writing grants for prawn farmers. * Draining the entire pond to grab all the prawns. * Sound re-use in Super Mario Bros. * Tropes that are boring in Japan but still interesting in other cultures. * King of the Hill being a relatable honor story about a salaryman. * Misutā Supākoru. * Imitation concrete pipes that won't roll over and crush you. * Being too socially inept to realize you're being excluded. * Trying to kill half your friends but only in retrospect. * The Goat Simulator stage of baby development. * The Goat Simulator stage of game development. * Being at the pinnacle of your child body. * Realizing halfway through the creative process that you should've been writing a novel. * Dying and giving a soliloquy about so dying representative democracy. * Having pages of justification for why you're covered with nipples. * The story about missing cowboys actually being about North Korea. * Not wanting to share your kumquat jokes. * Explaining a meme from 2010 to your grandchildren. * Sisqo playing a love interest dentist. * Replacing the love interest in the sequel. * Hangover 2 just having another hangover in it. * Making friends with Mexican paramilitary organizations to save the world. * Raising your child on a diet of guns and kung fu before the government takes him away. * The most woke Shrek movie. * Deciding whether you want to hear "All Star" literally all the time. * Moving pieces of paper around and not being sure you're making anything better. * Being yelled at by your sister to wash potatoes faster. * Your yelling sister following you from job to job. * A sandwich being well beyond your cognitive load. * Ordering a viking at Subway. * Eating the devil given physical form every Wednesday for lunch. * Writing summoning words in your sandwich order. * Thinking of the exact same demon as your guest lord. * Writing an entire sentence with no commas at all because commas make you pretentious. * Putting a period in your minimalist font because you have to be able to refer to "Dr. Awesome." * Agreeing that "UPS" is a one-syllable word. * That one Finnish word that Jim still uses regularly. * Singing "Finnish Affectation" to the tune of "Wave of Mutilation" * Legislature that would force corporations to pay ongoing rent for the space their jingles take up in your brain. * Getting scurvy to cure your trench mouth. * Trading your oral health for the opportunity to make weird troll games for a living.
Very Hype About This Apple

Very Hype About This Apple

2019-11-2501:03:59

Lords: * JP recommends Esperpento. http://esperpentotapasrestaurant.com/ * Styger recommends Esperpento and Yamo. https://www.theinfatuation.com/san-francisco/reviews/yamo Topics: * 1:52 A brief history of JP using "Lords" as a comedy word, 2008-present, and why British people will probably never "get" this quasijoke. * 9:00 Emergency preparedness! * The SFFD neighborhood emergency response team: https://sf-fire.org/neighborhood-emergency-response-team-nert * 16:55 The apple with a launch date. https://story.californiasunday.com/cosmic-crisp-apple-launch * 23:15 Larry asks: "Are there horses" * Miniature horses as service animals: https://duckduckgo.com/?q=miniature+therapy+horse&ia=images&iax=images * 28:39 Being an amateur naturalist from another part of the country. * Sneakers: navigating San Francisco by sound. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KuIheGaiFLM * "Watch Dogs 2: Touring San Francisco's Famous Landmarks" * https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1F9l19j4XY * 43:15 What makes some hotels scarier than others? * "It should be illegal for horror movies to advertise." https://twitter.com/okexactly/status/1185756975612727297?s=20 * "If you make that film as a bleak drama, then we’re making it for like, an audience of three. So what might be a deterrent to an audience in one genre suddenly becomes a virtue in another, and it just felt like a no-brainer to channel that through a horror-movie filter." https://www.vulture.com/2018/06/hereditarys-ari-aster-breaks-down-his-upsetting-film.html * Scratch and sniff feelie in Leather Goddesses of Phobos. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LeatherGoddessesofPhobos Microtopics: * Hypothesizing about how much business your internet review gets a small business. * A restaurant in San Francisco somehow not going out of business. * Reassuring meme carriers that they are still good people. * Majestic yet ridiculous muscledudes. * Dreaming a GDC talk. * Taking the "lord" title seriously because you are probably ruled by literal lords. * Our sister podcast across the pond, Topic Senators. * Distinguishing lords from non-lords by their shoulder armor. * Preppers going from being a joke to an aspiration. * Realizing that literally none of your skills would help you in the apocalypse. * Drinking pee through a Life Straw and it still tasting like pee. * California-branded disasters. * Naming your produce via an Internet poll. * Produce having a launch date. * Lining up at Safeway for produce's midnight launch. * Eating berries exclusive to your region. * Believing horses still exist because you've seen them once. * Being almost sure horses aren't a hoax. * Inserting horses into the historical record. * Duckbilled platypi being obviously bullshit. * Every platypus having been secretly manufactured by the Tyrell Corporation. * LA and San Francisco merging because Philip K Dick didn't predict rising construction costs. * Finding out that miniature horses can be service animals. * Service ponies in the soup aisle. * Someone defacing an explanatory sign to make people believe that horses can be service animals. * Miniature ponies being grandfathered in. * Everyone choosing the mockingbird as their state bird. * Being annoyed that trees are the wrong trees. * Being young enough for them to just be trees I guess. * The sky being the wrong sky. * Seeing freeway exit signs for Jupiter. * The Golden Gate Bridge getting wrecked. * A story being grounded in geography. * Stepping out of the movie theater into the neighborhood the movie you saw was set in and feeling like you're still in the movie. * Everyone's effective hometown being San Francisco because that's where every movie is set. * Getting experience points for taking selfies. * The Coit Tower secretly being a giant hologram full of horses. * The arbitrariness of what makes a hotel scary. * The horror of a hotel room possibly having bedbugs. * Not being scared by a movie because you chose to watch it. * The cute robot doing all the murders. * The TV edit of Robocop somehow being even more traumatic. * Sneaking an art house movie into your horror movie. * No longer being affected by supernatural horror but being terrified of movies with car accidents. * The implicit social contract that horror movies shouldn't address the horror of real life. * The ethics of advertising horror movies. * The ad that places a horrible idea in your mind and promises closure/the antidote if you pay for the full movie. * Buying a tub of baked beans at the concession stand and feeling good for five minutes. * Refilling the essential oil cartridge for gunfire. * Not wanting to smell Bioshock, or most video games really.
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