Two Open Doors

As humans, we all want to have love in our lives. That may mean somewhat different things to different people. Still, the need to feel seen, accepted and supported probably comes as close to being a universal human desire as any that we’re likely to find.In this episode, we’ll explore how a person can invite love into their life. As we’ve noted in prior episodes, “love is a verb”: it’s something active, not passive. Love comes to those who have prepared themselves to b...

In the late 1990s, a new word came into the popular lexicon: “incel”, which is a contraction of the phrase “involuntary celibate”. The incel phenomenon seems to have continued to expand since then.In this episode, we’ll examine the meaning of this term, with a focus on the underlying feelings and attitudes that accompany it. We’ll see why it’s a trend that’s noxious and damaging to society, especially by undermining social respect for women.Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship ...

One of our sources of satisfaction in being in a loving relationship is the knowledge that we are special in the eyes of our lover. The resulting feelings of elation and contentment remind us of the preciousness of our relationship.In this episode, we’ll consider why feeling special matters, and how it contributes to strengthening an intimate connection.Dr. Claude Cruz is a relationship and intimacy coach based in the Portland, OR area. He holds a PhD in Human Sexuality from the Institu...

What happens when the initial rush of excitement and allure fades in a relationship? How do those usually-inevitable changes affect the course and evolution of the relationship? As we all know, all too often the fabric of the relationship starts to fray, perhaps causing the partners to move in different directions.In this episode, we’ll focus on some attitudes and behaviors that can help preserve the health of an intimate relationship. While change is the norm in the course ...

Nowadays, people who inhabit even moderately-advanced countries live in an “always-connected” world. Our mobile phones, tablets and Internet access provide essentially instant access to people scattered across the globe. This pervasive connectivity affects how we establish deep connections with others. Internet-based apps enable us to find and communicate with potential kindred spirits, both locally and across large areas. We can now “fish” for prospective intimate par...

Most intimate relationships are created by partners who share a similar age, socioeconomic standing, and lifestyle. There are, however, examples of deep connections that exist between partners who are quite different from one another, at least as seen by an outside observer.In this episode, we’ll consider one such possible atypical combination: that between partners who differ significantly in age. We’ll consider what such relationships might offer, what challenges they pres...

In many previous episodes, we’ve noted that self-knowledge is a central pillar for the ability to form healthy relationships. Self-knowledge enables a person to set relationship goals that are appropriate for them, and it also encompasses a clear understanding of one’s boundaries and desires.In this episode, we’ll take a look at a related concept, specifically that of authenticity. As we’ll see, authenticity is the result of living one’s life in accord with a self-knowledge-based ...

The sense of touch is one of the richest channels through which we humans connect with our world and with other people. It’s what underlies so-called “haptic” (or touch-based) communication. Beyond conveying a wealth of information, touch is also a powerful vehicle for validating and providing support between people.In this episode, we’ll explore the nature of touch, to understand why it plays such a central role in our lives as embodied creatures. We’ll also delineate sever...

Ours is a very youth-focused society. In America, perhaps more so than in other Western societies, I see a tendency to focus on the diminishment that comes with age--- while ignoring or downplaying the possible benefits and satisfactions that can accompany a long life well-lived.In this episode, we’ll consider how this focus affects social perspectives on sex and intimacy. We’ll see how making negative assumptions about our enjoyment of sex in our later years can reduce our qualit...

Polyamory is a form of ethical non-monogamy that is slowly making its way into our societal mainstream. (As we’ve noted in previous episodes, monogamy or serial monogamy comprise the vast majority of socially-sanctioned long-term committed relationships in our society--- but perhaps 5% of adult intimate relationships in the US are polyamorous.)As someone with years of immersion in the polyamorous community, I’ve noted a number of relationships that their participants label as polyamorou...

Lifestyles that fall outside our society’s mainstream often come with associated terminology that is unfamiliar and potentially confusing to many. While labels can be misleading or artificially confining, they can also clarify important concepts.In this episode, we’ll explore three terms that describe non-traditional relationships: open relationships, swinging, and polyamory. We’ll see how these are related, and how they each describe potentially rewarding alternatives to mainstre...

One of the guiding principles for physicians is captured in Hippocrates’ admonition to “first, do no harm” in the process of trying to help a patient. The Hippocratic Oath includes a similar commitment. These statements remind physicians of their commitment to try to improve the well-being of their patients.The spirit of “first, do no harm” applies to the conduct of healthy relationships, as well. If we care for someone, we will focus our efforts on bringing them good (as be...

The well-known sex educator and podcaster Dan Savage has stated his belief that all loving relationships are transactional. In contrast with that, there is the proposal that true love is unconditional. Can these two polar positions be reconciled?In this episode, we’ll consider what it means for a relationship to be transactional, and we’ll also envision what an unconditional relationship might look like. We’ll then consider what these two perspectives have in common, to try ...

Connecting intimately with another human being can sometimes be a scary thing. Deep connection requires vulnerability and radical authenticity, and both of those can expose a person to potential hurt. Yet, without accepting the risks inherent in relationship, one cannot reap the many benefits of deep connection.In this episode, we’ll consider why risk is inherent in relationship, and we’ll then entertain how that risk can be managed. That will help clarify why courage is a p...

In our last two episodes, we considered the idea of socially-constructed “sexual imperatives” that constrain our sexual expression, as described by Dr. Emily Nagoski in her new book, “Come Together”. We then examined the possibility of living an “erotic” life, in which all of our experiences are expressions of the flow of life-energy.In this episode, we’ll take a look at a kind of experience that becomes possible when we’re living a life in touch with our erotic essence. We’ll exp...