Unparented

"I'm so sorry about your parents.""Thanks. It's okay."The response comes quickly, even when nothing about the loss feels okay. Sometimes "it is what it is" expresses acceptance. Sometimes it protects a boundary or saves us from explaining our grief in a place that cannot hold it. It can also help everyone escape an uncomfortable conversation.In this episode of Unparented, I look at what these familiar phrases may be doing beneath the surface. He explores the fear of burdening other people, the difference between acceptance and resignation, and why choosing not to talk is not automatically avoidance.Why grieving people may reassure the person offering sympathyHow other people's discomfort can shape what we say about lossThe difference between accepting a death and deciding that no support can help afterwardWhy silence can be a healthy boundaryMore honest ways to respond without sharing your entire storyA private exercise for discovering what may come after "it is what it is"Finish this privately:It is what it is, and...You might write:It is what it is, and I hate that this is my life.It is what it is, and I miss having someone to call.It is what it is, and I do not want to talk about it today.It is what it is, and I wish someone would ask a better question.You do not have to share the answer. The exercise helps you notice whether the phrase feels like acceptance, a needed boundary, or a way of disappearing from the conversation.If this episode brought something into focus and you want help naming where grief is showing up in your life, I offer complimentary Grief Map conversations. You will take a practical look at what you are carrying, where it is affecting you, and what kind of support may help.Learn more or schedule: https://www.robertdelfave.com/coachingWebsite: https://www.robertdelfave.comBook, The Other Side of This: The Messy Truth About Grief for Teens: https://www.robertdelfave.com/bookPodcast: https://www.robertdelfave.com/podcastNina R. Jakoby, "Talking About Grief: Conversational Partners Sought by Bereaved People"Vanessa Juth and colleagues, "Social Constraints Are Associated with Negative Psychological and Physical Adjustment in Bereavement"Emily A. Butler and colleagues, "The Social Consequences of Expressive Suppression"Margaret Stroebe and colleagues, "Does Disclosure of Emotions Facilitate Recovery From Bereavement?"George A. Bonanno and colleagues, "Grief Processing and Deliberate Grief Avoidance"This episode offers general education and personal reflection. It is not mental-health diagnosis, treatment, or advice for an individual situation.

A photograph you cannot explain. A question from your child. A small detail about your own life that only your mother or father would have known.In this episode of Unparented, Robert DelFave explores what happens when the people who remembered your early life are no longer available to answer your questions.Robert shares a childhood memory of eating McDonald’s breakfast with his father and watching planes at the airport. Years later, he recognized how those mornings may still shape something he enjoys today.Drawing on research into autobiographical memory and the long-term experience of early parental loss, Robert considers why seemingly ordinary questions can carry so much weight. Sometimes we want a missing fact. Sometimes we want a conversation with someone who knew us before we could remember ourselves.The episode also makes room for complicated families, conflicting memories, unsafe relationships, and questions that may never receive satisfying answers.In this episode:How conversations with caregivers help us understand and organize memories from our lives.Why new questions about a parent can emerge years after their death.The difference between wanting information and wanting to be remembered.Why you are not responsible for anticipating every future question before someone dies.How milestones, parenting, and ordinary moments can renew grief.Ways to approach relatives or family friends when you want to ask about the past.Why another person’s memory can be meaningful without becoming the definitive version of what happened.How to acknowledge an unanswered question without turning it into a project you must solve.A question to take with you:What would I ask, and what do I hope the answer would give me?You may be looking for a name, date, or missing piece of family history. You may also be missing the person you wanted to have the conversation with. Both can be true.Connect with RobertRobert DelFave is a grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, QPR-trained Gatekeeper, and author of The Other Side of This: The Messy Truth About Grief for Teens. His father died when he was fourteen, and his mother died in his mid-twenties.If this episode brought up something you have been carrying and you would like help making sense of it, learn about Robert’s work and the complimentary 45-minute Grief Map Session at robertdelfave.com.Follow Unparented for conversations about losing a parent and how that experience continues shaping adult life. If this episode brought someone to mind, consider sharing it with them.Research mentionedRobyn Fivush: The Development of Autobiographical MemoryChater and colleagues: Reflections on Experiencing Parental Bereavement as a Young PersonEllis, Dowrick, and Lloyd-Williams: The Long-Term Impact of Early Parental DeathA note about supportThis episode combines Robert’s personal experience, broader themes shared in public conversations about grief, and published research. Individual experiences of memory, family relationships, and parental loss vary.This episode is educational and is not a clinical assessment or mental-health treatment. Robert is not a therapist; grief coaching does not replace care from a qualified licensed mental-health professional.In the United States, call or text 988 for suicide or crisis support. In immediate life-threatening danger, call 911.

You organize the family gathering, check on everyone else, and show up when you're needed. But when someone asks what you need, you aren't sure how to answer.In this episode of Unparented, Robert DelFave explores the gap between managing your responsibilities and feeling supported after losing a parent. Through a hypothetical anniversary gathering, he considers what might be happening beneath “I'm fine” and how asking for help can begin with one specific difficulty.Robert also shares his experience with therapy and explains what grief coaching can involve, where coaching and therapy overlap, and why a provider's qualifications matter more than a simple “past versus future” distinction.In this episode:Why getting through the day doesn't tell the whole story of how you're doing.How family gatherings can become responsibilities you feel unable to step away from.What a practical Grief Day Plan might include.What lived experience can bring to a helping relationship, and what it cannot replace.Questions to ask when choosing a coach or therapist.A question to take with you: “I want help with…”You don't need your whole story organized before you begin that conversation.Connect with RobertRobert DelFave is a grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, QPR-trained Gatekeeper, and author of The Other Side of This: The Messy Truth About Grief for Teens. His father died when he was fourteen, and his mother died in his mid-twenties.Learn about his work and the complimentary 45-minute Grief Map Session at robertdelfave.com.Follow Unparented for conversations about losing a parent and how that experience continues shaping adult life. If this episode brought someone to mind, consider sharing it with them.Resources mentionedNational Institute of Mental Health: PsychotherapiesNational Institute of Mental Health: Caring for Your Mental HealthQPR Institute: About QPRA note about supportThe anniversary scenario is hypothetical, not a client story. This episode is educational and is not a clinical assessment or mental-health treatment. Robert is not a therapist; grief coaching does not replace care from a qualified licensed mental-health professional.In the United States, call or text 988 for suicide or crisis support. In immediate life-threatening danger, call 911.

Having a spouse, children, and a family of your own does not remove the desire to call your parents.In this solo episode, Robert reflects on losing his father at fourteen and his mother at twenty-six. He talks about missing his parents during his daughters’ milestones, but also during the ordinary moments: driving home after a difficult day, sharing good news, or wanting to ask what he was like as a child.Robert also explores the adult relationship with his parents that he never got to experience. He considers how early parent loss shaped his need to feel chosen, safe, and wanted in other relationships, as well as his fear of being a burden.The episode includes an honest look at parenting after parent loss. After recognizing parts of his father’s discipline in his own reactions, Robert began examining how he speaks when he becomes frustrated. He shares how faith, reflection, and a simple agreement with his wife are helping him interrupt patterns he does not want to pass to his daughters.In this episode:Missing your parents after building a family of your ownGrieving the adult relationship you never had with themWanting access to your parents’ memories of your childhoodParenting without someone to call for adviceRecognizing family patterns without excusing the hurt they causedFinding a safe place for unfinished conversationsLearning to pause before passing an old wound forwardScripture mentioned: James 1:19Content note: This episode discusses parental death, complicated parent-child relationships, yelling, and childhood spanking.Learn more about Robert DelFave’s grief coaching and writingWebsite: robertdelfave.comGrief coaching: robertdelfave.com/coachingSchedule a complimentary Grief Map Session: Book a Grief Map SessionThe Other Side of This: robertdelfave.com/bookContact: [email protected] Carried Forward Podcast is hosted by Robert DelFave, grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, and author of The Other Side of This.

Ten years. That's how long I stayed away from Rochester, the place where I grew up, where my parents died, where my grandparents finished raising me after everything fell apart. I told myself there was nothing left for me there. But the truth? I was running.This episode is different. It's just me. No guest, no interview. Just me telling you about what happened when I finally went back. I took my wife and daughters to Rochester for the first time. I showed them the house I grew up in, the door I took apart as a kid, the deck where I'd eat the salt off pretzels and throw them in the snow. I took my four-year-old daughter to meet her grandpa at the mausoleum. She walked right up and said, "Hi Grandpa, I love you." And I lost it.Then she asked me where my mom was. Four words from the backseat of a rental car that I had no answer to. "I don't know, sweetheart. Daddy doesn't know where she's buried." I didn't go to my mom's funeral. And sitting in that car, unable to answer my daughter's question, wasn't about guilt. It was about not having a place to bring her. No grave, no mausoleum. Just nothing.But here's what I learned: the parts of yourself you think you left behind are never really gone. They're just waiting for you to come back and find them. And going back to the place you've been avoiding might be exactly how you realize how far you've actually come. This one's raw. This one's real. And if you've ever run from a place that hurt you, I think you'll feel this one. In this episode: Why I stayed away from Rochester for 10 yearsThe moment on the plane when it all hit meTaking my daughter to meet her grandpa for the first timeThe question I couldn't answer: "Where's your mom?"Why I didn't go to my mom's funeral and what that means nowHow being there unlocked memories I thought were goneSeeing my sister, aunt, and uncle after all these yearsThe difference between running from grief and growing through itWhat the surfer's mindset taught me about grief and joyWhy I'm not afraid anymoreGoing back to Rochester didn't crush me like I thought it would. It reminded me that grief and life can exist in the same place. That I'm not that scared kid anymore. And that maybe, just maybe, I don't have to run anymore.Learn more about Robert DelFave’s grief coaching and writingWebsite: robertdelfave.comGrief coaching: robertdelfave.com/coachingSchedule a complimentary Grief Map Session: Book a Grief Map SessionThe Other Side of This: robertdelfave.com/bookContact: [email protected] Carried Forward Podcast is hosted by Robert DelFave, grief coach, David Kessler Certified Grief Educator, and author of The Other Side of This.