We're Not F*****g

Hi all and welcome back to WNF. We have a LOT to celebrate this week. Firstly, congratulations on surviving the misery of lockdown 2, we can now drink outside at pubs in sub zero temperatures! Hit us up for midweek alcoholism and potential hypothermia. Secondly, it’s the start of the festive season, which means the aforementioned alcoholism is actually frankly compulsory and ’tis the season for having a cathartic weep to Love Actually before falling into a red wine and mince pie induced coma. What a time to be alive. Thirdly, and most importantly, CP has succeeded in his transformation from ST’s boyfriend to her brother. In this episode, the two chat about what they are to each other (everyone’s favourite painful conversation) and decide that they’re either twins (incest is best) or friends squared (friends but actually a bit in love.) We hope you enjoy this ode to our original podcast roots: can you be friends with your ex? Turns out you can and they’ll even bake disgustingly indulgent Betty Crocker treats with you. Hit us up at @we_are_not_fucking or write to us at hello@notfucking.me

Welcome back to WNF, your go-to source for important discussions during these strange and unprecedented times. In case you were wondering, YES we have formed an elite support bubble and so this is all a-okay in the eyes of the law, before you get all curtain-twitchy on us. You may ask, is it weird to form a bubble with one’s ex? The answer to that is that yes, it very possibly is, but if it’s fine for Boris, then it’s fine for us (that age-old mantra.) In this Sunday knees up, we discuss our views on No Nut November (shock, we disapprove) and why self love (masturbation) is more important than ever during an epidemic, given that other legal activities include being able to sit on park benches. We encourage you to get yourself a cheeky takeaway pint, sit back and relax with this classic episode. As usual, find us at @we_are_not_fucking or send us stuff at hello@notfucking.me.

Welcome back to WNF, millennial c*nt edition (we’ve tried to fight it and we can’t.) We’d like to also wish you all a very happy lockdown and point out that we recorded this pre-halloween so yes, it was legal, before you come at us in the dm’s. This week, ST and CP enter into possibly the most pointless debate of all time (gear up for this one) before the two discuss their views on Negging as a flirting tactic. Essentially guys, dating can sometimes suck and occasionally being hit on can feel akin to having your hair pulled by some cunty guy in nursery school. Who knew that 90’s playground politics would reoccur in our mid-twenties? As usual, hit us up at hello@notfucking.me or follow us at @we_are_not_fucking.

Welcome to episode no fucking clue of WNF. Just joking guys, we’ve now hit the 20th episode mark which technically speaking means that we’re in a long term relationship with you guys. Surprise! We’re as delighted as you are. This week, ST launches into a mammoth rant (shock) about the power dynamics inherent in heterosexual relationships. CP then chats about his niche dating app preferences and the two debate the age-old question, is it fucking weird to call a man “daddy” in bed? (It is, unless he’s Leo DiCaprio.) Get yourself a medicinal glass of rouge and settle in for a good old knees up. As always, follow us at @we_are_not_fucking or send us explicit content at hello@notfucking.me. Love you guys but like REALLY.

Welcome back to this delightfully short and sweet episode of WNF. Remember guys, great things come in small packages (this does not apply to male genitalia so don’t get too excited.) We don’t bore you with tales of our weekend alcoholism here and instead launch straight into a fun game of quickfire/would you rather, which is an excellent opportunity for us to ask each other some really pressing life questions such as ‘blonde or brunette?’ and ‘arse or tits?’ We really get down to the nitty gritty. We then launch into a debate about the pros and cons of staying over at someone else’s house - CP admits his penchant for ordering ubers for his lovers just as he’s about to climax, and ST laments the fact that no male suitor has ever offered to book her a cab (PSA: every man she’s slept with should immediately Monzo her £8.) If you, like us, are feeling emotionally deflated by tier 2 lockdown restrictions, we hope this puts some pep in your step. As usual, stalk us over at @we_are_not_fucking or write in at hello@notfucking.me.

Welcome back to WNF, your weekly catchup with ST and CP. In this episode, the two sit down to discuss the finer things in life: erectile dysfunction, choking and, a la Samantha in Sex and The City, eating sushi off a naked body. They then chat patriotically about all things English to ask some really important questions like why are we, as a nation, so ugly? And also, why the fuck do we feel the need eat exclusively beige and deep-fried foods? The two then impart little gems of wisdom before having a cuddle and going off to spend the rest of the day warding off potential existential crises with litres of Prosecco. Ideal Sunday? We think so. Write to us at hello@notfucking.me or dm slide over at @we_are_not_fucking.

Hi everyone and welcome back to WNF, your weekly dose of debauchery with CP and ST. The ultimate dynamic duo are back this week to discuss alcohol-fuelled escapades, why drinking on a Sunday should be compulsory by law and why ST hates drunk-shaming. CP then delves into his teenage diary to read us some ultra exclusive snippets. Sit back, pour yourself an extra dirty martini and listen to us share our deepest darkest secrets. Check us out on @we_are_not_fucking or neg us over at hello@notfucking.me

Welcome back to WNF, your favourite podcast about two semi not-fucking friends with little to no control over their sexual urges. CP takes the reins this week and sits down with good friends DM and DJ in Portugal to discuss the infamous Colorado story, living in New York, male friendship and, of course, falling in love. ST was unfortunately not invited on this male bonding trip (thanks so much CP), so you’ll be deprived of her dulcet tones, but she does get couple of cheeky mentions. As usual, hit us up on whichever medium you desire. We’re @we_are_not_fucking on IG and hello@notfucking.me on email. Ciao for now angels x

Happy September and welcome to WNF, the bumper back to school edition. Suffering from the post Summer blues? Wishing you were in the park on a sweltering 36 degree afternoon, downing rosé as if were going out of fashion and sending regrettable texts to past lovers? Or that you were sipping a frosty pint of Camden Hells at the pub and enjoying Dishy Rishi’s Eat Out To Help Out scheme? Same guys, same. However, just because we’re facing the impending doom of another possible lockdown, it doesn’t mean we need to sit and weep. We’re fine, everything’s fine (imagine us as Ross in Friends, when he’s binging on Margs, except that we’re sipping dirty martini’s on ST’s sofa.) In this absolute riot of an episode, we discuss ST's obsession with vampires, whether Harry Potter’s ever pleasured a woman, how to have safe sex in the age of corona and why Dental Dams are the most disgusting creation of all time. On a slightly less sexually explicit note, we talk about quarter life crises and why it’s absolutely fucking fine to not know what the hell you’re doing with life in your mid twenties. What’s the fun of having a 5 year plan anyway?! Big big love to you guys as always and we hope if you feel low, this podcast functions as a warm, maternal embrace. Hit us up at hello@notfucking.me or follow us at @we_are_not_fucking. 

Happy Monday all. ST & CP recorded this marathon of an episode during the August heatwave, which they’re blaming for their disgraceful behaviour. They stripped down and sweated onto each other for a few hours while slowly losing grip on reality and becoming less and less comprehensive. In today’s special they chat about foot fetishes, summer restlessness, the ridiculous hotness of Scandinavians and how ST may in reality be suffering from Benjamin Button syndrome. We also make a few shocking confessions which may, or may not, come as a little surprise. What more could you ask for during a London summer? Come say hey at @we_are_not_fucking or send us some love at hello@notfucking.me

Happy Monday to our favourite people and welcome to episode We! Have! No! Idea! of We’re Not F*****g. We thought it was about time we take our beloved podcast international and so in this episode, ST heads to Sweden (the home of all things beautiful) to interview the wonderful T about female friendship, the bonding power of break-ups and how to fully get over an ex. The two quaff rosé and really go back to podcast roots to answer the eternal question: can you be friends with an ex? Spoiler alert: we’re still not actually sure. Come visit us at @we_are_not_fucking or write us at hello@notfucking.me. 

Another! Solo! Ep! From! ST! Does she have too much time on her hands, shall we hold a quickie intervention? Just joking, she’s feeling herself and you should as well. ST muses on her solo Shutters debauchery pre-lockdown and tries to recreate it in the London heatwave with homemade tacos and some dangerously addictive watermelon margaritas. Is she living her best life? Very possibly. In this short episode, ST discusses the utter time warp of post-lockdown summer, the weirdness of stumbling across condoms in your ex-boyfriend’s bedroom and the importance of indulging oneself, before moving on to question how long you should wait before sleeping with someone new. The conclusion? She has no fucking clue and to be honest, in the age of COVID-19, it may be a pertinent time to revise and re-write all dating rules (maybe there are no rules anymore.) We hope this inspires you to Wine App a bottle of rosé, cook something delicious and dedicate some quality time to number one (you.) If you have a kitten, bring them along too. As per, we’d love you to come see us on Instagram at @we_are_not_fucking or slide into our inbox at hello@notfucking.me. 

Let's set the scene. It's August in London. The pubs are swarming. We're all drunk. It's 36 degrees and humid. We're forced to stay in the city and can't jet off to our beloved España. The result? Big storms are brewing and ST has declared the start of 'Angry August' (CP is quietly pranging about the chaos he'll have to deal with when ST fucks off on her summer holiday at the end of the month.) In this episode we chat about the sheer AUDACITY of some people (principally men), how this week has been useful for 'realising stuff' and how ST and CP are constructing boundaries to enable a healthier friendship. We then say adios before embarking on a big night out, which started with a nice romantic champagne-filled supper, because that's what exes do, right?! We also hit 500 downloads this week so we'd like to give a special shout out to our beloved followers for tuning in every week. We love you guys and actually have quite big crushes on you. Come say hey to us at @we_are_not_fucking or send us messages of adoration at hello@notfucking.me

ST exhibits her solo podcasting prowess yet again in this short but sweet episode. CP’s out of town and when the cat’s away, the mouse will play (literally, in his house, with her own respective cat.) CP handed ST the keys to the castle and she’s having a margarita-infused, taco-filled mini-break. She shares all her thoughts on PDA - is it a thing of the past? Can you only get away with a cheeky Primrose Hill get with when you’re 15 and tanked up on corner shop sauvignon blanc? Is it still acceptable to publicly make out with someone at a party? Are we, in our post-lockdown state, reverting to our horny teenage ways? ST’s asking the REALLY important questions today, while slowly baking in the London heatwave. Love you guys, but like REALLY. Hit us up on @we_are_not_fucking or write in at hello@notfucking.me

This episode takes on a slightly different flavour as CP makes his solo debut, please sit down and relax whilst I talk about the Rum Diaries, escapism, envy, and most importantly, Amber Heard...

Happy hangover day everyone. ST flies solo in this short bonus ep to rant about dating in 2020, why men are trash and the weirdest question she's ever been asked in the shower. Please note that while she's on strangely good form for 10am, this was probably because she was still drunk from Saturday's antics. Send feedback, comments and any potential dating resumés to hello@notfucking.me or dm slide at @we_are_not_fucking. Pour yourself a triple bloody mary, sit back, relax and enjoy.

Welcome back to episode who-fucking-knows of WNF. This week we welcome FRANK, ST's new kitten who coincidentally is our new intern. We chat all things kitten-related before discussing ST and CP's wild weekend away, ST's sojourn in Scandinavia and our newfound addiction to Snus (listen to hear us get high on nicotine.) We then ramble a bit about red flags on dates, why condoms are so unpopular, STDS and why being uncomfortable can be a good thing. Come check us out at @we_are_not_fucking, send us nudes at hello@notfucking.me or visit our shiny new website at https://wnf-podcast.com/

Greetings amigos, welcome to WNF. This week, ST documents her recovery from a glandular fever-adjacent plague (it's not COVID, for the last fucking time) and just as she starts to get her mojo back, CP begins to succumb to the same ailment. Thus, we were possibly not operating at 100% capacity, but please do enjoy our sudafed-fuelled discussions about cheesy pasta, Pete Davidson, clamminess and life post-quarantine. We then ask each other the first set of 'The 36 Questions That Lead to Love' by the NY Times, before indulging in a quickfire round of Would You Rather and (as always) sharing our insightful tips of the week. Come slide into our dms at @we_are_not_fucking or send us some hate mail at hello@notfucking.me. P.S. ST would like to apologise in advance for her nasal ill voice, which is slightly more phlegmy than it is sultry. 

Hey folks, we're absolutely delighted to be filling your little ears with episode 6 of WNF (my, how time flies when you're having fun and getting zero action.) This week we go back to our roots and have a good old chinwag just the two of us. We discuss Selling Sunset, sex-adjacent parties, self love and sweet treats. CP shares how he plans to sabotage ST's future dates with onion and ST debates the pros and cons of starting an OnlyFans account. As usual, give us some much needed attention on our IG (@we_are_not_fucking) or say HOLA at hello@notfucking.me. We love you and please remember that you look beautiful today.