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5He’s in a new relationship and wants it to be exclusive, but he can’t get a read on his partner's feelings. It’s hard for him to have an open honest conversation about his needs without feeling weak, especially when he’s met with silence from her. Esther encourages him to feel confident in his vulnerability and to not mistake having needs for “neediness.”
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What starts as a story of sexual incompatibility and a difference in life goals for these two women takes a wildly unexpected turn during this session. Esther finds herself witness to a fantasy ritual unlike anything she’s experienced before in her work.
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They were married, divorced, and then married again. And with four kids between them, tensions run high. They fight about everything: the chores, the cats, who gets to tell who what to do. They come into the session with one story and Esther helps them write an alternate version.
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Her new boyfriend’s wife died four years ago. Reminders of her are all over his house, from her clothes in the closet to her photos on the wall. It makes the caller feel uncomfortable and inadequate. She wonders if there’s room in his house — or his heart — for her.
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In another episode of Esther Calling, he worries his desire for a serious relationship is putting women off. But early in their phone call, it becomes clear to Esther that he’s talking about a particular woman from his past. He describes his feelings for that woman as “intense”, whereas she was more ambivalent. Esther and the caller explore the question: when is yearning for someone’s unreciprocated feelings more about pride and getting what you want than it is about that other person?
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As Esther says, love is at once an affirmation and a transcendence of who we are. But when one partner grows up as the child taking care of his mother is it any surprise that he experiences the romantic needs of his partner as a repeat of that same responsibility rather than an affirmation of love.
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She has no boundaries, he’s walled off. And their opposing communication styles cause immediate tension in this explosive session. So much so, that Esther finds herself adding to the chorus of angry voices. There might only be three people in this session, but Esther realizes she needs at least three more chairs for the in-laws whose voices and opinions are always playing in the background of this marriage.
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You are invited to an intimate evening with Esther Perel. In place of this week's session we gather for a few rounds of Where Should We Begin, A Game of Stories. Over the last year to curtail the loneliness and isolation we all felt, Esther and team created a game out of the questions you often hear her ask on the podcast. So please come play a few rounds with her anonymously, of course.
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Before they got together, he identified as straight and they identified as gay. What does it mean to make space for their queer identity while they date a straight man? And is that possible as they move into a more serious phase of their relationship?
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For the first time on the podcast, Esther invites a couple back to her office for a second session. 10 years ago, his first wife took her own life. A year later he met his current wife and she became an overnight stepmother to four children. Three years after they first spoke to Esther, she asks them what has changed? Have they been able to revive and sustain their love despite all of the obstacles? Listen to the original episode from Season 2 here.
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In a Where Should We Begin first, Esther sits down with two friends. They’ve been close for so long they feel like brothers, with all of the baggage that comes with family but none of the certainty. There are things that go unspoken between them, issues they have skimmed over in their two decades of friendship. Esther creates the space for the conversation they didn't know quite where to begin. This session was recorded in collaboration with NPR's Invisibilia and a sibling episode with Esther can be heard on their podcast this week as well.
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In this second episode of Esther Calling, we meet a woman who feels she is losing her best friend. The caller feels that her friend is rushing into a marriage to someone she doesn’t approve of. During the call Esther talks her through a new way to see their relationship and where to go from here.
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This time there is no couch, but instead an unexpected phone call from Esther to a woman who is struggling with the differences between her and her partner's upbringing. He grew up in a comfortable suburb, she grew up having less, much less. She loves her boyfriend but wants to get past the resentment she feels towards the opportunities he’s had. Esther helps her think through how these differences might also play into new strengths between them.
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A new season of Where Should We Begin?
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They've been on and off for almost 20 years. While she takes cares of his and their child, she wants to know that he's also there for her. He's been battling depression for years. And the shame that comes with it.
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Their whole relationship is based on one big misunderstanding, with infidelity and blame on both sides. Years later, they still can't see the other's perspective.
Programming note: This conversation was recorded after the COVID-19 lockdown.
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They share a legacy of war, a refugee upbringing, and family trauma. Their marriage was seen as taboo, and now they're trying to build a happier relationship for their child.
Programming note: This conversation was recorded before the COVID-19 lockdown.
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She left her life, her family and her country for a man she met on Reddit. Their love is real, but his family has been hell.
Programming note: This conversation was recorded before the COVID-19 lockdown.
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Bipolar, infidelity, open relationships: they're stuck in a world of loaded words. Her friends are convinced she should leave, but she doesn't want to follow in her mother's footsteps.
Programming note: This conversation was recorded before the COVID-19 lockdown.
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Barely a year into marriage, they're trapped in a cycle of explosive conflict. She can do no right, and he can do no wrong.
Programming note: This conversation was recorded before the COVID-19 lockdown.
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Is she emasculating him or is he emasculating himself?
"a shriveled up nincompoop" Ester 😍
"As long as you each come in and you start to talk about what the other person is doing wrong and how they need to change. Nothing will move."
This was very enlightening ❤️
beautiful 😍🙏thanks Esther ❤
This episode really re-enforced how sexist Esther is. In a gay couple, she was able to let go of normative gender roles and treat them equally and bring to both of the women the subjects they need to work on. The previous episode with an heterossexual couple, Esther was unable to do this at all...
This was an incredible unbalanced and sexist conversation and I am shocked Esther didn't pick up on really basic important things that needed to be discussed for their relationship and turned against the women for most of the conversation. 1) He has a past of when things are not good, he cheats. This is a clear pattern he admitted, that has nothing to do with his wife. This was completely ignored by Esther. 2) She was hurt and angry, but Esther kept gaslighthing her, telling her she was wrong in her feelings and she should listen to him instead and accept his feelings. Her anger has a reason and is important, it shouldn't be repressed. 3) She complained about him going travelling, enjoying life outside home duties (cleaning, cooking, kids), while she was left alone dealing with it all. Again, Esther ignored this completely like this is the normal thing, women are housewifes, men do whatever they want. 4) He describes having sex with the woman he supposedly loves as a dead fish... this was such a red flag!! Also ignored by Esther. 5) At no point I felt that Esther was exploring his side of what he did, or what he thought about these points, even though he was the one reaching out to Esther and wanting this conversation. Esther's view from the begining was clear and really biased, supporting the man and failing to acknowledge any responsability by his actions way beyond the affair. Such a disappointment! I really wanted to like Esther, but she was so sexist in this conversation that feels impossible in 2021 to take any of this seriously...
surprised you couldn't explore or see the sexism angle here in relation to porn. which is anti woman.
If they have to give up parts that are intrinsic to their personalities, should they stay together? The conflict steams because their belief systems differ. He is definitely playing the rescuer here and she craves the security that he provides but inherently they are different people, with a shared childhood trauma.
"This is not a problem that we want to solve, this is a reality that we learn to live with"
😬😭
Both parties are so very brave to expose their stuff this way. Noone knows what goes on behind a marriages closed doors so the critiques are disgusting. Esthel got them and let's just hope they make it. And most sex addicts hide it well, for those who want to blame the wife for not having a clue.
Love, love, love ❤️❤️❤️
Thanks for this work and thank to this couple who agreed that this conversation would be listenable for other people, because it's helping to share theses experiences and lessons that we can learn from. Great job.
Not sure why this couple is getting a divorce. They’re perfect for one another. Both complete douche bags.
she was not trying to take any accountability
this is a very good show and a good episode, only concern, because they're shooting in New York, you can hear some sirens, which can be confusing/alarming if you're in your own car. Other than that, so good!
This podcast is utterly amazing. Esther has so much empathy for booth people in a relationship and knows just what questions to ask and agent to stop talking. A lot of these comments are so misogynistic, I think some men listen to podcasts looking only for material to use as an opportunity to express their dislike of women rather than understanding that people are all flawed 🥺.
❤️❤️
You can't imagine how your words are music to my ears Esther❤ I loved the way you speak and sing in French (although I just know some basic words). It was such a joy to listen to this episode. When Scott revealed the fact that he hadn't been enjoying sex due to his mother's attitude towards sex, I felt how heart-wrenching it could be for him to feel guilty in sexual relationships. This culture has had devastating effects on women's sexual life in my country and I've seen many of them not being able to enjoy and need sex. I'm so grateful for your techniques in this episode.