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Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel
Where Should We Begin? with Esther PerelSubscribed: 126,012Played: 1,905,138
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Listen to the incomparable therapist Esther Perel counsel real couples as they reveal the most intimate, personal, and complicated details of the conflicts that have brought them to her door. This season Esther speaks to a constellation of new relationships: A couple wrestling with the guilt they feel over the happiness their infidelity created. Another trying to make space for their queerness in an outwardly appearing hetero relationship. A set of friends trying to sort out if their childhood friendship needs to continue into adulthood. And Esther checks back in with couples from seasons past to see where they are now as she creates a space for us to hear our own lives and struggles articulated in the stories of others. So....where should we begin?
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8In this session Esther counsels a couple torn apart by the war in Ukraine. Young sons divided between a mother who leaves for the sake of her youngest. And a father who stays with the oldest for the sake of their country.
This episode was done in partnership with The International Trauma Studies Program and One Ukraine.
(Ukrainian and English language transcripts available at http://www.estherperel.com/love-in-war-en)
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We first met them three seasons ago in the painful aftermath of an infidelity. She was diagnosed with an STD during a routine visit to her OBGYN, leading to the revelation that her husband had been visiting sex workers. Four years later, they’re still together, but old wounds persist.
Transcripts for this episode are available at https://www.estherperel.com/podcasts/wswb-s5-episode10.
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In this latest episode of Esther Calling, we meet a young woman looking for advice on how to stand up for herself in a fraught and traumatic relationship with her mother. She worries the trauma and violence she experienced in upbringing is dictating how she responds to authority figures elsewhere in her life.
The transcript for this episode is available at https://www.estherperel.com/podcasts/wswb-esther-calling-i-need-her-to-see-me .
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In this episode of Esther Calling, Esther meets a man who’s never been in a relationship for more than five months. As he approaches age 40, he knows the reason lies with him, and not the women he’s dating. Esther encourages him to look back and see if the clues can be found in his early parental relationships. Perhaps the work starts there.
The transcript for this episode is available at https://www.estherperel.com/podcasts/wswb-esther-calling-still-single-at-40.
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Esther says in this session, “a love story is between two people, a marriage engages an entire community of people.“ Here we see how that plays out when the relationship in question is the result of an affair; when it means the dissolution of two prior marriages and the breaking up families. How does this couple write their own two-person love story when there’s "an entire community of people" with a stake in the plot?
The transcript for this episode is available at https://www.estherperel.com/podcasts/wswb-s5-episode9.
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He prides himself on being an empathic confidante to his friends…but is it to a fault? In this episode of Esther Calling, we meet a man fed up with being the container for his friends’ relationship woes. But, he wonders, can I put up barriers without losing the intimacy of those friendships?
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She longs for a child, but her partner isn’t there yet, and as a trans woman she already faces other barriers to parenthood. She worries she’s letting her partner’s indecision dictate her own future happiness. She and Esther navigate the delicate dance between exerting her own wishes within the relationship, without letting the pressure shut down the conversation altogether.
The transcript for this episode is available at https://www.estherperel.com/podcasts/wswb-esther-calling-still-single-at-40.
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When Esther first met with them two years ago, they’d recently opened up the marriage. At the time only she had ventured out, and after a lifetime of feeling her sexuality wasn’t her own, she felt an awakening. But at what expense? Her newfound freedom seemed to result in his misery. This time around, they are both exploring elsewhere, but the subject of their non-monogamy takes a backseat to other foundational stories within their marriage.
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He’s in a new relationship and wants it to be exclusive, but he can’t get a read on his partner's feelings. It’s hard for him to have an open honest conversation about his needs without feeling weak, especially when he’s met with silence from her. Esther encourages him to feel confident in his vulnerability and to not mistake having needs for “neediness.”
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What starts as a story of sexual incompatibility and a difference in life goals for these two women takes a wildly unexpected turn during this session. Esther finds herself witness to a fantasy ritual unlike anything she’s experienced before in her work.
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They were married, divorced, and then married again. And with four kids between them, tensions run high. They fight about everything: the chores, the cats, who gets to tell who what to do. They come into the session with one story and Esther helps them write an alternate version.
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Her new boyfriend’s wife died four years ago. Reminders of her are all over his house, from her clothes in the closet to her photos on the wall. It makes the caller feel uncomfortable and inadequate. She wonders if there’s room in his house — or his heart — for her.
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In another episode of Esther Calling, he worries his desire for a serious relationship is putting women off. But early in their phone call, it becomes clear to Esther that he’s talking about a particular woman from his past. He describes his feelings for that woman as “intense”, whereas she was more ambivalent. Esther and the caller explore the question: when is yearning for someone’s unreciprocated feelings more about pride and getting what you want than it is about that other person?
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As Esther says, love is at once an affirmation and a transcendence of who we are. But when one partner grows up as the child taking care of his mother is it any surprise that he experiences the romantic needs of his partner as a repeat of that same responsibility rather than an affirmation of love.
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She has no boundaries, he’s walled off. And their opposing communication styles cause immediate tension in this explosive session. So much so, that Esther finds herself adding to the chorus of angry voices. There might only be three people in this session, but Esther realizes she needs at least three more chairs for the in-laws whose voices and opinions are always playing in the background of this marriage.
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You are invited to an intimate evening with Esther Perel. In place of this week's session we gather for a few rounds of Where Should We Begin, A Game of Stories. Over the last year to curtail the loneliness and isolation we all felt, Esther and team created a game out of the questions you often hear her ask on the podcast. So please come play a few rounds with her anonymously, of course.
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Before they got together, he identified as straight and they identified as gay. What does it mean to make space for their queer identity while they date a straight man? And is that possible as they move into a more serious phase of their relationship?
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For the first time on the podcast, Esther invites a couple back to her office for a second session. 10 years ago, his first wife took her own life. A year later he met his current wife and she became an overnight stepmother to four children. Three years after they first spoke to Esther, she asks them what has changed? Have they been able to revive and sustain their love despite all of the obstacles? Listen to the original episode from Season 2 here.
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In a Where Should We Begin first, Esther sits down with two friends. They’ve been close for so long they feel like brothers, with all of the baggage that comes with family but none of the certainty. There are things that go unspoken between them, issues they have skimmed over in their two decades of friendship. Esther creates the space for the conversation they didn't know quite where to begin. This session was recorded in collaboration with NPR's Invisibilia and a sibling episode with Esther can be heard on their podcast this week as well.
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In this second episode of Esther Calling, we meet a woman who feels she is losing her best friend. The caller feels that her friend is rushing into a marriage to someone she doesn’t approve of. During the call Esther talks her through a new way to see their relationship and where to go from here.
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Esther Perel thank you for this educational tool for relationships. I believe you have helped more people than you can imagine. Thanks to the couples who open up for us all to hear. I can never wait for the next episode ❤️
that woman needs so much validation that enough will never be enough. she absolutely wants to be heard, she wants her feelings to be right. she wants validation so much that she's gone looking for it elsewhere, sobriety be damned!! if this therapy session didn't open her eyes to how unreasonable she has been all these years, for 18 years, despite her man's efforts and what he needed to resort to, to protect himself, than nothing will. the title for this podcast couldn't be more fitting. this was painful to listen to.
happy to find your podcast 😍
nope nope nope nope, nope. nope nope nope. the true colors, the deepest look into his psyche, is when he CORRECTS her when she says how long he was cheating on her. that is who he is. he isn't listening, he's waiting for her to stop talking so he can present his case for why he's sorry and how he couldn't help it. someone who cheats that much and for that long and then continues to make it about themself and their ✨journey✨ to ✨recovery✨ has no intention of ever taking responsibility for the damage his actions caused. he came clean and joined a 12 step program, great. he can't even listen to his wife without correcting her or bringing his own feelings into it. he just wants her to get over it so his life can go back to normal. that's who he is.
This is absolutely remarkable. I didn't think I would connect to them at all, this sounds like such an insurmountable thing, but my goodness the energy between them is crackling and I really hope they went on to harness that, because it's incredible.
Powerful Feels like many millennials/genzs deal with this sort of issue from people I've come across. I'd argue it's been that way for way longer, and this's been echoing into the future generations Love how Ms. Esther navigated this conversation and how she eloquently put those feelings into words when words failed the caller "I need her to see me" is so impactful. Sometimes we get lost in our own past we forget to see others for who they are. Kudos to Ms. Esther and the team for allowing us this insight, and many thanks to these brave souls for taking that step towards betterment. I'm proud of every one of you, and know you'll definitely positively influence others with this bravery. I've felt it👏
audio is really bad
it's a miracle she hasn't left him. wow
GO OFF Esther !!! I love you ❤️
GO OFF Esther !!! I love you ❤️
dude is selfish. it's amazing how easy people give up on their marriages. after 8 WONDERFUL years of being married, I can't wrap my mind around so many giving up. ( excluding obvious abuse, mostly speaking about the whole generic "we fell out of love" or "I needed to find myself" ... you didn't fall out of love, you quit working at it . go as far as you want, and travel as far as you will, you will never completely "find yourself" . I suppose I could say that I found myself when I found my wife.
. ,?
that was intense 😑
💯 easier when family isn't involved. good job!
This dude sounds like my abusive ex. 👀
Is she emasculating him or is he emasculating himself?
"a shriveled up nincompoop" Ester 😍
"As long as you each come in and you start to talk about what the other person is doing wrong and how they need to change. Nothing will move."
This was very enlightening ❤️
beautiful 😍🙏thanks Esther ❤