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Wolf 359

Author: Kinda Evil Genius Productions

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Life's not easy for Doug Eiffel, the communications officer for the U.S.S. Hephaestus Research Station, currently on Day 448 of its orbit around red dwarf star Wolf 359. He's stuck on a scientific survey mission of indeterminate length, 7.8 light years from Earth. His only company on board the station are stern mission chief Minkowski, insane science officer Hilbert, and Hephaestus Station's sentient, often malfunctioning operating system Hera. He doesn't have much to do for his job other than monitoring static and intercepting the occasional decades-old radio broadcast from Earth, so he spends most of his time creating extensive audio logs about the ordinary, day-to-day happenings within the station. But the Hephaestus is an odd place, and life in extremely isolated, zero gravity conditions has a way of doing funny things to people's minds. Even the simplest of tasks can turn into a gargantuan struggle, and the most ordinary-seeming things have a way of turning into anything but that. Wolf 359 is a radio drama in the tradition of Golden Age of Radio shows. Take one part space-faring adventure, add one part character drama, and mix in one part absurdist sitcom, and you get Wolf 359. New episodes are released every two weeks.
94 Episodes
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Well... it's been a while.  Can you believe almost a full year has gone by since the end of Wolf 359? Saying that feels very surreal to all of us at Kinda Evil Genius HQ. And lately a lot of people have been asking us: what has everyone on the cast and crew been working on lately?  Honestly? A lot of stuff. New audio dramas! New talk shows! Getting advanced degrees! Modeling! Adventures in the world of tech! Big writing projects! Experimental cross-media performance art! Landscape architecture! So! Much! Stuff! But seriously: when we stopped to take stock of how much cool work folks were doing, we thought it might nice to share the latest from the team with all of you. So fire up the old podcasting apps, and join Doug Eiffel himself, Zach Valenti, for a whirlwind update on what some of the cast and crew have been up to this year.
Hello Dear Listeners!  We're re-activating the Wolf 359 feed for a very special announcement from the man of a thousand voices himself, Zach Valenti. The creative team behind Wolf 359 has just released a brand-new audio drama anthology series called Zero Hours.  We think it's pretty neat, and so we wanted share the first episode, which features a couple other voices you're probably familiar with...  We hope you enjoy, and you can check out the rest of Zero Hours at www.zerohourspodcast.com. 
Hello Dear Listeners!  We are revisiting the Wolf 359 feed for a very special, very exciting announcement! The creative team behind Wolf 359 has just released a brand-new audio fiction fantasy series called Unseen.  The premise behind the show is simple: in a world where magic is real but invisible to almost everyone, the few magical beings that do exist struggle, every day, just to be seen. We're very proud of this new series, and so we wanted share the first episode with all of you. We hope you enjoy "Never-Ending Circles," written and directed by Gabriel Urbina, the creator of Wolf 359!  And if you do enjoy this first installment, and you can check out the rest of Unseen at www.Unseen.Show.
Our premiere episode. Officer Doug Eiffel, communications officer on board the U.S.S. Hephaestus Station, is willing to go to any lengths to procrastinate his work. Tasked with a pointless hunt for alien intelligence, Eiffel would much rather spend his time complaining about the station’s malfunctioning autopilot system and making sure his stash of contraband cigarettes doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. But when his instruments start picking up a mysterious radio signal from an unidentified source, Eiffel begins to wonder if someone - or something – could be trying to communicate with the Hephaestus. Plus, explosions, dangerous experiments,  non-destructive hair driers, handy-dandy tips for surviving in outer space, and creative interpretations for the word coffee.
  When Eiffel discovers that there’s only one tube of toothpaste remaining on board the Hephaestus, he realizes that a delicate situation is upon the crew. His solution? Steal the toothpaste, barricade the door to the comms room, and hope for the best. How far are Commander Minkowski and Doctor Hilbert willing to go to recover the vital hygiene product? Plus, subzero temperatures, unique negotiating tactics, hydrochloric acid, Winston Churchill misquoting, and Peter Sellers playing a Gameboy.  
  The time arrives for another one of Dr. Hilbert’s infamous biannual physical and wellness checks, causing Eiffel and Minkowski to descend into a state of panic. With life and limb on the line, they each find creative ways to delay the inevitable: Eiffel through one of his patented mendacity-filled schemes, Minkowski through a very unusual discovery in the station’s greenhouse. Plus, manual resets, meditations on the effects of sticks and stones, anesthetics, the limits of anesthetics, and spinal fluid samples.  
Eiffel takes a quick trip to the exterior of the Hephaestus in pursuit of a cleaner reading of one of the mysterious space transmissions. Things seem to be going well – until an unexpected stellar flare leaves Eiffel stranded outside of the station. Will Commander Minkowski be willing to launch a dangerous rescue mission to save her communications officer? Plus, air guitar solos, dramatic irony, complimentary electroshock therapy, jetpacks, and the realm of the Alpha and the Omega.  
A mysterious illness strikes Eiffel, quickly leaving him out of commission and bedridden. It falls on Dr. Hilbert’s medical expertise to find some way to get the Communications Officer back to full health. But as the days go by, Eiffel begins to suspect that something more sinister is afoot and starts to question whether Hilbert is curing the disease or causing it. Plus, medicinal lozenges, morbilliform, the full Nick Riviera, swollen glands, and looking on the bright, sunshiny side.  
The Hephaestus Mission reaches its 500th day since launch, and Eiffel is determined to make the most of the occasion. His celebration is cut short, however, when a power outage knocks out Hera and all of the station’s automated systems. The crew must find a way to get the station’s central processor back online, and Eiffel stumbles onto a new mystery in the process. Plus, homemade walkie-talkies, Hammer Horror, dance cards, Stephen King FM, and barreling towards certain death.  
When Minkowski and Hera get into a fight, Eiffel decides to stay out of the way until the dust settles. But the station’s deadly mutant plant monster stowaway somehow gains control of Doctor Hilbert’s mind, and it soon becomes clear that the crew has an emergency on their hands. Can Eiffel and his dubious interpersonal relationship skills patch things up between the Commander and the operating system before something goes disastrously wrong? Plus, Olympic obstinacy, wire-tapping, the peril-o-meter, mustard, and Doug’s Swiss Ass.  
Eiffel takes some time from his busy schedule to answer third graders' questions.
Episode 8: Box 953

Episode 8: Box 953

2014-10-3123:224

  In accordance with protocol and the need to maintain crew morale, Minkowski insists on holding another of her infamous talent shows. Both Eiffel and Hilbert come up with schemes to weasel their way out of having to participate, but neither of their plans goes quite as expected. The resulting day is more dangerous, more mysterious, and more musical than either one of them could have ever expected. Plus, eye-less Russian dolls, biochemistry, unnamed megafauna specimen 58, classics of 19th century opera, and homemade ice cream.  
As the Hephaestus begins a hazardous passage through an ion wind cluster, Eiffel is surprised to discover a message from the mission higher-ups waiting for him in the Communications Room. When the decoded message turns out to be a cryptic and unintelligible warning about something only identified as the “Empty Man”, the crew struggles to pick an appropriate course of action. What is Command trying to tell them? And who, or what, is the “Empty Man”? Plus, designation alpha, crazy wamajama, riders on the storm, flying blind, and going Big Bad Wolf on a straw house.
Eiffel decides that he wants to step up his game and play a more active role in documenting life on the Hephaestus. His newfound enthusiasm is soon tested when an unscheduled explosion puts a hole in one of the station’s walls and uncovers a mysterious, concealed laboratory on board the spacecraft. As the crew explores the hidden room and uncovers data on its previous occupants, Eiffel is forced to confront one of his fears. Plus, mobile reportage, Charlotte’s lab, the Creepus Maximus, slimy, hairy, and extremely high levels of toxicity. 
In a set of short stories, we get to see what the Hephaestus crew does when they are by themselves. Doctor Hilbert tells a joke and ponders a question. Hera plays a game. Eiffel takes a test. Minkowski sends a message. Plus, floating on a tin can, magic lamps, disappearing terrarriums, programming loopholes, and the HAL 9000 touch. 
Episode 12: Deep Breaths

Episode 12: Deep Breaths

2014-12-2419:313

Part one of two. It's Christmas Day on the Hephaestus. While Minkowski does her best to approximate a traditional holiday dinner, Eiffel decides he's going to try to smoke his last cigarette. Both plans are put on hold, however, when Dr. Hilbert stumbles upon a major discovery. Plus, impenetrable darkness, the blunt approach, sanitized pagan rituals, caller ID, and the last of the real turkey.
Episode 13: Gas Me Twice

Episode 13: Gas Me Twice

2014-12-2519:461

Part two of two. The repercussions of the crew's discovery and Dr. Hilbert's actions continue to disrupt the station's Christmas plans. Cut off from Minkowski and with limited time to act, Eiffel decides to take a risk. Plus, Smokey Bear Mode, Mr. Kettle, giant fireballs, laughing gas, and crazy plans. 
Unsure of who or what to trust after the events at Christmas, Eiffel and Minkowski make contact with Mr. Cutter, their liaison to Goddard Futuristics and the mission's direct supervisor. But given Hilbert's actions, how wise is it to inform Command about their discovery of the mysterious deep space signal? And how much does Mr. Cutter already know about what is happening on the Hephaestus? Plus, long distance calls, exponential emergencies, showing and telling, extreme prejudice, and Hephaestus Mystery 340.  
Still rattled by their recent discoveries, Eiffel and Minkowski try to force Hilbert to reveal what he knows about the Hephaestus's mysteries and the details of his secret mission. But will they find some way to get their prisoner to cooperate with them? Or will their formidable opponent succeed in breaking them apart before they break him? Plus, pet monkeys, bad cop territory, winning personalities, irrational needs, and hammer time. 
Still dealing with fallout from Hera's deactivation, the crew struggles to keep the rapidly deteriorating Hephaestus functional. Overwhelmed, sleep-deprived, and constantly faced with new mechanical problems, Eiffel and Minkowski can't escape the feeling that they are on the verge of a disastrous mistake. But when the Commander thinks up an unconventional, and possibly dangerous, solution, the exhausted pair must decide whether they are willing to take on yet another deadly risk. Plus, "check engine" lights, dizzy spells, Hitchcock antagonists, Dr. Iscariot, and a brain the size of a mack truck.
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Comments (145)

RT381222

love this podcast

Feb 23rd
Reply

Alexis Mayhew

HERA KNOWS WHAT A MEME IS?????

Feb 10th
Reply

Patrycja N.

OKAY, THIS IS SOME NEXT LEVEL SHIT RIGHT HERE

Nov 25th
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Patrycja N.

"Why must you say words" I just 😂😂😂

Nov 25th
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Daria Black

probably one of my favorites so far. hearing hera's struggle was completely and utterly human. the idea that some things cannot be fixed regardless of the ease to forget things, reminds us of the good and ugly parts that make us unique and special. 15/10 on the rating for this one gang

Oct 9th
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CrunchyZombie

it's odd. I pretty much listened to the entire podcast before realizing they were in zero gravity. I had no idea until cutter and price come on board. crazy right?!

Sep 21st
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autumn

i love this so far (2/3 of the way through) but the sound of eating pringles into a microphone was a crime against god and man

Sep 19th
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Reshi Bunny

I;;; don't even know how to process this

Aug 20th
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Faten

Minkowski's command authentication code is VULCAN?? Why did I only notice this now? 😂

Aug 13th
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Faten

Hello, Jonah Magnus

Aug 13th
Reply

Reshi Bunny

this was so brilliantly implemented, definitely one of my favourite podcast episodes ever

Aug 6th
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Reshi Bunny

YOURE EITHER CALLING ABT A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION OR YOURE ABOUT TO BE IN ONE 😂

Aug 3rd
Reply (1)

Faten

The HUG! My HEART!

Aug 2nd
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Reshi Bunny

This made me cry 💔💔

Aug 2nd
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Reshi Bunny

ngl I really do feel for ye girl Hera :(

Aug 1st
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Reshi Bunny

"You have no idea what I've done" fr - things are really spicing up

Aug 1st
Reply

Reshi Bunny

That scientist 😂😂👍✨ This has great vibes

Jul 18th
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Mephisto

Bum dee dee dum dee dee dum dum brain eraser aka canon in d major

Jun 6th
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CaptainCrazy11

what a great podcast. however on episode 49, when days keep repeating and there is a 2 minute long burp reel. gross. i had to skip through it. but this podcast is excellent.

May 14th
Reply

Amanda-Marie Goode

I know she is an AI, but Hera has one of the most relatable mental health experiences in fiction for me

May 6th
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