You'll Only Listen Twice

We’ve reached the end of the line, fellow listeners. On this special season finale of You’ll Only Listen Twice,”Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul say goodbye to the James Bond series by speculating on the franchise’s future. Will the next movie be serious or stupid? Who will be the next Bond actor? Aaron Taylor-Johnson? Danny DeVito? Who will direct it? Danny DeVito? Should the series continue or should they just let it die? Your guess is as good (or bad) as mine. 

Here it is fellow listeners, Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul reveal their top 10 favorite James Bond films. This list is objective. Anything different is wrong. Sorry snowflakes! But wait, there’s more! Our heroes also list their favorite Bond gadgets, theme songs, and last, but not least, their favorite Bond actors! I think it will thrill you. It may shock you. It might even horrify you. So if any of you feel that you do not care to subject your nerves to such a strain, now is your chance to, uh... well, we've warned you!

This week, fellow listeners, we’re doing something a little different. We know Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul should have moved on from James Bond by now, but they aren’t done yet. Get ready to rage in the comment section as the boys reveal their rankings of every 007 film. But it cant’t be that easy, can it? They also have their thoughts on the Best Bond Villains and the Best Bond Women. Can this get any crazier? It can! This is only part one in  a multipart finale saga! It’s just like Allegiant, but hopefully we get to the part two.

Let me tell you a story about a podcast called Twice, You’ll Only Listen Twice. Finally, after 28 episodes, numerous delays, a trip to the psych ward, and thousands of dollars in therapy bills, Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul are here to talk about Daniel Craig’s final James Bond movie, and possibly the last Bond movie that will ever be made, No Time To Die. A film plagued with numerous delays, due in part to a literal plague, this film naturally involves… you guessed it, a plague. But not just any plague, a plague of nanobots, to be unleashed onto the world by a guy named Lyutsifer Safin (how original). Finally, a Bond movie that’s stupid again, but it’s also the one where he dies. That’s right, James Bond dies in the most Bondian way possible, by getting poisoned with robots, shot, and blown up to save his lover and daughter, because that’s who James Bond is, a heroic family man. Wait, what? There’s no time like now to die while talking about No Time To Die. Actually, at nearly 3 and a half hours, you can say we have all the time in the world. You get it? Because reference.

The dead are alive (whatever the f*** that means). This week, Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul are taking a look at Sam Mendes’ follow up to the widely successful Skyfall, 2015’s less successful Spectre. Is it the best James Bond film, or the worst? You are kites dancing in a hurricane, fellow listeners because there is some disagreement amongst our hosts over the quality of the film, so the discussion gets pretty nasty. Get ready for 2 and half hours of debating the film’s script, central romance (featuring two cranky, monotoned, blue eyed blondes), and  Christoph Waltz’s understated performance as Franz Oberhauser (who is definitely not Blofeld). Did we mention there’s a tribute to Sam Smith’s Oscar winning, mope-fest, theme song? That’s right, this is a musical. This episode will be the author of all your pain!

This is it, fellow listeners. The big one. Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul are talking about the critically acclaimed and most financially successful Bond film, Skyfall. Daniel Craig returns in yet his third consecutive Bond origin film, but this time he’s… old? Grab yourself a Heineken and listen to our heroes decipher what exactly made this movie so successful. Was it Sam Mendes’ direction? Was it the cinematography by Roger “the Deak” Deakins? Was it Joker Javier Bardem? Was it the Adele song? Was it Kincade? Tune in to find out… but the answer is Kincade.

A door left open? A woman walking by? A drop in the water? A look in the eye? A phone on the table? A man on your side? Someone that you think that you can trust is just another… meh Bond movie. That’s right fellow listeners, Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul are joined again by Doggify to talk about Darko Belgrade- I mean Daniel Craig’s underwhelming follow up to Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace. From the director of Finding Neverland and World War Z, comes the first film to be written, shot, and edited by a chimpanzee. A writer’s strike? Shaky cam? 2-frame shots? What can possibly go wrong? Does anyone remember Epic Movie? How does Darko Belgrade’s turn as Bond stack up? What are we talking about?

Fellow listeners, the timeline has been reset to 0, and our hosts Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul are taking a look at the first proper reboot of the official James Bond series, Casino Royale.  Pierce Brosnan is out, and some blonde guy named Daniel Craig is in yet another adaption of Ian Fleming’s first novel. However, after two embarrassing strikes, they’ve finally cracked the code and made possibly the best James Bond movie ever, with some of the best writing in the series and one of the best love stories. Honestly, this episode might be our heroes’ most substantiive in the whole series because they actually provide character analysis, discuss themes, and other pretentious crap like that (and it’s not just Troy rambling about death and the hero’s journey). You know what? Screw this review. Don’t listen to this crap, just watch Casino Royale again. Seriously, the movie is a lot shorter than this episode. Ah what the hell, stay if you want to, but that’s nearly 3 hours that you’ll never get back, but at least you can hear these morons have a good in-depth discussion about a great movie.

Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul, along with Jake’s CGI brother, Andrew, are gonna break the cycle. They’re gonna shake up the system. They’re gonna destroy their ego. They’re gonna close their bodies now. Uh! Uh! That’s right, fellow listeners, this week’s review is Pierce Brosnan’s final and most divisive Bond film, Die Another Day! Is this movie really the worst Bond film ever made? Well, our heroes’ responses may shock you (with a Buzz Lightyear suit)! Step into the dream machine and listen to the boys discuss the film’s wacky tone, the CGI, the editing, the DNA replacement therapy, the Halle Berry, EVERYTHING!!! It’s time to face destiny! Sigmund Freud, analyze this… B*TCH!!!!

Just when you thought Christmas only comes once a year, Jake, Troy, Jan, and  good ol’ producer Paul are joined by Jan’s dead wife, Melissa, to talk about Pierce Brosnan’s third Bond outing, The World is Not Enough. Is it foolish sentiment? A family motto? Or just an alright movie from the director of The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader? Strap into your comfy jacket cocoon, fellow listeners, as our heroes get into it about the film’s action scenes, love story or “lackthereof,” and it’s Garbage theme song, which is actually a f******g bop. Not to mention, they answer the age old question: Is The Dark Knight Rises just a remake of this movie?  This episode is full of ghosts, goblins, and Rumpelstiltskin. Mamma Mia! Here we go again! 

Yesterday is a memory. Today is history. Tomorrow belongs to one man. BUT, riddle me this fellow listeners, what is today but yesterday’s tomorrow?  Well today, Jake, Troy, Jan, and  good ol’ producer Paul are talking about tomorrow, Tomorrow Never Dies that is…TODAY! That’s right, Pierce Brosnan’s criminally underrated (also prophetic) sophomore 007 film featuring Jonathan Pryce as one of the series’ best villains, Michelle Yeoh as one of the best Bond women, and of course, Vincent Schiavelli in one of the greatest bit parts in cinematic history. The boys also get into the film’s hellish production, helmed not by Martin Campbell, but the guy who made Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. It’s an episode jammed packed episode with thrills, chills, and Ray Liotta. Let the mayhem begin!

It’s a new world, with new enemies and new threats, but you can still depend on one…PODCAST. Were you expecting something else? That’s right, fellow listeners, Jake, Troy, Jan and good ol’ producer Paul are talking about Pierce Brosnan’s triumphant debut as James Bond in 1995’s GoldenEye.  Is the film more than just the inspiration for that Nintendo game where you can shoot your friend in the dick with a golden gun? (The answer is yes.) Listen as the boys get into how Green Lantern director, Martin Campbell redifined the series for a new generation (for the first time). They also discuss the action scenes, the score, the gunbarrel, the Sean Bean, scatological symbolism, and of course, Famke Janssen’s unforgettable performance as Xenia Onatopp. Being children of the 90s, the boys are also dissecting the film’s place within 1990s pop culture, alongside titans like Dino Spumoni and the teaser trailer to 1993’s Tom and Jerry: The Movie. This is a big episode folks. Stay Onatopp of things by checking it out! For England, listeners? No, for Dino Spumoni.

This week we’re doing something different, fellow listers. We’re bringing you a bonus episode featuring the full uncut interview with Pedro Armendáriz. If you tuned in last week, you heard stories about his famous father, grandfather, and the Licence to Kill shoot, but this week, you get to hear some more stories about other productions Pedro has worked on like Predator and Troy (not our Troy), as well as more opinions on the James Bond series. So, tune in and have fun with our full conversation with Pedro Armendáriz.

Bless your hearts, fellow listers. Jake, Troy, Jan and good ol’ producer Paul are going rogue to talk about Timothy Dalton’s second and final film as James Bond, Licence to Kill, but they are not alone. The boys are joined by one of the film's assistant directors, Pedro Armendáriz, son of Pedro Armendáriz (President Lopez in Licence to Kill) and grandson of Pedro Armendáriz (Kerim Bey in From Russia with Love). Pedro spills the beans on some exclusive behind the scenes details, including shooting at the Shah of Iran’s former residence, iguana troubles, partying in Acapulco with Benecio Del Toro, and mishaps involving hair dye. This is a rip-roaring, explosion-filled, cocaine-fueled episode you won’t want to miss.

The times they are a changin’, fellow listers. Jake, Troy, Jan and good ol’ producer Paul are waving goodbye to the Roger Moore era and saying hello to the long, storied tenure of the next James Bond actor, Timothy Dalton.  First on the list is his 1987 007 debut, The Living Daylights. A hard pivot from Moore’s light hearted, tongue and cheek take on the character, Dalton’s Bond is serious, intense, and more emotional. But is he too emotional? Find out as our heroes talk about his performance. Also on the docket is John Glen’s ever flexible directing style, John Barry’s final outing as composer, Maryam D’Abo as the lead Bond girl, Kara, Joe Don Baker and Jeroen Krabbé as the film’s double team villains, and, of course, …the Mujahideen?!? Without further ado, crank up the volume on your ghetto blaster and enjoy.

Get ready to dance into the fire fellow listers, because Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul are having a heated debate about the final and so-called worst Roger Moore James Bond film, A View to a Kill. How can a movie with Christopher Walken, Grace Jones, Roger Moore shagging Grace Jones, Patrick Macnee, Tanya Roberts, Roger Moore shower shagging Tanya Roberts, Tonya Roberts using her grandfather’s ashes to attack some thugs (no her grandfather is not Roger Moore) Paris, a chase on the Eiffel Tower, San Francisco, a fire at city hall, a fight on the Golden Gate Bridge, a lab in a stable, a robot dog, AND Roger Moore snowboarding with The Beach Boys playing in the background not tickle your Tchaikovsky? Hold on tight folks, because this episode is crazier than a horse on steroids. 

DISCLAIMER: The following episode of this program has been brought to you by Kevin McClory, esteemed producer, actor, and sole creator of James Bond 007, SPECTRE, Ernst Stavro Blofeld, spy movies, spy fiction, Duck Dodgers, Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide, and YOU (not the show, but YOU the listener.) Dissatisfied with Jake, Troy, Jan and executive fun friend Paul’s coverage of his earlier cinematic work, Thunderball, the wise Mr. McClory found it necessary to closely supervise the recording of the following episode, which covers his other cinematic triumph, Never Say Never Again. This was a necessary step to ensure that the review was based in fact and free from the lies spread by Albert R. Broccoli, Harry Saltzman, the Ian Fleming estate, and United Artists. After careful negotiations, the hosts agreed to this proposition, not just because it would be futile (legally, of course) to refuse, but because of the chance to work with the great Kevin McClory on reviewing one his greatest works. A film that triumphantly brings back Sean Connery as Mr. McClory’s beloved creation, James Bond 007, for one final mission. A film the boasts the talents of such celebrated artists like, Max Von Sydow, Klaus Maria Brandauer, Kim Basinger, Michel Legrand, Douglas Slocombe, Lorenzo Semple Jr., Irvin Kershner, and of course, Kevin McClory. Without further ado, please sit back and enjoy Kevin McClory’s production of You’ll Only Listen Twice’s review of Kevin McClory’s masterpiece, Never Say Never Again. Regards, The law offices of K. Vinmic Lori, Esq.

We’re an all time high, fellow listers, as Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul are taking about Debussy, wait a second, that’s not right. The boys are actually talking about Octopussy, the 1983 James Bond adventure. (And no, this is not a porno episode) Roger Moore is back as 007 at possibly his most heroic, but he still has time to clown around, literally. Director John Glen is back and more ambitious as he delicately balances the film’s tonal shifts from classical adventure pulp and Hitchcockian thriller. But that’s not all, our heroes are talking about Maud Adams’ second Bond girl role as the title character, Louis Jourdan’s nasty performance as Kamal Khan, crocodile suits, and Tarzan yells. Oh my! The boys also stress that none of this show is plagiarized. This is a professional film criticism podcast program that is certainly good enough for Nebula. With that said, curl up with your little Octopussy and enjoy this very special episode.

This episode is for your eyes only, fellow listeners, or rather, for your ears only (this is a podcast after all) because Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul are taking a closer look at the Roger Moore James Bond adventure, For Your Eyes Only. Longtime editor John Glen is in the director’s chair for a film that sees 007 come back down to Earth, literally and metaphorically, with a grounded spy story that harkens back to the original Ian Fleming novels. Does it succeed or are the results more wrinkley than Roger Moore’s face? Find out as the boys talk about the film’s themes of revenge, its weird tonal shifts, and whether it’s similar to the Burt Reynolds movie Gator. There will be plenty of action, suspense and, of course, Topol. Tune in and we’ll buy you a delicatessen. In stainless steel!

Salutations fellow listeners! Jake, Troy, Jan, and good ol’ producer Paul are blasting off into space to review James Bond ’s epic space adventure, Moonraker. Strap in for a high flying journey as our heroes discuss the film’s production history, its lavish effects, and whether or not it is the stupidest 007 film of all time. Of course, they can't resist talking about that double-take pigeon.. Some old friends are attempting re-entry into the series as Roger Moore returns for his fourth outing as James Bond, Lewis Gilbert is back in the director’s chair, and Jaws makes his epic encore reappearance - except now he's looking for love. Hang on tight because this episode ain’t about science fiction, it’s about science fact!