Discovertcr! diaries - podcast
tcr! diaries - podcast

tcr! diaries - podcast

Author: tcr!

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The ebbs and flows of this alcoholic. It's all true. Sometimes I'm serious. Sometimes I'm not. The episodes tend to be short.
181 Episodes
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A backlog of taxes

A backlog of taxes

2020-01-12--:--:--

Content published: Nov 12, 2018 at 7:11 pm CST · podcast published: Jan 12, 2020 at 5:10 pm CST I spent the majority of my adult life either toiling around to get my head on straight or hiding in the shadows from the truth. A backlog of taxes and overdue books. Pull up a little bit farther at the red light because I don’t want to look at the dude next to me. It’s not that I didn’t wanna go to college. It’s just that my ship was listing and the captain was drunk in his cabin. You hurt my feelings. I didn’t hurt your feelings. I’m just not gonna do what you want. If a crime involves another person, the real offense is hurting the person on the other end. Saying I’m sorry often does not let me off the hook. And that’s all fine and good but what’s not fine is not doing something because we’re afraid. That’s bullshit. An ass full of laxatives and tangled fishing hooks. Half of what goes on in my head I don’t want. And when ill behaviors no longer feel comfortable that’s a sign that we’ve grown. Read as much into all of that as you want. #photos #confessional #diariespodcast Momma J · Nov 12, 2018 at 10:54 pm You’ve grown! tcr! · Nov 13, 2018 at 7:49 am About 2” since you last saw me. Add a comment!   View original  
Content published: Dec 29, 2019 at 5:04 pm CST · podcast published: Jan 11, 2020 at 9:45 am CST Seeking equality, fairness, the greater good...that does something remarkable for me. It breaks my selfish bubble. It makes me a whole human being. It gives me freedom. But wait, there’s more. So much more. Seeking balance and harmony for all...brings me out of my despair. It brings light to my darkness. It brings healing to my pain. It lifts me up and out of feeling down and blue, up to the level of okay I was looking for much of my life. And being okay inside and out is the remarkable place I was talking about earlier. When I make life not all about my pleasure or my suffering, oh wow is it good. It’s elevation. Like inwardly summiting a spiritual Mt Everest and bringing everyone else up top to share the view. You probably already knew all of that but it took me almost a lifetime to figure out. #photos #goteam 😊 #lettherebehope #diariespodcast Momma J · Dec 29, 2019 at 5:56 pm I’m glad you got there! tcr! · Dec 30, 2019 at 5:18 pm As am I! jimi hindrance experience · Dec 29, 2019 at 7:14 pm 😎 jimi hindrance experience · Dec 29, 2019 at 7:15 pm I wanted to put the praying hands thing people use but my standard issue is better/closer to how I feel. tcr! · Dec 30, 2019 at 5:18 pm It’s a good standard issue marney0160 · Dec 30, 2019 at 4:39 pm Words I needed to read today. Ty 💖 tcr! · Dec 30, 2019 at 5:18 pm You are most welcome! chrisrich · Dec 31, 2019 at 5:51 am Wonderful words! tcr! · Jan 4, 2020 at 10:02 am Thank you! Uncle Timmy · Jan 4, 2020 at 10:08 am Dont ever stop writing your thoughts. Hits home every time! tcr! · Jan 4, 2020 at 10:15 am Thanks man! I haven’t felt much like writing these past few months but positive words like yours pump up my motivation. Add a comment!   View original  
Ice cream anxiety

Ice cream anxiety

2019-10-27--:--:--

Content published: Nov 1, 2018 at 10:06 am CST · podcast published: Oct 27, 2019 at 10:30 am CST If we’re at a social gathering and it feels like I snub you that’s because I’m not a social butterfly. I’m more like a social moth. My wings are dusty. I check the doors to be sure they lock. I have debates with myself about what I'm supposed to do next. I have the social skills of a turtle. Just give me some lettuce. Large groups of people don’t necessarily make me nervous, just uncomfortable. I don’t like people sitting or standing behind me. I don’t like it to the point where I’ll change seats. If I can’t see everything I feel somewhat flustered. I like to keep an eye on things. That might sound cliche or overused or whatever but it’s because it’s a real thing that affects more people than it should. Talking one-on-one and sometimes one-on-two is fine. I've researched effective communication skills and social graces. One of the best things I learned was to ask other people specific questions about what's going on in their lives. People like to talk about themselves and then I don’t have to talk about me. High-five. If someone invites me to come sit with their group I’m ready to get up before I even sit down. This doesn’t have anything to do with the quality of people at the table as much as that my fingernails are too long or my shoes are too tight or my eyebrows are messed up. And it’s not that I’m stressing about those things but I’m acutely aware when I touch things of just how long my nails are.[1] Or if my feet are hot because my shoes don’t have enough circulation. I feel it when there’s an eyebrow guy out of place and usually my whole world comes to a grinding halt until I deal with him. I don’t write these things because I need a hug. I write them because I feel bad when thinking about the people left sitting at the table after I’ve abruptly left. You didn’t say anything offensive nor did you smell bad. Well, maybe you did but I’m not going to get that close to know. Because guess how many homecomings I went to in high school? None. How many school dances did I go to? One. And then I left after 15 minutes. Those aren't “poor me” stories, just evidence of a long standing reservation with public suspicion. Well, it’s not suspicion. It’s ice cream anxiety.[2] Shit happens when we’re kids and it shapes who we become, who we are. Regardless of how much we heal you can’t unbreak bones. We can burn our diaries but our DNA is infused with what we wrote. Our history doesn’t have to dictate our lives but it will cast a doubt moving forward. Anyways, I do better at standing than sitting. Sitting is a commitment. Plus, what if there’s a fire and I need to leave immediately? That’s never happened to me but it’s a sound excuse. I don’t have panic attacks when I’m out but my thoughts wander, sometimes for good and sometimes for bad. If I had boobs I would be unstoppable. I check for my keys fairly often when I’m not at home. Doesn’t matter the situation or circumstances. Sara and I could just be having dinner and I’ll still want to know where my keys are. It’s not a nervous habit because I don’t feel nervous. My heart does skip a beat, though, if I don’t immediately feel them in my pocket. Where the fuck are my keys? How am I going to drive home? People will look at me if I have to break into my truck. I’ll get all this attention that I don’t want. Keep your flashlights to yourself. So there’s a dude in my neighborhood, moved in when I was drinking. Liked comic books and superheroes. I met him at a neighborhood party and I thought “oh, we could be friends!” But we never did. I see the same antisocial behaviors in him that I know and love in myself. So I don’t take it personal when I see him in the alley and he only waves. In related news one of the things I loved about drinking was that at those parties, the lights would dim after I got a few drinks in me and the sounds weren't so loud. Really in reality, everything was the same but drinking made…everything not so much.[3] Do you guys remember that one New Year’s Eve party where I was recounting a riveting tail of wonder and amazement to a fascinated and captivated crowd of more than twenty? And then after my grand finale where I saved the day everyone cheered and clapped? That one time when I was the public speaking hero? Yeah, I don’t remember that either. Because it didn’t happen. Most likely it never will. I’m not the life of the party but I will cheer you on to be. After I floss. I don’t have low self-esteem. I’m fairly confident that I can hold my own talking individually with you about Jame Gumb or Bill Wilson or Bobby Flay. Just don’t ask me to play Cards Against Humanity. That’s too much pressure. #photos #socialproblems #fridaythe13th #diariespodcast They’re never long because I’m not gonna let that happen ↑ If you don’t know what that means I don’t blame you ↑ If that doesn’t make sense that’s okay ↑ asquared01 · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:33 am I can relate to so much of what you described. I suppose for me it’s social anxiety. I don’t like going to parties, I don’t like large groups of people that I don’t know and it’s even worse if everyone knows each other and I’m the new person. We have an invitation to a Thanksgiving party we haven’t replied to b/c of my anxiety….I’ve only met the couple once. John knows the husband well but I don’t want to go to someone’s house with a bunch of people I’ve never met. Then I wonder why I don’t have friends…this type of thing right here. :( tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:50 am I set time limits for how long I’m willing stay somewhere. With a group of people I don’t know, that limit would most likely be 15 minutes. Then I can leave everybody murmuring amongst themselves.. “who was that dashing man in the golden hockey mask?” asquared01 · Nov 1, 2018 at 1:05 pm If you’re at least making a 15 minute appearance, you’re a better person than me. I’ll be replying “can’t go” to that invite. 😬 tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 4:45 pm How about you guys go for 10 minutes? Drop off a can of that cranberry sauce that makes people swoon? And then announce boldly to crowd, “we’re taking turkey pot pies to the homeless shelter on 5th Avenue.” Nobody would blink as you slammed the door on your way out. keamoose · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:39 am Yes, exactly. Hater McGhray · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:52 am Yep prokop · Nov 1, 2018 at 11:24 am Get out of my head. Haha. fleming · Nov 1, 2018 at 12:58 pm I know, right??!! I think there are a lot of us out there, just “faking it till we make it”! Mona · Nov 1, 2018 at 1:49 pm Story of my life. tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 4:30 pm One time when I was in college I went up to give a speech. In front of the whole class. 20 seconds in I said, “I can’t do this.” And then I went and sat down. 👍 jenkins_arts · Nov 1, 2018 at 2:01 pm Snazzy. That’s a technical term. tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 4:24 pm As is fancy! jenkins_arts · Nov 2, 2018 at 5:56 pm Yup Mitchell · Nov 1, 2018 at 6:30 pm Totally get it uncle Trav I am very much like you believe it or not I looked up/still look up to you for years tcr! · Nov 1, 2018 at 8:03 pm Love you man! Mitchell · Nov 2, 2018 at 6:45 pm Love you too unc threecrates · Nov 1, 2018 at 6:55 pm Incredibly written as usual pal. Love this! ❤️ tcr! · Nov 2, 2018 at 7:10 am Thanks man! 🍬 jimi hindrance experience · Nov 1, 2018 at 10:55 pm It happens to me out of the blue. Everything can be ok and suddenly I’m overwhelmed with panic. I’m never aware of “what happened” if anything. tcr! · Nov 2, 2018 at 11:22 am Might be a short circuit. Of course I’m not a doctor or biologist. Add a comment!   View original  
I've lit my life on fire

I've lit my life on fire

2019-10-14--:--:--

Content published: Jul 12, 2017 at 7:28 am CST · podcast published: Oct 14, 2019 at 7:30 am CST If you haven't heard this story, you're in luck. The first week or so I was sober I was sitting in a meeting and said, “I’ve lit my life on fire.” When I was drinking I wasn’t capable of caring because I was drunk and numb to my life burning. But being freshly sober I was like, “Oh my fucking god. My life is on fire.” I was freaking out, anxious all the time, having panic attacks... And I really, really didn't want my life to burn down. As I was talking during that meeting, I was looking around the room and most people were nodding because they, too, had set their lives on fire at one time or another. Knowing that others could relate to what I’d done and how I was feeling gave me some hope. It made me feel accepted, that I was in the right place. My whole life I’d waited to belong somewhere and now I finally had. On more than a superficial level. And that was all of Step Two’s “power greater than me” that I needed. My head was too full of tops spinning to think on grandiose spiritual terms. The meetings and what I found there were good enough. All I really knew was that when I wasn't at a meeting I felt batshit crazy and when I sat down at one, I had a little sense that everything was somehow going to be okay. If only for the moment. Maybe. I wasn’t gushing at the seams with positivity but at least I was around people who understood what I was going through. So then I was talking with my sponsor and I asked when I was going to be restored to sanity and he said “when you work the rest of the steps.” I think about the beginning of How It Works often, especially the line where it says the steps are the suggested program of recovery. Just not drinking isn’t enough. Just going to meetings isn’t enough. I won’t feel sane because I’ll keep being me. Until I gave up in Step Three because I accepted my way didn’t work, I was gonna keep feeling insane. Until I took and shared my inventory, shared that ugly, nasty shit, I was gonna keep feeling insane. Until I was beaten by my shortcomings (just like I was beaten by alcohol) and asked God for help, I was gonna keep feeling insane. Until I made my amends, paid restitution for the damage I caused, I was gonna keep feeling insane. After the Ninth Step the Big Book says, “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness... We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.” And ya know what? When I was well into my amends I started to feel more than somewhat sane. My sanity had been mostly been restored. Without me even knowing it. And today my life isn’t on fire. I don't feel batshit crazy anymore. Mostly... 😉 #alcoholism #lettherebehope #twelvesteps Momma J · Jul 12, 2017 at 3:29 pm I had no idea you were suffering like this. I know you had to do this yourself but I wish I could have helped! tcr! · Jul 12, 2017 at 4:00 pm It wasn’t that bad. A mere flesh wound. tam.the.terrible · Jul 12, 2017 at 6:12 pm My life has been in flames more times than I care to think about it. Fall down 7 times get up 8. ❤️ jimi hindrance experience · Jul 13, 2017 at 10:59 am Fat Charlie the Archangel sloped into the room…. —-Crazy Love, Vol. II by Paul Simon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeY4s_nLvtM Fat Charlie’s life is on fire at approx 1:50. Monohon · Jul 13, 2017 at 12:58 pm Come on Travie! Add a comment!   View original  
Back to regular life

Back to regular life

2019-10-06--:--:--

Content published: Apr 19, 2019 at 9:56 am CST · podcast published: Oct 6, 2019 at 3:30 pm CST Do you know what I really hate? When somebody is being over-the-top nice after they’ve fucked something up. Do you know what I really like? When someone offers up a sincere apology and then gets on with the day. Own it. Regret it. Forget it. Take five minutes, have a real conversation, and then go back to regular life. If I don’t acknowledge I can come across like an unsympathetic magician. Trying to trick you into paying attention to my magic rabbit and hat. All the while my other hand is holding a bloody knife. I’m not fooling anyone. And then if I’m dancing around like an out-of-the-ordinary, out-of-control ballerina with an obviously fabricated sugary song and dance, it only makes whatever transgression worse. It prolongs the distress. Elaine said to me seven years ago, “…and don't grovel.” I get “wanting to make it better” with flowers from up my sleeve and I’m sure I’ve tried to pull rosy ruses myself. But keep it to a minimum. Otherwise it’s a black reminder. The fuck up lingers like a red rubber band, stretching the hurt out for way longer than it needs to. Humility. Brevity. Authenticity. I won’t go wrong with these. #relationships #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Momma J · Apr 19, 2019 at 11:08 am Great philosophy tcr! · Apr 20, 2019 at 12:47 pm Learned the hard way 😉 jimi hindrance experience · Apr 19, 2019 at 4:21 pm 😎 Add a comment!   View original  
The summer of 2019

The summer of 2019

2019-09-27--:--:--

Content published: Sep 27, 2019 at 10:00 am CST · podcast published: Sep 27, 2019 at 10:00 am CST Peeps, it was a busy summer. Most of it was spent cleaning and packing up my house. That was a lot. I lived there for 11 years, the longest place I’d ever lived in my life. I threw away countless bags of trash, of life debris and clutter. ⛸ In June Sara and I went to see Ludovico at the Cadillac Palace in Chicago. Maggie and I went to Gay Pride in Aurora. Sara took all of us to Cantigny Park for my 47th birthday. We played mini golf in the dark during Swedish Days. In July there was the case of the stolen bicycle and Maggie turned 14. We went to Minneapolis to check out the Mall of America and Paisley Park. Maggie started high school in August, too. 😳 Five chipmunks were caught and released over the summer. I took over 450 photos. I didn’t keep track of how many restaurants that Sara and I went to. This month of September we went to Nebraska for Sara’s sister’s wedding. During the sermon or whatever the pastor shared a story about an older couple with a successful marriage. When asked how they had stayed together for so long the husband replied, “I always figured it was her turn to get what she wanted.” That’s how you win. In healthy relationships life isn’t all about getting what we want but most of it is giving people what they want. Keeping that Christmas spirit of giving all year round is one of the foremost keys to happiness. In a similar thread Jimi messaged me not long ago, shared something that Cokie Roberts’ husband had said regarding their marriage. It was that the most important life choice we can make is who we spend it with. So in August Maggie and I moved in with Sara and her kids. It wasn’t on accident or on a whim that I chose Sara. She’s beautiful, kind, selfless, and intent on everyone having a good life. 💝 Speaking of life choices, today is/was my last day at the job I’ve had for the last 13 years. See, I could’ve stayed at my job and in my house in Geneva and been mostly comfortable. But then again and I hate to say this but life can suck when you’re stuck in second place. I’ve lived much of my life in the moment, in the here and now, but sometimes it’s better to look bigger picture. What we’re doing and what we really want to achieve. Where we’re going and where we really want to be. Who we’re with and who’ll really give us the fairy tale. I’ve gotten divorced, I’ve moved, and I start a new job on Monday. Go team. 💪 #photos #lettherebehope #diariespodcast Botsford · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:08 am Life is good! Enjoy the ride😊 tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:38 am 🎡 Pelletier · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:09 am Can I give you BOTH a “Happy” and a “Sad” like?…… Gonna miss you at the office. tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:25 am Maybe we’ll all hook up again at MATS next year!! 🚛 Rich J · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:17 am Who’d a thunk it. Your life change has led you on an incredible journey so far, hasn’t it? tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:26 am It most certainly has 💫 Laurie · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:21 am I am so very happy for you! You are a great guy! ♥️ tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:26 am Thank you! asquared01 · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:23 am Sounds like a fantastic summer! Congratulations on the move and the new job! :) tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:27 am Thanks!! It was pretty fantastic. 🎉 flood · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:40 am It’s so great to hear how well you are doing- congratulations!! 😊 tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:32 am Hard telling where I’d be at if it wasn’t for the good people at the Kane County Judicial Center! 😊 flood · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:58 am 😊 sprout · Sep 27, 2019 at 10:50 am Congrats, old friend. Happy that you’ve found the happiness you deserve. tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:36 am Thank you. The last time you were in Chicago was November 2013. I think you’re overdue. 😉 Ritter Parcel · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:35 am So happy for you and Maggie! You both deserve happiness. Cant wait to meet Sarah hint hint lol tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:37 am So when are you and Mike coming to visit? Bring Justice, too!! Ritter Parcel · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:45 am Mike, Travis has spoken lol Lewis · Sep 27, 2019 at 11:49 am Very cool…best wishes to you and Sara. tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 5:36 pm Thank you! cormanang · Sep 27, 2019 at 12:09 pm TEAM Travis rules. I am happy for you my friend. tcr! · Sep 27, 2019 at 5:36 pm Thanks!! jimi hindrance experience · Sep 27, 2019 at 12:44 pm 😎 DeeDee · Sep 27, 2019 at 1:52 pm Momma J · Sep 27, 2019 at 2:36 pm I’m so happy for you, so proud of you! Raes · Sep 27, 2019 at 2:41 pm Life is a journey…and new beginnings to look forward to. tism · Sep 27, 2019 at 4:29 pm W00t! franh · Sep 27, 2019 at 4:56 pm Couldn’t be happier for you buddy. Life is good. elaineorr · Sep 27, 2019 at 5:26 pm Lots of good thoughts edox · Sep 27, 2019 at 5:34 pm Irene · Sep 27, 2019 at 9:59 pm Were you able to transfer within your company or is it a brand new job? Best wishes to all of you on your new beginnings !! How exciting, how fantastic, make the best of everything… Much love! tcr! · Sep 28, 2019 at 10:10 am Whole new company, fresh start… And thank you!! Irene · Sep 28, 2019 at 12:50 pm Good for you. Good luck! tcr! · Sep 28, 2019 at 10:50 am PS- there’s a lot of false starts in life. Keep going… 💖 annekothe · Sep 28, 2019 at 11:29 am 😘 tcr! · Sep 28, 2019 at 1:02 pm 😘 Add a comment!   View original  
jolly green.mp3

jolly green.mp3

2019-09-21--:--:--

Content published: Sep 21, 2019 at 8:30 am CST · podcast published: Sep 21, 2019 at 8:30 am CST Please enjoy another song I recorded sometime in the late 90s, maybe 1998. Of course I wrote all the lyrics and music and played all the instruments. Because that's what you do when you're me. I am surfing the lifestyle that I was shown. I am riding the aftershock, a tidal wave… A boy that you have grown. You have sown, you have stoned. Who else am I to blame? Dare I say the trouble lies in how I learned, how I was raised? How I was burned? How I was shamed? Didn’t go to Harvard or enroll at Yale. Wanted to grown up an astronaut instead I got… A jail cell. Was a dope slot, addicted to shots. Can’t think for myself. I’m not a boy. I can think for myself now. Inflated with the airs of rage. Every breath is one of hate. Mean jolly green giant of field of defiance. Stones for you. Burns for you. Shocks for you. And you. And you. And you. I’m not a boy. I can think for myself now. Now I live the lifestyle that I choose. It’s got nothing to do with you. Threw away your noose, I let myself loose. Boo-hoo for you, singing your blues. Eating your abuse. Duck, duck, goose. I tie my shoes so fuck you. Alias: grahm sexton Title: jolly green #tcrmusic #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
Not even the here and now

Not even the here and now

2019-06-21--:--:--

Content published: Mar 3, 2017 at 12:30 pm CST · podcast published: Jun 21, 2019 at 10:30 am CST Time goes by and we move on and people come in and out of our lives and then we try hard to remember them when everything's quiet but the memories fade and we're only left with glimpses and fractures of what was and reminders that nothing is ever permanent, not even the here and now. Also: be somebody's hero today. 😉 #timeisirrelevant #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
Content published: Mar 23, 2017 at 8:17 am CST · podcast published: May 25, 2019 at 12:30 pm CST I have back and forth feelings of whether alcoholism is an actual disease like hepatitis or something. I guess at the end of the day it doesn't matter to me, doesn't change that my soul was sick. Emotionally distraught to the point it was affecting everything from my sleeping to my shitting to my relationships with Maggie and my cats. You that know me personally know my story. Did you ever see Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield? It's from the mid 80s, light hearted, goofy, classic Dangerfield. There's a scene where he's arguing with his professor about selling widgets. Dangerfield gets hung up on what exactly a widget is and the professor exasperated finally says... It's a fictional product, it doesn't matter. That's a powerful train of thought for me. Sometimes I can get hung up on wanting to debate a topic and often it's because I'm wanting to deflect looking at my own issues. I resist so I don't need to peer inward. When I'm deflecting I need to remember to self-critique. Maybe there's something I'm avoiding. And if so, the debate "doesn't matter." It's weird how I remember these lines from movies and they graft themselves into, make up part of my spiritual being. 😉 Anyways. Is alcoholism a true medical disease? I don't care. What I do care about, what does matter is that I can't drink responsibly. I drink irresponsibly to the point of excess. I get frantic when I don't drink. It becomes the only thing I care about. Above all else. That's what does matter. Also, as a last thing. I do think it's a proper medical illness. The way alcoholics are utterly consumed by the cravings and will drink to literal death, well that's just not a lack of willpower. #alcoholism #healthnews #protip #diariespodcast zumpknows · Mar 23, 2017 at 9:44 am This may have been a stumbling block for me when I was trying to bargain with alcohol, but there was no doubt that it was an addiction. Maybe it was a selective addiction, but it was my addiction to battle. And the battle became easier once I surrendered. coolcrosby · Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pm I agree that alcoholism is a disease; moreover, and more importantly all the overwhelming scientific and medical consensus is that alcoholism is a disease. SOmuch2learn · Mar 23, 2017 at 3:47 pm I agree that alcoholism is a disease. It helped me understand and accept my alcoholism after I read Under the Influence by Ketcham and Milam. gafflebitters · Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pm Thanks for this post, I agree with you and I have similar movie experiences. LokiGrue · Mar 23, 2017 at 3:54 pm As the long suffering spouse of an Alcoholic, I am sick of the “It’s a disease” mantra—it’s an excuse to not make the fucking choice to stop fucking drinking. It’s a “Disease” so it can get an ICD-10 Code, and people can get Insurance paying for treatment. Follow the fucking money. I’m sorry. She’s relapsing and I am tired of the excuses. LokiGrue · Mar 23, 2017 at 12:28 pm The “disease” is just an excuse, not a reason. Are you getting help for yourself by going to Alanon? I don’t do “Higher Powers.” SOmuch2learn · Mar 23, 2017 at 4:40 pm I don’t do “god” either. I’m an atheist but found both AA and Alanon very helpful. I just let the stuff that doesn’t apply to me slide off—I wear a teflon shield. I am very sorry about your wife. Alcoholism is heartbreaking. I would have gone crazy without the support I gained from Alanon. Anonymous · Mar 23, 2017 at 5:43 pm I am sorry your wife is relapsing. Do you really, really feel that she is ‘chosing’ to drink over you/your family? It may help to understand what is going on in her brain…. what makes her different…. why she struggles to not relapse…. This short 3 minute video should give you a little more insight, and (I very much hope!) something to understand and then work together to get help with. http://lundbeck.com/global/brain-disorders/disease-areas/other-diseases/alcohol-dependence It is not her fault that she has developed this condition, but it IS her choice to find something that helps her to move forwards. LokiGrue · Mar 23, 2017 at 6:02 pm I’m sick of this shit. Thankfully we’ve no children. She knows that I’ve drawn a line in the sand: She has two choices: Continue to drink and be served with Divorce papers, or not drink and we will stay married. She keeps whining “it’s not that simple!” Yes, it is actually. It may not be easy, but it is simple. And I have had enough. Another drink=Divorce. tcr! · Mar 23, 2017 at 6:11 pm Ya, I don’t blame you. Living with an alcoholic gets old real quick. And then nothing ever changes no matter how much we plead and beg and threaten. Just take care you and let your wife take care of herself. Just my 2 cents. :) Anonymous · Mar 23, 2017 at 6:22 pm Your decision to make of course, but I think sadly…. at some point, whether in the near or distant future… you will be serving those divorce papers. Without help, it is extremely unlikely that she will be able to refrain from drinking for any meaningful length of time. All the medical evidence demonstrates that her brain has been altered by repeated alcohol use. The pathway in her brain that associates alcohol = reward is stronger than all the others. Whilst you may chose not to believe it, and to maintain that she has a choice in the matter, that doesn’t make it any less true. You are correct, it is not easy. But she is also correct, it isn’t that simple. Once someone has become alcohol dependent, it is NOT a choice any longer. stankost · Mar 25, 2017 at 6:11 pm I think you have a valid point, it was a “personality disorder” few years ago,now it is a “disease”, but ICD had qualified “homosexuality” as mental illness in the past, but today you will be crucified for such statement, so I am also not convinced that alcoholism is a disease (it can lead to a bunch of medical problems of course). However, it is not easy for an alcoholic “just not to drink”. Add a comment!   View original  
Content published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CST · podcast published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CST After all my moaning my 2018 diaries book is now ready to be put in your shopping carts. If you have an unfulfilled diaries magazine subscription don’t buy the book. Your paperback will be in the mail soon. The ones available here on the site are autographed, too. Paperback and Kindle editions are available on Amazon, non-autographed of course. You should buy my book. And then tell your friends about it. And share it on social media, as you do. And then leave an Amazon review. I know that’s asking a lot but it would mean the world to me and I’d be eternally grateful. 💙 Sharing and reviews really do help. It’d be really cool if I could just do my writing (both spiritual and ridiculous) and earn a living doing such. As it is now, I do both when I have time. I hate making room for those things that are truly important. I just want to do those things that absolutely make truly my heart sing all the fucking time. I have at least 15 pieces that I’ve started writing but haven’t had the chance to finish. I have to feel what I’m writing or else the words come across like a piece of shit. And the writing zone isn’t something I can just turn on when I have 15 minutes to spare. And then I have at least 50 podcast episodes I could record but again, I have to be in the mood. Otherwise the words come out of my mouth like I’m an uncaring automaton. Anyways, I’ll quit bemoaning. Go buy my book. 😊 Peace out, death to dogmas. #diariesbook #diariespodcast #forsale Get the diaries for 2018 book tcr! · Apr 29, 2019 at 2:37 pm PS- The cover only went through four progressions. Sara vetoed the first cover straight away… 😊 Hater McGhray · Apr 29, 2019 at 2:54 pm Sara was right. tcr! · Apr 29, 2019 at 6:51 pm Absolutely right. She usually is 😊 JJania · Apr 29, 2019 at 2:56 pm I’ll be getting my paperback Wednesday. tcr! · Apr 29, 2019 at 5:21 pm Yay! Add a comment!   View original  
If I'm feeling the same way

If I'm feeling the same way

2019-04-19--:--:--

Content published: Oct 17, 2018 at 7:35 pm CST · podcast published: Apr 19, 2019 at 10:00 am CST If I’m feeling the same way a few days later about something I need to make peace with it. Or not. It’s true that the only thing I have to do with my feelings is feel them but sometimes they linger. They don’t resolve. And then I have to do something. I need to take action. Often times that action is just accepting whatever happened that caused my unrest to begin with. If the situation involved another person, for example, how would I act around them if it didn’t happen at all? That’s how I accept things. It’s not hard once I decide that I want to move forward in life. Regardless of where my feelings are at. Acting differently than how I feel isn’t denying my feelings or pretending whatever didn’t happened. It’s me deciding that I’m done with all that and am going to move on even if my heart is telling me something else. It’s not usual when the only closure I get is accepting that I won’t get resolution. That’s a realization I get to in my head because feelings can be icky and sticky. Like watching somebody leave when I want them to stay. I give them a hug and a kiss on the cheek, watch them get into the car and drive down the street. My heart twists as the taillights drive away. The physical bond between us stretches and dissolves as the car gets smaller. To the left. Around a bend. Disappear. Gone is gone. I turn and hobble up the sidewalk, the fallen leaves are too coincidental. The chilly air a nuisance, the gray sky unwanted. Inside the tears drip down like droplets over the outside of a boiling pot. Steam on the lid and mist in my eyes making it too hard to see what’s inside. Everything’s overflowing. Everything’s too much. The house isn’t empty but I’d rather be by myself. Alone I turn off the stove and the pot and the water start to cool. Just a minute ago the somebody was there and now I only have a fading memory. Okay stop. Enough with the melodrama. There was never a stove. Nor a boiling pot. Feelings are beautiful, magical things and experiencing them makes us whole human beings. They’re the yin to the intellect’s yan. But they don’t run the show and allowing them to will only end up making life miserable. #advancedsoul #diariespodcast Richard · Oct 19, 2018 at 5:18 am Nice. Got it. Thanks. marney0160 · Oct 20, 2018 at 9:04 am Nice! Thanks for the reminder… Add a comment!   View original  
Content published: Oct 14, 2018 at 10:09 am CST · podcast published: Apr 18, 2019 at 7:30 am CST Sometimes I’ll got out on a culinary limb. A daring yet delectable escapade, laying out loads of cash for adventurous taste combinations that send the conservatives repulsed to the bakeries of safety. For example, in this year of 2018, this month of October, I dropped Candy Apple frosting from Pillsbury into my basket, impromptu style while in the aisles of Blue Goose. A one-handed yet non-acrobatic feat that impressed shoppers clear yonder to the western deli department. Basket maneuvers aside, be aware impulsive and intrigued icing shoppers, concede to my financial frosting fiasco. This cake topping may look moist and delicious on the box but the taste and texture is more akin to sweet, fluffy lipstick. There may be a market for apple red lipstick for the baked cakes but I'm not included in it. One might ask how I know what lipstick tastes like. That would be a very good question to ask. 🍰💄🤔 #photos #allislost #diariespodcast Momma J · Oct 14, 2018 at 11:23 pm It looks nasty! tcr! · Oct 15, 2018 at 10:12 am I thought it looked delicious! Like a thick, fire engine red pillowy pudding. Kelly K · Oct 15, 2018 at 6:26 am Fantastic review! Wish I had been there to see the basket drop. tcr! · Oct 15, 2018 at 10:14 am Usually I’m in Blue Goose once a week. Perhaps our grocery paths will cross one day. Kelly K · Oct 15, 2018 at 5:18 pm I can only hope! Add a comment!   View original  
Let the ideas go

Let the ideas go

2019-04-14--:--:--

Content published: Oct 11, 2018 at 11:27 am CDT · podcast published: Apr 14, 2019 at 6:10 pm CDT I have ideas all the time, things I wanna do around the house or to my truck, or books I wanna write or pictures I wanna take. If it’s a really good idea I’ll get excited about it. If I’m really excited with my idea, I’ll actually do it. If I have other things going on, I’ll adjust my schedule to turn my idea into a real thing. If I can’t budge my schedule because I have other priorities, then I forget about my idea. I don’t write it down. I’ll just let it die in my head. Because if my idea is really good I’ll have the same idea again. If my idea wasn’t that good, it probably deserves to fade away. When my ideas die, I don’t feed bad or feel like I’m not enough. I don’t get discouraged because I don’t have the time or whatever. I just let the ideas go. I can’t do everything I ever wanted and that’s okay. And that one idea, if I didn’t have enough passion or drive to make it happen, isn’t going to change the world anyway. It’s not gonna make me a whole person nor is it gonna be a silver bullet to end world hunger or a golden chalice to bring about world peace. I may have read the gist of all of this somewhere else. I can’t remember. But letting ideas go is an idea I had (mine or not) that's worth sharing. #protip #diariespodcast jimi hindrance experience · Oct 11, 2018 at 4:30 pm Snoopy is a catch-all for me because he’s so cool. And this image in particular, he’s just Joe Cool. Shit eating grin and zero given. That’s “why Snoopy?” Add a comment!   View original  
FMN.mp3

FMN.mp3

2019-04-06--:--:--

Content published: Apr 6, 2019 at 1:20 pm CDT · podcast published: Apr 6, 2019 at 1:20 pm CDT Please enjoy a song I recorded sometime in the late 90s, maybe 1998. Of course I wrote all the lyrics and music and played all the instruments. Because that's what you do when you're me. The additional vocals/voices are messages left on my home answering machine. When those were a thing. You are not a slave.You are not a fucking slave. 2486 5017-6 18509 55 To accept the charges press 1 now. The more I am made to feel leashed and shaved,the less I am enticed by the dull warmth.Radiating your cage, butterflying lice.Radiation your face, acne price. Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold. You might scare people with that message.It was a good ‘un. Wouldn’t scare no body. The more I am tricked by grandpa thoughts and fleshed bricks,the less I am willing to forgive the scars.Wound to lick, skinned up bars,human ticks, candy jars,control fix, dysfunction par. Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold. You are not a slave.K, you’re aren’t very commercial but that’s okay.Fuck commercialization.Fuck the diabolic clown cauldron, alright.You are not a slave. You might scare people with that message.But you are not fucking a slave.It was a good ‘un. Wouldn’t scare no body. To accept the charges press 1 now. So does your whore. The more I am molded with foil and Christmas coal,the less I am ready for hot pocket guilt.Redundant scolds, nasal silk,50s hold, pinball tilt,coward bold, razor built,heart of mold, blood of milk. Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold. But you are not fucking a slave. Alias: grahm sexton Title: FMN #tcrmusic #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
Content published: Oct 10, 2018 at 12:30 pm CDT · podcast published: Apr 5, 2019 at 3:15 pm CDT Years ago I used to work with this client, aliased Jack, who would continually get on my nerves. He wasn’t a bad guy but every now and then he would email[1] me a question, looking for an answer to something we’d been over and over again. I would read his email and think, “Why the fuck are you asking me this? We’ve already talked about it. More than once. I got better shit to do than repeat myself. For the third time.” I saw the email conversations as nothing but ridiculous. No, the world’s not gonna blow up if you click that button. If it could blow up, my annoying little friend, you wouldn’t be able to see the button, let alone click the fucking button. Obviously customer service doesn’t run in my blood. I like talking with my friends and family but I’m not a big fan of talking to people when I “have to.” By and large there’s little interest in me to hand out warm fuzzies to the clients. I like to write code at work, not give hugs. So back to Jack. I was thinking about him this morning because thoughts come and go, as they do. He was a nervous, jittery guy. Anxious pretty much every time I spoke with him. He would often get five steps ahead of me when we were reviewing his projects and I’d be like, “dude, slow down.” I would actually call him “dude” which is my polite way of saying “you moron.” But time equals clarity and so I tend to think with those calls and emails what he was after was reassurance. He was looking to be comforted in someway if you will. Don’t make that weird because it’s not. But maybe he was homosexual, I don’t know.[2] I doubt if him wanting a professional “hug” was a front-burner thought. It’s not unusual for people to create little messes in their mind, get themselves all worked up and bent out of shape, and then lean on somebody they trust. Someone who’ll tell them it’s okay, that everything’s fine. Someone who'll offer solutions to their problems. And then life can be right for a moment. I don’t know for sure that’s what was up with Jack but it’s what I’m inclined to think. Being in touch with what other people are feeling or needing is not something that comes naturally to me. I’m a man, not an empath. I have to consciously pay attention to those around me or else I’ll be content in my own imaginary land of Hobbitses and/or Synthetics. That will sometimes get me in trouble, too. Here's a quote by David F. Swink: Having poor empathy skills can lead to serious consequences. It can lead to conflict born of misunderstanding. Without it we can feel lonely within a relationship. Lack of empathy can cause companies to make catastrophic blunders that alienate their customers or employees and it can even incite violence.[3] Hopefully I’ve never incited violence. I do have the occasion thought of hitting someone on the head with a hammer though.[4] Thinking about Jack in the here and now it’s easier to see where his antics were coming from, hindsight being 20/20 and all that. There’s nothing I can do about that relationship now but I can maybe carry a little extra empathy into my present day interactions with Jill, aliased of course. Last paragraph: sometimes we make amends to someone by being a little bit nicer to the next guy. He stopped calling me once he figured out I always sent him to voicemail. ↑ I was being silly just then. ↑ Source: I Don't Feel Your Pain: Overcoming Roadblocks to Empathy. ↑ Again, I was being silly. ↑ #advancedsoul #relationships #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
Content published: Jul 18, 2017 at 7:47 am CDT · podcast published: Apr 3, 2019 at 8:55 pm CDT One time she asked me in a hostile voice: what did you expect was going to happen? It was rhetorical and stunning like a conversational taser. I had no counter, no retort. My behaviors and their followup consequences weren’t relevant when we started talking. Emotionally blinded and tunneling with rage on the pain she’d dealt me and not the pain I'd dealt her. Hers was the most recent and according to my Truxion Manual the last person to hurt somebody is what you talk about. Sitting where I am now years later I don't blame her. For a good many things. Looking back I now expect her to act just like she did. #relationships #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
I don't deserve nice things

I don't deserve nice things

2019-03-27--:--:--

Content published: Oct 9, 2018 at 9:52 am CDT · podcast published: Mar 26, 2019 at 8:50 pm CDT Some time over the weekend I had a dream that it was Wednesday after work and the robot vacuum hadn't done his scheduled cleaning. And then I was crushed and frustrated, defeated and agitated, almost to the brink of tears. Another substantiated claim that I don't deserve nice things. It was worse when I was drinking, that train of thought. I’d like to say it surprises me that I still have that thought but it doesn’t. Really though it’s not about deserving as much as “can’t have nice things.” Because I’ll put myself in impossible situations. Where I’ll never win. It’s a dysfunctional pattern carried from when I was a teenager or something. Which leads into the struggles of a life inherited. From a previous life. More realistically it’s probably from my genetics. Family of origin stuff, a television spin off. Desperately pleading that things would get better. But they won’t. They can’t. I stay in those situations because I’ve dug a hole. It’s pretty much impossible to get out. I don’t know how to do anything else. And we don’t find nice things in holes. They don’t have them. After spending over a decade in a hole it becomes familiar and comfortable. I can distract myself with my imagination, satisfy myself with make-believe. I can put a nice rug here and maybe a lamp over there. Sometimes I strive and strain to climb out. But it just doesn’t work. And then I give up. Yet again. It’s easier just to give up, accept that everything’s terrible. Because this is just how it’s going to be. Obviously I don’t feel spiritual every day. And then I flounder around for a day or two. Maybe a week. Read a spiritual book. Go to a meeting. Hear something that puts me back on track. Points me again in the right direction. How I feel is not who I am. God’s got a bigger plan. Maybe I’m not supposed to have nice things right now. Keep the faith, peeps. Let go absolutely. #allislost #advancedsoul #diariespodcast #nicethings Add a comment!   View original  
Seven Sledgehammers

Seven Sledgehammers

2019-03-22--:--:--

Content published: Oct 4, 2018 at 11:07 am CDT · podcast published: Mar 22, 2019 at 10:15 am CDT Lying is the absolute worst. “No, I wasn’t drinking. What the hell are you talking about?” Telling lies. To another person. Makes them crazy. They start to question their own sanity. Someone has a pretty good idea about something and then we go and sow a row of doubt. It’s twofold. Not only are we handing them a flat out lie, we’re also giving them personal conflict. We’re insisting they stop questioning us and question themselves. Self-doubt is one of the worst things we can serve somebody. It’s a car wreck for the soul. Twisted metal and broken headlights. Sure, the fender can be bent back but it’ll never be true. It’s funny that we tell our kids that it’s not what they did that was so bad, it was that they lied about it. And then we grow up as adults and do the same thing. But on a Rushmore, monumental level. I don’t know about you guys but if someone lies to me that’s just it. … I wrote the above back in August. And then it just sat there not feeling finished. It’s all fine and good but it’s also abstract. The real stories in life aren’t. The car crash here is that I lied to somebody yesterday. A flat out lie as mentioned above. First time I can remember since I stopped drinking. I lied because I don’t like this person. I don’t trust them. Being honest gives them ammunition and I don’t like the thought of loading bullets into an unstable person’s gun. I am kind of disappointed in myself, though. Lying goes against what I believe, who I want to be. In all situations. In all dilemmas. However, I don’t feel too bad for lying to this particular person. They lie to me on the bimonthly basis, the latest just this past week. I know they lied because I looked it up. I didn’t crucify this person for it but I wanted to. I mean really wanted to. I could justify the whole situation with some notion about how spiritual truths need not apply in all situations. Cold wars and nuclear armaments. I won’t make more of a case than that because I don’t really have one. Plastic tanks and toy soldiers, peeps. Would I do it again? Tell a flat out lie? Probably not but I don’t know. Sometimes somebody shines a hot spotlight on us and shit just happens. I don’t like how I feel about lying for sure. I don’t like playing the odds that I’ll get caught. Driving fast doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I don’t want to smash up, crash up somebody’s fender. So there’s my confession. Two Jim Carrolls and a bottle of wine. #confessional #diariespodcast jimi hindrance experience · Oct 4, 2018 at 12:02 pm I was just thinking about this this morning. When someone asks me something personal, and I don’t feel like answering, I lie my head off to them about it. I mean I was “literally doing battle with pirates” so how could you dare want to know? Or even if I just think the person is stupid. No, I was using my ultra-light aircraft and just floated above all the traffic. There are other exceptions, starting with if I don’t like the person. I’ll lie. The best reply to all of these situations though is the blank stare. About 5 years ago when I first started at a job, an idiot wanted to know something. After the silence, she says, “Jim I think if you don’t want to answer something you just don’t!” Another person was present, and the second person giggled. I enjoyed that giggle. She let me know she gets me and she was on my side. The inquistor was probably too thick to know how obnoxious they were being, so it might have been all for naught but she eventually stopped asking me stuff like that. tcr! · Oct 4, 2018 at 12:43 pm “an idiot wanted to know something” … this could be title of many a book. Add a comment!   View original  
Quite possibly hungover

Quite possibly hungover

2019-03-20--:--:--

Content published: Oct 2, 2018 at 7:23 pm CDT · podcast published: Mar 20, 2019 at 10:30 am CDT The scene was once again my truck. I was sitting at a stoplight and a minivan pulled up in the lane next to me. The wife appeared to be driving and, who I assume to be the husband, was slumped over in the passenger seat. Quite possibly hungover. Renounced pathetic in his silence and downward, saddened gaze. The engrossing part of this travel tale was that she was scolding him with both hands and all that. Arms flailing. Eyes furious. Teeth gnashing. Murderously chewing his ass upside and down there behind their minivan windows. This would be a day I would not ever forget if I were him. The guy looked defeated as he sat there frumpily slumped. Acceptive of whatever verbal beating his wife was handing down. I don’t know if he fucked the dog last night or what, but guys, this dude was in trouble. 😯 #trafficnews #relationships #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
Content published: Oct 2, 2018 at 4:36 pm CDT · podcast published: Mar 18, 2019 at 3:00 pm CDT One time when I was drinking I put a lawn chair in the middle of the yard that runs along the side of my house. My thought was that it’d be the perfect spot to keep tabs on the neighbors from a slightly covert location. A couple days later when I was sober I remembered the lawn chair and returned it to the back deck. I felt somewhat embarrassed afterward as it was a somewhat embarrassing place to have lawn furniture. Sitting shamefully in the grass along the side of the house. If you ever see a guy sitting in a lawnchair in his side yard, it would be safe to assume he’s drunk. #alcoholism #homeimprovement #diariespodcast Add a comment!   View original  
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