tcr! diaries - podcast
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© Copyright 2019 tcr!
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The ebbs and flows of this alcoholic. It's all true. Sometimes I'm serious. Sometimes I'm not. The episodes tend to be short.
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Content published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CDT· podcast published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CDTAfter all my moaning my 2018 diaries book is now ready to be put in your shopping carts. If you have an unfulfilled diaries magazine subscription don’t buy the book. Your paperback will be in the mail soon.The ones available here on the site are autographed, too. Paperback and Kindle editions are available on Amazon, non-autographed of course.You should buy my book. And then tell your friends about it. And share it on social media, as you do. And then leave an Amazon review. I know that’s asking a lot but it would mean the world to me and I’d be eternally grateful. 💙 Sharing and reviews really do help.It’d be really cool if I could just do my writing (both spiritual and ridiculous) and earn a living doing such. As it is now, I do both when I have time. I hate making room for those things that are truly important. I just want to do those things that absolutely make truly my heart sing all the fucking time.I have at least 15 pieces that I’ve started writing but haven’t had the chance to finish. I have to feel what I’m writing or else the words come across like a piece of shit. And the writing zone isn’t something I can just turn on when I have 15 minutes to spare.And then I have at least 50 podcast episodes I could record but again, I have to be in the mood. Otherwise the words come out of my mouth like I’m an uncaring automaton.Anyways, I’ll quit bemoaning. Go buy my book. 😊Peace out, death to dogmas.#diariesbook #diariespodcast #forsale Get the diaries for 2018 booktcr!· Apr 29, 2019 at 2:37 pmPS- The cover only went through four progressions. Sara vetoed the first cover straight away… 😊 Hater McGhray· Apr 29, 2019 at 2:54 pmSara was right. tcr!· Apr 29, 2019 at 6:51 pmAbsolutely right. She usually is 😊 JJania· Apr 29, 2019 at 2:56 pmI’ll be getting my paperback Wednesday. tcr!· Apr 29, 2019 at 5:21 pmYay! Add a comment! View original
Content published: Oct 17, 2018 at 7:35 pm CDT· podcast published: Apr 19, 2019 at 10:00 am CDTIf I’m feeling the same way a few days later about something I need to make peace with it. Or not.It’s true that the only thing I have to do with my feelings is feel them but sometimes they linger. They don’t resolve. And then I have to do something. I need to take action.Often times that action is just accepting whatever happened that caused my unrest to begin with. If the situation involved another person, for example, how would I act around them if it didn’t happen at all?That’s how I accept things. It’s not hard once I decide that I want to move forward in life. Regardless of where my feelings are at.Acting differently than how I feel isn’t denying my feelings or pretending whatever didn’t happened. It’s me deciding that I’m done with all that and am going to move on even if my heart is telling me something else.It’s not usual when the only closure I get is accepting that I won’t get resolution. That’s a realization I get to in my head because feelings can be icky and sticky.Like watching somebody leave when I want them to stay. I give them a hug and a kiss on the cheek, watch them get into the car and drive down the street. My heart twists as the taillights drive away. The physical bond between us stretches and dissolves as the car gets smaller.To the left. Around a bend. Disappear. Gone is gone.I turn and hobble up the sidewalk, the fallen leaves are too coincidental. The chilly air a nuisance, the gray sky unwanted.Inside the tears drip down like droplets over the outside of a boiling pot. Steam on the lid and mist in my eyes making it too hard to see what’s inside. Everything’s overflowing. Everything’s too much.The house isn’t empty but I’d rather be by myself. Alone I turn off the stove and the pot and the water start to cool. Just a minute ago the somebody was there and now I only have a fading memory.Okay stop. Enough with the melodrama.There was never a stove. Nor a boiling pot.Feelings are beautiful, magical things and experiencing them makes us whole human beings. They’re the yin to the intellect’s yan.But they don’t run the show and allowing them to will only end up making life miserable.#advancedsoul #diariespodcastRichard· Oct 19, 2018 at 5:18 amNice.Got it. Thanks. marney0160· Oct 20, 2018 at 9:04 amNice! Thanks for the reminder… Add a comment! View original
Content published: Oct 14, 2018 at 10:09 am CDT· podcast published: Apr 18, 2019 at 7:30 am CDTSometimes I’ll got out on a culinary limb. A daring yet delectable escapade, laying out loads of cash for adventurous taste combinations that send the conservatives repulsed to the bakeries of safety.For example, in this year of 2018, this month of October, I dropped Candy Apple frosting from Pillsbury into my basket, impromptu style while in the aisles of Blue Goose. A one-handed yet non-acrobatic feat that impressed shoppers clear yonder to the western deli department.Basket maneuvers aside, be aware impulsive and intrigued icing shoppers, concede to my financial frosting fiasco. This cake topping may look moist and delicious on the box but the taste and texture is more akin to sweet, fluffy lipstick.There may be a market for apple red lipstick for the baked cakes but I'm not included in it.One might ask how I know what lipstick tastes like. That would be a very good question to ask.🍰💄🤔 #photos #allislost #diariespodcastMomma J· Oct 14, 2018 at 11:23 pmIt looks nasty! tcr!· Oct 15, 2018 at 10:12 amI thought it looked delicious! Like a thick, fire engine red pillowy pudding. Kelly K· Oct 15, 2018 at 6:26 amFantastic review! Wish I had been there to see the basket drop. tcr!· Oct 15, 2018 at 10:14 amUsually I’m in Blue Goose once a week. Perhaps our grocery paths will cross one day. Kelly K· Oct 15, 2018 at 5:18 pmI can only hope! Add a comment! View original
Content published: Oct 11, 2018 at 11:27 am CDT· podcast published: Apr 14, 2019 at 6:10 pm CDTI have ideas all the time, things I wanna do around the house or to my truck, or books I wanna write or pictures I wanna take. If it’s a really good idea I’ll get excited about it. If I’m really excited with my idea, I’ll actually do it. If I have other things going on, I’ll adjust my schedule to turn my idea into a real thing.If I can’t budge my schedule because I have other priorities, then I forget about my idea. I don’t write it down. I’ll just let it die in my head. Because if my idea is really good I’ll have the same idea again. If my idea wasn’t that good, it probably deserves to fade away.When my ideas die, I don’t feed bad or feel like I’m not enough. I don’t get discouraged because I don’t have the time or whatever. I just let the ideas go. I can’t do everything I ever wanted and that’s okay.And that one idea, if I didn’t have enough passion or drive to make it happen, isn’t going to change the world anyway. It’s not gonna make me a whole person nor is it gonna be a silver bullet to end world hunger or a golden chalice to bring about world peace.I may have read the gist of all of this somewhere else. I can’t remember. But letting ideas go is an idea I had (mine or not) that's worth sharing.#protip #diariespodcastjimi hindrance experience· Oct 11, 2018 at 4:30 pmSnoopy is a catch-all for me because he’s so cool. And this image in particular, he’s just Joe Cool. Shit eating grin and zero given. That’s “why Snoopy?” Add a comment! View original
Content published: Apr 6, 2019 at 1:20 pm CDT· podcast published: Apr 6, 2019 at 1:20 pm CDTPlease enjoy a song I recorded sometime in the late 90s, maybe 1998. Of course I wrote all the lyrics and music and played all the instruments. Because that's what you do when you're me.The additional vocals/voices are messages left on my home answering machine. When those were a thing.You are not a slave.You are not a fucking slave.2486 5017-6 18509 55To accept the charges press 1 now.The more I am made to feel leashed and shaved,the less I am enticed by the dull warmth.Radiating your cage, butterflying lice.Radiation your face, acne price.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.You might scare people with that message.It was a good ‘un. Wouldn’t scare no body.The more I am tricked by grandpa thoughts and fleshed bricks,the less I am willing to forgive the scars.Wound to lick, skinned up bars,human ticks, candy jars,control fix, dysfunction par.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.You are not a slave.K, you’re aren’t very commercial but that’s okay.Fuck commercialization.Fuck the diabolic clown cauldron, alright.You are not a slave.You might scare people with that message.But you are not fucking a slave.It was a good ‘un. Wouldn’t scare no body.To accept the charges press 1 now.So does your whore.The more I am molded with foil and Christmas coal,the less I am ready for hot pocket guilt.Redundant scolds, nasal silk,50s hold, pinball tilt,coward bold, razor built,heart of mold, blood of milk.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.But you are not fucking a slave.Alias: grahm sextonTitle: FMN#tcrmusic #diariespodcastAdd a comment! View original
Content published: Oct 10, 2018 at 12:30 pm CDT· podcast published: Apr 5, 2019 at 3:15 pm CDTYears ago I used to work with this client, aliased Jack, who would continually get on my nerves. He wasn’t a bad guy but every now and then he would email[1] me a question, looking for an answer to something we’d been over and over again.I would read his email and think, “Why the fuck are you asking me this? We’ve already talked about it. More than once. I got better shit to do than repeat myself. For the third time.”I saw the email conversations as nothing but ridiculous.No, the world’s not gonna blow up if you click that button. If it could blow up, my annoying little friend, you wouldn’t be able to see the button, let alone click the fucking button.Obviously customer service doesn’t run in my blood. I like talking with my friends and family but I’m not a big fan of talking to people when I “have to.” By and large there’s little interest in me to hand out warm fuzzies to the clients. I like to write code at work, not give hugs.So back to Jack.I was thinking about him this morning because thoughts come and go, as they do. He was a nervous, jittery guy. Anxious pretty much every time I spoke with him. He would often get five steps ahead of me when we were reviewing his projects and I’d be like, “dude, slow down.” I would actually call him “dude” which is my polite way of saying “you moron.”But time equals clarity and so I tend to think with those calls and emails what he was after was reassurance. He was looking to be comforted in someway if you will. Don’t make that weird because it’s not. But maybe he was homosexual, I don’t know.[2]I doubt if him wanting a professional “hug” was a front-burner thought. It’s not unusual for people to create little messes in their mind, get themselves all worked up and bent out of shape, and then lean on somebody they trust. Someone who’ll tell them it’s okay, that everything’s fine. Someone who'll offer solutions to their problems.And then life can be right for a moment.I don’t know for sure that’s what was up with Jack but it’s what I’m inclined to think.Being in touch with what other people are feeling or needing is not something that comes naturally to me. I’m a man, not an empath. I have to consciously pay attention to those around me or else I’ll be content in my own imaginary land of Hobbitses and/or Synthetics.That will sometimes get me in trouble, too.Here's a quote by David F. Swink:Having poor empathy skills can lead to serious consequences. It can lead to conflict born of misunderstanding. Without it we can feel lonely within a relationship. Lack of empathy can cause companies to make catastrophic blunders that alienate their customers or employees and it can even incite violence.[3]Hopefully I’ve never incited violence. I do have the occasion thought of hitting someone on the head with a hammer though.[4]Thinking about Jack in the here and now it’s easier to see where his antics were coming from, hindsight being 20/20 and all that. There’s nothing I can do about that relationship now but I can maybe carry a little extra empathy into my present day interactions with Jill, aliased of course.Last paragraph: sometimes we make amends to someone by being a little bit nicer to the next guy.He stopped calling me once he figured out I always sent him to voicemail. ↑I was being silly just then. ↑Source: I Don't Feel Your Pain: Overcoming Roadblocks to Empathy. ↑Again, I was being silly. ↑#advancedsoul #relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment! View original
Content published: Jul 18, 2017 at 7:47 am CDT· podcast published: Apr 3, 2019 at 8:55 pm CDTOne time she asked me in a hostile voice: what did you expect was going to happen?It was rhetorical and stunning like a conversational taser. I had no counter, no retort.My behaviors and their followup consequences weren’t relevant when we started talking. Emotionally blinded and tunneling with rage on the pain she’d dealt me and not the pain I'd dealt her. Hers was the most recent and according to my Truxion Manual the last person to hurt somebody is what you talk about.Sitting where I am now years later I don't blame her. For a good many things. Looking back I now expect her to act just like she did.#relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment! View original
Content published: Oct 9, 2018 at 9:52 am CDT· podcast published: Mar 26, 2019 at 8:50 pm CDTSome time over the weekend I had a dream that it was Wednesday after work and the robot vacuum hadn't done his scheduled cleaning. And then I was crushed and frustrated, defeated and agitated, almost to the brink of tears.Another substantiated claim that I don't deserve nice things.It was worse when I was drinking, that train of thought. I’d like to say it surprises me that I still have that thought but it doesn’t.Really though it’s not about deserving as much as “can’t have nice things.” Because I’ll put myself in impossible situations. Where I’ll never win.It’s a dysfunctional pattern carried from when I was a teenager or something. Which leads into the struggles of a life inherited. From a previous life. More realistically it’s probably from my genetics. Family of origin stuff, a television spin off.Desperately pleading that things would get better. But they won’t. They can’t. I stay in those situations because I’ve dug a hole. It’s pretty much impossible to get out. I don’t know how to do anything else.And we don’t find nice things in holes. They don’t have them.After spending over a decade in a hole it becomes familiar and comfortable. I can distract myself with my imagination, satisfy myself with make-believe. I can put a nice rug here and maybe a lamp over there.Sometimes I strive and strain to climb out. But it just doesn’t work. And then I give up. Yet again. It’s easier just to give up, accept that everything’s terrible. Because this is just how it’s going to be.Obviously I don’t feel spiritual every day. And then I flounder around for a day or two. Maybe a week. Read a spiritual book. Go to a meeting. Hear something that puts me back on track. Points me again in the right direction.How I feel is not who I am.God’s got a bigger plan. Maybe I’m not supposed to have nice things right now.Keep the faith, peeps. Let go absolutely.#allislost #advancedsoul #diariespodcast #nicethingsAdd a comment! View original
Content published: Oct 4, 2018 at 11:07 am CDT· podcast published: Mar 22, 2019 at 10:15 am CDTLying is the absolute worst.“No, I wasn’t drinking. What the hell are you talking about?”Telling lies. To another person. Makes them crazy. They start to question their own sanity.Someone has a pretty good idea about something and then we go and sow a row of doubt. It’s twofold. Not only are we handing them a flat out lie, we’re also giving them personal conflict. We’re insisting they stop questioning us and question themselves.Self-doubt is one of the worst things we can serve somebody. It’s a car wreck for the soul. Twisted metal and broken headlights. Sure, the fender can be bent back but it’ll never be true.It’s funny that we tell our kids that it’s not what they did that was so bad, it was that they lied about it. And then we grow up as adults and do the same thing. But on a Rushmore, monumental level.I don’t know about you guys but if someone lies to me that’s just it.…I wrote the above back in August. And then it just sat there not feeling finished.It’s all fine and good but it’s also abstract. The real stories in life aren’t. The car crash here is that I lied to somebody yesterday. A flat out lie as mentioned above. First time I can remember since I stopped drinking.I lied because I don’t like this person. I don’t trust them. Being honest gives them ammunition and I don’t like the thought of loading bullets into an unstable person’s gun.I am kind of disappointed in myself, though. Lying goes against what I believe, who I want to be. In all situations. In all dilemmas.However, I don’t feel too bad for lying to this particular person. They lie to me on the bimonthly basis, the latest just this past week. I know they lied because I looked it up. I didn’t crucify this person for it but I wanted to. I mean really wanted to.I could justify the whole situation with some notion about how spiritual truths need not apply in all situations. Cold wars and nuclear armaments. I won’t make more of a case than that because I don’t really have one. Plastic tanks and toy soldiers, peeps.Would I do it again? Tell a flat out lie? Probably not but I don’t know. Sometimes somebody shines a hot spotlight on us and shit just happens. I don’t like how I feel about lying for sure. I don’t like playing the odds that I’ll get caught. Driving fast doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I don’t want to smash up, crash up somebody’s fender.So there’s my confession. Two Jim Carrolls and a bottle of wine.#confessional #diariespodcastjimi hindrance experience· Oct 4, 2018 at 12:02 pmI was just thinking about this this morning. When someone asks me something personal, and I don’t feel like answering, I lie my head off to them about it. I mean I was “literally doing battle with pirates” so how could you dare want to know? Or even if I just think the person is stupid. No, I was using my ultra-light aircraft and just floated above all the traffic. There are other exceptions, starting with if I don’t like the person. I’ll lie.The best reply to all of these situations though is the blank stare. About 5 years ago when I first started at a job, an idiot wanted to know something. After the silence, she says, “Jim I think if you don’t want to answer something you just don’t!” Another person was present, and the second person giggled. I enjoyed that giggle. She let me know she gets me and she was on my side. The inquistor was probably too thick to know how obnoxious they were being, so it might have been all for naught but she eventually stopped asking me stuff like that. tcr!· Oct 4, 2018 at 12:43 pm“an idiot wanted to know something” … this could be title of many a book. Add a comment! View original
Content published: Oct 2, 2018 at 7:23 pm CDT· podcast published: Mar 20, 2019 at 10:30 am CDTThe scene was once again my truck.I was sitting at a stoplight and a minivan pulled up in the lane next to me.The wife appeared to be driving and, who I assume to be the husband, was slumped over in the passenger seat. Quite possibly hungover. Renounced pathetic in his silence and downward, saddened gaze.The engrossing part of this travel tale was that she was scolding him with both hands and all that. Arms flailing. Eyes furious. Teeth gnashing. Murderously chewing his ass upside and down there behind their minivan windows.This would be a day I would not ever forget if I were him. The guy looked defeated as he sat there frumpily slumped. Acceptive of whatever verbal beating his wife was handing down.I don’t know if he fucked the dog last night or what, but guys, this dude was in trouble. 😯#trafficnews #relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment! View original
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