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Content published: Oct 2, 2018 at 4:36 pm CDT· podcast published: Mar 18, 2019 at 3:00 pm CDTOne time when I was drinking I put a lawn chair in the middle of the yard that runs along the side of my house. My thought was that it’d be the perfect spot to keep tabs on the neighbors from a slightly covert location.A couple days later when I was sober I remembered the lawn chair and returned it to the back deck. I felt somewhat embarrassed afterward as it was a somewhat embarrassing place to have lawn furniture. Sitting shamefully in the grass along the side of the house.If you ever see a guy sitting in a lawnchair in his side yard, it would be safe to assume he’s drunk.#alcoholism #homeimprovement #diariespodcastAdd a comment! View original

The case of the conspicuous lawn furniture

2019-03-18--:--:--

Content published: Oct 1, 2018 at 1:03 pm CDT· podcast published: Mar 17, 2019 at 3:50 pm CDTWhen I’m around you guys it’s easy to be my best self.I would almost say that it comes naturally. I don’t even think about it.But there are other times when I’m around other people when there’s nothing easy about being a good person. It takes 100% of my concentration. It takes dedicated and duplicated prayers. It takes front-burner, fore-thought action.It takes getting to know and being comfortable with my anger beforehand so it’s not overwhelming when I’m around the jerks who live only in their own worlds, who live from only their own point of view.[1]It takes regular and routine reseting so I don’t get lost in the chaos. It takes pretending to care even when I honestly don’t.Because at the end of the day people are going to hurt us. They’re going to give us reasons to be angry. The trick is to love them anyway. At all costs.#advancedsoul #diariespodcastGranted I do, too, at times but somewhere along the way I was clued into thinking about you guys, too. Your wants, your needs, your feelings before letting what I want become too much of a priority. ↑Add a comment! View original

Dedicated and duplicated prayers

2019-03-17--:--:--

Content published: Sep 29, 2018 at 11:43 am CDT· podcast published: Mar 15, 2019 at 1:45 pm CDTI’m sitting in the McDonalds on State Street in Geneva. Because Egg McMuffins.This is also the place where Maggie’s mom and I told Maggie that we were getting divorced. It was the most painful conversation I’ve ever had. The most painful day ever. Watching her little nine year old face panic as the conversation unfolded.It wasn’t a long conversation but it lasted forever to me.A therapist said to do it in public so the hurt would live outside the home. Sometimes breakups really better are in public. Sometimes it's the better way out.And as we were driving back home, the three of us, I thought to myself, “I’m never going to that fucking place again.”But here I am. Cuppa years later.Because one of the best things I learned was to “give it some time.”For as long as it takes. Don’t make up your mind. Just put it down. Don’t rush healing. Don't rush the feeling. Let the pain fade. It will if we don’t force its end.#photos #protip #diariespodcastIrene· Sep 29, 2018 at 12:14 pmThat’s an interesting theory about a public place. I had never ever heard that before. I guess it would really just depend on all the people involved as to whether or not you wanted that displayed in a public place… Definitely food for thoughtful! Time has a way of healing everything $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;Irene· Sep 29, 2018 at 12:16 pmI know I messed up I meant food for thought! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;tcr!· Sep 29, 2018 at 12:40 pmI knew what you meant 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;Irene· Sep 29, 2018 at 12:51 pmFigured you would, but who knows what anyone else would think 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;Add a comment! View original

Almost empty McDonalds

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Do you ever wake up cranky for no good reason?

2019-03-14--:--:--

Withholding the Cheese Puffs

2019-03-12--:--:--

Content published: Sep 21, 2018 at 11:23 am CDT· podcast published: Mar 10, 2019 at 10:33 am CDTLooking for reasons why things would fail used to be a big part of my day.I devoted hours to it. Always poking around under the hood for clues to prove that whoever I’d gotten close to was up to no good. That I was going to get hurt. That people were evil.Reviewing all the data at frequent intervals.If that all sounds dumb it’s because it was.I didn’t trust people or the cosmos. I knew the fingerprints were somewhere, I just had to find them. Keep dusting, keep analyzing. Always teetering on the brink of crazy.Where is the evidence?When I didn’t find any, it didn’t matter. I knew something was there somewhere. I just had to keep looking. Patiently waiting for some unspoken testimony because sooner or later I’d get a confirmation, a conviction, and then all my doubts and nightmares would come true.And then if I did get absolute confirmation that there was indeed absolutely nothing going on, I couldn’t even relax with the sound judgement that everything was good. I was too battle-exhausted from my search. I was too shaken by the possibility that it could happen, that I could find something.I needed to stop looking for proof. Do you know what happened when I did look? I made the very people who loved me crazy. I pushed them away until they left.I’m divorced twice. It’s a real thing that we bring what we most fear into our lives by being absurdly afraid of it.Looking at my case files it's pretty clear now that it was never about the other person or what they were doing. It was about me and my insecurities. I needed to “quit” all the scrutiny if I wanted to have a healthy, peaceful connection with another person.With Sara, I still keep a close eye on things but in this very moment I look for proof why things *will* work. Reverse the numbers and flip the math. Cherish the very reasons why love wins. Embrace what flows freely when I be my best self.And then all my hopes and dreams come true.#lettherebehope #relationships #diariespodcasttism· Sep 21, 2018 at 11:43 amThat is a very hard thing to do. Congrats to you sir. :-) $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;tcr!· Sep 21, 2018 at 12:05 pmYep. Dealing with my insecurities was the hard part for me. After that then the search for clues wasn’t important. 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;jimi hindrance experience· Sep 21, 2018 at 12:16 pmYou deserve this. Unreasonable Happiness is your birthright. Claim it. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;jimi hindrance experience· Sep 21, 2018 at 12:17 pmWho’s the critter in the frame? $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;tcr!· Sep 21, 2018 at 1:06 pmI believe it to be a praying mantis but usually I don’t know what I’m talking about. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;sprout· Sep 21, 2018 at 1:55 pmThis rings very true for me, as it most likely does for many. Especially those of us who come from a world of using and abusing, there is often more hurt, abuse, betrayal than not. But growing older and learning to trust your partner… that’s actually a way of trusting yourself. And that has been the hardest part for me. Thank you for sharing this, Travis. It gives me some things to reflect upon and appreciate today. $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;tcr!· Sep 21, 2018 at 2:44 pm> there is often more hurt, abuse, betrayal than notFor sure. There’s a reason why we are the way we are. I also believe that you can trust yoruself. There’s nothing but good inside you. 😊 $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;Add a comment! View original

Stop looking for proof

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Content published: Apr 17, 2018 at 7:26 pm CDT· podcast published: Mar 8, 2019 at 8:58 am CDTI haven’t been writing as much because I’ve been struggling with my nicotine addiction. All sorts of things happen and don’t happen when I try to quit.Sometimes I’ll spout off something about quitting on social media or whatever but lately I’ve just been keeping my struggles to myself. Because unless somebody was a daily smoker for over 30 years, they don’t really get it. I know people are trying to help but move along. Sometimes we just need to vent.And then vaping made my addiction even worse because I could do it anywhere at anytime. I would vape at Maggie’s school during her recitals and in team meetings at work, too. I would use my vapor in the dentist’s restroom before I went in to see them.When I go into withdrawal my ears will ring. Ring to the point that I can hear them in the next room. My head will start to hurt. Like I have a vice slowly squeezing my temples. It’s not a sharp pain but dull and warm and oh so intense. And when it’s really bad I’ll start to get lightheaded. Like I’m going to fall over. Detox always makes my stomach bloated and gurgly regardless of which drug it is. My intestines will fill with witches brew and putrid toxins.I’ve not been sleeping that great at night which makes it hard for me to concentrate throughout the day. Concentrate on writing or whatever. And then because I’m tired I drink more caffeine. In the early evening when I’m dragging both feet I'll make a couple cups of coffee because I’m missing my old smoking friend. I’ll jump from one drug to another. Trade this addiction for that one. I didn’t realize I was even doing it at first with the coffees because when you’re a drug addict the addiction is sneaky and silent.I've quit smoking probably 20 times and generally end up smoking again because the physical pain gets to be too much. And I know that if I smoke or vape or whatever all that pain goes away.And then I stopped this morning and bought a pack cigarettes because the hellfire withdrawal had been kicking my ass for the better part of two days. I’ll do that every now and then, buy a pack, smoke one or two and then throw the unsmoked away.I never tell anyone when I buy a pack of cigarettes because everybody is always disappointed. Because I’m the poster child for success or something....It was snowing this morning. In the middle of April. And as I was standing outside the gas station smoking, a guy came up to me and asked for a cigarette. He had to be at least 20 years younger and wasn't wearing a winter coat. He was missing half of his index and middle fingers on one hand. He had a plastic grocery sack full of things he hadn’t bought recently.He seemed reluctant to ask me for a smoke but he still did because nicotine is a powerful bitch. I gave him three cigarettes and he was more than grateful. I could see the look of relief on his face. I treated him with dignity and respect because all people deserve that no matter where they are in life. No matter what really.He reminded me of my 19 year old self when I lived in Cedar Rapids with one of my brothers. No job, no money, and desperately needing something to fill my soul. Standing in the morning snowfall regardless of the cold, feeding my addictions however I could.Somehow I made it out of that era with all my fingers and toes attached. But I easily couldn't have. Somehow I made it out of that life alive and now have my own house, a career, beautiful daughters, a gorgeous girlfriend, and all that.Somehow I made it over the hump and to the place where I have a choice in life.Driving away I wish I would’ve given him the whole pack. I wanted to tell him that he could make it out, too. Make it out of whatever place he was in. That life is bigger than where your next cigarette comes from.But I didn’t think about any of that until I was driving away. Plus, I’m suspicious by default.Anyways, never underestimate the impact you have on people, especially strangers.#confessional #smokersunite #diariespodcast support the show →Add a comment! View original

Like I'm going to fall over

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Content published: Mar 7, 2019 at 7:00 pm CDT· podcast published: Mar 8, 2019 at 7:52 am CDTI've been writing and recording music for close to 30 years. This is the latest track. You should listen to it with headphones.The words below are various thoughts I've had and one-liners I've collected over the last year. They seem to go hand in hand with the audio. We can't be a fruity butterfly all the time.Intolerant. Not verbally just mentally.Disenfranchised. Disenchanted. Disillusioned.All fabulous words.Inadequate to my own hopes.Approval makes us do things we wish we wouldn’t have done.There’s no punchline. It’s all set up and no delivery. Just like my life. Everything is terrible.If you don’t confront your feelings they will confront you.—Leonard SnartDon't take yourself too seriously.Here's the big secret: nobody's happy.#diariespodcast #diariesvideo #allislostAdd a comment! View original

Confront your feelings

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The notion that I can quit

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Content published: Sep 19, 2018 at 12:24 pm CDT· podcast published: Feb 26, 2019 at 11:05 am CDTnarcissistic | ˌnärsəˈsistikadj. having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself and one's physical appearanceEverybody knows the definition but I don’t think one really knows until experiencing daily life. With one. Up close. For years.They can be tricky because we want them to like us. We crave their approval yet they seldom offer any. And then if they hug us we can breathe again. They’re malicious and berating yet adorable and charming.Walking in a sea of flowers with landmines buried underneath. Be even more wary when the vain are parading around town in a love bus.#relationships #diariespodcastMomma J· Sep 19, 2018 at 1:28 pmVery true! $m.wand.ajax_click=true;$m.wand.lightswitch=true;Add a comment! View original

Is he bonafide? I have my suspicions.

2019-02-26--:--:--