Discovertcr! diaries - podcast
tcr! diaries - podcast

tcr! diaries - podcast

Author: tcr!

Subscribed: 8Played: 47
Share

Description

The ebbs and flows of this alcoholic. It's all true. Sometimes I'm serious. Sometimes I'm not. The episodes tend to be short.
171聽Episodes
Reverse
Not even the here and now

Not even the here and now

2019-06-21--:--:--

Content published: Mar 3, 2017 at 12:30 pm CDT路 podcast published: Jun 21, 2019 at 10:30 am CDTTime goes by and we move on and people come in and out of our lives and then we try hard to remember them when everything's quiet but the memories fade and we're only left with glimpses and fractures of what was and reminders that nothing is ever permanent, not even the here and now.Also: be somebody's hero today. 馃槈#timeisirrelevant #diariespodcastAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Mar 23, 2017 at 8:17 am CDT路 podcast published: May 25, 2019 at 12:30 pm CDTI have back and forth feelings of whether alcoholism is an actual disease like hepatitis or something. I guess at the end of the day it doesn't matter to me, doesn't change that my soul was sick. Emotionally distraught to the point it was affecting everything from my sleeping to my shitting to my relationships with Maggie and my cats. You that know me personally know my story.Did you ever see Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield? It's from the mid 80s, light hearted, goofy, classic Dangerfield.There's a scene where he's arguing with his professor about selling widgets. Dangerfield gets hung up on what exactly a widget is and the professor exasperated finally says...It's a fictional product, it doesn't matter.That's a powerful train of thought for me. Sometimes I can get hung up on wanting to debate a topic and often it's because I'm wanting to deflect looking at my own issues. I resist so I don't need to peer inward.When I'm deflecting I need to remember to self-critique. Maybe there's something I'm avoiding. And if so, the debate "doesn't matter."It's weird how I remember these lines from movies and they graft themselves into, make up part of my spiritual being. 馃槈Anyways. Is alcoholism a true medical disease? I don't care. What I do care about, what does matter is that I can't drink responsibly. I drink irresponsibly to the point of excess. I get frantic when I don't drink. It becomes the only thing I care about. Above all else. That's what does matter.Also, as a last thing. I do think it's a proper medical illness. The way alcoholics are utterly consumed by the cravings and will drink to literal death, well that's just not a lack of willpower.#alcoholism #healthnews #protip #diariespodcastzumpknows路 Mar 23, 2017 at 9:44 amThis may have been a stumbling block for me when I was trying to bargain with alcohol, but there was no doubt that it was an addiction. Maybe it was a selective addiction, but it was my addiction to battle. And the battle became easier once I surrendered. coolcrosby路 Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pmI agree that alcoholism is a disease; moreover, and more importantly all the overwhelming scientific and medical consensus is that alcoholism is a disease. SOmuch2learn路 Mar 23, 2017 at 3:47 pmI agree that alcoholism is a disease. It helped me understand and accept my alcoholism after I read Under the Influence by Ketcham and Milam. gafflebitters路 Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pmThanks for this post, I agree with you and I have similar movie experiences. LokiGrue路 Mar 23, 2017 at 3:54 pmAs the long suffering spouse of an Alcoholic, I am sick of the 鈥淚t鈥檚 a disease鈥 mantra鈥攊t鈥檚 an excuse to not make the fucking choice to stop fucking drinking.It鈥檚 a 鈥淒isease鈥 so it can get an ICD-10 Code, and people can get Insurance paying for treatment. Follow the fucking money.I鈥檓 sorry. She鈥檚 relapsing and I am tired of the excuses. LokiGrue路 Mar 23, 2017 at 12:28 pmThe 鈥渄isease鈥 is just an excuse, not a reason. Are you getting help for yourself by going to Alanon?I don鈥檛 do 鈥淗igher Powers.鈥 SOmuch2learn路 Mar 23, 2017 at 4:40 pmI don鈥檛 do 鈥済od鈥 either. I鈥檓 an atheist but found both AA and Alanon very helpful. I just let the stuff that doesn鈥檛 apply to me slide off鈥擨 wear a teflon shield.I am very sorry about your wife. Alcoholism is heartbreaking. I would have gone crazy without the support I gained from Alanon. Anonymous路 Mar 23, 2017 at 5:43 pmI am sorry your wife is relapsing. Do you really, really feel that she is 鈥榗hosing鈥 to drink over you/your family?It may help to understand what is going on in her brain鈥. what makes her different鈥. why she struggles to not relapse鈥.This short 3 minute video should give you a little more insight, and (I very much hope!) something to understand and then work together to get help with.http://lundbeck.com/global/brain-disorders/disease-areas/other-diseases/alcohol-dependenceIt is not her fault that she has developed this condition, but it IS her choice to find something that helps her to move forwards. LokiGrue路 Mar 23, 2017 at 6:02 pmI鈥檓 sick of this shit. Thankfully we鈥檝e no children. She knows that I鈥檝e drawn a line in the sand: She has two choices: Continue to drink and be served with Divorce papers, or not drink and we will stay married.She keeps whining 鈥渋t鈥檚 not that simple!鈥 Yes, it is actually. It may not be easy, but it is simple. And I have had enough. Another drink=Divorce. tcr!路 Mar 23, 2017 at 6:11 pmYa, I don鈥檛 blame you. Living with an alcoholic gets old real quick. And then nothing ever changes no matter how much we plead and beg and threaten. Just take care you and let your wife take care of herself. Just my 2 cents. :) Anonymous路 Mar 23, 2017 at 6:22 pmYour decision to make of course, but I think sadly鈥. at some point, whether in the near or distant future鈥 you will be serving those divorce papers. Without help, it is extremely unlikely that she will be able to refrain from drinking for any meaningful length of time.All the medical evidence demonstrates that her brain has been altered by repeated alcohol use. The pathway in her brain that associates alcohol = reward is stronger than all the others.Whilst you may chose not to believe it, and to maintain that she has a choice in the matter, that doesn鈥檛 make it any less true. You are correct, it is not easy. But she is also correct, it isn鈥檛 that simple.Once someone has become alcohol dependent, it is NOT a choice any longer. stankost路 Mar 25, 2017 at 6:11 pmI think you have a valid point, it was a 鈥減ersonality disorder鈥 few years ago,now it is a 鈥渄isease鈥, but ICD had qualified 鈥渉omosexuality鈥 as mental illness in the past, but today you will be crucified for such statement, so I am also not convinced that alcoholism is a disease (it can lead to a bunch of medical problems of course). However, it is not easy for an alcoholic 鈥渏ust not to drink鈥. Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CDT路 podcast published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CDTAfter all my moaning my 2018 diaries book is now ready to be put in your shopping carts. If you have an unfulfilled diaries magazine subscription don鈥檛 buy the book. Your paperback will be in the mail soon.The ones available here on the site are autographed, too. Paperback and Kindle editions are available on Amazon, non-autographed of course.You should buy my book. And then tell your friends about it. And share it on social media, as you do. And then leave an Amazon review. I know that鈥檚 asking a lot but it would mean the world to me and I鈥檇 be eternally grateful. 馃挋 Sharing and reviews really do help.It鈥檇 be really cool if I could just do my writing (both spiritual and ridiculous) and earn a living doing such. As it is now, I do both when I have time. I hate making room for those things that are truly important. I just want to do those things that absolutely make truly my heart sing all the fucking time.I have at least 15 pieces that I鈥檝e started writing but haven鈥檛 had the chance to finish. I have to feel what I鈥檓 writing or else the words come across like a piece of shit. And the writing zone isn鈥檛 something I can just turn on when I have 15 minutes to spare.And then I have at least 50 podcast episodes I could record but again, I have to be in the mood. Otherwise the words come out of my mouth like I鈥檓 an uncaring automaton.Anyways, I鈥檒l quit bemoaning. Go buy my book. 馃槉Peace out, death to dogmas.#diariesbook #diariespodcast #forsale Get the diaries for 2018 booktcr!路 Apr 29, 2019 at 2:37 pmPS- The cover only went through four progressions. Sara vetoed the first cover straight away鈥 馃槉 Hater McGhray路 Apr 29, 2019 at 2:54 pmSara was right. tcr!路 Apr 29, 2019 at 6:51 pmAbsolutely right. She usually is 馃槉 JJania路 Apr 29, 2019 at 2:56 pmI鈥檒l be getting my paperback Wednesday. tcr!路 Apr 29, 2019 at 5:21 pmYay! Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
If I'm feeling the same way

If I'm feeling the same way

2019-04-19--:--:--

Content published: Oct 17, 2018 at 7:35 pm CDT路 podcast published: Apr 19, 2019 at 10:00 am CDTIf I鈥檓 feeling the same way a few days later about something I need to make peace with it. Or not.It鈥檚 true that the only thing I have to do with my feelings is feel them but sometimes they linger. They don鈥檛 resolve. And then I have to do something. I need to take action.Often times that action is just accepting whatever happened that caused my unrest to begin with. If the situation involved another person, for example, how would I act around them if it didn鈥檛 happen at all?That鈥檚 how I accept things. It鈥檚 not hard once I decide that I want to move forward in life. Regardless of where my feelings are at.Acting differently than how I feel isn鈥檛 denying my feelings or pretending whatever didn鈥檛 happened. It鈥檚 me deciding that I鈥檓 done with all that and am going to move on even if my heart is telling me something else.It鈥檚 not usual when the only closure I get is accepting that I won鈥檛 get resolution. That鈥檚 a realization I get to in my head because feelings can be icky and sticky.Like watching somebody leave when I want them to stay. I give them a hug and a kiss on the cheek, watch them get into the car and drive down the street. My heart twists as the taillights drive away. The physical bond between us stretches and dissolves as the car gets smaller.To the left. Around a bend. Disappear. Gone is gone.I turn and hobble up the sidewalk, the fallen leaves are too coincidental. The chilly air a nuisance, the gray sky unwanted.Inside the tears drip down like droplets over the outside of a boiling pot. Steam on the lid and mist in my eyes making it too hard to see what鈥檚 inside. Everything鈥檚 overflowing. Everything鈥檚 too much.The house isn鈥檛 empty but I鈥檇 rather be by myself. Alone I turn off the stove and the pot and the water start to cool. Just a minute ago the somebody was there and now I only have a fading memory.Okay stop. Enough with the melodrama.There was never a stove. Nor a boiling pot.Feelings are beautiful, magical things and experiencing them makes us whole human beings. They鈥檙e the yin to the intellect鈥檚 yan.But they don鈥檛 run the show and allowing them to will only end up making life miserable.#advancedsoul #diariespodcastRichard路 Oct 19, 2018 at 5:18 amNice.Got it. Thanks. marney0160路 Oct 20, 2018 at 9:04 amNice! Thanks for the reminder鈥 Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Oct 14, 2018 at 10:09 am CDT路 podcast published: Apr 18, 2019 at 7:30 am CDTSometimes I鈥檒l got out on a culinary limb. A daring yet delectable escapade, laying out loads of cash for adventurous taste combinations that send the conservatives repulsed to the bakeries of safety.For example, in this year of 2018, this month of October, I dropped Candy Apple frosting from Pillsbury into my basket, impromptu style while in the aisles of Blue Goose. A one-handed yet non-acrobatic feat that impressed shoppers clear yonder to the western deli department.Basket maneuvers aside, be aware impulsive and intrigued icing shoppers, concede to my financial frosting fiasco. This cake topping may look moist and delicious on the box but the taste and texture is more akin to sweet, fluffy lipstick.There may be a market for apple red lipstick for the baked cakes but I'm not included in it.One might ask how I know what lipstick tastes like. That would be a very good question to ask.馃嵃馃拕馃 #photos #allislost #diariespodcastMomma J路 Oct 14, 2018 at 11:23 pmIt looks nasty! tcr!路 Oct 15, 2018 at 10:12 amI thought it looked delicious! Like a thick, fire engine red pillowy pudding. Kelly K路 Oct 15, 2018 at 6:26 amFantastic review! Wish I had been there to see the basket drop. tcr!路 Oct 15, 2018 at 10:14 amUsually I鈥檓 in Blue Goose once a week. Perhaps our grocery paths will cross one day. Kelly K路 Oct 15, 2018 at 5:18 pmI can only hope! Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Let the ideas go

Let the ideas go

2019-04-14--:--:--

Content published: Oct 11, 2018 at 11:27 am CDT路 podcast published: Apr 14, 2019 at 6:10 pm CDTI have ideas all the time, things I wanna do around the house or to my truck, or books I wanna write or pictures I wanna take. If it鈥檚 a really good idea I鈥檒l get excited about it. If I鈥檓 really excited with my idea, I鈥檒l actually do it. If I have other things going on, I鈥檒l adjust my schedule to turn my idea into a real thing.If I can鈥檛 budge my schedule because I have other priorities, then I forget about my idea. I don鈥檛 write it down. I鈥檒l just let it die in my head. Because if my idea is really good I鈥檒l have the same idea again. If my idea wasn鈥檛 that good, it probably deserves to fade away.When my ideas die, I don鈥檛 feed bad or feel like I鈥檓 not enough. I don鈥檛 get discouraged because I don鈥檛 have the time or whatever. I just let the ideas go. I can鈥檛 do everything I ever wanted and that鈥檚 okay.And that one idea, if I didn鈥檛 have enough passion or drive to make it happen, isn鈥檛 going to change the world anyway. It鈥檚 not gonna make me a whole person nor is it gonna be a silver bullet to end world hunger or a golden chalice to bring about world peace.I may have read the gist of all of this somewhere else. I can鈥檛 remember. But letting ideas go is an idea I had (mine or not) that's worth sharing.#protip #diariespodcastjimi hindrance experience路 Oct 11, 2018 at 4:30 pmSnoopy is a catch-all for me because he鈥檚 so cool. And this image in particular, he鈥檚 just Joe Cool. Shit eating grin and zero given. That鈥檚 鈥渨hy Snoopy?鈥 Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
FMN.mp3

FMN.mp3

2019-04-06--:--:--

Content published: Apr 6, 2019 at 1:20 pm CDT路 podcast published: Apr 6, 2019 at 1:20 pm CDTPlease enjoy a song I recorded sometime in the late 90s, maybe 1998. Of course I wrote all the lyrics and music and played all the instruments. Because that's what you do when you're me.The additional vocals/voices are messages left on my home answering machine. When those were a thing.You are not a slave.You are not a fucking slave.2486 5017-6 18509 55To accept the charges press 1 now.The more I am made to feel leashed and shaved,the less I am enticed by the dull warmth.Radiating your cage, butterflying lice.Radiation your face, acne price.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.You might scare people with that message.It was a good 鈥榰n. Wouldn鈥檛 scare no body.The more I am tricked by grandpa thoughts and fleshed bricks,the less I am willing to forgive the scars.Wound to lick, skinned up bars,human ticks, candy jars,control fix, dysfunction par.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.You are not a slave.K, you鈥檙e aren鈥檛 very commercial but that鈥檚 okay.Fuck commercialization.Fuck the diabolic clown cauldron, alright.You are not a slave.You might scare people with that message.But you are not fucking a slave.It was a good 鈥榰n. Wouldn鈥檛 scare no body.To accept the charges press 1 now.So does your whore.The more I am molded with foil and Christmas coal,the less I am ready for hot pocket guilt.Redundant scolds, nasal silk,50s hold, pinball tilt,coward bold, razor built,heart of mold, blood of milk.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.But you are not fucking a slave.Alias: grahm sextonTitle: FMN#tcrmusic #diariespodcastAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Oct 10, 2018 at 12:30 pm CDT路 podcast published: Apr 5, 2019 at 3:15 pm CDTYears ago I used to work with this client, aliased Jack, who would continually get on my nerves. He wasn鈥檛 a bad guy but every now and then he would email[1] me a question, looking for an answer to something we鈥檇 been over and over again.I would read his email and think, 鈥淲hy the fuck are you asking me this? We鈥檝e already talked about it. More than once. I got better shit to do than repeat myself. For the third time.鈥滻 saw the email conversations as nothing but ridiculous.No, the world鈥檚 not gonna blow up if you click that button. If it could blow up, my annoying little friend, you wouldn鈥檛 be able to see the button, let alone click the fucking button.Obviously customer service doesn鈥檛 run in my blood. I like talking with my friends and family but I鈥檓 not a big fan of talking to people when I 鈥渉ave to.鈥 By and large there鈥檚 little interest in me to hand out warm fuzzies to the clients. I like to write code at work, not give hugs.So back to Jack.I was thinking about him this morning because thoughts come and go, as they do. He was a nervous, jittery guy. Anxious pretty much every time I spoke with him. He would often get five steps ahead of me when we were reviewing his projects and I鈥檇 be like, 鈥渄ude, slow down.鈥 I would actually call him 鈥渄ude鈥 which is my polite way of saying 鈥測ou moron.鈥滲ut time equals clarity and so I tend to think with those calls and emails what he was after was reassurance. He was looking to be comforted in someway if you will. Don鈥檛 make that weird because it鈥檚 not. But maybe he was homosexual, I don鈥檛 know.[2]I doubt if him wanting a professional 鈥渉ug鈥 was a front-burner thought. It鈥檚 not unusual for people to create little messes in their mind, get themselves all worked up and bent out of shape, and then lean on somebody they trust. Someone who鈥檒l tell them it鈥檚 okay, that everything鈥檚 fine. Someone who'll offer solutions to their problems.And then life can be right for a moment.I don鈥檛 know for sure that鈥檚 what was up with Jack but it鈥檚 what I鈥檓 inclined to think.Being in touch with what other people are feeling or needing is not something that comes naturally to me. I鈥檓 a man, not an empath. I have to consciously pay attention to those around me or else I鈥檒l be content in my own imaginary land of Hobbitses and/or Synthetics.That will sometimes get me in trouble, too.Here's a quote by David F. Swink:Having poor empathy skills can lead to serious consequences. It can lead to conflict born of misunderstanding. Without it we can feel lonely within a relationship. Lack of empathy can cause companies to make catastrophic blunders that alienate their customers or employees and it can even incite violence.[3]Hopefully I鈥檝e never incited violence. I do have the occasion thought of hitting someone on the head with a hammer though.[4]Thinking about Jack in the here and now it鈥檚 easier to see where his antics were coming from, hindsight being 20/20 and all that. There鈥檚 nothing I can do about that relationship now but I can maybe carry a little extra empathy into my present day interactions with Jill, aliased of course.Last paragraph: sometimes we make amends to someone by being a little bit nicer to the next guy.He stopped calling me once he figured out I always sent him to voicemail. 鈫慖 was being silly just then. 鈫慡ource: I Don't Feel Your Pain: Overcoming Roadblocks to Empathy. 鈫慉gain, I was being silly. 鈫#advancedsoul #relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Jul 18, 2017 at 7:47 am CDT路 podcast published: Apr 3, 2019 at 8:55 pm CDTOne time she asked me in a hostile voice: what did you expect was going to happen?It was rhetorical and stunning like a conversational taser. I had no counter, no retort.My behaviors and their followup consequences weren鈥檛 relevant when we started talking. Emotionally blinded and tunneling with rage on the pain she鈥檇 dealt me and not the pain I'd dealt her. Hers was the most recent and according to my Truxion Manual the last person to hurt somebody is what you talk about.Sitting where I am now years later I don't blame her. For a good many things. Looking back I now expect her to act just like she did.#relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
I don't deserve nice things

I don't deserve nice things

2019-03-27--:--:--

Content published: Oct 9, 2018 at 9:52 am CDT路 podcast published: Mar 26, 2019 at 8:50 pm CDTSome time over the weekend I had a dream that it was Wednesday after work and the robot vacuum hadn't done his scheduled cleaning. And then I was crushed and frustrated, defeated and agitated, almost to the brink of tears.Another substantiated claim that I don't deserve nice things.It was worse when I was drinking, that train of thought. I鈥檇 like to say it surprises me that I still have that thought but it doesn鈥檛.Really though it鈥檚 not about deserving as much as 鈥渃an鈥檛 have nice things.鈥 Because I鈥檒l put myself in impossible situations. Where I鈥檒l never win.It鈥檚 a dysfunctional pattern carried from when I was a teenager or something. Which leads into the struggles of a life inherited. From a previous life. More realistically it鈥檚 probably from my genetics. Family of origin stuff, a television spin off.Desperately pleading that things would get better. But they won鈥檛. They can鈥檛. I stay in those situations because I鈥檝e dug a hole. It鈥檚 pretty much impossible to get out. I don鈥檛 know how to do anything else.And we don鈥檛 find nice things in holes. They don鈥檛 have them.After spending over a decade in a hole it becomes familiar and comfortable. I can distract myself with my imagination, satisfy myself with make-believe. I can put a nice rug here and maybe a lamp over there.Sometimes I strive and strain to climb out. But it just doesn鈥檛 work. And then I give up. Yet again. It鈥檚 easier just to give up, accept that everything鈥檚 terrible. Because this is just how it鈥檚 going to be.Obviously I don鈥檛 feel spiritual every day. And then I flounder around for a day or two. Maybe a week. Read a spiritual book. Go to a meeting. Hear something that puts me back on track. Points me again in the right direction.How I feel is not who I am.God鈥檚 got a bigger plan. Maybe I鈥檓 not supposed to have nice things right now.Keep the faith, peeps. Let go absolutely.#allislost #advancedsoul #diariespodcast #nicethingsAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
loading
Comments
loading
Download from Google Play
Download from App Store