Discovertcr! diaries - podcast
tcr! diaries - podcast

tcr! diaries - podcast

Author: tcr!

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The ebbs and flows of this alcoholic. It's all true. Sometimes I'm serious. Sometimes I'm not. The episodes tend to be short.
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Not even the here and now

Not even the here and now

2019-06-21--:--:--

Content published: Mar 3, 2017 at 12:30 pm CDT路 podcast published: Jun 21, 2019 at 10:30 am CDTTime goes by and we move on and people come in and out of our lives and then we try hard to remember them when everything's quiet but the memories fade and we're only left with glimpses and fractures of what was and reminders that nothing is ever permanent, not even the here and now.Also: be somebody's hero today. 馃槈#timeisirrelevant #diariespodcastAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Mar 23, 2017 at 8:17 am CDT路 podcast published: May 25, 2019 at 12:30 pm CDTI have back and forth feelings of whether alcoholism is an actual disease like hepatitis or something. I guess at the end of the day it doesn't matter to me, doesn't change that my soul was sick. Emotionally distraught to the point it was affecting everything from my sleeping to my shitting to my relationships with Maggie and my cats. You that know me personally know my story.Did you ever see Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield? It's from the mid 80s, light hearted, goofy, classic Dangerfield.There's a scene where he's arguing with his professor about selling widgets. Dangerfield gets hung up on what exactly a widget is and the professor exasperated finally says...It's a fictional product, it doesn't matter.That's a powerful train of thought for me. Sometimes I can get hung up on wanting to debate a topic and often it's because I'm wanting to deflect looking at my own issues. I resist so I don't need to peer inward.When I'm deflecting I need to remember to self-critique. Maybe there's something I'm avoiding. And if so, the debate "doesn't matter."It's weird how I remember these lines from movies and they graft themselves into, make up part of my spiritual being. 馃槈Anyways. Is alcoholism a true medical disease? I don't care. What I do care about, what does matter is that I can't drink responsibly. I drink irresponsibly to the point of excess. I get frantic when I don't drink. It becomes the only thing I care about. Above all else. That's what does matter.Also, as a last thing. I do think it's a proper medical illness. The way alcoholics are utterly consumed by the cravings and will drink to literal death, well that's just not a lack of willpower.#alcoholism #healthnews #protip #diariespodcastzumpknows路 Mar 23, 2017 at 9:44 amThis may have been a stumbling block for me when I was trying to bargain with alcohol, but there was no doubt that it was an addiction. Maybe it was a selective addiction, but it was my addiction to battle. And the battle became easier once I surrendered. coolcrosby路 Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pmI agree that alcoholism is a disease; moreover, and more importantly all the overwhelming scientific and medical consensus is that alcoholism is a disease. SOmuch2learn路 Mar 23, 2017 at 3:47 pmI agree that alcoholism is a disease. It helped me understand and accept my alcoholism after I read Under the Influence by Ketcham and Milam. gafflebitters路 Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pmThanks for this post, I agree with you and I have similar movie experiences. LokiGrue路 Mar 23, 2017 at 3:54 pmAs the long suffering spouse of an Alcoholic, I am sick of the 鈥淚t鈥檚 a disease鈥 mantra鈥攊t鈥檚 an excuse to not make the fucking choice to stop fucking drinking.It鈥檚 a 鈥淒isease鈥 so it can get an ICD-10 Code, and people can get Insurance paying for treatment. Follow the fucking money.I鈥檓 sorry. She鈥檚 relapsing and I am tired of the excuses. LokiGrue路 Mar 23, 2017 at 12:28 pmThe 鈥渄isease鈥 is just an excuse, not a reason. Are you getting help for yourself by going to Alanon?I don鈥檛 do 鈥淗igher Powers.鈥 SOmuch2learn路 Mar 23, 2017 at 4:40 pmI don鈥檛 do 鈥済od鈥 either. I鈥檓 an atheist but found both AA and Alanon very helpful. I just let the stuff that doesn鈥檛 apply to me slide off鈥擨 wear a teflon shield.I am very sorry about your wife. Alcoholism is heartbreaking. I would have gone crazy without the support I gained from Alanon. Anonymous路 Mar 23, 2017 at 5:43 pmI am sorry your wife is relapsing. Do you really, really feel that she is 鈥榗hosing鈥 to drink over you/your family?It may help to understand what is going on in her brain鈥. what makes her different鈥. why she struggles to not relapse鈥.This short 3 minute video should give you a little more insight, and (I very much hope!) something to understand and then work together to get help with.http://lundbeck.com/global/brain-disorders/disease-areas/other-diseases/alcohol-dependenceIt is not her fault that she has developed this condition, but it IS her choice to find something that helps her to move forwards. LokiGrue路 Mar 23, 2017 at 6:02 pmI鈥檓 sick of this shit. Thankfully we鈥檝e no children. She knows that I鈥檝e drawn a line in the sand: She has two choices: Continue to drink and be served with Divorce papers, or not drink and we will stay married.She keeps whining 鈥渋t鈥檚 not that simple!鈥 Yes, it is actually. It may not be easy, but it is simple. And I have had enough. Another drink=Divorce. tcr!路 Mar 23, 2017 at 6:11 pmYa, I don鈥檛 blame you. Living with an alcoholic gets old real quick. And then nothing ever changes no matter how much we plead and beg and threaten. Just take care you and let your wife take care of herself. Just my 2 cents. :) Anonymous路 Mar 23, 2017 at 6:22 pmYour decision to make of course, but I think sadly鈥. at some point, whether in the near or distant future鈥 you will be serving those divorce papers. Without help, it is extremely unlikely that she will be able to refrain from drinking for any meaningful length of time.All the medical evidence demonstrates that her brain has been altered by repeated alcohol use. The pathway in her brain that associates alcohol = reward is stronger than all the others.Whilst you may chose not to believe it, and to maintain that she has a choice in the matter, that doesn鈥檛 make it any less true. You are correct, it is not easy. But she is also correct, it isn鈥檛 that simple.Once someone has become alcohol dependent, it is NOT a choice any longer. stankost路 Mar 25, 2017 at 6:11 pmI think you have a valid point, it was a 鈥減ersonality disorder鈥 few years ago,now it is a 鈥渄isease鈥, but ICD had qualified 鈥渉omosexuality鈥 as mental illness in the past, but today you will be crucified for such statement, so I am also not convinced that alcoholism is a disease (it can lead to a bunch of medical problems of course). However, it is not easy for an alcoholic 鈥渏ust not to drink鈥. Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CDT路 podcast published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CDTAfter all my moaning my 2018 diaries book is now ready to be put in your shopping carts. If you have an unfulfilled diaries magazine subscription don鈥檛 buy the book. Your paperback will be in the mail soon.The ones available here on the site are autographed, too. Paperback and Kindle editions are available on Amazon, non-autographed of course.You should buy my book. And then tell your friends about it. And share it on social media, as you do. And then leave an Amazon review. I know that鈥檚 asking a lot but it would mean the world to me and I鈥檇 be eternally grateful. 馃挋 Sharing and reviews really do help.It鈥檇 be really cool if I could just do my writing (both spiritual and ridiculous) and earn a living doing such. As it is now, I do both when I have time. I hate making room for those things that are truly important. I just want to do those things that absolutely make truly my heart sing all the fucking time.I have at least 15 pieces that I鈥檝e started writing but haven鈥檛 had the chance to finish. I have to feel what I鈥檓 writing or else the words come across like a piece of shit. And the writing zone isn鈥檛 something I can just turn on when I have 15 minutes to spare.And then I have at least 50 podcast episodes I could record but again, I have to be in the mood. Otherwise the words come out of my mouth like I鈥檓 an uncaring automaton.Anyways, I鈥檒l quit bemoaning. Go buy my book. 馃槉Peace out, death to dogmas.#diariesbook #diariespodcast #forsale Get the diaries for 2018 booktcr!路 Apr 29, 2019 at 2:37 pmPS- The cover only went through four progressions. Sara vetoed the first cover straight away鈥 馃槉 Hater McGhray路 Apr 29, 2019 at 2:54 pmSara was right. tcr!路 Apr 29, 2019 at 6:51 pmAbsolutely right. She usually is 馃槉 JJania路 Apr 29, 2019 at 2:56 pmI鈥檒l be getting my paperback Wednesday. tcr!路 Apr 29, 2019 at 5:21 pmYay! Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
If I'm feeling the same way

If I'm feeling the same way

2019-04-19--:--:--

Content published: Oct 17, 2018 at 7:35 pm CDT路 podcast published: Apr 19, 2019 at 10:00 am CDTIf I鈥檓 feeling the same way a few days later about something I need to make peace with it. Or not.It鈥檚 true that the only thing I have to do with my feelings is feel them but sometimes they linger. They don鈥檛 resolve. And then I have to do something. I need to take action.Often times that action is just accepting whatever happened that caused my unrest to begin with. If the situation involved another person, for example, how would I act around them if it didn鈥檛 happen at all?That鈥檚 how I accept things. It鈥檚 not hard once I decide that I want to move forward in life. Regardless of where my feelings are at.Acting differently than how I feel isn鈥檛 denying my feelings or pretending whatever didn鈥檛 happened. It鈥檚 me deciding that I鈥檓 done with all that and am going to move on even if my heart is telling me something else.It鈥檚 not usual when the only closure I get is accepting that I won鈥檛 get resolution. That鈥檚 a realization I get to in my head because feelings can be icky and sticky.Like watching somebody leave when I want them to stay. I give them a hug and a kiss on the cheek, watch them get into the car and drive down the street. My heart twists as the taillights drive away. The physical bond between us stretches and dissolves as the car gets smaller.To the left. Around a bend. Disappear. Gone is gone.I turn and hobble up the sidewalk, the fallen leaves are too coincidental. The chilly air a nuisance, the gray sky unwanted.Inside the tears drip down like droplets over the outside of a boiling pot. Steam on the lid and mist in my eyes making it too hard to see what鈥檚 inside. Everything鈥檚 overflowing. Everything鈥檚 too much.The house isn鈥檛 empty but I鈥檇 rather be by myself. Alone I turn off the stove and the pot and the water start to cool. Just a minute ago the somebody was there and now I only have a fading memory.Okay stop. Enough with the melodrama.There was never a stove. Nor a boiling pot.Feelings are beautiful, magical things and experiencing them makes us whole human beings. They鈥檙e the yin to the intellect鈥檚 yan.But they don鈥檛 run the show and allowing them to will only end up making life miserable.#advancedsoul #diariespodcastRichard路 Oct 19, 2018 at 5:18 amNice.Got it. Thanks. marney0160路 Oct 20, 2018 at 9:04 amNice! Thanks for the reminder鈥 Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Oct 14, 2018 at 10:09 am CDT路 podcast published: Apr 18, 2019 at 7:30 am CDTSometimes I鈥檒l got out on a culinary limb. A daring yet delectable escapade, laying out loads of cash for adventurous taste combinations that send the conservatives repulsed to the bakeries of safety.For example, in this year of 2018, this month of October, I dropped Candy Apple frosting from Pillsbury into my basket, impromptu style while in the aisles of Blue Goose. A one-handed yet non-acrobatic feat that impressed shoppers clear yonder to the western deli department.Basket maneuvers aside, be aware impulsive and intrigued icing shoppers, concede to my financial frosting fiasco. This cake topping may look moist and delicious on the box but the taste and texture is more akin to sweet, fluffy lipstick.There may be a market for apple red lipstick for the baked cakes but I'm not included in it.One might ask how I know what lipstick tastes like. That would be a very good question to ask.馃嵃馃拕馃 #photos #allislost #diariespodcastMomma J路 Oct 14, 2018 at 11:23 pmIt looks nasty! tcr!路 Oct 15, 2018 at 10:12 amI thought it looked delicious! Like a thick, fire engine red pillowy pudding. Kelly K路 Oct 15, 2018 at 6:26 amFantastic review! Wish I had been there to see the basket drop. tcr!路 Oct 15, 2018 at 10:14 amUsually I鈥檓 in Blue Goose once a week. Perhaps our grocery paths will cross one day. Kelly K路 Oct 15, 2018 at 5:18 pmI can only hope! Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Let the ideas go

Let the ideas go

2019-04-14--:--:--

Content published: Oct 11, 2018 at 11:27 am CDT路 podcast published: Apr 14, 2019 at 6:10 pm CDTI have ideas all the time, things I wanna do around the house or to my truck, or books I wanna write or pictures I wanna take. If it鈥檚 a really good idea I鈥檒l get excited about it. If I鈥檓 really excited with my idea, I鈥檒l actually do it. If I have other things going on, I鈥檒l adjust my schedule to turn my idea into a real thing.If I can鈥檛 budge my schedule because I have other priorities, then I forget about my idea. I don鈥檛 write it down. I鈥檒l just let it die in my head. Because if my idea is really good I鈥檒l have the same idea again. If my idea wasn鈥檛 that good, it probably deserves to fade away.When my ideas die, I don鈥檛 feed bad or feel like I鈥檓 not enough. I don鈥檛 get discouraged because I don鈥檛 have the time or whatever. I just let the ideas go. I can鈥檛 do everything I ever wanted and that鈥檚 okay.And that one idea, if I didn鈥檛 have enough passion or drive to make it happen, isn鈥檛 going to change the world anyway. It鈥檚 not gonna make me a whole person nor is it gonna be a silver bullet to end world hunger or a golden chalice to bring about world peace.I may have read the gist of all of this somewhere else. I can鈥檛 remember. But letting ideas go is an idea I had (mine or not) that's worth sharing.#protip #diariespodcastjimi hindrance experience路 Oct 11, 2018 at 4:30 pmSnoopy is a catch-all for me because he鈥檚 so cool. And this image in particular, he鈥檚 just Joe Cool. Shit eating grin and zero given. That鈥檚 鈥渨hy Snoopy?鈥 Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
FMN.mp3

FMN.mp3

2019-04-06--:--:--

Content published: Apr 6, 2019 at 1:20 pm CDT路 podcast published: Apr 6, 2019 at 1:20 pm CDTPlease enjoy a song I recorded sometime in the late 90s, maybe 1998. Of course I wrote all the lyrics and music and played all the instruments. Because that's what you do when you're me.The additional vocals/voices are messages left on my home answering machine. When those were a thing.You are not a slave.You are not a fucking slave.2486 5017-6 18509 55To accept the charges press 1 now.The more I am made to feel leashed and shaved,the less I am enticed by the dull warmth.Radiating your cage, butterflying lice.Radiation your face, acne price.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.You might scare people with that message.It was a good 鈥榰n. Wouldn鈥檛 scare no body.The more I am tricked by grandpa thoughts and fleshed bricks,the less I am willing to forgive the scars.Wound to lick, skinned up bars,human ticks, candy jars,control fix, dysfunction par.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.You are not a slave.K, you鈥檙e aren鈥檛 very commercial but that鈥檚 okay.Fuck commercialization.Fuck the diabolic clown cauldron, alright.You are not a slave.You might scare people with that message.But you are not fucking a slave.It was a good 鈥榰n. Wouldn鈥檛 scare no body.To accept the charges press 1 now.So does your whore.The more I am molded with foil and Christmas coal,the less I am ready for hot pocket guilt.Redundant scolds, nasal silk,50s hold, pinball tilt,coward bold, razor built,heart of mold, blood of milk.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.But you are not fucking a slave.Alias: grahm sextonTitle: FMN#tcrmusic #diariespodcastAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Oct 10, 2018 at 12:30 pm CDT路 podcast published: Apr 5, 2019 at 3:15 pm CDTYears ago I used to work with this client, aliased Jack, who would continually get on my nerves. He wasn鈥檛 a bad guy but every now and then he would email[1] me a question, looking for an answer to something we鈥檇 been over and over again.I would read his email and think, 鈥淲hy the fuck are you asking me this? We鈥檝e already talked about it. More than once. I got better shit to do than repeat myself. For the third time.鈥滻 saw the email conversations as nothing but ridiculous.No, the world鈥檚 not gonna blow up if you click that button. If it could blow up, my annoying little friend, you wouldn鈥檛 be able to see the button, let alone click the fucking button.Obviously customer service doesn鈥檛 run in my blood. I like talking with my friends and family but I鈥檓 not a big fan of talking to people when I 鈥渉ave to.鈥 By and large there鈥檚 little interest in me to hand out warm fuzzies to the clients. I like to write code at work, not give hugs.So back to Jack.I was thinking about him this morning because thoughts come and go, as they do. He was a nervous, jittery guy. Anxious pretty much every time I spoke with him. He would often get five steps ahead of me when we were reviewing his projects and I鈥檇 be like, 鈥渄ude, slow down.鈥 I would actually call him 鈥渄ude鈥 which is my polite way of saying 鈥測ou moron.鈥滲ut time equals clarity and so I tend to think with those calls and emails what he was after was reassurance. He was looking to be comforted in someway if you will. Don鈥檛 make that weird because it鈥檚 not. But maybe he was homosexual, I don鈥檛 know.[2]I doubt if him wanting a professional 鈥渉ug鈥 was a front-burner thought. It鈥檚 not unusual for people to create little messes in their mind, get themselves all worked up and bent out of shape, and then lean on somebody they trust. Someone who鈥檒l tell them it鈥檚 okay, that everything鈥檚 fine. Someone who'll offer solutions to their problems.And then life can be right for a moment.I don鈥檛 know for sure that鈥檚 what was up with Jack but it鈥檚 what I鈥檓 inclined to think.Being in touch with what other people are feeling or needing is not something that comes naturally to me. I鈥檓 a man, not an empath. I have to consciously pay attention to those around me or else I鈥檒l be content in my own imaginary land of Hobbitses and/or Synthetics.That will sometimes get me in trouble, too.Here's a quote by David F. Swink:Having poor empathy skills can lead to serious consequences. It can lead to conflict born of misunderstanding. Without it we can feel lonely within a relationship. Lack of empathy can cause companies to make catastrophic blunders that alienate their customers or employees and it can even incite violence.[3]Hopefully I鈥檝e never incited violence. I do have the occasion thought of hitting someone on the head with a hammer though.[4]Thinking about Jack in the here and now it鈥檚 easier to see where his antics were coming from, hindsight being 20/20 and all that. There鈥檚 nothing I can do about that relationship now but I can maybe carry a little extra empathy into my present day interactions with Jill, aliased of course.Last paragraph: sometimes we make amends to someone by being a little bit nicer to the next guy.He stopped calling me once he figured out I always sent him to voicemail. 鈫慖 was being silly just then. 鈫慡ource: I Don't Feel Your Pain: Overcoming Roadblocks to Empathy. 鈫慉gain, I was being silly. 鈫#advancedsoul #relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Jul 18, 2017 at 7:47 am CDT路 podcast published: Apr 3, 2019 at 8:55 pm CDTOne time she asked me in a hostile voice: what did you expect was going to happen?It was rhetorical and stunning like a conversational taser. I had no counter, no retort.My behaviors and their followup consequences weren鈥檛 relevant when we started talking. Emotionally blinded and tunneling with rage on the pain she鈥檇 dealt me and not the pain I'd dealt her. Hers was the most recent and according to my Truxion Manual the last person to hurt somebody is what you talk about.Sitting where I am now years later I don't blame her. For a good many things. Looking back I now expect her to act just like she did.#relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
I don't deserve nice things

I don't deserve nice things

2019-03-27--:--:--

Content published: Oct 9, 2018 at 9:52 am CDT路 podcast published: Mar 26, 2019 at 8:50 pm CDTSome time over the weekend I had a dream that it was Wednesday after work and the robot vacuum hadn't done his scheduled cleaning. And then I was crushed and frustrated, defeated and agitated, almost to the brink of tears.Another substantiated claim that I don't deserve nice things.It was worse when I was drinking, that train of thought. I鈥檇 like to say it surprises me that I still have that thought but it doesn鈥檛.Really though it鈥檚 not about deserving as much as 鈥渃an鈥檛 have nice things.鈥 Because I鈥檒l put myself in impossible situations. Where I鈥檒l never win.It鈥檚 a dysfunctional pattern carried from when I was a teenager or something. Which leads into the struggles of a life inherited. From a previous life. More realistically it鈥檚 probably from my genetics. Family of origin stuff, a television spin off.Desperately pleading that things would get better. But they won鈥檛. They can鈥檛. I stay in those situations because I鈥檝e dug a hole. It鈥檚 pretty much impossible to get out. I don鈥檛 know how to do anything else.And we don鈥檛 find nice things in holes. They don鈥檛 have them.After spending over a decade in a hole it becomes familiar and comfortable. I can distract myself with my imagination, satisfy myself with make-believe. I can put a nice rug here and maybe a lamp over there.Sometimes I strive and strain to climb out. But it just doesn鈥檛 work. And then I give up. Yet again. It鈥檚 easier just to give up, accept that everything鈥檚 terrible. Because this is just how it鈥檚 going to be.Obviously I don鈥檛 feel spiritual every day. And then I flounder around for a day or two. Maybe a week. Read a spiritual book. Go to a meeting. Hear something that puts me back on track. Points me again in the right direction.How I feel is not who I am.God鈥檚 got a bigger plan. Maybe I鈥檓 not supposed to have nice things right now.Keep the faith, peeps. Let go absolutely.#allislost #advancedsoul #diariespodcast #nicethingsAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Seven Sledgehammers

Seven Sledgehammers

2019-03-22--:--:--

Content published: Oct 4, 2018 at 11:07 am CDT路 podcast published: Mar 22, 2019 at 10:15 am CDTLying is the absolute worst.鈥淣o, I wasn鈥檛 drinking. What the hell are you talking about?鈥漈elling lies. To another person. Makes them crazy. They start to question their own sanity.Someone has a pretty good idea about something and then we go and sow a row of doubt. It鈥檚 twofold. Not only are we handing them a flat out lie, we鈥檙e also giving them personal conflict. We鈥檙e insisting they stop questioning us and question themselves.Self-doubt is one of the worst things we can serve somebody. It鈥檚 a car wreck for the soul. Twisted metal and broken headlights. Sure, the fender can be bent back but it鈥檒l never be true.It鈥檚 funny that we tell our kids that it鈥檚 not what they did that was so bad, it was that they lied about it. And then we grow up as adults and do the same thing. But on a Rushmore, monumental level.I don鈥檛 know about you guys but if someone lies to me that鈥檚 just it.鈥 wrote the above back in August. And then it just sat there not feeling finished.It鈥檚 all fine and good but it鈥檚 also abstract. The real stories in life aren鈥檛. The car crash here is that I lied to somebody yesterday. A flat out lie as mentioned above. First time I can remember since I stopped drinking.I lied because I don鈥檛 like this person. I don鈥檛 trust them. Being honest gives them ammunition and I don鈥檛 like the thought of loading bullets into an unstable person鈥檚 gun.I am kind of disappointed in myself, though. Lying goes against what I believe, who I want to be. In all situations. In all dilemmas.However, I don鈥檛 feel too bad for lying to this particular person. They lie to me on the bimonthly basis, the latest just this past week. I know they lied because I looked it up. I didn鈥檛 crucify this person for it but I wanted to. I mean really wanted to.I could justify the whole situation with some notion about how spiritual truths need not apply in all situations. Cold wars and nuclear armaments. I won鈥檛 make more of a case than that because I don鈥檛 really have one. Plastic tanks and toy soldiers, peeps.Would I do it again? Tell a flat out lie? Probably not but I don鈥檛 know. Sometimes somebody shines a hot spotlight on us and shit just happens. I don鈥檛 like how I feel about lying for sure. I don鈥檛 like playing the odds that I鈥檒l get caught. Driving fast doesn鈥檛 appeal to me anymore. I don鈥檛 want to smash up, crash up somebody鈥檚 fender.So there鈥檚 my confession. Two Jim Carrolls and a bottle of wine.#confessional #diariespodcastjimi hindrance experience路 Oct 4, 2018 at 12:02 pmI was just thinking about this this morning. When someone asks me something personal, and I don鈥檛 feel like answering, I lie my head off to them about it. I mean I was 鈥渓iterally doing battle with pirates鈥 so how could you dare want to know? Or even if I just think the person is stupid. No, I was using my ultra-light aircraft and just floated above all the traffic. There are other exceptions, starting with if I don鈥檛 like the person. I鈥檒l lie.The best reply to all of these situations though is the blank stare. About 5 years ago when I first started at a job, an idiot wanted to know something. After the silence, she says, 鈥淛im I think if you don鈥檛 want to answer something you just don鈥檛!鈥 Another person was present, and the second person giggled. I enjoyed that giggle. She let me know she gets me and she was on my side. The inquistor was probably too thick to know how obnoxious they were being, so it might have been all for naught but she eventually stopped asking me stuff like that. tcr!路 Oct 4, 2018 at 12:43 pm鈥渁n idiot wanted to know something鈥 鈥 this could be title of many a book. Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Quite possibly hungover

Quite possibly hungover

2019-03-20--:--:--

Content published: Oct 2, 2018 at 7:23 pm CDT路 podcast published: Mar 20, 2019 at 10:30 am CDTThe scene was once again my truck.I was sitting at a stoplight and a minivan pulled up in the lane next to me.The wife appeared to be driving and, who I assume to be the husband, was slumped over in the passenger seat. Quite possibly hungover. Renounced pathetic in his silence and downward, saddened gaze.The engrossing part of this travel tale was that she was scolding him with both hands and all that. Arms flailing. Eyes furious. Teeth gnashing. Murderously chewing his ass upside and down there behind their minivan windows.This would be a day I would not ever forget if I were him. The guy looked defeated as he sat there frumpily slumped. Acceptive of whatever verbal beating his wife was handing down.I don鈥檛 know if he fucked the dog last night or what, but guys, this dude was in trouble. 馃槸#trafficnews #relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Oct 2, 2018 at 4:36 pm CDT路 podcast published: Mar 18, 2019 at 3:00 pm CDTOne time when I was drinking I put a lawn chair in the middle of the yard that runs along the side of my house. My thought was that it鈥檇 be the perfect spot to keep tabs on the neighbors from a slightly covert location.A couple days later when I was sober I remembered the lawn chair and returned it to the back deck. I felt somewhat embarrassed afterward as it was a somewhat embarrassing place to have lawn furniture. Sitting shamefully in the grass along the side of the house.If you ever see a guy sitting in a lawnchair in his side yard, it would be safe to assume he鈥檚 drunk.#alcoholism #homeimprovement #diariespodcastAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Oct 1, 2018 at 1:03 pm CDT路 podcast published: Mar 17, 2019 at 3:50 pm CDTWhen I鈥檓 around you guys it鈥檚 easy to be my best self.I would almost say that it comes naturally. I don鈥檛 even think about it.But there are other times when I鈥檓 around other people when there鈥檚 nothing easy about being a good person. It takes 100% of my concentration. It takes dedicated and duplicated prayers. It takes front-burner, fore-thought action.It takes getting to know and being comfortable with my anger beforehand so it鈥檚 not overwhelming when I鈥檓 around the jerks who live only in their own worlds, who live from only their own point of view.[1]It takes regular and routine reseting so I don鈥檛 get lost in the chaos. It takes pretending to care even when I honestly don鈥檛.Because at the end of the day people are going to hurt us. They鈥檙e going to give us reasons to be angry. The trick is to love them anyway. At all costs.#advancedsoul #diariespodcastGranted I do, too, at times but somewhere along the way I was clued into thinking about you guys, too. Your wants, your needs, your feelings before letting what I want become too much of a priority. 鈫慉dd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Almost empty McDonalds

Almost empty McDonalds

2019-03-15--:--:--

Content published: Sep 29, 2018 at 11:43 am CDT路 podcast published: Mar 15, 2019 at 1:45 pm CDTI鈥檓 sitting in the McDonalds on State Street in Geneva. Because Egg McMuffins.This is also the place where Maggie鈥檚 mom and I told Maggie that we were getting divorced. It was the most painful conversation I鈥檝e ever had. The most painful day ever. Watching her little nine year old face panic as the conversation unfolded.It wasn鈥檛 a long conversation but it lasted forever to me.A therapist said to do it in public so the hurt would live outside the home. Sometimes breakups really better are in public. Sometimes it's the better way out.And as we were driving back home, the three of us, I thought to myself, 鈥淚鈥檓 never going to that fucking place again.鈥滲ut here I am. Cuppa years later.Because one of the best things I learned was to 鈥済ive it some time.鈥滷or as long as it takes. Don鈥檛 make up your mind. Just put it down. Don鈥檛 rush healing. Don't rush the feeling. Let the pain fade. It will if we don鈥檛 force its end.#photos #protip #diariespodcastIrene路 Sep 29, 2018 at 12:14 pmThat鈥檚 an interesting theory about a public place. I had never ever heard that before. I guess it would really just depend on all the people involved as to whether or not you wanted that displayed in a public place鈥 Definitely food for thoughtful! Time has a way of healing everything Irene路 Sep 29, 2018 at 12:16 pmI know I messed up I meant food for thought! tcr!路 Sep 29, 2018 at 12:40 pmI knew what you meant 馃槉 Irene路 Sep 29, 2018 at 12:51 pmFigured you would, but who knows what anyone else would think 馃槉 Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Sep 28, 2018 at 8:54 am CDT路 podcast published: Mar 14, 2019 at 9:05 am CDTAnd then when you鈥檙e walking down the stairs you say 鈥渇uck those guys鈥 but there are no guys there?And then when you鈥檙e standing in the kitchen getting your lunch ready you see a teeny purple flower on the floor and say 鈥済et the fuck out of here鈥 and kick it under the stove?And then Alexa plays Kiss Me Deadly and then you think to yourself 鈥淲hy does Ozzy get to hold heaven in the palm of his hand? Fuck that.鈥滱nd then when you鈥檙e driving to work your phone vibrates in your pocket so you pull it out and see it鈥檚 an email from Amazon Prime Video. They鈥檙e canceling your Comic-Con HQ Subscription because the channel is no longer available. And then you say 鈥淚 don鈥檛 give a fuck about that. I never did.鈥滱nd then when you're sitting at your work desk pondering all the fucks you鈥檝e said before 9AM this very morning, you remember that not all the stories end with a spiritual revelation.Happy Friday, peeps!! 馃檮#thestruggleisreal #diariespodcasttism路 Sep 28, 2018 at 9:49 amYou鈥檝e given the balance of your fucks away before noon!!!! tcr!路 Sep 28, 2018 at 10:57 amI know!! I鈥檒l always keep a reserve though. Because there are some days when everything is exaggeratedly terrible. tism路 Sep 28, 2018 at 11:09 amYou so smart. :-) Karly路 Sep 28, 2018 at 10:17 amSo if you gave a 鈥渇uck that鈥 for each thing in your morning to emulate that you had zero fucks to give鈥..did you really give zero fucks? I feel like this needs a mathematical theory written about it. tcr!路 Sep 28, 2018 at 10:55 amYep. I can鈥檛 say 鈥渮ero fucks given鈥 though, that鈥檚 somebody else鈥檚 mantra. But yeah, your equations line up. Meicher路 Sep 28, 2018 at 1:09 pm Mitchell路 Sep 28, 2018 at 7:03 pmOmg can so relate just one of them days is how I look at it chrisrich路 Sep 29, 2018 at 4:26 pmIs 鈥淔uck that鈥 a prayer? I want to think a sponsor told me that but maybe鈥︹ i just wish a sponsor told me that. tcr!路 Sep 30, 2018 at 8:42 amIt鈥檚 definitely a prayer. A 鈥渓etting go鈥 kinda prayer generally reserved for cloudy days. chrisrich路 Sep 30, 2018 at 9:14 amOk I鈥檓 running with that!!!! Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Content published: Sep 21, 2018 at 5:06 pm CDT路 podcast published: Mar 12, 2019 at 11:00 am CDTGuys, I just witnessed a heated couples exchange inside one of our local Walgreens.A man was outright denying his wife of her Friday snacks because apparently she 鈥渁lready had her daily allotment of cheese puffs.鈥漇he then retorted or snorted, 鈥淥h no, I鈥檓 a get my cheese puffs鈥 with the bitterness you鈥檇 expect of dreams shattered in full view of the other drugstore patrons.I can see both sides really. I mean they sell a 20 ounce plastic tumbler of them (Market Pantry brand) at SuperTarget so they must be good. On the other hand... Well, I can鈥檛 think of another hand. I can鈥檛 come up with one good valid reason to deprive your girl of cheese puffs if she wants cheese puffs. You won鈥檛 get lucky tonight withholding their fluffy orange texture.Anyways, I thought for sure she was gonna hook his leg with her cane and send him to the floor in a crumpled heap of senior citizen. I鈥檓 sure it wouldn鈥檛 be the first time.I grabbed my receipt from the cashier and made my least hasty exit. The couple then disappeared down the food + drinks aisle so I have no finale for this yarn. Sorry.And now as I sit in the Walgreens parking lot on the corner of State Street and wherever I am, I鈥檓 enjoying these sweet, first, few drinks of this refreshing can (16 ounce) of Coca-Cola. It鈥檚 not the good stuff that the aforementioned SuperTarget imports from Mexico but it鈥檒l do on this Friday afternoon.Anyways 2, happy weekend everybody. I hope this is your best one yet.#photos #snacks #soda #diariespodcastahrens路 Sep 21, 2018 at 6:04 pmWhat鈥檚 up with the branch with leaves on it in your car? 馃槈 tcr!路 Sep 21, 2018 at 6:12 pmI got it at the second Nightmare on Chicago Street I ever went to up in Elgin. It was laying on the ground in its own crumpled heap of plastic greenery as I was making yet another of my least hasty exits. When I got back to my truck I stuck it into my cigarette lighter outlet thing and it鈥檚 lived there ever since鈥 馃尶 tcr!路 Sep 21, 2018 at 6:41 pmWAIT. That鈥檚 a lie. It鈥檚 not in the cigarette lighter outlet. It鈥檚 in the keyhole next to it that controls the airbags!I didn鈥檛 want to run the risk that this garden-variety plastic ivy one would find at your neighborhood Joann鈥檚 art and craft store would catch fire.In related news鈥 One time I put my truck key in the keyhole, hoping it would open the door way to Narnia. But alas there was no such transportation reward. Only shed tears in the salty realization that I would indeed have to go to work. 馃槩 ahrens路 Sep 21, 2018 at 7:14 pmThank you for your honesty. My first thought was maybe it was eucalyptus and you had a koala bear. That would be pretty rad. Please know, I do not judge a man鈥檚 greenery he keeps in his car. McIntyre 13路 Sep 21, 2018 at 10:37 pmThis thread makes me smile. 馃榿 Or maybe it鈥檚 just my muscle relaxant kicking in. Either way thanks for the laugh guys tcr!路 Sep 22, 2018 at 8:29 amMy two cents but the koala ain鈥檛 a stranger to muscle relaxants. Shari H路 Sep 21, 2018 at 6:16 pmLook鈥f you鈥檙e gonna feed us interesting tidbits on conversations overheard. You鈥檙e gonna hafta stick around for the ending. You鈥檙e public depends on you! Roda路 Sep 21, 2018 at 6:18 pmMFer, don鈥檛 mess with my comfort food after a hard day on a Friday. Redmondton路 Sep 21, 2018 at 6:41 pmPint can legit, strong work Murisa DM路 Sep 21, 2018 at 7:43 pmAre you an author? You should write a book鈥 your stores are so funny and so well written. tcr!路 Sep 21, 2018 at 9:04 pmI regularly submit my stuff to publishers, etc. but so far nobody鈥檚 been interested. 馃檮 Finkler路 Sep 21, 2018 at 10:24 pmI loved this!!We do love our cheese puffs tho.. Pad Nevin路 Sep 21, 2018 at 11:02 pmLiterally clicked the comment section just to ask this question. Past few posts I read are the most simplest interactions that can and likely happen daily and you make it interesting to read. tcr!路 Sep 22, 2018 at 8:11 amThank you! tcr!路 Sep 22, 2018 at 8:34 amI write more serious stuff, too. ahrens路 Sep 21, 2018 at 8:00 pmWalgreens is always located at the corner of HAPPY and HEALTHY, not State and 鈥渨hatever鈥 tcr!路 Sep 22, 2018 at 8:27 amI don鈥檛 know. I go into the St. Charles鈥 Walgreens on the corner of Main Street and Sweet Tomatoes a couple times a week and there鈥檚 one cashier that鈥檚 borderline anti-happy.Seriously, she asks for my Walgreens Rewards card each and every visit regardless of how many times I鈥檝e said, 鈥淟isten shopping gestapo, you鈥檙e not tracking how many sodas I buy in the name of steep discounts and customer perks!鈥漌ell, my wit鈥檚 not that quick in public or under Freddie鈥檚 pressure so that鈥檚 what I like to think I鈥檒l say the next time I鈥檓 standing in her aisle as she鈥檚 questioning the cards in my wallet and reviewing a 3鈥 ecig box with a scrupulous monocle, flipping the box over and over again looking for the 2鈥 barcode.It鈥檚 on the fracking back where 90% of the barcodes in the world are!!! ahrens路 Sep 22, 2018 at 8:14 amOk. First, Henry is my homie. He is so nice. Next, ecigs are bad news. When you know better, you do better. You have one set of lungs, take care of them. Finally, I use my bucks on Cheetos 馃槀 Mustari Jones路 Sep 22, 2018 at 8:27 amahrens, you are friggin killing me. 馃槀馃ぃ Mustari Jones路 Sep 22, 2018 at 8:29 amThis is LITERALLY the best thing on the internet this weekend. ahrens路 Sep 22, 2018 at 8:34 amThis is such a deep conversation, right? Love it. ahrens路 Sep 22, 2018 at 8:44 amPerhaps Walgreens is not your scene. For all of the times I have entered my rewards number, I have yet to be rewarded. CVS is where it鈥檚 at. Once you get over the fact that your receipt is as long as 3 football fields, you realize you win the lotto during every shopping experience. I earn all of these bucks for whatever reason and I just roll with it. Some people are addicted to crack and/or bath salts but CVS is my weakness. tcr!路 Sep 22, 2018 at 3:38 pmThere鈥檚 this dude named Henry that works at the CVS close to my house. He鈥檚 worked there ever since I moved to my neighborhood back in the 00s. He, too, asks for my CVS card every time I see him. Even if we鈥檙e not in CVS. One time I was out feeding homeless children on the upper west side on a sunny Saturday, not unlike today. Henry pulled up, in what I assume to be his blue BMW and Keanu shades, and said, 鈥淐VS card鈥︹ in his oh so cool Nigerian accent.I might spring for a CVS card if they sold ecig paraphernalia by the pound but they seem to be anti-nicotine these days. And then they got those midget shopping carts that people still insist on filling up like their at Costco on Randall.Regardless, the real question is what do you do with all your earned bucks? Do they automagically discount your next receipt when you go in? ns kraut路 Sep 21, 2018 at 9:52 pmThat will be me and my husband in 30 years. He already tells me i can鈥檛 get more cheese its. I need a cane鈥 tcr!路 Sep 22, 2018 at 8:14 amYou could probably buy one at Walgreens. If not, Riley Drug (also on State Street and whatever) carries them. I鈥檝e tried their canes out. Clean finish, solid construction, helpful staff. Steer Steerup路 Sep 23, 2018 at 9:15 amShe鈥檚 diabetic and shouldn鈥檛 have carbs. He cares about her. Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Stop looking for proof

Stop looking for proof

2019-03-10--:--:--

Content published: Sep 21, 2018 at 11:23 am CDT路 podcast published: Mar 10, 2019 at 10:33 am CDTLooking for reasons why things would fail used to be a big part of my day.I devoted hours to it. Always poking around under the hood for clues to prove that whoever I鈥檇 gotten close to was up to no good. That I was going to get hurt. That people were evil.Reviewing all the data at frequent intervals.If that all sounds dumb it鈥檚 because it was.I didn鈥檛 trust people or the cosmos. I knew the fingerprints were somewhere, I just had to find them. Keep dusting, keep analyzing. Always teetering on the brink of crazy.Where is the evidence?When I didn鈥檛 find any, it didn鈥檛 matter. I knew something was there somewhere. I just had to keep looking. Patiently waiting for some unspoken testimony because sooner or later I鈥檇 get a confirmation, a conviction, and then all my doubts and nightmares would come true.And then if I did get absolute confirmation that there was indeed absolutely nothing going on, I couldn鈥檛 even relax with the sound judgement that everything was good. I was too battle-exhausted from my search. I was too shaken by the possibility that it could happen, that I could find something.I needed to stop looking for proof. Do you know what happened when I did look? I made the very people who loved me crazy. I pushed them away until they left.I鈥檓 divorced twice. It鈥檚 a real thing that we bring what we most fear into our lives by being absurdly afraid of it.Looking at my case files it's pretty clear now that it was never about the other person or what they were doing. It was about me and my insecurities. I needed to 鈥渜uit鈥 all the scrutiny if I wanted to have a healthy, peaceful connection with another person.With Sara, I still keep a close eye on things but in this very moment I look for proof why things *will* work. Reverse the numbers and flip the math. Cherish the very reasons why love wins. Embrace what flows freely when I be my best self.And then all my hopes and dreams come true.#lettherebehope #relationships #diariespodcasttism路 Sep 21, 2018 at 11:43 amThat is a very hard thing to do. Congrats to you sir. :-) tcr!路 Sep 21, 2018 at 12:05 pmYep. Dealing with my insecurities was the hard part for me. After that then the search for clues wasn鈥檛 important. 馃槉 jimi hindrance experience路 Sep 21, 2018 at 12:16 pmYou deserve this. Unreasonable Happiness is your birthright. Claim it. jimi hindrance experience路 Sep 21, 2018 at 12:17 pmWho鈥檚 the critter in the frame? tcr!路 Sep 21, 2018 at 1:06 pmI believe it to be a praying mantis but usually I don鈥檛 know what I鈥檓 talking about. sprout路 Sep 21, 2018 at 1:55 pmThis rings very true for me, as it most likely does for many. Especially those of us who come from a world of using and abusing, there is often more hurt, abuse, betrayal than not. But growing older and learning to trust your partner鈥 that鈥檚 actually a way of trusting yourself. And that has been the hardest part for me. Thank you for sharing this. It gives me some things to reflect upon and appreciate today. tcr!路 Sep 21, 2018 at 2:44 pm> there is often more hurt, abuse, betrayal than notFor sure. There鈥檚 a reason why we are the way we are. I also believe that you can trust yoruself. There鈥檚 nothing but good inside you. 馃槉 Add a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Like I'm going to fall over

Like I'm going to fall over

2019-03-08--:--:--

Content published: Apr 17, 2018 at 7:26 pm CDT路 podcast published: Mar 8, 2019 at 8:58 am CDTI haven鈥檛 been writing as much because I鈥檝e been struggling with my nicotine addiction. All sorts of things happen and don鈥檛 happen when I try to quit.Sometimes I鈥檒l spout off something about quitting on social media or whatever but lately I鈥檝e just been keeping my struggles to myself. Because unless somebody was a daily smoker for over 30 years, they don鈥檛 really get it. I know people are trying to help but move along. Sometimes we just need to vent.And then vaping made my addiction even worse because I could do it anywhere at anytime. I would vape at Maggie鈥檚 school during her recitals and in team meetings at work, too. I would use my vapor in the dentist鈥檚 restroom before I went in to see them.When I go into withdrawal my ears will ring. Ring to the point that I can hear them in the next room. My head will start to hurt. Like I have a vice slowly squeezing my temples. It鈥檚 not a sharp pain but dull and warm and oh so intense. And when it鈥檚 really bad I鈥檒l start to get lightheaded. Like I鈥檓 going to fall over. Detox always makes my stomach bloated and gurgly regardless of which drug it is. My intestines will fill with witches brew and putrid toxins.I鈥檝e not been sleeping that great at night which makes it hard for me to concentrate throughout the day. Concentrate on writing or whatever. And then because I鈥檓 tired I drink more caffeine. In the early evening when I鈥檓 dragging both feet I'll make a couple cups of coffee because I鈥檓 missing my old smoking friend. I鈥檒l jump from one drug to another. Trade this addiction for that one. I didn鈥檛 realize I was even doing it at first with the coffees because when you鈥檙e a drug addict the addiction is sneaky and silent.I've quit smoking probably 20 times and generally end up smoking again because the physical pain gets to be too much. And I know that if I smoke or vape or whatever all that pain goes away.And then I stopped this morning and bought a pack cigarettes because the hellfire withdrawal had been kicking my ass for the better part of two days. I鈥檒l do that every now and then, buy a pack, smoke one or two and then throw the unsmoked away.I never tell anyone when I buy a pack of cigarettes because everybody is always disappointed. Because I鈥檓 the poster child for success or something....It was snowing this morning. In the middle of April. And as I was standing outside the gas station smoking, a guy came up to me and asked for a cigarette. He had to be at least 20 years younger and wasn't wearing a winter coat. He was missing half of his index and middle fingers on one hand. He had a plastic grocery sack full of things he hadn鈥檛 bought recently.He seemed reluctant to ask me for a smoke but he still did because nicotine is a powerful bitch. I gave him three cigarettes and he was more than grateful. I could see the look of relief on his face. I treated him with dignity and respect because all people deserve that no matter where they are in life. No matter what really.He reminded me of my 19 year old self when I lived in Cedar Rapids with one of my brothers. No job, no money, and desperately needing something to fill my soul. Standing in the morning snowfall regardless of the cold, feeding my addictions however I could.Somehow I made it out of that era with all my fingers and toes attached. But I easily couldn't have. Somehow I made it out of that life alive and now have my own house, a career, beautiful daughters, a gorgeous girlfriend, and all that.Somehow I made it over the hump and to the place where I have a choice in life.Driving away I wish I would鈥檝e given him the whole pack. I wanted to tell him that he could make it out, too. Make it out of whatever place he was in. That life is bigger than where your next cigarette comes from.But I didn鈥檛 think about any of that until I was driving away. Plus, I鈥檓 suspicious by default.Anyways, never underestimate the impact you have on people, especially strangers.#confessional #smokersunite #diariespodcastAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
Confront your feelings

Confront your feelings

2019-03-08--:--:--

Content published: Mar 7, 2019 at 7:00 pm CDT路 podcast published: Mar 8, 2019 at 7:52 am CDTI've been writing and recording music for close to 30 years. This is the latest track. You should listen to it with headphones.The words below are various thoughts I've had and one-liners I've collected over the last year. They seem to go hand in hand with the audio. We can't be a fruity butterfly all the time.Intolerant. Not verbally just mentally.Disenfranchised. Disenchanted. Disillusioned.All fabulous words.Inadequate to my own hopes.Approval makes us do things we wish we wouldn鈥檛 have done.There鈥檚 no punchline. It鈥檚 all set up and no delivery. Just like my life. Everything is terrible.If you don鈥檛 confront your feelings they will confront you.鈥擫eonard SnartDon't take yourself too seriously.Here's the big secret: nobody's happy.#diariespodcast #diariesvideo #allislostAdd a comment!聽聽View original聽聽
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