tcr! diaries - podcast

Content published: Mar 3, 2017 at 12:30 pm CDT· podcast published: Jun 21, 2019 at 10:30 am CDTTime goes by and we move on and people come in and out of our lives and then we try hard to remember them when everything's quiet but the memories fade and we're only left with glimpses and fractures of what was and reminders that nothing is ever permanent, not even the here and now.Also: be somebody's hero today. 😉#timeisirrelevant #diariespodcastAdd a comment!  View original  

Content published: Mar 23, 2017 at 8:17 am CDT· podcast published: May 25, 2019 at 12:30 pm CDTI have back and forth feelings of whether alcoholism is an actual disease like hepatitis or something. I guess at the end of the day it doesn't matter to me, doesn't change that my soul was sick. Emotionally distraught to the point it was affecting everything from my sleeping to my shitting to my relationships with Maggie and my cats. You that know me personally know my story.Did you ever see Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield? It's from the mid 80s, light hearted, goofy, classic Dangerfield.There's a scene where he's arguing with his professor about selling widgets. Dangerfield gets hung up on what exactly a widget is and the professor exasperated finally says...It's a fictional product, it doesn't matter.That's a powerful train of thought for me. Sometimes I can get hung up on wanting to debate a topic and often it's because I'm wanting to deflect looking at my own issues. I resist so I don't need to peer inward.When I'm deflecting I need to remember to self-critique. Maybe there's something I'm avoiding. And if so, the debate "doesn't matter."It's weird how I remember these lines from movies and they graft themselves into, make up part of my spiritual being. 😉Anyways. Is alcoholism a true medical disease? I don't care. What I do care about, what does matter is that I can't drink responsibly. I drink irresponsibly to the point of excess. I get frantic when I don't drink. It becomes the only thing I care about. Above all else. That's what does matter.Also, as a last thing. I do think it's a proper medical illness. The way alcoholics are utterly consumed by the cravings and will drink to literal death, well that's just not a lack of willpower.#alcoholism #healthnews #protip #diariespodcastzumpknows· Mar 23, 2017 at 9:44 amThis may have been a stumbling block for me when I was trying to bargain with alcohol, but there was no doubt that it was an addiction. Maybe it was a selective addiction, but it was my addiction to battle. And the battle became easier once I surrendered. coolcrosby· Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pmI agree that alcoholism is a disease; moreover, and more importantly all the overwhelming scientific and medical consensus is that alcoholism is a disease. SOmuch2learn· Mar 23, 2017 at 3:47 pmI agree that alcoholism is a disease. It helped me understand and accept my alcoholism after I read Under the Influence by Ketcham and Milam. gafflebitters· Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pmThanks for this post, I agree with you and I have similar movie experiences. LokiGrue· Mar 23, 2017 at 3:54 pmAs the long suffering spouse of an Alcoholic, I am sick of the “It’s a disease” mantra—it’s an excuse to not make the fucking choice to stop fucking drinking.It’s a “Disease” so it can get an ICD-10 Code, and people can get Insurance paying for treatment. Follow the fucking money.I’m sorry. She’s relapsing and I am tired of the excuses. LokiGrue· Mar 23, 2017 at 12:28 pmThe “disease” is just an excuse, not a reason. Are you getting help for yourself by going to Alanon?I don’t do “Higher Powers.” SOmuch2learn· Mar 23, 2017 at 4:40 pmI don’t do “god” either. I’m an atheist but found both AA and Alanon very helpful. I just let the stuff that doesn’t apply to me slide off—I wear a teflon shield.I am very sorry about your wife. Alcoholism is heartbreaking. I would have gone crazy without the support I gained from Alanon. Anonymous· Mar 23, 2017 at 5:43 pmI am sorry your wife is relapsing. Do you really, really feel that she is ‘chosing’ to drink over you/your family?It may help to understand what is going on in her brain…. what makes her different…. why she struggles to not relapse….This short 3 minute video should give you a little more insight, and (I very much hope!) something to understand and then work together to get help with.http://lundbeck.com/global/brain-disorders/disease-areas/other-diseases/alcohol-dependenceIt is not her fault that she has developed this condition, but it IS her choice to find something that helps her to move forwards. LokiGrue· Mar 23, 2017 at 6:02 pmI’m sick of this shit. Thankfully we’ve no children. She knows that I’ve drawn a line in the sand: She has two choices: Continue to drink and be served with Divorce papers, or not drink and we will stay married.She keeps whining “it’s not that simple!” Yes, it is actually. It may not be easy, but it is simple. And I have had enough. Another drink=Divorce. tcr!· Mar 23, 2017 at 6:11 pmYa, I don’t blame you. Living with an alcoholic gets old real quick. And then nothing ever changes no matter how much we plead and beg and threaten. Just take care you and let your wife take care of herself. Just my 2 cents. :) Anonymous· Mar 23, 2017 at 6:22 pmYour decision to make of course, but I think sadly…. at some point, whether in the near or distant future… you will be serving those divorce papers. Without help, it is extremely unlikely that she will be able to refrain from drinking for any meaningful length of time.All the medical evidence demonstrates that her brain has been altered by repeated alcohol use. The pathway in her brain that associates alcohol = reward is stronger than all the others.Whilst you may chose not to believe it, and to maintain that she has a choice in the matter, that doesn’t make it any less true. You are correct, it is not easy. But she is also correct, it isn’t that simple.Once someone has become alcohol dependent, it is NOT a choice any longer. stankost· Mar 25, 2017 at 6:11 pmI think you have a valid point, it was a “personality disorder” few years ago,now it is a “disease”, but ICD had qualified “homosexuality” as mental illness in the past, but today you will be crucified for such statement, so I am also not convinced that alcoholism is a disease (it can lead to a bunch of medical problems of course). However, it is not easy for an alcoholic “just not to drink”. Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CDT· podcast published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CDTAfter all my moaning my 2018 diaries book is now ready to be put in your shopping carts. If you have an unfulfilled diaries magazine subscription don’t buy the book. Your paperback will be in the mail soon.The ones available here on the site are autographed, too. Paperback and Kindle editions are available on Amazon, non-autographed of course.You should buy my book. And then tell your friends about it. And share it on social media, as you do. And then leave an Amazon review. I know that’s asking a lot but it would mean the world to me and I’d be eternally grateful. 💙 Sharing and reviews really do help.It’d be really cool if I could just do my writing (both spiritual and ridiculous) and earn a living doing such. As it is now, I do both when I have time. I hate making room for those things that are truly important. I just want to do those things that absolutely make truly my heart sing all the fucking time.I have at least 15 pieces that I’ve started writing but haven’t had the chance to finish. I have to feel what I’m writing or else the words come across like a piece of shit. And the writing zone isn’t something I can just turn on when I have 15 minutes to spare.And then I have at least 50 podcast episodes I could record but again, I have to be in the mood. Otherwise the words come out of my mouth like I’m an uncaring automaton.Anyways, I’ll quit bemoaning. Go buy my book. 😊Peace out, death to dogmas.#diariesbook #diariespodcast #forsale Get the diaries for 2018 booktcr!· Apr 29, 2019 at 2:37 pmPS- The cover only went through four progressions. Sara vetoed the first cover straight away… 😊 Hater McGhray· Apr 29, 2019 at 2:54 pmSara was right. tcr!· Apr 29, 2019 at 6:51 pmAbsolutely right. She usually is 😊 JJania· Apr 29, 2019 at 2:56 pmI’ll be getting my paperback Wednesday. tcr!· Apr 29, 2019 at 5:21 pmYay! Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 17, 2018 at 7:35 pm CDT· podcast published: Apr 19, 2019 at 10:00 am CDTIf I’m feeling the same way a few days later about something I need to make peace with it. Or not.It’s true that the only thing I have to do with my feelings is feel them but sometimes they linger. They don’t resolve. And then I have to do something. I need to take action.Often times that action is just accepting whatever happened that caused my unrest to begin with. If the situation involved another person, for example, how would I act around them if it didn’t happen at all?That’s how I accept things. It’s not hard once I decide that I want to move forward in life. Regardless of where my feelings are at.Acting differently than how I feel isn’t denying my feelings or pretending whatever didn’t happened. It’s me deciding that I’m done with all that and am going to move on even if my heart is telling me something else.It’s not usual when the only closure I get is accepting that I won’t get resolution. That’s a realization I get to in my head because feelings can be icky and sticky.Like watching somebody leave when I want them to stay. I give them a hug and a kiss on the cheek, watch them get into the car and drive down the street. My heart twists as the taillights drive away. The physical bond between us stretches and dissolves as the car gets smaller.To the left. Around a bend. Disappear. Gone is gone.I turn and hobble up the sidewalk, the fallen leaves are too coincidental. The chilly air a nuisance, the gray sky unwanted.Inside the tears drip down like droplets over the outside of a boiling pot. Steam on the lid and mist in my eyes making it too hard to see what’s inside. Everything’s overflowing. Everything’s too much.The house isn’t empty but I’d rather be by myself. Alone I turn off the stove and the pot and the water start to cool. Just a minute ago the somebody was there and now I only have a fading memory.Okay stop. Enough with the melodrama.There was never a stove. Nor a boiling pot.Feelings are beautiful, magical things and experiencing them makes us whole human beings. They’re the yin to the intellect’s yan.But they don’t run the show and allowing them to will only end up making life miserable.#advancedsoul #diariespodcastRichard· Oct 19, 2018 at 5:18 amNice.Got it. Thanks. marney0160· Oct 20, 2018 at 9:04 amNice! Thanks for the reminder… Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 14, 2018 at 10:09 am CDT· podcast published: Apr 18, 2019 at 7:30 am CDTSometimes I’ll got out on a culinary limb. A daring yet delectable escapade, laying out loads of cash for adventurous taste combinations that send the conservatives repulsed to the bakeries of safety.For example, in this year of 2018, this month of October, I dropped Candy Apple frosting from Pillsbury into my basket, impromptu style while in the aisles of Blue Goose. A one-handed yet non-acrobatic feat that impressed shoppers clear yonder to the western deli department.Basket maneuvers aside, be aware impulsive and intrigued icing shoppers, concede to my financial frosting fiasco. This cake topping may look moist and delicious on the box but the taste and texture is more akin to sweet, fluffy lipstick.There may be a market for apple red lipstick for the baked cakes but I'm not included in it.One might ask how I know what lipstick tastes like. That would be a very good question to ask.🍰💄🤔 #photos #allislost #diariespodcastMomma J· Oct 14, 2018 at 11:23 pmIt looks nasty! tcr!· Oct 15, 2018 at 10:12 amI thought it looked delicious! Like a thick, fire engine red pillowy pudding. Kelly K· Oct 15, 2018 at 6:26 amFantastic review! Wish I had been there to see the basket drop. tcr!· Oct 15, 2018 at 10:14 amUsually I’m in Blue Goose once a week. Perhaps our grocery paths will cross one day. Kelly K· Oct 15, 2018 at 5:18 pmI can only hope! Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 11, 2018 at 11:27 am CDT· podcast published: Apr 14, 2019 at 6:10 pm CDTI have ideas all the time, things I wanna do around the house or to my truck, or books I wanna write or pictures I wanna take. If it’s a really good idea I’ll get excited about it. If I’m really excited with my idea, I’ll actually do it. If I have other things going on, I’ll adjust my schedule to turn my idea into a real thing.If I can’t budge my schedule because I have other priorities, then I forget about my idea. I don’t write it down. I’ll just let it die in my head. Because if my idea is really good I’ll have the same idea again. If my idea wasn’t that good, it probably deserves to fade away.When my ideas die, I don’t feed bad or feel like I’m not enough. I don’t get discouraged because I don’t have the time or whatever. I just let the ideas go. I can’t do everything I ever wanted and that’s okay.And that one idea, if I didn’t have enough passion or drive to make it happen, isn’t going to change the world anyway. It’s not gonna make me a whole person nor is it gonna be a silver bullet to end world hunger or a golden chalice to bring about world peace.I may have read the gist of all of this somewhere else. I can’t remember. But letting ideas go is an idea I had (mine or not) that's worth sharing.#protip #diariespodcastjimi hindrance experience· Oct 11, 2018 at 4:30 pmSnoopy is a catch-all for me because he’s so cool. And this image in particular, he’s just Joe Cool. Shit eating grin and zero given. That’s “why Snoopy?” Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Apr 6, 2019 at 1:20 pm CDT· podcast published: Apr 6, 2019 at 1:20 pm CDTPlease enjoy a song I recorded sometime in the late 90s, maybe 1998. Of course I wrote all the lyrics and music and played all the instruments. Because that's what you do when you're me.The additional vocals/voices are messages left on my home answering machine. When those were a thing.You are not a slave.You are not a fucking slave.2486 5017-6 18509 55To accept the charges press 1 now.The more I am made to feel leashed and shaved,the less I am enticed by the dull warmth.Radiating your cage, butterflying lice.Radiation your face, acne price.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.You might scare people with that message.It was a good ‘un. Wouldn’t scare no body.The more I am tricked by grandpa thoughts and fleshed bricks,the less I am willing to forgive the scars.Wound to lick, skinned up bars,human ticks, candy jars,control fix, dysfunction par.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.You are not a slave.K, you’re aren’t very commercial but that’s okay.Fuck commercialization.Fuck the diabolic clown cauldron, alright.You are not a slave.You might scare people with that message.But you are not fucking a slave.It was a good ‘un. Wouldn’t scare no body.To accept the charges press 1 now.So does your whore.The more I am molded with foil and Christmas coal,the less I am ready for hot pocket guilt.Redundant scolds, nasal silk,50s hold, pinball tilt,coward bold, razor built,heart of mold, blood of milk.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.But you are not fucking a slave.Alias: grahm sextonTitle: FMN#tcrmusic #diariespodcastAdd a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 10, 2018 at 12:30 pm CDT· podcast published: Apr 5, 2019 at 3:15 pm CDTYears ago I used to work with this client, aliased Jack, who would continually get on my nerves. He wasn’t a bad guy but every now and then he would email[1] me a question, looking for an answer to something we’d been over and over again.I would read his email and think, “Why the fuck are you asking me this? We’ve already talked about it. More than once. I got better shit to do than repeat myself. For the third time.”I saw the email conversations as nothing but ridiculous.No, the world’s not gonna blow up if you click that button. If it could blow up, my annoying little friend, you wouldn’t be able to see the button, let alone click the fucking button.Obviously customer service doesn’t run in my blood. I like talking with my friends and family but I’m not a big fan of talking to people when I “have to.” By and large there’s little interest in me to hand out warm fuzzies to the clients. I like to write code at work, not give hugs.So back to Jack.I was thinking about him this morning because thoughts come and go, as they do. He was a nervous, jittery guy. Anxious pretty much every time I spoke with him. He would often get five steps ahead of me when we were reviewing his projects and I’d be like, “dude, slow down.” I would actually call him “dude” which is my polite way of saying “you moron.”But time equals clarity and so I tend to think with those calls and emails what he was after was reassurance. He was looking to be comforted in someway if you will. Don’t make that weird because it’s not. But maybe he was homosexual, I don’t know.[2]I doubt if him wanting a professional “hug” was a front-burner thought. It’s not unusual for people to create little messes in their mind, get themselves all worked up and bent out of shape, and then lean on somebody they trust. Someone who’ll tell them it’s okay, that everything’s fine. Someone who'll offer solutions to their problems.And then life can be right for a moment.I don’t know for sure that’s what was up with Jack but it’s what I’m inclined to think.Being in touch with what other people are feeling or needing is not something that comes naturally to me. I’m a man, not an empath. I have to consciously pay attention to those around me or else I’ll be content in my own imaginary land of Hobbitses and/or Synthetics.That will sometimes get me in trouble, too.Here's a quote by David F. Swink:Having poor empathy skills can lead to serious consequences. It can lead to conflict born of misunderstanding. Without it we can feel lonely within a relationship. Lack of empathy can cause companies to make catastrophic blunders that alienate their customers or employees and it can even incite violence.[3]Hopefully I’ve never incited violence. I do have the occasion thought of hitting someone on the head with a hammer though.[4]Thinking about Jack in the here and now it’s easier to see where his antics were coming from, hindsight being 20/20 and all that. There’s nothing I can do about that relationship now but I can maybe carry a little extra empathy into my present day interactions with Jill, aliased of course.Last paragraph: sometimes we make amends to someone by being a little bit nicer to the next guy.He stopped calling me once he figured out I always sent him to voicemail. ↑I was being silly just then. ↑Source: I Don't Feel Your Pain: Overcoming Roadblocks to Empathy. ↑Again, I was being silly. ↑#advancedsoul #relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment!  View original  

Content published: Jul 18, 2017 at 7:47 am CDT· podcast published: Apr 3, 2019 at 8:55 pm CDTOne time she asked me in a hostile voice: what did you expect was going to happen?It was rhetorical and stunning like a conversational taser. I had no counter, no retort.My behaviors and their followup consequences weren’t relevant when we started talking. Emotionally blinded and tunneling with rage on the pain she’d dealt me and not the pain I'd dealt her. Hers was the most recent and according to my Truxion Manual the last person to hurt somebody is what you talk about.Sitting where I am now years later I don't blame her. For a good many things. Looking back I now expect her to act just like she did.#relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 9, 2018 at 9:52 am CDT· podcast published: Mar 26, 2019 at 8:50 pm CDTSome time over the weekend I had a dream that it was Wednesday after work and the robot vacuum hadn't done his scheduled cleaning. And then I was crushed and frustrated, defeated and agitated, almost to the brink of tears.Another substantiated claim that I don't deserve nice things.It was worse when I was drinking, that train of thought. I’d like to say it surprises me that I still have that thought but it doesn’t.Really though it’s not about deserving as much as “can’t have nice things.” Because I’ll put myself in impossible situations. Where I’ll never win.It’s a dysfunctional pattern carried from when I was a teenager or something. Which leads into the struggles of a life inherited. From a previous life. More realistically it’s probably from my genetics. Family of origin stuff, a television spin off.Desperately pleading that things would get better. But they won’t. They can’t. I stay in those situations because I’ve dug a hole. It’s pretty much impossible to get out. I don’t know how to do anything else.And we don’t find nice things in holes. They don’t have them.After spending over a decade in a hole it becomes familiar and comfortable. I can distract myself with my imagination, satisfy myself with make-believe. I can put a nice rug here and maybe a lamp over there.Sometimes I strive and strain to climb out. But it just doesn’t work. And then I give up. Yet again. It’s easier just to give up, accept that everything’s terrible. Because this is just how it’s going to be.Obviously I don’t feel spiritual every day. And then I flounder around for a day or two. Maybe a week. Read a spiritual book. Go to a meeting. Hear something that puts me back on track. Points me again in the right direction.How I feel is not who I am.God’s got a bigger plan. Maybe I’m not supposed to have nice things right now.Keep the faith, peeps. Let go absolutely.#allislost #advancedsoul #diariespodcast #nicethingsAdd a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 4, 2018 at 11:07 am CDT· podcast published: Mar 22, 2019 at 10:15 am CDTLying is the absolute worst.“No, I wasn’t drinking. What the hell are you talking about?”Telling lies. To another person. Makes them crazy. They start to question their own sanity.Someone has a pretty good idea about something and then we go and sow a row of doubt. It’s twofold. Not only are we handing them a flat out lie, we’re also giving them personal conflict. We’re insisting they stop questioning us and question themselves.Self-doubt is one of the worst things we can serve somebody. It’s a car wreck for the soul. Twisted metal and broken headlights. Sure, the fender can be bent back but it’ll never be true.It’s funny that we tell our kids that it’s not what they did that was so bad, it was that they lied about it. And then we grow up as adults and do the same thing. But on a Rushmore, monumental level.I don’t know about you guys but if someone lies to me that’s just it.…I wrote the above back in August. And then it just sat there not feeling finished.It’s all fine and good but it’s also abstract. The real stories in life aren’t. The car crash here is that I lied to somebody yesterday. A flat out lie as mentioned above. First time I can remember since I stopped drinking.I lied because I don’t like this person. I don’t trust them. Being honest gives them ammunition and I don’t like the thought of loading bullets into an unstable person’s gun.I am kind of disappointed in myself, though. Lying goes against what I believe, who I want to be. In all situations. In all dilemmas.However, I don’t feel too bad for lying to this particular person. They lie to me on the bimonthly basis, the latest just this past week. I know they lied because I looked it up. I didn’t crucify this person for it but I wanted to. I mean really wanted to.I could justify the whole situation with some notion about how spiritual truths need not apply in all situations. Cold wars and nuclear armaments. I won’t make more of a case than that because I don’t really have one. Plastic tanks and toy soldiers, peeps.Would I do it again? Tell a flat out lie? Probably not but I don’t know. Sometimes somebody shines a hot spotlight on us and shit just happens. I don’t like how I feel about lying for sure. I don’t like playing the odds that I’ll get caught. Driving fast doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I don’t want to smash up, crash up somebody’s fender.So there’s my confession. Two Jim Carrolls and a bottle of wine.#confessional #diariespodcastjimi hindrance experience· Oct 4, 2018 at 12:02 pmI was just thinking about this this morning. When someone asks me something personal, and I don’t feel like answering, I lie my head off to them about it. I mean I was “literally doing battle with pirates” so how could you dare want to know? Or even if I just think the person is stupid. No, I was using my ultra-light aircraft and just floated above all the traffic. There are other exceptions, starting with if I don’t like the person. I’ll lie.The best reply to all of these situations though is the blank stare. About 5 years ago when I first started at a job, an idiot wanted to know something. After the silence, she says, “Jim I think if you don’t want to answer something you just don’t!” Another person was present, and the second person giggled. I enjoyed that giggle. She let me know she gets me and she was on my side. The inquistor was probably too thick to know how obnoxious they were being, so it might have been all for naught but she eventually stopped asking me stuff like that. tcr!· Oct 4, 2018 at 12:43 pm“an idiot wanted to know something” … this could be title of many a book. Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 2, 2018 at 7:23 pm CDT· podcast published: Mar 20, 2019 at 10:30 am CDTThe scene was once again my truck.I was sitting at a stoplight and a minivan pulled up in the lane next to me.The wife appeared to be driving and, who I assume to be the husband, was slumped over in the passenger seat. Quite possibly hungover. Renounced pathetic in his silence and downward, saddened gaze.The engrossing part of this travel tale was that she was scolding him with both hands and all that. Arms flailing. Eyes furious. Teeth gnashing. Murderously chewing his ass upside and down there behind their minivan windows.This would be a day I would not ever forget if I were him. The guy looked defeated as he sat there frumpily slumped. Acceptive of whatever verbal beating his wife was handing down.I don’t know if he fucked the dog last night or what, but guys, this dude was in trouble. 😯#trafficnews #relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 2, 2018 at 4:36 pm CDT· podcast published: Mar 18, 2019 at 3:00 pm CDTOne time when I was drinking I put a lawn chair in the middle of the yard that runs along the side of my house. My thought was that it’d be the perfect spot to keep tabs on the neighbors from a slightly covert location.A couple days later when I was sober I remembered the lawn chair and returned it to the back deck. I felt somewhat embarrassed afterward as it was a somewhat embarrassing place to have lawn furniture. Sitting shamefully in the grass along the side of the house.If you ever see a guy sitting in a lawnchair in his side yard, it would be safe to assume he’s drunk.#alcoholism #homeimprovement #diariespodcastAdd a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 1, 2018 at 1:03 pm CDT· podcast published: Mar 17, 2019 at 3:50 pm CDTWhen I’m around you guys it’s easy to be my best self.I would almost say that it comes naturally. I don’t even think about it.But there are other times when I’m around other people when there’s nothing easy about being a good person. It takes 100% of my concentration. It takes dedicated and duplicated prayers. It takes front-burner, fore-thought action.It takes getting to know and being comfortable with my anger beforehand so it’s not overwhelming when I’m around the jerks who live only in their own worlds, who live from only their own point of view.[1]It takes regular and routine reseting so I don’t get lost in the chaos. It takes pretending to care even when I honestly don’t.Because at the end of the day people are going to hurt us. They’re going to give us reasons to be angry. The trick is to love them anyway. At all costs.#advancedsoul #diariespodcastGranted I do, too, at times but somewhere along the way I was clued into thinking about you guys, too. Your wants, your needs, your feelings before letting what I want become too much of a priority. ↑Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Sep 29, 2018 at 11:43 am CDT· podcast published: Mar 15, 2019 at 1:45 pm CDTI’m sitting in the McDonalds on State Street in Geneva. Because Egg McMuffins.This is also the place where Maggie’s mom and I told Maggie that we were getting divorced. It was the most painful conversation I’ve ever had. The most painful day ever. Watching her little nine year old face panic as the conversation unfolded.It wasn’t a long conversation but it lasted forever to me.A therapist said to do it in public so the hurt would live outside the home. Sometimes breakups really better are in public. Sometimes it's the better way out.And as we were driving back home, the three of us, I thought to myself, “I’m never going to that fucking place again.”But here I am. Cuppa years later.Because one of the best things I learned was to “give it some time.”For as long as it takes. Don’t make up your mind. Just put it down. Don’t rush healing. Don't rush the feeling. Let the pain fade. It will if we don’t force its end.#photos #protip #diariespodcastIrene· Sep 29, 2018 at 12:14 pmThat’s an interesting theory about a public place. I had never ever heard that before. I guess it would really just depend on all the people involved as to whether or not you wanted that displayed in a public place… Definitely food for thoughtful! Time has a way of healing everything Irene· Sep 29, 2018 at 12:16 pmI know I messed up I meant food for thought! tcr!· Sep 29, 2018 at 12:40 pmI knew what you meant 😊 Irene· Sep 29, 2018 at 12:51 pmFigured you would, but who knows what anyone else would think 😊 Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Sep 28, 2018 at 8:54 am CDT· podcast published: Mar 14, 2019 at 9:05 am CDTAnd then when you’re walking down the stairs you say “fuck those guys” but there are no guys there?And then when you’re standing in the kitchen getting your lunch ready you see a teeny purple flower on the floor and say “get the fuck out of here” and kick it under the stove?And then Alexa plays Kiss Me Deadly and then you think to yourself “Why does Ozzy get to hold heaven in the palm of his hand? Fuck that.”And then when you’re driving to work your phone vibrates in your pocket so you pull it out and see it’s an email from Amazon Prime Video. They’re canceling your Comic-Con HQ Subscription because the channel is no longer available. And then you say “I don’t give a fuck about that. I never did.”And then when you're sitting at your work desk pondering all the fucks you’ve said before 9AM this very morning, you remember that not all the stories end with a spiritual revelation.Happy Friday, peeps!! 🙄#thestruggleisreal #diariespodcasttism· Sep 28, 2018 at 9:49 amYou’ve given the balance of your fucks away before noon!!!! tcr!· Sep 28, 2018 at 10:57 amI know!! I’ll always keep a reserve though. Because there are some days when everything is exaggeratedly terrible. tism· Sep 28, 2018 at 11:09 amYou so smart. :-) Karly· Sep 28, 2018 at 10:17 amSo if you gave a “fuck that” for each thing in your morning to emulate that you had zero fucks to give…..did you really give zero fucks? I feel like this needs a mathematical theory written about it. tcr!· Sep 28, 2018 at 10:55 amYep. I can’t say “zero fucks given” though, that’s somebody else’s mantra. But yeah, your equations line up. Meicher· Sep 28, 2018 at 1:09 pm Mitchell· Sep 28, 2018 at 7:03 pmOmg can so relate just one of them days is how I look at it chrisrich· Sep 29, 2018 at 4:26 pmIs “Fuck that” a prayer? I want to think a sponsor told me that but maybe…… i just wish a sponsor told me that. tcr!· Sep 30, 2018 at 8:42 amIt’s definitely a prayer. A “letting go” kinda prayer generally reserved for cloudy days. chrisrich· Sep 30, 2018 at 9:14 amOk I’m running with that!!!! Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Sep 21, 2018 at 5:06 pm CDT· podcast published: Mar 12, 2019 at 11:00 am CDTGuys, I just witnessed a heated couples exchange inside one of our local Walgreens.A man was outright denying his wife of her Friday snacks because apparently she “already had her daily allotment of cheese puffs.”She then retorted or snorted, “Oh no, I’m a get my cheese puffs” with the bitterness you’d expect of dreams shattered in full view of the other drugstore patrons.I can see both sides really. I mean they sell a 20 ounce plastic tumbler of them (Market Pantry brand) at SuperTarget so they must be good. On the other hand... Well, I can’t think of another hand. I can’t come up with one good valid reason to deprive your girl of cheese puffs if she wants cheese puffs. You won’t get lucky tonight withholding their fluffy orange texture.Anyways, I thought for sure she was gonna hook his leg with her cane and send him to the floor in a crumpled heap of senior citizen. I’m sure it wouldn’t be the first time.I grabbed my receipt from the cashier and made my least hasty exit. The couple then disappeared down the food + drinks aisle so I have no finale for this yarn. Sorry.And now as I sit in the Walgreens parking lot on the corner of State Street and wherever I am, I’m enjoying these sweet, first, few drinks of this refreshing can (16 ounce) of Coca-Cola. It’s not the good stuff that the aforementioned SuperTarget imports from Mexico but it’ll do on this Friday afternoon.Anyways 2, happy weekend everybody. I hope this is your best one yet.#photos #snacks #soda #diariespodcastahrens· Sep 21, 2018 at 6:04 pmWhat’s up with the branch with leaves on it in your car? 😉 tcr!· Sep 21, 2018 at 6:12 pmI got it at the second Nightmare on Chicago Street I ever went to up in Elgin. It was laying on the ground in its own crumpled heap of plastic greenery as I was making yet another of my least hasty exits. When I got back to my truck I stuck it into my cigarette lighter outlet thing and it’s lived there ever since… 🌿 tcr!· Sep 21, 2018 at 6:41 pmWAIT. That’s a lie. It’s not in the cigarette lighter outlet. It’s in the keyhole next to it that controls the airbags!I didn’t want to run the risk that this garden-variety plastic ivy one would find at your neighborhood Joann’s art and craft store would catch fire.In related news… One time I put my truck key in the keyhole, hoping it would open the door way to Narnia. But alas there was no such transportation reward. Only shed tears in the salty realization that I would indeed have to go to work. 😢 ahrens· Sep 21, 2018 at 7:14 pmThank you for your honesty. My first thought was maybe it was eucalyptus and you had a koala bear. That would be pretty rad. Please know, I do not judge a man’s greenery he keeps in his car. McIntyre 13· Sep 21, 2018 at 10:37 pmThis thread makes me smile. 😁 Or maybe it’s just my muscle relaxant kicking in. Either way thanks for the laugh guys tcr!· Sep 22, 2018 at 8:29 amMy two cents but the koala ain’t a stranger to muscle relaxants. Shari H· Sep 21, 2018 at 6:16 pmLook…if you’re gonna feed us interesting tidbits on conversations overheard. You’re gonna hafta stick around for the ending. You’re public depends on you! Roda· Sep 21, 2018 at 6:18 pmMFer, don’t mess with my comfort food after a hard day on a Friday. Redmondton· Sep 21, 2018 at 6:41 pmPint can legit, strong work Murisa DM· Sep 21, 2018 at 7:43 pmAre you an author? You should write a book… your stores are so funny and so well written. tcr!· Sep 21, 2018 at 9:04 pmI regularly submit my stuff to publishers, etc. but so far nobody’s been interested. 🙄 Finkler· Sep 21, 2018 at 10:24 pmI loved this!!We do love our cheese puffs tho.. Pad Nevin· Sep 21, 2018 at 11:02 pmLiterally clicked the comment section just to ask this question. Past few posts I read are the most simplest interactions that can and likely happen daily and you make it interesting to read. tcr!· Sep 22, 2018 at 8:11 amThank you! tcr!· Sep 22, 2018 at 8:34 amI write more serious stuff, too. ahrens· Sep 21, 2018 at 8:00 pmWalgreens is always located at the corner of HAPPY and HEALTHY, not State and “whatever” tcr!· Sep 22, 2018 at 8:27 amI don’t know. I go into the St. Charles’ Walgreens on the corner of Main Street and Sweet Tomatoes a couple times a week and there’s one cashier that’s borderline anti-happy.Seriously, she asks for my Walgreens Rewards card each and every visit regardless of how many times I’ve said, “Listen shopping gestapo, you’re not tracking how many sodas I buy in the name of steep discounts and customer perks!”Well, my wit’s not that quick in public or under Freddie’s pressure so that’s what I like to think I’ll say the next time I’m standing in her aisle as she’s questioning the cards in my wallet and reviewing a 3” ecig box with a scrupulous monocle, flipping the box over and over again looking for the 2” barcode.It’s on the fracking back where 90% of the barcodes in the world are!!! ahrens· Sep 22, 2018 at 8:14 amOk. First, Henry is my homie. He is so nice. Next, ecigs are bad news. When you know better, you do better. You have one set of lungs, take care of them. Finally, I use my bucks on Cheetos 😂 Mustari Jones· Sep 22, 2018 at 8:27 amahrens, you are friggin killing me. 😂🤣 Mustari Jones· Sep 22, 2018 at 8:29 amThis is LITERALLY the best thing on the internet this weekend. ahrens· Sep 22, 2018 at 8:34 amThis is such a deep conversation, right? Love it. ahrens· Sep 22, 2018 at 8:44 amPerhaps Walgreens is not your scene. For all of the times I have entered my rewards number, I have yet to be rewarded. CVS is where it’s at. Once you get over the fact that your receipt is as long as 3 football fields, you realize you win the lotto during every shopping experience. I earn all of these bucks for whatever reason and I just roll with it. Some people are addicted to crack and/or bath salts but CVS is my weakness. tcr!· Sep 22, 2018 at 3:38 pmThere’s this dude named Henry that works at the CVS close to my house. He’s worked there ever since I moved to my neighborhood back in the 00s. He, too, asks for my CVS card every time I see him. Even if we’re not in CVS. One time I was out feeding homeless children on the upper west side on a sunny Saturday, not unlike today. Henry pulled up, in what I assume to be his blue BMW and Keanu shades, and said, “CVS card…” in his oh so cool Nigerian accent.I might spring for a CVS card if they sold ecig paraphernalia by the pound but they seem to be anti-nicotine these days. And then they got those midget shopping carts that people still insist on filling up like their at Costco on Randall.Regardless, the real question is what do you do with all your earned bucks? Do they automagically discount your next receipt when you go in? ns kraut· Sep 21, 2018 at 9:52 pmThat will be me and my husband in 30 years. He already tells me i can’t get more cheese its. I need a cane… tcr!· Sep 22, 2018 at 8:14 amYou could probably buy one at Walgreens. If not, Riley Drug (also on State Street and whatever) carries them. I’ve tried their canes out. Clean finish, solid construction, helpful staff. Steer Steerup· Sep 23, 2018 at 9:15 amShe’s diabetic and shouldn’t have carbs. He cares about her. Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Sep 21, 2018 at 11:23 am CDT· podcast published: Mar 10, 2019 at 10:33 am CDTLooking for reasons why things would fail used to be a big part of my day.I devoted hours to it. Always poking around under the hood for clues to prove that whoever I’d gotten close to was up to no good. That I was going to get hurt. That people were evil.Reviewing all the data at frequent intervals.If that all sounds dumb it’s because it was.I didn’t trust people or the cosmos. I knew the fingerprints were somewhere, I just had to find them. Keep dusting, keep analyzing. Always teetering on the brink of crazy.Where is the evidence?When I didn’t find any, it didn’t matter. I knew something was there somewhere. I just had to keep looking. Patiently waiting for some unspoken testimony because sooner or later I’d get a confirmation, a conviction, and then all my doubts and nightmares would come true.And then if I did get absolute confirmation that there was indeed absolutely nothing going on, I couldn’t even relax with the sound judgement that everything was good. I was too battle-exhausted from my search. I was too shaken by the possibility that it could happen, that I could find something.I needed to stop looking for proof. Do you know what happened when I did look? I made the very people who loved me crazy. I pushed them away until they left.I’m divorced twice. It’s a real thing that we bring what we most fear into our lives by being absurdly afraid of it.Looking at my case files it's pretty clear now that it was never about the other person or what they were doing. It was about me and my insecurities. I needed to “quit” all the scrutiny if I wanted to have a healthy, peaceful connection with another person.With Sara, I still keep a close eye on things but in this very moment I look for proof why things *will* work. Reverse the numbers and flip the math. Cherish the very reasons why love wins. Embrace what flows freely when I be my best self.And then all my hopes and dreams come true.#lettherebehope #relationships #diariespodcasttism· Sep 21, 2018 at 11:43 amThat is a very hard thing to do. Congrats to you sir. :-) tcr!· Sep 21, 2018 at 12:05 pmYep. Dealing with my insecurities was the hard part for me. After that then the search for clues wasn’t important. 😊 jimi hindrance experience· Sep 21, 2018 at 12:16 pmYou deserve this. Unreasonable Happiness is your birthright. Claim it. jimi hindrance experience· Sep 21, 2018 at 12:17 pmWho’s the critter in the frame? tcr!· Sep 21, 2018 at 1:06 pmI believe it to be a praying mantis but usually I don’t know what I’m talking about. sprout· Sep 21, 2018 at 1:55 pmThis rings very true for me, as it most likely does for many. Especially those of us who come from a world of using and abusing, there is often more hurt, abuse, betrayal than not. But growing older and learning to trust your partner… that’s actually a way of trusting yourself. And that has been the hardest part for me. Thank you for sharing this. It gives me some things to reflect upon and appreciate today. tcr!· Sep 21, 2018 at 2:44 pm> there is often more hurt, abuse, betrayal than notFor sure. There’s a reason why we are the way we are. I also believe that you can trust yoruself. There’s nothing but good inside you. 😊 Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Apr 17, 2018 at 7:26 pm CDT· podcast published: Mar 8, 2019 at 8:58 am CDTI haven’t been writing as much because I’ve been struggling with my nicotine addiction. All sorts of things happen and don’t happen when I try to quit.Sometimes I’ll spout off something about quitting on social media or whatever but lately I’ve just been keeping my struggles to myself. Because unless somebody was a daily smoker for over 30 years, they don’t really get it. I know people are trying to help but move along. Sometimes we just need to vent.And then vaping made my addiction even worse because I could do it anywhere at anytime. I would vape at Maggie’s school during her recitals and in team meetings at work, too. I would use my vapor in the dentist’s restroom before I went in to see them.When I go into withdrawal my ears will ring. Ring to the point that I can hear them in the next room. My head will start to hurt. Like I have a vice slowly squeezing my temples. It’s not a sharp pain but dull and warm and oh so intense. And when it’s really bad I’ll start to get lightheaded. Like I’m going to fall over. Detox always makes my stomach bloated and gurgly regardless of which drug it is. My intestines will fill with witches brew and putrid toxins.I’ve not been sleeping that great at night which makes it hard for me to concentrate throughout the day. Concentrate on writing or whatever. And then because I’m tired I drink more caffeine. In the early evening when I’m dragging both feet I'll make a couple cups of coffee because I’m missing my old smoking friend. I’ll jump from one drug to another. Trade this addiction for that one. I didn’t realize I was even doing it at first with the coffees because when you’re a drug addict the addiction is sneaky and silent.I've quit smoking probably 20 times and generally end up smoking again because the physical pain gets to be too much. And I know that if I smoke or vape or whatever all that pain goes away.And then I stopped this morning and bought a pack cigarettes because the hellfire withdrawal had been kicking my ass for the better part of two days. I’ll do that every now and then, buy a pack, smoke one or two and then throw the unsmoked away.I never tell anyone when I buy a pack of cigarettes because everybody is always disappointed. Because I’m the poster child for success or something....It was snowing this morning. In the middle of April. And as I was standing outside the gas station smoking, a guy came up to me and asked for a cigarette. He had to be at least 20 years younger and wasn't wearing a winter coat. He was missing half of his index and middle fingers on one hand. He had a plastic grocery sack full of things he hadn’t bought recently.He seemed reluctant to ask me for a smoke but he still did because nicotine is a powerful bitch. I gave him three cigarettes and he was more than grateful. I could see the look of relief on his face. I treated him with dignity and respect because all people deserve that no matter where they are in life. No matter what really.He reminded me of my 19 year old self when I lived in Cedar Rapids with one of my brothers. No job, no money, and desperately needing something to fill my soul. Standing in the morning snowfall regardless of the cold, feeding my addictions however I could.Somehow I made it out of that era with all my fingers and toes attached. But I easily couldn't have. Somehow I made it out of that life alive and now have my own house, a career, beautiful daughters, a gorgeous girlfriend, and all that.Somehow I made it over the hump and to the place where I have a choice in life.Driving away I wish I would’ve given him the whole pack. I wanted to tell him that he could make it out, too. Make it out of whatever place he was in. That life is bigger than where your next cigarette comes from.But I didn’t think about any of that until I was driving away. Plus, I’m suspicious by default.Anyways, never underestimate the impact you have on people, especially strangers.#confessional #smokersunite #diariespodcastAdd a comment!  View original  

Content published: Mar 7, 2019 at 7:00 pm CDT· podcast published: Mar 8, 2019 at 7:52 am CDTI've been writing and recording music for close to 30 years. This is the latest track. You should listen to it with headphones.The words below are various thoughts I've had and one-liners I've collected over the last year. They seem to go hand in hand with the audio. We can't be a fruity butterfly all the time.Intolerant. Not verbally just mentally.Disenfranchised. Disenchanted. Disillusioned.All fabulous words.Inadequate to my own hopes.Approval makes us do things we wish we wouldn’t have done.There’s no punchline. It’s all set up and no delivery. Just like my life. Everything is terrible.If you don’t confront your feelings they will confront you.—Leonard SnartDon't take yourself too seriously.Here's the big secret: nobody's happy.#diariespodcast #diariesvideo #allislostAdd a comment!  View original