tcr! diaries - podcast

Content published: Mar 3, 2017 at 12:30 pm CDT· podcast published: Jun 21, 2019 at 10:30 am CDTTime goes by and we move on and people come in and out of our lives and then we try hard to remember them when everything's quiet but the memories fade and we're only left with glimpses and fractures of what was and reminders that nothing is ever permanent, not even the here and now.Also: be somebody's hero today. 😉#timeisirrelevant #diariespodcastAdd a comment!  View original  

Content published: Mar 23, 2017 at 8:17 am CDT· podcast published: May 25, 2019 at 12:30 pm CDTI have back and forth feelings of whether alcoholism is an actual disease like hepatitis or something. I guess at the end of the day it doesn't matter to me, doesn't change that my soul was sick. Emotionally distraught to the point it was affecting everything from my sleeping to my shitting to my relationships with Maggie and my cats. You that know me personally know my story.Did you ever see Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield? It's from the mid 80s, light hearted, goofy, classic Dangerfield.There's a scene where he's arguing with his professor about selling widgets. Dangerfield gets hung up on what exactly a widget is and the professor exasperated finally says...It's a fictional product, it doesn't matter.That's a powerful train of thought for me. Sometimes I can get hung up on wanting to debate a topic and often it's because I'm wanting to deflect looking at my own issues. I resist so I don't need to peer inward.When I'm deflecting I need to remember to self-critique. Maybe there's something I'm avoiding. And if so, the debate "doesn't matter."It's weird how I remember these lines from movies and they graft themselves into, make up part of my spiritual being. 😉Anyways. Is alcoholism a true medical disease? I don't care. What I do care about, what does matter is that I can't drink responsibly. I drink irresponsibly to the point of excess. I get frantic when I don't drink. It becomes the only thing I care about. Above all else. That's what does matter.Also, as a last thing. I do think it's a proper medical illness. The way alcoholics are utterly consumed by the cravings and will drink to literal death, well that's just not a lack of willpower.#alcoholism #healthnews #protip #diariespodcastzumpknows· Mar 23, 2017 at 9:44 amThis may have been a stumbling block for me when I was trying to bargain with alcohol, but there was no doubt that it was an addiction. Maybe it was a selective addiction, but it was my addiction to battle. And the battle became easier once I surrendered. coolcrosby· Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pmI agree that alcoholism is a disease; moreover, and more importantly all the overwhelming scientific and medical consensus is that alcoholism is a disease. SOmuch2learn· Mar 23, 2017 at 3:47 pmI agree that alcoholism is a disease. It helped me understand and accept my alcoholism after I read Under the Influence by Ketcham and Milam. gafflebitters· Mar 23, 2017 at 12:22 pmThanks for this post, I agree with you and I have similar movie experiences. LokiGrue· Mar 23, 2017 at 3:54 pmAs the long suffering spouse of an Alcoholic, I am sick of the “It’s a disease” mantra—it’s an excuse to not make the fucking choice to stop fucking drinking.It’s a “Disease” so it can get an ICD-10 Code, and people can get Insurance paying for treatment. Follow the fucking money.I’m sorry. She’s relapsing and I am tired of the excuses. LokiGrue· Mar 23, 2017 at 12:28 pmThe “disease” is just an excuse, not a reason. Are you getting help for yourself by going to Alanon?I don’t do “Higher Powers.” SOmuch2learn· Mar 23, 2017 at 4:40 pmI don’t do “god” either. I’m an atheist but found both AA and Alanon very helpful. I just let the stuff that doesn’t apply to me slide off—I wear a teflon shield.I am very sorry about your wife. Alcoholism is heartbreaking. I would have gone crazy without the support I gained from Alanon. Anonymous· Mar 23, 2017 at 5:43 pmI am sorry your wife is relapsing. Do you really, really feel that she is ‘chosing’ to drink over you/your family?It may help to understand what is going on in her brain…. what makes her different…. why she struggles to not relapse….This short 3 minute video should give you a little more insight, and (I very much hope!) something to understand and then work together to get help with.http://lundbeck.com/global/brain-disorders/disease-areas/other-diseases/alcohol-dependenceIt is not her fault that she has developed this condition, but it IS her choice to find something that helps her to move forwards. LokiGrue· Mar 23, 2017 at 6:02 pmI’m sick of this shit. Thankfully we’ve no children. She knows that I’ve drawn a line in the sand: She has two choices: Continue to drink and be served with Divorce papers, or not drink and we will stay married.She keeps whining “it’s not that simple!” Yes, it is actually. It may not be easy, but it is simple. And I have had enough. Another drink=Divorce. tcr!· Mar 23, 2017 at 6:11 pmYa, I don’t blame you. Living with an alcoholic gets old real quick. And then nothing ever changes no matter how much we plead and beg and threaten. Just take care you and let your wife take care of herself. Just my 2 cents. :) Anonymous· Mar 23, 2017 at 6:22 pmYour decision to make of course, but I think sadly…. at some point, whether in the near or distant future… you will be serving those divorce papers. Without help, it is extremely unlikely that she will be able to refrain from drinking for any meaningful length of time.All the medical evidence demonstrates that her brain has been altered by repeated alcohol use. The pathway in her brain that associates alcohol = reward is stronger than all the others.Whilst you may chose not to believe it, and to maintain that she has a choice in the matter, that doesn’t make it any less true. You are correct, it is not easy. But she is also correct, it isn’t that simple.Once someone has become alcohol dependent, it is NOT a choice any longer. stankost· Mar 25, 2017 at 6:11 pmI think you have a valid point, it was a “personality disorder” few years ago,now it is a “disease”, but ICD had qualified “homosexuality” as mental illness in the past, but today you will be crucified for such statement, so I am also not convinced that alcoholism is a disease (it can lead to a bunch of medical problems of course). However, it is not easy for an alcoholic “just not to drink”. Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CDT· podcast published: Apr 29, 2019 at 2:00 pm CDTAfter all my moaning my 2018 diaries book is now ready to be put in your shopping carts. If you have an unfulfilled diaries magazine subscription don’t buy the book. Your paperback will be in the mail soon.The ones available here on the site are autographed, too. Paperback and Kindle editions are available on Amazon, non-autographed of course.You should buy my book. And then tell your friends about it. And share it on social media, as you do. And then leave an Amazon review. I know that’s asking a lot but it would mean the world to me and I’d be eternally grateful. 💙 Sharing and reviews really do help.It’d be really cool if I could just do my writing (both spiritual and ridiculous) and earn a living doing such. As it is now, I do both when I have time. I hate making room for those things that are truly important. I just want to do those things that absolutely make truly my heart sing all the fucking time.I have at least 15 pieces that I’ve started writing but haven’t had the chance to finish. I have to feel what I’m writing or else the words come across like a piece of shit. And the writing zone isn’t something I can just turn on when I have 15 minutes to spare.And then I have at least 50 podcast episodes I could record but again, I have to be in the mood. Otherwise the words come out of my mouth like I’m an uncaring automaton.Anyways, I’ll quit bemoaning. Go buy my book. 😊Peace out, death to dogmas.#diariesbook #diariespodcast #forsale Get the diaries for 2018 booktcr!· Apr 29, 2019 at 2:37 pmPS- The cover only went through four progressions. Sara vetoed the first cover straight away… 😊 Hater McGhray· Apr 29, 2019 at 2:54 pmSara was right. tcr!· Apr 29, 2019 at 6:51 pmAbsolutely right. She usually is 😊 JJania· Apr 29, 2019 at 2:56 pmI’ll be getting my paperback Wednesday. tcr!· Apr 29, 2019 at 5:21 pmYay! Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 17, 2018 at 7:35 pm CDT· podcast published: Apr 19, 2019 at 10:00 am CDTIf I’m feeling the same way a few days later about something I need to make peace with it. Or not.It’s true that the only thing I have to do with my feelings is feel them but sometimes they linger. They don’t resolve. And then I have to do something. I need to take action.Often times that action is just accepting whatever happened that caused my unrest to begin with. If the situation involved another person, for example, how would I act around them if it didn’t happen at all?That’s how I accept things. It’s not hard once I decide that I want to move forward in life. Regardless of where my feelings are at.Acting differently than how I feel isn’t denying my feelings or pretending whatever didn’t happened. It’s me deciding that I’m done with all that and am going to move on even if my heart is telling me something else.It’s not usual when the only closure I get is accepting that I won’t get resolution. That’s a realization I get to in my head because feelings can be icky and sticky.Like watching somebody leave when I want them to stay. I give them a hug and a kiss on the cheek, watch them get into the car and drive down the street. My heart twists as the taillights drive away. The physical bond between us stretches and dissolves as the car gets smaller.To the left. Around a bend. Disappear. Gone is gone.I turn and hobble up the sidewalk, the fallen leaves are too coincidental. The chilly air a nuisance, the gray sky unwanted.Inside the tears drip down like droplets over the outside of a boiling pot. Steam on the lid and mist in my eyes making it too hard to see what’s inside. Everything’s overflowing. Everything’s too much.The house isn’t empty but I’d rather be by myself. Alone I turn off the stove and the pot and the water start to cool. Just a minute ago the somebody was there and now I only have a fading memory.Okay stop. Enough with the melodrama.There was never a stove. Nor a boiling pot.Feelings are beautiful, magical things and experiencing them makes us whole human beings. They’re the yin to the intellect’s yan.But they don’t run the show and allowing them to will only end up making life miserable.#advancedsoul #diariespodcastRichard· Oct 19, 2018 at 5:18 amNice.Got it. Thanks. marney0160· Oct 20, 2018 at 9:04 amNice! Thanks for the reminder… Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 14, 2018 at 10:09 am CDT· podcast published: Apr 18, 2019 at 7:30 am CDTSometimes I’ll got out on a culinary limb. A daring yet delectable escapade, laying out loads of cash for adventurous taste combinations that send the conservatives repulsed to the bakeries of safety.For example, in this year of 2018, this month of October, I dropped Candy Apple frosting from Pillsbury into my basket, impromptu style while in the aisles of Blue Goose. A one-handed yet non-acrobatic feat that impressed shoppers clear yonder to the western deli department.Basket maneuvers aside, be aware impulsive and intrigued icing shoppers, concede to my financial frosting fiasco. This cake topping may look moist and delicious on the box but the taste and texture is more akin to sweet, fluffy lipstick.There may be a market for apple red lipstick for the baked cakes but I'm not included in it.One might ask how I know what lipstick tastes like. That would be a very good question to ask.🍰💄🤔 #photos #allislost #diariespodcastMomma J· Oct 14, 2018 at 11:23 pmIt looks nasty! tcr!· Oct 15, 2018 at 10:12 amI thought it looked delicious! Like a thick, fire engine red pillowy pudding. Kelly K· Oct 15, 2018 at 6:26 amFantastic review! Wish I had been there to see the basket drop. tcr!· Oct 15, 2018 at 10:14 amUsually I’m in Blue Goose once a week. Perhaps our grocery paths will cross one day. Kelly K· Oct 15, 2018 at 5:18 pmI can only hope! Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 11, 2018 at 11:27 am CDT· podcast published: Apr 14, 2019 at 6:10 pm CDTI have ideas all the time, things I wanna do around the house or to my truck, or books I wanna write or pictures I wanna take. If it’s a really good idea I’ll get excited about it. If I’m really excited with my idea, I’ll actually do it. If I have other things going on, I’ll adjust my schedule to turn my idea into a real thing.If I can’t budge my schedule because I have other priorities, then I forget about my idea. I don’t write it down. I’ll just let it die in my head. Because if my idea is really good I’ll have the same idea again. If my idea wasn’t that good, it probably deserves to fade away.When my ideas die, I don’t feed bad or feel like I’m not enough. I don’t get discouraged because I don’t have the time or whatever. I just let the ideas go. I can’t do everything I ever wanted and that’s okay.And that one idea, if I didn’t have enough passion or drive to make it happen, isn’t going to change the world anyway. It’s not gonna make me a whole person nor is it gonna be a silver bullet to end world hunger or a golden chalice to bring about world peace.I may have read the gist of all of this somewhere else. I can’t remember. But letting ideas go is an idea I had (mine or not) that's worth sharing.#protip #diariespodcastjimi hindrance experience· Oct 11, 2018 at 4:30 pmSnoopy is a catch-all for me because he’s so cool. And this image in particular, he’s just Joe Cool. Shit eating grin and zero given. That’s “why Snoopy?” Add a comment!  View original  

Content published: Apr 6, 2019 at 1:20 pm CDT· podcast published: Apr 6, 2019 at 1:20 pm CDTPlease enjoy a song I recorded sometime in the late 90s, maybe 1998. Of course I wrote all the lyrics and music and played all the instruments. Because that's what you do when you're me.The additional vocals/voices are messages left on my home answering machine. When those were a thing.You are not a slave.You are not a fucking slave.2486 5017-6 18509 55To accept the charges press 1 now.The more I am made to feel leashed and shaved,the less I am enticed by the dull warmth.Radiating your cage, butterflying lice.Radiation your face, acne price.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.You might scare people with that message.It was a good ‘un. Wouldn’t scare no body.The more I am tricked by grandpa thoughts and fleshed bricks,the less I am willing to forgive the scars.Wound to lick, skinned up bars,human ticks, candy jars,control fix, dysfunction par.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.You are not a slave.K, you’re aren’t very commercial but that’s okay.Fuck commercialization.Fuck the diabolic clown cauldron, alright.You are not a slave.You might scare people with that message.But you are not fucking a slave.It was a good ‘un. Wouldn’t scare no body.To accept the charges press 1 now.So does your whore.The more I am molded with foil and Christmas coal,the less I am ready for hot pocket guilt.Redundant scolds, nasal silk,50s hold, pinball tilt,coward bold, razor built,heart of mold, blood of milk.Touch. Punch. Fuck.Touch me now. Punch me now. Fuck me now.I am cold.But you are not fucking a slave.Alias: grahm sextonTitle: FMN#tcrmusic #diariespodcastAdd a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 10, 2018 at 12:30 pm CDT· podcast published: Apr 5, 2019 at 3:15 pm CDTYears ago I used to work with this client, aliased Jack, who would continually get on my nerves. He wasn’t a bad guy but every now and then he would email[1] me a question, looking for an answer to something we’d been over and over again.I would read his email and think, “Why the fuck are you asking me this? We’ve already talked about it. More than once. I got better shit to do than repeat myself. For the third time.”I saw the email conversations as nothing but ridiculous.No, the world’s not gonna blow up if you click that button. If it could blow up, my annoying little friend, you wouldn’t be able to see the button, let alone click the fucking button.Obviously customer service doesn’t run in my blood. I like talking with my friends and family but I’m not a big fan of talking to people when I “have to.” By and large there’s little interest in me to hand out warm fuzzies to the clients. I like to write code at work, not give hugs.So back to Jack.I was thinking about him this morning because thoughts come and go, as they do. He was a nervous, jittery guy. Anxious pretty much every time I spoke with him. He would often get five steps ahead of me when we were reviewing his projects and I’d be like, “dude, slow down.” I would actually call him “dude” which is my polite way of saying “you moron.”But time equals clarity and so I tend to think with those calls and emails what he was after was reassurance. He was looking to be comforted in someway if you will. Don’t make that weird because it’s not. But maybe he was homosexual, I don’t know.[2]I doubt if him wanting a professional “hug” was a front-burner thought. It’s not unusual for people to create little messes in their mind, get themselves all worked up and bent out of shape, and then lean on somebody they trust. Someone who’ll tell them it’s okay, that everything’s fine. Someone who'll offer solutions to their problems.And then life can be right for a moment.I don’t know for sure that’s what was up with Jack but it’s what I’m inclined to think.Being in touch with what other people are feeling or needing is not something that comes naturally to me. I’m a man, not an empath. I have to consciously pay attention to those around me or else I’ll be content in my own imaginary land of Hobbitses and/or Synthetics.That will sometimes get me in trouble, too.Here's a quote by David F. Swink:Having poor empathy skills can lead to serious consequences. It can lead to conflict born of misunderstanding. Without it we can feel lonely within a relationship. Lack of empathy can cause companies to make catastrophic blunders that alienate their customers or employees and it can even incite violence.[3]Hopefully I’ve never incited violence. I do have the occasion thought of hitting someone on the head with a hammer though.[4]Thinking about Jack in the here and now it’s easier to see where his antics were coming from, hindsight being 20/20 and all that. There’s nothing I can do about that relationship now but I can maybe carry a little extra empathy into my present day interactions with Jill, aliased of course.Last paragraph: sometimes we make amends to someone by being a little bit nicer to the next guy.He stopped calling me once he figured out I always sent him to voicemail. ↑I was being silly just then. ↑Source: I Don't Feel Your Pain: Overcoming Roadblocks to Empathy. ↑Again, I was being silly. ↑#advancedsoul #relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment!  View original  

Content published: Jul 18, 2017 at 7:47 am CDT· podcast published: Apr 3, 2019 at 8:55 pm CDTOne time she asked me in a hostile voice: what did you expect was going to happen?It was rhetorical and stunning like a conversational taser. I had no counter, no retort.My behaviors and their followup consequences weren’t relevant when we started talking. Emotionally blinded and tunneling with rage on the pain she’d dealt me and not the pain I'd dealt her. Hers was the most recent and according to my Truxion Manual the last person to hurt somebody is what you talk about.Sitting where I am now years later I don't blame her. For a good many things. Looking back I now expect her to act just like she did.#relationships #diariespodcastAdd a comment!  View original  

Content published: Oct 9, 2018 at 9:52 am CDT· podcast published: Mar 26, 2019 at 8:50 pm CDTSome time over the weekend I had a dream that it was Wednesday after work and the robot vacuum hadn't done his scheduled cleaning. And then I was crushed and frustrated, defeated and agitated, almost to the brink of tears.Another substantiated claim that I don't deserve nice things.It was worse when I was drinking, that train of thought. I’d like to say it surprises me that I still have that thought but it doesn’t.Really though it’s not about deserving as much as “can’t have nice things.” Because I’ll put myself in impossible situations. Where I’ll never win.It’s a dysfunctional pattern carried from when I was a teenager or something. Which leads into the struggles of a life inherited. From a previous life. More realistically it’s probably from my genetics. Family of origin stuff, a television spin off.Desperately pleading that things would get better. But they won’t. They can’t. I stay in those situations because I’ve dug a hole. It’s pretty much impossible to get out. I don’t know how to do anything else.And we don’t find nice things in holes. They don’t have them.After spending over a decade in a hole it becomes familiar and comfortable. I can distract myself with my imagination, satisfy myself with make-believe. I can put a nice rug here and maybe a lamp over there.Sometimes I strive and strain to climb out. But it just doesn’t work. And then I give up. Yet again. It’s easier just to give up, accept that everything’s terrible. Because this is just how it’s going to be.Obviously I don’t feel spiritual every day. And then I flounder around for a day or two. Maybe a week. Read a spiritual book. Go to a meeting. Hear something that puts me back on track. Points me again in the right direction.How I feel is not who I am.God’s got a bigger plan. Maybe I’m not supposed to have nice things right now.Keep the faith, peeps. Let go absolutely.#allislost #advancedsoul #diariespodcast #nicethingsAdd a comment!  View original