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Joyfully Married After

Author: Heath and Tracy

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Joyfully Married After with Heath and Tracy is a weekly podcast discussing relationships, specializing in premarital preparedness and inter-marital improvement. We want you Joyfully Married After everything.Heath and Tracy are relationship strategists, specializing in premarital preparedness and improving your marriage. We want our listeners married and motivated.We'll discuss our journey with sex, money, disagreements in marriage, fighting fair when you have disagreements in marriage. We'll also cover things like improving communication, how to handle trust issues in marriage and learn how to avoid divorce.Since we have four children, expect to hear discussion techniques on keeping your marriage strong despite inevitable disagreements on how to raise the kids and keep life in balance.So if you want to be an awesome mate and how to avoid the minefields in relationships, tune in every week! Don't forget to check out HeathandTracy.com
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The best way to handle money in your MarriageBegin with a plan to move your family and your future in building a legacy.This is the way to solid finances.You want to start with an abundance mindset. Not a scarcity mindset.Be Ok, plan. Watch your spending on the necessities. Rent/Mortgage, Transportation and food. My dad calls it “Food, clothing and shelter. Be Secure. This is where you are going for the 6 months or more savings.Build a Wealth plan. This is when you can have fun. Look for those deals to invest in. Meeting on a regular basis with your partner to go over your Philosophy and what are the goals and objectives you are moving toward. Stop keeping up with the Joneses. This is hard. Why are you buying this? Do you really need it?Overspending. When you use credit, do you pay more than you would if you paid cash. Face the past bad decisions you have made. Lending money to friends and family. Does helping them change their relationship with money? Does it fix their problem? Credit Cards. Build credit with only 2 credit cards. Or are you trying to live beyond your means?  Student Loans- What is it going to really cost you? Figure out how to save your money. Pay yourself first. Talk about money as a couple. Come together. 
Each year Tracy and I go through this exercise to plan our year. We break it up into 2 parts. ( The first 6 months of the year and the second)  Additionally we do this with each of our adult children as well to get them accustomed to reflection and goal setting. If have a business or you’re creating a brand, it’s great to create a calendar for your content creation as well so you have dates and time frame targets to keep you on track... Brainstorm Ideas-Business ideas, personal goals-I will drop 20 lbs by June 1st with a healthy diet and exercise while maintaining weight through December. "I will complete my research and launch my podcast by March 1st." Non-Negotiables- That truck will not sit in the driveway all year this year. It will be gone by January 31st. "I’m not cooking 6 times a week this year." How much will we make this year? I will make $300k this year.  Look Back to Move Forward last year I made $100k. I gained 15 pounds, I got a new job. "I wasn’t as happy as I’ve been in the past or I found myself happier, etc." How will we make money in 2021? "I will earn 150k from my job with salary, commissions and bonuses. I will start a Shopify Store and net 50k. I will learn to do F/B ads and hustle on FiVR to earn $50k or whatever your answers are."
Focus on small acts of kindness. Boosts your mood. Do t be stingy with each other. You need some water? Pay attention to your inner voice that creates distance. Don’t listen to negative/critical voice on your shoulder. No self sabotage with the inner voice. Don’t allow it prevent you from being vulnerable. Be aware of fantasies you may form. An illusion of oneness vs 2 distinct people working together to create a great marriage. “We don’t do this”, “we don’t do that”...instead of honoring differences and celebrating yin and yang; respecting and celebrating differences while working together. Help your partner feel secure. Not all the focus on yourself. Breaks down empathy and understanding. How can I make them feel more secure? Cell phone not in bed? Are they feeling heard? Cutting down social life if she feels threatened by it. Finding the balance of feeling understand and balanced. Willing to be vulnerable. We have a lowering tolerance for love than we think. Feel your sadness and stay vulnerable. Great joy comes with great sadness. It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
The year of exposure. Brought out the best and worst in our relationships. What we loved grew and what we hated grew. Go back to the beginning and remember what drew you to each other. Think about what happened. Don’t play a blame game. Put yourself in their shoes. Communication but start with how not what. What’s the process to get us back to where we were. Focus on the process. Be the bigger person. Be responsible for your emotions. Don’t take it personally. It’s time to be the responsible adult the room. Think present NOT past. That’s easy to find receipts to fuel your arguments. Ask the question what can you do now? Take baby steps and look for small wins and small improvement.  
We are being asked your most pressing questions by Gary Jones of the "Get With the Program" Radio show. 
A key component that threatens trust is fear. Our son’s action earlier this week broke the trust and its primary cause was fear.  Leaving the house without telling us was caused by “ a fear that we’d say no”. A fear of missing out on some perceived fun with a buddy. This action unknowingly broke the trust that was built up over the years. Then avoidance and shame kicked in about what he’d done ✅ and he hid avoiding the consequences and confrontation. This is a great analogy for primary or spousal relationships too. 1.Be open to keep the trust. The person who was lied to gets a pass to ask any questions, check phone, check whatever at anytime. This seems invasive at first but will minimize naturally with time. The person that lost trust needs to let this happen without getting in your feelings or retaliating. 2.Discuss items that bother you or that you’re concerned with. Bring why you are suspicious and what the person vando to alleviate your fear. 3. Talk through issues even if you’re scared or uncomfortable; you’ll be so glad you did. Do this when there is no emotion involved. During basic tasks, cooking, running errands. Or just sitting down with a glass of wine or over dinner to talk thru it. Not being up and throw in the others face but talk thru the issue openly to take trust to the next step. Ask questions and answer them openly and without hesitation. 4.Get help. A coach, a professional, to walk through it with you if necessary. 5.Meet things head on and never hide from the challenges. If you’ve already gone down the wrong road, stop 🛑.  Admit your wrong and work through it.  You can do it. You can push through.
What we’re discussing today.   “I said what I said.”- Rules of Communication Question of the week -  Hey if you are married and your spouse doesn’t tell his family what does that mean for your relationship? Doing it Well -A Sexless Marriage is a vulnerable Marriage    3 Rules of Communication that leads towards connection. Many couples make the mistake of assuming that their problems are due to poor communication.  That is not (or rarely) the case. Why do couples think this? Because someone told them, or they read it in blog… But communication is merely the method of passing information. A pipe-a conduit. But it doesn’t change the information you are moving. The connection is the issue… not communication. When we feel connection to someone we are more willing to hear their point of view. Three rules:   Seek to Understand Focus on the perspective of your partner. Admit any difficulty in understanding or explaining.
In this episode Heath and Tracy discuss 1. Getting your husband or wife back after separation. 2. Question of the week - "My husband is always checking for an Ex on Facebook, Is this a problem?" 3. Doing it Well - Kill the routine. “Inside or Outside?”  Discussing the DO’s of how to save the relationship, we talked about the DON’Ts last week. The first thing we want to say is NO Manipulation. There are many out there that make manipulative suggestions and we don't abide by ANY. It will only lead to destruction. Stay Calm, try not to be reactive. Panic is the enemy. You have to stay calm, even if your partner is not. There is no excuse to not control your emotions. Would you stomp into your boss’s office and yell and scream at them? Probably not, but we do it with our partners all the time. We all choose how we are going to respond. Be Consistent Be Constant Work on Yourself Try not to separate Slowly Reconnect If none of this works you are still in a good place. You've worked on and improved yourself, reconnected with friends and family. Seen a therapist. You thought about what you want out of life, and how to handle crisis. This is good. If you don’t get your marriage back on track it will at least help improve YOUR life. Try and we wish you great success! If you enjoy this episode and it inspired you in some way, We’d love to hear from you and know your biggest takeaway. Take a screenshot of you listening to our show, post it to your Instagram Stories and tag us, @heathtracy or tweet @HeathandTracyTV. We want to invite you to contribute to this podcast. Help us by submitting a question for the Listener Question of the Week edition of Joyfully Married After. All you have to do is click http://bit.ly/VoiceMailtoHeathandTracy HERE and record a question (under 3 minutes or less) that could be featured on an upcoming episode!
What we’re discussing today.  5 Things NOT to do when your partner wants out of the relationship.   Question of the week - "Is it appropriate for a married man to be part of private group chats with other men that share nothing but VERY pornographic/explicit videos and pictures of women?" Doing it Well  - Is it “Hump” day yet? Scheduling Sex    
Two people marry more than each other – they marry a set of circumstances.52 Becoming aware of how their two worlds combine on a practical level is essential to making sure they don’t collide on an emotional level.  Booth, A., Johnson, D., & Edwards, J. (1983)  Social - Financial - Expectations Social- There are four aspects of a couples social world. Friends and Family Support - In- Laws Relationships -Level of Investment - Faith Community Page 49. Financial - Money Style(Spender/Saver) - Budget Skills - Financial Fears - Debt According to a survey by the American Institute of CPAs, more than 27% of people who are married or living with a partner cited money as the topic most likely to cause an argument. That makes it the most volatile topic for couples – far more sensitive than children, careers or friends. Expectations - Roles Perhaps the biggest piece of baggage that a person brings into a marriage is their bundle of expectations. Uncovering these expectations – especially the ones that are rarely articulated or even unconscious – is an instant insight for engaged couples. 
What is WellBeing? It is measuring the psychological health for both individuals + caution flags as well as the emotional health of your marriage together. Why does it matter?Your relationship can only be as healthy as you and your partner.
What we’re discussing today.  5 Marriage Mindsets   Question of the week - He is still on a dating website, but asked me to get off. What should I do? Doing it Well     Top of Mind Mindset of our Relationships - every person brings a mindset to marriage - What they say, think, and believe when it comes to tying the knot. Basically it’s your attitude toward marriage. You already have beliefs, thoughts, feelings and attitudes about the concept of marriage. If you know your marriage mindset it can reveal a wealth of information about you and the future of your relationship. Research reveals that you have one of the five distinct marriage mindsets: Resolute Rational Romantic Restless Reluctant Why should you try to figure out your marriage mindset? By identifying your Marriage mindset you can then compare to your partner’s mindset it can reveal much about the probable course of their marriage.   Doing it Well - Is there a surefire path to her orgasm? https://www.the-generous-husband.com/2017/10/14/sure-fired-path-to-her-orgasm/
If you are doing the following things, you are cheating:If my partner asked me about my chats, comments, and messages to others on social media, do I hide some messages?Do you sometimes like to chat or message ex’s online?Sometimes, instead of going to my partner, Do you share deep emotional or intimate information with others online?Do the above statements apply to you? Spending time with another person outside of your relationship is time spent away from a partner, which is one of the elements that affects judgments of infidelity. The top ways Social Media is driving you apart.Time spent on Social Media is time NOT spent with your partner. Couples spend time on social media, even when they are together.Social Media is the perfect opportunity for you to compare your partner with others.Social Media makes you irritable and annoyed. This is the first sign of addiction.Social Media makes it easier to go beyond what is normally acceptable.Using Social Media to deal with relationship problems instead of facing them head on and talk about them.  
Variety may be the spice for Passionate Life Injecting variety and surprise into even the most stable, seasoned relationship is a good hedge against such temptation. In a classic experiment by Arthur Aron and his colleagues, researchers gave upper-middle-class middle-aged couples a list of activities that both partners agreed were “pleasant” (such as creative cooking, visiting friends, or seeing a movie) or “exciting” (skiing, dancing, or attending concerts) but that they had enjoyed only infrequently. Researchers instructed each couple to select one of these activities each week and spend 90 minutes doing it together. At the end of 10 weeks, the couples who engaged in the “exciting” activities reported greater satisfaction in their marriage than those who tried “pleasant” or enjoyable activities together. Surprise is apparently more satisfying than stability. The realization that your marriage no longer supplies the charge it formerly did is then an invitation: Eschew predictability in favor of discovery, novelty, and opportunities for unpredictable pleasure. “A relationship,” Woody Allen proclaimed in his film Annie Hall, “is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.” A marriage is likely to change shape multiple times over its lifetime; it must be continually rebuilt if it is to thrive. Top of Mind for US What’s the point of getting married? “The point of marriage is not happiness. The point of marriage is growth.” The growth that forces you to confront your weaknesses, insecurities, and fears is exactly what leads to the periods of happiness, trust, connection, passion, and commitment only a small handful of persistent and dedicated couples ever get to experience.   Growth - Something that makes you better. If you don't grow, you don't feel alive.   Question of the week My wife of 14 years doesn’t want to have sex with me. When ever I bring it up we get into an argument and she yells..It’s not her problem. It’s my problem. I feel like she has some leftover resentment from things in the past. What can I do?   Dopest Couple in the World Harry and Meghan - The Duke and Duchess of Sussex   Doing it Well Ladies what does your husband want from you in the bed? Smile Be enthusiastic Be playful Get completely naked Touch him down there Try something new every now and then
What’s next? Navigating Passion to Compassion The good news is that if couples get past that two-year slump and hang on for an another couple of decades, they may well recover the excitement of the honeymoon period—at a most unlikely time: 18 to 20 years later, when their children have typically left home and, with the freedom of the so-called “empty nest,” partners are left to discover one another—and, often, their early bliss—once again.Familiarity may or may not breed contempt, but research suggests that it does breed indifference. Or, as Raymond Chandler wrote: “The first kiss is magic. The second is intimate. The third is routine.” Sonja Lyubomirsky Ph.D.- When love is new, we have the rare capacity to experience great happiness even while being stuck in traffic or getting our teeth cleaned. We are in the throes of what researchers call passionate love, a state of intense longing, desire, and attraction. In time, this love generally morphs into companionate love, a less impassioned blend of deep affection and connection. The reason is that human beings are, as more than 100 studies show, prone to hedonic adaptation, an innate—and measurable—capacity to become habituated or inured to most life changes, positive or negative.There are evolutionary, physiological, and practical reasons why passionate love is unlikely to endure for long. If we obsessed, endlessly, about our partners and had sex with them multiple times a day—every day—we would not be very productive at work or very attentive to our children, our friends, or our health. When married couples reach t
Theme of the month Passion Definition of passion - strong and barely controllable emotion, the suffering and death of Jesus. Being passionate is key to the marriage relationship. You can display passion about your life together, about the one you love, about specific parts of life; however the most important thing you should be passionate about is survival and thrift of the marriage itself. Be locked into what's best for the marriage as your north star and you’ll always be lead to the proper place. In 2003, American and European researchers tracked 1,761 people who got married and stayed married over the course of 15 years. The findings—confirmed by recent research—were clear: Newlyweds enjoy a big happiness boost that lasts, on average, just two years. Then the special joy wears off and they are back where they started, at least in terms of happiness.   Top of Mind for US Nipsey Hussle (And Lauren London) “...I have no words.” -Lauren London   Q&A What advice do you have for my husband and I in this season of marriage, being married 4 years with a child? Came from our #tbt post on IG. Married 4 years and still excited! Believe it or not, we still had PASSION and we were in the first growth phase of our marriage trying to figure out how to buy a house, buy a nice “expensive” car, not work a job and just be rich. We had strong FAITH and were Grateful for our status in life. Also we only had one child and you couldn’t tell us anything!   Dopest Couple in the World-Jason Momoa and Lisa Bonet Doing it Well-Try a sex pillow like a liberator for some fun new spins on sex positions! I’m about to order one! One Minute Word You may think the grass is greener on the other side. But if you take the time to water your own grass, it would be just as green.  
Compassion- A strong feeling of sympathy and sadness for other people’s suffering or bad luck and desire to help. How to rebuild broken trust In any relationship, trust is key. You have to have it. It is foundational.1. If trust is broken, you have to rebuild it. If you don’t, the relationship will probably wither away and die. 2. In order to repair it, you have to be open to keep the trust. Be open to rebuilding the trust in a way that helps the person who the trust was broken with. If you’re the one who was hurt, it’s key for you to compartmentalize your feelings and emotions, so that you can focus as best you can on the exercise of being open in the process of rebuilding the trust. “What does it mean as to how you will engage with each other? Do I need to be able to see into your phone? It’s history? I may ask, “who are you talking with?” Where are you going? I may need to track your phone. You need patience, transparency, understanding, and the conviction to get through the tough, uncomfortable period, while working on it, until things get better. You’re the offender and you have to take your medicine and help the other party feel better.3. Be prepared to talk about the offense, openly and honestly. What were you thinking? Have you thought about how you are going to handle your emotions and not do this again? What were you thinking? How frequently was this happening? What were you getting out of this? 4. Sometimes you may need professional help with navigating reestablishing trust. You may need a counselor, therapist or some type of professional advice to assist in getting back there...5. If there is fear anywhere, it will lead to a misuse of trust. Q&A-Question of the week- Why should you have joint bank accounts when you marry? Dopest Couple in the World-Todd & Kandi (Ace) Doing it Well-Sex is a skill like any other. The more you practice, the better you get... One Minute Word-Compassion is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things.~Thomas Merton
What we’re discussing today. Theme of the Month-Compassion, A top of mind topic for us; Choosing, not just a soulmate for marriage but a good teammate. Answering a burning question from our audience, We’re going to bless you with a one minute word, And even have an adult conversation about getting what you need in the bedroom from your mate. Theme of the month -Compassion- A strong feeling of sympathy and sadness for other people’s suffering or bad luck and desire to help.Empathy- the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. So stop thinking about yourself so much. Six Rules to be a good teammate in your marriage Choosing your life partner is of vital importance. Remember, not only are you looking for a soulmate, you also need to identify someone who will be a good teammate. No one should ever hear anything bad about your spouse from you. No one. Over Communicate Try new things together Be each other’s champion. Celebrate wins and encourage each other. Be grateful for each other’s contributions. Trust and respect each other. Particularly in front of others, including your children. Question of the week A comment from, Don’t Give Your Boyfriend Husband Privileges Video How long is too long when a man hasn’t proposed yet? Answer: When YOU feel its past time. When men know what they want, they go after it without hesitation. If he is hesitant, he doesn’t want it..You only need one. Don’t waste time wondering. Dopest Couple in the World  Russell and Ciara. Love their Brazilian jaunt, being transparent with their faith and recognizing these miraculous life moments and embracing them completely. Taking a minute from busy lives to relish in the moment. Doing it Well-What’s the best way to get what you want in the boudoir? Answer-Asking for what you want is the best way to get what you want.
We Walk through other ways to help people get there…   But just how do I do that?   Be open when receiving criticism from your family, friends and partner. Try to look at things from another’s point of view. Know that there is room for improvement and seek it out fearlessly Ask someone that loves you, family or friend, for advice and constructive criticism and Have an open and loving conversation with your partner, admitting your weaknesses in self-awareness, and share that they may want to look at themselves as well, for bettering the relationship.    
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