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What To Expect When You're Healing
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What To Expect When You're Healing

Author: Mags Thomson

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Welcome to What To Expect When You're Healing (formerly SwanWaters Healing Podcast) your guide to self-empowered healing in the aftermath of abuse.

We'll help you gain insight, learn practical skills and navigate your healing journey and transform from survivor to thriver.

All the resources and ideas shared here and on the SwanWaters website are based on our personal experiences and learning.

Swanwaters.com is a place where you can meet your peers for support and advice: http://swanwaters.com
79 Episodes
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Identified Patient

Identified Patient

2019-11-0800:58:49

In this podcast from 26 August 2015, we delve into the concept of the Identified Patient. The term is used in family therapy to describe the situation where one family member is labelled as "the problem child", and has all of the family issues projected onto them. The identified patient is also often the person that looks for external help or shows the first outwardly signs of inner-turmoil.Stephen Bach and Mags (under her previous screen name Monkey) look at this phenomenon from their own experiences and discuss how a similar situation can occur in other toxic settings too.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
Resiliency Essentials: Resiliency is our ability to deal with BIG Stuff. We create more successful outcomes the more resilient we are, despite the obstacles and heartaches we all face in life.Originally recorded in June 2016As survivors of abuse, we sometimes feel we have to beat a lot of odds... I know that sometimes we feel so overwhelmed by life's circumstances that to the rational mind seem marginal, that we want to just give up. Because the prospect of even those small hurdles makes us remember the huge task of healing that lies in front of us. It makes us feel that we will never be able to deal with life's big stuff, the complications that every life knows and every person has to face.Develop resilience and be brave. There are days when it is very discouraging. You have to develop personal resilience to environmental things that come along. If you let every single environmental challenge knock you off your game, it's going to be very, very hard.Renee JamesIn today's podcast, I speak with Michael Ballard about resilience. How we can train ourselves to become more resilient, and how those skills will help take the edges of the big and small issues we face on our path.About Michael Ballard:Michael is an author, speaker, trainer, and consultant. He travels the world helping people learn how to add more resilience into their lives at home, work and community. Michael specialises in helping people, families, organisations and communities learn how to thrive with resiliency. Resilience is a process, a set of key assets, skills and beliefs that can change our lives. Resiliency can change the quality of our journey and often the quality of the outcomes. Connect with Michael on Twitter and Facebook or check his website www.ResiliencyforLife.com for more information. Resources:Michael asked to make these resources available to help you with your resilience journey.Resiliency Essentials - Resiliency is our ability to deal with BIG Stuff. We create more successful outcomes the more resilient we are, despite the obstacles and heartaches we all face in life.Turmoil Breathing - Turmoil breathing is a process and skill set for staying calm and clearheaded during very challenging situations.More breathing/meditative resources by Michael are available here.Self-Leadership Skills Model - Phase 1 | Phase 2--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
In today's episode I respond to a quote I found recently: “Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage.” Dale Carnegie - Fear and insecurity can freeze us into place - Fear will not go away by staring at it - You can start with the smallest possible steps - Being successful at the small steps starts building your confidence--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
I recorded this 30-minute podcast a few years ago. In it, I share my own story of becoming conscious of the abusive situation I was in, and how that lead me to cut all contact with my family. Want to learn more about escaping an abusive situation? Check out this free Healing Academy module: https://swanwaters.com/preparing-escape-abuse/--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
This podcast was originally recorded in 2015. This is part 2 of 2.Being a parent is never an easy thing to do, and co-parenting after a divorce is even harder. But co-parenting with a toxic person? It is probably impossible... Still, there are ways in which you can make the best of an extremely difficult situation.Aubrey Cole and Stephen, who we first met in their podcast about toxic romance, share their experiences. They highlight some of the challenges co-parenting with a toxic ex and give hand-holds on how to meet these challenges.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
This podcast was originally recorded in 2015, and is part 1 of 2.Being a parent is never an easy thing to do, and co-parenting after a divorce is even harder. But co-parenting with a toxic person? It is probably impossible... Still, there are ways in which you can make the best of an extremely difficult situation.Aubrey Cole and Stephen, who we first met in their podcast about toxic romance, share their experiences. They highlight some of the challenges co-parenting with a toxic ex and give hand-holds on how to meet these challenges.--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
E63 - Time For A Break

E63 - Time For A Break

2019-03-1000:07:04

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags talks about why the SwanWaters team is taking a two-week break from social media between March 18 - April 1, 2019 (no April's Fools jokes here lol).Main Take-Aways:• We're always talking about how important it is that people take time for rest: we want to make sure we're practicing what we preach in that regard, too• No one, even in (especially in) the workplace, can burn the candle at both ends• It's important to have a break from personal development and healingListen to other episodes of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast here.  --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
E62 - Healing Is A Verb

E62 - Healing Is A Verb

2019-03-0300:05:05

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags talks about how you have to participate in your own healing or nothing's going to change. Main Take-Aways:• Healing doesn't just magically happen: it's somthing you DO• You can join all the support groups and buy all the healing programs you want, but if you don't actually apply what you're being taught, you're not going to see healing in your life• Healing takes time and effort• Healing is about developing skills to recover from abuse and also cope with life afterwardsResources:- Healing From Abuse: Find Tools That Work For You by Mags Thomson  - The Healing Academy    --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
E61 - Quality Over Quantity

E61 - Quality Over Quantity

2019-02-2400:08:47

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags asks the question, "What if, instead of rushing to do as many things as possible in our day, we slow down and do less, but with greater care and more intent."The Main Take-Aways • Multi-tasking often means you don't give things the attention they deserve. The same principle often applies to the way you heal: too many cooks in the kitchen = ineffective • Spending energy on your healing will fill up time so you need to take that into consideration when plans for other things in your life • Different healing modalities suit different peopleResources:www.asana.comwww.evernote.com--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags discusses the way we take the capitalist value of productivity over humanity into our healing journey with us.  Main Take-Aways • You can't heal to a schedule. You do it in your own time as you navigate triggers and the curve balls that life throws your way  • Instead of focusing on the ways you're NOT healed, focus on your healing milestones • Make small, attainable goals instead of expecting yourself to be able to tackle big, unrealistic ones If you liked this topic, click the following link to access The Healing Academy where we'll support you and equip you for life after abuse:  www.swanwaters.com/join--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags discusses the importance of getting around people who can help you recalibrate your thinking in order to heal after abuse. And also to transform the way you think in order to see the world (and experience the world) differently.  Main Take-Aways: • When you spend time with other survivors (especially with those who are further along in their healing journey) they can help you when you're triggered by getting you to refocus your thoughts • When you're experiencing the consequences of trauma, you likely believe that you're not functioning properly. But what if you see those bumps in the road as an invitation to approach problem solving in a different way? • Learning how to change your mindset and shift your perspective is an important part of healing from abuse • The extent to which you change the way you think (or heal your emotions), will determine how successful you will be in your healingLinks to ResourcesLink to Instagram postFREE Compassionate Goal Setting webinar--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
Inspired by The Life After Podcast episode where Chuck Parson interviewed Brady Hardin, Carrie staged a hostile takeover of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast to talk to SwanWaters director Mags Thomson about the origins of the organization, her own survivor story, and what The Healing Academy means to her. - Main Take-Aways• It’s common for targets and survivors of abuse to feel like they’re crazy• It’s important for targets and survivors to connect with people who understand their situation who will remind them that they’re actually sane in a crazy situation• The story of The Ugly Duckling (the inspiration behind the name for SwanWaters) is the only fairytale where the main character simply grows into who they are—he didn’t have to DO anything to be beautiful or valuable. He simply, inherently was• The Healing Academy is a place for survivors of abuse to learn new skills to build a healed and happy life. It’s not top-down teaching. It’s community learning (we learn from each other)-Links to ResourcesEvent page for the Compassionate Goal Setting webinarCarrie’s life coach, Liz Smith Meet the SwanWaters teamJoin The Healing Academy Plus programHexxus the Oil Monster from Ferngully if you're interested haha --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
E56 - House of Mirrors

E56 - House of Mirrors

2019-01-2000:29:31

In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags and Carrie reflect on a piece Stewart (Mags' husband) wrote about his experience with her toxic family. -Main Take-Aways  •  When you're aware that the abusive person in your life likes to drive wedges between people, make sure you compare notes with those who matter to you so that the truth doesn't get distorted   •  Have limitations around what you share with the abusive person so they can't use it as ammunition against you later  •  If you're aware that something isn't right in a relationship you're involved in (even if you can't quite put your finger on it), share this concern with trustworthy friends and family so that they can be aware of your situation-Click here to read the original House of Mirrors blog post.   --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
So often, as soon as we wake up our mind flood with everything that we should be doing that day. All the chores and tasks that are on our mental to-do list. From the moment we wake up, we find ourselves in a state of overwhelm, because (if you are anything like me) we usually add too much to that mental list.We immediately begin to think of contingency plans. What can we knock off that list? There goes a long relaxing shower! Bye bye 30 minutes with a magazine and a cuppa! Everything that isn't urgent is off. But what is that if the fluff that keeps you sane? The self-care that is crucial to your healing? What if, rather than assuming you won't finish all your goals for the day… you plan to actually have your cake and eat it too?Main Take-AwaysStart your day with intentions, rather than to-do lists.Set smaller, attainable goals for the dayTake a moment to breathe, and just be--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
When we think about self-care and healing, we often feel overwhelmed at the prospect of adding more things to our all ready overflowing to-do list. So if we can't add more to the list, how can we make the items that are already on there really count? The answer: change how we feel about our chores,and how we view their necessity in our days. It might sound weird, but we can actually make our day-to-day tasks count as self-care in our healing journey.  Main Take-Aways• Your self-talk about the chores/tasks/work you have to do will shape how you feel about them• You can reframe the way you look at the things on your to-do list not as things you "have to do", but things you "get to do" as an act of self-care • You can choose to look at the "mundane" tasks as a respite from our emotional turmoil • Choose to do things you have to do with a focus on the feelings you want to experience. E.g. the sense of wellbeing that comes from having a tidy home, or the sense of pride that comes from knowing your dog feels great after taking her for a walkLinks to Resources• Clutter Bug: Audio Tools to Get Things Clean and Tidy | A course by Kelly-Ann MaddoxIf you want to learn more about how to self-care, we actually have a module in The Healing Academy specifically devoted to the topic! Click here to enroll now! --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
In this episode of the Pint-Sized Healing Podcast, Mags explores the idea of slowing down to heal—rather than rushing because you think you think you "should" be more healed by now.Main Take-Aways• It's not self-compassionate or realistic to expect that you heal in an efficient, linear way. Healing takes as long as it takes• Healing has layers to it. So we'll often find ourselves revisiting the same issue from different angles• Slowing down allows healing to be deep with long-lasting changes that lead to true joy and empowerment• Don't be fixated on the end result. "Stop counting the steps, instead relish in the walking"• Celebrate the milestones on your journey. You will often be surprised by the victories you achieve as you healIf you want to learn how to heal with support from the SwanWaters team, click the following link to join The Healing Academy: swanwaters.com/join/ And be sure to join our FREE Facebook group by clicking the following link: www.facebook.com/groups/SwanWaters/ --- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
Before you get started with today's episode, I just wanted to address the fact that we are going to be talking about religion today. Religion is usually something we stay clear of because this topic is quite triggering for us and other survivors of spiritual and religious abuse who are part of our community. This is why we ask our members to stay away from religious expression, unless… it is part of your story or experience.  This request has led to quite a few questions, so… Today, we are talking about religious abuse and religious trauma syndrome. That means we are obviously talking about religion as part of our stories. >> Special Guest: Brady Hardin << Brady Hardin is one of the hosts of The Life After Podcast. In it, he and his co-host, Chuck Parson, interview special guests with diverse, life-changing exoduses away from oppressive forms of Christianity. Brady was part of a fundamentalist church where he was committed to dedicating his life to the faith and was on course to becoming a pastor or church planter. When he turned to his pastors for help with his failing marriage, that planned trajectory soon changed. It eventually led to the breaking up of the marriage, and his leaving the church. *Carrie quotes Tash Agaffanof about grace being given by God to people, not people to other people.Find out more about Brady: Website: https://www.thelifeafter.org/ Podcast: https://www.thelifeafter.org/podcast Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/thelifeafterorg/videos/508652112862038/ Brady's Story: https://www.thelifeafter.org/spiritual-abuse-religious-trauma >> Links to Resources << Here are the resources we mention in this podcast: I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough" - Brene Brown: https://amzn.to/2qJ7efG (I reference some information that I got from this book) 10% Happier - Dan Harris (book: https://amzn.to/2T5mmB1 | podcast: https://www.10percenthappier.com/podcast/) The Power of Myth - Joseph Campbell (book: https://amzn.to/2PNG6dJ | Netflix: https://www.netflix.com/title/70281117 (availability depends on your location))--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
In this episode, Mags addresses the temptation we have to exclude one truth in favor of another—as though they can't both be an honest representation of reality. Main Take-Aways• We can experience seemingly contradictory emotions at once. For example, being angry at an abuser while having compassion for them as well.  • People who are targets of abuse can also become enablers of abuser, or abusers themselves• It can be hard to come to terms with the fact that life isn't black, white, and gray, but it's in technicolor—which means it's totally worth making the effort to look at life from multiple perspectives.The link to Awaken With JP Sears Show by JP Sears Podcast is here:https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/awaken-with-jp-sears-show/id1436938686?mt=2--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
In this episode Carrie and I talk about an old blog post entitled: The Blissful World Where the Narcissist Is Never To Blame. You can find the post here: https://swanwaters.com/the-blissful-world-where-the-narcissist-is-never-to-blame/We also reference a video by Kit Kennedy, which you can find here: https://kitkennedy.com/2018/10/09/what-to-do-if-you-or-someone-you-love-is-in-a-cult/Carrie mentioned this video by Terri Cole on co-dependency, which you can find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mc3gRqRPlJU&feature=youtu.beMore on the Healing Academy can be found here: https://swanwaters.com/join/If you want to hang out on Facebook, you can head here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/SwanWaters/--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
E49 - The Best Revenge

E49 - The Best Revenge

2018-10-2900:08:21

I saw a meme recently that gave me a bit of a giggle. It said: Not giving a fuck, is better than revenge! The more PC version of that is probably: the best revenge is no revenge. That inspired me to talk about revenge today, and how it relates to your healing journey.- Too often we think of Karma as a cosmic revenge dispenser- Revenge is still abuser-focussed. It's based on how your behavior can affect their life.- "No revenge" isn't about a lack of justice, but about filling the need and wants in your own life- Let your own desires drive you.Find out more about the Healing Academy here: https://swanwaters.com/join/--- Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/swanwaters/message
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