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The Offensive

Author: Stak

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An award-winning, critically acclaimed mockumentary podcast that follows fictional Premier League club Ashwood City FC.


'The Thick of it meets Fifa career mode - a must listen for football fans' - The Guardian


'Ultra-sharp satire' - GQ


This podcast is a serial, begin at Episode 1.



Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

193 Episodes
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After a summer of discontent, another managerial sacking and a few (mostly Dutch) signings, the new season is almost underway. With the initial difficulties of the transfer window, Ashwood's troubles deepen after the release of an indecent image allegedly picturing a member of the playing staff. Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall  Victoria Gibson as Alex MorrisonAdditional Voices:Allon SylvainJohn BrannochRhys TeesNalan BurgessThomas MitchellsDirected by:Adam JarrellEpisode written by:Joel Emery  Edited by:Adam Jarrell Executive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
From the creators of The Offensive. The chart-topping comedy drama retelling the Whitechapel murders returns for a second series.Search ‘Jackie the Ripper’ wherever you get your podcasts to catch up on season one now and follow @JackieRipperPod on Twitter. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
The makers of The Offensive are here to introduce you to their groundbreaking new drama, BOOM, starring Akie Kotabe, Sharon D. Clarke MBE and Omari Douglas.This is Episode 1, just search ‘BOOM’ wherever you get your podcasts to get all six episodes of Season One now! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
The creators of The Offensive are back with Season Two of their groundbreaking audio drama, BOOM.The first two episodes are out now, with new episodes released every Monday. Search 'BOOM' in your podcast app and subscribe. And if you want to get the whole series straightaway, for the first time ever you can purchase all six episodes ad-free for £6.99 with Acast+ here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Join Ashwood City FC on deadline day as the club's lack of spending during the window sparks an internal crisis. After manager Dan Watson appears on national radio to air his frustrations regarding a quiet transfer window, club Chief-Executive Patrick Nolan is left with his Sporting Director Chris 'Woody' Woodall to try and get a handle on things.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallJoel Emery as Dan Watson Additional voices:Jo PriceLucinda ShawOmari DouglasSirena RileyRhys TeesOliver DowlingDenis Michallet  Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Ashwood get their season underway at Vicarage Road as some serious foul play from their Croatian midfielder leaves Head of Communications Jess Tate clearing up the mess.  Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Additional voices:Jo PriceOmari DouglasRhys TeesOliver Dowling  Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
In their first home game of the season, Ashwood City play host to Brighton as stadium developments cause havoc. Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallAdditional voices:Omari DouglasRhys TeesOliver DowlingDean Kilbey  Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
On the eve of their game at Crystal Palace; Patrick, Woody and Dan have met for dinner in London. As the night progresses Dan becomes increasingly frustrated that his expected dinner guest in Roy Hodgson is yet to show.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallJoel Emery as Dan WatsonAdditional voices:Omari DouglasRhys TeesRaphaela Israel-Öbeñg Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel Emery WARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Following a huge result for Ashwood, Dan Watson's comments in a post-match interview leave reverberations around the club as Patrick, Jess and Woody attempt to curtail the lofty ambitions of their manager.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallJoel Emery as Dan Watson Additional voices:Jo PriceLucinda ShawOmari DouglasSirena RileySuzie HoulihanRhys TeesLarner Wallace-Taylor  Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
As Ashwood City failed to recruit a new manager during the international break they face Bournemouth with former under 23s coach Liam Brightwell as caretaker manager. Following the match Patrick is detained in Eddie Howe's office after a death threat is made on his life.   Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallDane Baptiste as Liam Brightwell Acushla-Tara Kupe as Helen Weston  Additional voices:Omari Douglas  Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Ashwood are moments away from hiring Big Sam as the ownership throw a last minute obstacle in their way. Meanwhile, as Liam Brightwell looks to take charge of his second game as caretaker manager, a disastrous Ashwood City tweet dismisses him from the club. Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallDane Baptiste as Liam Brightwell Nalan Burgess as JaneLucy-Jane Quinlan as EricaRachel Summers as SimoneRhys Tees as Sam Green  Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Following yet another defeat, this time at the hands of Chelsea; Ashwood City FC face action in the form of a last-minute supporter protest. With the club image in tatters, Jess is tasked with disrupting the protest and buying Ashwood some time - yet she has some commitments of her own.  Helena Doughty as Jess Tate  Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanLucy-Jane Quinlan as Erica  Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall  Additional voices:Omari DouglasNalan Burgess Luke StevensonJoel EmeryOliver Dowling  Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Patrick and Woody are en route to Marseille to obtain the services of Head Coach Felix Grosjean, but a stumbling block is put in their place as the Marseille Chief-Executive is having second thoughts. Jess is tasked with keeping Chinese betting corporation, and Ashwood City shirt sponsor; iBET sweet, but heavy concessions are required.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallAdditional voices:Omari DouglasDenis MichalletWen TheakerTrev NeoJoel EmeryJonny Sharples Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Ashwood City travel to Burnley after a disastrous and perplexing opening press conference for the new Head Coach; Felix Grosjean. The match takes a turn for the worse after a bust-up in the tunnel between Felix and Burnley manager Sean Dyche. Ashwood's problems deepen as the translator hired by Felix isn't fulfilling his duties.Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallDenis Michallet as Felix Grosjean / Bruno DuvallAdditional voices:Omari DouglasNalan BurgessLuke StevensonJoel EmeryEpisode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
During the height of the media storm following The Portsmouth Matter, Ashwood face Cardiff City on the pitch and an FA investigation off it, courtesy of the new Ashwood City Director of Ethics; Benedict Rice. Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess Tate     Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallOliver Dowling as Benedict Rice Additional voices:Omari DouglasRachel SummersJo PriceLucy-Jane QuinlanDean KilbeyJoel EmeryEpisode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCityHall of the Mountain King Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/   Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
As the scandal deepens and FA investigations continue, Head of Ethics: Benedict Rice, along with Chief Executive Patrick Nolan and the Vice Head of Football Operations Nick Bernardi have accompanied the playing staff aboard the train to Newcastle, as a show of solidarity for their upcoming fixture.  Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanSam Hallahan as Nick 'The Prick' BernardiOliver Dowling as Benedict Rice Additional voices:Joel Emery Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
As Ashwood City combat a supporter protest during a game where both home and away fans have been banned; Woody is entering his third week of suspension, and is looking to make a comeback.Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Paul Waggott as Patrick Nolan  Helena Doughty as Jess Tate  Additional voices:Omari DouglasSam HallahanLuke StevensonOliver DowlingSimon ShawRhys TeesEpisode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel EmeryWARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening to The Offensive. Follow the club @AshwoodCity Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
Another defeat - this time away to relegation candidates Huddersfield Town, leaves Ashwood in the bottom three for the first time this season. The ownership begin to have mixed feelings about their Head Coach Felix Grosjean; leaving Patrick, Jess and Woody tasked with planning for the future. For Patrick, the vote of confidence from the board members takes an opportunistic turn...  Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel Emery WARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised. Thanks for listening, follow the club on twitter @AshwoodCity  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
As Ashwood prepare for the visit of Liverpool, Patrick is infuriated following derogatory comments about Ashwood from Jurgen Klopp and various analysts within the mainstream media. In an effort to enact revenge and give Ashwood the upper hand in the game he and Woody take drastic steps. Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess Tate  Adam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' Woodall Additional voices:Rhys TeesNalan BurgessJonny BlainJoel Emery Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel Emery WARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
As Ashwood are drawn against Kent rivals Gillingham in the FA Cup third round; Patrick has gone AWOL from the club as he attempts to close in on his purchase of the Ashwood City shares. Paul Waggott as Patrick NolanHelena Doughty as Jess TateAdam Jarrell as Chris 'Woody' WoodallMaude Hirst as Elaine Keller Additional voices:Joel EmeryOliver Dowling Episode written by:Joel EmeryDirected by:Adam JarrellEdited by:Adam JarrellExecutive Producer:Joel Emery WARNING. This podcast contains explicit language and content some listeners may find objectionable.This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to persons living or deceased, organisations, places or events is purely coincidental. All scenarios are from the author's imagination. This podcast is protected under copyright. Listener discretion is advised.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Comments (11)

Larry Hansen

This cast is just so fucking good.. No mercy. Thank you.

May 6th
Reply

Kevin Burch

Always makes me laugh out loud!

Nov 14th
Reply

Matt J Curtis

Brilliant episode Matt 🇬🇧

Oct 9th
Reply

Ciaran Cronin

great to see it back!

Aug 11th
Reply

Julian Carro

Just excellent.

Dec 24th
Reply (1)

Adam Barber

#Nolan out

Dec 1st
Reply

Tony Agates

where can I get the ashwood city soul track?

Nov 28th
Reply

Adam Barber

Love it

Nov 15th
Reply

Sizable David

nice

Aug 9th
Reply

Bohumil Baklík

Uzu. ZmnxAc0|=≮⇐↞

Nov 30th
Reply
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