The Cacophonous World of Professor Whimsey

Sounds To Confuse Your Dog #2 by Victor Lams

As threatened, here is my latest track. The theme was provided by a friend as the track was commissioned to be a site theme song (more on that later). Dead Trek Relatives by Victor Lams

Just learning my way around a new library (Garritan's World Instruments), I did this in half an hour this morning. Because, you never know when you'll need a full recorder ensemble!http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Ye_Olde_Faire_Knights.mp3

I'm still on my archive.org old 1950s educational film short kick. Here's a new song inspired by one of the films, along with the film re-edited as a music video. The original film meant to teach kids not to be afraid, but seriously -- what kind of lesson is that to be teaching our kids nowadays?And here is just the music:Victor Lams - "Don't Be Afraid"

This isn't a real song, just me messing around for an hour or so with some synths and a new channelstrip plugin (TeamDNR's Mixcontrol). If you like repetitive robot music, then you might enjoy this.http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Repetitive_Robot_Music.mp3

There's never been an easier way to learn the "Pater Noster"!I'm not sure what I was thinking when I had this idea, because shoehorning plainsong into one of the most rigid forms of music around was probably not the best idea in the world, but I thought it'd be fun to hear once I'd made it. And I'm pleased with the results.Also -- here is the audio file so you can download it for your iPods:http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Pater_Noster.mp3

Here is a delightful instrumental / percussion amuse-bouche to whet your palate. Nothing too profound here, just playing around with various percussional timbres, whence the title.http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Id_Hit_That.mp3

No synths this time (a first for me)! Used only the instruments pictured above (plus my voice and our kitchen wok-lid as a gong, not pictured): ashiko hand-drum (djembe like), kosika shaker, tambourine, box drum, mbira/kalimba, bamboo saxophone, and some weird bamboo/reed whistle. I used ample instances of Celemony Melodine to keep everything in tune (and repitch a few notes), and looped some of the parts a bit (and the 4-on-the-floor "kick" is the ashiko pitched down roughly 5 semitones). Most were recorded with an SM58, my voice with my CAD-M177. The reverb is a cave impulse in Cakewalk Perfect Space. http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Off_the_Grid.mp3

If you're offended by this, you're not wrong.http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Popcicle_Man.mp3

I realized this past weekend that I hadn't done a two-minute rock opera yet about a mechanical engineer who steals a tank. So I fixed that (there's a General Dynamcs tank plant near Detroit that we used to drive past whenever we'd visit our grandparents, so that's the Michigan connection).This features Alchemy, Minimonsta, Jamcussion, SonikSynth 2, and a backwards guitar chord (that I played all by myself!).http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_General_Dynamics.mp3Lyric:He's thinking about getting the band back togetherBut he knows there never really was a bandHe found a funny video he'd like to show his sonBut he won't see him until next weekend.And it's too early to get excited about going homeAccording to the 20-year clock up on the shelfNot that there's anything to get excited aboutAnd these brackets won't design themeselves.General DynamicsYou can't be quiet, you can't be loudGeneral DynamicsDon't deny it, stand out from the crowdBecause when you look back at all your timeand find that from it all you shrankThat's the time to break out of lineAnd steal yourself a tank.Maybe it was a problem with AutoCADMaybe just missing the life he'd never had,After years of being nothing he just wanted to be bad,And that night he was working late.He had a friend in the guard at the shackThey'd gone to school together many years backAnd so just by faking a heart attackHe subdued him and made it through the factory gate.Fire that bad boy upM-1-ASlam that hatch door shutThey'll finally listen, today.General DynamicsQuiet time is over nowGeneral DynamicsNever liked this fac'try anyhowLike Hell! the Earth belongs to the weakOr to those whom it destroysMaybe they'll listen when you speakIf your tank backs it up with noise.None of this was really necessaryCould have avoided the run-in with the militaryAnd the Page One obituaryWith a little general dynamics.

Here's my attempt to do an old-school-style baby-maker (extended slow jam) in an age of embryonic stem-cell research. I think it's one of the longest pieces I've ever done.http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Egg_Farm.mp3

It's a traditional evening prayer chant for Advent in Latin ("Creator of the stars of night"), done here as kind of a downtempo lounge-core thing (Chantcore?). I used Sonik Synth, SampleTron, SampleMoog, ReTank loops, and Alchemy.Consider it an early Christmas present! :-)Lyric and English Translationhttp://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Conditor_Alme_Siderum.mp3"Don't speak Latin in front of the books." - Giles

Fun with some new loops, mercifully short.http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Celestine.mp3

I'm going to post some odds and ends from this year, things I haven't posted yet. Starting with this one from February's KVR contest. We had to do a cover of a tune written by another KVRian, in this case, S.HUSH, who is a hilarious songwriter. I used an effect on my voice (CloneEnsmble), multitracked 8 times, with some ambient crowd noise, and a marching band beat I did in Battery 3... it's weird, but maybe convincing in its execution. In case you're curious, the original was a Mellencamp-esque rock tune.http://www.victorlams.com/kvr-vst/0802_DrAX_God_Blessed_The_States.mp3

A little anti-redistributionalist Calypso for you! I play the ukulele on it. Enjoy!http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Spreading_The_Wealth_Around.mp3

This song was written to award the top pledger for the quarterly Catholic and Enjoying It Tin Cup Rattle pledge drive, Irenaeus. The idea was that I'd write a song about whatever topic he chose. One of the options given was "How about a generic liberal pro-abortion Catholic politician (a la Pelosi, Biden, Sebelius, etc)?".So with Joe as my inspiration, I cranked out this piece, by far my loudest yet (and the first to feature my actual guitar playing all the way through).http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Compromised.mp3Approximate lyric:Compromised,I compromised.Compromised,I'm compromised.I was born with a clear and distinct idea,Between what was wrong and what was right.From Augustus and Aquinas and then brought down to me:The Truth was taught impermutably.Before I Compromised,I compromised.Compromised,I'm compromised.I became a lawyer and then a senator,I took my position very seriously,Faithfully represented those who'd elected me,But all that changed in 1973That's when it soon became apparent,That the winds of change were blowing,Privacy became the mandate,Basic human rights forgoing,Personhood now redefinedWe had a simple choice to makeWe chose to change our party lineand I my principles forsakeProtect the innocent the weakest of the weakFight for the poor the huddled, disenfranchisedWere words I lived by but now I defiedTurns out it's easy when you've got money on your side.Actions without responsibilityor consequences gives you a free rideWhy defend the defenseless when it's somuch easier to live with yourself after you'veCompromised,Like I compromised.Compromised,I'm compromised.One consequence of my decisionIs the matter of my religionI sound like I'm some kind of nutWhen I say "I'm personally opposed, but"When you've speaking on the stumpsturns out that's good enough for chumpsAnd for thirty years it was sufficientTo shut up Cardinals and Bishops.But now things seem to be changing againCan't get away with what I did thenGod forbid I need a defenseWhen I can no longer claim ignoranceIt gets harder to be a politicianWhen you're at odds with your traditionAnd when I'm denied my final prizeAt least I'll know it's because I...Compromised.

Playing around with some new effects today, needed a vocal line, so got our six-year-old son in front of the microphone and said "Come on, then! Sing something!"http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Xander_Lams_-_I_Want_A_Pen.mp3He did a fine job!

Nothing is more depressing than reading an inciteful blog or forum post, having the perfect reply, and then being denied because either the poster has closed comments for that post or because you've previously been banned (for being right, usually).http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Comments_Closed.mp3Might not want to listen to this with the kids around as it contains a phrase which contains a word some may consider objectionable.

It's new music! Inspired by current events! It's longer than 2 minutes!http://www.victorlams.com/audio/Victor_Lams_-_Shill.mp3Shill(Words and Music by Victor Lams)You say that you are hopeful because the winds of change are blowing,And you think is a good thing 'cause you don't like how things are going.But change taken by itself is both a blessing and a curse,Sometimes it makes things better, but more often makes them worse.It's appealing, so seductive, easy to get caught up in it,But before you do something stupid maybe you should wait a minute.Take a moment, take a breather, and when you do, think through it:Change doesn't happen by itself it takes some one to do it.Someone has to write the speeches,Then the politician preaches,To those whom make sure that it reaches,Seems like common sense it teaches:"Are we for change? Yes we can!Just don't ask us about our plan.It's all to nothing apropos,Just gotta upset that status quo!"Now there's no easy way to say this, it appears that you've been smitten,There are phone calls to be made and many emails to be written,Your family might not trust us and your friends, they are all haters,But don't worry because one day we'll be proud to call them traitors.Now deep inside your mind you might hear a tiny voice,This is only normal: your conscience is a choice.But your morals must be sacrificed so we can get elected,Media prophecies fulfilled, and history corrected.And if people are unwilling,To our Audacious Hope fulfilling,You'll find that some blood needs spilling,Truth be told we'll make a killing!Before you know it you've bought the line,Seems so obvious it must be a sign:Change we can believe in, still,Too bad you've just become our...Shill!You're our puppet now, you're our,Shill!Please shut-up it now, you're our,Shill!And we have to pity it, you're our,Shill!Just our useful idiot.Thank you for your help, as we said you've been quite useful,Now it's our turn to confess that we maybe haven't been quite truthful,There's no way we could provide all that stuff that you've been promised,Better luck, live and learn: you can't cheat someone who's honest.We're the ones we've been waiting for to,Bring about our new world order,Looks pretty much the same now though,Except it's us stealing the show.Turns out I wasn't the Messiah,Not Apollo, Zeus, or Gaia,Only one thing really was true,We all really needed you to...Shill! for usYou're our puppet now, you're our,Shill!Please shut-up it now, you're our,Shill!And we have to pity it, you're our,Shill!Just our useful idiot.Shill!You're our puppet now, you're our,Shill!Please shut-up it now, you're our,Shill!And we have to pity it, you're our,Shill!Just our useful idiot.

Dr. Apostrophe X and The Kornhole Krew present:"Pop Corn"http://www.victorlams.com/kvr-vst/0808-DrAX-Pop_Co rn.mp3It's "Moog-hop"!Used: Nusofting Broken Drum Machine, Battery 3, Sample Moog, OligarcLyric:Pop! Pop! We're about to pop corn,Put us in the mircowave until we get warm,Pop! Pop! We're about to pop corn,Make some poor kernels wish they'd never been born.My name's DJ Endosperm and I'm on a bike,Riding through your stomach 'cuz I don't like to hike,I'm filled with starch and fiber, too,And compared to greasy chips I'm very good for you.But I'm not like my unpopped kin,I don't come out looking like I went in.When you're watching TV I'm the perfect snack,So come on over and grab a hold of my sack.Pop! Pop! We're about to pop corn,Put us in the mircowave until we get warm,Pop! Pop! We're about to pop corn,Make some poor kernels wish they'd never been born.I'm the Kernel MC and I refuse to pop,Popping is for losers and for crooked cops.People say I just need a little more heat,Maybe, like your momma needs more stinky feet.Yeah, I don't make kids smile, I only make them frown.Try to bite on me and I'll break your crown.You want some food, eat some chicken coated in penko,'Cuz I'm Bob Barker and you just lost at Plinko.Pop! Pop! We're about to pop corn,Put us in the mircowave until we get warm,Pop! Pop! We're about to pop corn,Make some poor kernels wish they'd never been born.They call me Little Orvie short for RedenbachURR.You might think I'm dead, but I'm still hURR.I'm over 100 years old but I'm rockin' the nation,Kept alive in suspended animation.ConAgra thaws me out once every few yURRS,When they need to pitch popcorn to consumURRS.People try to drown me but I don't show signs of stopping,Because my gourmet corn is the best for popping.Pop! Pop! We're about to pop corn,Put us in the mircowave until we get warm,Pop! Pop! We're about to pop corn,Make some poor kernels wish they'd never been born.