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Bare Marriage

Author: Sheila Gregoire

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Tired of Christian pat answers about marriage? The podcast that goes in-depth into marriage, parenting, and even sex--to see how we can live the passionate life we were meant for. Paired with To Love, Honor and Vacuum--the blog!
270 Episodes
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Ever heard the stat from “a recent study” that found that, when a husband comes to Christ first, in 93% of cases the wife and kids follow, but when the wife comes to Christ first, it’s only 17%? Today Beth Allison Barr and Miranda Zapor Cruz, both academics looking into gender relations in church, join me to try to track down the source. Spoiler alert: People seem to have made this up about 30 years ago—and they keep quoting it! We look at what happens when churches assume this stat is true.O...
We're all about healthy advice for marriage and sex. But what if evangelical teachings around parenting have also been messed up? And how can we parent in a healthy way? David and Amanda Erickson join us to talk about their new book The Flourishing Family, based on Scripture, brain science, attachment theory, and more. THIS is how we should parent! OUR SPONSOREver, AJ: Uniquely crafted vegan leather Bible cases. These Bible Cases are GORGEOUS and FUNCTIONAL! Use it as a traditional case, or y...
The evangelical world has an orgasm gap of 47 points between husbands and wives. Only 48% of women orgasm almost always or always, and 33% orgasm never or rarely. The good news is that if you're in that 33%--you can still get to the 48%!Today Rebecca and I look back at all the other episodes we've talked about orgasms, and have a great time discussing how we can learn to help couples prioritize her pleasure!THE ORGASM COURSEIt's on sale until Monday, September 23 at midnight! When you purchas...
We know it’s not all men who are predators. But it’s far too many. And a recent horrible court case in France is reminding women all over the world that far too many men are willing and eager to do the unthinkable. The only way to tell who is safe is to look at their words and their actions. And the words of far too many evangelical leaders and authors and pastors are straight up rape culture. After what happened to Gisele Pelicot, I’m not willing to put up with it anymore. No more Every Man’...
It’s a complete therapy session—in one book and one podcast! Dr. Merry Lin joins us to explain why we so often feel stuck—and how to move forward. If you’ve been confused by terms like trauma, attachment theory, the Stone Age brain, and more, Dr. Merry Lin joins us for a primer that can help us get unstuck—and rebecome who we were meant to be!TO SUPPORT USJoin our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our workFor tax deductible donations in the U.S., support Good Fruit Faith Initiati...
What does it look like to actually grow like Christ? Like, not from a sermon, or not from some lofty retreat, but just in the here and now? Can we actually grow “holier”? A beautiful conversation with Karen Stiller, author of the book Holiness Here. We tackle envy, joy, contentment—and even grief, as she shares about processing the death of her husband. TO SUPPORT USJoin our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our workFor tax deductible donations in the U.S., support Good Fru...
Sheila and Rebecca are answering your questions today! We covered how to find a new church when you feel like church has let you down; how to start your sex life well; what to do when people don’t think purity culture was harmful; and so much more! And we throw data and nuance into the mix too.HELP US OUT AFTER THE HACKING!Please follow OUR NEW FACEBOOK PAGEIf you see a Facebook page called Endlessly Stories with weird images—that is our old page. Please report it!OUR SPONSORIt's the Bible th...
What if you discovered that marriage books like The Excellent Wife actually follows Steve Hassan's BITE model of cult indoctrination? And what if these marriage books were giving advice that mirrored coercive control?Bare Marriage podcast, episode 246, featuring Bethany Jantzi. Bethany did her thesis on coercive control, and today she shows us how these books use methods like: diminishing/devaluing personhood; undermining autonomy; creating psychological dependency; using a fear-based system ...
The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace sells like hotcakes in biblical counseling/ fundamentalist/ homeschooling circles, and even though it seems like a “fringe” book, it’s affecting tens of thousands of women. Today Marissa Burt and Tia Levings and I sit down to talk about the problems with this book that tells women they must obey their husbands and submit—no matter what.Our Sponsor:It's the Bible that lets girls see themselves in the story! The Kingdom Girls Bible from Zonderkidz--with profil...
She went to a flagship SBC church. She wasn’t supposed to get sucked into fundamentalism. But Tia ended up being stuck in an abusive marriage, trying to fix things by following advice from Gothard and more. It made her sick. It made her hopeless. But finally she realized, no one else is going to rescue us. I have to do this for me and the kids. And she did. Her story is riveting, touching, and relevant. Listen to a Well-Trained Wife!Our Sponsor:It's the Bible that lets girls see themselves in...
The evangelical church spends a lot of time giving modesty messages to girls. But we hardly ever talk about vanity--even though the Bible condemns it. Could it be that in all our talk about modesty, we're inadvertently promoting vanity? And perhaps we can't call out vanity, because our messages to boys essentially enable vanity. Join Rebecca and Sheila as we hash this one out!With thanks to our sponsor:If church was your place of deepest hurt, can you find peace and healing with Christ? Check...
Ever heard people say, "The Bible is crystal clear" or "if you don't believe that, you don't believe the Bible?" Quite often people equate their interpretation of the Bible with the Bible itself--with bad results. Today Scott Coley joins us to talk about his new book Ministers of Propaganda, and to look at how many evangelical leaders have used logical fallacies to keep themselves at the top of the power hierarchy. Plus let's look at how to get back to the way of Jesus!With thanks to our spon...
What if the church hurt you terribly? Can you still heal? Today Ryan George joins us to talk about how his fundamentalist family covers up his father’s sexual abuse of others—and how Ryan eventually learned the truth and turned his father in. And then Ryan deconstructed so much of what he had been taught—and found the real Jesus. Join us as Ryan George talks about his book Hurt and Healed by the Church.About Ryan's BookRyan’s book Hurt and Healed by the Church Find all of Ryan's booksTo ...
What happens when your family gets sucked into fundamentalism, and your father insists on controlling your life, including who you will marry? You grow up under Christian patriarchy, and you experience serious emotional abuse. Today Cait West joins us to talk about her absolutely beautiful memoir Rift, about how and why she had to break free. Then Keith and I talk about why people are deconstructing, and why it’s so desperately important to listen to stories like Cait’s.About Cait West:Find C...
People who deconstruct are often accused of never believing in the first place, or of just wanting to sin. But those who deconstruct are often those who have been hurt the most by toxic teachings. Today Sarah McCammon joins us to talk about who are “ex-vangelicals”, and her own story of deconstruction. And then Keith and I talk about what it means to create a safe and just community that honors people’s fears, betrayals, and concerns.About Sarah McCammon:Find Sarah's book The Exvangelicals on...
Why is a frequenty-used book in teen girls' Bible studies focusing on Satan and not Jesus?A deep dive into the book Lies Young Women Believe by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth and Dannah Gresh. Let's see what is being taught to teen girls--and why it's so problematic. We can do better, church!Get our Downloadable One Sheet of the problems with the book Lies Young Women Believe: Thanks to our sponsor, the book The Sex Talk You Never Got by Sam Jolman And listen to our interview with Sam about the ...
Every Father’s Day, there’s a rallying cry in many conservative evangelical spaces that men are losing out and fathers are under attack. Where’s the truth in this? And what are the problems with talking about marriage like this? Plus we rewrite Harrison Butker’s commencement speech! Thanks to our sponsor, the book The Sex Talk You Never Got by Sam Jolman And listen to our interview with Sam about the book! To Support Us: Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to sup...
What if purity culture didn’t just steal sexual health from women, but stole it from men too? What does it mean for a man to have healthy sexuality? Today licensed counselor Sam Jolman joins us for The Sex Talk You Never Got.To Support Us:Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our workFor tax deductible donations in the U.S., support Good Fruit Faith Initiative through the Bosko FoundationAnd check out our Merch, or any of our courses!Things Mentioned in the Podcast:The Sex T...
Evangelical conservatives too often portray masculinity as if men are supposed to be the “Alpha male”—aloof, emotionless, vying for control, and bullying. Today we look at how, even in nature, this concept of the Alpha Male has been overblown. And we present a better picture.To Support Us:Join our Patreon for as little as $5 a month to support our workFor tax deductible donations in the U.S., support Good Fruit Faith Initiative through the Bosko FoundationAnd check out our Merch, or any of ou...
Church is messy. Friendships are hard to find. Life in a fishbowl is awkward. But what if…it’s worth it? Such a great convo with Stephanie, Jessica, and Jenna about their new book Pastors’ Wives Tell All!Whether you're a pastors' wife, or a female pastor yourself, living life in a fishbowl can be hard. We talk about parenting, marriage, and finding friends when you're in church ministry.Things mentioned in the Podcast:Pastors’ Wives Tell All: Pre-order HereGet Your Preorder BonusesFind out ev...
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Comments (35)

sweet dee is azor ahai

the education system coddles hyperactive boys compared to girls- who are hugely underdiagnosed. It also does not favor girls even slightly; girls and boys are given the same opportunities and boys choose to squander them. The system was MADE for boys in mind. also, take until account that girls factually do worse academically in coed settings while the reverse is true for boys- and yet girls still outperform! it's clearly not solely the setting that is the problem.

Sep 19th
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sweet dee is azor ahai

Women attempt it less because they care more about burdening their families with their deaths. They're also less successful because they choose less messy, lethal means ie a gun for similar reasons. This also doesn't take murder-suicides into account, which are overwhelmingly done by men (and TO women).

Sep 19th
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sweet dee is azor ahai

what's wrong with using PluggedIn?

Jun 21st
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Myriam

I find it funny(tragic), that the people (men) who are the most likely to yell about children needing two parents are the ones to think that women need to be the only ones to care for the children.

Oct 16th
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Myriam

Love how she sais this book is reseach based, when she basically asked men if they prefer chocolate or vanilla icecream, and then infired that women just like the opposite of men. Thank you for pointing out all those flaws.

Sep 26th
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Sarah Poffenroth

So brave! God bless you, Alyssa.

Jun 16th
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sweet dee is azor ahai

at some point can we get Conner his own podcast? he cracks me up and he's so on point (although all of you are to be fair)

Apr 9th
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sweet dee is azor ahai

"If we apply ourselves, we can be just as tough as women." <- Connor is the best! 😄

Oct 28th
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sweet dee is azor ahai

Men and boys don't have a problem expressing themselves at all. They express joy, anger, depression very well. And ones who get violent are absolutely expressing themselves. Let's no longer pretend that's men's issue instead of the WAY men choose to do it. also, heartily disagree that women don't appreciate men enough. Wives make post after post after post about how blessed they are because for horribly bare minimum stuff like their husbands not cheating, not abusing them, or putting the dishes away like he's supposed to.

Oct 7th
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sweet dee is azor ahai

re: secular people, for the most part that's not true at all. the women come back because they like the guy or are desperate (since we're taught we're not worth much without male validation). or more sinisterly, the guy is very manipulative, possibly a red piller or PUA, pretending he'll love her if she sleeps with him, or using games (pretending he's unimpressed with her so she'll work to do what he wants). also, many men don't really care if other men don't make their wives/gfs orgasm and some even admit this. the failure will fall on the women, not the men

Aug 26th
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sweet dee is azor ahai

"why is [him being bad at pleasing her] never an option?!" because society raises men to be sexually selfish, see his own orgasm as the point of sex. :(

Aug 26th
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sweet dee is azor ahai

you're not "supposed" to want sex; it's not a duty. it's completely up to the couple

Aug 17th
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Sarah Poffenroth

This episode is amazing! Well done Sheila for standing up for what is right.

Aug 16th
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sweet dee is azor ahai

Holding your wife responsible for your anger is not just dangerous for her but demeaning to their relationship! What are they, a couple or a mother with her child?

Jul 10th
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sweet dee is azor ahai

"If he wanted to, he would." He can see that pile of dishes; he just doesn't want to do them. that's not "man bashing", that's lazy person bashing.

Jul 9th
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sweet dee is azor ahai

I love suits too but the guy is right, it's not comparable to formfitting leggings. It's the equivalent to a cocktail dress or evening gown. Think Grace Kelly's stunning costumes in her Hitchcock roles! I have never met a woman ever who was physically aroused by suits. Attracted? Absolutely. But a woman a man finds hideous can still turn him on if she's got a body type he likes and is wearing leggings.

Jul 6th
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sweet dee is azor ahai

the proverb about dripping rain is actually not as bad as it sounds initially. as Giselle from Nagging Thoughts wisely pointed out, it's a woman trying hard to fix a problem that her husband is deliberately ignoring, much like the widow consistently coming at the judge to fix her problem like he should.

Jun 23rd
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sweet dee is azor ahai

"withholding" implies she has something he is owed. no man on earth is entitled to sex or any part of a woman's body.

Jun 22nd
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sweet dee is azor ahai

thank you so much Rebecca!! that is precisely why I dressed somewhat immodestly in some of my teen years. I had been bullied before over my looks and clothes and it left me anxiety ridden. Dressing that way was how I tried to protect myself.

Jun 22nd
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sweet dee is azor ahai

That commenter was so right on! and yeah, I think if most men actually cared about their wives' needs, they would ask. If he cared, he'd make an effort. Men aren't stupid. Women have been patiently explaining ourselves till we're blue in the face and told we're wrong about our own needs, bodies, and sexualities and of course God. If he wanted to, ladies, he would! I love Sheila but I do think she's a bit too nice to men, and in a way male authors rarely are to women.

Jun 18th
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