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Grieving Moms Podcast

Author: Megan Hillukka

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Hi I’m Megan Hillukka. A Grieving mother, turned grief coach, I now support, guide, and offer tools to navigate the unthinkable of child loss to other moms who also know this pain. I help you go from feeling empty, lost, and broken, to learning to carry your grief and live alongside it. If there’s one thing I want you to see, it’s hope. Hope that there’s life after loss, hope that there’s so much more for you, and encouragement that you are normal. All of this is possible, along with never forgetting or moving on from your baby or child. I’m holding onto hope for you, until you are ready to hold it yourself. Welcome to Grieving Moms Podcast!
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Sleep is a place where our bodies heal, process trauma and information that we’ve experienced in our lives. Sleep is so healthy for us to get but what do you do when you can’t sleep at all? Here are my tips for you :1. Brain Dumping  This is especially helpful for when you try to lay down and you cannot turn your brain off. When all the things going through your head are on repeat and you can’t sleep, you should try it. Brain dumping is where you just take everything that’s going on in your head and put it on to a piece of paper. For some reason, writing it down helps lessen the racing in your mind. Write for as long as you need, and keep the journal by your bed, so that you can continue to get things out of your head as needed.2. Prescribed Sleep Medicines For a time period, I needed to take something to help me sleep. I had originally asked my midwife for a medication that was safe in pregnancy. In the meantime, I never ended up taking it because I found other things that work. Like I say- I’m not a medical professional and I’m not giving you medical advice, but this is what I ended up doing for a little while to help me sleep. I took Melatonin, along with Tylenol PM. I also had to sleep in my own room because of my trauma.I could not sleep with anyone else. Otherwise, I spent the whole night checking on everyone around me. 3. Essential Oils :I used an essential oil called Tranquil from Plant Therapy. I have used this ever since Aria died, and anytime I have insomnia. It’s amazing. I put a dab behind each ear and a dab on the sole of each foot. This has helped me in many ways get a good night's rest.Recommendation : Plant Therapy Tranquil Essential Oil Blend 4. Magnesium LotionI’m not sure why I started trying this in the first place, but I had made a foot salve that had magnesium in it. And ever since then, I’ve noticed that when I put that on my feet as well right before bed, I’m able to fall asleep much faster, and be able to stay asleep longer. I made my own magnesium foot salve, but you can buy it online somewhere. I’ve also bought it from a local shop that sells lots of natural products.5. Rescue Remedy/ Rescue Sleep Another product I’ve used, not for myself, but for my kids who have been affected by sleep, anxiety, or nightmares, I’ve given them Rescue Remedy. You can buy this online, or at Whole Foods or Fresh Thyme or that kind of place. I’ve been absolutely amazed by how when I give this to my kids after a nightmare or they can’t sleep, it’s been so helpful. For some reason I’ve never thought to take it myself, maybe because I have so many other things to help me.If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com to check it out. If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
In this episode, Erica McAfee shared her grief journey, her different layers of grief, and how she used them and got inspired to create a maternal child health company for Black women, the Sisters in Loss.At the age of 14, She first experienced grief when her father died. For many reasons specific to her own grief journey, her grief didn't fully express itself until the death of her 2 angels. The grief that she had felt before somewhat accumulated. She realized that she needed to face grief. She was able to accept it and process her emotions. Episode Pointers:Grief is always there. Grief is with us forever. You need to face grief at some point.If something else traumatic does happen to us like a loss of someone, recognize the feelings that we were feeling at that time and how do we move forward with those feelings so that we can continue on with our life.Some people get stuck in grief, and really have this fog that comes over them. They just need additional help to get and remove that fog.Having trusted confidants, counselors and therapists that can help you move that fog away is so important. Grief is gonna come and it’s gonna hit us. When it does;Do we recognize it?Do we understand what’s happening?Are we okay to articulate how we feel in those moments?Are we just gonna be mad at the world because of the traumatic thing or the loss that is happening?You can connect with Erica through the following:Instagram:www.instagram.com/sistersinLossFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/sistersinloss/Website:  www.sistersinloss.comYoutube : Sisters in Loss TVPodcast :  https://sistersinloss.com/blog/Recommended book :  The Big Leap by Gay HendricksIf you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com to check it out. If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
In today’s episode, we are going to talk about pregnancy after loss, specifically the fear of having another baby.Episode Pointers:I’ve talked to many women who are terrified of having another baby. There are so many unknowns, so many things that they fear, including forgetting their baby that died.Maybe they feel like they are trying to replace their baby who died.Another is that they fear losing that baby and having to go through this pain again. These fears stop grieving moms from having another baby because it’s so scary.It’s so unknown and we don’t know what a pregnancy is going to bring. Fear is not the deciding factor of you having another baby or not because fear brings a lot of regret later on in your life. If fear stops you from having another baby, then you never know what the experience would have been like.It is because you only experience it in your mind, which usually is a replay of the past, rather than allowing it to be the way it does happen in real life. Pregnancy after loss is unlike other pregnancies, because once you know loss, you know anything can happen and that it does happen and that it did happen. It’s not just a what if, but it’s real. I know that getting pregnant doesn’t guarantee a living child, and even after that, our children can die. Once you know deep loss, you can never have a “normal” pregnancy again. Just like you will never be your “normal” self again. It becomes your new normal. The way you experience pregnancy is different than before, and than others who have not had loss.We tend to judge this as a bad thing. We get angry that we have to have all these emotions and others don’t understand. It’s all part of your grief journey, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Understanding that anxiety is normal, okay, and not a problem. Learn to sit with the anxiety you feel, and know that nothing has gone wrong. Of course you are worried, and even though the worry isn’t going to change the outcome, it’s still there. Be okay with it being there, and also use tools to support you.There is not a guarantee that everything will go smoothly or good in your pregnancy, but the reward of having another baby is so great. Whatever you choose or decide, I want you to know that your grief journey is your own, and process a layer by layer and hold space for what’s going on inside of you.If you want more tools to help you, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, it’s a workshop that dives into emotions, what they are, and how you can begin to feel and process them and get them out of your body instead of stuffing them down. It also goes specifically into processing and releasing the emotions of guilt and sadness. You can get access to this workshop and all the extra things I have in there for only $27. Go to www.stoptalkingstartfeeling.com to check it out. If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community 
In this episode, we are going to talk about how taking breaks in your grief works.Episode Pointers:It is a ton of work to manage your mind, your emotions, and sometimes you just want to throw it all out the window and just be where you are at. You recognize that you feel crappy, angry, depressed, but you just don’t want to do anything to change it right now. I talk a lot about the healing work, effort, and mental and emotional work that comes with grief, but sometimes you just want to sit in the muck. Sometimes you just want to have a bad day. We do not need to be happy all of the time. We do not even need to try to be happy all the time or enjoy and soak in every moment. Some moments are exhausting, tiring and you don’t have the energy to try anything else.It’s okay to not be doing grief work every moment of your life. It’s okay to zone out for a bit. It’s okay to numb scroll through FB or IG. It’s okay to have a day where you do nothing and sit around all day. Give yourself the break in that way too.You cannot be every single moment in the deep grief work. You cannot be in processing mode every second. It’s like you step back, take a break, and then you get back to it.Give yourself a moment to do whatever you want, that might not necessarily be what you want to choose all the time, but just feels like you need a day for it. If you are interested in tools for when you get back up from doing nothing, I have a workshop called Stop Talking Start Feeling, that dives into emotions and thoughts, and how they are so connected to your grief. Then there are sections specifically for guilt and sadness, and how you can begin to process and work through them. If you want to learn more about this workshop, it’s only $27 and you can go to www.meganhillukka.com/workshop to learn more!If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
Experiencing trauma or PTSD while grieving is so challenging. The pain is doubled.You need to deal both of these intense feelings. But how?In this episode, we are going to talk about dealing with trauma while grieving.No matter how many wishes or prayers we need to do, it won’t go away without doing the right actions.Most of you know that my 15 month old daughter died in her sleep, but if you’re new here, that’s my story, and 4 weeks after she died, our next baby girl was born. So sleep became a huge issue for me. Someone had told me that they would put their baby down to bed, and make sure they were safe, and then they would put her in God’s hands. They would say okay, now God it’s up to you. I tried that. I would put my daughter to sleep, and make sure she was as safe as I could make her, and then give it to God. But less than 5 minutes later I would pop up in an absolute panic, shaking her, my heart pounding, believing that she had died. This was my life. No prayers, thoughts can make it better.Get the help you need for trauma. This is not a way to live, and just pushing through every day will not make it better. You have to heal the trauma and help your body come out of a fight or flight state. Your body needs to know it’s safe and it’s okay to file that memory in the past. Trauma is not something to mess around with, or just push for another day. It truly matters, and it affects every portion of your life.Some ideas to help with trauma: EMDR ( Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)Emotional Freedom TechniqueSomatic ExperiencingBooks related to Trauma : 4.1. The Body Keeps the Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk                        4.2. Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by  Dr. Peter Levine                        4.3. Healing Trauma by  Dr. Peter LevineIf you want some extra guidance with grief, and to get access to some Emotional Freedom Technique Tappings that I have, I have a workshop called Stop Talking, Start Feeling, where it will help you begin to connect with your body, the emotions within, and begin to release the energy of emotions that are stuck in your body. This workshop specifically goes into the emotions of guilt and sadness, with so many other things.If you are interested in joining this workshop it’s only $27, and you can get it by going to www.meganhillukka.com/workshopIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/communityYou can go here to find a therapist who is trained in Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). This therapy was amazingly helpful for me with PTSD, and lowering my symptoms to a livable level.www.emdr.comwww.emdria.org
This episode is more speaking to those around you to learn about grief and how they can help and support you on your grief journey.Episode Pointers:I often think that our brains are trying so hard to comprehend our loss, that there is no extra room for all the things that used to be easy in the past. It’s hard to keep up on bills, it’s hard to remember anything, it’s hard to keep track of anything, it’s a major feat to get the energy to clean the house. You can help so much by doing physical things for them. It’s always a good idea to check in and see if this would be helpful for them.  Remember that something you think is helpful might not be helpful for them, so communication is very important. By communicating with them, and also offering tangible ways of helping, you are letting them know you are serious about helping. So many times people say, “Let me know if you need any help.” This is not helpful.First, a grieving person doesn’t really even have the capacity to think about and know of what ways could be helpful. Second, they are in such a vulnerable place they don’t know how to reach out and ask for help when they need it.When you offer ideas of ways you can happily help, it’s a win for them and a win for you. It’s so easy to post on Facebook or a group chat, “Sending prayers for you and your family”, then mentally check that box and move on. I want to encourage you that if you think of them throughout your day, or if you are remembering them in prayer especially many months or years down the road, that you send them a text letting them know. They do not know you are thinking of them, and many times grief can feel so lonely. Those messages of remembrance and love can really mean a lot.Physical Ways You Can Help:Clean their house (Check with them first, there could be something left of their child’s that they do not want cleaned up or the memories wiped away).Do grocery shopping.Set up a meal train.Set up babysitting for therapy, time together as husband and wife, time to go to the cemetery, time to be alone so they can grieve, for whatever they need.Sit with them.Include them in get togethers, even if they don’t come. (Don’t be offended. They might not be ready.)Bring supper over, or meals for the freezer. Check in often with how they are doing.Help financially with medical, or funeral costs. (Remember this can be very difficult for them to take because their child means more than any amount of money, and this money can feel horrible to get. I still believe it’s a good thing to send with no judgment of what they do with it.)I would love to offer you my workshop called STOP TALKING, START FEELING in which it gives you tools to understand your emotions and your thoughts, along with guided meditations, and ways to process specifically the emotions of guilt and sadness that come with grief.If you are interested in joining this workshop it’s only $27, and you can get it by going to www.meganhillukka.com/workshopIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group:www.meganhillukka.com/community
Are you healthy? What are the ways you do to make you healthy?Remember, that being healthy is not only physically but also mentally.So often, physical health takes precedence over mental health. And it shouldn’t be that way.Episode pointers:We cannot see what goes on within someone else’s body or within their mind. So often, as the person who is living in a stressed state, or in deep grief, you might feel like you have to try to convince others that this really is as bad as you say it is. And then because it doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal for other people, you minimize your own suffering, and say there’s just something wrong with me. I don’t know what’s my problem.Due to COVID, we are expected to wear a mask to prevent the spread of the virus. However, I couldn't wear one because I can’t breath.I have a medical condition but  it wasn’t something I could actually prove because it’s in my mind. Maybe I’m broken? Maybe I’m just weak? Other people can handle this, why can’t I? It’s easy to start to justify why you feel the way you do, or shame yourself into not getting the help you need because maybe you are making a bigger deal of it in your mind than it actually is.And yet- mental struggles are truly causing so much suffering. And with covid and the focus on physical health, mental health suffering has just gotten worse. It’s continuing to get worse, because as a society we don’t say it’s important enough. Are you caring for your mental health? For some reason, with mental health, it’s harder to get help, because maybe it means you're weak. Maybe it’s actually admitting you feel broken. Maybe it’s terrifying because then you actually have to change something. Or maybe you have had a horrible experience with trying to get help and you felt misunderstood, pushed on, forced to places you weren’t ready for.So, why not take it as seriously as it is?Your mental health is so important, friends. And nobody else can decide for you that you need the help. That you need to care for yourself and your emotions and your mind.This is something you have to decide for yourself. Please, please, please get the help. Get the help before it becomes an emergency. Get the help you need, friend.I would love to offer you my workshop called STOP TALKING, START FEELING in which it gives you tools to understand your emotions and your thoughts, along with guided meditations, and ways to process specifically the emotions of guilt and sadness that come with grief.If you are interested in joining this workshop it’s only $27, and you can get it by going to www.meganhillukka.com/workshopIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group:www.meganhillukka.com/community
In this episode, I am going to share a very special tool for you to use to support you in your grieving journey.I often use this with myself and with my clients.This tool is the Emotional Freedom Technique/ E.F.T./ Tapping.This is a tool/tapping in which you tap on your certain parts of your body.First, we speak out all the painful and heavy things.We bring up the pain and hardpoints to the surface and let it go.Then, we tap in positive truths, bringing in affirmations and more positive things we can settle into your body.We do the tapping on these acupressure points :side of the eyebrow ( right above the center of your nose)side of the eyeunder the eyeunder the noseunder the lips, on the chin collar bone areaunderneath the arm top of the headMy Relief in Grief is going on right now.You can join if you want to.There are still 2 days left.If you want to be a part of it, you can go to www.reliefingriefsupportgroup.com to register and save your spot!If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoachingIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
“Does it ever get better?”“Please tell me it gets better.” “I can’t keep living this way.” Have you also asked the same question? Are you feeling the same way?Let’s talk more about these questions in this episode.Episode Pointers :Someone else’s experience doesn’t mean it has to be yours. I remember feeling this way, and I remember wondering if I would ever have joy again.                     Is it even possible for me to feel that deep true joy that I felt before Aria died?Would I just be empty the rest of my life?I wanted to hear from other moms. I wanted to know that it could get better. I had to know that it could change, so that I could know I wouldn’t be living this way the rest of my life.I’m forever grateful to the mom who did tell me. You will feel joy again. It’s possible, it will be different, it’s a different kind of joy, but it can still be deep, full, absolute joy.To know it was possible, and then continue to be okay with being right where i was in the muck. In the hole of grief. But to see that shining light ahead of me to know that the grief work was worth it. Processing grief was worth it and it will bring me a reward.So- to you wondering if it will ever get better? I can absolutely say yes. Yes it can get better. Yes it can change. Yes you can learn to live again. Maybe not right now, maybe not yet for you, but it’s absolutely possible.You cannot learn to hold grief and joy, without first holding space for grief. Not a wallowing in grief, but a processing of grief. Wallowing in grief only keeps you cycling and stuck, processing grief allows you to flow in and out of the emotions that come. Processing gives you the permission to deeply feel the pain, agony, grief, sadness, guilt, anger, frustration, depression whatever it is that’s coming up for you, and then coming to an ending of it.It’s intentional. You have to decide that you are allowed to grieve. You have to decide that you are worth the work. You have to decide that you want to learn to live again, so you are going to sit in the muck and do the work.Time can take a bit of an edge of the pain, but time truly does nothing. It’s what you do with the time that counts.Time does nothing. You do not have to suffer your whole life. You really don’t. You can learn to live with this. While I know you didn’t choose for your child to die. I know you didn’t deserve it. I know you don’t want to live this way. Each of us gets a choice in how we move forward. In how we pick up the pieces of our broken heart. If you want things to get better, it takes action, work, and intention. So join me next week, on the 13th, 14th, and 15th for Relief in Grief. You can go to www.reliefingriefsupportgroup.com to register and save your spot!If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoachingIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
“If you have other children, how are your anxiety or stress levels about them?”And the overwhelming response was- horrible, over the top, very high, through the roof.In this episode, I wanted to discuss this and offer a maybe different perspective on this.Episode Pointers:Please don’t let yourself do the shame cycle.                 - Shame does nothing in helping you, all it does is keep you cycling exactly                        where you are at.After Aria died, I was also diagnosed with PTSD. I was so so anxious. I couldn’t relax in the evening, I remember sitting on my chair in the living room while my kids were sleeping, and I would be a tense ball of stress.sity, gentleness, love, and compassion for yourself are some of your best tools.There is nothing wrong with the anxiety you feel. I know- here I talk about all the bad things about anxiety and you wonder how you can get rid of it, but it doesn’t work that way. Relax into the anxiety, and stop judging it. Don’t try to get rid of it, and just let yourself learn to sit in the energy of anxiety without needing to do anything. Often, asking someone who doesn’t have the same debilitating anxiety as you can be helpful, but only if you have been able to be okay with just sitting in the anxiety and not trying to change it or having to follow through with what your anxiety is trying to make you do.You can tell yourself that this is what your brain does. Your brain is giving you the worst case scenarios because it’s trying to protect you. This doesn’t mean they are going to happen or are happening. This is just your brain. You are not your thoughts. You are not your anxiety. I wanted to highlight how crucial it is for you to get help for yourself. Because the anxiety you feel not only affects you, but everyone else around you. If your anxiety is so debilitating you can’t do anything to even begin getting help and learning the tools to navigate it, I want to encourage you to go see your doctor and see if medication would be a good step for you. It’s so important to use all the tools that are available to you. Go get the medication if you need, then dive deep into doing the deep work of calming your body down, learning tools to manage anxiety and manage your mind. You have more control over your anxiety than you think. Registration for Relief in Grief is now open! It’s my 3 day workshop diving into all things grief and child loss. If you are ready to begin picking up the pieces of your shattered heart, and learn how to hold space for grief and joy, come join me and the other moms in this 3 day workshop. It’s going to be amazing and you don’t want to miss it! Go to www.reliefingriefsupportgroup.com to registerIf you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoachingIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
Is there a correct way of grieving? This is the common question a grieving mother would ask. We often compare our grieving to other’s experiences.In this episode, we are going to know if there is a correct way of handling grief.Episode Pointers :Each of us have our own path .We have different experiences and  different relationships.There is a strong narrative that we all grieve differently in a sense that anyone can grieve in whatever way and it’s correct, or it’s okay.Grief is normal and it will come and go the rest of your life. It seems like the questions come up when you have been doing fine, managing day to day, feeling like maybe you are doing okay with this whole grief thing, and all sudden something triggers the tears and the pain. Then you start to wonder, did I ever grieve at all? How come it’s so painful? Am I doing this correctly? Is it supposed to be like this. And yes- that  will happen. That will happen the rest of your life. So when the waves come, let go of the judgement and the questions, it’s supposed to be there and it’s okay that it’s there. There is nothing wrong with the way you are grieving because a wave has come over you. Grief will come in waves the rest of your life.I like to share this image of a person called grief has come to walk beside you. Right away I fought this person called grief. They were invisible to everyone else but I was very aware of them every second of every day. I didn’t want grief to be there. I tried to ignore the person, I tried to run, but none of that worked. Then, I began to relax and be okay with the person there, and now, I’m very comfortable with grief being a part of my life. I walk with and carry grief and I will the rest of my life.  Grief is normal, and you get to decide how you want to ride the waves of it.If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoachingIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
Both Therapy and coaching are very essential in our grieving journey. So, how do they differ and how  can they help us in dealing with child loss?In this episode, we are going to know their importance, difference , and how they affect us in healing and moving forward.Episode Pointers:Most therapists are a place for you to go and talk, to get out the stuff that's coming up inside, to get the words out of your mind.And that feeling is amazing when you are walking with grief and you just need a space to go over your experience.If a therapist doesn’t understand grief, they are not the right therapist for you specifically for losing a child.Truly, not everyone is a good fit for everyone. It’s a human to human relationship and sometimes you just don’t click with someone.Therapy also tends to focus only on top down processing. This is where you talk only, and don’t get into the sensations of feelings in your body. Therapy is an amazing resource, but something can easily happen. That you begin to develop a dependency relationship of sorts with your therapist. That you need to go to therapy for years and years.It doesn’t mean you shouldn't’ ever talk about your experience, but there is a difference in cycling and suffering over and over again, and processing and learning to carry your grief.This is why I believe coaching is so powerful. While therapy can easily become a place you continue on for years and years and rehash the past over and over again. Coaching is for someone who wants to learn tools to move forward. Not to get out of the past, but to honor their experiences, honor their child, remember them, never forget and carry them forward with them in their life. If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
In today’s episode, I have a very special guest who I hold closely to my heart, my dear husband, Justin.He is going to share with us how he dealt with grief, express it, and how he held our family together during the darkest part of our lives.Episode pointers:We grieve differently. It depends on every individual’s personality.It’s easier for a mom to go to another mom to share her grief journey. We often think that husbands are strong enough to handle the grief on their own. They need support, too!It’s okay to talk to a grieving dad and bring up the experience. It is really special to have that support from other people. It was really hard to connect and to be on the same page.Child loss can put your marriage into a test. It gives anxiety in the relationship. Try to connect to each other and work on your relationship as well.Your therapy should be about your grief and not how to support your wife. You are grieving as well. Take care of yourself first.If you can cry and express your emotions you feel a lot better afterwards.Crying is to show your love to someone who is going through a similar type of grief journey.Tips for wives to understand their grieving husband:Give him his grieving space, give him time to address that and try to talk about itIf he is acting differently ,frustrated,has anger ,and  shortness in temper,it may mean that he is  struggling with grief.Try to give more spaceand understanding.Both of you love your child. Both of you miss her/him them so much but the way it’s coming out is different and it is expressed differently.If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoachingIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
72 : ANTS Thoughts

72 : ANTS Thoughts

2020-12-0319:30

“Ants may be tiny but they can definitely ruin your picnic.That’s how our negative thoughts can ruin our day”.Dr. Daniel AmenIn this episode, we are going to talk about different types of ANTs ( Automatic Negative Thoughts) , and how we can relate these in grieving.Episode Pointers:Thoughts are real, and they have a direct impact on how you feel and how you behave. “You don’t have to believe every thought that goes through your head. It’s important to think about your thoughts, to see if they help you , or hurt you.There are horrible and painful parts of grief, and there are parts where the sun shines, and you can see the beauty because you’ve seen so much darkness.Types of ANTs: All or nothing thinking: All good or All bad - We always think that someone or a situation is all good or all bad and nothing in between. Remember life is 50/50. Always thinking:  That something that happened will always repeat itself. Focusing on the negative:  If you are looking through the lens of guilt and what you have done wrong, you are focusing on all the reasons why you should be at fault and the reason your child is no longer here. Thinking with your feelings: This is when you believe your feelings without ever questioning them. However,feeling  a certain way doesn’t mean it’s always trueGuilt Beatings: Guilt is typically not a helpful emotion. Letting go of all the things you should do in your life. The guilt and the stress of saying you should be doing something only makes it harder to do. Labeling: When you attach a label to yourself or someone else, it doesn’t allow you to take a clear look at the picture. Blaming: This is all about not taking personal responsibility for your life, and you blame others for the problems in your life. This is really toxic, because it takes away any control you have for yourself and gives it to everyone else around youResource Book :Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Dr. Daniel AmenIf you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoachingJoin my free class on How to Get Through Grief on November 10th. This is for you if you are feeling stuck, lost, and unsure how to move forward. You can go to this link to register: https://hello71e5ca.clickfunnels.com/webinar-registrationsnm6y6nqIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
In this episode, I am going to share with you some tips on how your child will be noticed or remembered in this holiday season.If you want your child remembered, plan something or do something that will remember them, and don’t expect or wait for others to do that.So if you want something in particular, plan it, get it, create it, spread the word, whatever you need to do.Here are some ideas that we do in particular to remember Aria:A picture frame with a lot of pictures of her.We light a candle at the gathering that we are at.In our home, we have a statue of a little girl, wind chimes, bird feeder. On Christmas, we have a few more things like ornaments.Our tradition is that Santa brings something in Aria’s stocking.In her stocking comes a game or puzzle, or last year was a year pass to the science museum.We go sing at the cemetery on Christmas Eve. We have gone to Angel of Hope ceremonies, and different events put on by the hospitals.For All Saint’s Day, it was a very special moment when Justin had the kids blow out candles we had lit, and before they could blow out the candle, they would say something they remembered about Aria or something they wished they could do with her. Keeping your child’s memory alive and talking about them is something I know you want so badly. You never want them to be forgotten. So keep their memory alive. Do things that feel like you can connect to them.Other things that you can do :Bake something they likedWrite letters to themLit a candle for themAsk other people what a memory they have is of themWatch some videos if you have someDonate to a cause in their nameIf you find something that you could buy for your child and wish you could, buy it and gift it to someone elsePlay their favorite music or music that reminds you of themCreate a memory book of themCreate a memory videoSend out cardsDo a fundraiser like a 5k run or walk in their memoryIf you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoachingJoin my free class on How to Get Through Grief. This is for you if you are feeling stuck, lost, and unsure how to move forward. You can go to this link to register: https://hello71e5ca.clickfunnels.com/webinar-registrationsnm6y6nqIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
70: Grief as a Child

70: Grief as a Child

2020-11-1939:44

We have a special guest for this episode, Randi Proman Wolfson, who’s going to show us how grief looks into a child’s eyesShe first experienced grief when she lost her dad at the age of 10.There wasn’t any kind of grief support way back then so she failed to process her grief up until she received grief support in her early adulthood.Episode pointers:Teachers should be educated how to handle kids in grief, and teach their classmates how to support their grieving friend.Families should have open conversations about a dying family member.If there was counseling during that time, she would have expressed her grief in a healthier way.It’s never too late to address your grief.It’s not grief that sucks, it’s the death that sucks. Grief is what we have to embrace and that’s what can hopefully allow us to move through our life is by embracing the grief. Embracing the feelings that are bubbling within us and to not  be afraid of that.Reach out in somewhere or some way so that you will not feel alone.Grief is life long.Tips for moms:Help yourself  and make sure that you have a place, an outlet, and support because the better that we are supported,the more we have to give to our child.Have conversations with your child about their departed loved oneIt is important not be afraid to show your emotions in front of your childYou can get in touch with Randi through :Fb (Grief and Grits) https://www.facebook.com/griefandgritsIG : (Grief and Grits) https://www.instagram.com/griefandgrits/Website : https://www.griefandgrits.com/If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoachingJoin my free class on How to Get Through Grief. This is for you if you are feeling stuck, lost, and unsure how to move forward. You can go to this link to register: https://hello71e5ca.clickfunnels.com/webinar-registrationsnm6y6nqIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group:www.meganhillukka.com/community
For this episode, we are going to focus on the internal work in ways moving through the holidays.Feeling anxious or dreading the holidays is just normal for a grieving mom.The first thing that you usually say is that your baby/child won’t be here.You won’t know how big the wave of grief may be on that day , but you know that you are scared and don’t want to feel that dreadful pain.What if you could just let the wave come, and be okay with  however big it is?When you are open to the waves,you don’t have to dread them.Think of this - you have lived through every wave  of grief that has come so far.You have survived every wave.If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoachingIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
Holiday season is a time for happiness and making good memories with your loved ones.How can a grieving mom experience true happiness if she is still having intense pain and longing of her child?In these special holiday episodes,I am going to help you in going through this holiday season.Here are my practical tips for you:1. Have a plan A, plan, B, and plan C.Because you truly don’t know when a grief wave will hit, and it’s helpful to have something else you can do if you are just not feeling it that day.2.  Let go of judgement of how your grief is supposed to be and ride the waves as they come.Let yourself grieve, and if you do have moments of joy, allow those to come without judgment.3. Allow yourself to say NO. Use no freely. When you are in deep grief, your tank is beyond empty and you have nothing left to give to others.If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoachingJoin my free class on How to Get Through Grief on November 10th. This is for you if you are feeling stuck, lost, and unsure how to move forward. You can go to this link to register: https://hello71e5ca.clickfunnels.com/webinar-registrationsnm6y6nqIf you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
In this episode, I want to share to you how God has given me strength in facing the most difficult and painful aspect in my life, the death of my baby, Aria. I believe that she’s in Heaven and in a better place. Even if I wanted her back with me, she would not want to come back. When you are given a trial, God also gives you the strength to be able to get through it. Even if my faith is so important to me, I have here some reasons why I don’t often talk about it in my coaching : ●     I don’t really like hearing from others about God.  I want to hear from my faith about God and not anywhere else.●     I believe that no matter what you believe, I can help you through grief with different tools.●     I don’t believe it’s my job as a grief coach to push my faith or any faith on anyone. There are things that can help you on your grief journey, no matter what you believe, and I am here to do those things. Give you those tools to support your mind and your body through a very intense and difficult season of your life. If you want to apply for a spot for 1:1 Grief Coaching, go to www.meganhillukka.com/griefcoaching  If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
In this episode, we are going to know how powerful words are especially in grief. We can connect the words in our thoughts, and use them to communicate how we are feeling.That’s the reason why we need to be careful on what we think, and what we say to ourselves and to other people.Here are some points for this episode :We label emotions as GOOD or BAD. We embrace GOOD emotions and we avoid BAD emotions.The more you repeat the words and thoughts again and again, the more you believe them. No matter how true or untrue they are.Choose the right words. They make a huge difference not only how you connect with others, but how you feel about yourself.If you are a grieving mother and looking for others who know the pain of child loss, come join my free Grieving Moms Community Facebook group: www.meganhillukka.com/community
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