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The Adventures of Donald McQueen, Bibliographer
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The Adventures of Donald McQueen, Bibliographer

Author: Paul W. Nash

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In the ancient University town of Noxford (which is definitely not Oxford), Donald McQueen is Professor Emeritus of Bibliography and a Fellow of both Timor Mortis College and Unrewley House. McQueen's adventures begin one morning when he finds the ear-trumpet of Death in the anteroom of the Fellows’ Library at his College, and discovers its miraculous power to eavesdrop upon any time or place, any reality, and to hear even the thoughts of the people and animals around him. All the while, he continues his greatest adventure, his quest to uncover the truth about the mysterious Codex Assinorum, which has caused bibliographers so many sleepless hours, and broken teeth.This is a comical adventure for bibliographers, who will complain that there is too little bibliography in it, while non-bibliographers (the benighted majority) will complain that there is too much. Rest assured that the next chapter will contain more, or less, bibliographical humour ...
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In this chapter of his adventures, Professor Donald McQueen wrestles with a great moral and intellectual dilemma – should he use The Ear-Trumpet of Death for entertainment, or reserve it only for academic purposes? A telephone call to his sponsor can help to identify the sauce of all knowledge and wisdom, and the answer to his great question results in McQueen losing himself in the final episode of that flabbergasting science fiction drama The Venus Probe.  For the second time, Cherrytop the Sarcastic Horse fails to put in an appearance ...
Who printed the Codex Assinorum of Scrotus? And when? And why? These are the questions which plague Professor Donald McQueen of Timor Mortis College, Noxford. But his concentration is broken by tales of the cruel and mysterious Mr Lavender, and by visions of murderous Scotsmen, elderly lady detectives, Darth Vader and a radio-controlled cat, to say nothing of Cherrytop the Sarcastic Horse (who does not appear in this chapter).
Professor McQueen continues his sojourn at the Duodecimo Club in Pall Mall, where he just misses the opportunity to meet Death in person. Who will be the next President of the Bibliographical Society? How could a Scottish music teacher possibly be misunderstood by the girls of Whittering's School in Hampshire? What is the mysterious accent employed by Dr Chopper Hopper aboard the Starship Venus? Will any of the Club members ever speak to Joanna Lumley again? Enquire within for the answers to some of these questions.
Professor McQueen arrives at the London club patronized by the cream of the world's bibliographers, The Duodecimo Club, where he meets some old friends and Joanna Lumley, before being sucked again into another absurd episode of the 1970s TV science-fiction masterpiece "The Venus Probe" ... Be warned. These are dangerous penguins!
Professor Donald McQueen (Bibliographer!) tries to leave Timor Mortis College for his London club, in search of a little peace in order to continue his researches into the Codex Assinorum. But he is waylaid by a series of real and spectral visions, and gets caught up in an absurd episode of the 1970s television series The Venus Probe ...
Professor McQueen recalls the dispute which arose over the mystery of the Codex Assinorum, and the teeth it cost one of the protagonists, before being distracted again by the Ear-Trumpet of Death and hearing of the tragic end of the world's most fragrant vampire ...
Professor Donald McQueen learns to control the Ear-Trumpet of Death, and tries to pursue the mystery of the Codex Assinorum. But he is distracted by the doings of his embarrassing older brother Starwheel (who wishes to be a star of the musical theatre), the continuing saga of the world's most fragrant vampire, and the thoughts of his beloved cat ... among other adventures!
Welcome back to Timor Mortis College, Noxford, where Professor McQueen pursues the bibliographical mystery of the Codex Assinorum while continuing to be distracted by the ear-trumpet of Death, through which he hears of foul-mouthed wombles, windy vampires, monstrous Archers and superhuman chavs.Parental advisory: A little strong language can be heard in the closing minutes of this chapter.
McQueen discovers the ear-trumpet of Death, and begins his adventures in the worlds it opens up to him, in the past, the future and in other realities, while pursuing his true destiny as the explicator of the mysterious Codex Assinorum. Exclamation marks abound! Written and performed by Paul W. Nash.
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