UNspoiled! The Dark Tower

First, check out our sponsor for this episode, the TRAPP Society's upcoming special project set in the world of the Dark Tower. It takes place between books six and seven, and aims to correct some of King's more egregious indulgences. The characters include a survivor of Jericho Hill, the High Wizard of Brooklyn, a shapeshifting badass from Dungeons and Dragons, and so much more. The show isn't available just yet, but head to the Shattered Worlds RPG podcast feed to hear the first hour of your newest podcast obsession. shatteredworlds.libsyn.comI can't believe how long we've been doing this series, but damn this feels like it's been going on all my adult life. And now it's over, and I'm left with so many questions and so many moments that I want to know more about or still don't completely understand, as I'm sure many of you also felt when the series ended. Miles and I spend this last episode answering questions submitted on Facebook, Twitter, and email from all of you, asking us everything from how we'd rank the books in order of favorite to least, who we would have killed off and why, which characters we want to know more about or see in the story more, and all kinds of other things. We had a really good time chatting about the series as a whole, and we discuss the fact that Miles came into the recordings unsullied with knowledge of how it all ends. Thank you all so much for listening, for leaving reviews, for submitting questions, and we wish you all long days and pleasant nights. Toodaloo, mothafuckas. Artwork Credit: https://www.deviantart.com/25kartinok/art/Susanna-704021520

Listeners, this is it! It's time for the very last chapter of coverage of The Dark Tower series, which will be followed up by one more episode of discussion before we wrap on this podcast feed altogether. It's truly the end of an era. The ending to this book was rather surprising, because I expected the Skin Man to be someone we had already met and instead it's someone that doesn't really mean anything to us. Of course, when he transforms in front of them we get to see King's writing shine, because man does he write horror well. So I think I will forgive him. The thing that I'm feeling the most ambivalent about it the whole thing with Roland's mother. I would be interested to hear what you folks think about my and Miles's theories, and whom you agree with. I didn't think about it the way Miles did at all, but for all I know, he may be right. Thank you all so much for sticking with us as we made our way down this twisting road, and we will see you next week with the final episode.

Hi there you beauties! Miles and I are here with the second-to-last episode of Wind Through The Keyhole, and I'm delighted to inform you that, despite some quibbles about the fact that the Red King has a cameo in this story, I really liked it. Tim Ross carries on past the small community of swamp people, sure that he will be returning this way and that he can repay the kindness they've shown him. They know differently because they're aware the Starkblast is coming, so it's actually kind of heart wrenching to watch him say goodbye. And on top of that, we find out later that the dragon also died, which just seems unfair. The Starkblast is a bastard.Once Tim reaches his destination he has to screw up his courage again to face down an enormous tiger, which it turns out later is totally harmless, and they snuggle down to wait out the storm under the protection of a magical bedsheet, which later carries Tim home again with his bottle of potion to cure his mother. The story does have a rather brutal ending, because Big Kells has come wandering back and cut the Widow Smack's throat while she was sleeping by the fire, but Tim's restored mother sinks her late husband's axe into Kells' head, and we all lived happily ever after. It's overall a pretty satisfying story, but like I said, the mentions of the Red King being trapped on a balcony of the Tower, and of Aslan being in charge of one of the Beams, were really distracting. Whaddayagonnado. They didn't ruin it, just made me stop and say, "Wait, what?" Thanks so much for listening! See you next week!

I love titling these fucking episodes. What an unholy disaster. So this episode was intended to cover the entire 'Wind Through The Keyhole' section, but it turns out that's way too much reading for one day, and also this episode is over an hour so it seems like Miles and I were not suffering for things to talk about even with just half the story. So I figure y'all can just forgive us. I'm always on board with weird fairytales and folk-tales, so this was right in my wheelhouse. Villages that need to worry about dragons? Yes please. Villages that THINK they need to worry about dragons because someone is a con artist, but then it turns out there is actually a dragon out there? EVEN YESSER PLEASE. I really hope you enjoy this episode, and we will see you soon with the second half of the story!

Hey there, constant readers! Miles and I continue our journey through the final novel of the series, and I find that nothing is what I expected. I mean, who knew we'd basically be fighting werewolves this time?The whole deal in this section was very out of left field, but I actually really enjoyed it. I'm very on-board with seeing some of the set-up in Roland's life for the man that we came to know in the main series, and I'm really excited that there's a mystery afoot. That's not to say that there aren't some bizarre and distracting King-isms in this section because trust me, there are. But I'm more willing to tolerate them because we've got (to an extent) a clean slate in this part of the story. So who is the Skin Man? My money is on Everlynn. That's all I'm sayin. Thanks so much for listening, and I will see you soon with the section titled Wind Through The Keyhole!

Hey listeners! Miles and I are getting into the final book (at least so far) in the series, which is apparently going to contain some peripheral information and stories from Roland's youth. What we get first, however, is the setup for what gives our crew the leisure to sit around and tell stories. We go back in time, to before they even reached the Calla, and meet a ferryman called Bix who can tell from watching Oy that the Starkblast is coming. Roland can't believe that he missed the signs, and there's only just enough time for the four of them to get to the safety of a stone shelter before the thing hits them like a train. There's not much to talk about in this one yet, so it's a slightly shorter episode. Thanks so much to you all for listening!

Well, folks. It's finally here. Miles reads the final chapter aloud to me, on the air. If you're a patron and would rather watch the LiveStream for the full effect, check it out here! https://www.crowdcast.io/patreon/join/-LIE0wOy9HdxZPO11XY4Artist Credit: https://www.deviantart.com/dios-db/art/The-Dark-Tower-170336484

How dare you.

Hey there, listeners. I'm not going to say too much here. There's nothing to be written that I didn't say during the episode. At least, nothing other than, "Fuck this fucking book."

Hi there, listeners! I'm here with the next episode of Dark Tower, and I'm going to have to be honest here; I'm getting tired. It's really a shame, because I was so in love with this bizarre series at first. But we're reaching the end here, and I can't really help but feel some relief. This chapter is another example of a moment where Miles and I come up with an alternative that would have been much more satisfying, would have made more sense, and wouldn't have required yet another idiot savant being added to the story at the very last minute. I wish so much that I could talk to King about why he made the choices he did. I keep saying that, but it keeps being true. It's surprising that Susannah decided to leave, and I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. I guess I'm a little disappointed? I fully expected Roland to get there alone in the end, but when it looked like Susannah was joining him I was pleasantly surprised that my expectations were being undercut a little. Unfortunately, it seems my prediction was correct, and King just didn't give her a satisfying departure. Ah, well. What can you do. I just really wanna know wtf happens next, at this point.

Hello, listeners! Now, before you go and listen to this episode and then DM or email me about the BLINDINGLY obvious thing that I missed, please allow me to reassure you that as I was editing, I realized. The robot's name is Stuttering Bill. Like Bill Denbrough from IT. I can't believe that I didn't catch that right away, but I finally managed it, so there we are. Close that messenger window.These chapters were super entertaining and in many ways, some of King's best attributes as a horror writer are on full display. But. "Here comes the Deus Ex Machina!" Ironically, while Miles and I tend to complain about that very problem throughout these books, the actual act of the writer trying to step in was the concept we had the least problem with. What bothered both of us was that even had King not included that little sideshow, the entire scene would have unfolded the exact same way. The note made absolutely no difference, and yet King pats himself on the back, saying that they're "square" now that he's "saved their lives" even though he did no such thing. But Dandelo was super creepy, I enjoy the tie-back to IT, and the whole thing with Patrick Danville is really sad and sweet at the same time. Plus, I'm glad that Bill The Robot is a good dude with some emotional aspects who was distraught by what was happening to Danville. I can't believe how close we are to the end of this, and I'm really hoping that we start to regain our footing now that we're out of the woods, so to speak. Thanks so much for listening, see you soon!

This is one of the rarer episodes where Miles and I disagree a little more on the chapters than we usually do. While Miles is much less interested in the "Hides" chapter and feels like it's a stupid place to put a DIY tanning instructional manual, I'm a sucker for this kind of stuff and totally thought it was fascinating. Now, don't get me wrong; I think Miles is right. It's not a smart place to put this chapter, and the fact that the whole thing is included really makes me ask yet again, WHERE WERE KING'S EDITORS? But I really liked it anyway because I just wanna know about DIY tanning, okay? Then there's the PREVIOUS chapter, which is a really odd one. Some dudes are under a glamour and try to tempt Susannah and Roland, but in like the most obvious way ever so that the stakes don't feel like much. THEN, for some reason, Roland gives up on his idea to trap Mordred and Mordred comes and eats the guy. *shrug* I don't understand, Roland. Anyway! Thanks for listening. See you next week!

Hey everyone! You wanna hear a really compelling argument between me and Miles about whether it's worse to be hot or cold? Eh, I'm just joshin ya, we only talk about that for like, 20 minutes, TOPS. No but in all seriousness, these two chapters were really good and I was so into them. Especially, as I'm sure comes as no surprise to anyone, the chapter entitled "The Thing Under The Castle" because ghatDAMN that whole chase scene was tense. My favorite thing is when you can't see the monster and you get to make up something horrible in your own head, but you know what's even better? When the author is so good at making up something absolutely fucking horrifying that when you finally see the monster it's actually worse than what your puny little brain could ever have invented. Then our brave heroes are out in the putrid, toxic open air and we get to be with them as they travel on through absolutely horrible-sounding cold that's like...bitter, but not so bitter that it kills them, but like, bitter enough to really want a cardigan and maybe a nice scarf. Oh, and apparently Mordred is following them. Forgot about that guy. Thanks so much for listening, see you next week!

Guys. I'm not going to write much here. I think the episode pretty much speaks for itself. Tell me how you feel about it.

Forgive me if I'm not super high energy this episode, but I'm just not really my usual chipper self since there was a really dramatic and unexpected death that came OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE and kind of laid waste to my heart a little bit? The thing that kills me about this is how well all of it is written. This is how it's done. I wish that King was at his best in this manner throughout the series because when this man gets it right, goddamn does he get it right. The tension in these chapters is brutal, and I love jumping between POVs to see everything leading up to the moment when King gets hit. I love how angry Roland is at King for putting them in this position. I even love how unfair it is that Roland doesn't get to be by Jake's side when he passes away. It's heart-wrenching, and relentless, and upsetting, and everything that the death of a main and beloved character should be. I am really not thrilled that Roland is going to have to continue on in the keystone world for even longer before going back to Susannah, because I want him to have at least the semblance of his ka-tet back, but I guess we shall see what we shall see. Thanks to all of you for listening, and I will see you soon with a new chapter.

Hey everyone! So despite my doubts, I am going to attempt to operate under the assumption that Eddie Dean of New York is in fact dead. In that spirit, I chose some artwork this week that depicts him and Susannah when they were at their best, working together as a team. Just ignore the fact that Mordred isn't the only one with creepy, long-ass spider legs, apparently. This was a really good chapter. When I first started reading I was irritated and immediately texted Miles to spout off my frustrations that Eddie indeed seemed to still be alive, but if everything is as it appears, it just takes longer for him to die than you would expect. He finally does pass, under the watchful eyes of his friends, and he gets a chance to say goodbye to all of them which is more than most people get. Susannah is left alone with him to prepare his body for burial while Jake and Roland go deal with the aftermath of the attack. Hilariously, the Can-toi and Taheen are way less trouble to deal with than the Breakers are. The former all seem simply grateful that they're not being killed out of hand, but the latter are upset that something has been taken from them, and they demand some sort of restitution. Jake comes so damn close to losing his temper and killing every last one of them, but instead of execution, Roland opts to let them decide their own fates and trusts that whichever option they choose will wind up being punishment enough. Those two go on without Susannah to save Stephen King, and we will see what comes of it. Thanks for listening, and we will see you next week with 2 more chapters!

Hey there everyone. I'm here with the next installment of The Dark Tower, and I'm going to warn you right now about my reaction to what I'm sure was supposed to be an emotionally affecting chapter: I am not here for this nonsense. I do not believe it's true. I think King is too much of a coward to really kill a main character this way, and the constant, unending foreshadowing just made me roll my eyes and believe in it even less. I really wish that I didn't feel this way. I honestly do, because I would love to be able to just let myself enjoy the book for what it is supposed to be, and for what it has been to so many of you. But I'm really finding it hard to hide my contempt for King at this point, after he has shit on so many of my expectations and squandered so many opportunities to make things matter. I really do apologize to those of you who were looking forward to this moment and maybe hoped that I would feel something, or simply to those of you who love this series and want me to love it, too. I wish I could get past some of this, but it is what it is, and I have to be honest about how I feel so...there it is. I'm annoyed, I'm impatient, and I'm disappointed. I really hope that there's something coming up soon that will get me back on board with all of this. Thanks for listening, and I will see you next week!

Surprise Bonus! I'm sharing the first episode of a Patrons-Only Series to give everyone a sense of what this newest project is going to be about. This show will be hosted by Natasha and RoShawn, with the occasional guest from other UNspoiled! hosts. I'm only putting the first episode as wide-release so that everyone can get a sense of it, but from Episode 2 onward they will be an exclusive perk to $20+ Patrons. Here's why I chose that high a tier: RoShawn and I will be splitting all the $20 tier profits 50/50, and adding a whole new show to our recording schedule is no joke so it really needed to be worth our while. This episode is about Being Sick, and it's kind of funny because I start off the episode talking about how I'm not really sick and it's just allergies, but...it turns out I was actually sick and just in denial. RoShawn shares her thoughts on the Neti-Pot, and I read an advice column question that has us both ready to call the cops. Thanks so much for listening! This show will be bi-weekly, so another one will be out on Patreon in a couple weeks and we're open to topic suggestions as well as emails asking for advice! Hope you enjoy the show. :D

Miles and I are back with the table-setting chapters that come right before the big battle, and we get to talk to Sheemie more than we've ever gotten to before. It was so lovely to see Sheemie, and it's such a shame that he's in danger because of the teleportation. I don't like seeing any characters I love get sick, but there's something even meaner about it when it's the result of their superpower. Poor Sheemie, all he wants to do is help, but it's the helping that's killing him. It makes me sad. Meanwhile, turns out that Roland is aware of Mordred spying on them the night before, and isn't overly concerned about it at the moment. He seems to feel like there's only so much a giant spider-baby can do to stop them, and he's pretty much certain that Mordred wouldn't want to interfere even if he could. Why not? I have no idea. He just knows. Thanks for listening, and I will see you with a new episode next week!

This week Miles and I are only talking about one chapter, but what a chapter it is! This is a long tale of Ted The Breaker (which is what I'm calling him now) and how he was recruited to work at Algul Siento. Ted has an ability that essentially makes him priceless to the Taheen and Cantoi and Humes, and so he's pretty much able to get away with murder (maybe literally) without them being able to do much of anything to reprimand him. Ted's story is really interesting because far from the usual tale of someone with superhuman abilities who has to constantly hide from people who want to use him as a weapon, Ted is desperate for someone to take advantage of his gift. Yet he can't seem to even give it away! I really liked this subversion of expectations and the very human explanation that King gives for the doctors not wanting to even acknowledge what Ted can do. It's infuriating, but it really makes a lot of sense.Finally, the gang hears from Susan about the whole weird dream she had and the announcement that Stephen King had been killed, and the Ka-tet puts their heads together to figure out when the accident would have to be and how they can possibly save this guy. In the end, though, they decide that they're going to have to deal with Breaker University before they can worry about King, because Sheemie is tied up there and he's the one who can get them back and forth through time. I am so excited about Sheemie's abilities, y'all. Seriously. Thank you so much for listening! See you next week!Artist credit: https://www.deviantart.com/art/The-Dark-Tower-sketches-683940603