Playing With Fire

Have you ever wondered what your partner looks like through someone else's eyes? It's a question that can bring up a swirl of emotions—curiosity, insecurity, excitement, maybe even panic. But what if that willingness to wonder is actually one of the keys to navigating jealousy and building deeper, more differentiated relationships?This episode dives into the beautiful, messy reality of watching our partners be seen in new ways. We explore how the presence of others (metamours, new partners, even close friends) can expose aspects of our partners we've never encountered, and how that can feel both threatening and liberating. We talk about the ego wobbles, the fear of being left behind, and the grief that comes with accepting that we can never fully know or experience everything about our partners. And we discuss why non-monogamy, for all its challenges, can be powerful medicine for breaking the illusion that we ever could.In this episode, we talk about:— The terror and confusion that can arise when a partner says they feel seen by someone who isn't you— How being seen freshly by someone new can help us discover new facets of ourselves— The fear that a new aspect of your partner won't fit in your relationship, and what to do with that fear— Our own experiences with this phenomenon in the context of kink— Why we can't (and shouldn't try to) replicate every version of our partners in our own relationships with them— The grief and poignancy of accepting that you'll never experience everything with your partner, and why that's actually essential to differentiation— How the illusion of monogamy can keep us from dealing with the reality that our partners are truly other— The tendency to displace discomfort onto metamours instead of sitting with the reality that our partner feels unfamiliar— Why increasing our distress tolerance around our partner's otherness is essential to individuation— How non-monogamy strips away the mirage that we could ever fully know or contain another person— The gift (even when it doesn't feel like one) of being reminded that our partners were never meant to stay inside the bubble of our imaginationJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

What if the thing that’s really stopping you from changing your relationships isn’t a lack of motivation or willpower, but a frozen imagination? We all hold internal representations of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships in our minds. This isn’t a bad thing. But when those images remain static, we stop seeing how things actually are and starting interacting with their outdated versions. This prevents us, our partners, and our relationships from accessing aliveness, creative potential, and the opportunity to grow into something new. But we can thaw out these frozen images, and when we do, we open ourselves up to possibilities that we couldn’t have imagined before.In this episode, we talk about:— Why our imaginations of ourselves, our partners, and our relationships gets frozen in the first place— How frozen images can be both protective and limiting at the same time— The difference between intentionally freezing aspects of a relationship temporarily (like during a crisis) versus getting stuck in outdated versions— Why agreements are actually a byproduct of the ongoing work of updating our expectations and images— How emotional heat can help thaw out frozen images— The role of projections in keeping our images of others frozen— Why thawing out doesn't mean the frozen image was "wrong," and what it means instead— How frozen images from childhood and family systems continue to impact our adult relationships— The power of reintroduction rituals and accountability in updating relational images— Why asking "who in me is frozen?" can be more helpful than asking if your whole self-image is frozen— How trauma narratives can become frozen images that need to be inhabited fully before they can be thawed— The ongoing nature of this work and why it's both challenging and delightfulResources mentioned in this episode:— Episode 250 Relationship Re-Imagination: The Framework— Episode 204 Liminality: Your Key to Relationship Paradigm ShiftingJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Ever feel like you're having the same conversation about the same hurt over and over again? Yeah, we’ve been there. And the surprising thing is… that's not necessarily a problem.We just did an episode on conflict and how it can actually deepen intimacy (wild, right?). But during that conversation, something came up that deserves its own deep dive: closure. What even is closure? When does repair actually end? And why do some of us need to revisit the same hurts multiple times while others just want to "move on already"?This is where things get tricky. There's often frustration, blame, even shame around the fact that certain wounds keep resurfacing. One partner might feel superior because they can "just get over things," while the other feels broken for needing more time and repetition. But here's what we've learned through our own relationship and through working with hundreds of people: patterns of harm require patterns of repair. And understanding the difference between a loop and a spiral? That changes everything.In this episode, we talk about:— What repair actually means (spoiler: it's way more than just saying "I'm sorry")— The difference between closure and pretending something never happened— Why closure doesn't mean you forget or stop feeling hurt by what happened— How to tell if you're stuck in a loop versus moving through a spiral of growth— Why defensiveness will slam your spiral right back into a circle every single time— The role of changed behavior, accountability, and taking responsibility in true repair— Why some relationships stay stuck— How forgiveness language can sometimes be used to rush past real repair (and why we're cautious about that word)— The reality that you'll always remember significant harms—and that's actually okay— Why bringing up past hurts isn't manipulation—it's often an invitation to deeper knowing— How resentment forms when we pretend to "just get over" things without actually processing themResources mentioned in this episode:— Our Repair Skills playlist— The Apology and Accountability LadderJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

When we see conflict as a red flag, we pave the way for dishonest ‘peace,’ people pleasing (where no one is actually pleased at all), and emotional walls that try to protect us but end up leaving us isolated and disconnected.The truth is that conflict is not inherently a sign that something is going wrong in the relationship. In fact, generative conflict is the pathway to deeper connection and growth. This conversation gets real about the extremes of dysfunctional conflict (cheap peace and violent disagreement), what generative conflict actually looks like, and how it can bring people together instead of pulling them apart.In this episode, we talk about:— Why conflict isn't a sign that something's wrong with your relationship (and what it actually signals instead)— The spectrum of conflict: from dishonest harmony to violent disharmony, and how to find the generative middle ground— Ken's transformation from conflict-avoidant to someone who can sit in the discomfort with curiosity and patience— How gender dynamics and emotional labor show up in who does the work of naming and navigating conflict— The power of asking "what else is it?" instead of dismissing someone's feelings or getting defensive— Why making space for your partner's inner child (and historical wounds) can be relationship-changing— The difference between taking something personally and taking it on—and how ego strength plays a role— Practical skills that have reduced our conflict duration by 90% (seriously)— Why repair can and should start during the conflict, not just after— How conflict skills become even more essential when you're opening your relationship— The importance of curiosity, vulnerability, and dropping defensiveness when things get heated— Why hypervigilance from childhood can make us defend against there being "more" to a conflictResources mentioned in this episode:— Our Repair Skills Playlist— Our Imago Dialogue PlaylistJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions

Leaving high-demand religion isn't just about changing your Sunday morning schedule. It’s about deconstructing a belief system that touches everything in your life. And when you start pulling on this thread, you might find yourself questioning monogamous norms too. These processes can open you up to a wealth of opportunities, but they can also bring a whole lot of uncertainty online. That’s why we're thrilled to bring you this conversation with Natasha Helfer, an AASECT-certified sex therapist supervisor and licensed marriage and family therapist with 30 years of experience working at the intersection of conservative religious upbringing, sexuality, and internalized sexual shame.Natasha was excommunicated from the Mormon church for her advocacy work, so alongside her professional expertise, she brings a wealth of lived experience to this topic. If you've ever struggled with the aftermath of purity culture, if you're deconstructing from high-demand religion while exploring non-monogamy, or if you're supporting someone through this journey, this episode offers validation, insight, and practical frameworks for understanding what's really happening during deconstruction and reconstruction.In this episode, we talk about:— What makes a religion "high-demand" and why sexual behavior monitoring is such a central feature— The difference between being pushed out (excommunication) versus choosing to leave, and why both can be traumatic— Why deconstruction is not a linear process with a clear endpoint— How compulsory monogamy in mainstream culture mirrors compulsory polygamy in fundamentalist communities (and why that realization is so important)— The challenge of doing adolescent developmental work in midlife while simultaneously navigating midlife transitions— Why people deconstructing from one thing (like religion) often start questioning everything else (like monogamy), and why that's actually a natural part of the process— The grief of leaving certainty behind, both religious certainty and the certainty of traditional relationship structures— Practical therapeutic approaches— Why reconstruction work is just as important as deconstruction, and how to build a new identity and value system— The reality that old messaging and shame will resurface periodically—and why accepting that actually helps you move forward— How privilege (race, gender, sexual orientation) dramatically impacts the severity of religious traumaResources mentioned in this episode:— Find Natasha at natashahelfer.com— Natasha’s group practice, Symmetry Counseling— Natasha's seven-week educational group for people exploring ethical non-monogamyJOIN The Year Of Opening® community for a full year of learning & supportLearn the 5 secrets to open your relationship the smart wayAre you ready to open your relationship happily? Find out at www.JoliQuiz.comGet the answers you want to create the open relationship of your dreams! Sign up for a Playing With Fire Community Call hereMusic: Dance of Felt by ⁠Blue Dot Sessions