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If you've been in a toxic, abusive relationship for any amount of time you've had this mentality for a while now, and you probably already even tried to change this person. Now, let me ask you this:how many times have you tried to change him? What are the things that you have done to change him? Next question. Have you been able to change anything at all in their habits, their personality, anything at all? No. I know because these people with toxic abusive mentalities, narcissists, don't change. You might want to make changes in a person, but this person will not change.It is impossible for a person with a narcissistic personality disorder to change. They don't change. They will put on a mask.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
I felt I needed to become somebody different because of how badly I had been hurt and how broken my mind and my heart were from everything that I had been through.  There were a lot of things that I did not have clear, and I know that there's a lot of you out there going through this right now as well or have been through it and can relate.I thought that me being in my forties, it would be easier to meet somebody. Therefore, when this person showed back up, I said, it's like, "ok this is fate.  It should be it". I bent myself over backwards to be what this person wanted, what I thought that this person wanted. Everything that he expressed, everything that he said about his exes and his last relationship and his friends, everything that he was saying led me to believe that I knew exactly what he wanted.I hit every point that he had made and still when the time came, I was not what he wanted, because it didn't matter what he thought he wanted.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
I didn't realize while I was in it, that I was in an abusive relationship and I had learned to lie my way through the relationship.  Through the lies, I had found where I was safe. He didn't have to find out about certain things, and it was okay because I wasn't doing anything bad. I was just holding off from having a big discussion for having an argument or a fight with him.But I was lying. I was lying to him and I was lying to myself all the time. It became so common and so much a part of my life that I didn't realize every time I came up with a lie. I even lied to cover his ass.  I lied to the people that were around me that knew that I was in an abusive relationship and did not even dare to tell me.I lied about the way that he made me feel uncomfortable whenever he would call me screaming. Where are you?  Where have you been? When are you coming home? Who are you with? I had made excuses for him numerous times for my boss, for my friends, for the family. I had made excuses. Everything was a lie. And the biggest lie of all was the fact that I thought this was love.Another lie was the fact that I thought I loved him. It wasn't about love. It was about being scared to lose what I didn't know I never had. I taught myself how to lie and the best way possible. At one point, I realized that I was no longer happy that I was out of this relationship. I was just sad and as hurt and as broken as I had been while I was in this relationship.  And it was at this moment in time that I decided that to live in a safe world, in a safe environment where I wouldn't be judged, criticized, hurt, or accused I had to lie. But now it wasn't just me because these people were involved in my life. I had to lie about almost everything. It was already something that I could not do on my own. Therefore, this is when I taught my children to lie. I had to teach my children to lie so we could be safe from all these people around us, including my ex. We all had to lie.  We all had to have the same story.  It was hard to keep tabs on everything, but everything that didn't seem like we were living the perfect life, I felt had to be rearranged.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
The day we had officially moved out and we were sitting up in our new home, I told my son that I was sorry that daddy was no longer going to be living with us. His answer truly surprised me. He said that it was all better now because it was going to be no more screaming in the house and he knew his daddy was mean. While I was struggling to leave him without his father figure by leaving, I thought I was hurting him, but even though he was at a very young age, he had seen, and he knew. He knew that his daddy's attitudes were not the right ones. He knew how bad it made him feel. And it was starting to take a toll on him. This is about how to screw over the most and they know that our kids are straight shot to the heart and that's how they do it.  They use the so-called co-parenting and turn it into contra parenting. Trying to manipulate you while they're projecting themselves on you as a parent. They play the victim, making it seem that they are the best parent and you are just not good enough. They constantly attack you just to make sure you respond and that gives them the idea that they are in the right and you are in the wrong.  They don't care about what all this drama does to the child. It's about what is doing to you, but you can turn the wheels. There are three things that I can tell you to do to help you with this kind of situation. It'll never be perfect, but you can deal with it.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
As women, we tend to be our own worst enemy. I know that this goes a very long way.It goes far and it goes wide, and it happens to the best of us. It doesn't matter if you have a weight issue, it doesn't matter if it's what you see in the mirror. It doesn't matter if it's about your career, or it said about being a mom. We tend to be our own worst critics and being in a toxic relationship can multiply that.In a toxic relationship with a person that will constantly put you down, makes it even worse. I know, we know we all criticize ourselves.  We all find something that we are not great at or something that we don't like or something that can be better.  We're constantly telling ourselves "I need to lose weight". "I need to find a better job".  "I need to make more money".  "I need to be a better mom". "I need to be a better spouse". Feeling like we're never getting to the finish line because we keep adding stuff to ourselves.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
When you're in a toxic, abusive relationship, the most important thing that you have to know and learn is that you are in one. Because when you don't know that you're in a toxic, abusive relationship, you think that there's just a problem with your relationship and what you're trying to do over and over and over again is trying to fix your relationship just because you think your relationship is not easy.A couple of creators found out and realized that there was this lady, she was talking about narcissists, narcissistic abuse and she was talking about what she had been through as a victim of narcissistic abuse. I had come across one of her videos and I realized that the information that she was providing was not accurate and it could actually put somebody in danger.The problem... she is a narcissist.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
The problem with toxic relationships is that because we already know that relationships are not a hundred percent perfect. That makes us think at the beginning that we just hit a bump in the road. And because you just hit a bump in the road, you think that this is something that you can fix and you start working towards your relationship in a different way.You start looking for different ways to work through your relationship. You start to look for the things that he does that you don't like, or the things that he's said to you that he doesn't like.  This makes you start working for your relationship a lot harder than you had been before.The problem with this is that it doesn't matter how perfect you become for him. It will never be enough because that is not the problem. You are not the problem in the relationship and because you are not the problem, it doesn't matter what you do to make yourself perfect for him.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
If you're in a relationship with a narcissist or a person that has narcissistic tendencies, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Narcissists are always used to having the attention and therefore they feel entitled to it.When the holidays come crawling in, he feels, for example, like Santa or the Easter bunny, Jesus, or even his own kids should not be taking center stage. They should not be taking the importance or the spotlight off of him. Why is he like this? First of all, you already know that narcissists and people with narcissistic tendencies lack empathy - as a mom, an aunt, or grandma. The thing that you enjoy the most is seeing your kids happy.   The kids opening presents the egg hunting and so forth. When you lack empathy, you feel no joy in making others happy. There is no joy in giving to others. (for more go to https://rakelcolina.com/41)h Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
The reason a narcissist will give the new supply, everything you wanted or something that he had offered to you at some point, but never came to be. It is because they want to make you jealous. They want to make you feel like you were undesirable. And this is a very common behavior.This is done to devalue you and make you feel unworthy. If he gives the new supply, what he didn't give you, this will make you feel like you didn't deserve it. But the new supply is a better person for it, a better fit. And she does deserve what he is, giving her for a reason This is supposed to make you feel like you weren't enough and get hurt by the fact that you weren't good enough to get this reaction from him.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
. I want to talk to you today about sharing your message. Don't let anybody keep you from sharing your message. it doesn't matter what type of abusive or toxic relationship you're into or were into. You need to share your message. It doesn't matter if the abuse wasn't that much or it was a lot, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you were in a relationship for two weeks or we were in a relationship for 10 years, abuse is abuse and abuse is not love. The reason that we stay in these relationships is that we get trauma bonded and confused the cycle of love, abuse, and keep expecting somebody that is not there to show up again.But the reality of it is that it doesn't matter the type of relationship that you are into, you need to share your voice. Don't stop sharing your message. Your abuser will try to do anything to keep you from sharing the message. They will also use the smear campaign and his flying monkeys to reach you and keep you from sharing your message. Be brave.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
Now, what kind of damage can an abusive relationship cause?? Narcissistic abuse acts like traumatic stress, and this can lead to PTSD. PTSD is the way the memory retains the vividness in a persistent way of something that happened. Just like soldiers in war victims of emotional abuse often end up having brains that are hypervigilant and they're always scanning for patterns of similar emotions left from that moment of abuse and this is a way for the brain to guarantee its survival. The problem is that it tends to overreact in situations that are not dangerous.PTSD can develop after a scary or shocking event and it can also interfere with your daily function. Some of the symptoms of PTSD are insomnia getting easily startled, having constant negative thoughts, nightmares, reliving the trauma with either nightmares or flashbacks. Some studies suggest that this long-term stress can also affect three different parts of the brain.Cortisol is a stress hormone that is released during this abuse and it can damage the brain's hippocampus. It can trigger various mental disorders like depression and anxiety. This hormone is released during emotional abuse and other trauma-related situations. This is where the short-term memories are stored before they become long-term memories. This is the part of the brain that decides how, and when you're going to learn new things, and with continuous and constant abuse, these brain cells might shrink, and it may be difficult to learn new things. The other damage that it could do in the brain is in the prefrontal cortex. This is the part located right behind the eyes and this controls the memory and your decision-making in planning. This area can also shrink when exposed to traumatic stress during or after a narcissistic relationship, a victim can find it difficult to make decisions and the attention span seems to become shorter. Depression and lack of self-care tend to accompany these symptoms, depression and lack of self-care tend to accompany these symptoms.Another part of the brain that is affected is the amygdala. This is the center of the brain. This gets activated when you feel anxious or scared. This is where all the abuse memories are stored and this gets activated when someone talks about it on the contrary to the other two parts of the brain, the amygdala increases in size and this manifests as anxiety or mood disorder. The hippocampus and the prefrontal cortex, tend to shrink and the amygdala is the one that increases creases.Abuse comes in different forms, but the way the abuse stays with you will vary from person to person. You might be the type of person to remember every single detail, or you might be the type to completely disassociate from it.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
When you leave a toxic, abusive relationship, the first thing that you say, the first thing that comes out of your mouth is why am I so stupid?And it hurts when you say these words because you feel that you were stupid. You feel like you were lied to and you fell for it, but let me tell you, it is not your fault. You were not stupid. You failed to realize certain characteristics and traits in somebody else because they were familiar to you. You are being a person that is empathic, A person that loves totally and holds heartedly would not have understood the type of person that you were getting involved with until you actually learn to know these types of people. It is not easy to recognize abusive behaviors in a relationship because it takes time for them to build-up to the abuse. By the time you start falling into the abuse side of it, you're already so deep into it that it's not easy to recognize.  Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
When you're in an abusive, toxic narcissistic, any kind of abusive relationship, a topic that is very common amongst all of these relationships is men complain that they're not getting enough intimacy and the women complain that they have no idea why they have suddenly lost all interest in having a sexually intimate relationship.   You have no idea why you don't want to have intimacy with your partner. Intimacy is no longer necessary for you. Because when you have a regular relationship, you're being fed love constantly and your being provided for when you're in a toxic, abusive relationship, the love comes and goes and so does the need to provide sexual intimacy with your partner. It is very well known that men fall in love through a sexual intimacy and women need love to get to sexual intimacy.  Because the relationship in itself is an abusive relationship, the women are not getting what they require to open up to this intimacy.The connection is not there with the partner.  The connection is not growing and it's not being fed. Therefore, that type of relationship, it's not blooming. It's not growing.  It's just stuck.  When you're in a relationship that has more lows than highs, it is very hard for you to understand what is going on in your mind and what is going on with the way that you're feeling. I remember talking to my sister, to my father and my mother, my father told me great reviews about my mother.   My sister had a desire for it, and I did not have any desires and I was questioning her like, what is the problem with me?Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
 We believe that because nobody else is perfect, that we are in a relationship that isn't perfect as well. The problem with not recognizing that the relationship is toxic is that you will let things happen that tend to move towards the side of abuse. Toxic people are just that, they are toxic for you.The definition of toxic, according to the dictionary is poisonous. The other meaning is very harmful or unpleasant in a very pervasive or insidious way. The example is, a toxic relationship. Now let's look into what abuse or an abusive relationship is. The dictionary defines abuse as the use of something to bad effect or for a bad purpose or misuse. It can also be defined as treating a person or animal with cruelty or violence, specially regularly or repeatedly. Speaking in an insulting or offensive way to or about a person, the improper use of something cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal insulting and offensive in language.When you're in a toxic relationship, you don't realize you're in an abusive relationship.You don't realize that the things that you were going through and the way that this person is making you feel is abuse.    Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
When you start in a toxic relationship, when you start to meet this person that will lead you down the road of a toxic, abusive, or narcissistic relationship, they start creating a person for you to fall in love with. They create a persona for your imagination purposes only and when they have you, they'll drop it. The problem is that we tend to not leave our toxic relationships because we believe in the person that we fell in love with. The reality of it is that person, never existed. You would live in a fantasy world where you think that the person that you met at one point in your life, you can bring back again.We had such great memories and he understood everything that I needed. That is the person that I fell in love with that is the person that I want back into my life. I am sorry to tell you, they're not coming back.They might come back in bits and pieces, but they will not come back the way you saw them at the beginning because the person never existed.  Once the mask rolls down, it never fully ever comes back up. Click the link for more...Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
Financial abuse involves controlling a victim's ability to acquire, to use our, maintain their financial freedom. Abusers think their money is theirs, but so is yours. Not only do they want to control your lives, your emotions and your thoughts, but they also want to control your money. Why is this something that is not recognized or even talked about? This is a form of silent abuse. It is not commonly recognized and financial abuse can vary from person to person, just like the way to handle finances and budgeting. We all do it in a different way, and we all have different versions as to how we manage our finances.Financial abuse is about control, and you have to figure out how to break that control, because if there is financial abuse, more than likely, there is other types of abuse in the home as well. If they see that you have more than them, they want to deplete you, so they can control you or not necessarily control you, but they want to spend however they want to spend, they're addicts.   Don't let somebody else hold you back from what you want in life. You might be in a difficult or tough situation but remember facing small fears can lead to big changes.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
In this episode, I took the most important details from the previous episodes to give you a better understanding of a few terms when it comes to toxic or abusive relationship. Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
The Gray Rock Method  is a strategy some people use when interacting with a manipulative or abuse partner or individual. It allows you to step back and simply observe, It’s basically the act of becoming as unresponsive as possible to this particular person’s behavior. It’s a way to deflect further abuse. This involves becoming as boring and uninteresting as you can be when interacting with your abuser. This is a way of trying to go “unnoticed”. The term describes a rock that is just like any other. Nothing about will be interesting, because it’s a grey rock like any other in their surroundings. They all look basically the same, so will you now. Grey Rocking is a way to make yourself an unattractive target.The Gray Rock Method will not work a 100% of the time. There's some things you have to watch out for, like escalated behavior. If this is the case, abort plan.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse. This happens when an abused person forms an unhealthy bond with their abuser. The person that is experiencing or exposed to this abuse may even develop sympathy for the abuser, this becomes reinforced by cycles of abuse and then remorse. Trying to leave a toxic or abusive relationship comes with a lot to manage. Not only will you have to figure out how to proceed once you leave this person. It also plays a big part when you have to start planning where you are going to live, how will you support yourself- if this is something that you could even do, thinking of the things they will use against you, all of these might make you feel like you are tied to this person and it may be hard or even impossible to break away. This trauma bond comes by the alternating of kindness, intimacy and love, if you want to call it that. That’s why these relationships start off with love bombing, making you fall heavy and fast for this person, which also makes it so hard to see the abuse. You might realize the first sign of abuse and feel all kinds of confuse to the point that you dismiss it. Especially when he comes back to apologize for this type of behavior. Or just say that he was just upset. The reason why this works is because of the good feeling you get when you remember when you fell in love. Those beautiful days when it started, thinking that this is what he is capable of. Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
A lot of people come to you and say, “you've changed”, all the while you have been looking for ways to change from the person that you were previously. This is a good thing! Don’t get discouraged, this means that you are growing as a person and others are taking notice. Keep changing and keep evolving. Don’t stop yourself from taking the leap and making the changes. Some people will see this as something good, others will think it’s bad. There’s people out there that like you and may be even in your inner circle, but even if they love you, they don’t want you outgrowing them. This happens a lot. Why does this happen? This happens because people see you growing and therefore, it’s a reminder that they are not growing. If you came from a toxic relationship, it’s very common to want to change the person that you had become when you were there. I know that you must have heard at some point, your partner saying you've changed. “You've changed” actually means that you are no longer conforming to what was requested or needed from you during this relationship? “You've changed” means that you have started to see the truth. That you have started to recognize the patterns. Means that you are waking up from the person that he thought he had molded into.  Every one of us wants to find somebody that loves us, to love them back. A person that shows you how important and loved you are.Support the show (https://buymeacoffee.com/rakel)
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