Conversations with Annalisa Barbieri

This is a difficult subject, but an important one. I still get letters from people unsure whether they've been the survivor of sexual violence.My guest is Katie Russell, former media officer for Rape Crisis and now CEO of Support After Rape and Sexual Violence Leeds (SARSVL). Katie is a specialist in sexual violence and abuse against women and girls with over 18 years' diverse experience within the Rape Crisis movement and wider voluntary and community sector.In this episode we talk about what rape and sexual assault is, and also address other aspects of sexual violence. We talk about consent, and how it's an active, not a passive act. I.e. just because you didn't say no, it doesn't mean you meant yes.We talk about the trauma response and how that can affect your response to sexual violence, and how this isn't anything you have control over. In an ideal world I'd like everyone over the age of about fourteen to listen to this and really understand what consent is, because without understanding consent you can't be sure you've got it. And if you haven't got consent, you may be committing an act of rape or sexual assault. I talk about organisations and articles in the episode and here are the relevant links:https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/jan/19/are-obedient-children-a-good-thinghttps://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jan/08/shouldnt-force-child-kiss-grandparent-consent-sex-educationIf you or someone you know has been affected by the subject matter of this episode you can get help and support by putting in the words rape crisis and the county you live in into Google. SARSVL is the organisation mentioned and where Katie works is at. Rape Crisis England and Wales.The 24 hour helpline Katie mentions is on 0808 500 2222.Support for men and boys affected by rape or sexual violence:The legislation we refer to is the 2003 Sexual Offences Act.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

What does it mean to belong? What does it feel like? And does it even matter? I started asking myself this a few years ago, possibly because, as a child of immigrants, I wasn't sure I ever felt like I truly, 100%, ever belonged in any one place. But, does anyone?My specialist, for this episode, Mark Vahrmeyer is a UKCP registered integrative psychotherapist who is very psychoanalytically informed. Mark was born in England to a Dutch father and an English mother but moved extensively, as you’ll hear, as a child. He is a third culture kid and we’ll discuss what this means in more detail in the episode.We also look at how important attachment is in determining how much we feel we belong, or don’t. How self esteem also impacts and how very important human connection is to psychologically tether us to a sense of belonging. We also look at why you might feel you don’t belong in the very place you think you might have an automatic right to -  your own family.If you’d like to learn more about Mark and his work his website is brightonandhovepsychotherapy.comMake a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Despite the plethora of information that's now available about sex, across so many mediums, it's still astonishing the misinformation that's spread on sex and the sexual organs. This is likely due to two factors: the adults in children's lives being too embarrassed or falsehoods spread around playgrounds and classrooms by children and young teens who get their 'sex ed' from porn (which doesn't show realistic sex).This is an introduction to sex with sexual and relationship psychotherapist and specialist in sexology, Silva Neves is accredited with COSRT and UKCP. Based on the sort of questions that I get asked such as "does the man have to be on top?". You may be surprised by what you learn however, even about your own body. I learnt something about the clitoris and I speak to sex therapists all the time! Marvel at the stupid questions I ask, so you don't have to.You can learn more about Silva Neves and his work here: https://www.silvaneves.co.uk/A good website aimed at fourteen year olds and up is BishUK.com. If you want to find a sexual and relationship counsellor the website for accredited therapists is cosrt.org.ukRemember, sex you don't consent to, isn't sex. It's rape or sexual assault, or both. https://rapecrisis.org.uk/Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If you've even been near a baby, let alone had one, you've probably heard of baby-led weaning, the idea that babies don't need to have puree laden spoons shovelled into their mouths, but are perfectly capable of feeding themselves. Even choosing their own foods from a pre-prepared selection. Gasp.In this episode I talk to Gill Rapley, whom I first met in 2006 but had heard about a bit before then. She didn't invent BLW but she definitely put it on the map and kicked off a lot of research into this subject. She also co-wrote the original, research packed book on the subject (accept no substitute!): Baby-Led Weaning. Gill was a health visitor for 20 years, has been a board certified lactation consultant and is the co-author of five other books including one just published in the UK on an adapted baby led weaning approach for babies with additional challenges and difficulty eating called Your Baby Can Self Feed Too.We talk about what baby led weaning is, what it isn’t, why we may want to rethink spoon feeding, what the research shows and why, anyway, baby’s first piece of cutlery - when he or she is ready to wield their own - should really be a fork and not a spoon. I should add I did spoon/puree feeding with my first and baby led weaning with my second. I’ll talk more about that at the end of the episode.Read more about Gill, her work and her books at: www.rapleyweaning.comIf you'd like to read the article I wrote in 2006 when I first met Gill you can do so here. If you are in need of a board certified lactation consultant go to https://ibclc.co.uk.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You'd be surprised at the number of people who haven't made a Will. Some of them are the lawyers I speak to. I think this is in large part because no-one wants to think about dying even though - spoiler alert - we're all going to. But the sticking point for many parents is thinking of who to appoint as legal guardian.I've chosen the best, most accessible and friendliest lawyer I work with, aka Gary Rycroft, to talk us through this terrifying subject so you know what to think about, how to make a will, what to put in it, how it's never a good idea to cut children out of your will unless you tell them when you're still alive (soooo many problems I get are about this). We also talk about LPAs, trusts and probate.A few links I mention in the podcast:Plan If planif.org.uk The best way to find a solicitor is by word of mouth, and finding someone you feel comfortable talking to. But if you want to look one up go to the Law Society website here.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is not an easy subject, but a necessary one, especially when you hear the statistics on child sexual abuse. Many children don't understand what's happening to them and often can't talk about it until they are way into adult hood and what they perceive to be a 'safe place'. The impact, as we see in this episode, can be life long and pernicious. I talk to consultant psychiatrist in psychotherapy Dr Jo Stubley who leads the adult section of the trauma service at the NHS Tavistock Centre. Jo is a member of the British Psychoanalytic Society and also took part in our trauma episode in series one (do listen to this if you haven't already). We talk about what grooming is, how to look out for it (an abuser grooms not just their victim but often the whole family), how to look out for signs that your child may be experiencing abuse and if you're a survivor of non recent child sexual abuse we hope you can find something in this episode to make you feel less alone.I care about all the CSA letters I get sent but, for the first time ever, I tell my childhood friend's story, which explains why this subject is so close to my heart.Organisations that can help:Napac is the National Association for People Abused in Childhood; it has a helpline (0808 801 0331) and lots of information on its website about how to access support. It’s where I refer all my readers who write in to me who have been affected by any form of non recent child abuse.There's also the NSPCC for help and information and Childline (helpline 0800 1111) for children experiencing any form of abuse.The Lucy Faithfull Foundation is the only UK-wide child protection charity dedicated solely to preventing child sexual abuse, they work with all those affected by abuse, including the abuser and they run the Stop It Now helpline: 0808 1000 9000.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

At some time or other we've probably all wanted, or needed, to motivate our children. But how? It's both harder and easier than you think and nagging doesn't really work in the long term. Tell you what else doesn't work, reward charts. In this episode I talk to child and adolescent psychotherapist and author, Graham Music who explains the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation, what children really need and why daydreaming is really good for the soul.You can read more about Graham and his work and books on his website: Nurturing Natures.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ever have a nagging voice in your head telling you you're not good enough or could have done something better? You may have an inner critic. In this episode I talk to psychotherapist Julia Bueno, author of Everyone's a Critic, How We Can Learn to Be Kind To Ourselves, published by Virago.We discuss where your inner/self critic may have come from, what you can do to neutralise them, and we learn what cheerleaders and see-saws have to do with it.Learn more about Julia, her work and her books at https://www.juliabueno.co.uk/.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How we are in relationships can tell us not only an extraordinary amount about ourselves, but also how we were brought up. Family patterns can be repeated in every relationship we go onto have. Here I talk about to psychoanalytic psychotherapist Susannah Abse who has over thirty years experience in helping couples. Susannah was CEO of the charity, Tavistock Relationships, for ten years. She has also been Chair of the British Psychoanalytic Council, of which she is a member. Her book Tell me the Truth About Love, 13 Tales From the Therapists Couch, came out in Spring 2022.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Grief and death are terrifying words for many of us. Of all the emotions, I’ve found, we really try to body swerve grief. But the thing is, grief doesn't go away if you ignore it. You can't cheat grief, so in this episode we try to look it in the face and talk about why it's important to start processing it and how you might go about this.I speak with psychotherapist and bereaved mother Jane Harris. I first met Jane, and her photographer and film-maker husband Jimmy Edmunds, almost ten years ago. Their son, Josh, had died in a road accident in Vietnam two years earlier. He was 22.I'd gone to interview Jane and Jimmy for an article I was writing for the Guardian family section on how to organise a different sort of funeral.Despite their pain, they were so generous and meeting them changed me and my approach to death and grief.Jane and Jimmy created the Good Grief Project, a charity dedicated to creative and active approaches to grief. They run some amazing retreats for the bereaved and have made some wonderful films, and written books. You can read all about them here: www.thegoodgriefproject.co.uk where you can also find links to their films: Beyond Goodbye, Say their Name, and the award winning A Love that Never dies.Their next book, When Words are Not Enough - Creative Approaches to Grief is out in November 2022 with an introduction by our very own Dr Kathryn Mannix who spoke so eloquently on the death episode in Series One.Cruse also provides amazing bereavement support. And for children there's the excellent Winston's Wish.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This was a listener requested topic. Boundaries form the basis of all our relationships, be they with family, work colleagues or romantic partners. Boundaries even matter if you're travelling on public transport! In this episode Armele Philpotts explains how anger is a really useful tool to alert us to a boundary being crossed. How to make boundaries, what they tell us about ourselves, and how to keep them. Armele is a psychotherapist in private practice who specialises in healthy relationships and the effects of trauma. Her website is at: https://apcounselling.wordpress.com/Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I get a lot of problems about adoption, usually, but not always, from the adopters who are struggling but are mired in shame that they cannot cope. Once someone has been through the process of adoption it can be very hard for them to admit they are finding it tough. But in this podcast we also hear from an adoptee, because that's the other side that I hear from (and often a voice which is missing when adoption is discussed). When adoptees write to me, they often talk of constantly looking for something, as if something is missing, or they feel 'unlovable', no matter how much they are in fact loved. In turn they feel they can't talk about this for fear of upsetting their adoptive parents. And there's a narrative that adoptees are 'lucky' and 'chosen' which makes voicing any negative feelings very hard.In this episode I talk to psychotherapist and adoption specialist Alison Roy who once said that parents who adopt children often have a 'three course meal of love prepared for the child, but the child can only handle a teaspoon at a time'. This phrase really resonated with my readers.Alison's book is called A is for Adoption and it's a highly recommended read. She also recommends some other resources:Books:https://www.theguardian.com/childrens-books-site/2015/oct/22/top-10-books-about-adoption-chosen-by-adopted-childrenAlison’s book A is For Adoption:https://www.routledge.com/A-for-Adoption-An-Exploration-of-the-Adoption-Experience-for-Families-and/Roy/p/book/9780367439477It Didn't Start With You - Mark WolynnThe Primal Wound - Nancy VerrierWhy love matters by Sue GerhardtThe Red Dust Road by Jackie KayParenting Matters: Parenting a child with difficulties in learning caused by traumaRespark by Dr Graham MusicThe secret garden by Frances Hodgson BurnettHow are you peeling by Saxton FreymannWhy be happy when you could be normal by Jeanette WintersonChildren and young peoplefeeling different - bullying: https://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/54964969Books about adoption for children/older childrenThe Unmapped Chronicles and Sky Song - Abi ElphinstoneDragon Rider - Cornelia FunkeThe Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson-BurnettThe Northern Light Trilogy - Philip PullmanThe Polar Bear Explorer’s Club - Alex BellWebsites and useful articlesHow to win an argument with a teenager https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/may/07/how-to-win-an-argument-with-a-teenagerCoram BAAF https://corambaaf.org.ukAdopt UK https://www.adoptionuk.orgSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dementia is a word which we've become increasingly familiar with over the years, but still, understandably, strikes fear in our hearts. In this episode I talk to Julie Green, Dementia UK's Deputy Clinical Lead and an Admiral nurse with thirty years experience caring for the elderly, twelve of them in a dementia specialist role.We talk about the types of dementia, how best to 'be' with someone who has dementia eg: should you enter their world or correct their mistakes?Caring for someone with dementia is isolating and can be soul destroying. Dementia UK has lots of useful information on its website: dementiauk.org and has a great helpline, run by trained Admiral nurses: 0800 888 6678.Julie also recommends two books: Validation: Feil Method by Naomi Feil; and Dementia Reconsidered, Revisited; the person sill comes first by Tom Kitwood.I hope you find this episode supportive and helpful.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon page. Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

How many of us had really good sex education, or anything that goes beyond the mere biological? In this episode I talk to COSRT and UKCP registered Silva Neves about what we wish we’d learnt, how to have ‘The Conversation’ with your children and why it should start probably earlier than you think and around the dinner table. We cover consent, why porn isn’t sex education. We also talk about the fun aspects of sex. Silva's book: Compulsive Sexual Behaviours.Book recommendations:What’s Happening to my Body for Girls or Boys.; Hair in Funny Places.; My Mummy Laid an Egg.Bishuk - for at fourteen year olds and over.If you’re a child and something is happening which is worrying you, Child Line https://www.childline.org.uk tel: 0800 1111.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free: head over to my Patreon https://www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us: Twitter: @AnnalisaB, Instagram: @pocketannalisaSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Anyone who’s had a baby knows that probably the number one question you're asked is: are they sleeping through?Some years ago, whilst researching a piece, I found out that babies aren’t meant to sleep through and there are biological reasons why this is and it blew my mind, given everything I was told at the time was that if my baby didn’t sleep through, I was somehow a failure. Professor James McKenna is biological anthropologist, and a world specialist on baby sleep and we take a deep dive in this episode into what babies need, just why they aren’t meant to sleep through the night, we learn about their sleep cycles and how it’s never wrong to comfort your child. Jim is emeritus professor at the University of Notre Dame in Indiana, the director of the mother-baby behavioural sleep laboratory and the dean’s executive professor at Santa Clara university. He joins us from San Francisco and for more information about his work and safe co-sleeping visit https://cosleeping.nd.edu/safe-co-sleeping-guidelines/Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free? Head over to my Patreon page: www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us on social media: Instagram @pocketannalisaTwitter @AnnalisaBSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Addiction is a word that’s overused and often misunderstood. In this episode I talk to systemic psychotherapist Rebecca Harris, who is also manager at the National Problem Gambling Clinic, Club Drug Clinic and the National Centre for Gaming Disorders. She works at the Central and North West NHS Foundation Trust in London. We look at what addiction is, what it isn’t, and how to get help if you think you or someone you love has an addiction to drugs, gaming, gambling or alcohol. Some useful links/further reading to look at after you’ve listened:clubdrugclinic.cnwl.nhs.ukThe NHS Gambling clinic - gambling.cnwl@nhs.net  National Gambling Helpline 0808 802 0133National Centre for Gaming Disorders clinic (email: ncba.cnwl@nhs.net).  parentzone.org.uk www.taminggaming.comwww.talktofrank.com The Drug Conversation, How to Talk to your children about drugs by Dr Owen Bowden-Jones is a great resource book about drugs and their effects.Adfam.org.uk Alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk al-anonuk.org.uk mind.org.ukhttps://www.gamcare.org.ukMake a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free? Head over to my Patreon page: www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us on social media: Instagram @pocketannalisaTwitter @AnnalisaBSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I wanted to call this “how to win an argument” but I realised it’s not all about winning or losing but finding common ground, or ground you can both tolerate to be on. In this episode I talk to psychotherapist Gabrielle Rifkind who is a mediator and conflict resolution expert, having worked in war zones in the Middle East, Asia and Europe. Gabrielle and I talk about how to manage differences between friends and family, how to start the conversation (she shares a brilliant technique), we look at what it’s not always about being right and how words don’t always make it better. Gabrielle was also my very first therapist when I was just out of my teens.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free? Head over to my Patreon page: www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us on social media: Instagram @pocketannalisaTwitter @AnnalisaBSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I get so many problems about this, not just through my column, but in real life. Some people have difficult family members who get more difficult as they get older. Note: this isn’t about dementia this is about trying to navigate the difficulties you may face with an intransigent relative as they get older. Maybe they need some care but won’t acknowledge it, or maybe they’ve become dangerous behind the wheel of a car and should give up driving, but don’t want to. Psychotherapist Chris Mills helps us look at what we can and can’t do, and how to separate out our emotions from the practicalities.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free? Head over to my Patreon page: www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us on social media: Instagram @pocketannalisaTwitter @AnnalisaBSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It’s only in the last few years that I’ve really looked into intimacy and what it actually, practically, means. A lot of people use it as a by-word for sex but here’s where it gets interesting because intimacy and sex aren’t the same thing. In fact a lot of people use sex to avoid intimacy. Stephen Blumenthal and I discuss what is and isn’t intimacy, how to know if you’ve got it and maybe, how to find it if it’s so far eluded you. Stephen is a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst , accredited by the British Psychoanalytic Council. He has specialist expertise in treating people who have problems with relationships and intimacy, difficulty expressing emotions, sex addiction and compulsive use of pornography.Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free? Head over to my Patreon page: www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us on social media: Instagram @pocketannalisaTwitter @AnnalisaBSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Blended families, bonus families, step families whatever you call them, joining together two or more families can be tricky. What do you call your “new” mum/dad/sibling, how do you cope with issues that may come up, what’s the delicate line between being accepting and having boundaries? I discuss all this and more - including the positives - with psychotherapist Katherine Walker who is accredited by the UKCP and BACP and whose area of interest is blended families and helping them develop healthy bonds and attachments; so much so that she did an MA on the “psychological impact of being a member of a blended family from the perspective of the stepmother.” Make a one off donation: https://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieriWant this podcast ad free? Head over to my Patreon page: www.patreon.com/annalisabarbieri Follow us on social media: Instagram @pocketannalisaTwitter @AnnalisaBSupport this show http://supporter.acast.com/conversations-with-annalisa-barbieri. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.