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Bible Stories for Atheists

Author: Bible Stories for Atheists

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Your guides to the miraculously macabre stories literaly literarily littering the bible.
71 Episodes
We kick off our series on the book of Acts and start with yet another telling of the ascension of Jesus. Slightly different from Luke but very different from the other gospels.Judas gets replaced.The Holy Spirit comes on everyone at the Pentecost! Lapping up their loins with tongues of fire.And the early church starts getting persecuted simply for yelling at everyone that they killed Jesus.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
2 Samuel Pt. 5 - TREE-Son

2 Samuel Pt. 5 - TREE-Son


David's been kicked out of his kingdom by his son and returns to the wilderness. Luckily his son seems to have really bad advisors.We get some crazy propaganda. As always.And the feud between David and his son is resolved. David definitely had nothing to do with it.This is our last episode for about a month and a half and I'm just ready to be done with this episode description. But Happy Thanksgiving! Unless you're Native American, then we're sorry. And Yo Saturnalia! Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Ugh uhhh ugh. Ughg ghgggh uggghhh ughg guhg. Ugh ghhhgh ugh God ughg. Ugh ugh ghgugh ugh bible bullshit.Ughg ugh uhghghg ghg ugh. Ugh gugh ugh David. Ugh ugh ghgugh fucked up rich kids.Ughghghg ugh ghughg ugh runs like a wuss. Ugh gghgu ugh gugh incest rape. Ugh ghgh uguhg the speaker of the national house of representatives gets his moral guidance from this book.Ugh. Just fucking ugh.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Welp, talk about a roller coaster. We start with David getting God's promise to have a descendant on the throne forever (fingers likely crossed), to adultery, murder and divine infanticide. But dudes in dresses reading children's books, that's the problem?It's the story of Bathsheba. And by the story of Bathsheba, I mean she was present for some events that David was pretty much doing. Finally, we discover, yet again, that the God of the bible has no problem with abortion. Queue up the Leonard Cohen, and sink your ear teeth into our podcast cake.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Like with all the other enemies of David, things really fall apart for Saul's son, Ishbaal.  I won't spoil anything but he dies and David becomes king of the entire land of Israel and Judah.  We start really getting into 1 Chronicles and talk about where the book came from and the differences with the books of Samuel and Kings.We find out that David really can't stand the blind and lame. Therefore, he wants his people to attack the Jebusites by climbing up a well. That's the kind of reasoning the bible contains.David gets jiggy wit it big Willie style. Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
We kick off 2 Samuel with David "mourning" for his dead "friends" that he "didn't have killed". And actually immediately we start with a completely different version of how Saul died. Which kicks off the bullshit parade of David being absolutely perfect and having no malice for his enemies who just happen to keep dropping dead as soon as he leaves the room.It turns out Saul had another son who didn't die on the battle field, named Ishbaal. We start seeing Ishbaal wasn't really the fighting type, at least as far as the writer wants us to think. But while David is crowned king of the southern kingdom of Judah, Ishbaal is crowned king of the the northern kingdom of Israel.But it doesn't take long for Abner, Saul's commander, to turn on Ishbaal. Which works out great for him. Also, David demands to have his first wife, Ishbaal's sister, returned to his possession and she is, much to her current husband's lament. Toodles!Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing. This is the third installment of our 4 part series on the Book of Acts and it starts with a freakin' wizard! A wizard named Bar-wait for it-Jesus! In the middle of cursing the wizard, Saul changes his name to Paul and will never be called by his dead name again.We find out Jesus' preferred penises. There's some trouble in paradise when Mark (last name Ono, we're guessing) drives a wedge between Barnabas (who I guess is John Lennon in this analogy) and Paul (guess which Beatle he is). Next thing you know, their little band breaks up. Paul contends with the UNKNOWN GOD. He literally kills a guy with boredom. And then decides he's going back to Jerusalem.It's a high energy, high octane, high on Jesus episode!Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Eye C.U.P.s

Eye C.U.P.s


We're taking a break from the bible to learn a little about some ancient superstitions. Well, OTHER ancient superstitions.Have you ever had a baby give you menacing grimace? Has an ex-lover given you a chilling side-eye? Have you ever been some where in public and possibly had someone look at you even without your knowledge? THEN YOU MAY BE CURSED! But don't worry. I have a charm to sell you that can take it away. It's called a Hamsa Hand and it blocks the Evil Eye.This superstition soaked into the Jewish, Christian, Islam, Hindu and pagan religious beliefs. Where did it come from and why is everyone so scared of it? No really, I'm asking. Because we don't know.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
We wrap up the book of 1 Samuel and even though Samuel has been dead for a while he's not going to let that stop him from showing up in his own book.David's town gets raided but luckily the raiders are much better people than David is. They leave all the women and children alive when they take them. Then David shows up to take them back and kills all of their people. But at least he's not a dick to the folks watching the purses while they're gone!And Saul comes to a tragic end in battle. Weirdly he dies in battle with the people David has been hanging out with for a while. Hmmm...Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
David goes on the run from Saul! Ducking his attempts to capture him and living life as a fugitive. Just like that Harrison Ford movie. What was it called? Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull?Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways, forgiving David for the wrong doing he didn't do and let's him go. Good thing for Saul, when David gets a chance to kill him he chooses not to. And Saul sees the errors of his ways, forgiving David for the wrong doing he didn't do and let's him go. See how annoying it is when stories repeat?Also, Samuel dies. Like the guy who the book is named after. But let's not dwell on that.And Lindsay insists that women are not fruit. Josh is dubious. Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
BREAKING NEWS: Saul sours on short sultry servant, David!See! I could have written headlines during bible times. Talk about a short honeymoon period. David gets done killing Goliath and immediately some school girls come up with a jump rope song about David killing more people than Saul. So Saul gets all agro and starts throwing spears around willy nilly.Meanwhile, David finds love with Saul's son, Jonathan. Unfortunately, Jonathan seems like he must be prettier than he is smart. He comes up with convoluted ways to determine if his dad (who is actively throwing spears at David) is mad at David. So weird, but hey, no one's in-laws are perfect, right?Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
We finally cover the ultimate David and Goliath story... David and Goliath! God, tired of having a tall, handsome king, has shifted his focus to a short, handsome king. And like an 80s New York real estate baron, he doesn't give a shit if there's overlap. Like maybe file for divorce BEFORE anointing the next one, right?We also find a big narrative flaw when David is hired to play the lyre for Saul and David becomes like a member of the royal family. Then in the Goliath story Saul suddenly doesn't seem to know who David is at all.Also... SO MANY REBUTTALS TO CHRISTIAN BS!- Does the god of the bible care about all children's lives? Spoiler alert. No.- Is the god of the bible perfect and unerring? Spoiler alert. No.- Does the god of the bible change his mind? Spoiler alert. Yes.- Does the god of the bible send demons to torment people? Spoiler alert. Yes.So you're interested. We're interested. What do you say? You want to do this thing?Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Merry Christmas, sinners & sodomites! In this week’s episode we dive into the gospels with the birth of our lord and savior. A story so vital and so foundational to the religion that it only appears in two of the gospels.But that’s ok, because in the two we have the stories line up perfectly, with minor exceptions for the time, place, events and people. That’s right, we’ll hear a story about a small family on the run from an evil king escaping to Egypt. Then we’ll hear about a small family casually raising their god-baby.And, oh boy, is this a story for musical lovers. Everyone breaks into song. Baby kick? Let’s sing a song. Get unmuted after pissing off an angel 9 months ago? Let’s sing a song. Pick up a messiah baby? We’ve got a song for that!Finally, we’ll learn why being a shepherd on a certain quiet, holy night was probably shit-your-pants terrifying. Let’s just say the stars weren’t the only things brightly shining.So strap in and strap on to hear the reason for the season!Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Ok. NOW Saul is king, I guess. So there is your happy ending to the story. Nothing could possibly-- What's that? God's already done with him? Ughhhhhh...Saul pisses off the all powerful Lord by cooking meat without a license. Samuel pulled him over and cited him for sacrificing without bribing a priest. Thus our God of Love passes judgement like a coked out squirrel.Saul's son, Jonathan, carries out a plan so vague the Philistines never saw it coming and he deals a massive defeat to them. Then he eats some honey and his dad decides to kill him. Because that makes sense. Thankfully apparently everyone stops him.And Samuel gives a retirement speech. Israel got him a gold watch and a bottle of whiskey. Too bad he lost his pension in the financial collapse of 1170 BC. Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
I know what you're thinking. WHEN THE HELL IS ISRAEL GOING TO HAVE A KING!??!!? I know. It's frustrating. I've been there many times before. But in the words of esteemed Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!Samuel begrudgingly tells everyone that since they have rejected God being their king, probably because nothing seemed to get done, that he's going to appoint a king for them. And luckily the most handsome and tallest guy in Israel just happens to stop by looking for ass. And when Samuel is telling everyone that Saul is going to be king, Saul decided to hide in the luggage and had to be fished out. How does that not give you confidence.Be sure to check out the podcast Call Bethel by The Telegraph.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
In our second episode on 1 Samuel it's all about the Ark of the Covenant! That's right, the GodBox that guarantees victory over your enemies. And we start with a story of Israel not only losing to their enemies but having the Ark stolen from them...So what was the point of the Ark again?God gets real testy with the folks who steal the Ark. Of course, he could get the Ark back in all kinds of non-violent ways if he, in his divine goodness, chose to. But he just gives everyone cancer and hantavirus until they give it up. Feel that radiant love.So strap in and strap on your whip, leather jacket, and fedora!Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Kicking off a new bible book strong with talk of barren women, boarding school, priests mistaking prayer for drunkenness, and shitty sons who steal meat. That's right, what other book could this be than 1 Samuel?Samuel is the profit (sp?) that ends up appointing Saul to be king, realizing that was a fuck up and then appointing David, which works out completely fine with no issues at all. And this is starts his origin story. We learn about Samuel's barren mother, Hannah, who only gets pregnant once she promises to give the baby away to God. Because apparently all she really wanted was the be pregnant. And we learn about Samuel's mentor, Eli, chief priest to Israel and bad dad to Hophni and Phinehas.Also, we kick off our attempt to go weekly with the show! So strap in and strap on for a whole lot more of our luscious voices lovingly lapping your ear holes!Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
WOO HOO! 50 EPISODES! So there's that.We are joined by Josh's mom, Jill to give us a Christian perspective as we talk all things Christian. We talk about everything in this SEO-friendly bullet list:Leaving religionThe Waco miniseries7th Day AdventistsA crazy Jehovah's Witness dream Jill hadTrixie MattelPornhubChurch abuseSister CindyHealing autismBlood transfusionsAnd child marriageThank you to everyone who has supported us over the last two years! We love you!Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Wrapping up Judges with some good old fashioned sexism, violence and mayhem! If you thought Jephthah's story was tragic, just you wait.We meet a certain Levite who turns out to be Moses' grandson. An ambitious young man who doesn't seem to be bothered by Micah breaking all the laws his grandfather came up with.And when his concubine runs away he has a hell of a time bringing her home. There's really just no good way of summing this up without giving away what happens. So you have to listen. Trigger warning: all of them. All triggers will be triggered.Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
Ooooh boy. This episode was so good we had to record it twice! We start off with an amazing story about a father and daughter and the things we do for the Lord. And the things the Lord lets us do for him despite being a loving, all knowing and all powerful Lord.Our first Judge this episode is Jephthah. A guy that likes to make weirdly specific promises to God if he helps him kill his enemies.Our second Judge is a guy you may have heard of before. He's the biggest prima donna in the bible, next to God. Samson and his luscious seven dreadlocks goes on a fever dream of an adventure. So much of the story is completely forgotten by most folks. Lions, bees, and linens, OH MY!Support the showWebsite - https://www.biblestoriesforatheists.comReddit - - Donate -
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