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We kick off a two part series on the Book of Job. That weird book people LOVE to talk about but no one reads...I guess that's not specific enough. That weird book where god suddenly unleashes unending cruelty on someone for no reason...I guess that's not specific enough. It's the one where god makes a bet with Satan that he has Job gaslit enough that if he completely ruined Job's life Job would still worship him. But remember, God is Love.The book is almost completely written in poetry and the majority of it is about Job debating with is friends whether or not he deserves all this anguish. So that's fun!I had to read it so you have to listen to it, damn it! We'll get through this together. 
We set the "good" book aside for the week and pull up some "meh" videos on modern Christianity. We react to way out of the logical box thinking on religion.Meet Tim Mackie, one of the founders of Bible Project. Tim has some interesting ideas on the nature of God's space and Earth's space. And how they overlaPAH. Unfortunately we never are told the reason for Space's space. And we jump on the shitposting bandwagon of Girl Defined. These Texas twerps for Jesus tell girls having sexual urges that they need to suppress that shit with a run and a prayer. They can't just do what God obviously built us to do and masturbate. Let's encourage someone to not feel shame by opening up to others about something while telling them what they're doing is wrong despite having no healthy control over it and giving them no practical advice besides "Suck it up, buttercup!" Because that's what Jesus would do.OverlaPAH... overlaPAH... overlaPAH... 
We wrap up our 4 part series on the book of Acts and hear all about Paul's retirement in Rome. But that's skipping ahead.First off, the unchanging, infallible Holy Spirit kicks off this episode by changing their mind on Paul going to Jerusalem. But don't worry, Paul ignores it and there is no consequences.Paul has to prove his Judaism to the Christians. If that sounds like it doesn't make any sense, you're right. But in doing so he ends up getting arrested for being harassed. I bet he got t-shirts made, "Paul Lives Matter".He bounces around authority figures judging him and not finding anything wrong that he did, yet still keeping him imprisoned. Until Jesus tells him he needs to go to Rome and appeal to Caesar himself.So Paul goes to Rome where he... wait for it... never actually sees Caesar. He just lives under house arrest for the rest of his life. I think the writer just kinda gave up on plot at this point.Thanks for listening, and thanks for reading these stupid notes!
Between Linz having a migraine and our self isolating due to a COVID exposure, this episode was doomed to be amazing. This is the third installment of our 4 part series on the Book of Acts and it starts with a freakin' wizard! A wizard named Bar-wait for it-Jesus! In the middle of cursing the wizard, Saul changes his name to Paul and will never be called by his dead name again.We find out Jesus' preferred penises. There's some trouble in paradise when Mark (last name Ono, we're guessing) drives a wedge between Barnabas (who I guess is John Lennon in this analogy) and Paul (guess which Beatle he is). Next thing you know, their little band breaks up. Paul contends with the UNKNOWN GOD. He literally kills a guy with boredom. And then decides he's going back to Jerusalem.It's a high energy, high octane, high on Jesus episode!PS - We recorded this before we recorded episode 32, hence episode 32 getting posted before episode 31. 
Lilac in the Briar Patch

Lilac in the Briar Patch

2022-09-1101:02:07

We’re taking a short break from our series on the book of Acts this week to talk with Lilac, a teenager who was kicked out of her home because of religious issues with her Jehovah’s Witness family.The first part of the episode, I’ll explain to Linz how I found out what was going on with Lilac and get Linz’s reaction.And in the second part we have a call with Lilac.If you’re interested in helping out Lilac, here is her Go Fund Me link. https://gofund.me/d83afbc7And her artist insta is https://www.instagram.com/lilacthebard/If you’ve been kicked out of your home and need help you can call 1-800-Runaway or go to 1800runaway.org for resources.
Acts Pt. 2 – Holy Sheet

Acts Pt. 2 – Holy Sheet

2022-08-2801:28:25

We continue our series on Acts starting with a story about a Sorcerer named Simon. A guy named Philip meets an unnamed Ethiopian eunuch who is really into a prophesy that Philip completely gets wrong. Also it turns out Christians can teleport.We have a real Saul on the road to Damascus moment, when we talk about Saul on the road to Damascus.We talk about the most important woman to never get any attention in bible.And Herod dies at the end in a really crazy way.Sorry, just kinda throwing this summary together this week.
We kick off our series on the book of Acts and start with yet another telling of the ascension of Jesus. Slightly different from Luke but very different from the other gospels.Judas gets replaced.The Holy Spirit comes on everyone at the Pentecost! Lapping up their loins with tongues of fire.And the early church starts getting persecuted simply for yelling at everyone that they killed Jesus.
We wrap up our 18 part series on Jesus and the gospels with his bouncy ball burial. You just can’t keep this dude down.While there’s some discrepancies among the gospels on the burial, that’s nothing compared to the resurrection. None of them can agree wtf happened. How many angels were there? Were they men or boys? Were there solders there? Did the women run off and not tell anyone what happened?It’s a big mess, but we’ll lay it all out in our (finally) last episode of the gospels.
This is it folks. The crucifixion. The grand climax. Where God’s Holy Spirit comes on all of us. But first we find out what happened to Judas, who realized what a Judas he had been to Jesus. But of course, no one can say for sure what happened to him. Jesus is put on trial before Pontius Pilate who oddly comes across as a pretty decent dude. Too decent, mayhaps. And Jewish people seem to be suspiciously too eager to have Jesus killed and save ANOTHER JESUS!And finally we discussion the crucifixion and death of Jesus. Including the rarely discussed zombie apocalypse that one of the gospels tells us happened when Jesus rose from the dead.This is our first episode following the overturning of Roe. Linz shares her feelings on it. And we bring our grievances on the state of Christianity to God.Love and kisses. Enjoy the episode.
We start off by asking the ultimate question… What are the nuts in your life? But then we start talking about Jesus.Jesus goes to the garden of Gethsemane where he keeps praying and his disciples keep falling asleep. Even when an angel shows up and scares Jesus so bad he starts sweating blood.Judas does what he does best and betrays Jesus. He comes up with a suspiciously specific signal to point Jesus out to the crowd.His arrest is a pretty straightforward story of a guy getting his ear cut off and a young man running away naked.Jesus gets questioned by the Sanhedrin and the High Priest while Peter trying to deny Jesus three times as fast as he can to beat the rooster crowing.And we have a little look back on our first year! Thank you to everyone who listens and supports the show!
Jesus is about to have his last supper and he uses his apparently psychic abilities to tell the disciples how to get it set up.Then Jesus strips down and washes his disciples’ feet. I don’t know why he had to get naked for it, but there you go. Unless he’s not naked. Unless there is an opposite to “outer” clothing that we can’t think of.Linz finds out that Judas was the treasurer of the disciples and we realize that they’re just Jesus’ board of directors and he’s the executive director of their non-profit. And nothing has changed in churches since.We cover the first communion. Officially kicking off the new blood cult.Then we go down the rabbit hole of John chapters 14-17. We sum it up quickly, reading this monotonous droning so you don’t have to.
“Was the Gospel of John Changed to Suppress Mary Magdalene?” by ReligionForBreakfast – https://youtu.be/rfy6oiB_U-ACrucifying Tony Stark – https://youtu.be/V9_AeLmuRKc?t=120Turns out Jesus wants us to #TaxTheRich! At least that’s what he tells some Pharisee’s who try to trap him by asking one question and giving up.Also, Jesus is asked important questions such as if a woman clearly kills 7 brothers, all of whom she married, which one will she be married to at the resurrection.Resurrection? As in when we die we don’t actually go to heaven? Wtf? Did Jesus say that we don’t go to heaven?Jesus brings down the vibe by reminding everyone that the temple is going to be destroyed. But he seems to get it confused with the end times.We finally discuss the story of Lazarus, the real one, the one that ACTUALLY gets resurrected. And we dig into the confusion around was Mary and Martha there or just Mary?There’s a cinematic version of jewish leaders plotting to kill Jesus. And we circle back to the Palm Sunday to actually explain where the palm trees come from.
Zacchaeus the Tax CollectorWhat does it take to get Jesus’ attention when you’re vertically challenged? Hope you’re good at climbing trees. If you are, hope you have space for Jesus to invite himself over for the night.Parable of the Ten Minas / Bags of GoldWe discuss prosperity gospel cultists’ favorite parable about needing to gain interest on your money in order to win God’s love.Jesus Comes to JerusalemWe arrive at the first Palm Sunday. Jesus has to figure out how to ride a donkey and a colt simultaneously. You remember that commercial where Jean Claude Van Damme did the spits between two moving semi trucks? https://youtu.be/M7FIvfx5J10Fig Tree & The Money ChangersIt’s finally time to discuss Lindsay’s favorite story about Jesus killing a tree because it’s not in season. We do a deep dive into the likely reason why this crazy story was written. Also, what does it have to do with the story of the money changers?And we also talk about the Parable of the Two Sons and the Parable of the Tenants. Not worthy of their own break downs, just honorable mentions for SEO purposes.
Gospels Pt. 12 – Mother!

Gospels Pt. 12 – Mother!

2022-05-0801:36:16

It’s a Mother’s Day episode! Josh’s mom, Jill, and Lindsay’s son, Connor, join us.Speaking of mothers, we dig into the questions around Mother Teresa’s work. Was she actually helping people or just raising money for the catholic church?We cover the parable of The Prodigal Son, the Shrewd Manager, and the Unmerciful Servant.Jesus randomly drops a “don’t get divorced” line between stories.And we analyze the story of the Rich Man and Lazarus (not that one, although maybe it is that one).There’s a story about 10 lepers and we finally get to where Jesus talks about how it’s easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than a rich person to enter the kingdom of heaven.Sorry if I’m being short. I’m on vacation as I’m writing this and there’s water and sunshine and this is a laptop and I’m getting judgmental looks from Linz and I think I’m done with this synopsis.Happy Mother’s Day!
Happy Orthodox Easter! What the hell is that anyway?We kick off with Jesus spitting in some dirt, making some mud, and rubbing it into the eyes of a blind guy to make him see again. Which is weird since he’s healed a lot of blind people before yet never needed to spit in their face to do it. Hmmmm….There’s the Parable of the Rich Fool, where we are told either that you need to not store up great wealth, or if you do you need to also donate to the church. It’s not quite clear which way this moral is supposed to fall.Jesus talks about anxiety. Basically, don’t worry about food, water, or clothing. God will provide. Just ignore when he doesn’t, you naked and hungry heathen!We find out only about 50% of people are getting into heaven. Doesn’t sound like much but that’s actually far more than most Christians think will get into heaven!Ten virgins walk out into a field in the middle of the night to wait for a guy they’re all engaged to. Five of them forget to bring batteries for their flashlights. The other five have extra but won’t share. So the five who need batteries go to the store to get some, but the guy shows up while they’re gone and now they can’t marry him. The moral to the story? ALWAYS BE READY FOR THE END TIMES!
Don’t look it up. Let’s see how well you remember it. Try to complete this sentence, “Our Father, who art in heaven…”Of all the commandments God handed down throughout the Old Testament, which is the greatest? Trick question! Two of them are the greatest! And Jesus breaks them down, or has them broken down for him, depending on which gospel you read.The sisters Mary and Martha show up. In theory these would be the sisters of Lazarus, however he doesn’t seem to be around in this story. Hmmmm. We find out Jesus cares way less about getting some lunch than he does having a chick hang out at his feet basking in his glory. That doesn’t sound like a cult leader at all.Unsure of how to pray? Do you get on your knees and say, “Well, now what?” Jesus to the rescue. Find out how Jesus says you should pray with two different versions of the same prayer.Jesus tells us how to get bread from friends in the middle of the night. The secret is audacity. So, too, will God give you salvation. Not because he wants to. No. Because apparently he doesn’t. It’s your audacity that’ll do it.Jesus doesn’t seem to understand how eyes and light works. Somehow that has to do with being greedy. Don’t ask me, I just write this stuff down. I don’t pretend to understand any of it.And the pharisees get a real chewing out by Jesus. One version has him getting invited to a pharisee’s house and after dinner Jesus just goes off on the guy. Luckily nothing that Jesus calls out sounds anything like a lot of his followers today. Luckily those who so thoroughly believe this is real have been changed by their beliefs so they don’t flout their piety.
Have you ever wondered when Jesus went from a middle eastern person to a white Anglo-Saxon? No… it doesn’t just stem from German Protestant racism. It was the Transfiguration! When God bleaches Jesus’s clothes white and “transforms his face”.Before that though we hear the confession of Peter. It’s pretty lame for a confession. More like him just being like, “Hey, I know you’re the messiah.”A boy with epilepsy is brought to Jesus. His disciples keep trying to drive out the demon and it doesn’t work. Maybe it’s because he’s not possessed but in need of medical attention. Is that what Jesus says? No. Jesus explains that some demons can only be exorcised with prayer… even though he didn’t actually pray to have this particular demon exorcised.Over and over again, Jesus tells the disciples he’s going to die and get resurrected and they DO NOT GET IT.Jesus performs some coin/fish magic to pay a temple tax.And Jesus sends out 72 of his followers to go throughout the land preparing the way for him letting people know who he is and what he’s all about. They finish immediately, so we’re pretty sure it’s they are way more efficient than the original 12.
Remember when the apostles all left to minister to Israel and Jesus said they wouldn’t be done before he returns? Well they’re done… awkward. Also, don’t forget, they kept getting talked about even when they were “gone”.Jesus throws his own Fyre Festival where 5,000 people show up and no one thought through logistics of buying food, or probably showers and toilets. The Sons of Thunder can’t seem to get anything done. So with just a few fish and loaves Jesus feeds the 5,000. The apostles seem to be too dull to figure out why there were more left overs afterward than the original fish and loaves they started with.Apparently Jesus has to run off because he’s afraid people are going to “make him king by force”.Look! On the sea! It’s a ghost! It’s a plane! No, it’s Jesusman! Jesus freaks the heck outta his disciples by walking on water out to them. In one of the gospels Peter goes out and walks with him. That is, until he hallucinates and starts seeing wind and he starts sinking like a rock upon which Jesus will build his church.Y’all wanna eat some Jesus flesh? Drink some blood and eat some flesh? We’re not talking about satanic rituals, this is Jesus wanting you to indulge in his body. To be clear, we’re not talking about communion. He’s just straight up telling people to eat his flesh and drink his blood. For his flesh is real food and his blood is real drink. If you eat and drink of Jesus you will live forever. Cultish? Yes. Vampirish? Oh yes.Was Jesus against washing your hands? Is hand washing the next hill to die on for anti-vaxxers? When people are like, “Hey, why are your disciples not washing their hands before they eat?” Jesus acts like hand washing is just a human rule, not a Jesus rule. Therefore Christians don’t have to eat kosher… apparently.Jesus breaks into someone house to escape attention but ends up running into a woman of indeterminate origin who has a possessed daughter. He get’s pretty racist comparing her and all non-Jewish people to dogs.Jesus throws his own Fyre Festival where 4,000 people show up and no one thought through logistics of buying food, or probably showers and toilets. The Sons of Thunder can’t seem to get anything done. So with just a few fish and loaves Jesus feeds the 4,000. The apostles seem to be too dull to figure out why there were more left overs afterward than the original fish and loaves they started with. (See, this is what it’s like reading two exact same stories with slightly different details)Also, we find out Josh a math dyslexic. Just goes to show he really is made in the image of God.
It’s a parable filled episode and we dig into the storytelling of Jesus. Is he a great storyteller like Homer or Aesop? Or more like a Blue’s Clues reject writer, getting pissed off when the kids don’t understand what the hell the mustard seed means? Where the moral lessons aren’t to give to those in need or don’t be sexist, no matter how helpful those would have been to hear. The moral lessons are to believe in Jesus and that’s it.Josh pucker’s some Christian buttholes by pointing out that Christianity started as an apocalyptic cult. “The end is neigh” mentality comes up throughout the gospels a lot more than folks realize.Jesus’ family tries to have him committed. So that’s weird. It’s almost like Mary didn’t remember him being a virgin birth and God getting her pregnant.The disciples interrupt Jesus’ circadian rhythms for a minor issue of a storm sinking the boat. We’re pretty sure it was while he was all warm and cozy as angels protected him from rain. Again, he gets pissed at his disciples for freaking out over something as stupid as a storm at sea.Jesus casts out a famous demon and simultaneously raises the question of why a Jewish community would have a herd of 2,000 pigs.Jesus DOESN’T raise a girl from the dead. He wakes her up. Of course, if she was dead does that mean Jesus pulled her out of heaven? Wouldn’t that make being on earth worse? However, Josh was convinced that the little girl went to hell due to her not being a Christian.We find out how John the Baptist was killed. In Game of Thrones family tree looping fashion Herod Antipas’s wife’s daughter/his niece did a belly dance and asked for his head.Get your humors in balance by pouring some of this in your ear holes.
This was an interesting one, folks. We find out how one major character’s traditional backstory is complete bullshit.But first, the BIG sermon. You could even say it’s mountainous. It’s the Sermon on the “Mount”. Because that sounds better than Sermon on the “Level Place”.We kick it off with the Beatitudes. Both sets of them. And we discover where the persecution fetish in so many pious folks comes from.Who cares about the War on Christmas, we declare a War on Easter! For absolutely no reason whatsoever.Linz’s favorite bible story comes up, where a Roman centurion is more faithful than everyone else Jesus seems to have met (which includes his own disciples).And finally we cover the many versions of the story where Jesus gets anointed by some woman. The writer of John really screws up the story by throwing his own anti-Semitic slant on the story.Pour this episode in your ears for one and half hours for maximum effectiveness. Side effects may include holy holes, minty breath, or shriveled nards. Ask your doctor if atheism is right for you.
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