Feeling Griefy

The first Feeling Griefy episode of 2024! It’s about grief and change (because there’s been a lot of change for me this past year!) I talk to Patrick about how it’s been starting something very new without Mum, and why I think it made the anniversary of when she died a bit harder than normal. We also talk about why I want to start therapy again and my love of antiques and analogies (as ever there are lots of tangents). Oh, and I also talk about the Feeling Griefy newsletter that I started last year in an attempt to be more disciplined with my writing. I try and share a digestible griefy insight (mostly!) every week. I also try really hard to make them not sad. You can subscribe here: https://ellahowes.substack.com If you have any thoughts, or reflections, I'd love to hear them. Email me at FeelingGriefyElla@gmail.com. I'll post a few pics to go with each episode on Instagram. Follow me here: https://instagram.com/ellalouisehowes/ The artwork is by Amelia McCurdy, the music is by Eden Townend and the producer is Patrick Thomas. Amelia - https://www.instagram.com/marigolddough/ Eden - https://soundcloud.com/eden-townend Patrick - https://www.instagram.com/thepatrickt/

While this episode is called ‘Health’, it actually goes off on a lot of unexpected tangents! I tell Patrick about how I find it very difficult to go to the doctors (or dentist) without crying. This unexpected affliction has also found its way into both my attempts to give blood and we reflect on why this might be the case. I also talk about what I still really struggle with (and this bit gets a bit more emotional than planned - it’s at about the 20 mins mark). It was one of those rare instances where the emotion bubbled up completely unexpectedly. I found this both unnerving but comforting. I’m proud of this episode, because I think we went somewhere I wasn’t expecting and I have come away with some unexpected reflections (thanks Patrick). I think I could do a whole other episode on how grief has more specifically impacted my health so maybe that’s a part 2! As ever - thanks for listening and please do get in touch if you have any thoughts. I’d love to know if anyone else cries as much as I do when I’m at the doctors…. PS Here’s the blog that I mentioned about deleting all of Mums texts : https://www.cancerispants.co.uk/blog/2020/1/4/a-year-of-trying-to-understand-grief Email me at FeelingGriefyElla@gmail.com. Here is my blog: https://www.cancerispants.co.uk/blog. I'll post a few pics to go with each episode on Instagram. Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/ellalouisehowes The artwork is by Amelia McCurdy, the music is by Eden Townend and the producer is Patrick Thomas. Amelia - https://www.instagram.com/marigolddough Eden - https://soundcloud.com/eden-townend Patrick - https://www.instagram.com/thepatrickt

We didn’t think we’d be recording again so soon after Christmas but I also wasn’t expecting such an emotional January.  I tell Patrick about the unexpected, and tragic loss of both our beautiful family dogs. I reflect on how I’m trying to navigate these loses alongside my daily dose of Mum grief…(it turns out previous experience of grief doesn’t stop the hurt of new grief…). This was also all happening in the weeks leading up to the 6 year anniversary of when Mum died. It’s been a lot to say the least!   I think you can hear by the speed with which I talk that there has been a lot going on in my head (I was even surprised listening back).  But I think thats reflective of the intensity of 2023 so far. I enjoyed this chat a lot. It felt like a good release of whirring energy and I am also glad I could share a little about Max and Melka (our dogs).  Thanks for listening xx Email me at FeelingGriefyElla@gmail.com. Here is my blog: https://www.cancerispants.co.uk/blog. I'll post a few pics to go with each episode on Instagram. Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/ellalouisehowes The artwork is by Amelia McCurdy, the music is by Eden Townend and the producer is Patrick Thomas. Amelia - https://www.instagram.com/marigolddough Eden - https://soundcloud.com/eden-townend Patrick - https://www.instagram.com/thepatrickt

We’re back! Talking all things Christmas and Grief. Patrick asks me how it has been since we released Feeling Griefy, and I talk about what it’s felt like to share so much of my grief. I tell Patrick about my Mum’s heroic efforts to keep the magic of Christmas alive, and then share a bit too much of my medical history over Mum’s last Christmas… We also reflect on the tension of Christmas changing over time, and the difficulty that brings when it gets further away from the day Mum would have planned. Thank you for listening… please do let me know your thoughts and reflections. I’d love to hear them. Email me at FeelingGriefyElla@gmail.com Here is my blog: https://www.cancerispants.co.uk/blog I'll post a few pics to go with each episode on instagram. Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/ellalouisehowes/ The artwork is by Amelia McCurdy, the music is by Eden Townend and the producer is Patrick Thomas. Amelia - https://www.instagram.com/marigolddough/ Eden - https://soundcloud.com/eden-townend Patrick - https://www.instagram.com/thepatrickt/

This is the final episode of this series of Feeling Griefy. It was a nice and relaxed one after the more emotional episode the week before. Patrick and I chat about the process of talking about grief together… whether there are things I wish he hadn’t asked me and if at times, I was too open about my experiences. I also ask Patrick how it was to listen to me chat away about grief, and if he feels like I owe him money for being like a therapist for 6 weeks. Patrick also asks me about other topics I’d like to talk about, and I reel a whole long list off to him…. Thank you for listening… please do let me know your thoughts and reflections. I’d love to hear them. Email me at FeelingGriefyElla@gmail.com Here is my blog: https://www.cancerispants.co.uk/blog I'll post a few pics to go with each episode on instagram. Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/ellalouisehowes/ The artwork is by Amelia McCurdy, the music is by Eden Townend and the producer is Patrick Thomas. Amelia - https://www.instagram.com/marigolddough/ Eden - https://soundcloud.com/eden-townend Patrick - https://www.instagram.com/thepatrickt/

This episode is about feeling griefy at work. If anything the ‘workplace’ gives the best insight into the nuances of feeling griefy and really gets into the nitty-grittiness of this experience. I talk about crying at work… and how you can’t exactly leave grief at home. What are the boundaries between work and home life and how do you manage them in your twenties? How can you casually mention that your mum died, when you meet someone on Zoom? I tell Patrick about how I wish grief could be like the flu and give me the sniffles and a cough, so I have an obvious reason to stay in bed. It’s harder to figure out how bad you feel when there is nothing to ‘show’ for it. I also talk about the joys of crying, and skinny dipping in Greece worrying about having my bare bum on display… If you have any thoughts, or reflections I’d love to hear them. Email me at FeelingGriefyElla@gmail.com Here is my blog: https://www.cancerispants.co.uk/blog I'll post a few pics to go with each episode on instagram. Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/ellalouisehowes/ The artwork is by Amelia McCurdy, the music is by Eden Townend and the producer is Patrick Thomas. Amelia - https://www.instagram.com/marigolddough/ Eden - https://soundcloud.com/eden-townend Patrick - https://www.instagram.com/thepatrickt/

This episode was the most difficult to record, but it is also the one I am most proud to share. Because as well as talking about family, we talk about death. And I think we could do with a few more conversations around this mysterious, yet inevitable human experience. I tell Patrick about the week before Mum died, and how I couldn’t quite believe what was happening. I speak about the days afterwards, when my new reality hadn’t sunk in yet and all I felt was calm. Rather than crying with sadness, my brothers and I watched Gavin and Stacey, eating croissants and loads of homemade pasta bakes (thank you lovely neighbours). It’s not all sad (I promise!). We talk about why I should be a travel agent, vodka shots on gravestones and the only hate mail I ever sent my parents. Patrick and I wanted to say... this is definitely the heaviest episode and one section gets more emotional than usual. If you think you’re not in the right space to listen to it, we’d skip between 9:10 and 24:10. If you have any thoughts, or reflections I’d love to hear them. Email me at FeelingGriefyElla@gmail.com Here is my blog: https://www.cancerispants.co.uk/blog I'll post a few pics to go with each episode on Instagram. Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/ellalouisehowes/  The artwork is by Amelia McCurdy, the music is by Eden Townend and the producer is Patrick Thomas. Amelia - https://www.instagram.com/marigolddough/ Eden - https://soundcloud.com/eden-townend Patrick - https://www.instagram.com/thepatrickt/

Welcome to my relationship history, featuring grief… a whole decade of it. This episode is all about how the intensity of grief mixes with the intensity of relationships. Grief demands vulnerability and so do relationships and at times, this can be a tricky one to navigate. I tell Patrick about how I could prepare for a breakup in a way I didn’t prepare for my Mum dying. We discuss how I try and make space for grief in my relationships, rather than separating myself from it like I did at the start. I also go off on a tangent about therapy, and how I managed to make it back from Peru the day after finding out my Mum had been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer (something that involved three planes, a missed flight and a lot of crying). If you have any thoughts, or reflections I’d love to hear them. Email me at FeelingGriefyElla@gmail.com Here is my blog: https://www.cancerispants.co.uk/blog I'll post a few pictures to go with each episode on Instagram. Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/ellalouisehowes The artwork is by Amelia McCurdy, the music is by Eden Townend and the producer is Patrick Thomas. Amelia - https://www.instagram.com/marigolddough/ Eden - https://soundcloud.com/eden-townend Patrick - https://www.instagram.com/thepatrickt/

This is the first episode we recorded. I turned up at Patricks house with some homemade flapjacks, slightly sweaty and red faced from the tube. After Patrick had made us both a cup of tea, we sat down on his sofa and started chatting. This episode is all about the mixture of grief and friendships. I was 20 when my Mum died, and in my second year of university. I remember the mixed feelings I had going ‘out’ for the first time… wondering whether it looked like I wasn’t mourning my Mum. But also, being in such a numb state I wasn’t even sure whether I was feeling sad. I had no idea what I was feeling. I wanted to explore how grief intertwines with friendships, particularly in your twenties when a lot of friends haven’t experienced a loss of this magnitude. Patrick asks me about how I told my friends my Mum had died, and what a ‘good’ reaction looks like (if there is such a thing). We also talk about why I never wanted it to mean friends couldn’t talk about more ‘trivial’ things. But also, how your friends can’t exactly say ‘there’s plenty more fish in the sea’ like you might do if someone is going through a breakup… If you have any thoughts, or reflections I’d love to hear them. Email me at FeelingGriefyElla@gmail.com Here is my blog: https://www.cancerispants.co.uk/blog I'll post a few pictures to go with each episode on Instagram. Follow me here: https://www.instagram.com/ellalouisehowes The artwork is by Amelia McCurdy, the music is by Eden Townend and the producer is Patrick Thomas. Amelia - https://www.instagram.com/marigolddough/ Eden - https://soundcloud.com/eden-townend Patrick - https://www.instagram.com/thepatrickt/

Welcome to something I’ve been working on for a few months now, with my wonderful friend Patrick. It’s something I feel nervous to share because it’s really quite personal, but it’s also something I’m proud of. It’s an attempt to explore the minutiae of an experience I wanted to google after my Mum when I was 20 and it dawned on me that I even though I was technically ‘grieving’, I had no idea what that actually meant. How long does it last? How does it mix with other intense feelings? Why do I feel completely fine after something so sad has just happened? The questions went on and on and on. This episode introduces the whole Feeling Griefy series. We talk about why I decided to start a podcast, what ‘feeling griefy’ even means and why the podcast artwork is a coffee and a croissant. I even go on a slight tangent about how to make my Mum the perfect cup of tea. If you have any thoughts, or reflections I’d love to hear them. Email me at FeelingGriefyElla@gmail.com Here is my blog: https://www.cancerispants.co.uk/blog The artwork is by Amelia McCurdy, the music is by Eden Townend and the producer is Patrick Thomas. Amelia - https://www.instagram.com/marigolddough/ Eden - https://soundcloud.com/eden-townend Patrick - https://www.instagram.com/thepatrickt/