The Unlock Lab

Welcome to a new kind of episode on The Unlock Lab. Instead of talking about inner critic work, you get to bear witness to it live, with my guest Sonya Costello. Sonya said yes to having her session recorded, and I’m so grateful for her openness and her big, beautiful heart.Sonya is the founder of Be Love Movement and came in wanting to kick her self doubt to the curb in all aspects of her life. She was especially ready to quiet the voice that shows up when she’s doing something new in her business who asks ‘who do you think you are?’ She admitted that she floats in and out of confidence, and that she stays in the not confident place more than she’d like.So we embarked upon an embodied experience (called Parts Work) and we did something that might sound counter intuitive; we gave that inner critic the floor. Sonya named him (yes him!) ‘Old Friend’, and when I asked how old Old Friend thought that Sonya was, he said 15. This was not surprising because our inner critics were formed at a time when we needed their protection. When we got curious about what old friend was protecting her from, you may be surprised to hear: ‘the fear of being happy’.After “Old Friend” exited, Sonya came back fully, as her almost 54 year old self, and spoke right back to him. You’ll hear her find a boundary she can actually feel in her body, and thank Old Friend for all those years of protection while letting him know she doesn’t need it anymore. We close with practical ways to keep this alive after the session, from planting your feet on the ground to a cozy blanket at your desk. Tune in to see what’s possible when you shift your relationship with your inner critic in your body, and not just in your head.Episode Highlights:Naming your inner critic, and what NOT to name them.Giving the inner critic the floor to say everything it wants you to hear.What your inner critic is protecting you from, including the fear of being happy.Speaking up for yourself from your full age, wisdom, and experience.Setting a boundary you can feel in your body, not just say.Why thanking your inner critic for its protection is helpful.Catching the critic before you freeze, and why there’s no one right tool.Practices to keep the shift alive: grounding, breath, imagery, and a cozy blanket.Quotables:“I hear you. This is an old story and this is not my truth.” (Sonya Costello)“Thank you for protecting me all these years, and I don’t need your protection anymore.” (Sonya Costello)“I’ve got this. And I’ve got me.” (Sonya Costello)“It’s about claiming your power in that moment where you know that sometimes you have given it away.” (Tosca DiMatteo)“Even if you didn’t catch it, but you’re in the moment, you can come back to it.” (Tosca DiMatteo)About SonyaSonya Costello is a multi-skilled professional based in Asheville, NC. She owns her own online business management and Pinterest strategy company, teaches yoga, and is a certified Reiki Master. In the past, she's managed a techno music store, a yoga studio, and festival healing arts spaces. She once led 480 strangers in a collective “Om” chant at a TEDx event. Sonya is the founder of two brands, Be Love Biz Solutions and the Be Love Movement, both built on the belief that love is the best and most effective business strategy.Be Love Biz Solutions: https://www.sonyacostello.com/Be Love Movement: https://www.sonyacostello.com/belovemovementTosca’s Links and Resources:Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compassSign up for Tosca’s Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca’s Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/Production:Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

Welcome back to The Unlock Lab. After six live coaching sessions with my client Kathleen (a pseudonym to protect her privacy), I wanted to take a moment to share what’s still sticking with me, a question I often ask my clients at the end of a session: ‘What’s sticking with you now?’ The first thing that stuck with me is that nobody wants to be told what to do. Coaching as a discipline is about showing someone new options when they’re ready to take them in. It’s about helping them reveal what they already know. A side note on this is that when we try to support people who don’t want it or aren't ready, it only drains your energy.The second is how much our past shapes our patterns today. It’s not water under the bridge if you haven’t found your way through it. I don’t believe in the idea that people can be broken, or subscribe to needing to ‘fix’ anything about ourselves. There are only new choices for how we move forward. The third is the healing power of sharing our stories out loud, whether that’s with a coach, a dear friend, or someone you love. I hope this encourages you to reveal more about your struggles and your wins with people you trust. Supporting Kathleen on the podcast showed me what brings me the most joy on the podcast, which is being with someone on the journey of their own unlock. So you’re going to find more guests on The Unlock Lab who are working through something and some of those conversations will be live coaching. If you’d like to have your own unlock on the podcast, reach out through the contact information below.I close this episode with something I want to normalize. Career transitions are tough (they’re meant to be), and right now so many industries are being disrupted, and not just by AI. An aha doesn’t mean everything is resolved, and that the path will be linear from there, whether you’re leaving corporate, changing functions, or running your own business. The business or career you built on day one isn’t the business you’ll have on day 1,000. Tune in to hear why this season is the perfect time to let go of the old and make space for the new.Episode Highlights:‘What’s sticking with you now?’ and why it’s a powerful question after any big conversation.Re-listening without self-judgment, and letting go of ‘what should I have done?’Why nobody wants to be told what to do, and how coaching helps people find their own path.The energy drain of helping people who don’t want to be helped.How the heavy lifting in coaching shifts from coach to client over time.Why our past shapes our patterns, and why it’s not water under the bridge.Why nobody is broken, and there’s nothing to fix.The healing power of sharing your stories out loud.A shift for the podcast: more guests, more live unlocks, and how to have your own.Career transitions at a mass scale: disruption, restructuring, and the way through.Why an aha isn’t the end of the story, and the path isn’t linear.Your business evolves too: day one versus day 1,000.Letting go of the old to make space for the new.Quotables:“I really don’t believe anybody’s broken. I don’t believe there’s anything to fix.” “It’s not water under the bridge if you haven’t found your way through it.” “Hearing other people’s stories, I think, helps us feel less alone.” Episode Specific LinksInterested in having your own unlock on The Unlock Lab? Get in touch: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactTosca’s Links and Resources:Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compassSign up for Tosca’s Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca’s Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/Production:Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

This was the final session in the series of six live coaching sessions, and we dive into the topics of money, value, and worth as Kathleen recognized her resistance to paid clients vs unpaid clients.Early on Kathleen names the belief she's been living: that she has to choose between income, fulfillment and legitimacy. She then shares her experience of what’s going on inside her head once a paying client comes knocking at her door; fear fo failure, imposter syndrome, not being worth the money, and many other harsh messages.This led to asking about how she wanted to define success for her business and a deeper discussion about her fears and resistance, inner critic messages and the security she craves. The conversation around living your life differently and having your income arrive through a different source than a company led to what the process looks like in terms of expansion. She realized she was quite attached to her blocks - and what a great question we can ask ourselves. Are you attached to your blocks and challenges?As Kathleen shares about her experiences as a child, she starts to see the deeper belief system that she’s been holding onto that isn’t aligned. Part of this had to do with recognizing that she had a parent that had a complicated relationship with money and that it impacted her more than she really realized. She admitted that it was first time she was able to connect the dots of how money was viewed growing up as she’s grappling with the shift of corporate versus entrepreneurship career options. And that deeper still she could see that the real issue wasn’t about financial security - it was about emotional presence.I think this session shows how you think you're going to look at one topic and end up finding something underneath it, which has been the subconscious reasons behind your decision patterns. There was so much to this exploration I hope you dive in to see what connections you can make in your own patterns.This ending is bittersweet for me. Being able to stand alongside Kathleen on this incredible ride brought richness to my life and now I trust that the next leg of her journey is exactly what she needs.Tune in to see how it all wrapped up and how Kathleen was unwavering in digging deeper and deeper for the truth.Episode Highlights:The belief that you must choose between income, fulfillment, and legitimacy.Seeing a long-held belief clearly enough to recognize it was never true.Why resolving something internally changes what you experience externally.How it can be harder to identify what’s missing in what we need.How money can be the default issue behind other needs.Quotables:"It was always an illusion that you came to believe was the truth." — Tosca DiMatteo"It was like a giant misunderstanding." — Kathleen"When something isn't resolved inside of you, the world gives you the gift of an opportunity to resolve it." — KathleenResources Mentioned:Never Search AloneTosca's Links and Resources:Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: Inner Critic CompassSign up for Tosca's Newsletter: NewsletterTosca's Website: toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: Contact ToscaLinkedIn: Tosca DiMatteo on LinkedInInstagram: Tosca DiMatteo on InstagramProduction:Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

In this session number 5 of 6 with Kathleen we started with a debrief from a Dreams and Obstacles event that she attended, which was inspired by Barbara Sher's framework. It was a power move for her to do the work to get ready to say her dream out loud and make the ask in front of room filled with generous people eager to help. The surprise twist is that she didn’t get the chance to do so, but realized that the journey of the preparation was the bigger bigger point than the destination itself. She realized that the point wasn’t to ‘hit the easy button’, but rather about the experience of being at the event.Kathleen also shared insights around how her energy got unstuck, including the big shift from thinking about all the reasons her dreams wouldn’t be possible, to thinking about all the possibilities. We then dove into her business positioning and messaging conversation. But this wasn’t an exercise in identifying marketing strategy and language, it was about talking freely about the experiences that Kathleen has grown through, and how she wants to help others. At one point she said “I’m having a realization as I’m saying this” and that’s exactly why I think being able to speak your story aloud to someone that can hold it is so helpful. Deep insights can come from hearing your story reflected back to you. When you listen to her talk about the kind of service she wants to provide the world, I think it will spark new insights about how your past is connected to what you’re passionate about now. You’ll also hear about Kathleen’s journey with her advertising and marketing career - the push and the pull of what she thinks about that work now, and how that impacts how she thinks about the marketing of her own business. This is great fodder for anyone who is toggling between a career you’ve had, and a different path you’re drawn to now. Towards the end of the session Kathleen mentioned a block she'd only found days earlier; that for her money and value can't seem to live in the same room. She's been fine earning while doing work she didn't care about, but now that the work matters, taking money for it feels wrong. A strong contender for the topic for her last session in this series. This episode is jam packed with stories and insights - and I have no doubt you will walk away with powerful questions and insights for your own journey. Episode Highlights:Why speaking your dreams and asking out loud for what you need is powerful.Why the outcome is irrelevant, and hearing your own voice is the real win.What validation really is, and why it's more powerful than we give it credit for.Blending somatic wisdom with analytical tools instead of choosing between them.The money block: I can be paid or I can be fulfilled, but not both.Quotables:"The outcome is irrelevant. It's the process of you getting to hear your own voice." — Tosca DiMatteo"True validation is helping people get more clear on what they already know, and being generous enough to not be focused on taking up our space." — Kathleen"It's like the money and the value can't live in the same room right now." — KathleenEpisode Specific LinksBarbra Sher’s Ted Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2rG4Dg6xyITosca's Links and Resources:Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compassSign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/Production:Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

Something shifted for Kathleen between her third and fourth coaching sessions. This is such a powerful example of how the sessions are a container for what needs to come to the surface. AND the real transformation takes place in the integration and digestion of the conversation, and even more so in the choices my clients make when I’m not standing by their side.Kathleen came to the session with momentum and the decision to commit to what she really wants, instead of worrying about what is or is not possible. It was a huge power move and I asked her to reflect on what actually got her unstuck. Because when you understand how you got out of the funk, you can reach for those same tools next time. Kathleen reflected on the actions she took in the previous week and we celebrated all the wins. One of these wins involved a cold call that will inspire you to pick of the phone in the pursuit of your passions! I hope this reminds you to look at all of your wins this past week, month or even year! When you tune in, you will hear that Kathleen recognized that the new news was not in the actions she took, but rather in the realization that she stopped doubting herself. She had more faith and self confidence, which allowed her to access the knowledge she had in her conversations and collaborations. The conversation then shifted into different territory because she was looking for support in articulating what she actually does. She admits the block isn't just language, it's the fear of owning it and her worry about her new line of work feeling fraudulent. In the course of this conversation I put on a different hat to better understand her skills and do that personal brand excavation. Part of this was about delineating the difference between building what you want to build, instead of the thing you think you should build. Episode Highlights:Reviewing Kathleen’s breakthrough and identifying the contributing factors.Why the real work so often happens between sessions.The fraudulent feeling that comes with claiming an ability to help people.Brand and story excavation that doesn’t use industry jargon.Building what you want versus building what you think you should.Quotables:"There's something about that that feels like I can't claim it, like it feels fraudulent. And maybe that's the real thing that needs to be sorted out." — Kathleen"It takes people years to recognize ‘I built what I thought I should build versus I built what I want to build’." — Tosca DiMatteo"So much of what happens actually isn't in these sessions. It's in the work my clients do in between." — Tosca DiMatteoTosca's Links and Resources:Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compassSign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/Production:Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media