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The Time Traveler's Guide to NOT Getting Caught
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© The Time Traveler's Guide to NOT Getting Caught
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This is the story of how I found a time traveling watch behind a dumpster and my subsequent adventures through time as I make the world a better place...for me...and sometimes for other people as well...I mean, I have no doubt other people also benefited from the changes I made, so in some ways, it's kind of the story of how I became the greatest hero of all time...as well as a guide for any of you who might wind up finding a time machine and becoming a time traveler.
34 Episodes
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Still reeling from the incredible discovery behind the JFK assassination, my dad and I decide we want to make another cool discovery, so we travel back to The Industrial Revolution to find out the true identity of Jack the Ripper, and you know, maybe in the process, bring him to justice. And that's what we did...we did exactly that...I don't know why I have all the ellipses which makes it seem like my dad and I didn't actually do it. I mean, we did. The dot dot dots are meant to add mystery to the sentence, like this one...
Now that I convinced my dad to not go back in time and raise me, we both agreed we should take a journey back to Dallas and discover who really killed JFK. And I gotta say, this was a crazy adventure, or at least as crazy as any other adventure I went on. I know it seems kinda obvious for a time traveler to go back in time and do something that involves the JFK assassination, but you really gotta stop being so judgmental when it comes to my adventures. I'm SORRY I went back in time and did something so obvious! It's not like I went on my adventures thinking what some random listener in the future might think.
Okay, so this is a weird episode, and thats saying something because I didn't even think it was that weird when I went back and had an almost fourway with my dad and two Nazi women on the Hindenburg. My dad was feeling super guilty about abandoning me as a child and wanted to go back and raise me in order to make things right, but the problem was, I kinda liked my life and didn't want everything to change. So I had to convince my dad to not NOT abandon me.
Some might see my getting captured by the Aztecs as some sort of Karmic retribution for having a sorta fourway with my dad and two Nazis on the Hindenburg, but it was honestly just a bit of bad luck getting taken by the natives. I'll tell you this about being a prisoner...it isn't fun. I know that isn't the most enlightening thought, but it was a super traumatic experience and it isn't something I like to talk about a lot, mainly because it was super boring being locked in a cage. But that isn't to say this episode is boring at all, because when ranked amongst all the other chapters, it's definitely somewhere in the middle, but just like Malcolm, and that threesome I had in 1944, sometimes it's great to be in the middle.
Now that I had successfully shown my dad all my great adventures, it was time for us to have a grand adventure of our own! It was a pretty obvious choice for us to visit the Hindenburg and see it explode, but I had no idea we would actually go aboard the dirigible and kinda sorta get stuck on it. But aside from our near death experience, my dad and I had a lot of fun. We meet some hot Nazi women aboard the Hindenburg and decide to try to have sex with them because...you know...Hitler deserved it. And if for some reason you think it's wrong for my dad and me to pursue hot Nazi women, that means you're somehow taking Hitler's side, and do you really want to be on the same side as Hitler?
Now that I had a daddy, I wanted to show him all of my time traveling adventures, especially that threesome I had with those two lonely housewives in 1944. Because when you meet your long lost father, the first thing you want him to see, is you having a threesome. Some people might claim this episode is nothing more than a clip show, but how dare they accuse me of doing something as lazy as wasting an entire week on regurgitated material! Shame on them! SHAME!
Yes, it's true, the man who left me my time traveling watch was my dad [DUN DUN DUNNNN]. Now for those of you who aren't listening week to week and accidentally saw this synopsis before you watched the previous episode, I bet you're feeling pretty foolish right now for getting such a great mystery spoiled. Let this be a lesson for you that I am most definitely going to spoil previous episodes in my synopses, and why are you even reading the synopsis of a future episode? That's really weird. Anyway, the guy claims to be my dad but I need proof before I call him daddy, so he shows me proof by taking us back to when he met my mother.
After future me got touched by Jesus in a totally appropriate way, he decided he was ready to move on with his life and start a family, which was totally great for him, but kinda sucked for me because I lost my best friend. Losing myself made me contemplate the big questions in life, like who left the time traveling watch behind the dumpster. And so, I set out to discover the greatest mystery of my life!
Yes, it's true, I had wild sex with a Native American who was most definitely not super old, and it was awesome! All in all, my trip to Plymouth Plantation was a success, seeing as how I got a free meal and had some wild sex. But after the debauchery that took place in Puritan times, future me and present me felt like we needed to cleanse our soul, and so we decided to go back and meet Jesus.
Finally, Alvie was brought to justice! Now, I know abandoning someone back in Ancient Pompeii before a volcano wipes out the entire town might sound cruel, but you gotta remember, this guy abandoned me on the Titanic...AND, his name's Alvie! ALVIE!! Anyway, even though we made our nemesis pay for his betrayal and we could've just gone home to watch iCarly, me and my future self still wanted to enjoy the very first Thanksgiving meal and also, make sweet, passionate and unselfish sex to the hot pilgrim. And so, we returned to Plymouth Plantation!
It was time. Time for us to go back to the very first Thanksgiving and get my watch back from Alvie. Yes I know, it meant I had to go back to colonial America AGAIN, but despite the time period sucking, I was looking forward to a great meal and Alvie's great reckoning. Spoiler alert: I wind up getting my watch back...oh you don't like spoilers? Then why're you even reading these synopses?
OMG, my future self who was 10 years older came back and rescued me from a miserable life being trapped in the past. And, if I may say, I was looking quite hot in my middle age. Me and myself wanted to do nothing more than bring Alvie to justice and reclaim my time traveling watch, but we both decided that first, we should go to a club and pick up a hot lady!
Well, I was screwed. Not only was I stuck on the Titanic as it hit an iceberg, but I was also feeling super emasculated being held down by the two Alvies and getting my time traveling watch stolen from me. But all was not lost. I could still find a way to survive this whole ordeal, but in order for me to somehow get back to the present, I would first need to get on a lifeboat. But how...
Yes it's true, I had a threesome in 1944 Los Angeles, and it was as amazing as it sounds. It was so great that I had an immediate urge to share my story, and so I decided to meet up with my time traveling buddy and tell him all about it which meant, it was time to go on the Titanic. This was a doozy of a trip, and yes, I'm using the word doozy now. Do I use a lot of James Cameron Titanic references in this chapter? Yes. Do the James Cameron Titanic references ever get old? No. Do I enjoy asking myself questions in the episode synopsis? Yes.
Now that I was an enlightened individual, I felt like I didn't need to do any more work on myself and should instead indulge in my sexual desires. So I brainstormed what would be the easiest time period to get laid, and that's when I realized that most of the men in the 1940s were fighting in World War II which meant there was a super high ratio of women to men back in America, so I make my way back to 1944 Los Angeles.
After taking LSD and tripping through time, I felt like I needed some more clarity in life, and so of course, I decide to go back to The Age of Enlightenment. After looking up when and what that actually was, I wind up back in London in 1687 where I meet Sir Isaac Newton before he was a sir. It was also the time before he had ever gotten laid, so I do what anybody in my shoes would do...I help Isaac Newton lose his virginity.
Still reeling from my breakup with the babysitter, I decided I needed to have some me time so I travel to Woodstock because, you know, that's the best place to have me time. While there, I wind up taking some acid and having the craziest trip of all time!
1After freeing the Jews in Egypt, I was feeling exhausted, but the babysitter now wanted to free the African Americans by starting The Civil War, and because I wanted to make her happy, I agreed. While back in 1860 South Carolina, the babysitter and I start fighting and I realize that maybe she isn't the love of my life....
Truth be told, I didn't want to go back to Ancient Egypt because I'm not a fan of getting sand stuck in my shoes, but the babysitter wanted to go there, and I wanted to continue to have sex with her, so we went back to Egypt. The babysitter and I had one mission at hand: free the Jews. So I infiltrate my way into the Pharaoh's good graces and then meet Moses and the rest is history...I mean, at the time, it was my present, but later on it became history.
I had survived my first trip with the babysitter, as well as Shakespeare's gnarly poop. Our relationship was progressing and so we decided to go somewhere sexier than Elizabethan Era...and so of course we went to The Wild West. A lot of interesting stuff happens while there, and a few uninteresting things as well (but that can be expected with any trip), but the most important thing that happened was that the babysitter and I consummated our relationship...one and a half times ;).
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